Spanny's Big Fake Smile

i'm really worried people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms.

2012-01-25T19:37:00.000-06:00

Another year, another horrible gymnastics and skating "spectacular." And spectacular they are! Spectacularly horrifying.

This fall's show was no different than any other production that we've been subjected to. Sub this tween pop singer for that, Nastia still flails about to whatever garbage that the kids are listening to these days. A few back handsprings, nothing more, and that's your show.

I could end the recap there, but then you'd all miss out on all the delightful imagery from the show, and we just can't have that.

We open up with three mannequins giving us a rundown of tonight's performance, which includes Nastia having a wardrobe malfunction while the talented Greyson Chance plays the piano.

A piece of advice: if there is a huge black triangle where your crotch should be, your dress is too short.

I have a lot of respect for gymnasts who do it all: elite, then NCAA, and finally pro. That said... what is with "The Courtneys?" Is this a thing? Are they a package deal?

It's hilarious to watch C. McCool flit about and do exhibition-level crap while C. Kupets just rips off elite level skills. How does Kupets ALWAYS look like she could walk on to an Olympic Team?

These lucky girls got tasked with performing on beam while some skinny kid warbled on about God knows what. I'm sorry, I know I'm old, but is this what the kids are into these days? Is this considered attractive? Because I want to punch him. He looks like a wiener. It must be said.

These routines cannot be professionally choreographed. There is no way. I'm pretty sure the C's rolled up like, the day before, and were all "Ok. We need a routine. Quick, make something up!"

It took them a good 400 minutes to even get on the beam. For awhile it was a cross between a ballet barre and horizontal stripper pole. They also prove to be 100% incapable of doing anything at all in unison. Unless, of course, that was their intention, in which case I say GOOD JOB LADIES. Well done. Kupets does a Gator chomp while McCool reaches up like a teapot. They didn't manage to do their switch side leaps together, but they did manage to bend over and stick their asses out as a team. That was the only timing they got right. For ex-teammates/BFFS with the twinsie names, they seem to have zero awareness of what the other is doing at all times. It's very curious.

Following this was the second of Nastia's billion prancing around numbers. This time, she was backed up by SNOTTY LITTLE BRAT GIRL WHO HAS MELTDOWNS IN RESTAURANTS WHEN THEY WON'T SERVE HER TEENAGE ASS PROSECCO. Not to be outdone by this horrible little girl's outfit or singing, Nastia tries her hardest by wearing what can only be considered the Avril Lavigne of spandex outfits.

Nastia is very hardcore with her torn pink shirt, and pink leg warmers. Now, as someone who successfully rocked legwarmers for an amount of time, all I can say is that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

I give up. She is clearly incapable of holding her arms like a human being. I know I harp on this. It's only because I care. Nastia has it in her to produce BEAUTIFUL shapes and lines.

More this.

Less this.

And definitely no this.

Nastia takes a break from her super high level back handsprings to play kicky face with a couple of the skaters.

I thought that was as awkward as it could get, but then they had a brief infomercial where Nastia and Jared the Subway guy have lunch ON TOP OF THE BEAM, so yeah, that kind of maxes out the awkward meter.

Nice Toddlers and Tiaras hair, Nast. Continuing the HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWKWARD theme, the Courtneys are back with a hip hop (???) number on FX.

Why is Kupets wearing a cape? Giggles abound as McCool does some RO leaps while Kupets busts out huge double pikes.

I know this was a thing that started at Georgia or whatever, but when did McCool become a dancer? Was it uncomfortable when the real backup dancers showed up and danced behind the chicken legged wiener kid? This is why I hate the SEC.

Greyson Chance is so unbelievably talented, I can't get over it. He does his little boy super genius thing while Nastia... does this.

I can see your Bump It...

Heya Nast. Whatcha wearing there? What a cute headba-

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I felt that Nastia's beam performance was best depicted by including the images that come to mind while watching.

There is really just nothing more to say. What gymnastics did your current Olympic champion perform, you ask? A few back handsprings, a front aerial to wobble. She jumped off the beam to do an onodi on the floor, and then hopped back onto the beam to do more prancing. So yeah.

In conclusion, every moment spent watching these shows is a moment of my life I will never get back. I want to die because my eyeballs and brain hurt so very much.

Bring on the elite season. Please. Dear God please.

i fell off a cruise ship

2011-12-30T16:44:00.000-06:00

This is what I do when I'm called off of work at the last minute.

I am clearly growing delirious with boredom.

This reminds me that I think Dougie should add a super crazy high Hindorff to her routine.

That's a delightful headless double layout dismount.

So, I think I may have found this one Barbie on Ebay that I have spent the last year or so hunting for. This is the fucking MESSIAH of gymnastics Barbies. It's not actually a gymnastics Barbie, per say, but it is absolutely built for Spanny Tampson Barbie gymnastics glory. This isn't your 1996 Olympic Gymnast Barbie with the blonde hair and flat feet with ribbons. Oh no. This is something else. The auction is over in five days, so here's hoping my paltry bid wins. And if it does, WATCH OUT INTERNET! Vintage gymnastics Barbie is coming for you.

you gave me a dead pig for christmas

2011-12-13T21:52:00.008-06:00

Sweet Jesus.

What WAS this?? I just... I don't even know. At first glance, it's a FX routine by your current world champion. While she's wearing pigtails. And little snow boots. I don't know what to say about that.

Afan Gala Horror (Thanks to Between The Olympics for the upload!)

Actually, yes I do. I'll start with WHAT THE FUCK? Like, OK, I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't enjoy a cutesy routine from time to time, because I do. I was, after all, raised in the Moceanu generation. That said, cutesy heel-toe butt waggle routines are only charming when performed by children. Moceanu was a child when she got away with pounding the floor and sticking her ass out. At 14, it was brilliant and adorable. By 15 it was awkward and strange.

So when I see a classy, stunning TWENTY year old wearing pigtails and prancing around, I become concerned. As we get older, pigtails are found in four separate areas:

1. 1999 Britney Spears videos

2. College girls dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween

3. Anime

4. Porn

Now, I would never judge Ksenia for #2 (we've all done it, don't lie) I don't see her falling into the other categories. Notice, nowhere is "Doing a gala routine after winning a meet in Mexico," listed.

The boots. Word has it that this is some sort of homage to a traditional Russian dance, so OK, whatever. I highly doubt that this traditional dance involves ankle-high snow boots with little cat toy danglies on the back. Worn with no pants, a leotard, and a cape.

As any lady knows, poofy ankle boots worn WITHOUT PANTS creates a very stubby leg line. Now, to give the gorgeous Afan stubby legs is difficult, but these boots get the job done. Also, they really bring attention to that fact that she's not wearing any pants.

So, little girl hair: check. Horrible boots for the cold Mexico nights: check. What else could we add to this gem of a routine?

Yassss. Some buttoreography.

It's not entirely ladylike to bend over at the waist and stick your ass out. Again, if you're a junior and maybe using some clown music, it's doable. It is never OK for a 20 year old. Ever. Because you know what you end up with? This.

Unacceptable.

Taking a break from her busy ass-display schedule, Afan does make time for some calisthenics.

I want to make some snarky comment about the purposely flexed feet, but all I can think is that I wish Team USA would copy her a little bit. Even when looking like Jazzercize Barbie, Afan looks fab. There is no denying that.

Oop, we have to get back to sticking our butts out and shrugging our shoulders. Because we're just so CUTE.

Amid all of the horrifying assstickouttery, Afan did manage to throw in one of THESE. So I can't hate. Too much.

Heaven. Only if everyone in heaven wore tacky little boots, in which case it would actually be hell.

Ksenia wraps up this little mindfuck with a tribute to Michelle Tanner.

"You got it, dude!"

Also, she flashes us her crotch while keeping her foot flexed, in a stunning display of hamstring flexibility.

A few gala routines that were slightly less horrifying than this one:

1. The Mag 7 does the Macerena.

2. Hollie Vise butchers Marilyn. . (also see THIS.)

3. Dominique Moceanu copies Catalina Ponor's BB routine skill for skill (FIND ME THIS VIDEO!!!)

4. The Courtneys think they're HOOD while dancing to AOL sign on sounds.

5. Nastia does UB in her underpants.

In summation, I really hate galas. For the most part, they are a mockery of gymnastics. And I'm sorry, but who would ever pay money to watch an elite level gymnast prance around and do a few back handsprings? I mean, yeah, I totally sat front row to the 1996 Mag 7 tour, but that was a different time. Moceanu totally did a double back on FX, and Dawes did 4 LOSOs on BB. FOUR MOTHERFUCKING LAYOUT STEPOUTS. They don't make them like that anymore. And until they do, stop doing galas.

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!

We have found one. It's blurry, it's far away, but it uses the Hockey Night in Canada music and that's all I need to know to deem it AMAZING!

So, from both the above video, as well as Afan's nightmare, one could deduce that the teams were given a small about of time to create a routine based on the team they're competing for. So for Afan, the horrible Russian ass show. For the Canucks, brilliant wonderful Hockey Night music. My second mission: find better video of that routine!

Also, like, would this not make one HELL of a reality show? Kind of like SYTYCD. The teams get a random theme, and then have to create a gymnastics routine around it. In one hour. Now THAT'S TV!

he does dress better than i do. what would i bring to the relationship?

2011-12-08T12:13:00.000-06:00

Who wore it better? Discuss.

you smell like craigslist

2011-12-07T22:33:00.002-06:00

STUMPY WRISTS, DIE DIE DIE

OK, so I thought the recent USOC London photoshoot pictures were super cute. So, so, so much better than those creepy mask pictures from pre-Beijing.

Now, that said, I seriously question the professional ability of the photographer of this latest bunch. Or the hair and makeup team (if there even was one?) And the artistic director. That said, I'm no expert, so who am I to judge? But you know what I am an expert on? BENT FUCKING WRISTS.

I mean REALLY? Does that not HURT? I'm tempted to photoshop a basketball on her hand and have her slam dunking. Do the kids still call it that, slam dunking? Because unless you are carrying a ball, or spooning up water or something, there is no reason to ever have your wrist in that position. Ever.

I will give Nastia credit for not wearing pink, a Bump-It, or a pink Bump-It. Also, I love the lovely arabesque position. The wrists, however, make it look like she's trying to fly home. You are not a bird, Nastia Godzilla Liukin. So stop it.

Sigh. I have been defending Jordyn's leaps for some time now. This is a fine leap, marred by hands that look like they're putting on a puppet show. You know, one of those shadow puppets you'd make on the wall when you had nothing better to do at a sleepover. The left hand is a duck, while the right hand is an old man walking.

Now, surely you're asking

"But Spanny, you seem to hate everything about gymnastics. Are there any wrist positions that you DO like?"

Yes, there are!

BAM

LIKE THAT

Oh yeah girl, that's some good wrist right there.

One day, when I become NTC, I'm going to devise a contraption that prevents girls from flexing their wrists. A fancy splint of some sort. It would bend backwards to allow for back handsprings and such, but it would not bend forwards. Imagine the lines, IMAGINE THEM!!! It's only a matter of time...

your hideous bowties are provoking me.

2011-11-30T07:34:00.006-06:00

LEOTARD MADNESS!!!

Will it never end?? I will admit, some of these were tricky. They almost looked like different leotards. Then, upon closer inspection, I realized that THEY ARE ALL THE SAME DESIGN, and GK seriously needs to brainstorm a few new ideas.

Here are the top three most obnoxiously overused leotards currently in rotation.

1. The Freaking Pinwheel.

I touched on this back in September (before everyone else started jacking the topic.) I am over the pinwheel. It could have been cute, but everyone and their mother decided to use it, so hipster leotard critic judges their choices.

This is how you know it's time to move on.

2. The Ugly Starfish

Woof. This isn't even a cute leotard, like the Freaking Pinwheel. It is overused AND ugly. It looks like they all really suck at paintball.

3. Pube Curls

This was another one that I touched on in September. Obviously, most people remember Mustafina for wearing this during her dominating win in Rotterdam.

However, just about every other single girl on the planet has also worn this leotard.

And yes, even MIOBI..

The earliest exposure appears to be from Ivana Hong back in 2007, where she wore like 7 different versions of this leotard. I believe Bross also wore it that year (is that pic from Pan Ams?) It's all gone downhill since then.

Joining The Freaking Pinwheel, The Ugly Starfish, and Pube Curls is Surf Boob. While Jordyn and Sam wear the exact same version, GAGE and MLT make a few more... artistic choices. And by artistic I mean horrifying.

Clearly due to heavy Australian influence, Fucking Swirlies are as popular as ever.

I imagine this was the phone call that was made in designing Macko's leotard.

Jiani Wu: "I see everyone has been enjoying this Fucking Swirlies leotard. You know what would look great? #Hotpink and neon green! GK, can you help me?"

GK Rep: "We sure can!"

Now, these are Different Fucking Swirlies. While the actual swirls are smaller, they're still there, and that's annoying.

Now, our next example is special, as it is overused in THREE different continents. Continental Fucking Swirlies.

AOGC, consider yourself on leotard watch. Four AOGC leotards have been repeat offenders. FOUR.

***OMG. I am literally finding these faster than I can write about them. I looked up a Youtube video of Sloan for reference on a different leotard, and BLAMMO. Continental Fucking Swirlies.***

The following leotards, while not as violently overused, still have a match somewhere in the world. And that's pretty embarrassing.

I call this one The Fugly Jacket.

Next, we have Stringy Fucking Swirlies.

Kyla and Sabrina, both repeat offenders, are modeling what I like to call the JACKKNIFE!

Is there a GK outlet in Moscow or something? As Cher Horowitz would say...

"Do you prefer 'fashion victim' or 'ensembly challenged'"?

*match courtesy of IzziB1220*

My final two examples belong to everyone's favorite ABC Family classic. Again, if you match Emily or Payson, it's time to rethink your choices.

I hope we've all learned a little something here.

1. I am always watching. And if you get lazy with your leotard choices, expect to be called out on it.

2. Don't jack my blog ideas. Obviously, there are many many many many MANY repeat offenders to be found. Go find those.

this is so awkward. i really want you to leave, but i don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

2011-11-24T23:18:00.002-06:00

It is that time of year again. The time when every single blogger writes about the same thing. So instead of just ripping off other people's blog ideas and trying to pretend they're brand new, I'm going to do my Thanksgiving post a little differently this year.

These are the things that I am most definitely NOT thankful for. I am thankful for all things in the world, sans these few.

1. Nastia's black heels.

These need to die. Black heels with pink dress? Check. Black heels with torn up acid wash jeans? Check. Black heels with shorts? Check. I'm sure these are super expensive fancy heels (we know this because she tweets pictures with brand names included) but that doesn't explain the fact that I have the EXACT same pair, and I got mine for $19.99 at Forever 21. I wore mine one time, and then forgot about them FOREVER, as Nastia needs to do.

2. Terrifying vaults.

I am really tired of holding my breath while watching vault. I do not want to be terrified while watching a sport I am supposed to enjoy. This is the same reason I don't watch horror movies. I do not find terror entertaining.

3. Code-whore leaps at the end of tumbling passes.

Just bring back the fucking LUNGE already! Someone in charge thought it would be super divine if we got rid of those icky-poo artistic lunges at the end of passes. So now, everyone is forced to do one of two options: either smash your feet as hard as possible into the mat and hop forward a bunch of times until you stop moving, or leap whichever way gravity allows. Clearly the concept of a rebound is far outside the WTC's mental capacity. Would I be upset about more routines having an Atler-esque double stag out of a huge pass? Absolutely not. Am I upset about 4 popped half-jumps being muscled after shoddy tumbles? Yes I am.

4. Pink leotards and 5. Bent wrists and 6. Butt shelves.

I must not be a #hotpink diva. Let's just chalk it up to that. I liked Nastia's light pink leotard from beam finals in 2007. I thought her 2008 AA leotard worked for her, on that one night. I have hated every single one I have seen since then. PINK IS OVER. It is done. Let it die.

She looks like a tree. This is why we don't have bent wrists.

7. Sixteen year old temper tantrums.

Just everything about this. Not cute.

8. Mesh leotards

I have no interest in seeing your bra straps. Ever. Why can't they just make that color of fabric without making it see through? I don't understand this at all.

So there you have it. Sometimes we can't be thankful for all of the things.

please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to scotland.

2011-11-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

Motivated by the hilarious Full In Full Out, I decided to check out what search terms people are using to randomly end up on my blog. Most results are pretty expected. "Spanny Tampson" "Big Fake Smile" "Girl Gymnast With Big Butt"

Come again?

If the internet has taught us anything, it's that the majority of people are huge perverts. I have no idea who the huge pink-assed gymnast everyone is searching for is, but I do know some of the other search terms are kind of hilarious.

(click to enlarge)

So, a few things. Enough with the gymnastics ass, seriously. And WHY GOD WHY did TWO PEOPLE search for a hot Mary Lou Retton??? I can't even... I pray that it was not MLR our British friend was looking for when he searched for this:

I understand that I must take some of the blame for these disturbing searches, due to the nature of what I write. For example, if I call Kelly Parker an adult baby, then it only makes sense that this would be one of the search terms:

I'm not even a little sure about what those are. Is that what they call the people who are obsessed with being babies? I watched a My Strange Obsession episode about that once. They didn't mention anything about Princess Pull Ups.

Again, a few issues here. Is there really a strip search technique? If so, how am I suddenly the expert on such a technique? I have never been on the receiving or giving end of a strip search, so I'm really at a loss here.

Additionally, I don't know one single person who calls it "lovemaking."

Moving on to some less perverted, but equally laughable results.

Now every time I see Nastia on beam, I'm going to be thinking about Just Jack. Just Nastia!

It's no longer Britney. It's Nabieva, bitch.

Me too, random googler. I too am "so jealos." Did the searcher think that Google was a close gal pal with whom she could confide in that she was "so jealos" of Jordyn Wieber, thus needing pictures? The youth of today scare me.

Steve Nunno also scares me. And apparently I'm not the only one.

your dreams are not dead. you've just grown out of them.

2011-11-11T14:49:00.001-06:00

LEOTARD MADNESS!!!

Will it never end??

When Mother Russia is janking leotards from Make It or Break It, it's time for a new design.

That said, I do quite like this leotard. It's just that my senses are confused by seeing Aliya wearing a super American Make It or Break It-y leotard.

i am literally horny with fear.

2011-11-05T19:44:00.003-05:00

This week on Make It or Break It: little girls with misplaced star boob pasty leotards.

Hilarious. This week, we start at the Rock, in what is realistically the only bit of gymnastics we'll see in the entire episode.

Lovely splits, Kaylie. Really. It's not totally obvious you were a cheerleader. Not that I hate cheerleaders, or whatever, but as such, your splits suck. It's just the rule of cheerleading. Also, your back handsprings have to be terrifying. That is the second rule.

Creepy Carter starts us off by staring at Kaylie while she bends over. Filthy. Every thing about this kid gives me the booboo-jeebees. He makes me think I'm watching some Lifetime movie about the I-5 Killer (which was an AWESOME movie, btw) instead of a show about elite level gymnastics. It's a good thing he eventually moved to Denver, because it's clear that he was about *thisclose* to slaying every girl from the Rock.

In lieu of actual communication, Creepy Carter and Kaylie have resorting to drawing each other messages in the chalk bin. That grosses me out on so many levels. Fingers in the chalk bin freak me out. They just do. Like, I just imagine chalky fingernails scraping against the plastic, and that upsets me. Why can't he send her a million text messages like he normally does? Kaylie, eager to read whatever fascinating message Creepy has left her, tries to run off to the chalk box, but is stopped by her dad, Shiny. He could totally pass as Daddy Warbucks.

Kaylie explains that she needs to go across the gym to that one specific chalk bin first. The Rock probably has just that one chalk bin. Alas, she is too late, because some slut who was actually doing gymnastics had the audacity to chalk up before her, therefore ruining Creepy's precious message. That whore. The couple initiate Plan B, which is to meet by the water cooler instead. So Kaylie stretches, chalks up, just so she can go get a drink? Winners at the Rock. Creepy chews her out for not immediately responding to his chalk message. If you guys can easily just stand around and chit chat by the water cooler, then why bother with the chalk box? Kaylie, with her surplus of controlling men, leaves Creepy hanging when Shiny demands she come and finish/start her workout. I guess he's coaching her now.

She starts on FX, and performs her cheerleader pass of front handspring- front handspring- roundoff-Shushunova. She's totally going to make it to the Olympics with that pass. Her dad tries to give her some shitty International Gymnast Forum critique, which she rightly blows off as being useless. Payson, totally blown away by such strict, demanding coaching, compares Shiny to Bela Karolyi. Nice name check, writers. Kaylie is totally over her dad being a hardass, while Payson and Emily stand around and do nothing.

In order to remedy the coaching situation, we see Daddy Tanner driving out to Bumfuck, California. He rolls up to this super isolated cabin and happens upon a handsome young gentleman.

Daddy Tanner apologizes for showing up out of the blue, but it was because Handsome Young Gentlemen, who we learn is one Sasha Belov, wouldn't return his phone calls. Sasha calmly explains that, despite what most of Boulder seems to think, it is not OK to stalk and harass other people. No means no.

Not to Daddy Tanner it doesn't. He infodumps that Sasha has been AWOL for 5 years. I'm confused, and have been for some time now. So, we learn in this episode, and from others, that Sasha won the Olympics in 1996, then went off to coach Romania (???) to an Olympic gold. He also managed to "reinvent the sport." Now he's been AWOL for 5 years. How old is he supposed to be?? I mean, he cannot be more than mid-thirties, tops. I don't get this at all.

Daddy tries to buy him off, but it doesn't work. Sasha explains to Daddy that the only way he would have been even a little bit interested was if the Rock team was intact. Why bother coaching the losers in Denver when one could coach the ROCK GIRLS?? All that said with a straight face.

On the beam, Kaylie does the funniest little fake switch leap thingie I've ever seen. Then we see Kaylie's stunt double do like 5 more real switch leaps, which I guess Shiny is appalled by.

I am too, a little bit. It's not until Shiny yells at her to smile more, that Kaylie finally loses it and freaks out at her dad for being such a horrible coach. Good thing Daddy Tanner shows up at that exact moment with a remedy. He rolls up with Skanky Lauren, and immediately turns into Smarmy Daddy by telling the Rock kids that they're going to want to buy what he's selling, while refusing to tell them what that is exactly. Shiny and the girls are all "Fuck that" and tell Daddy, in no uncertain terms, that he is a piece of shit.

When who should walk in through the garage door of drama but Sasha Belov. GASP! Payson starts panting, while everyone stares in disbelief.

The adults race up to the Rock office to bitch about it. Shiny is telling Daddy to GTFO, but Daddy seems to think that since he brought Sasha that everyone should kiss his ass.

Kaylie is also unhappy with the presented offer. She'd rather have her dad make her occasionally do gymnastics than have to spend her time at the gym with Lauren. Payson reminds them that they're currently coach-less and are on the fast-track to gaining like 50 lbs, because no one ever seems to work out anymore.

The adults are still fighting, so Sasha peaces out and exits the office. Meanwhile, Lauren is sucking up to some random SAG 5-worder. Ooh, that'll show Kaylie. Which it totally does, because Kaylie is all butthurt that Lauren, the girl she hates, is talking to another girl. BOULDER ASSHOLES ARE SO POSSESSIVE. Lauren then hits on Creepy, which he kind of goes along with because he's pissed at Kaylie because she won't give him head in the middle of the gym with her dad watching. That poor girl.

Payson freaks out when she sees that Sasha is leaving. She sprints out the door after him, and begs him to stay.

How could you possibly say no to this gang of freaks?

Sasha takes pity on these wayward girls, and asks them to get their parents to stop being such dipshits. Immediately, we see the results, when the parents are relegated to the observation room. OH NOES!

"No parents on the floor. That's a new one," whines Shiny. IT SHOULDN'T BE. It should be a very, very old one.

Sasha gives a speech to the gym about how from here on out, they're going to eat, breathe, shit, and sleep gymnastics. Payson's thrilled, Emily's all "poor me, what about my job?" while Kaylie wonders when she'll have time to stand around and draw messages in the chalk bin with Creepy Carter. Poor thing. Kaylie's pissed, and concludes that the only way to feel better is to go chug a huge, calorie-laden smoothie from the Moose Juice, or whatever the fuck it's called. Lauren, being a ho, audibly invites her new SAG friends to accompany HER to the Moose Moose. That'll piss Kaylie off alright. But Kaylie has an excellent plan. She loudly invites Emily to the Loose Moose, which she rightly assumes will give Lauren a rage stroke. It does.

Kaylie, Payson and Emily show up to the Juicy Moose. Emily tells Kaylie that she knows the only reason she was invited was to piss off Lauren, but that she's cool with it. The other girls meekly deny it, but Emily's not stupid. Well, kind of. But in this case, she's aware of the situation. Lauren and her new SAG friends roll up and sit at a nearby table. One of the SAG girls loudly wishes Lauren a happy birthday, and for a hot second, Payson and Kaylie feel bad. Lauren and the SAGs continue to speak very loudly about Lauren's dinner plans that evening. She's totally pumped about having a one-on-one dinner with Daddy at some fancy French place. A little too pumped. She seems obsessed with her father in the way that most Boulder residents need to be creepy and obsessed with someone.

Kaylie continues to bitch about Lauren, but also mentions that she's maxed out in the stress department. Which is totally understandable, seeing as how her life is filled with insane people. Lauren is trying to ruin her life, her dad is a psycho slave driver, and her boyfriend is some stalker who wants to do her in the chalk bin. So naturally, when some random hot guy hands her a flyer to the upcoming keg party, she's excited to oblige.

The Blast Off Keg Party? Really? Who calls it a "keg party?" Kaylie, never having been to a party before, isn't aware that this looks totally lame, and therefore gets super excited to go. She begs Payson to come with her, but Payson's too good for that shit and says no. She turns to Emily, and asks if she's ever been to a party before. Emily says yes, and while sometimes they're fun, sometimes they're stupid. SAME WITH YOU. I miss when Emily was cool. Payson still isn't down with it, so Kaylie cuntily asks Emily to attend with her instead. Jesus, Kaylie is kind of a bitch in this episode. I like it.

Payson, not one to be left out, finally caves and decides to go to this stupid party. The homely women sitting between their table and Lauren's is thrilled.

Lauren obviously overhears all of this, and isn't happy. Emily, aware of her position in this new group, delivers her own version of a delightful bitchface.

Watching only this scene, one would think Emily was tolerable and cool. That facade is quickly dropped as soon as Emily walks through the door of her apartment. Without even saying hi to Sometimes There Brian, she immediately begins to rant about how hard her life is. Brian meekly mentions that their phone was cut off, which means HORROR OF ALL HORRORS, the internet has also been shut off. That is the worst thing that could possibly happen. I'm not even being sarcastic. You do not want to see me when there is a glitch in internet service. I do not handle it well.

At that moment, Bitchface Chloe waltzes through the door bearing gifts. Emily immediately berates her mother for thoughtfully buying her a new dress.

Over at the Keelor's, Payson's parents are reading Sasha's book, and continue to infodump that Sasha beat Marty at the Olympics, and that he became the greatest coach ever, blah blah blah blah. Apparently, Sasha is supposed to be the "James Bond version of Bela Karolyi." Ooh, the writers must TOTALLY know about gymnastics, because they know who Bela Karolyi is. My dad knows who Bela Karolyi is. And yeah, he calls him Bera Carol, but all the same, it does not take a gymnastics enthusiast to know who the man is. Payson's mom continues the epic Wikipedia fail when she bitches about Bela forcing Kerri to vault on her broken ankle. WRONG WRONG SO WRONG.

Payson's parents wish their daughter was normal, as opposed to being a total weirdo. At that exact moment, Payson walks in, and informs her parents that she will be attending a party that evening. She won't drink, won't drive, probably won't have any fun. Her parents are just thrilled.

Seriously, be happy that your daughter isn't "normal." The normal ones have boys sneaking into their laundry rooms, are banging everything in sight, or getting preggo by some loser wannabe artist. Be grateful that she's just plain weird old Payson.

At Kaylie's place, Leo storms into Kaylie's bedroom, seeking refuge from their insane father. Kaylie is busy getting ready for the evening's slutfest, aka the keg party. She asks her brother for outfit advice, which is uncomfortable. He dutifully explains to her that keg parties are for losers, and that she'll only be surrounded by drunk guys who want to get in her pants. You know, totally unlike her everyday life.

Speaking of out-of-control freaks, Kaylie gets a text from Creepy Carter.

Obviously, by window he means vagina. Filthy. Kaylie rightly lies to him, and texts back that she's stuck at home for the night. She and Leo get into a sex talk, which he is appropriately horrified by.

At the Kmetko's, Emily comes back from... wherever she was, and wonders where her mother is. Sometimes There Brian explains that Bitchface Chloe was slut-shamed into returning the items. All of them, except for the gifts she bought for her children. What a horrible mother. Brian gets to keep his DVD, while Emily gets to keep her blue parachute dress.

When Bitchface Chloe gets home, Brian informs her that Emily has been in bathroom for hours. Bitchface concludes that the only possible explanation is that Emily finally got her period.

Brian immediately corrects his mother, and informs her that gymnasts don't get their periods. "Not enough body fat."

ORLY? Ok, while that might be true of a small, ever-decreasing number of athletes, these girls obviously do not qualify. I don't even know what else to say, other than this bit made me want to break my TV.

Emily finally exits the bathroom, all dolled up with makeup and everything. Her brother tells her that she looks "smokin' hot!" and that just weirds me out to pieces.

Bitchface Chloe gets all verklempt, and races off to find lip gloss for her ungrateful daughter.

At the party, the three girls stand around, totally unaware of what they're supposed to do. Kaylie wants beer, pronto. She doesn't, however, want to wait in line for beer with all the normal losers. She asks if they have more than one keg. I'm sure the coverless, "all you can drink!" kegger has just that one.

Lauren and her jugs sit down for a fancy dinner with Daddy Tanner. She orders the maitre d to remove the mysterious third setting at their table. Whoever is it there for? Daddy explains that Sister Mary Summer will be joining them, and Lauren has a meltdown.

Back at the Val-party, I mean keg party, Emily stands around all alone, waiting for someone to approach her. She asks some random dude if she "looks like a freak." Well, now you do. He stares at her rack until that weiner kid Razor shows up to save her.

Emily can sense the creepiness, so she wisely covers up with her shawl. Who wears a black shawl with a blue dress? She's all modest until another fellow joins the group.

Emily thrusts open her shawl for what is our introduction to Demon, who is a friend/bandmate of Razor's. We sit through some painfully awkward dialogue, where we can gather that Razor has been telling all of his friends about Emily. That's not weird at all.

Back at dinner, Daddy Tanner presents Lauren with a really fancy expensive charm, which she in no way deserves. She moans and groans as if it were an engagement ring.

I love her hair in this episode. Daddy fucks up, and tells Lauren that Summer was the one who picked out all of her gifts. Like any teenage girl, let alone the insane ones, is going to be OK with that? Lauren obviously is not, and storms out of the restaurant. But not before giving her spendy ass bracelet to the maitre d, encouraging him to use it to get laid. And that sums up our dinner of inappropriate awkwardness.

At the party, Kaylie is getting loaded. She is totally one of those annoying drunks who gets all handsy and thinks everyone is her BFF.

She gets all excited about the band, which consists of Razor, Demon, and the Creepies. It's not an ABC Family show without the requisite concert scene.

While Payson admonishes Emily for being a total groupie, Kaylie is off being AWESOME. She's surrounded by a circle of drunks, who are cheering her on as she does a drunken press kegstand.

Like, don't even front. If you are a gymnast, and you tell me you HAVEN'T done this, you are lying. So stop being a liar. Drunken gymnastics is a true staple of any party.

Kaylie is having a gay old time, until that loser assface Creepy Carter shows up. Naturally, he's upset that she left her cage and is having any sort of social interaction without him.

I just don't want to see his face anymore.

Creepy continues to be an obsessive, possessive nutbag, and takes all of Kaylie's rational explanations and uses them against her. She says she needs to have fun, and he takes that to mean that she doesn't have any fun at all with him, ever. Which is probably true, but still. In a fit, he suggests that they take a break. GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. Poor Kaylie. It's not her fault that everyone in her life is nuts.

As the party wraps up, everyone dumps into Leo's car. Razor and Demon stare as Emily gets into the front seat, and wonder who the fuck Leo is. Razor tells Demon that he's off to do some roadie gig for awhile, and asks if he'll cover for him at the Pizza Shack. As someone who has worked in the restaurant industry for a long, long, long, long, long, long time, I am fairly certain that in order to have someone cover for you at work, they must actually be employed by said restaurant. Whatever. He also asks Demon to keep an eye on Emily, because that's what all men in Boulder do: they keep track of their women.

In the car, Kaylie is pretty close to blowing chunks in the backseat. Poor Payson is stuck back there with her while Emily enjoys her luxurious ride in the front seat.

Among the stragglers at the party are Lauren and Creepy Carter. Oh yeah, Lauren's there now. I suppose since she was so upset about Daddy, she felt the need to drive off and be super destructive. Lauren spots Creepy sitting all alone, and saunters up to him. They sit together and obsess over Kaylie.

They bitch about how Kaylie is just "all about herself." This coming from the girl who ruined everyone's lives because she didn't place in the top 3, and the guy who takes Kaylie being stressed about her dad really super personally. Assholes. They decide that in order to share their misery, they should just bone. And they do.

Kaylie passes out in the car while Leo drops the girls off. He insists on walking Emily to her door, while I wonder what the hell every boy in Boulder sees in her. After dropping everyone off, he dutifully helps Kaylie into her bed. She moans about how she doesn't deserve her brother (yes) or Creepy Carter (no.) Leo tells her to chill out, and reassures her that Creepy is fucking obsessed with her. She should just text him in the morning, and everything will be just fine. Kaylie assumes that "in the morning" actually means "right now" and texts Creepy immediately.

At the party, Lauren and Creepy wrap up their boning. Creepy just wants to get the fuck out of dodge, and Lauren fronts like she's OK with that. Aww, poor slutty Lauren. That's what you get for boning your BFF's BF. After he leaves, she hears a mysterious cell phone go off, and hunts madly for the source of the ringing. Smashed way down between the couch cushions is Creepy Carter's phone, which has a brand new text from Kaylie on it, saying that she's sorry. Lauren, being insane, obviously plans to keep Creepy's cell phone forever. Lauren sits there with her jugs hanging out, looking pathetic and lonely. End scene.

What a boring episode. Teen girls get drunk, boys fight over teen girls. This is some revolutionary stuff.

Until next time, may your kegs be full and your jugs hang free!

sour patch kids are just gummy bears that turned to drugs

2011-11-03T23:48:00.013-05:00

Click to enlarge

This is driving me nuts. I was surfing around on random gymnasts' home pages, as one does, and I ended up seeing this picture on Kamerin Moore's website. This is chalked full of stars, we just have to find them.

So far, I see:

1. Jordyn Wieber (3rd row, second from the right)
2. Gabby Douglas (1st row, 5th from right)
3. Amanda Jetter (4th row, 3rd from left) Good find AG!
4. Mckenzie Wofford (2nd row, 2nd from right)
5. Hallie Mossett (3rd row, 7th from right)
6. Kennedy Baker (2nd from the right, 1st row)
7. Elizabeth Price (2nd row, 6th from left)
8. Desi Borgese (2nd row, 4th from the left)
9. Lily Hardin (4th row, 6th from left)
10. Aly Raisman (4th row, 4th from left)
11. Emily Schein (1st row, 6th from left)
12. Mackenzie Brannan (1st row, 3rd from left)
13. Tia Albritten ( 2nd row, 5th from left) Thank you Sixmaxwells!
14. Melissa Chuang (4th row, 5th from right)
15. Kamerin Moore (2nd row, 5th from right)
16. Casey Dreyer (3rd row, 3rd from right)

So help a bitch out. Who are these girls?

**I'm just updating this list with what you're giving me in the comments. That's why Spannyfans are the best! They do the shit that I cannot.**

****Now we have a LIST. Thanks to Bekah, we have the 2005 TOP team list. ****

ok, can we just talk about the jewish elephant in the room?

2011-11-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Let me apologize for this departure from my normal subject matter. I'd much rather write about leotards and bad hair and hilarious ABC Family shows. However, given recent events, I feel it's important that we, the gymnastics community, continue to focus our efforts on eradicating these people.

And by these people, I mean the perverts.

It's terrible and horrifying and no one wants to think about it. But there are a number of creepers out there who, left to their own devices, will do whatever they want. The police and authorities cannot be everywhere all the time, but we, the gymnastics community, can help.

A few weeks ago, I was linked to a gym video on Youtube. It was your totally normal, run of the mill Khorkina splat montage video. Nothing strange about that at all. However, on the side of the page, you know how Youtube suggests videos that are similar? There was one titled something like "Gymnastics Ass" or something equally nasty. Why I clicked on it, I don't know, but I'm glad I did. I found what was an entire channel of close up home videos of gymnasts at meets. And make no mistake, they were not videos of the routines. That's all I'm going to say. Granted, they appeared to be mostly NCAA gymnasts, but still. That shit is fucking gross, and it's wrong.

This exact same issue happened in my very own high school, about a year after I graduated. The main girls being filmed were fifteen. This sort of behavior certainly does not abide by age laws.

I immediately reported the Youtube page, and posted the link on Twitter, hoping others would do the same. They did. GGMB took action IMMEDIATELY, and had the entire page removed by the time I woke up the next morning. Such is the power of the gymnastics community. Say what you want about GGMB, but those bitches got shit done. In record time. And they continue to bring these issues to light, so that fewer gymnasts become victims of these nasty pervert assholes.

Members of GGMB went so far as to contact the FBI Cyber Crimes Against Children Division, and came back with these suggestions on how we, the community, can help.

If you find a website with inappropriate photos or videos:
1. Report the site to the host (e.g., YouTube, Go Daddy, etc.)
2. File a complaint with the Internet Crime Complaint Center http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx. This will allow the FBI to begin a formal investigation, track the IP address and identify the site owner.

If you witness or suspect inappropriate photo/video taking IN PERSON:
Call the police and report the person. The police will have to file an incident report. They can also ask the man to show them his camera (of course he doesn't have to comply, but that's irrelevant for our purposes). The agent told me that they have caught many offenders (a shocking number according to her) simply by asking to see their cameras or computers, scrolling through the pictures and finding child pornography on the device. Reporting the person therefore accomplishes three goals: the possibility of finding child pornography, starting the all important paper trail, and harassing them so that they know not to come back.

I copy/pasted this from GGMB, and I implore anyone reading this to copy it from here, and paste it wherever. The more people who are aware means the more people who can help.

Instead of being the whiny, annoying gymnastics community, let's be the awesome, vigilante gymnastics community that gets shit done.

allow me to ladle you a piping hot bowl of this is how it is.

2011-10-31T23:31:00.000-05:00

The 2011 World Gymnastics Championships All Around Finals, or How I Learned to Stop Loving Gymnastics and Start Hating Everyone.

It's time like these I wonder what it would have been like had there been internet after the 1992 AA finals.

It's been about two weeks since Wieber beat out Komova by a mere .033, and for the most part, things have settled down. So why do I even need to write this blog? My intention, two weeks ago when I capped these pictures, was to do a SCAM-like comparison in order to shut all of the nay-sayers up. However, since then, the majority of people really have come around, so this seems kind of pointless. But whatever, I'm bored. Deal with it.

We'll start with vault. This event was a treat to watch. Although Jordyn underperformed her Amanar, for her, she still had her typical beautiful form and tight rotation. A sub-par vault from Jordyn is equivalent to an awesome vault by most other people. The landing was a little "clunky," was Tim Dagget would say, which resulted in a sizable step.

I love that I can watch Jordyn do Amanars all day long, and never fear for her life. I can't say the same for everybody. Viktoria followed with a lovely DTY. Her form is very un-Russian, in that it in no way resembles an octopus spinning through the air. Legs pasted together, no crossing, pretty toes. She didn't get a ton of distance from the table, but still managed to land relatively upright. Despite a decent chest position, she still took a noticeable step/slide backwards.

Vika had a smaller landing error than Jordyn, but since the COP values the Amanar as being one billion points harder than the DTY, Jordyn comes out with the edge on this event. Despite this being fairly obvious, I have still read the random criticism blasting how "unfair" it is because Jordyn's start value is so much harder. I know, right? You can't make this shit up. Where were these people last year when Russia racked up the points using multiple Amanars (debatable, but that's another rant for another time.) I thought that was the whole point of this stupid new COP: let's see who can do the most hard shit. Whatever.

Click to enlarge, if need be.

Bars. Not Jordyn's greatest outing. That said, it wasn't nearly the trainwreck that everyone made it out to be. She went WAAAAY over on her clear hip 1/1, which caused her to barrel into her bail, which was just a huge mess. That said, she managed to keep it down to a form break, and most certainly did not fall. Let me repeat that: Jordyn Wieber did not fall on bars. No fall. So the next person who says "She shouldn't have won because she FELL!" gets a punch to the crotch.

Following that, she got her routine back on track. She more or less hit the rest of her handstands, and held on to her ridiculously low tkatchev. That skill needs to go like, yesterday. She reminds me of when my cat scoots her butt across the carpet. However, she saved the best for last, and absolutely nailed the shit out of her double layout dismount. I don't know what's up with the downgrade, but I'll take a beautiful, stuck DLO over just about any other dismount any day. That's just me though.

What is important is that despite having a major error, Jordyn came back and blasted through the rest of her routine. Fuck up in the interior of the routine, and you simply cannot afford to step on the dismount. Which she did not. And that's why she's the world champion.

Naturally, Jordyn was to be followed by Viktoria, with her perfect uneven bars body and delightful swing. Yeah, she goes a little overboard with the inbar stalders (I think I counted five?) but whatever, they're all pretty. She knows how to hit handstands like a motherfucker. However, there are exceptions...

She was as late on her inbar stalder full as Jordyn was on her clear hip. Yeah, the hip angles are different, but those are each .5 deductions. I love how everyone and their mother, including Tim Dagget's mother, ranted about Jordyn's late handstand, but largely ignored Vika's.

No one seems to know why in the world she does that messed up 1/2 turn before her dismount. I don't know why it's there. It just gives her two chances to not hit handstands. It makes no sense. Then, a little step on the dismount. I know it's just a little step, but I'm betting she wishes she could take back just one of these little fuckers. One less teeny step, and she'd be the one giving up her NCAA eligibility right now. You know, if they had that in Russia.

Could you IMAGINE if the NCAA recruited Russians? I would die. Viktoria would go to UCLA, while Nabieva would head straight to Bama, obvs. Musty to Florida... I digress.

So after two events, things seem pretty self explanatory. Jordyn threw down on vault, while Viktoria was all "Come at me, bro!" on uneven bars. 1-1.

Up first on beam was Komova. She opened up with a lovely punch front, followed by her signature pass of LOSO-LOSO.

Side rant: it depresses me that this pass is like the height of beam passes in 2011. Don't get me wrong, Vika's performance of said pass is DIVINE. There is no denying that. What gets me is that bitches have been doing this pass since, what, the eighties?? Three LOSOs in a row was the norm fifteen years ago. FIFTEEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS AGO. But that was all shot to hell when it was decided that skills shouldn't be repeated, and then further tossed down the drain when dynamic connections were more or less eliminated from the code. I mean, yeah, I guess you could do LOSOx3, and while it would give you four hundred bonus Spanny-points, it wouldn't get you jack shit in real life. So what's the point? Might as well do a front aerial- pause pause pause- arm swing- BHS- LOSO. Because that's a connection.

Anyway, right, Vika's beam. Gorgeous LOSOx2. Fluffy dance, fluffy dance, and then the arabian. She manages to land it so upright, it's unreal most times. Other times, like today, it's a little off, and she bends at the waist to save it. This is where it all goes downhill for Vika. It seems as though once she has a bobble, they just keep coming until the very end. And this routine was no exception. She fared well on her leap pass of split leap (which I'm not going to cap. There is no point, we all know she has gorgeous leaps,)- wolf jump. Wolf jumps are, by nature, very fugly skills, but she manages to make them look pretty and delicate.

Her L turn was decent, keeping her leg up long enough to rotate the spin, but dropped it before she could connect to her front aerial. The aerial itself came with a balance check, which she had to upright before she could do her sheep jump, which had, what else, its own wobble. Lots of bobbles, zero connections.

Side somi was fine. Back on track, she went for the double turn, which only got about 1.63 times around. But since the code only counts halves, she was scored as having done a 1.5 turn. She eagerly dismounted with a BHS-BHS- high double tuck, which was landed with a low chest and a sizable step backwards.

Wieber came out and pulled a "Jordyn," and by that I mean she came back after a dismal bar routine and annihilated beam. As she tends to do. She nailed her "pass" of front aerial-arm swing-one armed BHS-LOSO. She did it as well as it can be done. Because let's accept it, this is not a connecting pass, and never has been. But the code doesn't give a shit about a little thing we like to call DYNAMIC CONNECTIONS. Suck it, code. All the same, nary a wobble on the pass.

I love how everyone likes to bitch about Jordyn not hitting 180 on her splits. "Lack of split!" they claim. Well, assholes can suck it, because bitch hits her splits. Accept that.

The first wobble is on her side somi, and even then it's just a slight arm wave. Her L turn was amazing, so much so that even Elfi, who is like minutes away from getting Vika's name tattooed on her ass, starts to audibly pant over it. The next visible error came during her PIVOT TURN. It was just a super slight waiver, but even still, it's a pivot turn. I have no idea what is going on there, because she made the exact same error during event finals. I mean, whatever, I shouldn't judge, but it's a pivot turn. A pivot turn.

In a change from her routine from nationals, Jordyn left out the extra half, and stuck with a comparatively easy switch side leap. She also left out the extra turn she had been adding after the L turn. Hmmm. I'd assume those will go back in before London. Lovely side aerial, then it's time to prep for the full-BHS.

People need to shut up about this full-BHS. Crediting non-connections has been en vouge for like ten years now. You think that the world AA final is going to be the first time that the judges are all "Wait a minute, that wasn't connected!" No. Unless you stop moving entirely, the judges seem to consider it a connection. She has a minor balance check after the full, but she never loses momentum. Those arms keep moving, her body keeps moving. Do I agree that it is a connection? No. Does the code think it's a connection? Yes. Thus, she was credited with the connection. (I'm assuming that it was credited. Who knows what the judges really did.)

It really reminds me of those horrid leaps everyone keeps adding to their passes on floor. Like, one out of ten are actually rebounded leaps. The rest are landed, swing arms to set, then a leap. And those all count. So until the code figures that out what connections are, people are going to get credited. Including Jordyn.

Moving on, Jordyn dismounted with her lovely, clean 2.5, with a step on the landing. Three very minor bobbles aside, Wieber absolutely destroyed her routine. Komova, while without falls, still had a number of large errors. Plus, she lost a shitton of connection, so that sucks. Pretty simple, Jordyn takes beam. 2-1.

Time for the final event: floor.

Being that she qualified in second, Jordyn had to go first. I love this floor routine so much. To any asshole who tries to pull the "But that Jordyn Wieber routine should get artistry deductions! It's not very creative..." card, I only have this to say to you: do less crack. Jordyn has arguably the most creative and well performed routine in existence today. It has lots and lots of different movement that utilizes the entire floor. She uses all sorts of levels. Some girls do their obligatory "must get my hips near the ground" pose, but Jordyn has multiple moments where she's up high, down low, to the side. You get it. She is remarkably expressive with the music. But above all else, it is entertaining. She obviously enjoys it. And when the performer enjoys themselves, it's hard for the audience to avoid having a good time too.

Artistry is such a subjective term. Too many people assume that ballet = artistry. It does not. There are so many different styles of movement that can convey emotion; ballet is but one of them. So artistry trolls, STFU.

Onward. Jordyn opened with the Silivas, and aside from a small slide back, it was beautiful. Her legs, her toes, everything is always where it needs to be. Her chest was close to being considered too low, but I don't know that it was low enough to garner a deduction. She followed with her 1.5 through to triple, with which she gave up the same slight slide backwards. That stick rule is such a bitch. It is easily the most hated aspect of the current code for me. Easily. What was wrong with lunging? Now most landings resemble little kids trying to march through mud.

Jordyn nailed her triple pirouette, and hit her leap passes. Her 180 DEGREE leap passes. Back in August, I watched Jordyn warm up these leaps over and over, working really hard to stick them. What good is a great leap if you stumble out of it? The hard work seemed to pay off, because she nearly stuck them cold in Tokyo. Every little tenth, you know? No skill ever seems like a throwaway to her.

Next, Wieber went into her 2.5-punch layout pass, which has given her problems all summer. This was no exception, and it resulted in a step out of bounds. As in, she landed in bounds, and took a step out of bounds. In bounds, then out of bounds. Some people seemed to think that she landed ass-first out of bounds, and should have just ended the routine there and hit the showers. In real life, it was just your run-of-the-mill step out of bounds. Not the end of the world. Jordyn, being Jordyn, didn't let that phase her, and instead stuck her double pike cold. I know it's cliched, but it's true: leaving a good impression on the judges makes a difference. She ended that routine, and her entire night, on the best note possible. That's why she's the world champion.

The final routine of the night belonged to Viktoria Komova. She knew the score she needed to win, and it was easily within her reach. These are the moments that make or break competitors. Some girls live off of this shit, and others... don't.

Vika opened up with her 1.5 through to double arabian. And while it was landed much, much better than in team finals, there was still a minor hop. I know it seems like I'm harping on her little hops and such, but seriously, one of these bitches cost her the title. She followed with a double tuck. Is that a place holder for something else? Why is she doing a double back? Despite the relative ease of the skill, she still took a huge bounce backwards on the landing. If you're going to do a plain old double tuck, you'd better stick the hell out of it. She makes a point of it to then take another step to get into the correct position, like where she would have landed had she not had the huge bounce. I've never understood that. She's not the only gymnast to do it, but I just figure, if you've already taken the step, either cover it up or move on. Each additional step taken is another reminder to the judges that you're not where you're supposed to be.

I know other people don't like the 80s breakdown of her Swan Lake music, but I live for it. There just such a delicious Romania-in-the-80s flavor to it. The bangs, the bitchface, the unflexed wrists. WIN WIN WIN! After her sassy little breakdown, Vika stepped into her double L turn, which wasn't great. It was fully rotated, but the free leg kind of flies up and down throughout the turn. This was followed by the prescribed leaps and jumps, which Vika again did not stick. You gots to stick your jumps. She came THISCLOSE to sticking her triple full, but there was still just the most miniscule of hops. She almost seems like she lands fine, but then moves her feet as she stands up. Maybe once she gets some meat on her bones, she'll be able to absorb those landings. Or maybe it was just the super bouncy floor in Japan, who knows. All the same, a step is a step is a step.

The next semi-major error in the routine was Vika's Memmel turn. Side note: it slays me that Memmel, Strug and Gogean each have major dance elements named after them. Back on topic, Komova both under-rotated and fell out of her turn. She reminds me of Shawn Johnson, in the sense that she stops to finish every. single. skill. And while it's not a bad thing, it further exaggerates her mistakes at times. In this case, she fell out of the turn, lunged, stepped back into her finish position, and did the signature "I'm finished" head bob, which is really just a Russian salute. Or as the preschoolers call them, a "ta-da!" I'm being very nitpicky, but it just makes her mistakes seem a bit more obvious. Khorkina would have improvised some slinky dance move out of that turn, and the judges would have been blown away and added seven Khorkina-points for pizazz.

She ended her routine with the same final skill as Jordyn, with an extremely different result. While Jordyn's double pike was high and stuck, Vika landed with a very low chest (Yang Yilin-low) and stumbled forward. And again, instead of moving quickly to correct her error, she stood up very slowly, and then kind of crumpled into her finishing pose.

Look familiar?

That slow reaction gives the judges all sorts of time to realize and focus on her mistake. Jordyn left the judges with a stunning final impression, while Viktoria did not. And that's why she's not the world champion.

While both athletes had their mistakes, Jordyn performed better than Vika on FX. Landings and sureness of performance both belonged to Jordyn. 3-1.

Jordyn out-performed Viktoria on three of the four events. While she had a major error on bars, it wasn't enough for Vika to take over with two sub-par efforts. And really, that's what they were. Everyone knows that Komova is capable of much better than what she offered on the night of finals, especially on beam and floor. While Jordyn's routines weren't executed as well as they could be, she was closer to her ultimate potential than Vika was. Ultimately, that won her the meet.

Of course, we'd all prefer that every competitor was perfect, and in a race of perfection we'd wait to see who was more perfect on that perfect night. But the reality is, especially with the code we currently have in place, there are going to be mistakes. And because gymnastics is not a single-elimination event, even those who make errors are allowed to keep competing. It's not dodgeball, you don't have to go sit by the wall once you've been hit. Or in this case, arch your back on a bail. The great competitors will take that error, and use it as motivation to be even better for the rest of the meet. Jordyn sure did. And that is why she is the current world champion.

i've put plastic on your chair, so feel free to wet yourself with excitement.

2011-10-29T17:27:00.002-05:00

Ugh. Worlds and Pan Ams are finished. There is always a post-Worlds lull, and usually we just bide our time until Scam. Not this year. Oh no. THIS year, we've got a little thing called THE RETURN OF MAKE IT OR BREAK IT to look forward to! Although I have no clue when that is actually happening. Whatever. Until then, we continue with our first season recaps. For those following along, we are about to embark on what was the second episode of the first season. Ready? OK.

We start inside of the Kmetko household, where the lovely and divine Bitchface Chloe is frantically tearing up the apartment, in search of her resumes. Emily, long before her demonic transformation, is all chill and tells her mother to relax, because she's totally going to find a job soon.

On the car ride to the Rock, Bitchface Chloe apologizes to Emily for being kind of a spaz, but Emily reassures her and is all "It's coo, yo. By the way, I may not have a scholarship, which is like all of our income right now." Understandably, Bitchface is all like "WTF??" but Emily is still super calm and collected and nice to her mother. These were the good days.

Workout is in full swing at the Rock. Some girls are swinging giants, that one pot-bellied girl is doing the L5 beam routine in the background, and we even see a Bross-stand.

Despite a few hard workers, for the most part, everyone is just dicking around in what appears to be one huge open gym. Ugh, those terrify me. You'd go to Open Gym with like 400 kids, and they'd be sprinting all around, not unlike the kids at the Rock. It was too dangerous to tumble or vault, because sure as shit, as soon as you took off, some ten year old chunker would come running in front of you and totally ruin everything.

Kaylie and Creepy Carter are on opposite ends of the gym texting each other, while one of the SAG coaches stupidly asks for a spotter. Two things: 1. Why can't you spot? And 2. Silly man, there are no spotters at the Rock! I think Payson spots the team throughout most of the second season.

More random extras comment on what a shit-show the gym has become in the one day since Marty left to go coach Lauren and the other hoes over in Denver. Kaylie's dad and her mother, the Cryptkeeper, are in the office trying to sort things out. Why is that guy in charge? And how is his head so shiny? It's like he put his melon in the Shine-O-Ball-O from the Simpsons. Anyway, the Cryptkeeper and Shiny wonder who the hell they're going to get to coach all of these misfits.

On beam, poor Payson is being coached by some random guy, who sounds like he's been reading the International Gymnast message board. All he can manage to do is bark at her about squaring her hips.

Oh, and Payson's parents are totally just chilling, having a discussion while rambling around the gym, only stopping directly in front of the beam. On the mats. In their shoes. And no one cares. They stand there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM to talk about how they're finally being invited to board meetings. Meanwhile, after Payson wobbles after a side somi, IGF coach says "You did it again!" but never says what IT is. After she botches a tuck jump, he again yells "SQUARE YOUR HIPS!" and then Payson flips her shit at him. She freaks out that IGF coach isn't Marty, and then runs out of the gym. Kaylie follows her, so we are left with some girl in a floral leotard that is seriously too high cut.

No bueno. The girls run outside, and lament over the current state of the gym. Payson is distraught, being left by a coach she had been with for two years (doesn't she say later in the season that she moved to Rock when she was 12? Is she supposed to be 14 here? The fudge?) The girls brainstorm, and decide to go to Denver themselves to figure out what the hell Marty is doing with that scag Lauren.

Back in the gym, we're treated to a quick little montage of happenings around the gym, which I'm guess was spliced together using shots from the pilot episode, because I see Lauren just sitting around (isn't that bitch supposed to be in Denver??)

And Emily putting on her robe before retreating to her trailer.

What would this show do without me? Sigh. Next, we see Kaylie's older brother Leo strut into the rock. A gaggle of underaged girls come to swarm him.

What happened to the Leo from the first episode?

I don't even... whatever. What matters is that Leo is back at the Rock, and the gaggle of girls shows us that he is desired and attractive. Just so we know. Emily marches into the office, wondering WTF is up with her scholarship now that Marty bailed. Shiny is a dick to her, and simply cannot be bothered with the problems of poor people. He jets out of the office, right as Leo walks in. He and Emily have a moment, as all boys in Boulder are inexplicably drawn to that girl.

Over in Denver, Lauren and the hoes are working out at a real gym. Like, with a pit and everything.

TWO sets of bars? And chalk? Get real. Lauren is on beam, while all of the real Denver gymnasts marvel about how FABULOUS she is.

Of course, this means they're also intimidated by her, and choose to ignore her, not unlike what she did to Emily. Because if there's one thing we know, it's that all girls are huge bitches, and cannot ever be nice to or support one another.

Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer have some lame discussion about going public with their relationship. As if anyone other than Lauren cares. We don't.

At the Cruz's gigantic compound, Kaylie receives a cell phone call from inside her own house. My mom used to do that all of the time. In Kaylie's case, it's Creepy Carter being a huge stalker, and calling her from inside the laundry room.

Isn't this how the movie Scream started? So fucking creepy. He convinces her to come down to the laundry room so he can molest her.

While Kaylie and the Rock girls are at home, the Denver Elite hoes are still at practice, which explains why they're better. Tarah Paige Chellevold hides in the background, as if we're not going to see her, while Lauren continues to be ignored by the other hoes.

Lauren stomps off to look for Daddy, who she finds in a steamy embrace with Sister Mary Summer. GASP!

Lauren calls Sister Mary out for being a slut and a gold-digger, and walks out. Simple as that.

Ugh, now we have to see Kaylie and Creepy Carter make out all over the laundry room. Fucking disgusting. Like, I don't think it's cute. I do not find it flattering or romantic when guys become obsessed with girls, which Creepy Carter is, let's be realistic. He stalks her at her house, and gets mad when she explains to him that right now, her family and her sport come first. The girl is in high school, leave her the fuck ALONE. He then continues his abuse by turning it around on her, and accusing her of making excuses not to be with him. PSYCHO. And she reacts as such, so good for her. But then they take turns grabbing each others heads, so I guess everything is all better now. Gross. Thank goodness Shiny comes home, and demands to know where his daughter is. This girl must have so many daddy-creepy stalker boyfriend issues, it's not even funny.

Creepy Carter hides from Shiny in the laundry room, only to be discovered by Leo. Leo doesn't seem weirded out at all that his friend is stalking his little sister.

Over at the Pizza Shack, Emily is having some meaningless conversation with that weasel Razor. Something about super powers, I don't even know. Lucky for us, Bitchface Chloe comes racing into the Shack, and pulls Emily out of work so she can attend the last minute, super important Rock meeting being held at the Cruz's.

The Keelor's also thought to bring the children to the meeting, which pisses off the Cryptkeeper. Payson and her awesome sister Becca from Bridesmaids go up to visit Kaylie in her room. Kaylie is paging through some old gymnastics magazine, and lands upon the most horribly photoshopped picture of all time.

*****Thanks to Senor Nico, we know the source of this little Photoshop horror!*****

Speaking of Marty, the girls remember their plan to go ambush him down in Denver. Downstairs, Shiny is busy reliving his glory days of being some baseball player. He stops only to ask the Keelors if they know any rich people to be on the Rock board. Naturally, the Keelors are butthurt, because they assumed that they were going to be invited to the board. Not so. They're too poor, and poor people can't make decisions at the gym.

Speaking of poor, the Kmetkos show up to the Cruz's. The Cryptkeeper is again all pissed because Emily is there, and there just simply is not enough shrimp dip for all of these CHILDREN. When Kaylie and Payson come downstairs to say that they're going to head out to Moose Juice, the Cryptkeeper makes sure that they take awesome Becca from Bridesmaids and Emily with them.

But this doesn't fly with Kaylie and Payson. Once they get outside, they explain that it's nothing personal, but Emily and awesome Becca from Bridesmaids should just wait in the cars outside for the next few hours, which Emily happily does.

I want Payson's jacket. And what is happening to that wall in the background?? Anyway, Becca from Bridesmaids is not as content as Emily to be left out, so the other girls explain to her that they need to go see Marty. Emily hears this, and is all "Oh hail no, not without me!" because she needs him to sign her scholarship papers. So all four of them end up in the car on the way to Denver.

I love how they make it seem like Denver is a million miles away, and that this is some grand road trip. Isn't it like a half hour drive?

It does seem a lot longer, because they won't stop jabbering about loser guys they'd want to kiss. Meanwhile, back at the Rock meeting, Bitchface Chloe is snooping through the house, and lands on one of the Cryptkeeper's platinum records hanging on the walls. Oh yeah, she was a recording artist back in the 70s, I guess. Bitchface gets super excited, and then the two of them make some joke about being born in the 70s, which I didn't get at all. Moving on, the Keelors are still butthurt about being blown off for the Rock board. They trash Shiny and the Cryptkeeper, but since they're such good parents, they decide to keep mum about other gyms trying to recruit Payson.

Shiny stands up, and informs the crowd that since he is the only adult there with experience as a professional athlete, this somehow makes him qualified to replace not only Daddy Tanner, but Marty as well. Who actually owns this gym? Shiny is under the impression that no one knows about Marty's defection, but guess what, motherfucking HOUSTON knows, and they're trying to recruit Payson, per Payson's mom. The Cruzs are alternately shocked and freaked out because their daughter isn't getting phone calls yet. Payson's mom uses this as a chance to assert her position in the Rock. Perhaps, as the parents of the #1 girl at the gym, they know a little something about how things should be handled. As if any of this shit matters.

Back in Denver, Lauren is swinging bars, and oh yeah, she's brunette now.

She looks like Aly up in there. She's back the blonde by the dismount though, just in time to see Payson and Co. walk in. Payson marches directly up to Marty, and has a word with him. If you hadn't watched the first episode, one would think that it was a lover's quarrel. Payson's beef with him is disturbingly personal.

Ugh, I like the Denver Elite warmups too! If someone in props should send me one, I would love you forever and ever.

Payson's meltdown causes the entire gym to stop what they're doing, which is unacceptable, so Marty drags her into the office. Lauren takes this opportunity to call out Kaylie for her romance with that nasty Creepy Carter. When Kaylie doesn't give her the response she wants, she then turns on Emily, and blames her for everything that is wrong in her life. But Emily doesn't bite either, and just reminds Lauren that she beat her.

Back in the office, Payson starts talking like William Shatner, and keeps.... pausing while she... wonders why Marty left.... her. In order to protect her feelings, and to motivate the shit out of her, Marty lies and says he left to coach the Denver hoes because, frankly, they're better gymnasts than Payson is. His plan works like a charm, and Payson immediately gets off of his back and vows to be the best gymnast EVER just to prove him wrong. She doesn't need to see him... EVER again. Problem solved.

Because Payson's all ballsy now, she grabs Emily's scholarship paperwork and brings it to Marty to be signed. Again, problem solved.

After the girls leave, Lauren is stopped by Sister Mary Summer on her way to the car. Summer kindly asks Lauren to grow up and stop spazzing about her relationship with Daddy Tanner. Lauren gives us, almost verbatim, the exact same speech that she gives Bitchface Chloe later on in the series. You're just gold-digging, my dad goes through hoes like crazy, etc and so forth. And Sister Mary Summer responds with the exact same line that Bitchface Chloe uses: "Don't underestimate me."

The girls are on their way home, and stop at the gas station to get gas. Naturally, they pick the shadiest gas station ever, the Zippystop.

And of course, where there is a shady gas station, there is a gang of ruffians.

Extremely cliched ruffians. Baggy pants: check. Booze in a paper bag: check. Backwards hat: check. They all start cat calling the girls, and being generally creepy. Not as creepy as Creepy Carter, but still threatening. Payson isn't about to put up with this bullshit, so she does what any girl would do when she's about to get raped: a bunch of layout stepouts!

This was the moment that I knew I would love this show forever.

The ruffians are terrified by such ninja action. The girls turn their backs to the gang of thugs, and strut away. They get in the car, and everyone has a good chuckle. They arrive home like 40 hours later, despite Denver being like 20 miles away, and Shiny is pissed. Leo offers to drive the girls home, probably because he wants to bang Emily. He and Emily chat in the car about not using grips, even though I'm pretty sure Emily actually uses grips. Afterwards, Emily walks inside, and Bitchface Chloe is so excited about how the Rock meeting went that she decides to go pick up some ice cream to celebrate. Emily and her sometimes-there brother discuss how long it will take for their mother to get lost. Answer: not very long.

Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper is on a mission of her own. She rolls up to Marty's place, and tells him that they can no longer bone. SCANDAL! She apologizes for their affair ruining his life, and lets him know that should the information go public, that she'll be fine. Aww, such a nice Cryptkeeper. Then they start to bang.

Bitchface Chloe, lost as all hell, of course rolls up at this exact moment.

Next, we see a montage of the four girls, each in their various beds. First is Payson, who sits up, and begins to do what one would assume is her beam routine.

She is obviously OCD and needs help from a therapist, STAT. Emily just lays there and plays with her callouses, while Kaylie texts with Creepy Carter. Being an overbearing stalker, he wants to know where she was all night. Lauren is on her laptop, looking through old pictures. Most are of her and the girls, back when they were all BFFs. However, she lingers on a picture of her and Creepy Carter. For fuck's sake. What do people see in this guy?! Disgusting.

Daddy Tanner is awoken in bed by a phone call from Marty. Marty tells Daddy to go to hell, and that he's done being pushed around. Daddy tries to blackmail him, but it doesn't work. Dun dun DUNNN. Whatever will Daddy and Lauren do now? Find out next week/whenever I do the next recap.

Until then, my friends, maybe your scores be unbiased, and your gas stations be ruffian-free!

i just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check. wipe away!

2011-10-28T20:06:00.002-05:00

Jordyn Wieber announced today that she will be going pro. Cue the insanity.

I don't really see what there is so get insane about, but, you know, it's the internet gymnastics community, so of course people will be losing their minds.

First of all, most people seem to be making this about John Geddert, because he was quoted saying that NCAA does "watered down" gymnastics in comparison to the elite level skills Jordyn is currently does

OMG THE AUDACITY. HOW DARE HE?!

But seriously, NCAA does watered down gymnastics in comparison to the elite level skills Jordyn currently does. Like, this is an indisputable fact, is it not? Jordyn would not be throwing Amanars at the Super Six. She would not be performing double doubles in the SEC. Her Weiler kips might have stayed, but that's it.

Despite this fact, people are acting as if what Geddert really said was "NCAA sucks, they're all fat, I'm the King of Zamunda, so go get me a sandwich."

Here's the actual quote:

"We still need to keep our eye on the prize," Geddert said of the London Games. "I'm supportive of the idea in that Jordyn isn't cut out for college gymnastics. I don't think the 14 weekends in a row doing watered-down gymnastics, that's not what she's all about. When you compete with the best in the world, I don't see her sinking her teeth into that type of situation."

What is so offensive about that? God forbid that he's right, in that maybe Jordyn wouldn't be super fulfilled doing NCAA gymnastics. Don't get me wrong, I love NCAA. I get my subscription to CBS every year, I dutifully cheer on the best team on the planet (UCLA, obvs,) and I eagerly anticipate seeing the girls blossom and thrive in a supportive team setting.

But it's not for everyone. I get that. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hoping Jordyn would join UCLA and wow us with some divine Miss Val choreography, but I still appreciate that maybe collegiate level gymnastics is not for her.

But, yeah, what kind of monster is Geddert for supporting such a horrifying idea? The key word here being SUPPORTING. I have no idea why people are assuming that he made this decision for her. It's not as if Jordyn is some orphan cyborg. She has her own mind, and two parents who I would assume want what's best for their child. Jordyn's not even like, the first in line as far as Wieber children go. With a sister in med school, and a kind of hot (don't judge me) older brother who is some sort of high school football star, I don't think her parents are sitting around brainstorming different ways to exploit their child. If this is what she wants, and what her parents want, then what is the problem?

Oh wait, the problem is Geddert acknowledging any of that publicly. The nerve. For someone who has produced like a jillion scholarship kids, I doubt that he has some sort of disdain for NCAA.

And let's get one thing straight. John Geddert is 100% most certainly NOT a modern day Steve Nunno.

As someone who grew up during the Steve Nunno era, I feel very qualified in my opinion that he was batshit crazy. I wrongly disliked Shannon Miller for years, because I simply could not enjoy anyone who willingly put herself into this man's clutches every day. What was just an observer's opinion of him became totally validated when Claudia Miller's book came out, essentially confirming what I already knew to be true: Steve Nunno was a nutjob.

When Geddert starts demanding agent's fees from the Wiebers, maybe then I'll compare the two.

For now, I just see him as a coach who is very proud of his gymnast, but also of his own work as a coach. Again, heaven forbid a man ever toot his own horn and say to himself "You know what, I coached this girl to a world title. I must be doing something right." Yeah, what an asshole thing to say. As a coach, I don't think it's so horrible to take pride in your work. I don't know a thing about him as a person, but as a coach, I think he's doing alright.

I think Jordyn will be fine. I think it will be hard, in a market already loaded with Shawns and Alicias and fame-hungry Nastias. However, Jordyn is a gorgeous girl who is at the top of her sport, so I'm sure she'll be able to fight for her share of endorsements.

In parting, a quote from Young Buck:

Its all about money

Gettin major paid

Stack your cheese in all different ways

Tote your strap and keep your khakis creased

Yeah friend (edited for taste), you a thug like me?

you sing like diana ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

2011-10-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

I understand that it has been like, two weeks since the fact, but that doesn't matter because I am still seriously butthurt by Nastia Thunderstealer Liukin. All summer long, she was all "Please, don't ask me about my comeback. I want all of the attention to go to the real, competing gymnasts." As it should be. What a welcome surprise that was, after the last 2+ years of her trying to play coy. Here's my comeback FX routine, complete with 3 backhandsprings in a row! Johnny R. stole my phone, and "leaked" videos of me doing bars! Here's a picture of a rip on my hand! What does this mean???

My response has always been, "Less talky, more el-grippy."

My annoyed ambivalence turned into annoyed rage in the moments following Team USA's amazing prelims competition. I was literally and figuratively high at 3 o'clock in the morning, due to a combination of painkillers and the stellar 100% hit ratio of the team. No pill will ever make me happier than knowing that Miss Gabrielle Douglas was the 5th best gymnast in the world on that day. My fingers were cramping from having to reload like ten different pages for quickhits every five seconds, but I still managed to update Twitter maniacally. When from upon my Twitter stream should I see waning reports of the historical team competition, and increasing frenzy over something else... whatever was it??

Fucking Nastia.

That bitch managed to play coy, keep mum, drag everyone along, whatever you want to call it, for nearly THREE YEARS. And chooses this moment, this ONE MOMENT that had nothing to do with her, and decides to make it all about her. Forget Dougie rocking her meet, or Jordyn qualifying in 2nd (and making UB finals say whaaaa) or Vega overcoming insaneo nerves to nail her shit. It was all about NASTIA.

I mean, I guess Team USA did alright without her. But really, is a team without Nastia really a team? Do results without her name at the top really even count? Probably not.

AND ANOTHER THING! Did she really say that the reason the team did so well was because she gave them a pep talk right beforehand? It was the result of her motivational speech that gave the kids a "light in their eyes." That wasn't a light, that was the reflection of your salmon colored parachute blouse. Stop trying to take credit for shit that you had nothing to do with!

She could have chosen any other moment to make her grand announcement. She could have waited until worlds was over. She could have waited until the day after prelims. She could have waited an HOUR after prelims, but chose not to. Why? Because Nastia (or her agent) needs all of the attention always.

I know I'm being harsh. I actually like Gymnast Nastia. Should she miraculously regain and upgrade her skills, then yay for her. The team would be lucky to have her. THAT SAID, I'll believe when I see it, and until then, STFU.

enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.

2011-10-21T21:46:00.001-05:00

Let's start from the very beginning.

We begin our magnificent journey at the Rock. The gym's main bitches roll up, and we know this because they each pull in to their assigned parking spaces. This is the first and only time we see that Daddy Tanner has a whole hummer dedicated to the cause of pimping out his daughter.

Team Tanner my ass. More like Team Bang All of the Ladies in the Gym. Next, Kaylie shows up decked out in head to toe pink. Again, this is a trend that didn't last long. I'm assuming Nastia put the kabosh on that. They are followed by the Keelers, in their ratty old wagon. This must mean they're poor. The three main bitches are just showing up, but workout is already in full swing for the lowly minions.

This is our first introduction to the various levels of background talent. Some girls can do flyaways. Others stand around like Santa. This girl sports a Ponor-esque super mega high cut leotard monstrosity. This must have been way before the GK sponsorship.

That leo just screams 1997 Reese's Cup. Gross, our first taste of Creepy Carter. With his ragamuffin haircut and butt chin. He stalks Kaylie from across the gym.

In an homage to LGIPB, and all Lifetime movies, the other moms in the viewing room get up to let the Cryptkeeper (who isn't nearly as cryptkeeperish in the beginning) and Payson's mom sit in the front row. Urban legend has it that only the mothers of the HBICs (read: Kristie Phillips) were allowed to sit in the front row at the gym. So move over, second string bitches.

We see Lauren stretching out with the rest of the beginners, proving to us that she is able to sit in a seal stretch. Way to go, sweetheart!

The girl on the right looks just as thrilled as I am. Do they always use underage extras? I feel like we don't see as many little ones as the season goes on. Some of the SAG kids walk over and ask Payson for an autograph. She's just too "focused" to hear them, but Lauren gives her a mighty pimp slap, and she wakes up long enough to oblige the kids.

Lauren, Payson, and Kaylie make some small talk about Boston, which is where Nationals are held this year. This is where things get a little murky. Lauren refers to the meet as their "last Nationals," and then they all blather on about the Olympics. However, we all know that these little nuggets still haven't gone to the Olympics, so who knows when/if that will actually ever happen.

The three yack on as if they had just met, and never discussed gymnastics before. They hit all of the tradition gymnastics stereotypes, restricted eating, and their entire lives riding on one moment. All that crap.

Meanwhile, smarmy Daddy Tanner is having a chat with Marty Walsh, current Rock head coach. They discuss how awesome their gym is, and how awesome their girls are, while Daddy tells Lauren to point her toes while she's on beam. Because she's on beam now. But only for a half second, because now Marty is lining the girls up, and explaining to them how they will compete to make the roster for Boston. Say what now?

I guess their thing is to compete in flights (???) so the girls want to be in the top three, or the first flight. I honest to God have no idea why that would matter at all, but apparently it does.

Oh sweet heavens, there she is, our first glimpse of the Miss Chloe Kmetko, aka Bitchface Chloe. She rolls up in an even shittier jalopy than the Keelers, which must mean she's REALLY poor. A skinny, sloppy ponytailed girl jumps out of the car, and heads into the gym. Great. Welcome, Emily Kmetko.

Inside the gym, Lauren is explaining how the top three always consists of Payson, Kaylie, and herself, so why worry? At that moment, Emily comes cruising by, tumbling some whip backs into a back tuck. Lauren immediately becomes pissy. Probably because she sees THIS.

This leads us to the opening credits. I still remember watching these for the first time, and how hard it made me snort. I'm serious, I snorted so hard, my brain hurt. We open with shots of Emily and Lauren chugging down the vault runway.

We see a quick montage of the girls tumbling and vaulting, which includes Emily Kmetko obviously just doing a belly flop onto a stack of mats. The last shot is Kaylie smacking the bars with her grips before falling, creating a plume of chalk into the air that spells Make It or Break It. Snort-a-riffic.

Back in the gym, we see Emily flick her wrists, and take off for her pass of 2.5-front tuck, while Daddy Tanner trails her like a super creep. He runs over to Marty, and asks him who the hell the new girl is. Marty explains that she's the new scholarship kid. You know, the one they FOUND ON A PLAYGROUND. Sure. Lauren immediately starts biting on Emily's leotard, and how it makes her look so very poor.

From across the gym, Creepy Carter and another unnamed boy check out the girls.

Payson is cool, and the first to talk to Emily. Kaylie is also nice enough, but Lauren has a meltdown as soon as she learns that the new girl is going to be training with them.

In order to really show that girl who's boss, Lauren takes to the beam in order to intimidate her new teammate. Ooh, scary. We are immediately blessed with the beam stylings of Ashley Postell, who does her entire routine on a normal sized beam.

After beam, the girls are in the bathroom, where we see our only reference ever to Lauren barfing all of the time. We couldn't have a gymnastics show without the obligatory eating disorder, now could we?

AHAHAHAHA Kaylie does get a good line though. "Great. I look like a butterball. I am turning into Mary fricking Lou." Hilarious.

Back inside, Lauren and Kaylie each drape a leg over the pommel horse while they watch Emily set up for vault. Lauren realizes that Em is afraid of vaulting. Despite this discovery, Lauren still wants to perform as much sabotage as possible. Anything to keep her in this "top flight" crap.

Emily, apparently the only one working out today, is over on bars. After dismounting, Marty explains to her that in order to be a successful gymnast, her mother will have to be present for all workouts and team gatherings. Because that is a super important part of things. Parents are not allowed to be employed or have other children at the Rock. This is also our first glimpse of the "NO DATING!!" rule at the gym. Hmmm, foreshadowing....

After workout, we meet Sister Mary Summer for the first time. She shows up, and tries to be all buddy-buddy with Lauren. As far as she knows, Sister Mary is nothing more than her dad's secretary. Despite mentioning her "boyfriend," Lauren totally blows it off with a classic "I thought Jesus was your boyfriend." Take THAT, conservative undertones of ABC Family!

During the Keeler car ride home, Payson's mom tries to compliment her daughter on her FX, but Payson's kind of a bitch and tells her mom to shut it, because she "needs to focus." Yes, focus on the car ride home.

Because they're so humble and grounded, Payson's mom informs Pay that she's allowed to be a brat on the way home, but it's time for dinner and chores once they get home. Then, because they're so kind and poor, they pull over when they see a cold, lonely Emily Kmetko standing all alone, waiting for her ride. Payson's mom offers Emily a ride, which she politely declines. She's just sure her mother will be there momentarily.

Obviously, she was wrong, because we see her hoofing it all the way home. On her trek home, she happens to pass by two nasty teenagers going at it in the back of a jeep.

GROSS.

Emily skitters by unseen, and finishes her journey home. After she arrives, Bitchface Chloe is immediately remorseful, and while Emily does give her a little sass, it's nothing near the insane bitchiness we see later in the series. So, Emily isn't entirely hateable. Yet. Bitchface Chloe, Emily, and sometimes-there brother Brian sit around the table and worry about money, as obviously poor families with generic leotards are apt to do.

Emily reassures everyone, because as of that afternoon, she has secured herself a position at The Pizza Shack, a franchise of some sort that she seems to have some experience with back in wherever she's from.

Emily seems so cool, and relaxed. WHAT HAPPENED???

Next, we see the two nasty jeep makeout lovebirds pull into the gigantic mansion that we learns belongs to the Cruz family. Creepy Carter pressures Kaylie to mess up her life, and go public with their relationship. Kaylie reminds him that if her dad finds out about them, he will kill him. No joke kill him. And I get it. I would kill him too.

They haven't got too long to chat though, because Lauren rolls up in her convertible while what appears to be licking the visor.

Get a little closer. Because their relationship is so hush-hush, Kaylie and Creepy scramble around, trying to play as if he was just giving her a ride. Lauren isn't stupid, so she mentions something about kool-aid, and then brags about her new Olympic Rings necklace that Daddy gave her. But necklaces and illicit romances aside, Lauren lets her know about what is really important: getting rid of that scag Emily.

While everyone else is going home to relax, Emily is hard at work at the Pizza Shack. She is gainfully employed by this awesome, methed out girl who I know I've seen in other stuff, but I can't figure out where. Anyway, I love her.

She is just thrilled that Emily can step in right away, since she already has all of this experience. She begins with serving one Miss Lauren Zizes, who happens to be stoned and wants a pizzone.

She obviously knocks this scene out of the park. We'd expect no less. Emily has to deal with bozos like these all night long, past midnight. This includes her coworker, some wormy kid named Razor. I knew he was wormy the minute he bragged that "singing emo" was his thing.

They have a few more creepy moments, and then part ways.

The following morning, we are treated to an early morning conversation between Payson's mom and dad. They have the totally cliched "did we do the right thing, making this our whole lives?" discussion seemingly in the middle of a windstorm.

Payson and her awesome sister Becca from Bridesmaids come out to the car. Becca is all chill and cool, while Payson continues to be a little bitch to her family.

This trend continues when Emily oversleeps, and then freaks out at her mother for not waking her up. So she can train elite gymnastics, work a job, and take care of her brother, but she is unable to set her own alarm clock. Gotcha. They all race to the gym.

The crew warms up before the "Rock National Team Trials," whatever the fuck those are. Lauren hopes that Emily just flakes out, but too bad, because she shows up. After their 20 second warm up, Kaylie is up on bars. Her routine consists of kip, cast handstand, immediate double back. That will surely be enough to keep her in the top flight!

She is followed by Payson, who does two giants before a piked double back. She's obviously the "good one" on the team. Lauren shows us even less, pretty much just a blind change into a double front dismount.

With Emily, we're treated to some real camera tricks. The camera pretty much just spins around with her as she does giants, until she flings her double back.

All the snotty Rock girls cheer for and hug one another, but totally ignore Emily. Dumb snots. On floor, we see a montage of the girls doing shitty hurdles, and some random fulls and stepouts.

Kaylie shows that she's the "cute" one, and finishes the routine smiling at the judges. This gets her father extraordinarily excited. Next, on beam, is Lauren Tanner.

As only she can do, she wobbles on a layout stepout, and instead of stepping off the beam, she absolutely splats on all fours.

Emily follows with some forgettable garbage, aside from a GLORIOUS TUCKED FULL dismount. Lauren is PISSED. So she stomps into the office to discuss her options for sabotage with Daddy Tanner. She cries and complains to Daddy, who tells her to suck it up, and nail the shit out of her vault.

While setting up for vault, we get to see some of the highly talented extras work their magic in the background.

We see Payson lining up for vault, and hear the announcer (??) blather on about how she will be performing the most difficult vault of the day. In fact, it has never been landed before in competition. Whatever will it be??

What do you call a yurchenko vault without the salto? That's what it was.

While we were being treated to that gem, Lauren was eyeballing the sheet with the board settings on it. She uses the distraction of Payson's world class vault as an opportunity to change Emily's board numbers. Then, before anyone can guess what's going on, Lauren races up to vault. She upstages Payson by actually doing a real tucked yurchenko.

Emily gets set to vault, completely unaware that her board settings have been moved by six inches. This is where things start to get a bit Make-It-or-Break-It-y. Like, in the real world, having such a massively mis-set board would be a recipe for death. But not at the Rock. Here, it's just some teenage shenanigans. What fun!

I know it's for a campy TV show, but I don't find neck injuries entertaining. Ever.

But that's Lauren! Breaking girls necks, but never getting punished. But she's troubled, so it's ok. Anything to get what she wants! She's just being Miley/Lauren.

While Emily is carted off to the office instead of the hospital, Kaylie wows us with a Nabieva-style vault.

Lauren is thrilled that top three remain intact, but little does she know, Emily is in the office pushing away EMTs and demanding a second vault. Sitting with her is Bitchface Chloe, who is giving what is only the first of many Oscar-worthy performances.

In the middle of this touching little speech, we hear that mysterious announcer chime in that Lauren is just now taking her second vault, I suppose after everyone else has gone. So not only do they make up their own rotations (UB, FX, BB, VT) but they also just vault willy nilly. After hearing that, Emily makes up her mind to risk further injury and take her second vault. Some random coach tries to stop her, but Bitchface Chloe gives him enough bitchface to crack ice, so he lets them both go.

In the two seconds after Lauren's second vault, awards and flowers have already been handed out, with Kaylie, Payson and Lauren in the top three.

Emily struts on the floor, and demands that second vault. Lauren freaks out a bit, and Emily insists on setting her own board this time. Smart. Some jazzy tune plays while everyone mulls and gossips over this last minute addition.

Emily slowly trots up the vault runway, and takes off of the board with form that will surely give her a top score.

She nails her tucked tsuk, another world class vault, and the crowd goes wild. Payson and Kaylie suddenly decide that Emily is worth their time.

Lauren obviously starts to have a meltdown about not being in the top three, and in response, sells out Kaylie for a contract violation of wanting to bone Creepy Carter, hoping it will get her booted from the top.

Bitch. After being put on the spot regarding her and that nasty Creepy Carter's whereabouts the previous afternoon, Emily jumps in and says that Kaylie was with her, helping her study her Spring Creek Student homeschooling nonsense. Coach Marty buys it, and admonishes Lauren for being such a conniving little bitch. Lauren sprints off to Daddy, and throws another fit.

The rest of the crew happily leaves the Rock. Not Daddy Tanner though. We see him storm into Marty's office, and inform him that he has been busy hiring a private investigator to get some dirt on Emily and the Kmetkos. The PI didn't give a crap about the Kmetkos, however, but instead seemed pretty interested in Marty. Daddy does the old "slide over some pictures" move, and despite its cheesiness, it seems to get Marty rather ruffled. Daddy goes on to explain his demands: he wants Marty to jump ship, along with Lauren and the bottom half of the Rock team, and move over to the Denver team. That'll teach anyone to ever beat Lauren ever. He sounds like the Russian Federation of Gymnastics.

The following day, the remaining Rock kids show up to an empty, dark gym. Upon hearing that Marty bailed, Payson starts spazzing out. Despite doing "everything RIGHT," shit didn't work out her way. That's life, honey. Deal with it.

Lauren makes her final appearance, and blames everything on Kaylie and Emily. More Russian nonsense. She sashays off, while everyone else just stands there, dumbfounded.

And thus, we end our very first episode of our very favorite ABC Family masterpiece. A few things stood out to me:

1. Emily wasn't such an insufferable bitch.

2. Payson was kind of an insufferable bitch.

3. Daddy Tanner was a lawyer. Who knew?

4. There was some good bit part casting, what with Becca, Lauren Zizes and Meth Boss.

My apologies for this being roughly five months late. I was so busy with work, uninspired, but then I had these past few weeks off due to a timely hip surgery. And while I am a ways into recovery, I still have way too much time to sit around and do absolutely nothing. So why not dive into these pics and finish an entry I started back in June?

Until next time, may your leos be high-cut, and your boards be set correctly.

i need to catch up on my strange addiction episodes and your voice has this nasally quality i can only take so much of.

2011-10-16T23:41:00.003-05:00

This is just the first of what I'm anticipating will be several AA recap blogs from yours truly. There is just too much to say for one entry. I have about 70 pics to post, but for tonight, I'm just going to rant.

Now, be forewarned, I am biased. I don't think it's appropriate for a 16 year old teenager, or the entire internet, to have a complete meltdown when things don't quite go as planned. So if this offends your delicate sensibilities, I'd suggest reading something else for awhile.

People are assholes.

I have never read such biased, uneducated nonsense in all my life. Adults, children, fans, coaches. Everyone seemed to take a bite of the asshole pie. It was offensive and EMBARRASSING to the sport of gymnastics.

A 16 year old beat another 16 year old by a very slight margin. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Now, I know everyone was previously wishing for a close, exciting race, but what I think they meant to say is "I hope it's a close, exciting race, as long as who I like wins. Or else I will LOSE MY FUCKING MIND!!!"

It's great to have a rivalry. It's fun to choose sides. It's great for the sport for people to get involved, and to get so invested in the results.

It is not cool, however, for people to sit and trash a bunch of teenagers. To discredit their hard work. To bitch to whoever will listen that Gymnast X WUZROBBED and that the judges are a bunch of lousy, blind cheats.

Let's start there. Now, I know I started with a preface that I was a bit turned off by Vika's temper tantrum on the podium. Yes, I thought it was inappropriate, and yes, I thought it was immature and tasteless. That said, about 99% of 16 year olds are inappropriate, immature and tasteless. I do not see her reaction as being the definition of who she is. When I think of Viktoria Komova, I won't think "Oh, she's that little brat who had a meltdown on the podium because she lost." Because I don't think that's what happened. She was very understandably shocked, disappointed, and upset. Watching her, and likewise, Jordyn cry was such a refreshing and honest moment. Girl, get it out. Let those tears flow.

Disappointment is not, however, a free pass to go all emo and stomp and pout in front of the world. People will surely counter and ask "Well, how would YOU like it if you were 16 and all the cameras were in your face?!" To which I reply, that's what elite gymnasts sign up for. They are very aware that they are performing in front of the world, hence the name World Gymnastics Championships.

So you're disappointed. You've had a good cry. Now it's time to pull up your big girl panties and finish the rest of the meet, which YES, does include obligatory handshakes and standing on a medal podium.

Congratulating your opponents certainly is not something that is specific to gymnastics. Pretty much every sport all over the world offers some sort of post-game "Way to go!" from pee-wee up to the Stanley Cup. We teach our children that after a game, regardless of result, you shake hands and acknowledge your opponent, because it is, after all, only a game.

No one wants to lose. Every girl out there has dedicated her entire life to this sport. A medal does not mean more to one girl than it does to another. Some of the girls were defending their titles...

And other were expected to take them.

With the rare exception, this year's field consisted mostly of teenagers. For years, that dried up old assmunch Bruno Grandi has been grumbling that sixteen is simply too young to be able to handle high level gymnastics. This year's crop of girls proved that Grandi is still completely insane, and more importantly, wrong.

Except for one.

Despite being nearly a year older than the meet's youngest competitor, Viktoria Komova handled her loss with the maturity and grace of a slender, Soviet Kanye West. Upon receiving the news of her second place finish, Vika crumpled into tears, stopping only to ignore every other athlete in the building.

Prior to her score being flashed, when Vika assumed she had won, she did manage to allow Jordyn to touch her knuckles.

How kind.

Afterwards, however, she could not muster up the courage or class to congratulate the new world champion. Or anyone else.

Despite my lofty expectations for young adults to handle themselves with grace even in the throes of loss, I can still cut Vika some slack, up to this point. The loss is still fresh, she's emotional, she's tired. I get it. As I mentioned earlier, this sort of honest reaction if refreshing in a sport full of "I just wanted to try my best, and hit 4-for-4" crap.

But then she continued her little pity party throughout the rest of the festivities.

She pouted as she marched in. She pouted as the medalists were announced. She pouted as she walked onto the medal stand. She pouted as she received her medal. She pouted as the anthem played. She pouted for all of the pictures. She pouted as she walked off of the medal stand. Then, she made not one, but two shows of taking off her tainted silver medal.

After pouting and taking it off once, she was asked to put it back on for more pictures, which she pouted throughout. Finally, she took it off yet again, and finished it off by pouting some more.

It wasn't cute when Khorkina did it, and it was NOT cute when Komova did it.

All that said, she's sixteen. She's a tremendous athlete, and meltdown aside, she will always be respected for being one of the best in the world.

The real shame is not her reaction, but those of the adults in her life. Her coaches, her mother, and Russian journalists are not sixteen. I have never in all my years of being a creepy gymnastics freak seen such uneducated, mean-spirited, and offensive responses to a loss. It wasn't enough to blame the judging, or the current code. No. These people, these "adults" felt the need to come out swinging and discredit the winner. They made it personal. It's one thing to say "My girl should have won." It's quite another to say "That girl shouldn't have won."

And the funny thing is, Vika blamed no one but herself. She didn't come out and blame the judges, or Jordyn. She acknowledged that she gave it away on beam and floor. She took responsibility for her own performances, and for that she deserves a good deal of respect. I wish I could say the same for those around her.

I hope that, in time, the gymnastics community settles the fuck down, accepts and appreciates that our current world champion won her title fair and square. No controversy, no shenanigans. Yes, it was a desperately close race, and it could have gone either way.

Such is the thrill of gymnastics, and sports in general.

you think wonder woman hugs the cheetah before the amazonian smackdown?

2011-10-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to write a million different things regarding Worlds for the past week, but I have been far too drugged up to focus on the computer screen for minutes at a time, let alone write strings of words. However, one week post-op has left me feeling fine, and with a clear head I can say:

WHAT THE FUDGE?

Seriously. Now, I may have been hallucinating on and off, but even in the grip of my hallucination, I was able to understand that the American girls absolutely destroyed the team competition. From prelims to finals, those six girls (yes, six. #teamannali) annihilated every other country on the planet. With a 100% hit record, I thought it was pretty obvious that the best team won. For once, we had a drama-free competition where the champions won because they were the best, not because of meltdowns or shady scoring.

Despite such a great competition, somehow the internet still managed to explode with people who lost their minds.

To be fair, the insanity started well before the competition, with the untimely leg-busting from Alicia Sacramone. Sigh. It just shouldn't have happened. What else is there to say? Apparently, a whole lot, because the gym world lost its marbles. I do not like Martha Karolyi. I do not support Martha Karolyi. I think the selection procedures are out of whack, and are the direct cause of many injuries. Her system is outdated, and if not for a seemingly bottomless pool of depth, USAG would be so very screwed.

That said, I don't think Martha is evil. I don't think she wakes up every morning, and asks herself "Hmmm. How can I destroy a little girl's dreams today?" Rumor ran rampant in the days following Alicia's injury, where nameless sources claimed Martha, upon seeing Alicia crumple on the floor, told her she hated her, and to stop acting like a baby. They claim that Martha said, verbatim, "I hate you."

A couple of things here. I can't understand what Martha says, ever. I don't understand how she has been in the country for 30 years and still manages to speak with the thickest accent imaginable. Despite that, we're to believe that our unnamed source was able to not only hear Martha, but able to decipher what she said during the intense moments following Alicia's injury. I don't buy it.

But I get it, it's fun to hate on Martha. Certain gymnastics communities are calling for Martha's head, all but predicting her impending arrest, and subsequent burning down of the ranch. I wish I could say I was being funny and facetious, but I'm not. They really believe that the police are coming to Tokyo to get Martha, and will award the defunct ranch to the members of the gymnastics community. Whatever.

I can't pretend to know how selection works, especially when it comes to lineups and such. What I do know is Anna Li got fucked. And I'm not happy about it. It's not surprising, however, that despite bending over and taking it from Martha, Anna composed herself in the classiest way possible. Seriously, I can't get over how composed this girl has been, and how well she has handled herself. The effect she has had over Gabby Douglas alone is immeasurable.

I am thrilled that Anna was on the podium, and accepted HER medal. I think Alicia being kept on the team was... weird, but if USAG wants to give her a medal, then that's great. Sac has busted her ass for this country, so it's the least they could do. However, I desperately hope that they give the "extra" 7th medal to Alicia, and allow Anna to keep hers. I imagine Sac doesn't give a crap about which medal she gets.

Despite the lack of Anna, prelims were AMAZING. Gabby freaking Douglas, 5th place AA! I totally thought that was the drugs, but nope, that was real life. In real life, all 5 girls nailed the shit out of the AA. Unbelievable.

What a weird meet though. I can't accept that only ONE medalist from 2010 has the chance to win another medal. No Porgras, no Tweddle, no Mitchell? Again, this is real life.

The all around competition is in roughly seven hours. Words cannot describe how pumped I am. For the first time in a long while, we have two super legit contenders for the gold. Komova destroyed prelims, beating an off Wieber with "only" a DTY. I am so endlessly happy that Vika has not chucked that Amanar. I can only pray that she does not choose to do so tonight, because I fear for her life/knee if she does. Russia doesn't really have the best track record when it comes to chucking. After her meltdown in TF, I would hope that the team realizes that she's not physically ready for this vault. And she's already proven that she can do well without it.

This fact has been another source of internet insanity. The entire gymnastics world loves Komova, as well they should. She embodies everything beautiful and lovely about the sport. Her first place qualification gave fuel to artistry trolls all over the world. Yes, she was amazing, and she had the meet of her life.

What people don't seem to understand is that while Komova had the meet of her life, Wieber had a few small misses. Misses that she already took care of in team finals. In order to win, Komova will have to repeat her perfect meet, while Jordyn really only needs to fix up a few things. Also, team finals showed us that Vika is certainly not invincible. As of right now, I give the edge to Jordyn.

The same people who belittle Jordyn because she's just not Soviet are in arms because John Geddert has the audacity to post openly on his private blog. He accurately pointed out that despite being touched by her coach, the judges decided not to deduct for it. He called out the judges. Given the reaction on the internet, you'd think that he called up Komova personally and called her fat. How dare he say anything about Russia at all, seeing as how his team wiped up the floor with theirs. He's just keeping it real. I have a hard time imagining that any of the actual Russians would be half as butthurt as some of the Russian fans.

The Russian loss has really brought out the soreness in the gymnastics community. Yes, Vika is clearly operating at a fraction of her potential, and yes, Demy is sick with a seemingly life-threatening 103 fever. Yes, Mustafina busted her ACL seven months ago. None of that changes that fact that the Americans hit every single routine they put out there. People are desperate to rationalize such an extraordinary win.

I don't understand how, as fans of gymnastics, people can't appreciate that this meet was won with hit routines. It was not won by who fell the least, or who was able to chuck the most. Is this not what we have been begging for for years?

We can only hope for the same level of greatness for the AA. As long as the scores are fair and the Amanars are not chucked, I will be happy with whoever comes out on top.

That said, #teamwieber

you smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!

2011-09-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

Oh, Visa Nationals. What a stupid name. Therefore, it will only be referred to as "nationals" or "nats" from now on.

Now, while I will be doing a full "nats" recap like a month after the fact, the more pressing issue is obviously that of the twinsie leotards.

Who does this? Everyone, apparently. With the million different ways you could patch together a bunch of colors and fabric, like half of the national team manages to pick the exact same combinations? Unreal. I blame GK.

We'll start with the most obvious offender, Miss Chellsie effing Memmel. While she did not match anyone in the actual competition, she still wore a replica of Mustafina's worlds leo. You know, the one where she knocked out that huge, commanding performance and won the AA? That's like wearing a copy of Lilia's winning leotard. Or Nastia's. OH WAIT, everyone wore Nastia's trademark for like two years. Silly me.

Just, come on. It's not even some super gorgeous leotard that looks amazing and flatters everyone. It's a totally generic, swirly-filled thing. Didn't China wear one of these too? Shameful.

Next, we'll focus on the first of Jordyn Wieber's offenses.

I remember seeing this in person on day two, and wondering where I had seen that leo before. After struggling to piece it together, I chalked it up to it being the sort of leotard that I would draw if I were to make a cartoon making fun of swirly leotards. Like, two boob swirls? Check. Visible swirls on the arms? Check. It was only after some research that I found the initial boob swirl leotard in question. In both this case, and the aforementioned Memmel mishap, we have instances of girls wearing last year's crap. Not so with our final example.

Woof. Let me start by saying that I actually really like the leotard. ESPECIALLY Maroney's. I LOVED hers. It's so different, I didn't initially group it together with the rest of the bunch. It wasn't until later that I even realized it was the same one we saw like five times at Classics. But alas, it was the GK "pinwheel" leotard. Is it embarassing to show up to a meet with the same leo as one of your competitors? I would assume so. Again, I blame GK.

GK, you really can't think up of just a few more designs, so that out of the 20 girls competing, 5 of them won't be wearing the exact same thing? Absolutely ridiculous.

I hate to say this, but it makes one think that maybe the GAGE girls are better off. Rest assured you will be the only one at the ball wearing THAT ensemble...

this should be open. it's civil rights.

2011-09-12T18:38:00.001-05:00

Well balls. My blog keeps getting linked to, and I have no posts! I have some coming, I swear.

In the meantime, enjoy this video. I have wanted to use this song since they used it this season on SYTYCD. Japanese, reference to tens, I mean, the song is totally about gymnastics, right? Totally. I included most of those who I thought might be making a trip to Japan, which explains the heartless lack of Bross. I felt like such an asshole even making this video, and skipping over every one of her routines. Which is why I want to clarify that this is more about the upcoming worlds, as opposed to a nationals recap, where I just pretend that Bross and her vault don't exist. Enjoy!

did you know new york city was built on top of old york city?

2011-07-29T15:13:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been nearly a week since out first foray into the gymnastics season. And it has taken me damned near a week to recover from such excitement. Well, a combination of excitement and tired nerves. I am not built to travel.

Anyway, thanks to Universal Sports, which just magically appeared on my TV about two days ago, I have been able to rewatch the Covergirl Classic. (Stupid name.)

Alright, let me start by saying that TV is so unflattering. This channel makes everyone look like cows. In real life, even Shawn and Alicia are so fricking itty bitty. I mean, we all know that, especially if you've seen them compete live before. But from about three rows up, Shawn looked as fit as a fiddle.

As always, the junior meet was more exciting than the senior meet. Because there were four billion girls competing, the meet seemed to go on forever, but I didn't mind. Al Fong was especially creepy, sporting a gigantic bright yellow t-shirt to the big event. Mary Lee Tracy did exactly zero things for her juniors while her assistant (her daughter?) did everything.

Kyla was Kyla. People bitch and moan because she is "boring" and doesn't stand out enough, but you know what? She is clean and she has lovely presentation. For these two reasons, I support her. When I think "flashy" I think of Nabieva, so maybe I don't like flashy so much.

Ohashi appeared to be on suicide watch. The poor thing looked miserable. Her faceplant on FX was eerily Karpenko-ish. And I'm sure it didn't help things when the entire audience got up and moved closer to beam before Ohashi went up. Oh, and she was last. The entire arena huddled around beam and stared at it. It was uncomfortable.

I kind of love Simone Biles. Her DLO on FX is what dreams are made of. She just had that indescribable sass and fire that this old timer just loves.

Few of the senior girls possess that same sass that I so crave. Perhaps Gabby Douglass, who might be my number one favorite at the moment. Like, just to see her is to love her. She really does have everything you would want in a gymnast. That, on top of her being a military kid. I want for her all the good things.

Her training partner, Shawn Johnson, perhaps you've heard of her, was not that bad. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw her. Maybe it's the wide-screen on my TV, but she looks huge compared to what she looks like in real life. The girl looked super nervous. And who could blame her? Gym mothers were huddled behind her on UB, screaming and pushing their kids down toward the railing. The cameras were up her ass the entire time. After she put her hands down on UB, she walked away, red in the face, and immediately started walking through her beam routine. Which happened to give the gym moms a group coronary. Kids were just about flipping over the railings while their mothers took pictures with Shawn looking seriously disturbed in the background.

Shawn kept repeating this one part of her routine, it was just some choreo, but it looked so pretty when she was doing it on floor. No wrist flicks or anything. But it didn't come across the same way on beam.

Another thing I noticed is that they didn't announce Shawn before she went up on UB. Probably to save the poor girl on FX from an Atlanta-stlye deafening scream.

People can hate on Jordyn Wieber all they want. I love that bitch. Again, why are we complaining about clean, difficult gymnastics? There is this attitude these days that if you're not Aurelia Dobre, then you're a terrible gymnast. I disagree. There is a place for clean, solid gymnastics, and that place is in team finals at the Olympics.

Aly's bar... experience... was even more hilarious in real life. She must have stayed up there for at least four minutes. And I'm pretty sure she made eye contact with the audience while she was up there. Her vault was something else. I never saw her land it in warmups, so I imagine everyone was pretty nervous when she competed it. I know I was. I was sitting directly in front of vault, only a few rows back, so I was privy to all of this. She landed the vault, took a billion steps back, and then smiled. It was this odd look of amusement and relief. I probably had the same look on my face.

This vault was far less horrifying than Keely McNeer's Pak. No joke, she caught the Pak with her jugular. Her neck. Not her face, not her collarbone. She caught it with her windpipe. And her coach was all "Meh. Real athletes keep going," and just let her go on with her routine, which she botched probably because she couldn't breathe. I get, like, pulling a Kerri Strug and competing with a sore ankle or whatever. But your neck is something else. If you smash the tube in which you use to breathe, maybe you don't need to go on with the meaningless Covergirl Classic. Just something to think about.

Alicia was Alicia. Oh, but there was a super cute moment before Aly's FX. Alicia gave Aly a hug and a kiss, and then Aly pointed out a corner to Alicia. It was the corner where Aly would land her Arabian-punch front. Alicia hauled ass around the floor, which meant about ten out-of-shape camera guys were also running, trying to keep up with her. She stayed in that corner until Aly landed her pass, after which she clapped, and walked away.

We happened to be sitting behind the Jetters. Let me tell you, Amanda's dad is the cutest/funniest thing. He got up, and stood right next to the railing during her beam. He was more animated than an on-camera Bela Karolyi. He was jumping, grabbing, hugging himself, and cheering. It was really cute to see.

Sabrina Vega was more impressive in person than I thought she would be. I hadn't really formed an opinion of her before. I had only seen random youtube videos of random meets. But she has that little something extra when you see her live. Really a beautiful girl.

I know I'm in the minority, but I'm not as in love with Alicia's FX as everyone else. I love the first 2/3s of the music. Very epic. But then it goes in to the Step Up crap. What's that about?? While I'm happy that there was little-to-no thigh rubbing, it still seemed to be a lot of angle hips and booty thrusts. I do love when she does the double arabian, and the music goes silent, and all you can hear is her blast the landing.

What else, what else... ok. Aly's FX. Again, maybe it's Opposite Day, but I didn't HATE it. It's not a masterpiece or anything, but it was appropriately insane. Watching it live, it didn't seem nearly as awkward. The down-to-the-floor bit was cute.

That's all I have, for now. If anything else jumps into my head, you'll find it here. Now it's time to get geared up for Visas, which is all but one block from my apartment.

whereas i'm spending my summer composing pip pip hooray, the broadway musical about pippa middleton.

2011-06-07T16:07:00.002-05:00

Guess which bitch just won two free tickets to Day One of Nationals this August? THIS BITCH DID. I did so by retweeting @XcelEnergyCtr last night. They just happened to pick one Miss Spanny Tampson for their free tickets. I mean, it's gymnastics, so it's not like these tickets are going to be sold out or anything like that. But free tickets are free tickets. I would imagine that the Xcel will have similar contests in the upcoming months, so everyone should follow them post haste.

I should also add that the Xcel is the best arena of all time. I know this because I live about a block away. Also, I've been going there for about a dozen hockey games a year since 2000. It has continually been rated the best arena by Sports Illustrated for a reason. Because it's awesome.

So come one, come all. Let's go to Nationals this summer!

Oh yeah, that pesky Make It or Break It show. Following a disturbing dream I had, where I busted adult baby Kelly Parker for stealing my Vicodin, I decided that I should probably recap the first season of our favorite trainwreck. I'm kind of enjoying the break right now, but I'm hoping to start again next week. I am downloading the first season now, so after that's all taken care of, it's time to recap this shit.

Miss you all!

he charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.

2011-05-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

Part Two of this season's absolutely riveting Make It or Break It finale. If you'll recall, we left off with Lauren and the New Guy getting T-boned in the intersection, because Lauren thought it was a fine idea to stop there. It kind of sucks that we didn't really get to experience that as a cliff hanger. Instead, we see Sister Mary Summer (copyright: Kitty) race into the hospital, to check up on the wayward teenager that she had disowned some 40 minutes earlier.

Sister Mary Summer and her eyebrows demand to know what happened to her dear, sweet Lauren. Turns out she is just fine, only suffering from what seems to be some sort of zombification.

The New Guy, however, didn't fare so well. He suffered a concussion as well as a fractured collar bone. Lauren managed to avoid being pulverized by the car probably because she is a gymnast, and was able to flip out of the way of danger. All of that is meaningless though, because all Lauren cares about is that her "mother" came to get her at the hospital. True to form, she pretends that nothing prior to this moment has happened at all. She feeds Sister Mary Summer a bunch of needy bullshit, until Sasha walks in. He chews her out for being a dumb bitch, and warns her not to do it again. Lesson learned. The lesson being that there are never any consequences for our friend Lauren. Sister Mary threatens Lauren that she had better come clean about the Payson-Sasha DVD. So very threatening.

Kaylie, Payson, and Austin all show up to check up on their friends. Payson wants to know what the fuck Lauren was doing with the New Guy, which Lauren obviously assumes is an opportunity to antagonize her a little bit. She implies that they were doing something a whole lot sexier than just listening to her sob about her fake mother. Austin is the only one who seems to understand the implications of Lauren pretty much ruining the New Guy's athletic season. That, or he's the only one who cares.

A nurse comes over to let the group know that the New Guy is asking for a hot blonde. Lauren assumes he means her, and off she goes. Payson is butthurt, and confesses to Kaylie that she told the New Guy that she loved him. Adult baby Kelly Parker catches up with the crew, and asks about Lauren. Kaylie hates her guts though, and puts on this huge bitch fit about her coming. AB KP reminds Kaylie that she gave the stupid journal back, and that she could have done a lot worse with it. Kaylie ignores her like a little brat, so AB KP says fine, they'll go back to being snatchy enemies.

Zombie Lauren goes in to see the New Guy. He's doped up to the nines, and apparently doesn't know who the fuck she is, because he starts moaning Payson's name. Cue more pouty grunty faces.

The next morning, Payson makes a last minute effort to start packing. She's all emotional about being shunned by the New Guy. Payson's parents are confused at best. What is the hilarious Becka Keilor supposed to be doing while everyone else is out of town? I'm surprised they mentioned her name at all. I thought she was off at boarding school with Brian Kmetko or something. The Debbie Downer parents moan about having gone through all of Payson's endorsement money already, having had paid their mortgage and all that.

At Casa de Cruz, the NGO asshole shows up to let Kaylie know that she is the de facto team captain. He briefs her on what to say to the press regarding her "ACL tear." He reiterates that they can't come out about her anorexia, because the judges have free reign to assign scores however they please, and there are standing "has an ED" deductions on the books. I think admitting to anorexia is something like a .5 deduction. Per person on the team, of course, if the perpetrator is team captain.

Finally, we are in Rio, where we get to see the girls march up the stairs to the arena on their requisite matching outfits. China marches in like Nazis, while Russia looks all cool and slutty. Team USA, in wannabe Ralph Lauren gear, stumbles around, unsure of where to go and who to speak to. Sasha gives them explicit directions to speak to no one, which of course Lauren quickly ignores. After hearing Fake Musty tell the reporters that she's not worried about Genji Cho or Kelly Parker, Lauren decides that it's a good time to interrupt, and tell everyone how she is totes going to win beam gold. Kaylie then gets whisked away, and is asked about her ACL tear. She flubs, and admits that she never had surgery. The NGO asshole is PISSED. He forbids Kaylie to speak to any press.

Meanwhile, Payson's parents are accepting foo-foo umbrella drinks on their daughter's dime. They are riddled with angst regarding Payson tossing her NCAA eligibility away, when who should show up in fucking RIO but the head coach of Stanford gymnastics. Apparently, she doesn't have a phone or an email account, because this bitch came all the way to RIO to recruit Payson to compete for Stanford when she injures out of the Olympics. Her parents are devastated, natch.

Outside, Austin is doing some sort of publicity-laced sluttery in the pool. He's surrounded by chicks while reporters ask him about the sunglasses he's hawking. I'm sure this exact scenario happens with Nastia, but instead she lays on floaty beds while eating sandwiches. Then she falls in the pool.

The reporters ask about his love life, and whether or not he has a girlfriend. To prove that he does not, in fact, have a girlfriend, he makes out with a bunch of sluts in a row.

Even the girl watching them is happy. Kaylie, also watching them, not so much. She storms off, and Austin runs after her. He explains to her that it is all an act that he needs to put on in order to hawk his glasses. She's all pissy, until he reminds her that she's a fakey-fakerton too, since she's been lying about her eating disorder.

The time has come for prelims. No podium training necessary, because no one here competes on a podium. Continuing what seems like Make It or Break It's obsession with stairs, the teams' march in involves them all cascading down a flight of stairs.

We see that tonight's announcers are none other than Nadia Comaneci and Bart Conner.

Didn't catch that? BART MOTHERFUCKING CONNER!!!!

Be still my heart! He immediately gives this entire sham meet an air of reality. His voice also soothes me into a calm dream-like state. If I close my eyes, it's almost as if I'm watching real gymnastics...

The illusion of reality explodes once Bart explains the format of the meet. 44 teams compete in two days of prelims, and the top 4 from each session moves on to finals.

First up on beam, in kind of a cute leotard, is Lauren.

Hate the blue pattern. Is it snakeskin? Also not a fan of the throwback jersey neckline. The rest though isn't half bad. For whatever reason, Sister Mary Summer is also on the floor. Sasha reminds Lauren that she is not to do any of her slutty choreography. Just boring, clean gymnastics. Which explains why she's already ditched her Garrison mount, as she prepares to mount the gigantic Big Betty beam from the side. The beam also has a camera attached. Which I'm sure meets FIG regulations.

Obviously, the camera is needed to catch these stunning crotch shots.

If any one shot in the whole show was totally necessary, this was it. Sasha, having instructed Lauren to ditch anything interesting at all in her routine, watches while wearing the best warmup jacket ever.

I'm not even kidding. I love this jacket. I happen to collect various athletic jackets, and even though this is a fake one, I want it. So if anyone out is out there reading this who has the ability to find me this jacket, please let me know with a quickness.

Lauren continues to take all of the good stuff out her routines, and stuffs it with a front aerial, a wobbly illusion, and a really squatty 1/4 dive to handstand.

She wraps her shitty routine up with a whoosh-whoosh double full, while she takes a step to the side and off of the landing mat. Sasha says not to worry, even though we do seem to be dealing with a 6-1-1 format.

Next up is Fake Musty on UB. She dangles on the bar in order to mimic a kip.

I mean, props for the bitchface, but those armpits won't be seeing a real kip anytime soon. She goes into a bail, toe-on hecht to the high bar. Also watching Fake Musty's routine is Team USA, who is also flashed with a great leap bomb in the foreground.

Somebody get me Sasha's jacket! Fake Musty wraps it up with, what else, but a whoosh-whoosh double full dismount in front of some spotlights. The bars also seem to be adorned with little clip-on cameras.

The girls rotate to vault, where the only competitor will be Kaylie Cruz. AB KP wishes her good luck, but Kaylie tells her to fuck off. Kaylie lines up to throw the miraculous Amanar that she learned in only two days.

She makes it around, Musty-style, but takes a large step forward.

Now, in a total change of pace, Make It or Break It gets it totally right, when the real FIG gets it totally wrong. Nadia points out that such a sloppy vault, with its resulting large step, will incur a large deduction. Imagine that. A DEDUCTION for a shitty Amanar. However, whatever credibility that was gained is immediately lost when Kaylie heads back to throw her second vault.

One might argue that she was throwing her second vault in order to qualify for event finals, but come on. We all know better. Kaylie proves this by throwing a 1.5Y for her second vault, which the announcers admit was supposed to be another Amanar. So there you go.

The only person cheering at all, and being a good team member is AB KP. Everyone else is snatchy and quiet. Meanwhile, Fake Musty is up on beam.

Can't argue with a split leap, now can we?

She does some of her weird hyper-extended elbow choreography, and catches a glimpse of Payson warming up for floor.

Ooooh, girl, you are gonna SCURRRR her with that flexibility. Fake Musty blows it off, and dismounts with... wait for it... a whoosh-whoosh double full. Her creepy coach approves.

Before walking off, Fake Musty winks at Payson, which unnerves her. Her parents can tell from the get go that Payson is going to fuck up her FX.

Using the only music without vocals in the competition, Payson starts her Swan Lake routine. She starts with steps and wobbles on her big opening pass of a piked double back. She follows with a 2.5, which she sits down. The first time we see her, she appears to under rotate, and take a step back. The second shot, however, shows her having over rotated and stepping forward.

Payson's parents sit in the stands, pretty much kissing all of that endorsement money goodbye.

Again, following the 6-1-1 format, and also stepping away from the traditional Olympic rotation, the girls have moved over to UB. First, and only one up is Kelly Parker. Her teammates don't give a shit, until Sasha rips them a new one for being shitty little girls.

Jordan Schweikert listens on as Sasha tells them to drop the bullshit, and act like a real team. The girls are in 5th, and only the top 4 move on to finals, so they have to get their shit together. Kaylie leads the charge, and begins the slow clap for Kelly Parker.

Sure enough, everyone else joins her, and before you know it, everyone is clapping, almost like a real team. Kelly, being human after all, is pumped on by her teammate's cheers. She starts with one of her two squat on transitions, and does a nice tkatchev right into a blind change jaeger. Does anyone do that in real life? That would be kind of neat. She does a bail, and goes into her second squat on of the routine. Bad girl. She dismounts with a full in double back, which seems to be done over some random shit on the mats.

Which doesn't matter, because she sticks the landing.

Her teammates clap politely. That routine eeks the girls into fourth place, which barely gets them into the finals. This is so very 2000.

The main four girls ditch their two teammates, and go up to their hotel room, where they each march to their assigned seating position for the upcoming lecture. Coach is PISSED. These are a bunch of snotty teenagers, and they each almost blew their chances at advancing to the finals. So, in punishment, Sasha orders them all to stay in the room until they get their shit figured out.

Kaylie makes an attempt to start a real discussion, but Lauren immediately butts in with all of her drama, and whining about all of this shit that she's at fault for anyway. This just opens the floodgates for all of the girls to bitch about everything.

Kaylie is pissed at AB KP for stealing her journal, while Payson is pissed at Lauren for being a ho. Kelly's pissed at Kaylie for having been named captain. I thought they were supposed to vote on that shit? Whatever. After they've all had a moment to calm down, Payson apologizes for having let boys get to her head, like the rest of these dumb bitches.

AB KP puts an end to this shit, and tells the girls that she knew they were all fake cheering for her. But she didn't care, because it was nice to belong to a team, for once. She guilt trips the shit out of them, admitting that she has been jealous of the Rock girls this whole time. That is, until she saw how stupid and catty they are all. This prompts emotional teary faces from the entire quartet.

Payson cries about giving up her NCAA eligibility, until AB KP comforts her, telling her at least she has parents who care about her. Payson continues sobbing, admitting that dumb slut Lauren won, and that she can keep the New Guy. Lauren pipes up, admitting that he was was actually calling Payson's name in the hospital.

Ahh, reflection. The girls realize that they've all been super stupid, and all become BFFs.

Kaylie gets kind of salty, because everyone's confessing their sins, yet she can't. All she wants to do is come clean about her ED, but everyone knows that the NGO asshole will be up her ass if she does.

The girls decide to hold an impromptu press conference, where Kaylie tells the crowd that she has an ED.

No one gives a flying fuck, except for the NGO asshole, who believes that she, and the entire team, is dunzo.

The girls are in the locker room, prepping for finals. In what may well be the creepiest scene I've ever seen on TV, the girls pass around this ceremonial lipstick while listening to the Flowers in the Attic soundtrack.

Not only are they sharing one tube of lipstick, but hell if it isn't the ugliest shade on the planet.

The four girls once again ignore the remaining two members, and have a small team huddle.

Leading off on beam, or perhaps the only one competing on it at all, is Lauren. Sasha comes over to give her a pep talk, but she interrupts him with the admission that she was the one who edited the Payson-Sasha make-out DVD and sent it to Ellen Beals. She tries her damned hardest to break down during her confession, but it just comes across as fakey as ever. Sasha absorbs this information, and walks away. Summer, pleased with Lauren's confession, watches from the stands. A few moments later, Sasha returns, and tells Lauren to forget the whole clean-gymnastics thing, and just go for her slutty routine.

All is forgiving, once again proving that Lauren can do whatever the hell she wants, and she will never be punished, ever. Do you think Martha forgives her gymnasts once she's been scorned? HAIL NO. Lauren again clings onto her coach, all while wearing her thong leotard and standing next to the oversized beam.

Lauren once again mounts the gigantic Big Betty beam, complete with attached crotch cam.

She continues on with her inappropriate choreography, and does an Okino before stepping into the requisite butt shelf.

She throws the front aerial, but this time, instead of the illusion, she does this prolonged penguin butt waggle thing.

That goes on for about 8 seconds too long, and is wildly inappropriate. She ends with her compulsory whoosh whoosh double full dismount, but not before running past a whole bunch of shit on the ground underneath the beam. What was that shit?

The girls rotate from beam to vault, which is totally normal. I guess Kaylie is passing on vault today, because Payson is vaulting in her place. She barrels down the runway, and sticks her 1/2 on tucked front cold. Despite sticking it, she manages to do something to her ankle.

Oh gee, an ankle injury on vault. I've never seen one of those before. Whatever will happen? Oh no.

After determining that it is both numb and hurts like hell, Payson tells Sasha that she absolutely must do her second vault (???) Despite barely being able to walk back to the top of the runway, neither her coach, teammates, or parents stop her from attempting to perform her second vault on one foot.

She stands at the top of the runway on one foot. She hurdles with one foot. I have to admit, there was a good 5 seconds or so that I thought she might bounce on one foot down the entire length of the runway. But no, she eventually uses two feet to do her vault, which she shockingly upgraded from a 1/2 on front tuck to a Khorkina II. She, of course, sticks it on one foot.

I feel as though I have seen this before. No longer in pain, Payson winks at Fake Musty.

Next, we find ourselves on FX, where Genji Cho is performing her homage to Jiang Yuyuan.

Since Payson busted her ankle, Sasha decides that he's putting AB KP in on FX instead. Kelly Parker decides that, meh, she's just not feeling it today. Instead, Kaylie should anchor floor instead. I'm sure putting in the girl who hasn't done floor in 6+ weeks is a fine idea. Sasha says whatever, and puts her in.

Kaylie opens with a wild double arabian, and then swings her hair around for awhile. She follows with a 2.5 into a 1/1. Two passes is all you need, really. Especially when you have this BEAUTIFUL sheep jump to end the routine!

Blame me all you want for picking a shitty picture, but this is where they decided to freeze frame this jump. We got to see this glorious jump at this position for a good 5 seconds. Everyone stares at the scoreboard while waiting for the scores to come out. Chants of USA-USA start to pop up. Eventually, the board is updated, and the USA comes out on top.

Russia must have bombed, because their scores did not budge from their 3rd rotation to the 4th. That, or they just somehow scored 50 points less than China and the US.

I am such a nerd. Even while watching a fake team win fake Worlds, I still get chills watching them listen to the national anthem. Good thing the organizers had red, white, and blue balloons and confetti all set to go! Would have sucked for China if they won.

This scene reminds me of the 2000 Olympic Trials. After the meet, everyone is hugging and congratulating. Sister Mary Summer, having forgotten every shitty thing Lauren has done in the past, runs up and hugs the little shit.

The moral of this story is, do whatever the fuck you want. Everyone will forgive you every time, as long as you crash your car and then win Worlds.

Payson is shocked when the New Guy somehow manages to break out of the hospital to come see her in Rio. He tells her that he loves her, and when he tries to tell her that he's bisexual, she tells him to shut up. I'm excited to see how that storyline plays out next season. And there had BETTER be a next season....

Austin and Kaylie are being all huggy, and when the reporters ask him if Kaylie is his new girlfriend, he says why yes, yes she is. Then he makes out with her, which is uncomfortable for everyone involved. Before they can get it on further in public, Kaylie is whisked away by Payson and Lauren, so that they can go back into the arena, and reflect over their win.

That really is a nice picture, seeing as how Emily isn't in it. I thought for sure she'd pop up in this episode, maybe watching the girls win team gold without her on TV. I will say though, that without Emily, there was ZERO BITCHFACE CHLOE in this episode, and that is simply unacceptable.

So that's that. The girls won Worlds. Everything may be wrapped up in a neat little package, and yet, there is so much yet to be explored in the next season! Will Payson freak out when she learns that the New Guy likes boys? Will Sister Mary Summer flip her shit when someone with such loose morals is invading her gym? If she forgave Lauren, does that mean she forgives Daddy too, and that the wedding is back on? Will Sasha and Bitchface Chloe PLEASE hook up already???

I need this show to be renewed. Do you hear me, powers that be? LISTEN TO ME!

Until next season, which will happen, I MAY decide to recap the first season. No promises. But there is just so much untapped gold, that it would be a shame if someone didn't rip it all to shreds.

Until then, friends, may you all pass your lipstick on your way to gold!

they're hideous. my kids are at least attractive. yours look like they haven't been baked properly.

2011-05-25T21:24:00.001-05:00

Guys, I am in depression mode. Make It or Break It is over for the season. And is it over for good? I don't even know. All I know is that I need this nightmare in my life.

But what a sendoff it was! Let's start with the first hour of our spectacular finale, shall we?

Our epic evening begins in the Rock parking lot, which is the only feasible place for a team photo shoot. The girls give cheeky smiles while bitching each others ears off. Lauren is trying to brag about the send off party that she's throwing, but adult baby Kelly Parker doesn't give a shit about it. Not that she's invited or anything. Kaylie reminds Kelly Parker that she's part of the team now, but AB KP makes it clear that team means very little to her, when the AA gold is where all the big bucks are at. At this very moment, of course, the photo shoot director asks Kelly Parker to move on back so that Kaylie can be front and center. She is the current national champion, after all.

Peggy Hills gets a whiff of this, and begins to berate everyone accordingly. She also takes a moment to tell that NGO asshole about Kaylie's anorexia.

He's pretty nonplussed, because the NGO is suddenly all righteous and awesome and doesn't listen to rumors. As a witness to this snatchiness, Payson's dad asks who that horrible woman is. Payson's mom and Summer explain that it's just Peggy Hill: Kelly Parker's horrible bitch mom/manager. They all bond knowing they would NEVER sell their daughters out like that. Never.

The girls are still flapping their gums, this time about how they all know Fake Musty and Genji Cho are going to kick their asses anyway. Lauren reiterates the whole "team means shit" theme because all she cares about is medaling on beam, which Sasha totally thinks she can do. He gives her all sorts of special attention now, which of course will feed mightily into her obvious daddy issues. She takes a moment to cling on to her coach inappropriately.

Press Day continues inside of the Rock, where Payson is painfully attempting to film a small promo in Portuguese.

She sucks at it, and no one is pretending otherwise. Even the semi-attractive cameraman is not amused.

Finally, they just let the dumb girl say it in English. Meanwhile, Peggy Hill confronts her daughter, and blames her when she finds out that Kaylie got the Healthy Bar endorsement. As she sees it, Kelly Parker let Kaylie beat her at Nationals, so she is to blame for this whole mess.

However, since Kelly Parker is almost becoming kind of human, she's conflicted about trying to sabotage Kaylie's career. She tries to calm her mother down, but she's not having it. Kelly is called up to shoot her promo, but first goes to her gym bag, which happens to be holding Kaylie's journal. She stares at it, debates, and then stuffs it back in there.

I just want to say that in this, oh, 60 seconds or so, adult baby Kelly Parker has shown more character development than Emily Kmetko has in the past two seasons. Brava!

Kelly Parker jumps up to do her spot, and of course knocks it out of the park. She finishes with the kind of smile that a kindergartener has on her first day of school.

Adult baby. Up in the Rock office, the NGO asshole hands the unedited Sasha-Payson DVD over to Payson's mom. He explains that it will completely exonerate Sasha from any wrongdoing. Payson's mom tells the NGO asshole that she and Payson's dad won't be able to afford the trip to worlds, and while he seems genuinely sorry for them, Summer doesn't give two shits about their financial problems. She just wants to know who tried to fuck with Sasha's career. Both women try their best to come across as threatening, because they're both just so mad about the DVD, but that really fails. The only thing scary about Summer is her eyebrows.

In the gym, Sasha is actually coaching the girls, for a change. He works with Lauren on beam, while she wears the same leotard that everyone's been sporting for the past few weeks or so. Gross. She starts with a lovely Garrison mount, which awards her four billion points from Spanny Tampson's bank of awesomeness. Wasn't she mounting with a split a few weeks back? Now the full is a mount I can get on board with. Then, as if someone had been reading my dream routine journal (which doesn't really exist... or does it?) she goes into her pass of BHS-LO-LO-LO! I don't care that this pass is useless in today's code. It's a real flight series, and I love it. I always will.

I don't know who that is. It's not Lauren, I know that much. But I don't even care, because I love that pass so much. She wraps up her awesome pass, and goes into all of her slutty butt-shelfy choreography. Sasha puts the kabosh in that immediately.

He explains that she's looks like an idiot, and no one will take her seriously at Worlds. He tells her to go into a ten second arabesque, which she does.

Meh, I've seen worse. Kaylie and Payson decline to work out, and instead gossip about Lauren's being lobotomized on beam. The New Guy comes over to flirt with Payson, which of course Lauren sees.

She holds onto her craziness though, and continues her routine. She throws a side aerial, and works right into what they call a kick front flip (???) but really it's a Portocarrero. Dear God, she lands on her ass hard. But never fear, the beam is about two feet wide, so she easily hangs on. Next, she throws a nice arabian, before going into her double back dismount, which I'm surprised this show has ever heard about. I thought the only dismount available to the show was a double full. Possibly a single with extra whoosh-whoosh noises. Lauren eats it on her double back, and hurries over to Sasha to whine about not being good enough. He asks her to trust him, because we haven't had a good awkward trust moment since Emily did a trust fall into her coach's arms last season. Princess Inappropriate again clings onto her coach for dear life.

Kaylie is taking her turn in front of the cameras, being all charming and speaking fluent Spanish with the reporters. She talks about how her choice for team captain would be Kelly Parker, as she's had the most international experience.

While wearing what appears to be her micraphone pack under her leotard, all Kelly Parker hears is "Kelly Parker," so she runs over to the NGO asshole to translate. She seems stunned to know that Kaylie is so classy, and not a huge crazy bitch like the rest of these hormonal teens.

After her interview, Kaylie is at home with her dad, while they speak to the reps from Healthy Bar about her potential endorsement. They offer her 250k, which could lead to more if she medals at Worlds. Kaylie and dad seem happy, until the reps pull out the Healthy Bar box, which looks like a box of tampons.

The reps go on about how Kaylie would be the perfect face for the product, since she is so super healthy, and there is NO way she would ever starve herself to reach her goals. After their pitch, the reps escort themselves out, while Kaylie and her dad blame the sport of gymnastics for every issue in the world. They rationalize that if anyone knew about her disorder, that she would be low-balled at Worlds. So best to lie about it for a bit longer.

Over at Denver Elite, Peggy Hill and adult baby Kelly Parker are meeting with *gasp* that hoe Ellen Beals.

Peggy Hill is under the impression that Kaylie is stealing the endorsements that rightly belong to Kelly Parker, so she tattles to Beals about the eating disorder, as if she didn't already know. They pretend that they're worried about Kaylie's ED sullying the good name of all American athletes, or some such shit. They needn't pretend, however, because all Ellen Beals cares about is destroying her nemesis, Sasha Belov. She's salty because everyone is blaming her for the edited video of Sasha and Payson. She tells the Parkers to remain cool, and that she'll see them at the Tanners' send off party tonight. Nevermind that none of them were invited.

While those evil bitches are plotting everyone's demise, Kaylie and Austin are at Bruce's Juice, discussing Kaylie's potential endorsement. You can already tell that she wants nothing to do with it, because she doesn't want to lie to a boatload of people. They are interrupted by Payson and the New Guy. Payson is all grumpy because her parents can't afford to go to the biggest meet of her life. She bemoans the loss of all of the potential endorsements she had before she broke her back at Nationals. Aha!! Kaylie has a brilliant plan.

Since Payson is the Comeback Kid and all, then why shouldn't SHE be the spokesperson for Healthy Tampons? That, and she doesn't have an eating disorder or anything. Payson appreciates the help, but she knows her parents won't let her accept any endorsements, lest she lose her NCAA eligibility. Kaylie reminds her that this deal could be worth 500k, which would pay for college. Creepy smiles all around!

The New Guy tells her to convince her parents, and let him worry about about convincing the Healthy Bar reps.

The next day, the New Guy is at the Rock, taking pictures of Payson for his pitch to the ad reps. Lauren is obviously bitter about this attention, and tells the New Guy as much. Payson runs awkwardly into her double full.

She finishes with a very intense lunge. Lauren is not impressed.

She then hops around to salute to the New Guy and the camera, which is oddly reminiscent of current Russian vaulting.

The New Guy walks away, so Lauren takes the opportunity to tell Payson to back the fuck off. Payson tells Lauren that she knows the two of them aren't boning, because the New Guy told her so.

Lauren has a stroke, which paralyzes half of her face, and asks Payson why the hell would he tell her shit like that? She explains it's probably because he wants to make sure Payson knows that Lauren is way more into it than he is. She struts off, and Lauren makes grunty pouty faces.

Over on vault, we see Kaylie bust ass down the runway into her slow-mo whoosh-whoosh Amanar vault that she learned in two days. She sticks it, but only manages to travel about four inches away from the table.

Kelly Parker makes some small talk about the vault to Kaylie, before asking if she really meant it when Kaylie told the reporter that Kelly should be team captain. Kaylie admits that she meant it, which Kelly has a hard time accepting, because the only people in her life are insane, evil bitches. Kaylie invites the adult baby to be her +1 for Lauren's party that night, so that the rest of the girls can see that she's a totally normal girl.

After their workout, Kaylie heads home with the New Guy, so that they can pitch Payson so the Healthy Bar Tampon reps. The New Guy shows them his demo, which features the shots he took of Payson, and a few more of her recovery from her injury.

I appreciate this leap, but it's weird. It has zero value in gymnastics. But the reps don't care. After Payson slowly enters the room dressed as Laura Ingalls, no one says anything, while everyone just smiles creepily. Turns out it worked, because next thing we see is Payson telling her parents that the reps are offering her 25k to be the face of Healthy Bar Tampons. They'll give her an additional 250k if she medals at Worlds, which is a fraction of what Kaylie was offered, but who cares because that's some decent bank. Her parents clearly don't think she'll medal at Worlds, because they don't want her to accept this endorsement at all. She begs them to just keep an open mind, or else she'll throw a fit and quit gymnastics. They agree to consider it.

Wrapping up at the Rock, Sasha is in the office, looking at the edited DVD that almost ruined his life. Speaking of life-ruiners, Summer comes in and tries to make small talk. In a total surprise, Summer gets all confrontational and bitchy about something. Because there cannot be a Summer scene without it, the two have a discussion about her values. Which is exactly why she could never be with Sasha, because he doesn't agree with her VALUES. He respects them, but does not agree with them.

Bitch, there is a difference between beliefs and values. So he doesn't believe the exact same shit you believe?! I guess that makes him a bad person, and unworthy of your love. Fine, good riddance. For whatever reason, he still gets close to her, and they almost kiss. Gross.

Next, we find ourselves inside of Kelly Parker's weird ass tour bus. Aside from the mirrored ceilings, the walls are covered in pictures of various real life National team members, and then super creepy shots of Kelly Parker herself.

That one in the middle creeps me out so bad. In the creepy gymnastics shrine, Peggy Hill warns Kelly Parker not to get too comfortable with her new "friends" at this party. She still needs to focus on bringing down Kaylie, who is her competition. Kelly Parker makes the mistake of arguing to Peggy Hill that Kaylie is also her teammate. Peggy Hill lays on this glorious guilt trip, blaming Kelly for her parents' divorce, and everything else wrong in the world.

As a result, Kelly Parker finally gives in, and tells her mom about the journal she stole from Kaylie. Peggy Hill is THRILLED. She immediately assumes that Kelly is now the Healthy Bar Tampon spokesperson, all because of this journal. She then tells her daughter that she is so pretty, which would be nice, but then she takes credit for that too.

That night, Payson and her folks show up to the Tanners' send off party. Her parents race to the buffet, probably because they are so very poor and need to eat. Lauren and Payson are shocked when Kaylie shows up with Kelly Parker in tow. Kaylie explains to them that they are all teammates, so shut up and give her a tour. Lauren grudgingly does so. Austin shows up, and creates this wonderful little awkward moment between the three of them, where he and Payson are kind of dancing around Kaylie.

For what it's worth, this episode has had several witty moments and one-liners. I'll take it. Payson understands her cue to leave, and joins her parents over at the buffet. The New Guy shows up and looks for Payson, but is dragged upstairs by that slut Lauren before he gets a chance to find her. She brings him up to her "meditation room," which just so happens to have a bed and a bunch of lit candles. They immediately go at it.

Downstairs, Daddy has a talk with that judgmental bitch, Summer, about getting married in Rio. I do like her hair though. I need to learn how to do that with my hair. She says yes, and before we know it, we're back in the meditation room, watching these two horny teens make out. The camera pans up Lauren's leg, which is just about the creepiest thing I have seen all day, second only to that whack-ass picture of Kelly Parker on the tour bus.

The New Guy pushes Lauren away, telling her that he's not ready to bone yet. Lauren points out that he is, ahem, physically ready, if you know what I mean. Then she flips out about Payson, and tells him to stop fucking with her head. Fair enough. She storms out of the room.

Downstairs, Payson's parents stuff their faces with free food, and further discuss accepting the Healthy Bar Tampon endorsement money. Papa Cruz shows up, and reminds them that they gambled on their daughter's future the minute they decided to let her pursue elite level gymnastics. That shut them up real quick.

Ellen Beals shows up to crash the party, which sends everyone in a tizzy. Lauren freaks out to Daddy, because she knows that Ellen has the capability to tell everyone that she was the one who edited the Sasha-Payson video and sent it to the NGO. He tells her to calm the fuck down, and to go mingle.

Summer sprints full blast over to Sasha to warn him that Ellen Beals is at the party. He, like Daddy, doesn't give a shit, and tells Summer that the only thing he cares about is finding a drink. Drinking is probably against her "values," so she stands there looking all butthurt and offended.

After talking to her parents, Payson pulls the New Guy into a room to tell him that her parents made a decision about the Healthy Bar Tampon endorsement. After fooling him, she gleefully tells him that they're going to let her take the money! Hooray. In her happiness, she tells the New Guy that she loves him, and that since he did something for her, she can totally be his girlfriend now. Looking seriously confused, he doesn't immediately pounce on her, which Payson accepts as his turning her down. She runs away in tears.

Lauren is pacing the party floor, looking for the New Guy. Austin devilishly tells her that the New Guy went off with Payson, which provokes another series of grunty, pouty faces.

Meanwhile, poor Kelly Parker has been standing by herself over by the wall for like five hours now. She waves to Ellen Beals, and heads over in her direction. She walks in super slow motion while clutching her purse, which carries Kaylie's journal. But instead of heading over to talk to Ellen Beals, Kelly Parker approaches Kaylie instead. She asks if the two of them can go outside to talk.

Daddy makes one of those big speeches that he loves to make, and tells the crowd that he and Summer will be tying the knot in Rio, and that they are all invited. Lauren jumps on this moment, and tells everyone that after the wedding, Summer will become her new mommy, which is totally necessary for this 17 year old. Sasha hears all of this, and storms out.

Outside, Kelly Parker tells Kaylie that it means a lot that she was invited to this party. Kaylie tells her it's all cool, because they are teammates and friends, even. Overcome with guilt, Kelly Parker gives Kaylie her stolen journal back. She admits to taking it because it had all of the juicy anorexia details.

I just want to interrupt to say how much I liked this moment, especially with Kelly Parker. The way she almost smiled, while tearing up and saying "because it's all about your being anorexic" with guilty shame in her eyes, that's some classy shit right there. That kind of subtlety, in my opinion, is so much more effective than the fake break-down tears that we normally see in this show. Then, as Kaylie chews her ass out, we see her continue to fight tears, instead of just bawling her face off, ala Lauren. I don't even know what else to say about it, other than her reaction was the most realistic one of anyone on this whole show thus far. I say replace that bitch Emily with Kelly Parker full time, stat.

Back inside, we see the New Guy drowning his sorrows with some of Daddy Tanner's 20 year old scotch, which he still manages to swig like it's a fucking silver bullet. Austin finds him, and asks him what's up. The New Guy explains that he just turned down two hot blondes who were throwing themselves all over him. So why did he say no to both? Austin grabs his hand to pull him off of the couch, and as he stands up, the New Guy lays a big wet one on him.

SCANDAL! After my initial shock, I waited for Summer to storm into the room, her traditional values warning system in full alert mode. But alas, she never showed. Austin, however, is reasonably shocked.

Back on the dance floor, Ellen Beals approaches Summer, which is probably why Summer couldn't make it into the room to judge the New Guy. Ellen tells Summer to ask her fiance who edited the Sasha-Payson video. Cue the really high eyebrows from Summer.

Back in the room, Austin is desperately trying to figure out his buddy. The New Guy explains that he is bisexual, which Austin has a hard time understanding, but he eventually accepts it. The New Guy is stressing, because he knows that Payson will freak if she finds out that he's also attracted to boys. Austin tries to calm him down, and offers to get him out of there.

But first, we need to see the brewing argument between judgmental bitch Summer and Daddy Tanner. He finally admits that he knows who sent the video. She has a meltdown, because Daddy promised never to lie to her about something that she has nothing to do with (see Lauren's mom backstory) ever again.

Could you lie to that face? Summer demands to know who did this, and Lauren enters the scene in full out bawling mode, and admits that she was the one who sent the video.

They really shouldn't have aired this scene after Kelly Parker's. It just makes Lauren seem extra inadequate. You don't feel sorry for her, you just think that she's pathetic. Summer agrees, and appears to be disgusting by the girl who is do desperate to have a new mother.

Now there's a judgmental face if I've ever seen one. She asks Lauren if she has any awareness at all about how much pain she has caused. Which, duh, of course she doesn't. Why would she? She has done terrible shit for two years now, and has never once been punished. So, in an empty threat, Summer breaks it off with Steve, and tells Lauren that she wants nothing to do with her. But never fear, Daddy will fix this. I'm sure that in a day or two, Summer will be back in Lauren's manipulative arms.

The New Guy happens upon Lauren in her messed up state, so Lauren asks him to leave with her. Since he's piss drunk, he agrees to it.

They drive away, and Lauren rants crazy about her mother forgiving her. The New Guy is confused, since as far as he knew, her mom was dead. When he asks her about it, she plays dumb, like she never had a mother before. In her deranged state, she blows a stop sign, and then stops in the middle of the intersection. Good idea.

They are of course smashed into by a huge car.

Part Two tomorrow! There is just too much goodness to deal with in one day, so the rest will have to wait. Until tomorrow, may your smiles be creepy, and your faces be grunty!

this is really confusing because this is a chicken's house.

2011-05-23T19:27:00.001-05:00

Another week has passed, which means another hour spent watching three young actresses struggle mightily to pretend to be real gymnasts.

I feel as though I've seen the competition version of Lauren's leotard before. Oh wait, I have.

Inneresting. But let's get to the good stuff.

We join Kaylie and Googly-Eyed Therapist mid-session. In the first of many shots that focus on various extremities, we see Kaylie anxiously wringing her hands. Aside from being nervous about returning to the Rock, she confides in Googly that she feels as though Emily's being a huge brat and getting knocked up was somehow her fault. He tells her that Emily's being a teenage dirtbag has nothing to do with her, and that she needs to focus on herself. Would you disagree with this face?

It's Press Day (again?) at the Rock, and Lauren and Payson are soaking it all in. Sasha is the man in charge, so the Rock girls have it made in the shade. Payson tries to preach about being a team, but Lauren is distracted by the New Guy (Max? I guess that's his name) so she blows Pay off and trots slowly over to the New Guy and the chunky male extra.

Austin, who apparently is back from his 3 episode vacation or whatever, marches up to Payson, and asks if Emily is really knocked up. She tells him to forget about that dumb bitch Emily, and to focus on Kaylie's return. She reminds him that Kaylie will need everyone's support, which naturally means Austin will in no way support her return.

Upon her entrance, Payson and Lauren stop staring at the New Guy for five seconds so that they can run over to Kaylie and welcome her home.

The girls celebrate Kaylie's return for exactly one second, before Lauren busts out some pink invitations for Summer's surprise wedding shower. She hands each girl the wrong invitation, as they swap envelopes for whatever reason. Both girls are kind of surprised, as they both still thought Sasha might have returned to boning Summer now that he's back in town.

Speaking of really forced sexual tension, Summer runs up to Sasha's office, and makes a bonehead of herself rambling on about needing him, I mean the girls needing him, and being so very happy for the girls/herself that he's back at the Rock. No offense to Candace, but how is it possible that she was capable of showing more sexual tension when she played teenage DJ Tanner than she is now? She reminds me of when my dad tries to be hip and cool. It just doesn't work.

Arriving fashionably late is that scag Kelly Parker, and her newest little cohort. We'll call her Junior. Why? Because she's supposedly only 14, which we all know would make you a junior in elite competition. At the Rock, however, I suppose it means you are eligible for the World team.

Kelly Parker always reminds me of one of those adult babies. Princess Leia buns, sticky buns, devil horns, whatever you want to call them only look cute in two instances: actually being Princess Leia, and being a baby. The fact that Kelly Parker makes sexually suggestive comments all day long, and then prances around in little girl hair really creeps me out. Additionally, I know for a fact that this hairstyle hurts like hell, and is not conducive to tumbling or gymnastics. How do I know this, you ask? Because I was an idiot and wore my hair like this for some time, and I regret every minute of it. All the same, it is really hard to take someone who looks like Minnie Mouse seriously as the villain of a TV show.

Adult baby Kelly Parker immediately marches over to the Rock girls to start some trouble. She asks Kaylie how rehab was... on her ACL tear. Ooh, a coverup. Scandalous. Lauren tries to shut her down by reminding her that she's not even on the World team, but Sasha chooses that exact moment to announce that Emily's replacement will be none other than Kelly Parker. He also announces that current National Champion Kaylie Cruz however, will not be making the team this year. Cue sad Kaylie face and some dramatic music.

Sasha does Kaylie a favor, and continues this embarrassing announcement away from the reporters. He tells her that she is not ready to compete, and doing so might jeopardize her chances at being chosen for the Olympics. Wait, so how does this whole making-the-team thing even work? They have trials, and those girls instantly make the team. But as the National Team/World Team coach, Sasha can just choose whoever he wants from wherever to make the training squad? Whatever.

Kelly Parker tries to sway Sasha into making her team captain, and into choosing Junior as the remaining team member. He tells her to shut her face, but the adult baby takes a lesson from the Lauren Book of Manipulating Adults and reminds Sasha about Emily getting prego. I am going to be super pissed if Sasha becomes yet another adult on the list of those easily manipulated by snotty teens.

Over by the parellel bars, we see New Guy spotting Austin, since there seem to be no real coaches or spotters at the Rock.

Mmmmmm, arm muscles. Mommy likey. But alas, my fantasy is quickly ruined when we see a nice shot of the New Guy feeling up Austin. And by ruined I mean fueled. I'm on the fence.

The boys take a break from groping each other so that they can stare at Payson's butt shelf on beam.

Sasha calls a quick meeting, and informs the girls that he will be choosing an additional two girls to participate in the training squad, and from there he will choose the remaining team member. He then gives the girls a list of compulsories (!!!!!!) that the girls are to learn as part of their selection. Obviously, as a gymnastics fan, I am obligated to love and adore compulsories, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tiny bit excited by this. But of course, the show completely steamrolled my excitement by clearly not knowing what compulsory skills are.

According to Sasha, Kaylie is too stupid to even participate in the workout for compulsories, so she stomps out of the gym. Meanwhile, Lauren bitches about having to do some conditioning. Kelly Parker immediately chimes in, crediting Carter (he who dated Kaylie, stuck it in Lauren, and who is now boning Kelly Parker) for helping her keep up her endurance and flexibility. Now, this normally would have made me laugh, because it should be funny, but coming from the adult baby, it is just plain creepy. She then "warms up" for her "compulsories" by tumbling a piked double back and a 2.5.

Kaylie is, where else, at the BENCH. I wonder if this bench gets paid royalties.

Austin finds her at the dramatic conversation bench, and listens to her whine about potentially missing the Olympics.

Inside the gym, Lauren gets all freaky with Summer about planning the wedding. Girl, get some friends your own age, yikes. Summer tries to tell Lauren that she wants to take things slow, but of course Lauren flips out, and wants to know where "her" ring is.

Summer also tells her that she under no circumstances wants a bridal shower, which of course Lauren promptly ignores. That just makes her want to plan the shower even HARDER. In fact, she decides to bump up the date by a week.

At Casa de Cruz, Demon is in the recording studio, completely ignoring his familial duties with Emily. As would I. But Kaylie's not cool with it, and asks him WTF?

He gives the short story, which is Emily came over, raved crazy about being teen parents, went home to pack, and then never came back. Kaylie lets him know that Emily peaced out to Vegas to stay with her Godmother. Well fuck, now Demon is obligated to go find her, instead of pretending he doesn't know any better.

Over by what appears to be the conservatory, Payson is taking a jog through the park. It also kind of looks like that one park by the lake over by Coldwater. Hard to say. Regardless, it ain't in Boulder. Nevertheless, the New Guy shows up to jog with her. She more or less ignores him, only taking off her headphones to tell him to fuck off, and go be with Lauren if that's what he wants.

In her itty bitty leotard, Lauren is taking a run up to vault.

Rag on her as I might, she seems to be the only one who knows how to actually sprint in real life. Good for her. She/her double does a perfectly acceptable FTY, which pleases Sasha greatly. He lets Lauren know that he might have a new, gold medal winning vault in store for her. Whatever will it be? A DTY, perhaps??

Kaylie is trying to participate in the workout, and does a very daring back handspring on beam. She's all proud, until Sasha barks at her to get down, IMMEDIATELY. Is that what I sound like when my cats are on the counter? Payson comes to Kaylie's defense, but Sasha reminds her that they're all of bunch of punk ass teens who make terrible decisions.

Up in the office, Payson's mom lets Summer know that everyone knows she's engaged. She then ruins the surprise by telling Summer about Lauren's plans for the shower. The hell? What a bitchy thing to do.

Sigh, next we have our one and only scene with the talented and beautiful Bitchface Chloe.

It's almost depressing to see her, because I already miss her so much. Too bad stupid Demon has to be in the scene too. He comes over, and is immediately defensive and rude to Bitchface Chloe. I can see why he and Emily were together. We FINALLY learn the ages of these young jerks! Turns out Demon is 19, and Emily is 17. So, what's the legality of this? Is Colorado one of those states where it's ok for one partner to be over 18, as long as the other is within two years, or something messed up like that? All the same, Bitchface is totally right, in that a 19 year old, and really, the 17 year old too, should know better and use a rubber when boning. Demon continues to be a total ass by focusing on HIS dreams, as if he was ever going to make something of himself anyway. I mean, who knows, maybe he would, but he's too caught up in getting busy with every underage athlete that passes his way.

Back at the Rock, Junior is working on her jaegers. She keeps belly flopping, which causes Kelly Parker to have an adult baby meltdown. Since she has nothing better to do, Kaylie comes over and helps Junior by offering to spot her. WHERE ARE THE COACHES?? Of course, under Kaylie's tutelage and spotting, Junior gets her release immediately. Payson has beef with this, since she believes Kaylie is just helping fill her now-vacant team spot.

Props must be given to the actress who plays Junior, as she can do a proper pullover. This makes her the best gymnast on the show.

Ugh, Demon and his shit-brown jacket and stupid hipster boots show up at the Rock.

Is he trying to look like Captain Jack Sparrow? Kaylie walks with him outside, where they have this really corny, contrived moment where they talk about each other being so great, and tell each other to reach for the stars! All that crap. Oh, he also immediately came around, completely changed his mind, and is going out to Vegas to be with Emily and live happily ever after. I'm sure all baby daddies are as easily convinced. Before he goes though, Demon gets socked in the stomach/balls by Austin.

Mmmmm, testosterone. Even though it's super fakey, and he's pretty much just hugging Demon in this picture, I still appreciate a man punching another man. Demon is a total wiener though, and doesn't fight back. He just says bye to Kaylie, and takes off. Good riddance. Kaylie yells at Austin, and tells him that she's not his sister, and that she deserves a chance. She then marches into the gym, and tells Payson that she is ready to fight. Not punch, unfortunately, but fight for her spot on the team.

At Moose-Moose, the girls are having some juice, and discussing Sasha's compulsories. Payson devises a brilliant plan, where the girls break into the gym at night so that Kaylie can work out. Hasn't this been a plot line already? I feel like coming to the gym after-hours has been a common theme. On the way out, Lauren sees a picture on the wall, that just happens to be a photo of Payson at the gym. Who took such a lovely shot? Turns out it was the New Guy. Payson sees it, and is all embarrassed. Lauren doesn't seem to understand what this means, and just stares on like a crazy bitch.

The girls run into the gym, insurance policies be damned, and begin their workout. They do some conditioning circuits, and run some sprints on the runway. Kaylie works on some BHS LOSOs on the gigantic Big Betty beam, underneath what appears to be the camera crane. Oops.

The montage shows Kaylie slowly getting better and better. Some of the stuff is pretty good, by Make It or Break It standards. Other stuff shows Kaylie landing her passes like this.

Um, no wonder you fell. It's really hard to stick a skill when you're looking at the ceiling. We get snippits of Lauren on beam, and Payson on UB, which seems to have a camera attached to it. I suppose one could believe that the girls have it there for training purposes, but given the earlier crane incident, I'm going to go ahead and say that this is another editing gaffe.

Kaylie finally wraps up her training session after she is able to stick her LOSO all Galieva-styley.

The girls finish the night by shoving their feet in an ice bucket in the middle of the gym.

The next day, the New Guy catches up with Payson, and asks if she'd seen her picture at the Faboose Juice yet. She lies, and said she hadn't. Lauren saunters up immediately, and tells the New Guy that Payson had in fact seen the picture. I can't tell if Lauren is supposed to be bitchy, crazy, or stupid. Like, does she get that he likes Payson, so that's why she keeps going after him? Or is she supposed be genuinely stupid? This is unclear to me.

Kaylie and Payson whine about being sore, when Austin comes over and tells Kaylie that he does believe in her, and that he supports her comeback. He understands that she's not his sister, which is good, because that would be creepy since they're about to hook up and all. Payson chimes in, inappropriately perhaps, suggesting that Austin come to their secret workout that night so that they could have some extra spotters. What, is Payson not going to spot? Or maybe Kaylie can spot herself.

Uh oh, turns out Junior was eavesdropping all along. She kind of looks like Mustafina, doesn't she? But so help me, if Musty ever showed up in adult baby hair, I would despise Mother Russia more than I already do. Junior immediately tells Kelly Parker, who in turn immediately tells Sasha about the secret midnight rendezvous.

During that night's secret training, Payson, Lauren, Austin and the New Guy are all watching Kaylie on beam. They walk her through her "compulsory" skills, which are more or less exactly what all the other girls do all of the time. She does her BHS LOSO, then a decent split leap. They tell her to do a punch front, but really she does one of those Izbasa kickovers. She ends with a whoosh-whoosh double full. Which is the same dismount everyone always does.

As expected, Sasha shows up to this little workout. They try to explain to him, seemingly for like the billionth time, that Kaylie earned her spot at Worlds, and should at least be able to show Sasha her routines. He says no, but then the boys block him on the way out. For whatever reason, this convinces Sasha to give Kaylie a shot. But only on ONE apparatus. She chooses the bars.

Payson tries to pump Kaylie up by telling her to trust herself, and know who she is. Know who you are?? Did Nastia win in Beijing because she "knew who she was?" No. Lauren and Payson anxiously hold hands, while we listen to a clock ticking. Kaylie mounts the bars, and jumps to the HB. She kips to handstand, and then stays in the handstand for ONE BILLION seconds. They cut between shots of Kaylie in this eternal handstand, and shots of the girls holding hands and making worry faces.

Kaylie FINALLY gets on with the routine, which the girls act out with her. As Kaylie does her toe-on transition to the HB, Lauren tries to grab the bar with her.

Kaylie does a perfectly nice routine, and a NCAA worthy double layout dismount. Everyone cheers. Even Sasha is impressed. But not enough to take her to Worlds. If anything, this stunt proves to him that Kaylie is as mental as ever, and not ready to compete with the team.

Back at home, Payson has a lovely little chat with her mother. Her mom has to convince her that just because she likes a boy doesn't mean that she'll be stupid and get knocked up right away. Like Emily Kmetko/Tatiana Nabieva.

Lauren is also at home, paging through the only bridal magazine I have ever seen that has a plus-size model on its cover.

Summer comes in, and tries once again to tell Lauren to take it slow. Lauren, using her manipulative spidey-senses, figures this is the right time for a little adult manipulation, so she asks Summer if she wants to legally adopt her. Isn't she supposed to be like seventeen? What, is she going to be your legal mother for another six months? What a fucking weirdo.

Somehow, Kaylie got Sasha to come see the Googly-Eyed therapist for some one-on-one time. Googly counsels Sasha, telling him that he regrets not knowing about Kaylie's illness before it became a problem. Sasha is too macho for this bullshit, and takes off.

The girls are at the gym, where Kelly Parker announces her plans to be elected World team captain, since the majority of the girls on the squad will be from her gym. So let me get this straight. Half of the girls are from the Rock, and the other half are from Denver? Is Colorado the only state that has gymnasts? I mean, really, what are the odds?

Sasha calls the girls over to announce the training squad. The additional two girls are Junior, some random extra.... and Kaylie! Oooh, Kelly Parker's PISSED.

Sasha pulls a Martha, changes the rules last second, and invites whoever he wants.

Out in the parking lot, Payson chats with the New Guy. He tells her that he's interested in her, and not Lauren. Payson's cool with that and all, but she's here for the gymnastics, not to get her mack on with some guy. (Do the kids still call it macking?) So the New Guy walks to the other side of the car, and makes out with Lauren instead.

Inside the gym, Summer is closing up shop, when she happens upon a shirtless Sasha.

HOWDY DO MR. SASHA. Yowza. Summer likes it too, but like a little bitch chooses that moment to tell the him that she's marrying Daddy Tanner. Sasha pretends like it doesn't bother him, and that in turn bothers Summer. So she leaves, knowing that she'll come home to her surprise bridal shower.

She puts on her ring, and her fake smile, and heads home. Of course, the stupid bitch Lauren has a pink party waiting for her, so Summer just sucks it up and pretends to be happy.

RELATIVE to past episodes, this wasn't that horrible. Is that because there was no Emily? Possibly. And while I am still thrilled about her absence, I am torn without enough Bitchface Chloe. She needs to get together with Sasha. Now THAT would be a show!

Until next week, friends. May your beams be fat, and your handstands lengthy!

honey badger i am lactating with rage!

2011-05-18T19:50:00.001-05:00

Has it already been another week? It has, which means only one thing. It's recap time, motherfuckers.

We start our week out at the park that looks like the one over on Coldwater Canyon. Payson and the New Guy are going for a jog, you know, since they're such good pals now and all. Payson tries to out-jock him in a race, but really, she just cheats and takes a shortcut to the ~~bench~~ picnic tables.

The duo is joined by a roughed up young mut, who they obviously fall in love with immediately. This is exactly like the Brady Bunch. When all else fails, add a really cute dog to the mix.

Without any tags or ID chips, the couple takes it upon themselves to figure out where this cute little monster came from.

At the Rock, Payson's mom rolls up to see this huge tour bus parked smack in the middle of the parking lot. A tour bus that happens to be the office/home to Kelly Parker, and her mom/manager, heretofore referred to as Peggy Hill.

AS IF. Mary Lou never even had her own tour bus. Have you seen the behind-the-scenes photos of the Mag 7 during their tour? They were practically sleeping on top of each other. Vanessa Ferarri was world champion. Does she have her own bus?

Peggy Hill is busy hanging huge banners announcing the presence of her bratty daughter, former world champion Kelly Parker. Payson's mom just about has a stroke, because everyone knows SHE runs this gym. Not this new Peggy Hill bitch. She runs to go tattle to Sasha, but he's actually totally cool with it. He mumbles something about a left hook, or some such boxing reference.

Wait, is Peggy Hill Jewish? Which means Kelly Parker is chosen??? Well, now she has to win Worlds. I knew I liked her.

Payson and the New Guy try to figure out what to do about their new puppy. They know better than to bring him into the gym, or else Sasha will flip his shit. I'm pretty sure that dog will end up in that gym before the day is done.

Inside the gym, Kelly Parker is trying valiantly to get some cat leaps around. Such a good try, honey. Really... A+ for effort.

While Kelly Parker is actually working out, Kaylie and Lauren just stand around shit-talking her. That is, until she takes a break from her splendid cat leaps, so that she can come over and psych out the girls. She reminds Lauren that a new slut is in town, and that she's been getting with Carter on the regular. Lauren doesn't give a shit, because she's with the New Guy now. Officially.

Given this little proclamation, she feels pretty stupid when the New Guy and Payson enter the room, in the midst of canoodling. In real life, they're just discussing more cute dog stuff, but it sure looks like they're being all lovey dovey.

Sasha calls his bitches over to the mat. There, he tells them that only after a mock meet will he choose the final competitor for Worlds. So I'm guessing this is the Make It or Break It version of death camp? Maybe Junior will break her leg on an illusion. We'll just have to wait and see. Until then, she and Kelly Parker give each other a really weak high five. Here's a hint ladies: stare at the elbows. You'll connect hands every time.

The Rock girls lament the chances of Junior being named to the team. Probably because she's under-aged, which would lead to the US federation getting sanctioned and then probably banned from the Olympics, ala North Korea. But also because Kelly Parker would be named captain, and we just can't have that!

Speaking of Kelly Parker (I can't call her KP, because that's what we called Kitchen Patrol at camp, and it reminds me of doing dirty dishes,) she's in the viewing room with Peggy Hill, shit-talking Kaylie. Peggy Hill is worried about Kaylie's presence on the team, because with her astounding beauty, charm, and talent, she simply outshines the ratty, plain Kelly Parker. They're both worried that Kaylie will snag all of the lucrative endorsements, leaving precious little for Kelly Parker and Peggy Hill.

Kelly Parker tries to convince her mother that since Kaylie just the other day came back from a 6 week "ACL tear," that there's no way she'll be ready in time to compete all around at death camp. Peggy Hill doesn't give a shit, because she's not stupid and knows that if given the chance, Sasha will pick one of his own girls. She wisely points out that Kelly Parker is an old, washed up load, and therefore not exactly marketable anymore. God, I love you, Peggy Hill. She is just DELICIOUS in this role. That's the only way I can describe her.

Meanwhile, Lauren saunters over to the chalk bucket, in order to have a little chat with the New Guy. He asks her what's going on with Payson, and he reminds her that they're just friends. Lauren then takes her nasty, chalked up finger nails, and touches the New Guy's nasty, chalked up fingernails.

GROOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Those of us who have had chalk on our hands know that it feels disgusting to touch anything at all. So the idea, the CONCEPT of touching someone else's hands, both while chalky, in an attempt to be sexy is absolutely horrendous. I can't even handle this.

I missed the rest of the scene, because I had to go wash my hands. But we return to Kaylie, striking a lovely pose on the beam.

Now that's some carriage, if I've ever seen it. Kelly Parker takes it upon herself to talk Kaylie through her routine, which of course means psyching her out. She reminds Kaylie that it will be super hard to get competition-ready on all four events. Good thing she gets to compete on the super jumbo Big Betty beam!

Kaylie wraps up her routine by appearing to land her double full dismount, but it turns out she actually face-planted instead.

Woof. When these girls fall, they fall HARD. Austin comes over, and consoles Kaylie. She explains that she's just stressed, so Austin offers to stay late with her ~~so they can bone~~ so she can get some extra training in. She brushes his offer off, and walks away. Typical.

Payson and the New Guy are yet AGAIN yacking about this stupid dog. I am already bored with the dog. Even though their conversations are strictly dog-related, all Lauren sees is the two of them spending time together, so she sets out to ruin it. In her mind, what will solve her problem is to make Payson question whether or not her dad is having an affair in Minnesota (woot!)

And that solves your problem how, exactly? It doesn't matter, Lauren seems pretty happy with herself.

Over at the world's worst strip club, Bodacious Boulders (why do I have a BB theme song stuck in my head? I made it up myself. It kind of has the same hook as the In Living Color theme song,) we see two of the most covered up strippers I have ever seen. How many strip clubs have their girls wear robes while dancing?

I would ask for my money back. Luckily, there are some weird ass patrons who decide to visit the strip club during the day. So, being the awesome, talented, and pert bartender that she is, Bitchface Chloe delivers some scotch to the miserable daytime patrons. But who would visit such an establishment at like, 4pm on a weekday? Why, it's Payson's dad! Dun dun DUNNNNNN.

He stares at Bitchface Chloe's jugs while she sets down his drink. The two have that awkward "Hey... I know you" sort of recognition moment that I have had one too many times in my lifetime. He races home just in time for dinner after the strip club. What, no buffet? The folks tell Payson to beat it, and to go find her sister. You know, the one who has been missing for like a year. But guess what. I found her. She's over in the movie Bridesmaids, being fucking HILARIOUS! Who knew?! She actually holds her own against my very favorite actress/comedian/person at the moment, one Miss Kristen Wiig. Well done, Becka who we'll probably never see again on this show. Well done.

Payson's parents have a downer conversation, where it's revealed that Payson's dad was let go from his job in Minnesota (woot!) and is looking for a job in Boulder. Which somehow explains why he was at the strip club staring at Bitchface Chloe's jugs in the middle of the day. Seems his potential boss likes to party, and wants his employees to indulge as well. Makes enough sense to me. Payson's mom tries to throw herself a pity party because she's married to an unemployed yokel, but he informs her that someone has it even harder than they do: Bitchface Chloe. You know, the one who was poor to start with, but supported her horrible slutty daughter in the pursuit of her dream, only to watch her throw it all away by spreading her legs for the first boy who paid her a lick of attention. AND she also supports her handi-capable son who, like the hilarious Becka, has not been seen or heard from in some odd months. Now there's a real woman.

Back at the gym, Austin literally, not figuratively, but literally moseys over to Sasha to ask him if he can stay late to train Kaylie. I've seen that awkward bounce before. It's the walk that guy actors do when they're trying to play "cool and confident." You know, sometimes I can't tell if I really miss my theatre school years, or seriously regret them.

Austin reminds Sasha that he'll have to avoid looking like he's giving Kaylie preferential treatment by giving her the extra attention that she needs. He also tells Sasha that he knows about her anorexia, which apparently makes it all OK, because Sasha agrees to even more late-night training sessions. But he warns the cocky athlete: no surprises.

It's almost bedtime, but that doesn't keep the New Guy from showing up at Payson's door. She meets him outside, so they can talk about the dog some more. I am so bored with this dog plotline, but damned if she's not super cute.

Back at the Rock, Kaylie is working out on FX. She throws a 2.5, and once again face-plants.

Ooh, they've got all of the good extras in the background. Is that Jordan Schweikert with the flexibility bomb on beam? And I'm digging the great handstand in the back there.

Austin tells Kaylie that he cleared it with Sasha, and that he's OK with the two of them training one on one. Kaylie is somehow offended by this, and says a bunch of tasteless stuff about Austin's sister before walking away. Kelly Parker, ever the eavesdropper, takes this opportunity to waltz on over and tell Austin to convince Kaylie to bow out now, before she embarrasses herself. He tells her to shut her face, and go back to shacking up with her little minion, Junior. Bitchfaces all around.

In the parent's viewing room, Lauren is talking Daddy's ear off about the wedding. Why hasn't Summer picked a date yet? Um, maybe because she wants to get naked with Sasha? Just a thought. When who should enter the gym but the LOVELY Bitchface Chloe! Be still my heart. She walks into the office to have a chat with that frigid bitch, Summer.

Being the classy woman that she is, Bitchface Chloe offers to pay off whatever she might owe for Emily's dues. Summer gives her a half-assed "No, that's not necessary," but Bitchface Chloe is a woman of pride, and insists anyway. She knows Summer judges the hell out of her, and tells her so.

Summer says she's so proud of Emily for deciding to keep the baby. But Bitchface Chloe isn't. OH HAIL NO. Here come the pipe bombs.

Bitchface Chloe ignores the death stare, and reiterates that she tried as a mother. She really tried. As she leaves, she tells Summer that her engagement ring is beautiful. Classy classy classy.

Payson and the New Guy discuss going to the park for a run with their new puppy after the gym. Lauren gets a whiff of this, and sets out to invade their plans.

Austin is busy working out his frustrations by rocking back and forth on the pommel horse. Kaylie comes over to apologize, which Austin graciously accepts before telling her that he has a plan. Instead of competing on all four events, Kaylie is just going to specialize on one event. Since Emily's departure left a huge gaping hole in the vault lineup (her 1.5Y will be missed,) it would be wise for Kaylie to focus on stealing that vault spot. But vault is Kaylie's WORST event. Never fear though. I'm sure two days of training will really solve that problem.

Payson and the New Guy are back at it, this time posting Lost and Found signs up for their new puppy. He keeps on harassing her about being friends with benefits, a proposition every girl just LOVES to receive. Because she's not a trashy ho, Payson tells the New Guy that if all he's looking for is a little buttered muffin, then he might as well go try Lauren.

At the gym, Austin is helping Kaylie with her vault. Has she been wearing the same leotard for like three days now? I mean, don't get me wrong, I actually like that leo a lot. But that's pretty disgusting. Maybe it's her lucky leotard, because in one day, she has already upgraded from a FTY to a DTY, which is pretty remarkable. It's good, but not good enough. What she really needs is an Amanar. Which she could totally get with just one additional day of training. This is really going to happen, isn't it?

Meanwhile, Payson and the New Guy are attempting to sneak the dog into the gym, since they have nowhere else for her to stay for the day. The New Guy attempts to bring her upstairs without anyone noticing.

A fool proof plan. At home, Payson's parents talk about money, and other boring stuff. Payson's none the wiser, because she's too busy policing Kaylie's workouts at the Rock. She mentions to Kaylie that she's spent an awful lot of time at vault, as if she wasn't aware. Then she drops that Junior just got a RO-LO-LO mount on beam. Interesting? I guess. All the same, it freaks Kaylie out. Payson walks over to the water cooler, maybe because water bottles are banned at the Rock? I've never been to a gym without bottles scattered everywhere. The New Guy runs up to her, explaining that he had to move the puppy to a new location. All Lauren sees that these two are yet again having an intimate conversation, and she looks pissed. Unfortunately, Kelly Parker also sees this, and rubs it in Lauren's face. She also gives Lauren a very wise piece of advice. Don't put out so soon, ho. That was the gist of it.

Something about this clicks with Lauren, so she approaches the New Guy and pretends that she's not all slutty by challenging him to a game of basketball.

He accepts, right before the puppy, who escaped her cage, runs out into the gym floor. Sasha demands to know who this adorable puppy belongs to, and both Payson and the New Guy claim it as theirs, which sends Lauren into a tizzy. Her line legit made me laugh.

At home, Payson tries to convince her miserable parents to let her keep the dog. They're super worried about money, so they say no, and admonish her for even asking. While she's upset about losing her new dog, the New Guy is meeting up with Lauren at what appears to be an abandoned barn that has been outfitted with spotlights for a little one-on-one basketball. She shows up in this number.

OMG, why don't the shorts match the shirt?? That's going to drive me nuts. Cute shoes though. The New Guy makes some corny joke about being shirts or skins, and while she manages to keep her raging sluttiness in check, Lauren tells him she'll be shirts. So he takes off his.

He should probably just walk around like this for the rest of the show. Turns out, Lauren's actually really good at basketball. Underneath what looks like disco lighting, the two flirt and sweat all over each other while the New Guy misses a phone call from Payson.

At the Rock, Austin is still working with Kaylie on her vault. In what can only be described as Make It or Break It magic, we see Kaylie landing her vault facing one way, and then sitting it down facing a whole other direction.

She keeps at it though, and despite developing some serious Mustafina legs, she gets the vault around. We know this because it appears to have been caught on the security camera? That's my best guess.

Joining in on the "training after hours with no coaches or spotters" trend are adult baby Kelly Parker and real baby Junior.

In this shot you can see not only how much Junior resembles Mustafina, but also how FUCKING HUGE that beam is compared to the real beam.

The following day, we're once again in the parent's veiwing room, where Peggy Hill is again lecturing Kelly Parker about the threat that Kaylie presents to their endorsement opportunities. Kelly Parker tells her mother that Kaylie has spent the last two days doing nothing but attempting Amanar vaults, which when she says it, it DOES sound pretty ridiculous. The two rest assured knowing that Kaylie won't make the team, and Junior will.

The time for the death camp mock meet has come, and first up is Junior. She mounts the gigantic Big Betty beam with a RO-LO-LO, which she sticks easily, because it's a huge ass beam. She then goes into some sort of side aerial-aerial pass, which sounds great in theory, but doesn't really work as a connection in reality. But A for effort.

She follows up with a split leap, where we can really see either a) how skinny she is or b) how BIG THAT FUCKING BEAM IS. She wraps it up with a gainer full off of the end. It is hilarious to see how her foot takes up a mere half of the beam, maybe even like a third.

Because girls like to just jump from event to event at the Rock, next up is the random extra on vault. And what a vault she does! A GINORMOUS RO-1/2 on handspring. That's it. Just a handspring.

That said, she does her handspring with lovely form. Team Russia, take note. Junior is up on bars, and does a jaeger before her full out dismount. Only after the other girls have done several events does Sasha ask Kaylie to do even one. She tells him that she won't be doing bars, beam or floor. Sasha is not amused. But she butters him up by telling him that she decided to take this risk, because it was what Sasha would do. WWSBD? Everyone is pretty confused by this point, especially the girl in the background.

In a massive and lengthy whoosh-whoosh moment, Kaylie spins in the air for an hour, and then lands her Amanar. Perfectly. Jordan Schweikert and random extra are stunned.

But the other girls are thrilled. Hooray!

I would be too, if I had just witnessed someone previously capable of only a FTY miraculously learn an Amanar in two days.

Here come the bitchfaces. Junior is PISSED.

So is Peggy Hill. Adult baby Kelly Parker knows she's in trouble.

It is an impressive bitchface, but it's no Bitchface Chloe bitchface. She's still #1 in my heart.

Sasha again calls his bitches to the mat. Without further ado, he names Kaylie Cruz to the team.

At home, Payson's parents ruin the vibe by discussing their lack of money, and how they're sucking the life out of everything. Saying no to the dog was the last straw. It's time to buckle down, and stop being afraid of life.

Bitchface Puppy.

Back at the Rock, Peggy Hill is having a meltdown over Kaylie making the team. She reveals that Kelly Parker is only 16, which leaves me confused as to how she could have won a world championships previously. Now the US will be sanctioned twice, damnit. The two plot against Kaylie, deciding that outing her anorexia is the only way to deal with her once and for all. Kelly Parker isn't stupid though, and knows that no one is going to take her word for it. Peggy Hill tells her she'd better get some fucking proof then. Or else, sigh, she just might have to drop her as her client. She stomps onto the bus, and either has a driver waiting, or she drove that bitch herself. I prefer the latter.

Kelly Parker runs back to the Rock in tears, but is stopped by Kaylie, who is trying to be genuinely nice and comfort her. She spews some therapy bullshit, blaming the sport for crazy ass gym/stage moms. Dude, it's not the sport that creates these monsters. It's people with unfulfilled dreams who want to live vicariously through their children.

The New Guy stops over by Payson's to say goodbye to the puppy. But PSYCH, Payson gets to keep the puppy after all! I told you, this is just like Tiger in the Brady Bunch. Payson suggests going for a family run, but the New Guy tells her he has a date with Lauren. They have an awkward friends moment, and after he leaves, Payson leans against the wall and sighs. Slutty Lauren wins again.

In an act of kindness, Kaylie invites Kelly Parker over to her house, even asking her to stay for dinner. That seems super nice, but then she makes this totally backhanded dig at Kelly Parker for having no friends. Ouchie. So as Kaylie goes to tell her mother to set another plate at the table, Kelly Parker wanders aimlessly around the room. She happens upon some pictures of the Rock girls, including that bitch Emily, and eventually finds Kaylie's journal. She opens it up to find some freaky Sarah Palin shit, like drawings of Genji Cho in fucking crosshairs. Jesus, girl. Crosshairs??

Perhaps Kaylie also uses this book to practice her handwriting, because it is significantly better than when we saw it the first time. This is what she wrote some odd weeks ago.

And here it is tonight.

Maybe they were supposed to have been written on different days, who knows. All the same, Kelly Parker happens upon this shit, and is all like JACKPOT.

She grabs the book, stuffs it in her gym bag, and sits back down as if nothing happened. End scene.

You know I hate to admit it, but this show really is getting better. I mostly attribute this to having no Emily or Demon. Plus, more Kelly Parker and the addition of Peggy Hill? Now all I need is WAY more Bitchface Chloe, and I'd be set.

I'm starting to have panic attacks, because I realize that next week is the season finale. The show hasn't been picked up for a third season YET, but there is still time. There is still hope. I mean, this is the channel that airs Secret Life of a Teenage Prego, or some such shit. There is absolutely room for this gem. I know we rag on this series a lot, but it's not like we're swimming in gymnastics shows. And the fact of the matter is, there isn't going to be another gymnastics-themed TV series around the corner. Probably not ever. So if this is all we can get, I'll take it. And I'll like it.

Until next weeks super-sized finale, maybe your Amanars be learned swiftly, and your faces be bitchy!

lord tubbington is allowed to eat cheese because he's on atkins.

2011-05-04T21:36:00.008-05:00

Well, this was quite a week on Make It or Break It, was it not? Let us jump right in.

We open with no frills, straight away to Emily getting her ultrasound. At only 6 weeks, apparently she is one of the few women who can get an ultrasound the millisecond she finds out she's pregnant. Most normal women, non-elite athletes, have to wait for weeks like shmoes. But not our hero, the big-bellied Emily Kmetko.

I love how her stomach is already gigantic. Andrea Zuckerman from 90210's hand totally gives it away that Kmetko is actually like a thousand weeks pregnant.

Emily is desperately confused as to how she got knocked up, and Bitchface Chloe is horribly embarrassed by her daughter's stupidity.

Emily claims she, at a totally normal height and weight not just for gymnastics, but for humans, has only had one period in her whole entire life. BULLSHIT. Yes, there are super teeny tiny boylike gymnasts all over the world. Emily is not one of them. I mean, for crying out loud, her jugs are GIGANTIC in this episode! She also appears to be about 25, and has since the pilot, so I really can't imagine that anyone is fooled here. But whatever, all gymnasts are anorexic and 45 lbs and have no periods and are manipulated by their coaches.

The scene is barely rescued by the dear, talented, and beautiful Bitchface Chloe. She busts out one bitchface after another, each one more glorious than the last. Also, she is, thus far, the only one who has the chops to be doing crying scenes in this series.

Maybe it's because I watched this and Glee back to back, but the vast difference in what we'll call the "emotional scenes" are painfully obvious. In MIOBI, there are two emotions: happy, and break-down crying. However, in Glee, there are characters who run the gamut of emotions. You'll see characters on Glee trying NOT to cry, which can be as visual an emotion as crying.

The exception on this show, of course, is the brilliant Bitchface Chloe. This scene is the first of many that she absolutely robs. The show should be about her.

Dr. Andrea Zuckerman gives Emily and Bitchface Chloe some pamphlets on the options, meaning of course, the Big Three: keeping the baby, adoption, or terminating the pregnancy. Summer shockingly does not burst into the room with a pipe bomb. Perhaps later.

At the Rock, some girls are doing kips, and the other more shapely extras are just meandering around.

Sasha walks in, only to see this huge day show production going on, meant to interview the girls on their way to Worlds. Meanwhile, the one real gymnast extra is on beam.

Sasha asks Summer what the fuck is going on, and she plays all stupid, and has no idea why it might be a bad idea. He explains that Emily will not be coming, and again, Summer doesn't seem to understand a word he is saying. Emily breezes in late, as usual, and Sasha looks like he's about to have a stroke.

The diminuative reporter pretty much only interviews Emily, and badgers her about totally choking in Hungary. Emily attempts to act all charming and confident, and fools no one except for patented creepy smile Payson.

As Emily says she'll totes be ready for Worlds, Sasha looks like he's about to take off his shoe and throw it at her.

Meanwhile, Kaylie and Demon are chumming it up in the Cryptkeeper's recording studio. Demon is acting extra creepy, so Kaylie asks him what's up. He informs her that the label loved their duet, and wants them to record it.

Back at the Rock, Sasha calls Emily into the office, chop chop. She literally struts into the office, before turning around to sass Sasha like the punk ass kid that she is.

Sasha asks her what the fuck she's doing, and Emily snottily acts like nothing is happening.

Additionally, the poster seems to have been fixed. Emily doesn't care, because she's too busy blowing off help from the many people who inexplicably want to help this young mess. Even though he's known her since Day 1, Sasha is still for some reason shocked by Emily's disrespectful behavior.

Back at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie and Demon are singing their song AGAIN.

They talk about feelings, blah blah blah, and eventually mention Emily. Kaylie smiles hopefully as she asks if it's really over between the two of them.

But since Demon has realized that Emily is crazy, and that Kaylie is awesome, he's pretty much on Team Kaylie now. She seems to dig it, but at the same time be horrified.

Finishing up at the Rock, Lauren and Daddy sit in the observation room, spying on Summer and Sasha. They don't approve of the way that Summer is brazenly flirting with Sasha, so Lauren suggests that Daddy proposes yet again to Summer, and then does the "put a ring on it" dance.

Ok, so that was kind of cute. The rest of the scene plummets downhill, as Lauren tries to be charming with her determination to manipulate every adult around her. She then stares at Sasha's ass while he stares at Summer's ass.

At home, Bitchface Chloe yet again tries to help out her insufferable daughter. They discuss Emily's "options" while Emily makes shitty little brat faces. They have a realistic discussion about ending the pregnancy, and yet, still no Summer. Also, I'm not sure they actually say the word "abortion" throughout this entire episode. Even still, they handled the topic much more tastefully than I had expected. Especially the wonderful, vivacious Bitchface Chloe. She explains to Emily that different people have different beliefs, and that is that. Emily stomps away like a horrible little child, while Bitchface Chloe leaves us again with her world-class bitchfaces.

A jaunty ditty plays while Summer comes home from a long day of being judgmental at the Rock. (note to self: find out details of that song.) She opens the door to find the house bound by strings, with cute little notes that she feels the need to read out loud, even though she is alone, as far as she knows. She follows the strings, until she winds up at the door to the closet, which she opens only to find this little scene looking back at her.

Daddy gets down on one knee, and proposes while Lauren mouths the words along with him. Not surprisingly, Summer isn't 100% thrilled at the idea. How could you say no to this face?

Summer begs off by telling them she needs to think about it. You know Lauren will bring this up a year from now, after she does something terrible to someone. She'll use the line "You told me you had to THINK about being my mother!"

The following day, Bitchface Chloe and Sasha are at the Rock, watching Emily as she attempts to stretch her enormous body. This is especially obvious in comparison to the one real gymnast on set, who is ass up on beam.

Bitchface Chloe asks Sasha if there is a chance that Emily could come back to elite gymnastics after having the baby, to which Sasha replies with an emphatic no.

Um, hi. Have we not heard of Oksana Chusovitina? If not, you could take a gander at the vaulting results from the Beijing Olympics. Or most of the World/Olympic results for the past twenty years. Not to mention a host of other gymnasts who have returned to elite and NCAA competition after having a child. But I guess you're right, MIOBI. All gymnasts must be itty bitty teeny tiny and period-free forever and ever in order to make it in the sport.

Despite the fact that he's being an idiot, Bitchface Chloe begs Sasha to give Emily some advice. He refuses, probably because he knows Emily is a horrible child who will blow off whatever he has to say anyway. As usual.

At therapy, Kaylie is showing the googly-eyed counselor magic tricks, as she makes her journal jump from her left hand to her right hand between takes.

She also tells him all about how she is becoming an artist, what with the label loving her and all. She realizes that maybe she can do more with her life than just gymnastics. But, she needn't bother, because Googly-Eyes tells her that she may return to the gym whenever she'd like. Despite having thrown fits about her absence for months, Kaylie doesn't look entirely thrilled with the possibility of going back.

Probably because she'd have to compete with this little nugget of awesomesauce. Lauren is at the gym, actually doing gymnastics for a change. She is working on a GINORMOUS pass of a 1.5 through to what is supposed to be a layout, but she keeps trying to twist it into a full. Maybe it's because she keeps switching her lead leg in her roundoff? Let's take a peek.

You'll notice that Lauren is a leftie, and therefore leads with her left leg. Her double, however, is clearly a righty. I know it's kind of hard to see in these pics, but whatever, I can tell.

Dear lord. Like, props for getting skinny, but buy a bigger leotard, woman!

Sasha diagnoses Lauren with a case of the "twisties." Despite her constantly trying to ruin his life, he offers to meet with Lauren before practice every single day until she works this problem out. If she ends up boning him too, I'm going to be pissed.

Up in the office, Payson's mom and Summer have a little girl chat. Summer explains that she should marry Daddy, because she so desperately wants to discipline Lauren. They decide that Summer should see if she still has feelings for Sasha.

Meanwhile, Emily is for some reason spotting Payson on a shaposhnikova, instead of having a real coach do it. Emily marvels at how good Payson is. Maybe it's because she actually comes to the gym and does gymnastics, instead of just wandering around all day. Emily asks if Payson's broken back was just a little road bump on her way to the Olympics, and Payson's all FUCK NO, because she worked her ass off to come back from her injury. Payson tells Emily to jump up on the bars, and Emily's all "Um, no, I don't do gymnastics this season. Remember?"

At just that moment, the NGO asshole waltzes on into the gym, to present Emily with her world team jacket, since she is going to worlds! She responds by waddling slowly out of the building.

Payson finds Emily at MIOBI's favorite spot, the bench. Payson walks like a linebacker over to said bench, and asks Emily what the fuck is going on. Emily tells Payson that she is, in fact, with child. The first time I watched, I was pretty ambo'd, so I wasn't sure what to make of Emily's laughing/crying. But having watched it a few times now, I'm more into it. Lord knows I do that ALL of the time, and every single time it makes my fiance think I'm nuts. I think it's a very realistic response to the situation. Also, even though I HATE her character with a passion fiery and true, Emily does well in this scene. She's no Bitchface Chloe, that's for damn sure, but I must give credit where credit is due.

In response to Emily's admission, Payson starts ripping her a new asshole. Not entirely uncalled for, yet it still wasn't very satisfying. Like, this is your chance to tell this bitch what's what, to call her out for being a huge selfish hag, and dragging you down with her! Take this moment! Payson just beefs it though, and totally caves in when Emily turns shit around, and accuses Payson of being too perfect. They end up in this super awkward embrace, where Payson looks like an old schoolmarm.

Inside of the Rock, Summer and Sasha are having an intimate moment in the office. Sasha ruins it by confiding in Summer that Emily is up the spout. Summer responds with the most insincere surprise ever. Did she already know? Is that why she's feigning such meager shock? She gets over it quickly, and tells Sasha to make sure Emily knows that everyone is there for her and the baby, so that she may continue to walk all over everyone, and piss all of her support away. Sasha tells her that he can't say that, because he doesn't want Emily to have the baby. He wants Emily to make something of herself, and is fully aware that shit won't happen if Emily becomes the oldest looking teen mom ever.

Oh boy. Here comes the pipe bomb. Summer has a meltdown, and gets all judgmental with all of the crap we knew she'd get into a tizzy over. Summer and her super high, archy eyebrows bust into a rage as she tears into Sasha.

Sasha asks her to at least understand where he is coming from. Obviously, she does not. Cannot. And WILL NOT.

This was such a strange moment. Things were fine, if not completely predictable, until that line. The "and I won't!" eyeroll line. That just sounded like a bad character of someone who was so closed-minded. It almost seemed as though the show was making fun of her character, which would be entirely hard to believe since it is a) ABC Family but also b) Candace Cameron Bure's character, who is notorious for being exactly like Summer in real life. I really don't think she'd be cool with a line intending to make her very staunch position a joke. They just wrapped Summer's, and therefore ABC Family's portrayal of religious pro-lifers, beliefs up in a tight little package. She WILL NOT ever be open to understanding a viewpoint that which she does not agree with. And despite being my dad's hippy liberal daughter, even I know better. I know that not every religious person pushes their beliefs on people the way Summer does. I know that not all pro-lifers are completely unwilling and unable to accept another person's point of view. But, this one line in this one episode of this one show tells a lot of people otherwise. It's a real shame.

Since Sasha is once again a heathen destined for hell, Summer leaves the office and the Rock with a quickness. She races over to the Tanner's, and says yes to Daddy. Judgment: the magic all successful marriages are made of.

At Casa de Cruz, Demon and Kaylie are wrapping up the recording of their little duet. They share an illicit kiss, which is great because hopefully it solidifies the end of Emily. But Kaylie puts the kibosh on it, since it's wrong, and she's just such a good friend to Emily. Demon stands in the studio, alone, holding his blue balls.

At home, Emily blames her mother for pregnancy-enduced super smell. Bitchface Chloe jumps through hoops just to get Emily off of her back, and they are civil and hug for one hot minute. That all ends when the NGO asshole shows up, who Bitchface Chloe called in an attempt to get some help with the situation. He does seem genuinely helpful, and thanks Bitchface Chloe for confiding in him. Emily erupts from the bathroom in an insane rage. The NGO asshole tries to calm her down, telling her that other girls on the National team have been in her situation. When he calmly explains the process to her, and like the rest of the episode, never even mentions the word abortion, she has a meltdown.

She freaks out, and says everyone tries to control her. Oh, but not this time. This time, she decides, she has a choice. SHE gets to choose what she does with her own body. Sorry dear, I think you mean old Republican men get to decide what you do with your body. She then insinuates that something was happening between Bitchface Chloe and the NGO asshole, which is something, if you'll recall, that I had wished for some odd weeks back. Both adults claim nothing happened, but I'm not convinced. Neither is Emily. She then decides that Demon is the only person that will understand her, and that he will surely race back into her arms after she blew him off for the billionth time. So she's off to his place.

At the Rock, Lauren is working layout drills with Sasha. She does layouts off of a mini tramp while he sits in a lawn chair eating cereal. That's exactly how it started with Payson, too. Lauren will be all over him shortly. She tries her pass another time, and is successful, even though her wig almost falls off.

Lauren is immediately upset, because yet another person who she was a huge bitch to ended up supporting her in the end.

Emily continues her parade of crazy by showing up at Demon's apartment above the rave. She doesn't wait for an invite in, she just pushes her way into his place, and rants on about dreams, and being happy. Understandably, he's not really buying it. So, in order to expedite the process, Emily just busts out that she's pregnant.

She breathlessly adds to the cray cray by telling him that now they can move in together, get married, have a baby, and she can go on tour with him. Isn't that great?!

No time for a response, because Emily is off to run home and pack her stuff, because she's moving in. Lucky Demon!

In a change of pace, Lauren is the sane one, for now. She is at home, and is about to send the full DVD copy of the Sasha-Payson love story to the NGO, which will clear Sasha's name once and for all. Despite her good deed, and her bedroom being all white and heavenly, we still all know that she is just keeping the brat bottled inside, until it's ready to come out later.

At Casa de Cruz, Kaylie tells the Cryptkeeper that she has something on her mind. They both decide that she needs to be open and honest. This means Kaylie needs to tell Emily about her kiss with Demon. Kaylie shows up at Emily's, and Emily is immediately a little bitch to her. She starts off by fishing for compliments, but Kaylie legit has no clue what Emily's talking about, since she doesn't know about the little bundle of joy yet. Kaylie brushes it off, and instead apologizes to Emily for kissing Demon. Emily says nothing, and Kaylie leaves.

Payson is at home, pouring over the latest gossip mag, which features one of the latest Teen Mom stars. HA! That is totally supposed to be Janelle.

Payson gets all judgmental of Emily, and all teen moms. Payson's mom admonishes her, and tells her she's not being a very good leader. Payson seems to get it, because next thing we know, she and the other Rock girls show up at Emily's door to offer their support.

Problem is, Emily isn't there. She peaced out, taking the bus to Vegas to go stay with her Godmother. Understandably, Bitchface Chloe is PISSED.

She tearfully explains Emily's departure to the girls, and then slams the door in their faces. Only to open it again, and tell them something. I watched this part like 7 times, and I'm still not sure what she says here. At first, I thought she told the girls they could "keep fighting now," which I liked. But upon rewatching, I'm not entirely sure that's what she says. So your guess is as good as mine.

On the bus to Vegas, Emily drives up the 101 past Universal, and stares out the window, reliving some of her more memorable gymnastics moments. Like that one time she competed a layout-layout pass with bent knees.

Payson, Kaylie and Lauren wind up at gymnastics camp, and somehow create a bonfire. They don't have any food, but they have lighters? Sure, why not. They are all corny, and discuss the meaning of a team, and share more feelings, blah blah blah.

The Rock parents are creepily lurking in the woods. Whoa, Payson's dad is back in town? Does she know that?

The parents descend on the creepy bonfire funeral, and inform the girls that Sasha is the new National team coach! Everyone celebrates by eating, and Emily is quickly forgotten.

I was right. They never once said the word abortion in this entire episode. Maybe that's why ABC Family was OK with it? That's also probably why Summer never actually showed up with pipe bombs.

And there we are. Dare I hope that Emily is gone forever? At first I was elated, but then quickly drew terrified, as I realized that no Emily might mean no Bitchface Chloe. And a show without Bitchface Chloe is not a show worth watching at all.

Until next week, my friends, may your leotards fit, and your layouts be twist-free.