honey badger i am lactating with rage!

Has it already been another week?  It has, which means only one thing.  It's recap time, motherfuckers.

We start our week out at the park that looks like the one over on Coldwater Canyon.  Payson and the New Guy are going for a jog, you know, since they're such good pals now and all.  Payson tries to out-jock him in a race, but really, she just cheats and takes a shortcut to the bench picnic tables.

The duo is joined by a roughed up young mut, who they obviously fall in love with immediately.  This is exactly like the Brady Bunch.  When all else fails, add a really cute dog to the mix.

Without any tags or ID chips, the couple takes it upon themselves to figure out where this cute little monster came from.

At the Rock, Payson's mom rolls up to see this huge tour bus parked smack in the middle of the parking lot.  A tour bus that happens to be the office/home to Kelly Parker, and her mom/manager, heretofore referred to as Peggy Hill. 

AS IF.  Mary Lou never even had her own tour bus.  Have you seen the behind-the-scenes photos of the Mag 7 during their tour?  They were practically sleeping on top of each other.  Vanessa Ferarri was world champion.  Does she have her own bus?

Peggy Hill is busy hanging huge banners announcing the presence of her bratty daughter, former world champion Kelly Parker.  Payson's mom just about has a stroke, because everyone knows SHE runs this gym.  Not this new Peggy Hill bitch.  She runs to go tattle to Sasha, but he's actually totally cool with it.  He mumbles something about a left hook, or some such boxing reference.

Wait, is Peggy Hill Jewish?  Which means Kelly Parker is chosen???  Well, now she has to win Worlds.  I knew I liked her.

Payson and the New Guy try to figure out what to do about their new puppy.  They know better than to bring him into the gym, or else Sasha will flip his shit.  I'm pretty sure that dog will end up in that gym before the day is done.

Inside the gym, Kelly Parker is trying valiantly to get some cat leaps around.  Such a good try, honey.  Really... A+ for effort. 

While Kelly Parker is actually working out, Kaylie and Lauren just stand around shit-talking her.  That is, until she takes a break from her splendid cat leaps, so that she can come over and psych out the girls.  She reminds Lauren that a new slut is in town, and that she's been getting with Carter on the regular.  Lauren doesn't give a shit, because she's with the New Guy now.  Officially.

Given this little proclamation, she feels pretty stupid when the New Guy and Payson enter the room, in the midst of canoodling.  In real life, they're just discussing more cute dog stuff, but it sure looks like they're being all lovey dovey.

Sasha calls his bitches over to the mat.  There, he tells them that only after a mock meet will he choose the final competitor for Worlds.  So I'm guessing this is the Make It or Break It version of death camp?  Maybe Junior will break her leg on an illusion.  We'll just have to wait and see.  Until then, she and Kelly Parker give each other a really weak high five.  Here's a hint ladies: stare at the elbows.  You'll connect hands every time.

The Rock girls lament the chances of Junior being named to the team.  Probably because she's under-aged, which would lead to the US federation getting sanctioned and then probably banned from the Olympics, ala North Korea.  But also because Kelly Parker would be named captain, and we just can't have that!

Speaking of Kelly Parker (I can't call her KP, because that's what we called Kitchen Patrol at camp, and it reminds me of doing dirty dishes,) she's in the viewing room with Peggy Hill, shit-talking Kaylie.  Peggy Hill is worried about Kaylie's presence on the team, because with her astounding beauty, charm, and talent, she simply outshines the ratty, plain Kelly Parker.  They're both worried that Kaylie will snag all of the lucrative endorsements, leaving precious little for Kelly Parker and Peggy Hill.

Kelly Parker tries to convince her mother that since Kaylie just the other day came back from a 6 week "ACL tear," that there's no way she'll be ready in time to compete all around at death camp.  Peggy Hill doesn't give a shit, because she's not stupid and knows that if given the chance, Sasha will pick one of his own girls.  She wisely points out that Kelly Parker is an old, washed up load, and therefore not exactly marketable anymore.  God, I love you, Peggy Hill.  She is just DELICIOUS in this role.  That's the only way I can describe her. 

Meanwhile, Lauren saunters over to the chalk bucket, in order to have a little chat with the New Guy.  He asks her what's going on with Payson, and he reminds her that they're just friends.  Lauren then takes her nasty, chalked up finger nails, and touches the New Guy's nasty, chalked up fingernails.

GROOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Those of us who have had chalk on our hands know that it feels disgusting to touch anything at all.  So the idea, the CONCEPT of touching someone else's hands, both while chalky, in an attempt to be sexy is absolutely horrendous.  I can't even handle this. 

I missed the rest of the scene, because I had to go wash my hands.  But we return to Kaylie, striking a lovely pose on the beam.

Now that's some carriage, if I've ever seen it.  Kelly Parker takes it upon herself to talk Kaylie through her routine, which of course means psyching her out.  She reminds Kaylie that it will be super hard to get competition-ready on all four events.  Good thing she gets to compete on the super jumbo Big Betty beam!

Kaylie wraps up her routine by appearing to land her double full dismount, but it turns out she actually face-planted instead. 

Woof.  When these girls fall, they fall HARD.  Austin comes over, and consoles Kaylie.  She explains that she's just stressed, so Austin offers to stay late with her so they can bone so she can get some extra training in.  She brushes his offer off, and walks away.  Typical.

Payson and the New Guy are yet AGAIN yacking about this stupid dog.  I am already bored with the dog.  Even though their conversations are strictly dog-related, all Lauren sees is the two of them spending time together, so she sets out to ruin it.  In her mind, what will solve her problem is to make Payson question whether or not her dad is having an affair in Minnesota (woot!)

And that solves your problem how, exactly?  It doesn't matter, Lauren seems pretty happy with herself.

Over at the world's worst strip club, Bodacious Boulders (why do I have a BB theme song stuck in my head?  I made it up myself.  It kind of has the same hook as the In Living Color theme song,) we see two of the most covered up strippers I have ever seen.  How many strip clubs have their girls wear robes while dancing?

I would ask for my money back.  Luckily, there are some weird ass patrons who decide to visit the strip club during the day.  So, being the awesome, talented, and pert bartender that she is, Bitchface Chloe delivers some scotch to the miserable daytime patrons.  But who would visit such an establishment at like, 4pm on a weekday?  Why, it's Payson's dad!  Dun dun DUNNNNNN. 

He stares at Bitchface Chloe's jugs while she sets down his drink.  The two have that awkward "Hey... I know you" sort of recognition moment that I have had one too many times in my lifetime.  He races home just in time for dinner after the strip club.  What, no buffet?  The folks tell Payson to beat it, and to go find her sister.  You know, the one who has been missing for like a year.  But guess what.  I found her.  She's over in the movie Bridesmaids, being fucking HILARIOUS!  Who knew?!  She actually holds her own against my very favorite actress/comedian/person at the moment, one Miss Kristen Wiig.  Well done, Becka who we'll probably never see again on this show.  Well done.

Payson's parents have a downer conversation, where it's revealed that Payson's dad was let go from his job in Minnesota (woot!) and is looking for a job in Boulder.  Which somehow explains why he was at the strip club staring at Bitchface Chloe's jugs in the middle of the day.  Seems his potential boss likes to party, and wants his employees to indulge as well.  Makes enough sense to me.  Payson's mom tries to throw herself a pity party because she's married to an unemployed yokel, but he informs her that someone has it even harder than they do: Bitchface Chloe.  You know, the one who was poor to start with, but supported her horrible slutty daughter in the pursuit of her dream, only to watch her throw it all away by spreading her legs for the first boy who paid her a lick of attention.  AND she also supports her handi-capable son who, like the hilarious Becka, has not been seen or heard from in some odd months.  Now there's a real woman.

Back at the gym, Austin literally, not figuratively, but literally moseys over to Sasha to ask him if he can stay late to train Kaylie.  I've seen that awkward bounce before.  It's the walk that guy actors do when they're trying to play "cool and confident."  You know, sometimes I can't tell if I really miss my theatre school years, or seriously regret them. 

Austin reminds Sasha that he'll have to avoid looking like he's giving Kaylie preferential treatment by giving her the extra attention that she needs.  He also tells Sasha that he knows about her anorexia, which apparently makes it all OK, because Sasha agrees to even more late-night training sessions.  But he warns the cocky athlete: no surprises.

It's almost bedtime, but that doesn't keep the New Guy from showing up at Payson's door.  She meets him outside, so they can talk about the dog some more.  I am so bored with this dog plotline, but damned if she's not super cute.

Back at the Rock, Kaylie is working out on FX.  She throws a 2.5, and once again face-plants.

Ooh, they've got all of the good extras in the background.  Is that Jordan Schweikert with the flexibility bomb on beam?  And I'm digging the great handstand in the back there. 

Austin tells Kaylie that he cleared it with Sasha, and that he's OK with the two of them training one on one.  Kaylie is somehow offended by this, and says a bunch of tasteless stuff about Austin's sister before walking away.  Kelly Parker, ever the eavesdropper, takes this opportunity to waltz on over and tell Austin to convince Kaylie to bow out now, before she embarrasses herself.  He tells her to shut her face, and go back to shacking up with her little minion, Junior.  Bitchfaces all around.

In the parent's viewing room, Lauren is talking Daddy's ear off about the wedding.  Why hasn't Summer picked a date yet?  Um, maybe because she wants to get naked with Sasha?  Just a thought.  When who should enter the gym but the LOVELY Bitchface Chloe!  Be still my heart.  She walks into the office to have a chat with that frigid bitch, Summer.

Being the classy woman that she is, Bitchface Chloe offers to pay off whatever she might owe for Emily's dues.  Summer gives her a half-assed "No, that's not necessary," but Bitchface Chloe is a woman of pride, and insists anyway.  She knows Summer judges the hell out of her, and tells her so.

Summer says she's so proud of Emily for deciding to keep the baby.  But Bitchface Chloe isn't.  OH HAIL NO.  Here come the pipe bombs.

Bitchface Chloe ignores the death stare, and reiterates that she tried as a mother.  She really tried.  As she leaves, she tells Summer that her engagement ring is beautiful.  Classy classy classy. 

Payson and the New Guy discuss going to the park for a run with their new puppy after the gym.  Lauren gets a whiff of this, and sets out to invade their plans.

Austin is busy working out his frustrations by rocking back and forth on the pommel horse.  Kaylie comes over to apologize, which Austin graciously accepts before telling her that he has a plan.  Instead of competing on all four events, Kaylie is just going to specialize on one event.  Since Emily's departure left a huge gaping hole in the vault lineup (her 1.5Y will be missed,) it would be wise for Kaylie to focus on stealing that vault spot.  But vault is Kaylie's WORST event.  Never fear though.  I'm sure two days of training will really solve that problem. 

Payson and the New Guy are back at it, this time posting Lost and Found signs up for their new puppy.  He keeps on harassing her about being friends with benefits, a proposition every girl just LOVES to receive.  Because she's not a trashy ho, Payson tells the New Guy that if all he's looking for is a little buttered muffin, then he might as well go try Lauren.

At the gym, Austin is helping Kaylie with her vault.  Has she been wearing the same leotard for like three days now?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I actually like that leo a lot.  But that's pretty disgusting.  Maybe it's her lucky leotard, because in one day, she has already upgraded from a FTY to a DTY, which is pretty remarkable.  It's good, but not good enough.  What she really needs is an Amanar.  Which she could totally get with just one additional day of training.  This is really going to happen, isn't it?

Meanwhile, Payson and the New Guy are attempting to sneak the dog into the gym, since they have nowhere else for her to stay for the day.  The New Guy attempts to bring her upstairs without anyone noticing.

A fool proof plan.  At home, Payson's parents talk about money, and other boring stuff.  Payson's none the wiser, because she's too busy policing Kaylie's workouts at the Rock.  She mentions to Kaylie that she's spent an awful lot of time at vault, as if she wasn't aware.  Then she drops that Junior just got a RO-LO-LO mount on beam.  Interesting?  I guess.  All the same, it freaks Kaylie out.  Payson walks over to the water cooler, maybe because water bottles are banned at the Rock?  I've never been to a gym without bottles scattered everywhere.  The New Guy runs up to her, explaining that he had to move the puppy to a new location.  All Lauren sees that these two are yet again having an intimate conversation, and she looks pissed.  Unfortunately, Kelly Parker also sees this, and rubs it in Lauren's face.  She also gives Lauren a very wise piece of advice.  Don't put out so soon, ho.  That was the gist of it.

Something about this clicks with Lauren, so she approaches the New Guy and pretends that she's not all slutty by challenging him to a game of basketball.

He accepts, right before the puppy, who escaped her cage, runs out into the gym floor.  Sasha demands to know who this adorable puppy belongs to, and both Payson and the New Guy claim it as theirs, which sends Lauren into a tizzy.  Her line legit made me laugh.

At home, Payson tries to convince her miserable parents to let her keep the dog.  They're super worried about money, so they say no, and admonish her for even asking.  While she's upset about losing her new dog, the New Guy is meeting up with Lauren at what appears to be an abandoned barn that has been outfitted with spotlights for a little one-on-one basketball.  She shows up in this number.

OMG, why don't the shorts match the shirt??  That's going to drive me nuts.  Cute shoes though.  The New Guy makes some corny joke about being shirts or skins, and while she manages to keep her raging sluttiness in check, Lauren tells him she'll be shirts.  So he takes off his.

He should probably just walk around like this for the rest of the show.  Turns out, Lauren's actually really good at basketball.  Underneath what looks like disco lighting, the two flirt and sweat all over each other while the New Guy misses a phone call from Payson.

At the Rock, Austin is still working with Kaylie on her vault.  In what can only be described as Make It or Break It magic, we see Kaylie landing her vault facing one way, and then sitting it down facing a whole other direction.

She keeps at it though, and despite developing some serious Mustafina legs, she gets the vault around.  We know this because it appears to have been caught on the security camera?  That's my best guess.

Joining in on the "training after hours with no coaches or spotters" trend are adult baby Kelly Parker and real baby Junior.

In this shot you can see not only how much Junior resembles Mustafina, but also how FUCKING HUGE that beam is compared to the real beam. 

The following day, we're once again in the parent's veiwing room, where Peggy Hill is again lecturing Kelly Parker about the threat that Kaylie presents to their endorsement opportunities.  Kelly Parker tells her mother that Kaylie has spent the last two days doing nothing but attempting Amanar vaults, which when she says it, it DOES sound pretty ridiculous.  The two rest assured knowing that Kaylie won't make the team, and Junior will. 

The time for the death camp mock meet has come, and first up is Junior.  She mounts the gigantic Big Betty beam with a RO-LO-LO, which she sticks easily, because it's a huge ass beam.  She then goes into some sort of side aerial-aerial pass, which sounds great in theory, but doesn't really work as a connection in reality.  But A for effort.

She follows up with a split leap, where we can really see either a) how skinny she is or b) how BIG THAT FUCKING BEAM IS.  She wraps it up with a gainer full off of the end.  It is hilarious to see how her foot takes up a mere half of the beam, maybe even like a third. 

Because girls like to just jump from event to event at the Rock, next up is the random extra on vault.  And what a vault she does!  A GINORMOUS RO-1/2 on handspring.  That's it.  Just a handspring.

That said, she does her handspring with lovely form.  Team Russia, take note.  Junior is up on bars, and does a jaeger before her full out dismount.  Only after the other girls have done several events does Sasha ask Kaylie to do even one.  She tells him that she won't be doing bars, beam or floor.  Sasha is not amused.  But she butters him up by telling him that she decided to take this risk, because it was what Sasha would do.  WWSBD?  Everyone is pretty confused by this point, especially the girl in the background.

In a massive and lengthy whoosh-whoosh moment, Kaylie spins in the air for an hour, and then lands her Amanar.  Perfectly.  Jordan Schweikert and random extra are stunned.

But the other girls are thrilled.  Hooray!

I would be too, if I had just witnessed someone previously capable of only a FTY miraculously learn an Amanar in two days.

Here come the bitchfaces.  Junior is PISSED.

So is Peggy Hill.  Adult baby Kelly Parker knows she's in trouble.

It is an impressive bitchface, but it's no Bitchface Chloe bitchface.  She's still #1 in my heart.

Sasha again calls his bitches to the mat.  Without further ado, he names Kaylie Cruz to the team.

At home, Payson's parents ruin the vibe by discussing their lack of money, and how they're sucking the life out of everything.  Saying no to the dog was the last straw.  It's time to buckle down, and stop being afraid of life.

Bitchface Puppy.

Back at the Rock, Peggy Hill is having a meltdown over Kaylie making the team.  She reveals that Kelly Parker is only 16, which leaves me confused as to how she could have won a world championships previously.  Now the US will be sanctioned twice, damnit.  The two plot against Kaylie, deciding that outing her anorexia is the only way to deal with her once and for all.  Kelly Parker isn't stupid though, and knows that no one is going to take her word for it.  Peggy Hill tells her she'd better get some fucking proof then.  Or else, sigh, she just might have to drop her as her client.  She stomps onto the bus, and either has a driver waiting, or she drove that bitch herself.  I prefer the latter.

Kelly Parker runs back to the Rock in tears, but is stopped by Kaylie, who is trying to be genuinely nice and comfort her.  She spews some therapy bullshit, blaming the sport for crazy ass gym/stage moms.  Dude, it's not the sport that creates these monsters.  It's people with unfulfilled dreams who want to live vicariously through their children.

The New Guy stops over by Payson's to say goodbye to the puppy.  But PSYCH, Payson gets to keep the puppy after all!  I told you, this is just like Tiger in the Brady Bunch.  Payson suggests going for a family run, but the New Guy tells her he has a date with Lauren.  They have an awkward friends moment, and after he leaves, Payson leans against the wall and sighs.  Slutty Lauren wins again.

In an act of kindness, Kaylie invites Kelly Parker over to her house, even asking her to stay for dinner.   That seems super nice, but then she makes this totally backhanded dig at Kelly Parker for having no friends.  Ouchie.  So as Kaylie goes to tell her mother to set another plate at the table, Kelly Parker wanders aimlessly around the room.  She happens upon some pictures of the Rock girls, including that bitch Emily, and eventually finds Kaylie's journal.  She opens it up to find some freaky Sarah Palin shit, like drawings of Genji Cho in fucking crosshairs.  Jesus, girl.  Crosshairs??

Perhaps Kaylie also uses this book to practice her handwriting, because it is significantly better than when we saw it the first time.  This is what she wrote some odd weeks ago.

And here it is tonight.

Maybe they were supposed to have been written on different days, who knows.  All the same, Kelly Parker happens upon this shit, and is all like JACKPOT.

She grabs the book, stuffs it in her gym bag, and sits back down as if nothing happened.  End scene.

You know I hate to admit it, but this show really is getting better.  I mostly attribute this to having no Emily or Demon.  Plus, more Kelly Parker and the addition of Peggy Hill?  Now all I need is WAY more Bitchface Chloe, and I'd be set. 

I'm starting to have panic attacks, because I realize that next week is the season finale.  The show hasn't been picked up for a third season YET, but there is still time.  There is still hope.  I mean, this is the channel that airs Secret Life of a Teenage Prego, or some such shit.  There is absolutely room for this gem.  I know we rag on this series a lot, but it's not like we're swimming in gymnastics shows.  And the fact of the matter is, there isn't going to be another gymnastics-themed TV series around the corner.  Probably not ever.  So if this is all we can get, I'll take it.  And I'll like it. 

Until next weeks super-sized finale, maybe your Amanars be learned swiftly, and your faces be bitchy!

lord tubbington is allowed to eat cheese because he's on atkins.

Well, this was quite a week on Make It or Break It, was it not?  Let us jump right in.

We open with no frills, straight away to Emily getting her ultrasound.  At only 6 weeks, apparently she is one of the few women who can get an ultrasound the millisecond she finds out she's pregnant.  Most normal women, non-elite athletes, have to wait for weeks like shmoes.  But not our hero, the big-bellied Emily Kmetko.

I love how her stomach is already gigantic.  Andrea Zuckerman from 90210's hand totally gives it away that Kmetko is actually like a thousand weeks pregnant. 

Emily is desperately confused as to how she got knocked up, and Bitchface Chloe is horribly embarrassed by her daughter's stupidity.

Emily claims she, at a totally normal height and weight not just for gymnastics, but for humans, has only had one period in her whole entire life.  BULLSHIT.  Yes, there are super teeny tiny boylike gymnasts all over the world.  Emily is not one of them.  I mean, for crying out loud, her jugs are GIGANTIC in this episode!  She also appears to be about 25, and has since the pilot, so I really can't imagine that anyone is fooled here.  But whatever, all gymnasts are anorexic and 45 lbs and have no periods and are manipulated by their coaches. 

The scene is barely rescued by the dear, talented, and beautiful Bitchface Chloe.  She busts out one bitchface after another, each one more glorious than the last.  Also, she is, thus far, the only one who has the chops to be doing crying scenes in this series.

Maybe it's because I watched this and Glee back to back, but the vast difference in what we'll call the "emotional scenes" are painfully obvious.  In MIOBI, there are two emotions: happy, and break-down crying.  However, in Glee, there are characters who run the gamut of emotions.  You'll see characters on Glee trying NOT to cry, which can be as visual an emotion as crying.

The exception on this show, of course, is the brilliant Bitchface Chloe.  This scene is the first of many that she absolutely robs.  The show should be about her. 

Dr. Andrea Zuckerman gives Emily and Bitchface Chloe some pamphlets on the options, meaning of course, the Big Three: keeping the baby, adoption, or terminating the pregnancy.  Summer shockingly does not burst into the room with a pipe bomb.  Perhaps later. 

At the Rock, some girls are doing kips, and the other more shapely extras are just meandering around.

Sasha walks in, only to see this huge day show production going on, meant to interview the girls on their way to Worlds.  Meanwhile, the one real gymnast extra is on beam. 

Sasha asks Summer what the fuck is going on, and she plays all stupid, and has no idea why it might be a bad idea.  He explains that Emily will not be coming, and again, Summer doesn't seem to understand a word he is saying.  Emily breezes in late, as usual, and Sasha looks like he's about to have a stroke. 

The diminuative reporter pretty much only interviews Emily, and badgers her about totally choking in Hungary.  Emily attempts to act all charming and confident, and fools no one except for patented creepy smile Payson.

As Emily says she'll totes be ready for Worlds, Sasha looks like he's about to take off his shoe and throw it at her. 

Meanwhile, Kaylie and Demon are chumming it up in the Cryptkeeper's recording studio.  Demon is acting extra creepy, so Kaylie asks him what's up.  He informs her that the label loved their duet, and wants them to record it.

Back at the Rock, Sasha calls Emily into the office, chop chop.  She literally struts into the office, before turning around to sass Sasha like the punk ass kid that she is.

Sasha asks her what the fuck she's doing, and Emily snottily acts like nothing is happening.

Additionally, the poster seems to have been fixed.  Emily doesn't care, because she's too busy blowing off help from the many people who inexplicably want to help this young mess.  Even though he's known her since Day 1, Sasha is still for some reason shocked by Emily's disrespectful behavior.

Back at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie and Demon are singing their song AGAIN. 

They talk about feelings, blah blah blah, and eventually mention Emily.  Kaylie smiles hopefully as she asks if it's really over between the two of them.

But since Demon has realized that Emily is crazy, and that Kaylie is awesome, he's pretty much on Team Kaylie now.  She seems to dig it, but at the same time be horrified.

Finishing up at the Rock, Lauren and Daddy sit in the observation room, spying on Summer and Sasha.  They don't approve of the way that Summer is brazenly flirting with Sasha, so Lauren suggests that Daddy proposes yet again to Summer, and then does the "put a ring on it" dance.

Ok, so that was kind of cute.  The rest of the scene plummets downhill, as Lauren tries to be charming with her determination to manipulate every adult around her.  She then stares at Sasha's ass while he stares at Summer's ass. 

At home, Bitchface Chloe yet again tries to help out her insufferable daughter.  They discuss Emily's "options" while Emily makes shitty little brat faces.  They have a realistic discussion about ending the pregnancy, and yet, still no Summer.  Also, I'm not sure they actually say the word "abortion" throughout this entire episode.  Even still, they handled the topic much more tastefully than I had expected.  Especially the wonderful, vivacious Bitchface Chloe.  She explains to Emily that different people have different beliefs, and that is that.  Emily stomps away like a horrible little child, while Bitchface Chloe leaves us again with her world-class bitchfaces.

A jaunty ditty plays while Summer comes home from a long day of being judgmental at the Rock.  (note to self: find out details of that song.)  She opens the door to find the house bound by strings, with cute little notes that she feels the need to read out loud, even though she is alone, as far as she knows.  She follows the strings, until she winds up at the door to the closet, which she opens only to find this little scene looking back at her.

Daddy gets down on one knee, and proposes while Lauren mouths the words along with him.  Not surprisingly, Summer isn't 100% thrilled at the idea.  How could you say no to this face?

Summer begs off by telling them she needs to think about it.  You know Lauren will bring this up a year from now, after she does something terrible to someone.  She'll use the line "You told me you had to THINK about being my mother!"

The following day, Bitchface Chloe and Sasha are at the Rock, watching Emily as she attempts to stretch her enormous body.  This is especially obvious in comparison to the one real gymnast on set, who is ass up on beam. 

Bitchface Chloe asks Sasha if there is a chance that Emily could come back to elite gymnastics after having the baby, to which Sasha replies with an emphatic no.

Um, hi.  Have we not heard of Oksana Chusovitina?  If not, you could take a gander at the vaulting results from the Beijing Olympics.  Or most of the World/Olympic results for the past twenty years.  Not to mention a host of other gymnasts who have returned to elite and NCAA competition after having a child.  But I guess you're right, MIOBI.  All gymnasts must be itty bitty teeny tiny and period-free forever and ever in order to make it in the sport. 

Despite the fact that he's being an idiot, Bitchface Chloe begs Sasha to give Emily some advice.  He refuses, probably because he knows Emily is a horrible child who will blow off whatever he has to say anyway.  As usual.

At therapy, Kaylie is showing the googly-eyed counselor magic tricks, as she makes her journal jump from her left hand to her right hand between takes. 

She also tells him all about how she is becoming an artist, what with the label loving her and all.  She realizes that maybe she can do more with her life than just gymnastics.  But, she needn't bother, because Googly-Eyes tells her that she may return to the gym whenever she'd like.  Despite having thrown fits about her absence for months, Kaylie doesn't look entirely thrilled with the possibility of going back. 

Probably because she'd have to compete with this little nugget of awesomesauce.  Lauren is at the gym, actually doing gymnastics for a change.  She is working on a GINORMOUS pass of a 1.5 through to what is supposed to be a layout, but she keeps trying to twist it into a full.  Maybe it's because she keeps switching her lead leg in her roundoff?  Let's take a peek. 

You'll notice that Lauren is a leftie, and therefore leads with her left leg.  Her double, however, is clearly a righty.  I know it's kind of hard to see in these pics, but whatever, I can tell.

Dear lord.  Like, props for getting skinny, but buy a bigger leotard, woman!

Sasha diagnoses Lauren with a case of the "twisties."  Despite her constantly trying to ruin his life, he offers to meet with Lauren before practice every single day until she works this problem out.  If she ends up boning him too, I'm going to be pissed.

Up in the office, Payson's mom and Summer have a little girl chat.  Summer explains that she should marry Daddy, because she so desperately wants to discipline Lauren.  They decide that Summer should see if she still has feelings for Sasha.

Meanwhile, Emily is for some reason spotting Payson on a shaposhnikova, instead of having a real coach do it.  Emily marvels at how good Payson is.  Maybe it's because she actually comes to the gym and does gymnastics, instead of just wandering around all day.  Emily asks if Payson's broken back was just a little road bump on her way to the Olympics, and Payson's all FUCK NO, because she worked her ass off to come back from her injury.  Payson tells Emily to jump up on the bars, and Emily's all "Um, no, I don't do gymnastics this season.  Remember?"

At just that moment, the NGO asshole waltzes on into the gym, to present Emily with her world team jacket, since she is going to worlds!  She responds by waddling slowly out of the building. 

Payson finds Emily at MIOBI's favorite spot, the bench.  Payson walks like a linebacker over to said bench, and asks Emily what the fuck is going on.  Emily tells Payson that she is, in fact, with child.  The first time I watched, I was pretty ambo'd, so I wasn't sure what to make of Emily's laughing/crying.  But having watched it a few times now, I'm more into it.  Lord knows I do that ALL of the time, and every single time it makes my fiance think I'm nuts.  I think it's a very realistic response to the situation.  Also, even though I HATE her character with a passion fiery and true, Emily does well in this scene.  She's no Bitchface Chloe, that's for damn sure, but I must give credit where credit is due. 

In response to Emily's admission, Payson starts ripping her a new asshole.  Not entirely uncalled for, yet it still wasn't very satisfying.  Like, this is your chance to tell this bitch what's what, to call her out for being a huge selfish hag, and dragging you down with her!  Take this moment!  Payson just beefs it though, and totally caves in when Emily turns shit around, and accuses Payson of being too perfect.  They end up in this super awkward embrace, where Payson looks like an old schoolmarm. 

Inside of the Rock, Summer and Sasha are having an intimate moment in the office.  Sasha ruins it by confiding in Summer that Emily is up the spout.  Summer responds with the most insincere surprise ever.   Did she already know?  Is that why she's feigning such meager shock?  She gets over it quickly, and tells Sasha to make sure Emily knows that everyone is there for her and the baby, so that she may continue to walk all over everyone, and piss all of her support away.  Sasha tells her that he can't say that, because he doesn't want Emily to have the baby.  He wants Emily to make something of herself, and is fully aware that shit won't happen if Emily becomes the oldest looking teen mom ever.

Oh boy.  Here comes the pipe bomb.  Summer has a meltdown, and gets all judgmental with all of the crap we knew she'd get into a tizzy over.  Summer and her super high, archy eyebrows bust into a rage as she tears into Sasha. 

Sasha asks her to at least understand where he is coming from.  Obviously, she does not.  Cannot.  And WILL NOT. 

This was such a strange moment.  Things were fine, if not completely predictable, until that line.  The "and I won't!" eyeroll line.  That just sounded like a bad character of someone who was so closed-minded.  It almost seemed as though the show was making fun of her character, which would be entirely hard to believe since it is a) ABC Family but also b) Candace Cameron Bure's character, who is notorious for being exactly like Summer in real life.  I really don't think she'd be cool with a line intending to make her very staunch position a joke.  They just wrapped Summer's, and therefore ABC Family's portrayal of religious pro-lifers, beliefs up in a tight little package.  She WILL NOT ever be open to understanding a viewpoint that which she does not agree with.  And despite being my dad's hippy liberal daughter, even I know better.  I know that not every religious person pushes their beliefs on people the way Summer does.  I know that not all pro-lifers are completely unwilling and unable to accept another person's point of view.  But, this one line in this one episode of this one show tells a lot of people otherwise.  It's a real shame.

Since Sasha is once again a heathen destined for hell, Summer leaves the office and the Rock with a quickness.  She races over to the Tanner's, and says yes to Daddy.  Judgment: the magic all successful marriages are made of. 

At Casa de Cruz, Demon and Kaylie are wrapping up the recording of their little duet.  They share an illicit kiss, which is great because hopefully it solidifies the end of Emily.  But Kaylie puts the kibosh on it, since it's wrong, and she's just such a good friend to Emily.  Demon stands in the studio, alone, holding his blue balls. 

At home, Emily blames her mother for pregnancy-enduced super smell.  Bitchface Chloe jumps through hoops just to get Emily off of her back, and they are civil and hug for one hot minute.  That all ends when the NGO asshole shows up, who Bitchface Chloe called in an attempt to get some help with the situation.  He does seem genuinely helpful, and thanks Bitchface Chloe for confiding in him.  Emily erupts from the bathroom in an insane rage.  The NGO asshole tries to calm her down, telling her that other girls on the National team have been in her situation.  When he calmly explains the process to her, and like the rest of the episode, never even mentions the word abortion, she has a meltdown.

She freaks out, and says everyone tries to control her.  Oh, but not this time.  This time, she decides, she has a choice.  SHE gets to choose what she does with her own body.  Sorry dear, I think you mean old Republican men get to decide what you do with your body.  She then insinuates that something was happening between Bitchface Chloe and the NGO asshole, which is something, if you'll recall, that I had wished for some odd weeks back.  Both adults claim nothing happened, but I'm not convinced.  Neither is Emily.  She then decides that Demon is the only person that will understand her, and that he will surely race back into her arms after she blew him off for the billionth time.  So she's off to his place.

At the Rock, Lauren is working layout drills with Sasha.  She does layouts off of a mini tramp while he sits in a lawn chair eating cereal.  That's exactly how it started with Payson, too.  Lauren will be all over him shortly.  She tries her pass another time, and is successful, even though her wig almost falls off.

Lauren is immediately upset, because yet another person who she was a huge bitch to ended up supporting her in the end. 

Emily continues her parade of crazy by showing up at Demon's apartment above the rave.  She doesn't wait for an invite in, she just pushes her way into his place, and rants on about dreams, and being happy.  Understandably, he's not really buying it.  So, in order to expedite the process, Emily just busts out that she's pregnant.

She breathlessly adds to the cray cray by telling him that now they can move in together, get married, have a baby, and she can go on tour with him.  Isn't that great?!

No time for a response, because Emily is off to run home and pack her stuff, because she's moving in.   Lucky Demon! 

In a change of pace, Lauren is the sane one, for now.  She is at home, and is about to send the full DVD copy of the Sasha-Payson love story to the NGO, which will clear Sasha's name once and for all.  Despite her good deed, and her bedroom being all white and heavenly, we still all know that she is just keeping the brat bottled inside, until it's ready to come out later.

At Casa de Cruz, Kaylie tells the Cryptkeeper that she has something on her mind.  They both decide that she needs to be open and honest.  This means Kaylie needs to tell Emily about her kiss with Demon.  Kaylie shows up at Emily's, and Emily is immediately a little bitch to her.  She starts off by fishing for compliments, but Kaylie legit has no clue what Emily's talking about, since she doesn't know about the little bundle of joy yet.  Kaylie brushes it off, and instead apologizes to Emily for kissing Demon.  Emily says nothing, and Kaylie leaves.

Payson is at home, pouring over the latest gossip mag, which features one of the latest Teen Mom stars.  HA!  That is totally supposed to be Janelle. 

Payson gets all judgmental of Emily, and all teen moms.  Payson's mom admonishes her, and tells her she's not being a very good leader.  Payson seems to get it, because next thing we know, she and the other Rock girls show up at Emily's door to offer their support. 

Problem is, Emily isn't there.  She peaced out, taking the bus to Vegas to go stay with her Godmother.  Understandably, Bitchface Chloe is PISSED.  

She tearfully explains Emily's departure to the girls, and then slams the door in their faces.  Only to open it again, and tell them something.  I watched this part like 7 times, and I'm still not sure what she says here.  At first, I thought she told the girls they could "keep fighting now," which I liked.  But upon rewatching, I'm not entirely sure that's what she says.  So your guess is as good as mine. 

On the bus to Vegas, Emily drives up the 101 past Universal, and stares out the window, reliving some of her more memorable gymnastics moments.  Like that one time she competed a layout-layout pass with bent knees. 

Payson, Kaylie and Lauren wind up at gymnastics camp, and somehow create a bonfire.  They don't have any food, but they have lighters?  Sure, why not.  They are all corny, and discuss the meaning of a team, and share more feelings, blah blah blah.

The Rock parents are creepily lurking in the woods.  Whoa, Payson's dad is back in town?  Does she know that?

The parents descend on the creepy bonfire funeral, and inform the girls that Sasha is the new National team coach!  Everyone celebrates by eating, and Emily is quickly forgotten. 

I was right.  They never once said the word abortion in this entire episode.  Maybe that's why ABC Family was OK with it?  That's also probably why Summer never actually showed up with pipe bombs. 

And there we are.  Dare I hope that Emily is gone forever?  At first I was elated, but then quickly drew terrified, as I realized that no Emily might mean no Bitchface Chloe.  And a show without Bitchface Chloe is not a show worth watching at all.

Until next week, my friends, may your leotards fit, and your layouts be twist-free.