MIOBI: 1.9 - Lauren's Skanky Bag

There have been a lot of boring MIOBI episodes, but this is legit top three.  And by top three I mean bottom three.

We begin with our obligatory "Emily berates her beautiful, perfect, selfless mother" scene.

Emily doesn't approve of Bitchface Chloe's methods of making ends meet, which in this one case involved hitting up an old flame for a cash loan.  And yes, that old flame rolled up to their place like five minutes later, so I'm sure he's actually pretty damned sketchy. 

I mean, the guy holds a coffee cup by the bottom of the mug.  Who does that???  Random Joe, apparently.

We are reminded that Emily is the boss, the judge, jury, and executioner of all who surround her.  Bitchface may think she's making adult decisions for herself and for her family, but what she's really doing is embarrassing her snot-faced entitled teenage daughter, and that simply will not do. 

Over at the Rock, Lauren has rolled up in her sexy pinup hair.  Messy spirals are the BEST to flip around in.  Kaylie tries to bemoan her loss of communication with Creepy Carter, because how could anyone possibly focus on gymnastics when she can't even talk to her boyfriend?!  Princess Payson's all "Cut the shit, I couldn't possibly care less."  Kaylie's like "Wow Payson, super job being a supportive team captain."  Lauren is caught in a different stretch in every shot, but the main one is your typical ass-in-the-air shot.

Lauren asks Payson how her back is doing, so in response, Payson rips off her full UB, sans any warmup, while some bastardized ABCFamily version of "Beautiful People" plays in the background.  She's all "My back is great, BIATCH."  #drugs

Payson's Mom and the Cryptkeeper have a little woman-to-woman chat in the viewing area.  Between just us ladies, neither of them can see the point of this silly no-dating rule.  The Cryptkeeper is all "Oh, Payson's Mom, you are so lucky that Payson is a lesbian and you don't have to deal with these issues."  Both ladies agree that Coach Sasha must never know about the Grand Party Punching.

So of course we immediately see Sister Mary Summer marching haughtily away from Coach Sasha's trailer.  I'm totally 100% sure she wasn't meddling in affairs that had nothing to do with her.  So sure. 

Coach Sasha calls Creepy Carter over, and demands to know which under-aged Rock Girl he boned.  Creepy does a little smell-the-fart acting before we mercifully fade to black.

Coach Sasha holds a gym meeting to publicly slut-shame the to-be-named Rock Girl.  But in the absence of a name, he instead turns his focus to Creepy Carter, who is heretofore suspended from The Rock, and thus cannot compete at Nationals in a few days.  THE HUMANITY.  I'm guessing we'll all survive.

No time for all that, because the team event rankings (??) are about to be posted.  In this alternate universe, teams compete at Nationals, and each team competes one event at a time, their top ranked gymnast up first.  OK.

Kim, Brie, Jade, Robin, and Gina are probably PISSED that they're traveling all the way to Boston to do nothing.  More importantly, did you see how LAUREN is ranked over PAYSON on beam OMGGG??  Scandal.

Payson immediately storms up to the office and wants to know why Sasha would dare to place Lauren before her?  Sasha is all "She's better than you are.  Accept that."

Then he adds in with "PS. Try a little humility sometime.  No way in hell you're going to be team captain, you self-centered little prick."

 Armed with new-found confidence, stemming from both her recent placement and boning Creepy C which led to her front tuck mount, Lauren is breezing her way through another beam routine when Sister Mary Summer sashays into the gym.  The two are super besties now, so she smiles and waves to her new mother, while Daddy Tanner is understandably confused.  Sister Mary explains that all it took was calling off their engagement, due to Lauren's intense fear of abandonment.  Daddy Tanner swears up and down that he has no clue where Lauren's mother is, and Sister Mary is like "Cool story bro, it took me 70 seconds on Google."   Daddy Tanner is not impressed, and reminds Sister Mary that it's NONE OF HER MOTHER EFFING BUSINESS, which is a central theme of this episode.  Lauren of course wanders over during this exchange, only to hear that her father does in fact know where her mother is.

Kaylie is in her bedroom having a conniption, still over that filthy Creepy Carter, when the Crpytkeeper comes in and tells her that she has arranged a tryst for the two lovebirds.  Kaylie immediately forgives anything her mother has ever done, all because she is just so desperate to get her dainty paws on that neanderthal Creepy Carter. 

Back at the Kmetko household, Random Joe is playing video games with Brian on a brand new flat screen TV.  Emily comes roaring through the door, in a blind rage because her tireless mother has dared to have an adult relationship with someone regardless of her teenaged daughter's approval.  THE NERVE.  

I remember thinking this way before I had my son, but now I'm even more enraged, because I'm sorry, in my life the PARENTS ARE THE PARENTS and the CHILDREN ARE THE CHILDREN.  Yet in each of these screwy families, at least one parent is being just destroyed by his/her child, and it's embarrassing.  Manipulative, that's what this is.  

In direct opposition to Emily's disgust at being shown any affection by her mother, Lauren lays in bed alone, paging through old family photos.  She does so while cradling the very same sock monkey that my infant son has (full disclosure: his is wearing a Wild uniform.)

Daddy Tanner comes in, and gives Lauren her mother's contact information.  With little hesitation, Lauren reaches for her phone, and speaks to her mom.

 It's the following day, and as per the usual, the Rock Team is casually stretching and jabbering while other elite girls are actually working out. 

 Lauren is balls to the wall excited because her mother promised to come see her at Nationals.  Kaylie uses this break in training, because it's not like their entire day is one big break, to skitter outside to meet up with Creepy Carter on the sly.

She sprints into Creepy's arms, and immediately disowns gymnastics, saying all she wants is Creepy Carter.  "Let's run away and get married and have babies!!!"

Creepy figures this is as good of a time as any to tell Kaylie that he porked another girl.

Emily strolls home, when she encounters the vivacious Bitchface Chloe leaving a situation in the boudoir, if you will.  Emily is rightfully outraged, because it's not like her mother is a full grown woman or anything.  The child should always be the boss of the parent, I always say.  Emily begins to berate her mother, as per the usual, when Random Joe tells her not to speak to her mother like that.  I'm on Random Joe's side here. 

I want to light my computer on fire, throw it out the window, run it over with a truck, take the rubble and light it on fire again, and then throw the ashes in a lake, just so I don't have to watch Emily fucking Kmetko do or say anything ever again. 

While Emily is busy shunning everything her mother ever does, Lauren is patiently waiting for her mother to arrive at the bus station. 

So of course her mom never comes off that bus, and it's all heartbreaking.  But yes, Emily Kmetko, let's hear more about how awful it is that your mother loves you so much. 

But Lauren rallies with her typical quickness, and heads over to Payson's place.  Already there is that awful Emily Kmetko.  Kaylie is officially missing, and the remaining three are left to figure out where she went.  But no parents or police though. 

The girls sleuth their way to Kaylie's location, via a voicemail left on Lauren's phone.  So they head off to Gymnastics Camp, which is roughly three hours away.  Payson is pissed, she doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve her directly, let alone sit in a car for three hours. 

Kaylie shares that Creepy C told her about the boning.  Lauren's all "Uhhh, he didn't tell you who he boned, huh?" and Kaylie's all "Nope.  Just some slutbag at the party."  Payson does some math, "Wait, was everyone boning at that party?"  All eyes turn to Lauren.  It clicks. 

Each girl pitches her own individual fit, which leads to everyone chucking their keys into the lake.

The parents decide that maybe it's time to gather, seeing as how all of their children are missing and it's after dark.  The Cryptkeeper takes blame, admitting she never should have let Kaylie see Creepy Carter at the gym. 

Payson's Mom wonders how Coach Sasha found out about the couple in the first place, and Sister Mary Summer does not hesitate before stepping up.  Hells yeah she told Coach Sasha.  The Cryptkeeper is all "Are you kidding me?  Is it any of your business?  Is ANYTHING any of your business?"  Sister Mary interrupts, informing the crew that Kaylie wasn't the only Rock girl that Creepy was feeling up. 

The girls hang out under the totally real, absolutely not fake rural Colorado sky.  Since they're all stranded, they start to bitch about being hungry.  Ever the planner, Lauren pulls an energy bar out of her bag.  Kaylie immediately refuses, saying she will have nothing from Lauren's "skanky bag." Lauren's like "Har har, my bag's a huge whore."  It was one of the few times I legitimately laughed at this program. 

Payson rips Kaylie's portion out of her hand, and gobbles it down, much to Lauren and Emily's dismay.

Payson tells Lauren to shut her skinny best-friend back-stabbing face.  Lauren questions Payson's ability as a team captain, given that she's a huge bitch.  Lauren reminds everyone that Kaylie lied about seeing Creepy the whole time, and it doesn't matter because Lauren liked him first!  *side bar- throwing up in small piles over here.* 

While the mothers gather, and I guess we're considering Sister Mary a mother now, they take jabs at one another.  Something about Kaylie getting caught leads to multiple hurumpfs from Bitchmaster C, seeing as how Kaylie is not the only one boning behind backs, now is she?  The Cryptkeeper fesses up.  The ladies step up and tell her not to beat herself up, shit happens. 

The girls share a similar storyline around the campfire.  Kaylie shares that her mother boned Old Coach Don'tFeelLikeLookingItUp, which is why Daddy Tanner had him sent to Denver.  Lauren didn't know about any of this.  What Lauren does know, and shares is that her mother is a drug addict, in an out of rehabs until she was just done with their family.  Emily, Kaylie, and Lauren turn to Payson, and remind her that her mother is "Such a mom!"  

She then goes into this whole sob story about how if she didn't make the national team this year (this year being 2009, mind you) that she could kiss 2012 goodbye.  *cough* Gabby Douglas *hacking cough haccghk*  And then we suffer some stump speech about how hard it is to be a gymnast, need team, no fat, etc and so forth.   They're more than friends.  They're a team.

The find some stump they carved their initials on, promising they'd all three be at the 2012 Games.  It's Payson's great idea to add Emily to the stump.  I'll bet that stump is pissed.  It was a stump for OLYMPIANS, not a stump for entitled teenaged mothers. 

The mothers are waiting by the buses in the morning, praying that their girls will get there before Coach Sasha does. 

Here they are. 

The girls have decided to name Emily as team captain.  Maybe because she wants it the most?  Very much an Amanda Borden situation, I see this now. 

They all board the bus, which I'm assuming they're just taking to the airport, right?  It's not like they'd bus out to Boston.  Wait.  Is someone missing?

/scene.

Make It or Break It 1.7

Welcome back friends!  Let's refresh from last time.  Emily totally screwed everyone by performing an UB to her liking, smashed her face on the mat, and lost the meet for the team.  Sasha told her to eff off, and that she was no longer going to Nationals.  Creepy Carter gave Kaylie a necklace, hot dog, and Payson did more annoying shit.

We open with every other girl at the gym already well into their workouts.  Everyone, of course, except for the top four.  Shit, Emily isn't even THERE yet.  She slowly rolls into the gym while Lauren is busy ogling Kaylie's new necklace.  Lauren damn near loses her mind when she hears it's from Creepy Carter, and makes a mental note of where Kaylie puts the necklace in her gym bag. 

There are some dreadful scenes between Sasha and another British woman, but they're just too boring to detail.  I gather she's some sort of media something or another from some agency, and wants to poach girls for her own greedy gain.  What an exciting plot point.

Sasha takes a break from awkwardly flirting with the British lady to introduce her to the girls.  Apparently she's there to film some "Sizzle Pieces," which I'm going to assume is Make It or Break It-eeze for fluff pieces. 

Missing from this pow-wow is one Emily Kmekto, who has been chalking up on bars for about 20 minutes.  Remember back in the first episode, she made a huge deal in Kaylie's brother's car about NOT wearing grips?  She wears them now.  As she longingly stares from the chalk bowl, Sasha catches her eye, and stomps over to yell at her. 

Immediately she turns into teenage brat mode, and starts sassing at her coach.  Not a good idea when you know you screwed the man over, and he's likely totally pissed at you. 

Sasha gives her a speech about how he came to the Rock to coach only the girls "who can compete at the highest level."  He says this with a straight face as some girl does a 45 degree split jump on beam in the background.  All the same, Emily is not up to that standard, so she is not welcome at the Rock.  Oh, well, huh.  You being a huge bitch to your coach didn't work out in your favor?  I'm so surprised. 

Emily wastes no time, and is soon working the day shift at the Pizza Shack with Demon.  She spills her woes to him, and explains that she'll keep training that dismount, oh, she'll keep training it alright.  Then Sasha will HAVE to take her back!  Demon's like "Cool, we'll just break into the gym at night," which I'm sure will have no consequences whatsoever. 

In walk the Rock girls, who we are to believe came right from the gym.  Which explains why Lauren has sex kitten hair.  They make small talk about Emily getting her ass kicked from the gym, when a mysterious old delivery man comes in with the latest beer shipment.  But who is the old man??

Egads!  This begins one of the recurring themes we see during this show, which is "Poor me, my parent has taken an unsavory job just to sustain my impossible dream!"  Payson is, of course, horrified. 

Payson's Mom is also pissed.  I get it, ok, so the guy has been keeping a secret.  But a job's a job's a job, and he's doing it for good reasons.  But sure, let's just keep berating the man who is trying to support his family. 

Over at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie is busy tearing apart her gym bag because she can't find the necklace that Creepy Carter so lovingly gave her.  You know, after her boned her best friend.  She's on the phone with Lauren who is of course at home, wearing the very necklace that Kaylie is missing.

Lauren's psychotic episode is interrupted by Sister Mary Summer, who is apparently babysitting Lauren while Daddy Tanner is away.  OK.  She brings Master Lauren her supper, and notices her pretty new necklace.

Emily is busy with Demon, doing a little breaking and entering.  This show is so full of good lessons.  I mean, Lauren can steal and attempt to murder with no backlash whatsoever.  Now Emily is going to break into the Rock, and I'm sure it will totally work out for her. 

Demon is super excited by the fact that there are springs under the floor.  I'm not going to lie, it's kind of cute.  Isn't that how everyone is the first time they step into a gym?  He asks Emily to jump with him, which she does.  Of course they somehow end up on the floor, seductively laying together.

Oh, ABC Family, don't ever change.  Demon reminds Emily that she wasn't here to work on HIS mount.  A BOOM CHHHHHH.  That was all mine, folks.  She regretfully climbs from underneath the sweaty teen's body, and sulks over to the uneven bars. She explains to Demon what daring move she will be doing this evening, which is, of course, the "full in back out dismount."  I have never once heard that skill referred to as such, but whatever.  I don't train at the Rock, I guess. 

Back at the gym, during the day, Sasha is still painfully flirting with this British woman while trying to explain her "Sizzle Pieces."

Those are your stars!  Just take your pick!  Such artistry, such athleticism.  How is one to choose? 

Since she's banned from the gym, Emily is stomping through her apartment, getting ready to go somewhere else.  I don't care about her.  I care deeply about the dear, divine Miss Bitchface Chloe!

Bitchface Chloe devises the perfect plan to get Emily back into the gym.  Seduce her coach.  Was there every really another option?

Back at the Rock, Kaylie gives zero shits about her training, but gives many shits about her lost necklace.  She is outside, digging in the flowers, as if perchance they lept out of her gym bag and walked outside to freedom, not unlike a scene from Toy Story.  Payson comes out to help her, so Lauren joins the fun by taunting poor Kaylie.  They all three start to talk about the British agent lady, and how many millions of billions of dollars she's made for Kelly Parker.  Payson's ears perk.  She has a plan...

... and so does Bitchface Chloe.  She struts into the Rock office wearing a hot red number, and is all over Sasha.  How he refuses, I simply do not know.  Nor do I care to know.  He shuffles her outside of the gym, and he re-enters his office in horny silence. 

Payson meets up with the British Agent in the parking lot, and lets her know that she absolutely wants to be represented by her.  BA is all "Well that's great!  Talk to your parents." and Payson's all "Oh, right, no, they totally want this too.  Totally.  TOTALLY."  BA takes that as parental consent, and shakes Payson's hand, seemingly unaware that underage children are not able to make deals such as these.

Sister Mary Summer rolls up to the gym, only to catch Kaylie sobbing inside of her car.

Sister Mary asks what the tears are about, so Kaylie explains the necklace.  Sister asks her what the necklace looks like, maybe she can help look?  Kaylie describes the necklace, and a lightbulb flashes over Sister Mary's head.  And she's off.

Back at Payson's place, Payson's Dad has so kindly offered to maintain his family's lifestyle by taking a job back in Minnesota (HOLLER.)  He'll commute, and yes it sucks, but man what a great sacrifice for a parent to make for his family, right?  WRONG.  Unacceptable, says Payson, but never fear.  She has supposedly signed on with British Secret Agent, and will be making bazillions of dollars from here on out.  No fuss, no muss.  Except her parents are normal, and tell her that she's insane.  They won't forgo her chances at an NCAA scholarship just because she might do well at Nationals during a non-Olympic year.  I would like to dedicate this entire episode to Jana Bieger.  Princess Payson throws a fit, because her parents obviously don't give a shit about her, and storms off. 

Back in the dark gym, because I'm sure turning on the lights would totally kill everyone, Demon is busy dicking around on beam.

Wearing socks on beam is a total recipe for disaster.  Someone should have told him.  Emily lands a few more dismounts, and decides it's time to kick it up a notch.  And what better way to upgrade your dismount by adding a release move in the middle of the routine?  She determines that a Jaeger will do just fine.  Hell, why not?  Throw whatever releases you'd like in a dark gym being spotted by some horny pizza boy.  Good decisions all around. 

By the next day, Emily is totally confident in her abilities, and struts into the gym so she can show off her new moves.

No pants, no shoes, only grips.  Get it.  Everyone is silent as Emily rudely cuts across the gym, and pushes ahead on the bars.  I'm sure no one was using those. A crowd gathers to see the spectacle. 

The music swells as she performs her routine seemingly consisting of only the Jaeger and dismount.  What was her routine before?  She receives some polite applause, and greedily turns to Sasha waiting for an apology and heaps of praise. 

Instead of that, Sasha calls her a dog, and tells her he's fresh out of biscuits.  Ouchie.  He tries to end it at that, but Emily continues to scream in front of everyone at the gym.  He calmly walks over to her, and tells her she's a worthless piece of shit.  I'd think it was harsh if I didn't agree with him.  He refers to her as a dog a few more times before she finally takes the hint and hightails it out of the gym.

One of those songs that MIOBI uses incessantly plays as Emily runs away from the gym.  She's going for a lively jog, and heads to the one place where she can leave her troubles behind.

Oh yes!  Remember, Emily learned all of her hot skills at the playground.  Just like Nadia.  So it makes sense that she runs back to her original place of learning.  Now excuse me while I sing "Playground" by Another Bad Creation softly to myself for a few minutes.

Done.  Emily has a gay old time romping around the playground.

Emily finally tuckers herself out, and is chilling on the swings as her mother joins her.  Seems Bitchface Chloe pretty much always left Emily at the playground as a child.  She tries to have a nice moment with her daughter, but instead Emily is a huge bitch and runs off.

Back at the gym, Sister Mary Summer storms in to gather Lauren.  Lauren freaks out, because Sister Mary is wearing HER Olympic rings necklace!  The audacity! 

Sister Mary is all like "Oh, I thought that was what the kids did now, jack each others prized posessions." She threatens to tell Kaylie about the whole thing, but Lauren gets it.  Man I miss cool Sister Mary Summer.

It's nighttime, and Emily has apparently been running around aimlessly in the rain for a good amount of time.  She finds herself soaking wet and banging on Sasha's trailer door. 

She really does resemble a wet dog.  She continues to beg and plead to Sasha, and he's still not buying it.  She cries a little more, becoming increasingly more pathetic, and finally Sasha's all "Jesus, OK!  I'll meet you in the gym."

Emily is in the gym, miraculously bone dry, doing some basic skills on beam at Sasha's command.   He instructs her to fall off the beam, and Emily looks at him like he's on so much crack.  He yells at her to just listen to the fucking words he says for once, and she sasses at him because he's just another man, and every man in her life is horrible and abusive and will leave her.  I would leave her too.  This is when shit starts to get weird.  Sasha starts yelling at her about submission, and I start to get the uh-oh feeling. 

He goes on about "letting him in," and "letting him guide her."  This sounds like porn dialogue to me.  Emily continues to bounce back and forth between sobbing and freaking out at Sasha.  She needs some bipolar meds, like, yesterday.  But now she's back to being nice, and moans to Sasha that she needs him.  "I need you more than I've ever needed anyone in my whole life."  I just barfed in my mouth. 

She's ready to submit to her coach, probably sexually, when he tells her to be at practice in the morning.  She's all "WAIT!  Catch me."  She climbs on the the beam, and waits for her beloved to spot her.

I'm sorry, and Payson was the one to go crazy and smooch her adult coach?  As if. 

Back at Keelor household, Payson is laying in bed as her dad comes in to say goodbye.  He gives this heartfelt speech, and she keeps her back to him the entire time.  Dumb brat.  He says goodbye, and walks out.  He says goodbye to Becca and his wife, when Payson finally wises up and runs out to hug him goodbye. The real scene stealer is Payson's Mom.  She does a great job being both stoic and yet really expressing the pain of watching your spouse head out the door to support your family while you're left at home to keep that family together.  There is a good 4 seconds where Payson seems to understand that she's not the only one dealing with the pain, and the Keelor girls all hug. 

The following day, everyone's back at the Rock.  Lauren surprises Kaylie by explaining that she "found" her missing necklace.  Kaylie orgasms on the spot and lavishes Lauren in all the praise befitting of a best friend.

I love Kaylie, but seriously, that's what you get for wearing your baubles to the gym.  That just screams safety hazard to me. 

Smarmy British Secret Agent is still lurking around the Rock, filming "Sizzle Pieces" when she approaches Emily for one.  Emily's all "Sigh, those are just for girls going to Nationals."  Smarmy Agent is like "No duh.  Sasha said you're one of them.  Now do flips for me."  Cue more sappy music. 

Emily races over the Pizza Shack to brag to Demon about her regained Nationals status.  More awkward sexual tension.  Does this girl have a platonic relationship with any man ever?  I think not.

And that is that, friends.  Oh the fun we've had.

Until next week.  May your necklaces be gaudy and your grips be chalky!