MIOBI: 1.9 - Lauren's Skanky Bag

There have been a lot of boring MIOBI episodes, but this is legit top three.  And by top three I mean bottom three.

We begin with our obligatory "Emily berates her beautiful, perfect, selfless mother" scene.

Emily doesn't approve of Bitchface Chloe's methods of making ends meet, which in this one case involved hitting up an old flame for a cash loan.  And yes, that old flame rolled up to their place like five minutes later, so I'm sure he's actually pretty damned sketchy. 

I mean, the guy holds a coffee cup by the bottom of the mug.  Who does that???  Random Joe, apparently.

We are reminded that Emily is the boss, the judge, jury, and executioner of all who surround her.  Bitchface may think she's making adult decisions for herself and for her family, but what she's really doing is embarrassing her snot-faced entitled teenage daughter, and that simply will not do. 

Over at the Rock, Lauren has rolled up in her sexy pinup hair.  Messy spirals are the BEST to flip around in.  Kaylie tries to bemoan her loss of communication with Creepy Carter, because how could anyone possibly focus on gymnastics when she can't even talk to her boyfriend?!  Princess Payson's all "Cut the shit, I couldn't possibly care less."  Kaylie's like "Wow Payson, super job being a supportive team captain."  Lauren is caught in a different stretch in every shot, but the main one is your typical ass-in-the-air shot.

Lauren asks Payson how her back is doing, so in response, Payson rips off her full UB, sans any warmup, while some bastardized ABCFamily version of "Beautiful People" plays in the background.  She's all "My back is great, BIATCH."  #drugs

Payson's Mom and the Cryptkeeper have a little woman-to-woman chat in the viewing area.  Between just us ladies, neither of them can see the point of this silly no-dating rule.  The Cryptkeeper is all "Oh, Payson's Mom, you are so lucky that Payson is a lesbian and you don't have to deal with these issues."  Both ladies agree that Coach Sasha must never know about the Grand Party Punching.

So of course we immediately see Sister Mary Summer marching haughtily away from Coach Sasha's trailer.  I'm totally 100% sure she wasn't meddling in affairs that had nothing to do with her.  So sure. 

Coach Sasha calls Creepy Carter over, and demands to know which under-aged Rock Girl he boned.  Creepy does a little smell-the-fart acting before we mercifully fade to black.

Coach Sasha holds a gym meeting to publicly slut-shame the to-be-named Rock Girl.  But in the absence of a name, he instead turns his focus to Creepy Carter, who is heretofore suspended from The Rock, and thus cannot compete at Nationals in a few days.  THE HUMANITY.  I'm guessing we'll all survive.

No time for all that, because the team event rankings (??) are about to be posted.  In this alternate universe, teams compete at Nationals, and each team competes one event at a time, their top ranked gymnast up first.  OK.

Kim, Brie, Jade, Robin, and Gina are probably PISSED that they're traveling all the way to Boston to do nothing.  More importantly, did you see how LAUREN is ranked over PAYSON on beam OMGGG??  Scandal.

Payson immediately storms up to the office and wants to know why Sasha would dare to place Lauren before her?  Sasha is all "She's better than you are.  Accept that."

Then he adds in with "PS. Try a little humility sometime.  No way in hell you're going to be team captain, you self-centered little prick."

 Armed with new-found confidence, stemming from both her recent placement and boning Creepy C which led to her front tuck mount, Lauren is breezing her way through another beam routine when Sister Mary Summer sashays into the gym.  The two are super besties now, so she smiles and waves to her new mother, while Daddy Tanner is understandably confused.  Sister Mary explains that all it took was calling off their engagement, due to Lauren's intense fear of abandonment.  Daddy Tanner swears up and down that he has no clue where Lauren's mother is, and Sister Mary is like "Cool story bro, it took me 70 seconds on Google."   Daddy Tanner is not impressed, and reminds Sister Mary that it's NONE OF HER MOTHER EFFING BUSINESS, which is a central theme of this episode.  Lauren of course wanders over during this exchange, only to hear that her father does in fact know where her mother is.

Kaylie is in her bedroom having a conniption, still over that filthy Creepy Carter, when the Crpytkeeper comes in and tells her that she has arranged a tryst for the two lovebirds.  Kaylie immediately forgives anything her mother has ever done, all because she is just so desperate to get her dainty paws on that neanderthal Creepy Carter. 

Back at the Kmetko household, Random Joe is playing video games with Brian on a brand new flat screen TV.  Emily comes roaring through the door, in a blind rage because her tireless mother has dared to have an adult relationship with someone regardless of her teenaged daughter's approval.  THE NERVE.  

I remember thinking this way before I had my son, but now I'm even more enraged, because I'm sorry, in my life the PARENTS ARE THE PARENTS and the CHILDREN ARE THE CHILDREN.  Yet in each of these screwy families, at least one parent is being just destroyed by his/her child, and it's embarrassing.  Manipulative, that's what this is.  

In direct opposition to Emily's disgust at being shown any affection by her mother, Lauren lays in bed alone, paging through old family photos.  She does so while cradling the very same sock monkey that my infant son has (full disclosure: his is wearing a Wild uniform.)

Daddy Tanner comes in, and gives Lauren her mother's contact information.  With little hesitation, Lauren reaches for her phone, and speaks to her mom.

 It's the following day, and as per the usual, the Rock Team is casually stretching and jabbering while other elite girls are actually working out. 

 Lauren is balls to the wall excited because her mother promised to come see her at Nationals.  Kaylie uses this break in training, because it's not like their entire day is one big break, to skitter outside to meet up with Creepy Carter on the sly.

She sprints into Creepy's arms, and immediately disowns gymnastics, saying all she wants is Creepy Carter.  "Let's run away and get married and have babies!!!"

Creepy figures this is as good of a time as any to tell Kaylie that he porked another girl.

Emily strolls home, when she encounters the vivacious Bitchface Chloe leaving a situation in the boudoir, if you will.  Emily is rightfully outraged, because it's not like her mother is a full grown woman or anything.  The child should always be the boss of the parent, I always say.  Emily begins to berate her mother, as per the usual, when Random Joe tells her not to speak to her mother like that.  I'm on Random Joe's side here. 

I want to light my computer on fire, throw it out the window, run it over with a truck, take the rubble and light it on fire again, and then throw the ashes in a lake, just so I don't have to watch Emily fucking Kmetko do or say anything ever again. 

While Emily is busy shunning everything her mother ever does, Lauren is patiently waiting for her mother to arrive at the bus station. 

So of course her mom never comes off that bus, and it's all heartbreaking.  But yes, Emily Kmetko, let's hear more about how awful it is that your mother loves you so much. 

But Lauren rallies with her typical quickness, and heads over to Payson's place.  Already there is that awful Emily Kmetko.  Kaylie is officially missing, and the remaining three are left to figure out where she went.  But no parents or police though. 

The girls sleuth their way to Kaylie's location, via a voicemail left on Lauren's phone.  So they head off to Gymnastics Camp, which is roughly three hours away.  Payson is pissed, she doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve her directly, let alone sit in a car for three hours. 

Kaylie shares that Creepy C told her about the boning.  Lauren's all "Uhhh, he didn't tell you who he boned, huh?" and Kaylie's all "Nope.  Just some slutbag at the party."  Payson does some math, "Wait, was everyone boning at that party?"  All eyes turn to Lauren.  It clicks. 

Each girl pitches her own individual fit, which leads to everyone chucking their keys into the lake.

The parents decide that maybe it's time to gather, seeing as how all of their children are missing and it's after dark.  The Cryptkeeper takes blame, admitting she never should have let Kaylie see Creepy Carter at the gym. 

Payson's Mom wonders how Coach Sasha found out about the couple in the first place, and Sister Mary Summer does not hesitate before stepping up.  Hells yeah she told Coach Sasha.  The Cryptkeeper is all "Are you kidding me?  Is it any of your business?  Is ANYTHING any of your business?"  Sister Mary interrupts, informing the crew that Kaylie wasn't the only Rock girl that Creepy was feeling up. 

The girls hang out under the totally real, absolutely not fake rural Colorado sky.  Since they're all stranded, they start to bitch about being hungry.  Ever the planner, Lauren pulls an energy bar out of her bag.  Kaylie immediately refuses, saying she will have nothing from Lauren's "skanky bag." Lauren's like "Har har, my bag's a huge whore."  It was one of the few times I legitimately laughed at this program. 

Payson rips Kaylie's portion out of her hand, and gobbles it down, much to Lauren and Emily's dismay.

Payson tells Lauren to shut her skinny best-friend back-stabbing face.  Lauren questions Payson's ability as a team captain, given that she's a huge bitch.  Lauren reminds everyone that Kaylie lied about seeing Creepy the whole time, and it doesn't matter because Lauren liked him first!  *side bar- throwing up in small piles over here.* 

While the mothers gather, and I guess we're considering Sister Mary a mother now, they take jabs at one another.  Something about Kaylie getting caught leads to multiple hurumpfs from Bitchmaster C, seeing as how Kaylie is not the only one boning behind backs, now is she?  The Cryptkeeper fesses up.  The ladies step up and tell her not to beat herself up, shit happens. 

The girls share a similar storyline around the campfire.  Kaylie shares that her mother boned Old Coach Don'tFeelLikeLookingItUp, which is why Daddy Tanner had him sent to Denver.  Lauren didn't know about any of this.  What Lauren does know, and shares is that her mother is a drug addict, in an out of rehabs until she was just done with their family.  Emily, Kaylie, and Lauren turn to Payson, and remind her that her mother is "Such a mom!"  

She then goes into this whole sob story about how if she didn't make the national team this year (this year being 2009, mind you) that she could kiss 2012 goodbye.  *cough* Gabby Douglas *hacking cough haccghk*  And then we suffer some stump speech about how hard it is to be a gymnast, need team, no fat, etc and so forth.   They're more than friends.  They're a team.

The find some stump they carved their initials on, promising they'd all three be at the 2012 Games.  It's Payson's great idea to add Emily to the stump.  I'll bet that stump is pissed.  It was a stump for OLYMPIANS, not a stump for entitled teenaged mothers. 

The mothers are waiting by the buses in the morning, praying that their girls will get there before Coach Sasha does. 

Here they are. 

The girls have decided to name Emily as team captain.  Maybe because she wants it the most?  Very much an Amanda Borden situation, I see this now. 

They all board the bus, which I'm assuming they're just taking to the airport, right?  It's not like they'd bus out to Boston.  Wait.  Is someone missing?

/scene.