A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Friday, April 27, 2012

there are 15 of us here and i'm only comfortable sharing a spoon with about half of you.

Sorry for the delayed post, friends.  There was a small collisiony type car smashery on Monday night, so I've been battling with that all week.  But worry not, everyone and everything is hunky dory, and we can finally sit back and enjoy the total reality that is Make It or Break It. 

We open with the girls lined up at camp.  Coach Mac introduces yet another person in charge, Regina George.  Something like that.  She hasn't been in charge of jack shit this whole time, but since she is an old AA champ, she is obviously qualified to select and lead an Olympic team.  Their words, not mine:

"She's here to help judge the elimination round this week."

You think I'm kidding when I compare this process to Top Model, but I'm not.  This is real life, assholes.  Now, as to what the girls can expect from their challenge this week.  They might be asked to do one event, they might be asked to do two.  Or four.  It's anyone's guess!  Each team draws out of a hat to see whether they compete on Day One or Day Two.  The girls want Day Two, as they believe it will give them some sort of advantage.  Hey, you know what will give you an advantage?  Training.  Lauren and Princess Payson get Day Two, and are fucking thrilled. 

Jordan and Wendy Batshit are stuck with Day One.  The Rock girls + ABKP gloat and do their generally bitchy clique thing.  Coach Mac breaks up the little snatch-fest by announcing that there will be a strict curfew for the next two nights.  Two nights.  Princess motherfucking Payson has a meltdown, because she won't be able to have late night trysts with Rigo for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS.  I miss focused, boring Payson.

That evening, since they're stuck in their rooms, Payson is riding Lauren's ass while Lauren attempts to relax with a little meditation.

Lauren's all "Stop being so fucking ANNOYING." so Payson is all "OK.  Let's focus on me again.  I cannot bear staying away from Rigo for 12 fucking hours, so you have to help me sneak out to see him."  Even Lauren, who you have to remember is kind of cool now, doesn't think it's a great idea, which pisses Princess off.

I think she's having a stroke.  But Princess still manages to tap into Lauren's sneaky side, so Lauren decides to help her sneak out.  Princess pulls on this gigantic wrestling sweatshirt, which is confusing because Rigo is a BMXer, not a wrestler.  So who did she bone in order to get that shirt?  Lauren hustles her down the hall and outside, all while Wendy is lurking in the background.  Hmmm, I wonder who the mole is?  Princess races off to her lover.

Run Forest.  Meanwhile, Regina George and Coach Mac are sitting in the office, perusing big 8x10 glossies of each of the girls.  I didn't know gymnasts needed headshots?  They are literally their headshots.  Like off of IMDB.

Coach Mac gets a text from the mole, letting him know one of the girls is breaking his curfew.  These sorts of things are way more important than d-scores or consistency when it comes to making an Olympic team.  What matters is, can you follow the rules?

Princess and Rigo are groping each other in the quad, looking at the stars.  It takes them forever to find the Big Dipper, which is stupid because that's the easiest constellation to find, and it's impossible to NOT see it.  Finally, Princess makes her way back to her room, and as soon as she busts in the door, she's running her fat mouth about how worth it breaking the rules was.  Too bad that Coach Mac is also in the room.  He chews them both out, and as punishment, they'll both have to compete on Day One as opposed to Day Two.  In fact, Jordan and Wendy will take their Day Two spots.  Oh noes.

The next day, the first face we see in the gym is that of one Miss Peggy Hill.  Peggy Hill is up Regina George's ass, already buttering her up.  ABKP is annoyed, and says so to her mother.  Wendy bounces over and says hi to Peggy Hill, and now ABKP is really pissed off.  Peggy Hill says that Wendy is just bugging her for representation, but claims that she would never take her on as a client.  ABKP is appeased, for now.  She walks away.  Jordan has been sitting on the floor and stretching this whole time.  Peggy Hill looks at her, and explains that Jordan and Coach Mac are obviously related, because they're both black.  That is the only reasonable explanation for Jordan still being in contention for the team.  Ouchie.

Back in the office, Regina George is informing Coach Mac that they're in trouble.  Word has it that China has just perfected a new SUPERMOVE, and unless the girls can counteract with a SUPERMOVE of their own, a team gold is out of the question.  Now, my first question was obviously "What the fuck is a supermove?"  Coach Mac quickly explains that Jordan is close to landing her triple back SUPERMOVE.  Regina George isn't impressed.  What she wants is another skill, the laid out Jordan.  For the love of crumbcake...  I'm going to assume that Jordan's full name is Jordan Q. Jordan, and that's why it's called a laid out Jordan.

The Rock girls all stand around doing nothing while Jordan Q. Jordan is actually working out on FX.  Lauren decides to interrupt Jordan, and walks in front of her as she's running into a pass.  That is seriously my pet peeve.  So Jordan is all "The fuck?!" and then Lauren is all "Stop being a spying bitch.  We hate you now." To which Jordan replies "Whatever, hoebag.  I'm not here to make friends."   The girls wildly gasp, as this, for whatever reason, constitutes a full admission to being the mole in their eyes.

After doing some laundry, Kaylie walks back into her room only to find Peggy Hill hiding in there.  She's naturally freaked out.  Peggy Hill claims that she was looking for ABKP, but then makes it clear that she had other intentions.  She tries to throw shade about Kaylie's eating disorder, but Kaylie doesn't buy into it.

I wonder if doing a scene with Peggy Hill is like eating prime rib after only having Spam your whole life.  Anyone who does a scene with her instantly becomes better because she's so good at what she does.  Kaylie comes to life in this scene, because it's so deliciously easy to work with someone who is good at their job.  These two easily bounce insults off of one another, and it's actually enjoyable to watch.

Later that evening, the Rock girls + ABKP are sitting in their dorm (I guess they all do live together, and I'm just stupid.)  Princess Payson is riding Lauren about going to see her specialist, and Lauren explains to her that specialists are fucking hard to get into, and that she has to wait two weeks, like most normal human beings.  Kaylie and ABKP are having their own discussion about the upcoming selection challenge.  ABKP theorizes that there's no way they'd ask the girls to perform on all four events.  Makes sense to me.  It's not like anyone would want to compete AA or anything.  If you do a good vault, surely that means that your bars are top notch as well.  No need to train or show all four of the events.

It's the next day, and we're back at the gym.  Miss Jordan Q. Jordan is on UB, perfecting her new SUPERMOVE.

Level 4s have better glides.  Of course, in true MIOBI fashion, they continually show Jordan's double doing either a single tucked flyaway or a double back, and we're supposed to believe that it's this mythical "never before landed" triple back.  Whatever.  Some random extra is in the background, pretending to run on the treadmill.

No shit, she's not actually running.  She's just marching in place.  I laugh.  Coach Mac tells Jordan that while her triple back SUPERMOVE is impressive, she's going to need another power move.  So SUPERMOVE is synonymous with power move?  Jordan reassures him that she has a great, super powerful vault, which is a FTY.  What happened to her Amanar that would smoke everyone else from the first episode??  Coach Mac is all "That's fucking stupid.  Show them your laid out Jordan," so Jordan gets all huffy and refuses.

I'm calling this right now.  I have no inside information, this is just my gut feeling.  Jordan's old coach, was his name Ray?  Anyway, he's the one who taught her the "Jordan" but then he molested her, so that's why she refuses to do the skill. I'll bet this is the case.

Princess Payson is taking a stroll with Rigo, and of course she's yapping his ear off about her own personal troubles.  She asks him what he would do if he was in the same situation, regarding the whole Lauren's busted heart thing.  He's honest, and tells her "Well, it's her life.  She's worked her whole life for this, and ultimately, it's her call, not yours.  Keep your stupid nose out of it."  So Princess is all "Yeah, I'm totally listening to what you say.  I should make Lauren's issues my business, and continue to bother her about it constantly.  Or rather, I should just go behind her back and tell the coaches myself.  I know what I have to do."  Then Rigo is all "What kind of cold hearted cunty bitch robs their best friend of her lifelong dream?" so of course Payson is all "How dare you not tell me exactly what I want to hear?!  You're supposed to tell me how selfless and amazing I am!"  She stomps away in a huff.

Random Extra is testing on UB.  She does a shitty layout flyaway, which she over-rotates, and has to take a step back.  But then we see a close up of her feet, and she's taking a huge step forward.  Whatever.

Lauren and Princess are in the office, waiting for their turn to test.  Lauren is nervous, but excited.  They get called into the gym, and warm up.

And by warm up, I mean lay down on the floor.  Lauren's leotard is super cute.  Princess is up first on beam.  She mounts with a super duper not nasty at all split jump mount.

Is it a straddle, is it a split?  We'll never know!  She stands up, and goes into what is supposed to be a "double illusion," but she wobbles a bit and only does one.  Time for the dismount!  She cartwheels into a gainered whoosh-whoosh double full, taking a few steps on the landing.  Regina George lets Princess know that she's done for the day, having done just one event.  Up next on beam is Lauren.  Princess walks by, and sees Lauren do the little hand grippy thing that she usually does before she passes out.

Lauren starts with a press to handstand, which never quite makes it all the way up.

Such divine form.  Fluffy dance, fluffy dance.  It's time for her punch front.

Totally the same person.  She goes into her punch front, which goes forward and is very clearly a front somersault.  So imagine my surprise when the next shot is of a sloppy backhandspring. 

Oh Make It or Break It.  Don't ever change.  Lauren passes out in the middle of the BHS, smashes her head on the beam, and crashes to the floor, which is clearly only a few inches below her.  Apparently you're allowed to compete with beam pads now?

Oh noes!  Psych, it was all a daydream, as Princess was just fantasizing about her bestie's death.  In real life, Lauren's about to mount the beam, but Princess jumps in to save the day.  Or rather, ruin Lauren's life by blabbering about her health issue.

There's a heated discussion going on in the office, involving Lauren, Coach Mac and Regina George.  I wonder where Sexy Nutritionist is?  Lauren is in tears as she leaves the office, but Princess is immediately in her face wondering what happened.  Um, you told on her, she was brought into the office, and now she's crying.  I wonder what the fuck happened.  Regina George makes it clear that Lauren is out of the running.  Princess wonders how this could affect her. 

That night, Kaylie is consoling Princess, as if Princess was the one who just lost her lifelong dream and not Lauren.  ABKP is telling Peggy Hill about the situation, who is thrilled.  Peggy Hill leaves the room, and one second after she leaves, Wendy is knocking at the door, looking for Peggy Hill.  You don't think they'd have run into each other in the hallway?  Wendy asks ABKP to give her mother some signed forms, which happen to be her contract for representation.

ABKP slams the door in her face.  Finally, it's Day Two of eliminations.  Wendy is in a Flordia leotard, and sprints past a Big Betty beam.  I've been waiting to see one all season!

She hurdles into a filthy full twisting tsuk.

That is so not cute.  I like how the exercise bikes are right behind the vault, so if you over-rotate, you're going to smash into them and die. 

This reminds me of a tweet from last week, from one Miss Kamerin Moore. 

That might be my favorite thing ever.  Jordan is up next on UB, and Regina George is bubbling with excitement over her "triple layout dismount."  So that shit's laid out now?  OK.

She begins her routine.  She starts on the LB, but then is magically on the HB facing the other direction and swings into a tkatchev, which she connects to a toe on from LB to HB, again facing the first direction...  this is hard to keep up with.  She kips up to HB, and then is standing on the LB, jumping to HB.  Still with me?  She jumps with a 1/2 turn to HB, so she's facing the LB.  She does a giant, still facing the LB, and then dismounts facing the other way.

Of course, we see a smattering of different shots of double backs, and we're to believe that it's a triple.  Jordan lands it, and takes just a few small steps backwards.  Regina George claims that she didn't land it, that she "sunk" it but it was exactly like the rest of the fake landings that we've seen over the past few days.  She asks Jordan to do her vault, which Jordan explains is her yurchenko full.

Regina George is all "We'd rather see the laid out Jordan.  It's totally safe and smart to perform a vault for the first time in years without practicing or warming up.  Just chuck that shit.  Do it or you're off the team."  Coach Mac tries to talk her into it, but Jordan is all "Fuck this noise," and stomps out of the gym.

Kaylie and ABKP are in the office waiting for their turn to test.  ABKP is crying because her mother is a filthy whore, and Kayie is busy consoling her, which is all Dr. Kaylie seems to do this episode.  They're finally called into the gym, and Kaylie is up first on UB.

Josie Loren, who plays Kaylie, actually gets pretty close on her kip!

It's not pretty, but she kept her feet high and got them all the way to the bar.  A for effort.  Not much to her routine, just a pak and a pretty double layout.  ABKP is up on vault.  She races down the runway, and does a Nabieva-ish FTY with a big step back.

Now both girls are on FX.  Kaylie does a RO to a 1.5, but somehow ends with a front handspring.

But here's where things really get fun.  ABKP is up on FX.  She does a double pike, but somehow lands back at the vault table.  Then she takes a step off of the FX mat, but once more is back at vault.

Of all the MIOBI butchery we've seen over the years, this has to be the most egregious.  That's all that Coach Mac needs to see, so he's all "Enough of this shit, I'm done."

The selection committee is meeting the office to discuss their options.   Coach Mac claims that you only need one "work horse" on the team, which would be Princess Payson.  So no one else needs to work hard at all.  They discuss Wendy.  Coach Mac explains that you only need two things to succeed: athleticism and flash, which explains why Alicia Sacramone is our current Olympic AA champ.

Princess Payson is outside with Rigo, who has forgiven Princess for being such a raging bitch.  Princess is pissed at Lauren for being pissed at her, and claims that she wants nothing else to do with her.  Rigo chews her out for being so selfish and turning her back on her friends.

Princess gets a text that the list is up, so she races back to the gym.  Everyone runs in slow motion toward the office.  Princess and Kaylie are thrilled that they made the cut, but then turn around to see that ABKP has not.

Fuck you, MIOBI.  You have killed off the characters I loved, one by one.  First Bitchface Chloe, and now ABKP?  I'm done with this shit.

ABKP takes it better than I do.  She's calm, and accepts that she peaked at worlds.  But Peggy Hill is on a rampage.  She storms over, and blames Kaylie and Princess for blowing her daughter's spot on the team.  Then she reassures ABKP that she'll regain her spot, because she knows what's really going on.  And what's really going on is this:  Coach Mac is only keeping Jordan on because she's black and so is he.  The girls call bullshit, and then ABKP tells Peggy Hill that she's quitting gymnastics, so now Peggy Hill can focus more on that tramp Wendy.  Wendy just so happens to hear her name, and bounces over.  Peggy Hill claims that she was just using Wendy to get information about the girls, so she could tattle to Coach Mac.  The girls just now discover that Wendy's the mole.  She pretends to cry, and begs forgiveness.  The girls are all fucking stupid and believe everything she says.  ABKP fires Peggy Hill as her mother, and the girls stomp out of the gym.  Peggy Hill turns around, and finds a smug Wendy smiling back at her.

I'll be honest, this exchange actually confused me a little bit.  From what I understand, Wendy didn't plan for Peggy Hill to pass everything she said to Coach Mac, but once she blabbed the first night, she kept leaking more info.  Peggy Hill freaks out about this, and calls Wendy a liar.  But... what is she lying about?  She claims that she's going to be the one to take the Rock girls down.  Instead of high fiving Wendy for getting shit done, Peggy Hill tells her to watch her back.

 Jan is hauling ass up some stairs while Kaylie is helping ABKP pack up her stuff.

Kaylie and ABKP have a heartfelt goodbye, which Princess interrupts to spew some condescending "Thanks for being such a great competitor; it made us all better" bullshit.  Down the hallway, Jordan Q. Jordan has packed up all of her shit, assuming that she didn't make the cut.  Coach Mac stops her before she can leave, and tells her to ignore all of the ignorant shit, and at least consider the laid out Jordan SUPERMOVE.  She goes on about how she has to leave, so Coach Mac is all "Uh, you didn't get cut."

I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've seen Jordan smile since she's been on the show.  She's much prettier without the scowl on her face.

We travel back in time, and see Lauren chilling in her hospital bed.

Instead of being January weeks before the Olympics, now it's actually December of 2011.  Impressive.  Kaylie and Princess come into the room, which Lauren isn't thrilled about.

She calls Princess out for fucking up her double illusion, which she rationalizes is why Princess went out of her way to destroy Lauren's life.  Instead of just letting a clearly frustrated Lauren vent for a little bit, Princess is all "You don't mean that,"  to which Lauren is all "You bet I fucking mean it!  GTFO!"  Princess leaves the room crying, upset not for her dear friend's destroyed dream, but because someone is mad at her.  It's all about Princess, all of the time.

Doesn't matter now, because Princess has Rigo waiting outside, and that's all that matters.  She runs into his arms, end of episode.  I find myself not giving a shit about those two, but hunting for Jan in the background instead.

Well, this was an exciting week, was it not?  I don't know what I enjoyed more: the America's Next Top Model style elimination week, or the completely ass backwards editing of anything relating to gymnastics.  This show is so special.

Until next week, friends.  May your moves be super and your routines coherent!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

her chagrin is limited only by the fact that she has a brain the size of a toddler's fist.

Another week, another chance for the girls to do anything other than their Olympic routines a month before the Olympics.  Let's get to it.

Coach Mac is going through some headshots of old legendary gymnasts, comparing them to his current crop of girls.

Lauren, wearing Mattie/Bross' Fake Starfish leo, is apparently doing shitty leaps ala Olga Korbut.  Could they not find a bigger wig for Lauren's double, holy balls.  She looks like a bobblehead.

Payson is supposed to be Khorkina.  *pauses for Russian artistry trolls' mind explosion*  Slightly more blasphemous, in my opinion, is Jordan as Nadia.   

Here we can see Jordan landing her/Nadia's full twisting BHS with stunning grace.  I'm assuming she borrowed Kristen Maloney's baked potato leo from 2000.

We learn that all if this is to prepare for the Family Weekend exhibition, which yes, does hold priority over the actual Olympics.  After having a little pow-wow with the team, Coach Mac asks Jordan why she's sucking so much during her Nadia FX.  She explains "This routine is way more artistic than I'm used to.  I'm still struggling with those tumbling moves."


Poor Jordan doesn't have any friends or family to invite to the gala, so Coach Mac starts to take pity on her.  If it's not pity, then it's something else, and that gives me the Uh-Oh feeling (term lovingly stolen from Full In Full Out.) 

Kaylie and ABKP are having a BFF chat about their broken homes.  ABKP has dumped her mother as manager, it seems.  Kaylie asks about her dad, and ABKP explains that she never really sees him since he got remarried and started his second family.  Kaylie thinks about her own dad, and is all "Oh shit." 

Our other BFFs, Lauren and Payson, are having a chat over by the beam.  I feel like there are a lot of beam chats this episode.  Beam = the new bench?  Perhaps.  Payson's giving Lauren shit because she hasn't gone to the doctor yet, and Lauren's all "Bitch, I will go after the Olympics, get off of my case."  So Payson's all "Girl, I knew you would play me, so I made an appointment for you next door.  Be there or be square."  Lauren freaks out, because DUH, she can't go to a USATC doctor, because she'll be turned in to Coach for going to the doctor... yeah.   She promises Lauren that she'll find a doctor off campus the next day.

Kaylie and Austin are back in the dorms, and Kaylie's having a meltdown because there's just so much pressure on her.  Is there really?  Yeah, she's training for the Games, but so is everyone else.  She was asked to say something at the gala, but fuck's sake woman, get it together.  She asks Austin to come to dinner with her and her parents.  Since he's completely pussy-whipped now, he eagerly agrees. 

I am becoming increasingly bored with the Kaylie/Austin storyline.  I just couldn't care less about the two of them as a couple.

Back at the gym, Miss Peggy Hill shows up in Coach Mac's office.  She makes up some sob story about how she has no place to stay during the gala, and he invites her to stay the night.  Her plan, you see, is to get in close with Coach so she can convince him to make ABKP captain of the team.  At least someone's being a raging bitch up in here.

 ABKP, and her ADORABLE hair, is all "WTF Mom???"  Even she realizes how creepy that is.  Peggy Hill explains that, in return for a place to stay, she offered to make Coach a home-cooked meal.  So she's going to make him a meal in his own house?  That's weird.

In their own dorm room, Lauren shows Payson her fake ID.

Payson's all "Are we buying booze now?" and Lauren explains that she's going to use it at the doctor's office.  She'll use a fake name, and then pay with a shitton of Daddy's cash.  Daddy's going to be PISSED, because trust me, a billion random tests to figure out what's wrong with you costs GAZILLIONS OF DOLLARS.   Lauren wants to go tomorrow, but Payson freaks out and demands that they go that day.  She says that she'll jank her dad's car and then blow him off for lunch.  Oh, the things that BFFs do for one another!

Payson's dad and the Cryptkeeper walk alone in the hotel hallway, which immediately provokes me to tune out.  The parent scenes are just so boring.  They are on about mystery situations that Payson's dad needs to tell Payson about, which had me thinking that maybe he was boning the Cryptkeeper.  Now that would be interesting!

Back on campus, and who do we see....


That outfit has got to be getting pretty smelly at this point.  Lauren and Payson head off to the doctor, while Jordan's inside the gym, working out overtime.  She works on her FHS-front full, which I'm pretty sure was not in Nadia's FX.  She complains to Coach Mac, and pretty much sums up the sad state of gymnastics in one breath:

"This stupid, old school routine requires so many dance elements!  I'm a power tumbler, I don't even understand the point of making me do this!"

And that's all I have to say about that.  

Coach Mac macks on Jordan, and asks her to dinner that night.  

Or at least that's the vibe I get.  He explains that his wife is out of town. *cue porn music*  He's not looking forward to dinner with ABKP and Peggy Hill, so he really wants Jordan there to make him more comfortable...

Lauren, aka Rachel Martin, is at the doctor, while other people's xrays are prominently displayed in the room.  Have you ever even tried to view your own xrays?  They keep those fuckers on LOCK DOWN.  Some sort of HIPPA crap, who knows.  She's trying to explain her symptoms to the doctor, while Payson keeps butting in.  The doctor's all "Um, who are you again?" and Payson's all "Her partner," which of course the doctor assumes to mean lesbian lover.  Payson's cool with it.  

The doctor says she doesn't judge, which I know is a lie coming from ABC Family.  Sure, they try to be cool with the bisexuals and now lesbian partners, but you know what show is on after this one?  The 700 Club.  And God help me if I watch my tivo'd recording of Dance Moms, and accidentally leave the actual tuner on during the 700 Club.  I can't change the channel fast enough.  I will never give that show ratings, not even for the tiniest second.  Fuck you, 700 club.  

Anyway, back to the show that doesn't send me into a blind rage (well, sometimes,) Lauren is hooked up for an EKG.  Apparently, one month before the Olympics actually means January of 2012.  

That glitch aside, this scene actually kind of gets to me.  I spent too much time in Lauren's position, so I get that moment where you kind of spazz out.  After her checkup, while Payson's in the hallway, all we see is Lauren in the exam room crying.  She cleans up, and grabs a random pamphlet from the wall.  As she leaves the room, she shows the pamphlet to Payson, and is all "See bitch, no worries."  Payson buys it, and off they go.  

Back at the dorms, in an attempt to make up for bailing on lunch, Payson is cooking her dad dinner.  I love how their rooms are stocked with EVERYTHING, like cooking spices and shit.  I can 100% guarantee that none of the rooms I lived in during college had anything more than salt and pepper in them.  Kaylie comes bouncing into the kitchen, and tries to make small talk with Payson.  Payson's being a bitch about it, so Kaylie calls her out.  

This here is a scene that, I think you'll agree, repeats itself like 30 times this week.  Person A says something, then reacts with a worried stank face.  Person B reacts with her own worried stank.  Finally, Person A responds with the final and longest of the stanks.  

In this case, Kaylie is bemoaning the loss of her friendship with Payson, and Pay just says "Things change."  In walks ABKP, and it's like, yeah bitch, things HAVE changed.  Kaylie finally has a friend who actually seems to care about her, for once.  ABKP struts in wearing a super cute, and may I say classy, anti-Nastia outfit.  After she learns that Austin is going to dinner with Kaylie and her folks, ABKP is all nice and supportive of her friend.  She thinks it's a huge deal, while Kaylie's all "Nah, no biggie."  But then Austin shows up in a seriously mismatched suit and tie, so Kaylie's all "FML."  

After Kaylie leaves to meet up with her folks, ABKP heads over to Coach Mac's for a family dinner of her own.  As was agreed upon, Peggy Hill is in wandering about in Coach Mac's kitchen while he's not there, which is weird weird weird.  Of course she can't cook, so she just bought a bunch of shitty take out, and is just trying to make it look home cooked.  

She also intends to offer Coach Mac a "piece of her sweet potato pie," if you know what I mean.  Coach rolls up just as the girls are finishing up, and Peggy Hill welcomes him to his own house.  Weird.  Then she presents all of the fried chicken she made for the elite gymnasts, because I'm sure they've totally tasted that in their lifetimes.  

Oh yeah, and Jordan's there.  *cue more stanks*

Austin and Kaylie arrive to the Olive Garden, where Kaylie's parents are waiting.  

I don't know why Papa Cruz is leaning like a cholo, but we are to understand that he is very unhappy.  Recall that he and the Cryptkeeper are separated (divorced?) and cannot be civil with one another.  Kaylie tries to make small talk about the USATC starving them, but Austin cuts in and works on buttering up Papa Cruz by discussing his dead baseball career.  It works.  

Back at Coach Mac's, Peggy Hill is dominating the conversation by talking up her daughter, and about how smart and beautiful and talented she is (I'm beginning to agree.)  They toast to ABKP's success, but Jordan is totally snubbed in the toasting.  


 Peggy Hill goes on about ABKP's crowning achievement, bringing home the gold medal from the non-existent Junior Worlds.  ABKP informs her mother that this never happened, and Peggy Hill is all "Then who the fuck am I thinking about?" Jordan chimes in, because uh, she won the gold medal at the non-existent Junior Worlds. 

Back to the Olive Garden.  The table is discussing how Kaylie and Austin should market themselves as the "Golden Couple."  Two things:  1) Kaylie needs to actually win gold and 2) are we to understand that the only way Kaylie can be popular or likeable is if she is partnered with a man?  I do not like the life lessons on this show.  Papa Cruz wants Austin to become a partner at her marketing firm, and like that, Kaylie's future is sealed.  

At our final family dinner (did Daddy just totally bail on Lauren this week?) Payson and Payson's dad are wrapping things up.  He finally tells her what he and the Cryptkeeper were discussing earlier.  As it turns out, they weren't boning.  Damn.  Instead, he was offered this amazing job back in Minnesota (HOLLER) and he wants to move the whole family back home.  Payson is immediately all "But... the Rock???" but Payson's dad already has it all figured out.  Payson's worried because she'll "need to train before the Olympics!"  WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW??  Do they go home for like, one day, and then head to London?  I am so confused.  But Payson's dad made arraignments for her to stay with Kaylie during her one day of training at the Rock. 

He must not have gotten the new BFF memo.  Payson is a huge brat, and storms off to her room and slams the door. 

Austin is walking Kaylie to her room as she explains why she is super pissed.  She wisely doesn't agree with this whole Golden Couple bullshit.  But not for the same reasons as myself.  She doesn't like it because it was more or less done without her consent (even though I swear it's been happening for the past few episodes?) and it puts more of that darned pressure on her.  Kaylie's all snotty, and Austin responds by telling Kaylie that he loves her.  Yawn.  Kaylie's all weirded out, and totally avoids saying it back or kissing him.  

*Worried stank face as she hugs him instead*  Back in the hotel, Papa Cruz is all smitten with Austin, and tells the Cypterkeeper as much as he walks her to her room.  Before saying goodnight, the two creepy adults start making out and that's all I can handle for right now.  

Back in the dorms, Kaylie is replaying the night's events for her real BFF, ABKP.  Kaylie explains that she couldn't tell Austin that she loves him because she doesn't want to get married just yet.  Wait, I thought this was ABC Family?  I thought all teens wanted to get married...  ABKP, ever the wise one, explains that telling someone you love them does not mean you're going to get married.  She mentions Creepy Carter, and it is only then that I remember that they both boned the same guy.  So you know they shared notes.  Kaylie explains that she most certainly never told Creepy Carter that she loved him.  Cause that shiz nasty.  

Peggy Hill is waiting up for Coach Mac back at his place.  He tries to run off to his bedroom, but Peggy Hill pins him down with a "piece of her pie."  

Peggy Hill rubs up on Coach Mac as she explains that he could make the big bucks with that handsome mug of his.  All he needs to do is make ABKP the captain of the Olympic team.  

Payson returns to her room from a shower, and finds Lauren praying at the end of her bed.  

I see what you did there.  Payson's confused, but Lauren tries to cover it up by pretending that she was looking for something.  Payson uses the is opportunity to bitch about her family's selfish decision to do what's best for the family for once, instead of just focusing on Queen Payson.  Lauren, the smart one of the season, is all "Haven't they been catering to your shit for long enough?  They're the parents, you're not.  Deal with it."  She leaves to go to the store, so Payson calls the doctor and pretends that she's Lauren/Rachel.  She's all "Uh, what's wrong with me again?" and the doctor's totally OK with that and tells her everything.  I know I can call up my doctor and speak with her directly at any time.  

GROSS.  So, needless to say, Papa Cruz and the Cryptkeeper did a little boning, and Kaylie walks in and sees this and dies.


Payson's dad is on the phone with Payson's mom, discussing how maybe they shouldn't take the super amazing job and move to Minnesota (HOLLER) because Princess motherfucking Payson isn't happy about it.  No time for chatting, because the show is about to start!  

Before the show, Payson corners Lauren and admits that she knows everything about her mysterious condition.  She warns Lauren to back out of the gala, but Lauren's all "Fuck no!  Payson, you are not the boss of everybody, so STFU!" 

No, seriously, the show needs to start.  Coach Mac is on the mic, and tells a lovely tale about the past legends of gymnastics.  

Lauren's face looks super-imposed on her body, but I'll take it.  I kind of love the replica leotards in the episode.  If they're GK, they should totally sell them.  They'd be a hit.  Also, props to whoever's in charge for knowing what a Korbut is on beam.  

Nice face. 

Next, we have Kaylie as Mary Lou Retton.  Again, cute leotard, but the whole planet including my dad knows that Mary Lou earned her ten on a Tsuk full.  So why the fuck is Kaylie doing a round off into her vault, which sure as shit, does turns into a tusk?

Now we have the treat of seeing Payson as Svetlana Khorkina, who Coach Mac lovingly calls "Core-keena."  *mind explosion*  

I'm fairly certain that Payson was just jumping on a trampoline to get this shot, because we see this before she grabs the bar.  

It may just look like funky legs to the untrained eye, but most of us are painfully aware that this bitch is not doing a release.  They do show her double doing a nice full in dismount, so credit for trying.  

Last, and again most blasphemous, is Jordan as Nadia.  They get some of her spastic Geza Pozar choreography down, but most importantly, they got the finishing pose correct.  And don't tell me you didn't get a little chill when you saw it, because I know you're lying.  

That is the only busted wrist I will ever accept.  After the show, everyone is meeting and greeting with their parents.  Austin shows up, and Kaylie runs to him and tells him that she loves him.  And I just don't care.  More interestingly, Peggy Hill is telling ABKP that she can't do lunch, because she needs to meet with Coach Mac over business.  ABKP is all "Fine.  I'll just go sit with the other girls without mothers."  

Burn.  Coach Mac walks over the Peggy Hill, and tells her that she should be ashamed for trying to bribe him, even though he does have a handsome face.  Of course, as always with Make It or Break It, there will be no sort of punishment, and everyone lives happily ever after.  

Finally, we see Payson chatting with Payson's dad.  I guess she is finally relenting, and will allow the family to move back to Minnesota (HOLLER.)  Well isn't that kind of Princess Payson.  The only thing is that she wants to stay with Lauren during her one day of training at the Rock instead of with Kaylie.  Payson and Payson's dad bounce out of the gym, in the latest in a series of extra cheesy endings for this show.  I miss the dramatic endings.  It's too boring when everything wraps up in a neat little package at the very end.  

Hmmmm.  Wouldn't it be something if this episode hinted towards the Olympic results?  Jordan wins AA, Kaylie clinches team gold, Payson falls during AA but wins an event gold, and Lauren falls spectacularly but becomes a media darling.  Seems feasible, although sometimes I worry that the show will never actually get to the Olympics, and that we'll end with them just making the stupid team.  

Next week promises that someone will be voted out of the USATC, dun dun DUNNNNN.  Probably Wendy Capshaw, seeing as how she didn't exist at all in this episode. 

Until next week, Spanfans, may your faces be stanky and wigs super big!