it's clear that the three of you are incompetent fools, possibly even some sort of terrorist cell.

Friends, we are at the second to last episode ever.  EVER.  I'm just positive we'll see a ton of gymnastics, and things that totally pertain to the actual selection of an Olympic team. 

You know it's going to be a good episode when we open with shots of Jan.  Not one, but TWO shots of Jan.  We see Jan, go inside the doctor's office to hear about how super unique and risky Lauren's totally not-unique heart condition is, and then BAM, more Jan!

Jan is very popular, so she likes to run with new friends every 5 minutes or so.  Back to Lauren and Hippy Doctor, we're learning how very special this brand new procedure is.  Per PattyMelt on IGF:

"I really enjoyed this 'crazy, experimental technique' that the hippie doctor used on Lauren is something called an ablation, and is done every day in hospitals to treat SVT (and a myriad of other ectopic heart rhythms)."

SweetTwisted responds:

"Ablations were considered mildly risky in the 90s, but not recently. And the spikes! THE WORST. How does that show a fast heartbeat (tachycardia)? Even without the spikes, the EKG made NO SENSE. The waves were not even the right shape. How hard is it to find a basic SVT rhythm?"

It warms the cockles of my heart when the nerds of the world unite with a singular cause: to tear this show to pieces.


While Lauren and Princess Payson are busy not working out, Kaylie and Jordan are also away from the gym, strolling around in the camp uniform, which consists of skinny jeans and high heeled boots.  These is what every single one of the girls wears every single time they're outside of the gym.  And sometimes while they're in the gym.

Jordan and Kaylie practice their catwalks, discussing Kaylie's "full twist dismount on vault"  when they are happened upon by Creepy Coach Ray from Florida Rhythmic Gymnastics Camp, which I guess is a thing.  Rhythmic camp is where Jordan learned her "Layout Jordan," so just try to keep that fact in mind.  Kaylie's all pumped by the return of her old coach, but Jordan is obviously remembering all of the times he molested the shit out of her, so you know, she's not as cool with it.

Lauren is in the hospital with that weird wrestler kid who scammed her but then brought her Otis.  He's a weirdo, but for whatever reason I don't hate him.  Yet.  But for fuck's sake, why is having a boyfriend so fucking IMPORTANT in this show?  Like, you can't possibly make the Olympics unless you have a man boning you every step of the way.  It's really upsetting.  But Lauren isn't completely insane over him yet, which is good.  Because most girls on this show meet a boy one time and fall in love.  I kind of like him because he makes fun of Lauren's Nastia/Peggy Bundy outfit.

Lauren sends him away once Kaylie and Princess Payson show up.  Princess Payson is totally a Cosmo girl now that she got laid, so she asks Lauren about the new guy.  Lauren's not really an attention whore anymore, so she turns around and asks Princess about her little ratfaced boyfriend instead.

Princess loves to talk about herself, so she quickly spills all the details.

Lauren is fucking disgusting by this.  She vomits wildly all over the room, and then asks Princess about letting boys into her fold.  Kaylie stands around awkwardly, because as far as I remember, she never actually boned Austin before they broke up.  Not like the Golden Couple would have boned in a tent in a dorm room anyway. 

Back at the gym, Wendy is personally handing Sexy Nutritionist her pee cup from her drug test.  Sexy Nutritionist is all "Um, Wendy, most people leave these in the bathroom.  This shit is nasty."  So Wendy is all "Well, most drug testing is done by the USADA, not the wife of the coach."

Sexy Nutritionist is all "Touche."  Wendy uses the opportunity to grill Sexy Nutritionist about the currently banned substances.  She goes into the whole pseudoephedrine thing, and everyone who has ever watched gymnastics ever groaned and collectively sighed.  My first response was to strike the TV and scream about how that wasn't even a banned substance anymore, but I guess it is now?  But in certain amounts.  Whatever, I have no fucks to give about the scandal that makes people think Simona Amanar is an Olympic AA champion.  Sexy Nutritionist raps up her little speech by reminding Wendy that she's 15, so she's totally allowed to buy and take whatever drugs she'd like, just so long as she reads the label first.

Princess motherfucking Payson rolls up late to practice, as usual.  Probably too busy boning her stalker boyfriend in a tent in a dorm room.  I was pleasantly surprised that the girls were doing a legit warm up, as opposed to their usual sitting on the floor and gossiping.  Princess just wiggles in place and yammers on about Creepy Coach Ray.

Apparently he's an "expert choreographer" so I'm immediately flooded with a combination of Geza/Martha choreography.  Which is confusing, because I was under the impression that the girls created their routines themselves.  Creepy Coach takes a liking to Wendy immediately, so it looks like the rest of the girls are on their own.  Kaylie chalks up for UB, but the other random gym hoes are too busy sitting on the beam and gawking at her.

Apparently her break up with Austin is a huge deal and everyone cares so very much.  Jordan stomps over and tells them to "Beat it, unless you want one," and I honestly don't know what that even means.  But they scatter, so I guess it works.

Wendy is on FX wowing us with her glorious jumps.  Now, I have to be fair, and acknowledge that for MIOBI actor standards, this half leap thing is miles better than what the other girls can do.  I appreciate that the producers found a girl who, lisp and all, clearly had even the smallest bit of a dance background.  The Creepy Coach is still an idiot though, because not only does he wear his pants up to his armpits, but he also thinks the issue with Wendy's leap is that her legs are bent.  This is the first time in all of MIOBI that the legs are actually NOT bent.  This issue is that it's a hair over 90 degrees and about an inch off of the ground.

It looks like she has a belly tumor.  Creepy Coach is quick to step in and give her a fix.

OK, so while I appreciate what they were going for with this demonstration, I'm quite horrified.  Creepy Coach is all "You should feel this while you leap," as he juts his boner into her hip.  Now, it's a decent arabesque position, I guess, but no, you should not feel that position while you leap. 

Coach Mac informs Jordan that it's her turn to work with Creepy Coach, but she quickly opts out by saying her shoulder needs work, and that she needs to go see the physical therapist STAT.  So they do have therapists there?  That has yet to be seen.

I love how we're starting to see the exact same establishing shots in each episode.  We are quite obviously back at the USATC hospital, with the doctor and his nurse strolling into the building.  Kaylie and Princess Payson catch up to Lauren just as she's being rolled into surgery.  They sit around bored in the waiting room until Hippy Doctor comes out and tells them that everything went well.  He explains that while the procedure was successful, Lauren still does have some abnormalities on her EKG, which in itself is pretty normal.  Princess Payson keeps butting in, because apparently she has her doctorate and knows more than Hippy Doctor himself.

Wendy is busy cruising the internet for pills.

So, a few things.  Now, having never purchased drugs online, I'm not 100% on this.  But I want to say that buying pills with pseudoephedrine in them at least requires an ID, online or not.  Have you ever tried to buy Sudafed at the pharmacy in person?  You basically have to sign away your life before they let you take any of that shit home.  Second, does that box in the picture not say "DOES NOT CONTAIN PSEUDOEPHEDRINE" on it?  Or am I making that up?  I feel like Wendy isn't going to get very far with her whole drugging scheme this way.  All the same, she buys the pills.

The next day, we're at the gym, and we see Princess Payson working out for the first time in weeks.  She's doing her lame old ballet shit on FX, and Creepy Coach tells her that her routine is just OK, and that she'll make a great table setter in London.

Now, most girls would be thrilled with a verbal confirmation that they are being seriously considered for a five-person Olympic team.  Especially if said girl is clearly not in shape and works out the least out of everyone.  But not Princess Payson.  She has a meltdown, and gives a variety of snotty faces.

She reminds us that she's the anchor, the best, the one who is counted on to bring home the gold.  BITCH, SINCE WHEN?  Since the show has started, have we ever seen her win anything?  I remember her eating mat at Nationals, failing her petition to the National team, sucking it up at Worlds, and messing up her latest "Elimination Day" test on beam.  Why in the world does she think she's the best on this team, worthy of a spot at all, let alone the anchor spot on any event?! 

Coach Mac tries to explain this to her, that her best has not been good enough.  She insists that he train her harder.  No, how about you SHOW UP TO TRAINING ONCE IN AWHILE?  Then maybe you won't suck so much and have to go first.  Yes, weeks before the Olympic Trials is a great time to realize that you're not that great, and to think about making adjustments.  Coach Mac is way too nice to her, and explains that team gold comes first.  Not in Princess Payson's world.  No sir.

Princess takes out her rage on some celery and carrots, which she is inexplicably chopping in the middle of the gym.  She is insulted, and STUNNED that Coach Mac doesn't see her "as the star of the team!"  Which she says to Kaylie, who is arguably the star of the team.  Kaylie is also way too nice to her, and calmly explains that she should be thrilled that she was more or less told she would make the team.  Princess Payson is super condescending and is all "Yeah, great, whatever.  I mean, I know Lauren would sell her hair if it meant she could be in my position.  But I want GOLD.  Individual GOLD.  And I want it more than you, more than Lauren, more than anyone.  ME.  I want, nay, DESERVE that medal more than everyone else!  Including you." 

Princess reminds us that "There's only one gold medal."  And here I thought that there were six.  Silly me. 

Lauren rolls up to the gym totally pumped to practice.  Princess should take note, but instead, she gets all obnoxiously excited when Stalker Rigo texts her.  Then she looks at Kaylie and is all "Don't worry, Kaylie.  One day, if you're lucky, you'll find true love, just like me."  

Even Kaylie, ever the calm one, is all "Thanks Payson, you dumb bitch."

Lauren is in the office getting her ass chewed by Coach Mac.  He doesn't want her working out until she's cleared by her doctor.  He explains that sometimes injuries happen, and that sucks.

While Lauren's Olympic life hangs in the balance, Princess fucking Payson is romping outside with that stalker Rigo.  He wants to talk about their relationship, but she manages to parlay that into Coach Mac considering her a lead off gymnast.  Does she ever ever ever not talk about herself?

While Kaylie is in her room having a meltdown over Austin, Wendy is busy making a pseudoephedrine smoothie.

Another thing that someone in MIOBI-ville will do that could possibly kill another person.  But she'll never be caught or punished, I'm sure. 

The following day, Lauren and her weird wrestler friend are trying to relax so that she can pass her stress test.

Later on, Princess accompanies Lauren to her stress test with Hippy Doctor.  He explains to Lauren that while she's recovering extraordinarily fast, she's still not well enough to handle the stress of training.  Well, not if Princess has anything to say about it.  She continually questions and attempts to correct Hippy Doctor.  She suggests that Lauren train and compete her elite level routines while he stands there and monitors her.  You know, forever.  And I mean, since you have wireless phones and wireless computers, why couldn't you quickly invent some sort of device that could wirelessly monitor her?  Thank God for Princess Payson and her quick thinking. 

Princess is burnt out from all her thinking, so she takes a break to slow dance with Rigo next to a bonfire on campus.  Some music comes on, and she suddenly becomes Britney Spears.  A really shitty, narcissistic Britney Spears.  She does this really horrible and uncomfortable dance for Rigo.

I don't what it is about this scene that makes me cringe so very much.  Maybe it's that she went from virginal, innocent Payson to Slut Princess in like a week.  Maybe it's because I don't understand when she had the time to take dance lessons.  It's possibly the fact that she doesn't break eye contact with Rigo during this entire dance, and that makes me think she's about to kill him.  He's clearly uncomfortable, but when Princess asks if her dance was stupid, he says no (yes) and tells her that's what her FX should look like.  All fucking righty then.

Lauren gets to try her wireless monitoring device the next day at workout.  I don't know why she has her leotard pulled halfway off in front of her father, but she does.

Everyone is gathered around to see how her heart will handle a beam routine.  Everyone except for Creepy Coach and Wendy, who are busy in the background doing God knows what.

Lauren mounts the beam, and does a smattering of skills.

"Point yo' toes."

Hippy Doctor stops her before she can dismount.  Apparently four random spikes are OK, but five is bad news.  The pie chart tells us that.

Creepy Coach is busy working with Wendy while Jordan looks on nervously.

Lauren shares with Princess that for the first time, she was actually kind of scared while she was on beam.  Princess immediately reminds us of her back injury, and shares the story of how she made it back.

"I'm Princess motherfucking Payson.  I'd say it worked." 

Jordan is in the physical therapy room, administering therapy on herself, per the usual.  Creepy Coach comes in and is generally creepy.  After he leaves, she throws a table.  OK.

Keeping up with the Rock tradition, Lauren is in the gym after hours with that wrestler kid.  They are sitting on the floor, visualizing her beam routine.

He walks her through her routine, which he happens to know by heart.

My, that's a lovely dismount.  Princess Payson shows up to break up the party.  Lauren is kind and helps her with her new slutty choreography that will totally bump her up from table setter to anchor, because she's such a STAR. 

Jordan is in the dorm room knitting, as awesome people are want to do.  Kaylie tries to talk to her, but gets that Jordan just isn't in the mood to chat.  Wendy comes barreling into the room, bragging about how Creepy Coach invited her out to eat, over to his place, and calls her the next Shawn Johnson.  This enrages Jordan, and Wendy accuses her of being jealous.  Jordan stomps out in her skinny jeans and heels.  Kaylie follows in her skinny jeans and heels.  Jordan marches out to the parking lot and finds Creepy Coach's car.  Then she unleashes the badass.

She grabs a pipe and beats the shit out of his car.  Kaylie weakly yells at her to stop,  but Jordan just keeps going to town.  As she goes on, she breaks down, and goes from badass to sobbing mess.

Jordan's character has been pretty one dimensional up until this point.  I was shocked to see her freak out as well as she did.  In a series full of crummy wannabe crying, she really knocked this out of the park.

Of course, she tells Kaylie that she was molested by Creepy Coach, which is BRAND NEW INFORMATION and nobody could see that coming at all for the past six episodes.  Predictable as it was, Jordan still did a huge service to the scene.  Kaylie, not so much.

I couldn't tell if Kaylie was laughing or crying.  But she is supportive, and tells Jordan that she believes her, which is what she needed to hear.

Here is my huge, huge huge huge beef with this scenario.  It's cool if ABC Family wants to touch this sort of situation.  Maybe it will help someone out there.  But if this whole thing is wrapped up neatly in the next episode, which it will have to be because it's the last episode ever, then that pisses me off.  I mean, that pisses me off to my core.  If there is any resolution OTHER than Creepy Coach getting hauled off to jail, I will be seriously pissed off.  There is no other option.  Adults need to be told, and the molester needs to go to jail.  If we spend the entirety of the last episode watching Kaylie convince Jordan to tell, but then Jordan never does, I'm going to be pissed off.  If the man is not in jail by the end of the episode, I'm going to have a rage stroke.

I guess the cops were on watch, because they show up and the girls run off.  If they waste any of the new episode having Jordan get arrested for window smashing while wearing a leotard or some shit, I will be seriously pissed off. 

Only one episode left.  One sad little episode.  Just one.

Until next week, friends, may your legs be straight and your leaps be 90 degrees!

now i realize this room is america's #1 destination for cheap, sappy moralizing, but your insensitive behavior is about to subject you to a whole new level of preachiness.

Folks, we are only two weeks away from the selection of the Olympic team.  No time to waste!

We open up with a shot of Wendy Batshit looking particularly crazy. 

I'm over the hashtag bullshit that we keep seeing.  The ABC Family logo also makes her look like she has a tiny white mustache.  Instead of working out, like everyone else, Wendy is surveying her competition in the gym.  She is in a paltry third place on the pyramid, and that simply will not do.

Instead of working out, Kaylie and Princess Payson are staring at Jordan, who is actually practicing on beam.  She does a whopping 1 1/2 dismount off of the Big Betty beam, so Kaylie and PP are super blown away by how "fierce" she is.

In an attempt to make amends, PP demands that she and Kaylie suck up to Jordan, since she thinks they'll all be on the team together.  The girls make a half-assed attempt at an apology, but Jordan pretty much blows them off.  Kaylie is like "Whatever, she always does this shit to me," and Princess, looking for any excuse to talk about herself, is all "Ugh, that's just like me and Lauren.  She's so mad at me, and I can't handle anyone being mad at me, no matter how badly I destroyed their life!"  Wendy overhears all this shit, and gives more demon face.

Lauren and her horrible fur slipper boots are still stuck in the USATC hospital, where she is finally given a diagnosis of her weird heart issue thing.  Something called SVT.  And it's so bad, she's going to need open heart surgery.  Now, I'm not going to pretend I know anything about anything, but from what I understand, open heart surgery for this condition is like amputating the entire leg for a sprained ankle.  Oh, and not only does she have to have super risky open heart surgery, but it's also going to take her months and months and months to be able to do even the most mundane of activities.  Naturally, Lauren has a bit of a meltdown.

Back at the dorms, Wendy Batshit is doing the annoying innocent thing, and tearing up some lettuce for Jordan's pet bunny, which is actually pretty fucking cute.  She shit talks Lauren and her unnecessary heart surgery while also managing to trash Kaylie.  Even Jordan doesn't really care, and is all "Fuck this bitch, I'm outta here," and takes her cute bunny friend with her.  After Jordan leaves, Wendy turns back into psycho demonface Wendy.

She activates the sprinklers and floods the entire joint.  And like every other character in this universe, I'm sure there will never be any punishment for her insane behavior.

Kaylie and Austin are taking a stroll in the rain while Austin discusses how flashy, super difficult and original his iron cross is.  An iron cross is his plan for gold.  Very well.  I guess the way things work at the USATC is that you don't really have to practice any set routines.  You just make up whatever you want, and perform what you feel like on the "elimination day."  Coaches have no say in anything, nor do they spot, so I'm not sure why they're there at all.  Austin admits that his FX isn't up to par, but he's not worried because he has like a day left, and that's plenty of time to create and perfect a FX routine.

Austin and Kaylie notice all of the fire trucks outside of the dorms, so they race inside to find out what's going on.  The fire chief explains to Coach Mac that everything is trashed, so some of the girls will have to share rooms.  Wendy suggests that she and Jordan move in with Princess and Kaylie, which Coach eagerly agrees to.  Wendy moves in with Princess, and of course, Jordan with Kaylie.  Everyone is just thrilled with this arraignment. 

Daddy Tanner is in Princess Payson's room, packing up the rest of Lauren's things.  Princess is, of course, lamenting about how Lauren won't forgive her, or let her up into her hospital room.

Never once does Princess say "Gee, how is Lauren holding up?  Is she OK?  How is she feeling?"  No.  All we hear from this bitch is "But why is she so mad at MEEEE?  I was just trying to help!  She's mad at me for all the wrong reasons!"  Who gives a fuck WHY she's mad at you?!  Her dreams were just crushed, give the girl a little bit of time.  Fuck's sake.  Princess takes this opportunity to remind everyone about her back surgery, and how not long ago she was the one everyone cared so much about.  Oh yes, I do remember that.  You had a crippling injury, had miraculous surgery, and were able to run a 5k like a week later.

Daddy explains that there is this one special hippy doctor who does have the ability to fix Lauren's heart using this fancy new non-invasive technique, but won't consider doing the procedure on high level athletes.  This does not compute for Miss Princess.  She figures that since athletes' hearts are generally healthier, then why wouldn't this doctor be chomping at the bit to chop them open?  I mean, repairing a Lamborghini is probably exactly like repairing a Volvo.  Same thing.

After dealing with the insufferable Princess, Daddy makes his way back to the hospital to see his daughter.  He brings Lauren her childhood toy, which is apparently an untouched sock monkey that looks like it was bought from Walmart a day prior.  You know what my childhood toy (stuffed Grumpy Bear) looks like now?  Death.  He's hanging together by threads.

Lauren is not impressed.  So Daddy brings out his second surprise.  Sister Mary Summer.  FML.  Sister Mary Summer's all "Hey Lauren, I'm back!  I know I told you that I would never leave you, but I did.  Sorry about that.  Hey, do you know what would make you feel so much better and solve all of your problems?  Praying!"

Lauren is all "OMG Summer, I don't feel like fucking PRAYING right now!  Leave me alone."

Back at the dorms, Princess and Kaylie are sitting in some sort of luxurious lobby, surfing the internets.  Princess explains to Kaylie that she's searching for this hippy doctor who stupidly refuses to operate on athletes.

I mean, it's not like surgeons have to worry about malpractice suits or being sued for other shit.  He's an "out of the box" thinker, so why wouldn't he want to jeopardize his career to operate on a gymnast?  Who cares that he's not confident enough to do so?  Who cares if Lauren dies under the knife?  At least Princess would feel better because she tried.  And really, isn't that all that matters? 

Kaylie reminds Princess that Daddy already tried to convince Hippy Doctor, but Princess is all "Well, yeah, but he hasn't heard it from ME.  Hearing it from ME, Payson Keelor, will make all the difference."  So she stalks him.  She finds out that he's at a retreat where any sort of technology or communication is forbidden.  The retreat is right outside of Santa Fe, which is "only three and a half hours away!" 

We catch up with the girls the next day at the gym.  Instead of working out, Jordan is in the office having a chat with Coach Mac.  He's all "You're good, but you're a shitty teammate.  Fix that."  

Kaylie is skipping practice entirely, and is instead hiding out in Austin's room, giving him a shitty massage.

If I ever went into a guy's room, and saw that he had a bunch of framed pictures of himself topless on the wall, I would run.  I would run very fast.  Poor Austin's flashy iron cross has stressed his delicate shoulders.  Are there no trainers or therapists at this place?  They have billion dollar dorms, but can't afford a masseuse?  Austin theorizes that if he waters down his FX, then his shoulder will be healed and he'll have no problem performing his flashy iron cross.  Kaylie is all "Hey, here's an idea.  Why don't you come into the gym after hours with me?  I will help you design a new FX, since coaches don't exist.  It's one day until your elimination, so now is a good time to redo your routine."  Austin's totally down for it.

Princess Payson has also ditched practice, and is instead going on a forbidden road trip with that stalker, Rigo.  She insists that Kaylie cover up for her, and lie to the coach, putting both of their Olympic bids in danger.  She got Lauren into trouble this way, so it's only fair that Kaylie get the same kind of treatment.

Kaylie goes back to her room, and has it out with Jordan.  She explains that she's still butthurt that their coach from when they were 12 paid more attention to Jordan than to her.  Probably because he was molesting her.  Jordan fights back, and mentions that one time Kaylie freaked out because she couldn't get ice cream with Jordan and the coach.  I'm assuming ice cream is code word for molesting.  They blow up, calm down, and realize that they're actually still friends.  Kaylie is relieved, because she needs to tell someone about Princess Payson's illicit road trip.  She confides in Jordan, who agrees to help cover for Princess.  Princess gets what Princess wants.

Wendy Batshit comes into the room, and Jordan jumps up to prevent her from discovering that Princess is gone.  They make up some bullshit about Princess being sick, so they should all leave her alone.

I like that Lauren looks like shit for once.  Instead of parading around a hospital in Uggs and nightgowns, she looks like she's actually been in a hospital for awhile.  Sister Mary Summer tries to get Lauren to go on a walk with her, but Lauren is all "Good try.  I know you just want me to walk my ass down to the chapel."  Sister Mary responds "No, I wasn't trying to do that.  But now that you mentioned it... talking to God about this would totally fix everything."  Lauren gets pissed.  "You know what?  I've asked God for a shitton of stuff, and he never gave me shit!"

Sister Mary tells Lauren that "It doesn't work that way," and it is the one and only time I have ever agreed with her ever.  That simple sentence says more than all of her preachy tirades ever could have.

Kaylie and Austin are having a late night workout, just like back in the Rock days.  Now, Austin's old pass was a RO-BHS-whip-2.5.  But, if he changed it to a RO-1.5-front full, that would totally save his shoulder.  Because less twisting is easier on your shoulders, I guess.  Austin acknowledges that the 2.5 is much flashier than the 1.5, and that is what he's going for.  Flash flash flash.  Kaylie reminds him that he could totally blow his shoulder out doing the 2.5, and then wouldn't even be able to do his flashy iron cross.  Then where would he be?  Whatever Kaylie says goes, so he gets up to show off his new pass.

Totally the same guy.  One pass is enough practice for tonight, so Kaylie takes a moment to give Austin a gift: a framed page from her journal detailing the night she told Austin that she loves him.  Awww.  I don't give a fuck.

Rigo and Princess have been riding all day, and stop about an hour outside of Santa Fe.  So by all day, I mean two hours.  It's getting dark, so they set up camp.  Apparently there is room for a tent and a change of clothes in Princess' tiny backpack.

Stalker Rigo suggests that they zip their sleeping bags together and bone.  Princess explains that she's saving herself for a gold medal.  As she explained to us in Season One, boning will give you hips and boobs, which Princess doesn't already have.  So Stalker Rigo is all "OK." but Princess still wants to tease him by insisting they zip their sleeping bags together. 

It's the next morning, and Jordan is hiding out in Princess Payson's bed, pretending to be Princess so Wendy Batshit won't discover their little scheme.  Wendy is insane, but not stupid, so she acts as if she's talking to Princess and shittalks Jordan.

Sister Mary Summer explains to Daddy that Lauren is in a bad place.  

Instead of working out, Kaylie is chillaxing, waiting for Austin to show up and tell her how he did at his elimination day. 

He shows up, and immediately goes on about how awesome he was.  He nailed his not-so-flashy 1.5, but it was so awesome that he didn't even have to do rings or show off his flashy iron cross.

Hmmm, yes.  I'm sure this turns out well.  We'll find out for sure when the list goes up at 4pm.

Lauren wakes up from a nap, and finds that weird wrestling kid staring at her, watching her sleep.

But he brought Otis, so it's OK.  It's actually kind of a cute scene, creepy as it may be.  So I won't make too much fun.

Stalker Rigo and Princess Payson are finally riding up to the retreat where Hippy Doctor is staying.  They run into a guard at the gate, who asks them if they have a reservation.  Princess is all "No, but I'm Princess motherfucking Payson.  I need to talk to a guy."  The guard calmly informs them that the whole point of a retreat is to GET THE FUCK AWAY from crazy bitches like Princess.  In fact, Hippy Doctor spent a shitton of money for a little bit of time to himself.  Princess is all "Um... I'm Payson.  Can't you just call him?" and the guard is all "OMG, you dumb bitch.  I just said that there's no talking in the whole joint.  Thus, I cannot call him.  Good day."  

Well, Princess Payson has never let someone's wishes or requests get in her way before.  She devises a plan to break into the Marilyn Manson compound.  It's easy peasy.

She'll just vault her ass over the stone wall.  Sounds about right.  This is an exact conversation between Princess and Stalker Rigo.

Rigo: "And if he says no, do we burn the place down?"
Princess: "He's not going to say no!"
Rigo: "I hope you're right..."
Princess:  *snatchy tone* "I know I'm right!"

Could she be any worse?  She lands on the other side of the wall, and starts hunting around the Manson compound like she's Katniss fucking Everdeen.  

Back at the hospital, Daddy and Lauren have a touching conversation about how he loves her unconditionally, Olympian or not.  It's one of those given things, but it's always nice to hear.

When did Lauren become the stud of this show?  I don't know, but I like it.

Back at the Manson ranch, Princess enters Hippy Doctor's shack, uninvited, of course.  She just stares at him until her acknowledges her grand presence.  She explains why she's there, and instead of having her arrested for trespassing, he quickly explains why he is refusing to do the procedure on Lauren.  Princess is all  "Well, how do you know for sure that it won't work?"  and he's all "It's not that I don't know that it won't work.  It's more that I don't know that I won't kill her.  I am not comfortable doing this.  Accept that."  

So Princess continues to question him.  "How could her heart be that different?  She's just an elite athlete, after all.  Why won't you do this extremely risky procedure?  Are you so concerned about ruining your average?  I know you're a renowned doctor and all, but I'm Princess motherfucking Payson.  I think you should do this surgery.  Otherwise you're a coward.  A handsome, British coward.  I googled you, and I thought you were amazing. But you're not very brave at all."

She goes on to insult the one man who could help her.  She really is so delusional, and so entitled that she thinks her own beliefs and convictions outweigh those of a man who is highly skilled at what he does.  Her faith in a man that she googled will surely be enough to will him through this risky heart surgery. 

I hate this bitch with the heat of a thousand suns.

Back at the hospital, Lauren finally breaks down and prays, and the sun comes out from behind the clouds and life is all good again.

Princess and Stalker Rigo are back at the dorms, unfortunately, and Kaylie wants Princess to dish on her illicit night with the stalker.

She admits that she didn't bone Rigo, but she wishes she had.  I wonder where this is going.  Daddy shows up at the room, and asks for Princess to come see Lauren.

It's 4pm, and you know what the means: Austin's elimination list is up.  And bitch looks pissed.  He got cut, so he flips out and blames everything on Kaylie.  He realized that a pathetic 1.5 probably wasn't enough to make an Olympic team.  Yes, it's insane that he blames her, but at the same time, it's so satisfying.  Maybe because it's the first time this season that he's shown an ounce of personality.

Of course, Wendy Batshit witnesses this whole thing, so she runs back to the room to tell Jordan all about it.  Jordan tells her to shut her face and stop shittalking, because they're a team, there's no I in team, blah blah blah.

Princess shows up to the hospital, and Lauren apologizes for everything.  Happy music plays.  Lauren explains that she's accepted that sometimes God's answer is no, and that she's OK with not making the Olympics.  But then, guess who shows up?  Hippy Doctor!  Of fucking course.  He was totally convinced/threatened by Princess Payson's bullshit stalking thing, so now he agrees to at least examine her.  And I'm sure he'll do the procedure and everything will be fine, and Princess will again get whatever she wants.  Again, I feel like none of this was done for Lauren's benefit.  This was done so that Lauren couldn't have a reason to be mad at Princess anymore.  Now Lauren will owe Princess Payson for the rest of time.

Kaylie shows up with an "I'm sorry you didn't make the Olympic team" cupcake for Austin, but it's clear that he has packed up all of his shit and cleared out.  He did leave a box of crap for Kaylie, including the framed journal page that Kaylie had so lovingly given him.

Poor Kaylie.  On the opposite side of the love spectrum, Princess Payson is celebrating her latest victory by boning Stalker Rigo inside of a tent which is inside of a dorm room.  Trashy.  Not flashy.

Now she's going to have hips and boobs AND a front tuck mount on beam.

What a waste of an episode.  There are only two left, we don't have TIME for this bullshit.  One would think that mere weeks away from selection that the girls would be doing, oh, I don't know, GYMNASTICS.  Not once did we see Kaylie, Wendy, or Princess work out.  Jordan did one front tuck on beam.  One front tuck does not a gold medal team make.

If there really is a God, or a magical wishing statue named Otis, then Princess will not make this team.  I hate her worse than Emily, I really do.  I would rather a pregnant Emily be on this team than stupid old Payson.   I hate that bitch.

Until next week, friends, may your beams be fat!