i even had a sex dream about a shrub that was in the shape of a person.

Happy Make It or Break It Recap Day!  Did you get to spend a nice hour feeling sufficiently uncomfortable?  I know I did. 

Every week, I like to think that this show could not possibly get any worse, any more awkward or any more ass backwards, and every week I am proven wrong. 

Speaking of ass, this week starts us off with Lauren checking out yet another one of the guys ABC Family tries to convince us is attractive.  He ain't.

That doesn't keep Lauren from staring at his good stuff while participating in one of those "compliment circles."  Payson is in the middle, and everyone is blowing smoke up her butt about how STRONG she is, and how talented she is.  She doesn't give a crap, and neither do we.  So she also takes a moment to check out the unattractive new boy on the rings. 

The exercise turns into a huge bust when Lauren gets in the middle, and everyone calls her out for being a huge homewrecking slut.  Fake Dawes decides to switch things up a bit by starting a NEW time-wasting exercise.  This time, she wants all the girls to buddy up, and switch routines.  Switch skills, choreography, everything.  Well that sounds like a fine idea.  I'm sure it's very wise to pretend to be someone else and chuck a bunch of skills you've never done before.  Of course, Payson and Lauren are paired up, so Payson will have to learn to be slutty, and Lauren will have to learn to not be a horrible snatch every minute of every day. 

Emily doesn't even bother trying to pair up with anyone, she just immediately waddles over to Fake Dawes and complains about not having a partner.  Never fear, because Emily can partner with Coach Fake Dawes herself!  After all, part of her job description is to play on the equipment and rehash her glory days.  And she DID win the Pacific Coast Classic, whatever the fuck that is, about ten years ago.  So wowee.  Emily, being Emily, begins to bitch and moan, until Fake Dawes shuts her up by saying she needs to sit down and STFU, because she's running out of chances.  That Emily is just such a rabble rouser! 

Next, we find ourselves attending some sort of recovery meeting with Kaylie, and a host of other misfits.  One particular misfit is giving a cliched monologue about wanting to be perfect.  I am bored, and Kaylie is too. 

We need some Skinny Minny on the scene, STAT, because I pretty much hate every other person on this show.  Especially the monologue misfit, who stalks Kaylie after the meeting, and tells her how much she loves gymnastics.  She/Joan Ryan asks if all gymnasts really have eating disorders, and Kaylie shuts her down by telling her how fucking stupid it is to assume that. 

Thankfully, for Kaylie and myself, the Minnster shows up at that exact moment, fresh out of rehab.  She kidnaps Kaylie so they can go work off some of that rehab fat.

We're back at the Rock, and in the first of many, many ass/crotch shots in this episode, we see that Lauren has taken a note from Carly Patterson and purchased herself a child's leotard that is seven sizes too small.  The girls are still whining about having to do this routine swap thing, which I would be doing too, since it is pretty fucking stupid.  Lauren admonishes Payson because she hasn't yet learned how to approach the sport as a grown woman.  This is when the episode shows heavy signs of Bruno Grandi-ism, in that it seems to be pushing for these high school girls to be as sexy as possible. 

The unattractive new boy saunters up to the girls, and after Lauren pretty much sprays herself on him, Payson gives us one of her patented creepy smiles.

Lauren's not about to let some creepy smile steal her new man, so she calls dibs on the kid, so that she may continue her quest to bone every single thing in sight.

Back at the Tanner household, Daddy finds the full DVD of Payson kissing Sasha and burns a copy, while flaring his nostrils a bunch of times.

Kaylie and Skinny Minny attempt to sweat off some of that rehab fat they gained.  Skinny Minny explains how the clock is ticking, as professional models have a very limited window of opportunity in which to make the big bucks.  Kaylie can definitely relate, and worries about wasting time while her parents are keeping her out of the gym.  Skinny Minny, in a subtle, realistic way offers Kaylie some over-the-counter asthma medication, which keeps her energized, and "not munchy." 

I actually quite loved this moment.  I mean, not for what it's saying.  Jacking other people's drugs is bad.  But the nonchalance, the every-day reality of being offered someone's medication seemed pretty accurate to me.  This, coming after the whole "Payson's gonna stab herself in the back with street cortisone" fiasco, was rather refreshing. 

Kaylie is a champ though, and politely declines the meds.  They briefly discuss Austin Tucker, and how sad it is that his sister had a "real" eating disorder.  Kaylie regrets fake-admitting that she had a problem, because now her parents think she, in fact, has a real problem.  Skinny Minny, ever the friend, tells her to turn her parents against her therapist, and she'll be back at the gym in no time. 

Speaking of the Rock, we get back just in time to see Fake Dawes reliving her glory days by showing Emily her horrifically cheesy floor routine from the 2002 Pacific Coast Classic, whatever the fuck that is. 

Props to the actress though, for showing us her own leap, although I have no idea what that leap would actually be called.  I love how in the background, the random extras are lounging on the beams, as the kids at the Rock are inclined to do.  Then, a half second later, a different girl is mid-routine on the beam, and another girl is doing some weird squat position that we see several other times in the episode.  FAIL, editors.  It's called continuity. 

Over by the beams, we see someone who is very obviously NOT Payson do some back handsprings.

Lauren is on her beam, showing Payson her "sexy" routine, which includes moments such as the body roll (which is actually quite nice, done by the actress herself,) the excessive butt shaking, some bending forward, and then a horrible split on the beam with unsquare hips. 

Payson tries to mimic the routine, but just isn't sexy enough!  Whatever will she do?

Lauren notices the boys watching, so she shows them, and us, her crotch a couple of times. 

Austin Tucker moseys on over to Payson, and gives her some creep ass schpiel about her being afraid of being sexy, and how he can totally help her with that.  Again, I'm pretty fuzzy with ages in this show, but I'm pretty sure he's like 21, and she's about 16. 

Emily stomps home, late from practice, and greets her awesome mother full of piss and vinegar.  She stalks Demon's webpage, and then cries about how horrible her life is.  Bitchface Chloe tries to make her feel better, but Emily is a huge snotty brat, and takes everything her mother says the wrong way, until Bitchface Chloe snaps and gives her an awesome bitchface. 

As if she can't figure out why Emily is *just now* becoming a huge insufferable bitch.  Oh, yeah, it's totally the pregnancy hormones doing this.  Like she wasn't a horrible child before all that.  I'm going to be pissed if they blame her whole attitude, the one she's had since the beginning of the show, on being knocked up. 

Over at Case de Cruz real quick, Kaylie attempts to turn her parents against her therapist, while the Crypt Keeper wears a fur vest. 

At the Tanner household, Daddy is sitting on the couch, staring at the DVD he burned, which proves that Sasha was right all along, and that his daughter is a horrible human being.  Lauren comes home, and freaks at Daddy for stealing the DVD.  He threatens to tell on her, but Lauren calls his bluff, because telling on her would mean telling Summer, and Summer freaks out and runs off at any situation which is less than Godly and perfect.  So pretty much, Daddy yet again gets the shit manipulated out of him.  

Payson gets home, and practices being "sexy" in front of the mirror in her bedroom.  I love how she has pics of the 2007 World team taped up there.  Also, what appears to be Sam P. comforting ASac after she fell in 2008?  What an odd moment to have taped on your mirror.  Payson asks her mom about being "sexy," to which her mother replies that yeah, she's just not sexy.  Then she checks out her own ass in the mirror, and walks off.  Payson places a 911 call to who we find out is Austin, finally asking him for that "sexy" help he had so kindly offered earlier. 

Payson and Austin meet up alone at the gym after hours, which I'm sure is normal and totally allowed.  Payson gets on beam, and attempts to do Lauren's routine, which obviously she totally fails at.  She did get the crotch shot in there though. 

Creepy Austin Tucker asks Payson what turns her on.  You cannot make this stuff up, people.  He has her smell a couple of random viles that he must carry around with him, and then makes some judgments based off of her liking the smell of cider, but not vanilla. 

He then continues the creepiness by asking her to focus on her "second chakra," ie, her crotch. 

According to the wise and molestery Austin Tucker, the "second chakra" holds the center for sexuality, creativity, and self worth. 

Lemme make sure I have this straight.  My creativity and self worth come from my crotch?  I do hope children are watching this. 

Austin then suddenly becomes Miss Jay, and tries to teach Payson to walk like the sexy beast every 16 year old should be.

Austin finishes up by telling Payson to get down on all fours.  Um, for future reference Austin, most girls need a little talking into before they drop down like a dog.  But not Payson here.  They both get on all fours, and act like cats until Payson catches on that this is creepy as hell and gets the fuck out of dodge.  She admits that she will never be sexy like Lauren, and if that means she doesn't win, then so be it.  You go Glen Coco Payson. 

Back for some Skinny Minny time at Casa de Cruz.  Skinny is visiting for dinner, during which she and Kaylie manage to pick at their food and never really eat any of it.  She shmoozes with Papa and the Crypt Keeper, convincing them that the therapist is full of crap, and Kaylie needs to return to the gym ASAP. 

Also having a lovely family dinner, the Tanners plus Summer are discussing whatever it is rich people blather on about over dinner.  Wine vintages, probably.  Summer asks Daddy what he's so uptight about, and he moans that he raised a horrible excuse for a daughter, and wonders how Summer is so perfect and amazing.  God, obviously. 

The following day, we're at the Kmetko's, where Emily (blech) is being a snotty little teenager and snooping through her mother's purse for no apparent reason other than just to be a horrible child.  She stumbles upon Bitchface Chloe's "Bambi" nametag, and a napkin for "Bodacious Boulders," the *gasp* STRIP CLUB that her mother works at.  OHNOES! 

At the Rock, Lauren is going to just throw Payson's UB routine, as elite gymnasts do from time to time.  You know, chuck some high difficulty dismounts that they don't normally work on.  Notice how when Lauren's double does the full-in, she flings it way out and just about falls forward.  But when Lauren "sticks" it, she's just a hop away from the high bar.  Funny how that works.  Also, notice the extras in the background.  I'm pretty sure the guy in the red turned into a chick. 

Austin again approaches Payson, but this time admits that he was a perverted scumbag, and tells Payson that she is, in fact, sexy.  She admits that she's not, but will "fake" being sexy Lauren with military precision.  They talk about Kaylie for a hot second, when behold, Kaylie walks into the gym.  She and Austin have some little bitch fit, and then she marches back outside to tell Skinny Minny all about it.  Skinny tells Kaylie to go for Austin, go for her dreams, remember to not eat, etc and so on.  No time for dilly dallying, because Skinny is off to Milan!  And as she drives off, Kaylie reaches out one hand, and lets the tip of her fingers remember the feel of her best friend's car as she slowly drives away.  Yeah, I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen to that friend.  Jeez, give it away much. 

Emily, who has not been seen doing gymnastics once in the past three episodes, blows off practice because she absolutely MUST find out where her mother is working.  She somehow gets into the strip club, in the middle of the day, I might add.  I thought Bitchface Chloe worked at night?  I know it's daytime because she just left the gym, and also there are some BEAT strippers working the poles. 

Bitchface Chloe, who is BARTENDING and not even stripping, sees Emily and just about shits herself.  Emily has the typical bitch fit, and whines and moans how this somehow affects HER, as if her mother got some low rent bartending job just to piss her daughter off. 

This scene here just brought Emily to the top of my most-hated characters list, maybe tied with Lauren.  I don't know, I might actually hate Emily more.

If her mother was a hooker, then *maybe* I could see where Emily would get off as being concerned.  However, that isn't the case.  She's a bartender who shows off her jugs in order to support her whiny ass daughter's stupid dream that she's going to throw away by getting knocked up anyway.  She then has the AUDACITY to sass off, and guilt trip the talented, vivacious Bitchface Chloe, who is working tirelessly to support her daughter's shitty little lifestyle.  I hate Emily.  Yup, she is my #1 hated right now. 

I also love how the show is too cheap to pay to use the liquor brands on the show, so they erased to "O" in Stoli, and turned the other bottles around.  Check it in the second pic.

Meanwhile, the gym goes on with their stupid "copy my routine" bullshit in the name of team building.  Lauren performs Payson's UB routine, without much in it, other than the fab hecht 1/2 transition from the 1989-1992 compulsory routine.  I do wish we'd see more of that skill these days. 

Next, it is Payson's turn to do Lauren's beam routine.  Everyone wonders where Payson is, until we hear the "sexy" music start.  Here comes Payson, all dolled up like Lauren, with the Nastia high ponytail and everything. 

She struts over to beam, and even I have to admit, she doesn't look bad.  Lauren looks like a tool when she wears the ponytail and makeup, while Payson looks super cute. 

Payson gets on beam, and does all the sassy, "sexy" things that Lauren does, but just a lot better.  I love the head kick, which proves that the actress who plays Payson might have actually been some sort of ballerina, as was widely reported.  I was kind of digging her cute routine, until she tossed in the most massive butt shelf I have ever seen.  That pretty much ruined it for me.

That's probably what I looked like as I was watching.  Or maybe like this.

Despite being totally embarrassed, Payson is pretty pumped by her ability to slut it up as needed.  She is rewarded when the unattractive new guy asked her to go with him to Moose Juice.  She declines, mentioning she has to go visit a friend, but offers to take a rain check.

Daddy comes into the gym with the forbidden DVD with the intent of finally telling Summer and ruining that bitch Lauren's life, once and for all.  Lauren freaks the fuck out, and cries and moans and further manipulates her father, until he once again caves in like the pussy he is.  Lauren cries it up real nice, in the first of what I like to call our "Crying Trifecta."

Next on the list is Emily.  Gross, she is the "friend" Payson was talking about.  Payson, being a good friend, comes over so that Emily can piss and whine about how her life is SO horrible, and how absolutely dreadful it is that her mother got such an unsavory job.   Payson tells her to STFU, and that most people deal with having some fucked up lives.  She mentions herself, never getting to see her Dad because he works in Minnesota (HEYO!) so that he can pay for her back surgery.  Oh remember that?  Yeah, snapping your back might be a tad worse than your mom having a job you don't approve of.  Next, Payson mentions Kaylie, who is also kind of messed up right now.  Emily waves that off, saying it's different, because Kaylie doesn't matter and Emily does.  Emily then breaks down, in what is shockingly a rather honest moment.  She admits that she boinked Demon, and that she's in love with him.  What was a nice moment evaporates immediately and Emily again becomes the self-centered bitch that she normally is.  Payson tries to dumb it down for her, and explains yet again that they are special kids who are giving up their lives in order to achieve their dreams.  How many times is Emily going to need to hear that before the DUMB BITCH UNDERSTANDS??  I swear, it's like Groundhog's Day in the Kmetko household. 

And wrapping up our Trifecta of Tears, Kaylie has another meltdown after her parents maintain that she is not allowed to return to training.  She tries to call Skinny Minny for support, but learns that, in the shocker of all shockers, Skinny Minny up and died in the middle of the Denver airport.  Dammit.  Go figure they'd kill off the one person I like.  If they do anything to Bitchface Chloe, I will stop watching this show. 

And there you have it.  Lots of tears, even more crotch, and so little gymnastics.  Now I'm off to take a hot shower, as I'm feeling pretty dirty for having watched this episode at all.

once on a dare, i swallowed a thumbtack. and i'm about 90% sure it's still there.

Aren't you as excited as these three are?  You should be, because we've got another SUPER AWESOME episode of Make It or Break It for you!  Seriously.  SUPER awesome. 

Let us waste no time.  We begin with Kaylie in rehab, learning she has gained, *gulp*, three pounds.  Yeah, she's real thrilled about that.  If you'll recall, she's faking her recovery with the aid of Skinny Minny, her supermodel roommate.  I happen to love Skinny Minny, because she is one of the very few subtle, enjoyable characters on the show at the moment.  Isn't she supposed to be the bad influence?  That sucks, because I love her.  She commiserates with Kaylie, because Fashion Week is next month, and asks if she hears the thunder, because it's her thighs.  The boring recovery leader babbles on about how "Art therapy is a way to express oneself authentically and spontaneously," to which Skinny Minny whispers to Kaylie, "So is purging." 

Don't pretend you didn't laugh.  I know I did.  The girls BS some analysis of their "art therapy" doodles, and Kaylie continues her education from Skinny Minny on how to fool those stupid counselors.

Back at the Rock, we see the few real gymnasts throwing some random skills around the gym.  Oh yes, everything is random because after Sasha's departure, there is no coach at the Rock.  In the interim,  Payson has assumed the role of head coach, and seems to get off on bossing little girls around.  She also bosses Emily and Lauren around, and leads their conditioning.  And by leads, I mean stands above them and barks orders.  She's not actually doing conditioning with them, which... girl, cmon.  You need conditioning.  Sit down and do a sit up or two.  Alas, she cannot, because she's off to help some little girl with her roundoff.

Lauren hates this shit, because she hates anything that doesn't service her personally, so naturally she's whining about Payson's leadership abilities.  But it doesn't matter anymore, because Daddy bought her, I mean the gym, a brand NEW coach!

Darby Conrad, heretofore referred to as Fake Dawes, is a hip, young two-time Olympian (So stupid.  Dawes went THREE times, assholes.)  Daddy hired her due to all the "qualified" coaches already being on contract to other gyms.  Oh, also because Fake Dawes was Lauren's big sister or some such at gymnastics camp, so they already know each other and are super tight.  Whatever makes that poor Lauren's life easier. 

Payson's pissed, because she knows that this is some dumb shit.  Fake Dawes walks into the gym, and she and Lauren have one of those really annoying, high-pitched, squealy reunions.  Daddy and Lauren then parade their new coach to the middle of the gym, where she can give an opening speech about how awesome everyone is, and how amazing this is, and how empowered all women should be. 

She lets the group know that she's too cool too impose any rules, like in-times or dating.  The girls are just such powerful goddesses, and should be able to make those decisions themselves.  Summer becomes a tad ruffled, because we all know how much she hates the idea of teenage girls dating and having any sort of control over their lives.  But THEN, Fake Dawes finishes her speech with a calm "Namaste."  Summer is PISSED.  Because she, like the rest of us, knows that namaste yoga crap is basically voodoo for saying "I pray to something/someone else other than God."  HAIL TO THE NO. 

In the office, Summer and Daddy remind Fake Dawes that this gym lives by rules, and by oppression.  Fake Dawes says eff you, as Summer and Daddy take turns rolling their eyes. 

THIS NEXT CHUNK IS A SPOILER.  IF YOU ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO HASN'T READ THESE SPOILERS YET, DO NOT CONTINUE ON.  OR READ FOR THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO.

As most of us have read, SOMEONE in this cast gets knocked up.  Whoever could it be?  Lauren, the raging slut who has never seen one consequence result from her actions?  Payson, who tried to hook up with her coach?  Or Emily, the emo, depressed teenager who would do anything to just make all the pain go away?  Wonder no longer. 

Are they even trying to hide her baby bump?  Either that, or she has terrible posture.  Lauren must not notice her belly, because she gives Emily a hard time about not putting out for Damon.  Girl, I would not either.  The kid looks like a hobbit.  Emily explains it away by reminding us, AGAIN, that Damon is in Los Angeles to record an album.  We get it.  Your boyfriend's in LA trying to make it big.  The good news is, even though she doesn't get to hook up with her starving artist boyfriend, at least her parole officer dropped her house arrest.  That, plus the Rock no longer having any rules, means PAR-TAY!  Lauren reminds Emily that Damon's not going to sit and be her emotional crutch forever, and that she'd better put out ASAP.  Message received. 

Fake Dawes joins the cool group, because she's just so young and hip.  Lauren tries to convince her new coach/BFF that she's actually the team captain, and as such, she'd like to make a few changes around the gym.  Such as changing the gym colors to pink and purple.  Um, bitch, have you not HEARD of Nastia Liukin?  I don't think she'd be down with you creating a pink gym, that's all I'm saying.  Payson and Lauren squabble about who the actual team captain is, until Fake Dawes decides that the girls will compete for the title. 

OMG, Emily finds out that Damon is back in Boulder.  Couldn't hack it in LA, huh?  Payson responds with one of her patented creepy smiles. 

Emily's thrilled, since she can now go bone her boyfriend without getting arrested or breaking any rules.  I'm a little fuzzy on ages here, but I'm pretty sure HE can still be arrested, so just something to think about, Em. 

It's the end of workout, but Fake Dawes is putting on some grips, and about to show off on UB.  She doesn't show much, aside from some bent-arm giants and a toe-on front dismount.  It's funny watching the guest stars try to fake the skills, because we've grown so accustomed to our lead cast faking their skills.  You almost take their ability to fake a glide swing for granted, until you see someone who hasn't been on the show for awhile try. 

Lauren agrees, that's going to be a lovely glide.

 

Back at rehab, Kaylie pulls off a stellar performance and convinces her parents and counselors that she is on her path to recovery.  With such, she is allowed to go home, but only on the condition that she'll attend an out-patient treatment six days a week.  Which doesn't sit will with Kaylie, because, um, when is she going to train?  Everyone decides that it is in her best interest not to train for awhile, which naturally, Kaylie freaks at.    

Ugh, time for some more Emily-Damon crap.  They're at the Spruce-Moose, or whatever it's called, having juices and discussing how much they love each other and how awesome it is that Emily is now allowed hang out and bang Damon.  

Fake Dawes is apparently staying with the Tanners, which is weird.  FD comes in to say thanks to Lauren for letting her stay, as if it's Lauren's house and Lauren hired her.  No wonder she feels so entitled.  Lauren takes this opportunity to tell Fake Dawes that Payson hates her and thinks she's a lousy coach. 

Out in the living room, Summer and Daddy have some wine, and wonder who leaked the picture of Payson kissing Sasha.  They have a lover's quarrel about Sasha, and end up making their relationship official.  They tell Lauren, who is thrilled that she'll finally have a mom. 

Damon is so creepy, I can't even stand it.  I've decided, he is from now on referred to as Demon. 

The lovebirds look up at some fake stars, and talk about wishes.  Except neither of them have any, because all they want is to be together and in love, which they are.  Emily, being the cold bitch that she is, ups and runs before they can get to any good stuff. 

Emily comes home, only to find that asshole NGO guy sitting on her couch.  Now, given how dolled up Chloe was, and how smarmy this guy looked, I was kind of hoping that maybe Chloe had persuaded him, if you will, to keep Emily on the national team.  You know what I mean.  Unfortunately, that was not the case, and now the asshole NGO guy wants Emily to sign a contract saying she'll continue to be a loser and never get a life.  That's the only way she'll prove that she can be a successful gymnast, is if she doesn't break all of those RULES and complies.  

The first stipulation is that Emily WON'T WORK.  Nothing is worse than a teenage girl having a part time job.  NOTHING.  Chloe busts out another one of the best bitchfaces in the game. 

No time for all that, we have to get to the Rock, and compete for the title of TEAM CAPTAIN!  But not before we warm up with a little yoga, led by Fake Dawes herself.

Despite being centered, Emily's having a meltdown because she has to abide by rules again.  Payson shuts her down, and congratulates her on following the same rules everyone else has been following all along.  Normally such a response would provoke one of those constipated worry faces from Emily, but she gets over it right away, and tells Payson she just HAS to beat Lauren.  Payson tells Emily not to sweat it, because she is SO motivated. 

See that motivated face?  I know I'm convinced.   

Before we can enjoy this meet, we first must jump back to the Cruz household, where Mama Cruz is marching Kaylie down to her in-home recording studio, in an attempt to get Kaylie into singing as a new hobby.  It's obviously a shrine to her own younger years, and Kaylie is not down with this idea at all.  

I'm pretty sure her mom is actually the Crypt-Keeper.  Kaylie continues to get more agitated that she's not allowed to train at the Rock, and begs her dad to let her go to the gym.  Papa Cruz repeats that they're just trying to help her get well, to which Kaylie responds by chucking the nearest object at one of her mother's wall plaques.  She's obviously quite well. 

Back at the Rock, we see Payson visualizing her vault.  What complex trickery, show editors!   

Here's where things get fun, and all Make It or Break It-y.  You'll notice in her visualized vault, her double does a handspring front with a half twist, so that she ends up facing the vault.  Lovely vault.  When Payson competes, however, we see her double do a handspring front, very obviously without the twist, therefore facing away from the table.  So imagine my surprise when Payson sticks her vault facing the vault.  This is the fine work from Make It or Break It that we have grown to love. 

Lauren follows with a full twisting yurchenko ("Chenko", as Payson would say) that is full of whoosh-whoosh noises, but not before some dialogue about showing Payson some "power moves."  Oh yes, Payson is now exclusively an artistic gymnast, and not a power gymnast.  Because you cannot be both. 

Lauren is up on UB, with a forgettable routine, sans a nice piked jaeger.  But she nails her dismount, so Payson decides that in order to follow such a "powerful" routine, she'll need to do the... wait for it.... shaposhnikova.  Egads!  Emily reminds her that she hasn't performed the "power move" (??????) since she broke her back on it at Nationals, but Payson doesn't give a shit.  She's in it to win it. 

The entire Shap business would be laughable enough on its own, but Emily has to go and make it even better by gulping with a "Here it comes..." not before the transition move, but before the dismount, which is a double twisting flyaway.  Good try there, editors. 

Lauren's all whatever, don't you forget I'm queen of the beam, which I would be too, if I got to compete on

BIG BETTY BEAMS

That ain't no four inches wide!!  What would Tim Daggett say?  That's the widest beam I've ever seen.  We used to call these Big Betty beams back in my day, and we weren't even allowed to go on them.  So why the girls are working out and competing on them is beyond me. 

In an attempt to scare Lauren, Payson mentions that she has a double arabian dismount now.  Lauren calls BS, because, um, that's a power move.  And Payson does NOT do power moves.  Nevertheless, Lauren lets Payson know that she'll be doing a tuck full mount, so suck on THAT. 

Emily and Payson worry that such a mount will pretty much kill her, so they beg her not to do it.  Payson even offers to concede the title to Lauren, but Lauren does not accept.  She wants to win by showing off all of her hot moves.  She starts by nailing the mount, and then proceeds to flick a few wrists before launching into a BHS LOSO LOSO LOSO <3<3<3<3.  Not hearting the wrist flicks, but the pass. 

Too bad that she misses a foot on her last LOSO, and in a result FUCKING SPLATS onto the mats. 

Jesus, even Kerri Strug never splatted so hard.  Get yourself together.  She does not finish the routine, she just gets up and walks away. 

Payson follows with a short, boring routine, featuring a nice RO LOSO, a couple of leaps that we can't see, and a front full dismount.  It was a clean, if not a great L8 routine. 

Fake Dawes, who has been overseeing this little "meet," decides that in order to empower everyone, that the girls will be co-captains.  Lauren immediate flies into bitch mode, and stomps off. 

Back at Moose-Juice, Emily relays all of the new gym gossip to Kaylie, who then has to listen to Emily whine ON and ON about Demon.  Kaylie, being the normal, rational girl tries to convince Emily that maybe she should hold off on hooking up with the creep.  Ever the classy lady, Emily responds with "I love him!" to which Kaylie answers with a covered up chortle, which is what I do throughout most of this show.  

But because Kayie's cool like that, she listens to Emily, and then offers to help Demon out with a recording studio.  He can just use the one in her house.  That way, she can just hang out down there with him, and her parents will think she's partaking in some "art therapy." 

Lauren, still raging from not being given the sole team captain position, stomps up to Daddy and bitches him out.  He explains that he didn't buy HER a coach, she's a coach for the whole gym.  Lauren, ever the ungrateful little bitch, cries and threatens to tell everyone what she did, which of course was leak the Payson-Sasha pictures to that hoe Ellen Beals.  Lauren then sums up her entire existence by moaning

"You owe me everything, and I owe you NOTHING!" 

I hate that bitch so much.  Meanwhile, Kaylie shows Demon around her studio, and is all cool and awesome, while his girlfriend Emily is all stupid and lame.  I'm excited to see where this goes. 

Finally, Emily shows up at Demon's, who I'm assuming lives on top of a rave or something, because why are there flashing pink and purple lights?  Does Nastia know about this?  She runs over to his bed, and tells Demon that she is ready to hit the sheets, rules be damned.  Oh, and also that they can't date anymore, because that asshole NGO guy made her sign some contract.  Demon doesn't give a fuck, he gets ready to bone her anyway. 

And that, friends, is where my favorite weekly drama leaves us.  Whoever knows what we might find next week?  Bigger beams, bigger bellies?  The sky's the limit!