Well homies, this is it. Have we not had some fun? Three years of the wackiest, most unrealistic teenage garbage that we ever could have dreamed of. Three years of whining, murder plots, boning ugly dudes, and very little gymnastics training. Three years of me having weekly rage strokes because I have chosen to invest myself in such a cinematic masterpiece. Three years ends
TONIGHT.
We open our last glorious episode with Kaylie marching full blast towards Coach Mac's office, with Princess Payson huffing and puffing in an attempt to keep up. Kaylie is hell bent on telling Coach Mac all about Jordan's past with Coach Molester, as she should. Kaylie knows exactly what she's doing, and is all
"Yeah, it sucks. I wish it wasn't my job to tattle on the fucking sexual predator, but now it is. I'm not about to let other girls get fucking RAPED by an old man. Maybe it'll be messy, and maybe it'll cause some drama, but it's what a good person would do and I'm doing it."
Princess quickly sees this as an opportunity to talk about herself, and reminds Kaylie about that one time Princess kissed Coach Sasha. Jordan's situation is probably the exact same thing.
Kaylie whips around, and is all
"Are you fucking KIDDING me?! You choosing to mack on your coach is not the same as Jordan being an unwilling victim of a child molester."
Princess is all
"Fine, whatever. Let's go tell Coach Mac. But I'm going to pretend that telling him was my idea, and that I didn't just try to stop you from doing it."
Princess and Kaylie sit inside of Coach Mac's office, giving him the lowdown on the whole molestation thing. He reminds them that Jordan will have to admit all of this to the PO-lice, but that they did the right thing. Even Princess Payson, who didn't want to say anything to him in the first place. Princess smugly nods as if that's what she meant to do the whole time.
Back at the dorms, Lauren walks in on Batshit Wendy making Kaylie a Sudafed smoothie. Wendy hides everything, and makes a huge deal about Lauren not drinking the smoothie. It's for Kaylie
ONLY. Kaylie walks in, chugs her drug cocktail, and drags Lauren into another room to fill her in on the molester thing.
Coach Mac pulls Jordan into his office, where she quickly denies everything.
Those eyebrows. Do I hate them, do I love them? I just don't know. She stomps back into the gym and starts beefing all of her "triple back" dismounts.
Woof. Kaylie confronts her about lying about Coach Molester. Jordan explains that no one has ever believed her thus far, so why bother with it now?
Lauren's busy working on the low beam while Sexy Nutritionist monitors her pie chart.
Remember, four pieces of pie is acceptable. Five pieces, and Lauren will need to be hauled off by the EMTs that are never at the gym. Wendy gives her a hard time and then runs off into the arms of the molester.
Coach Mac tells Coach Molester to meet him outside. Once out there, Coach Molester is told that he needs to leave for good. He more or less admits to it, but says that since the NGO hired him, only they have the power to fire him. He tries to step back into the gym but then Coach Mac punches him across his fat face and it's kind of hot.
Back in the dorms, Kaylie and Princess brainstorm how to get Jordan to spill the beans. Princess thinks she's a genius when she theorizes that maybe Jordan wasn't the only one. Hmm, but how to find out who else was victimized, and how to get them to go public and go through the legal process of sending a molester to jail... I know!
SOCIAL MEDIA!
Let me just put out a public bulletin sharing Jordan's deepest most personal secret, and see if other underaged girls will tell me, Princess motherfucking Payson, their deep dark secrets.
Thank God we cut away to Lauren and random wrestler guy, who I've learned is named Jake. It's refreshing to see a relationship on this show that doesn't immediately turn into stalking or boning or obsession. Jake the wrestler guy is all excited because he made his own Olympic team.
He does a cute little dance around Lauren and hands her flowers. Instead of stripping naked and boning him immediately, she informs him that she only bangs gold medal winners. Motivation is key. I find him charming and endearing, and would support a relationship between the two of them. Too bad we'll never see either of them ever again.
Instead of training right before Olympic Trials, Princess Payson drags her hipster boyfriend to some shitty salsa club that has no problem serving minors.
Of course, what better preparation for the Olympics than getting sauced and slutty at the club. She immediately becomes one of those obnoxious girls who does fucking high kicks in a tiny red dress and probably knocks the drinks out of other people's hands.
I'm sure everyone can see her cooter.
This is not unlike the episode where Lauren and ABKP have a Jersey Turnpike-off to see who can be the sluttiest dancer.
It's the middle of the night when the emails start pouring in from other girls who have fallen victim to Coach Molester. Kaylie and Princess make no effort to keep Jordan's personal issues a secret even within their own dorm. They leave the laptop out and wide open for anyone, namely Batshit Wendy to see. And all at once, I mean
ALL AT ONCE, all these girls start emailing with their stories. Did they all wake up at 3am to do so? The chiming from the computer wakes everyone up, so Kaylie and Princess are finally forced to tell Jordan what they did.
Naturally, Jordan's a teeny bit upset about the massive invasion of her privacy. She calms down a little after she learns that she wasn't the only one abused by Coach Molester.
We're treated to a quick and easy montage of Jordan telling the PO-lice and then Coach Molester being hauled off to jail. I'm sure that's the last we'll ever hear about any of that.
Princess Payson is having one of the now-normal after hours workouts at the gym, this time being coached by her stalker boyfriend.
He makes it very clear that he hasn't a fuck's clue about anything that she's doing by telling her that her "double Iranian" was awesome.
Lucky for her Coach Sasha shows up out of nowhere and starts to coach her. Well la-tee-da.
Kaylie and her parents are being pulled into the office at the gym. NGO asshole tells them that Kaylie popped her drug test for pseudoephedrine and is effectively out of trials and thus, the Olympics.
After a short team meeting, Jordan, Lauren and Princess are interrupted by Wendy who bullshits about her stupid Sudafed smoothies.
Lauren's getting upset because she's starting to sense that Wendy is completely batshit. It takes a psychopath to know a psychopath, and Lauren readily admits that Wendy reminds her of herself.
All the same, Lauren has a plan to help Kaylie. It's a brilliant plan, really. Here it is...
OTIS!
Lauren's all pumped to find Otis, but Kaylie's a tad more realistic and is all "
Seriously. You know this is a bunch of bullshit, right?" She runs back to her dorm room, and starts packing her shit. When who should appear but that butt-munch Austin.
Austin apologizes for being a huge asshole, and Kaylie is so fucked at this point that she doesn't even care.
Jordan, Lauren and Princess Payson are meeting with Coach Mac and the NGO asshole in an attempt to clear Kaylie's name.
Jordan puts herself on the line, and threatens that if Kaylie doesn't compete, then she won't compete. Princess is all pissed because this will force her to step up and be a good friend, and we all know how much Princess Payson hates to do that kind of shit.
Do we ever see that bitch
NOT rolling her eyes? I think Jan was outside.
Kaylie gets a text from Coach Mac, and guess what, she gets to compete. Who saw that coming?
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for: the bastardized version of the USATC's Olympic Trials! Held publically for about 30 people who sit on the floor in bleachers, the girls are also performing for a smattering of other Olympic teams, each with their own fancy warmup jacket. To anyone with connections who might be reading: send me one of those jackets.
I WANT.
The girls roll up with Otis in tow, and no one cares. Most of the girls try to march in like a real gymnast would, but Princess Payson ruins it, just like she ruins everything.
Instead of warming up, or even stretching on the sidelines, the girls all chill on another set of bleachers and wait for their turn to compete their one event of the day.
Kaylie is called up to vault, so she leisurely takes her time stripping off her warmups and chatting with the other girls.
Each girl has their own star motif leotard, and I'd be lying if I said they weren't kind of cute. However, Kaylie's is fucking indecent and immoral. Mesh is not a good idea in any situation, but
ESPECIALLY not when it's covering your boob and you're not wearing a bra. Who was in charge of this?! Did she not notice that it was a little breezy, and that her entire boob was on display? No??
Half-dressed Kaylie slowly moseys toward the vault runway, having been called up by the announcer like five minutes prior. She's slowly making her way up there when she's stopped by the classy and dearly missed ABKP.
How cute is she? That's probably why she has a free pass to walk in late, and just stroll on over to Kaylie before she vaults. They have a moment, but are interrupted when the announcers have to call Kaylie over to vault
AGAIN. She finally fucking vaults.
I have edited the picture, as I am told my website is already considered porn by some filters. But seriously, where was ABC Family on this one? Oh no, don't have sex. Oh no, don't be gay. But here's my nipple!
Kaylie has scrapped the Amanar that was once so very important, and does a full on-full off. Which is... OK, I guess? Haven't seen one in forever, so I don't really know where it came from. All the same, Coach Mac is fucking
PUMPED.
In typical MIOBI one-event-at-a-time fashion, Jordan is up next on bars.
We see Jordan do the same toe-on to the HB a few times, which she either did twice in the routine, or the editors just showed it over and over again. Either one is quite plausible. She also does a brand new kip cast switch direction tkatchev, which I've never seen before.
Maybe she really will beat Genji Cho with all of these power moves. That tkatchev is a beaut, is it not? Aly Raisman would be proud. #powermove
She dismounts with her double back-extra salto triple back, and sticks it cold. Coach Mac orgasms in his pants.
Since only one girl competes at a time, Lauren has plenty of time to grill Wendy about her insane ways. She catches Wendy dicking around with that lipgloss container that she keeps all of her crushed pills in, so she's starting to put it together.
Wendy slips up and mentions that she knows that Kaylie tested for pseudoephedrine, a detail that no one else knew. No time to mull it over, because Lauren is up on beam. She attaches her heart monitor to her leotard, which I'm sure works just fine. Sexy Nutritionist reminds her that five pieces of pie is bad, which explains why the EMT/cops are standing by near the beam.
Like Jordan, Lauren does the same skill a few different times. Who cares, because we've got more important issues like pie. She makes it through her routine with only four pieces, and everyone cheers.
Next up is Colleen Evans on FX, and no one knows who that fuck that even is. Since each girl only performs on one event, this is the perfect time for Lauren to race back to the dorms to raid Wendy's room for the drugs. Colleen Evans' routine musn't be very long, because Wendy is already up on beam.
Wendy appears to run right past the beam, but instead we see her double do a respectable Garrison onto the big betty beam. Followed by a standing LOSO-LOSO-LOSO, so props for that.
Fugly form, but seeing anything other than a front aerial or standing back tuck is always a treat.
Lauren is still busy rummaging through all of Wendy's shit. She finds the envelope from the pharmacy in the trash, and then the confirmation email from Wendy's order. She grabs that shit and runs back to the gym.
Princess Payson and her cholo eyebrows explain to her dad why she's too good for a lead off spot on the team.
She hands her CD with her new FX music to Coach Mac, like he's supposed to do something with it. Then she's all snotty and rude to her coach, because Princess Payson doesn't give a shit about anyone but Princess Payson.
Coach Sasha gives her some undeserved reinforcement.
She walks out on the floor in wearing a disturbing lowcut red leotard. That cut would be scandalous on most girls, but it's especially noticeable with her gigantic jugs.
In order to show everyone just how sassy and not safe she is, she takes out her bun and shakes her hair out. She looks like a fool.
This entire scene is uncomfortable from start to finish. I get that she's supposed to be sexy and sassy, but my God, it doesn't come across that way at all. At the club the other night, did she see any of the other girls charging across the floor like a bull? Because she does that move several times in her routine.
I will give her credit for the leap; it's lovely. But the rest is awkward slop, and I don't understand why people were clapping for it.
That was the last routine of the day, so now the selection committee is hidden away, making their decisions.
Now, per the results, these were the top 5 from the meet. They have to discuss Kaylie's involvement, given the whole drug test debacle. I guess the deal was that they would give her a blood test after the meet.
It appears that they're using the toy kit that existed in the 80s. Who gets a needle in their hand for a blood test? Lauren comes flying in, and warns Kaylie and her folks that she's going to test positive with the blood test too. Lauren races out as quickly as she raced in, and runs off to the selection committee.
"It was that little bitch Wendy!"
Best line of the entire night. Out on the bleachers, Sasha and Sister Mary Summer have a moment, and who gives a fuck? Not me. Back in the office, Coach Mac and the committee confronts Wendy about her shipment of pseudoephedrine. She denies everything, claiming that she ordered it for herself, but didn't take any once she learned it was banned. The girls have a cat fight, which Coach Mac breaks up. He allows Lauren to go through Wendy's gym bag, which seems weird. Wouldn't he go through it himself? Lauren finds the lip gloss, which she opens to find all of the crushed pills. Success.
FINALLY it is time to announce the 2012 Olympic gymnastics team. With no further ado, your team members are:
Oh, and Colleen Evans, WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. We get our obligatory hugs and congratulatory shots, and even the girls who didn't make it are super happy for the girls who did. Because this is HappyLand, where even the girls whose dreams are crushed are happy for Princess fucking Payson.
The girls who did make it don't bother to hug those that didn't. They go off into their own team huddle and immediately ignore those who weren't chosen.
Could Princess Payson have worse posture? The girls all stand on the podium, and are just pleased as punch.
OH! So that's who Colleen Evans is. I knew she looked familiar. The girls stand and wave and wave and wave...
... and wave and wave, until it's time to grab hands and take a bow. This is our final shot of the entire series.
THE END.
Well... now what? That, friends, I don't know. I've heard random rumors about a TV movie, but as far as I'm concerned, that's all they are.
Now, I do plan on continuing my recaps from the first season. But I'll do them if and when I have time, so don't have a meltdown if they're not done in a timely fashion.
Sigh, I'm depressed. I can't believe this nightmare is finally over. So many wrapped up storylines, and yet I am left completely unfulfilled.
Until... never, friends. May your smoothies be drugged and your beams be big!
