i'm all about finding a freakish depressed kid and showing them what winning's all about.

Hey guys!  Sorry for the painfully long absence.  I've just been... busy.  With drama.  Well, and a new job, but mostly just uninspired drama.  But, I find myself with a day off, so why not write about what I know best: bad hair!

You'd think that with a few major competitions having passed, that I would have something of value to talk about.  This is not the case.  I could tell you who I enjoyed (Mattie!) or who I am sad about (Sami and her poor knees), who scared the crap out of me (Aly's Amanar) and who had the best butt shake (MLT.)  That stuff is all boring.

What needs to be discussed is this EPIDEMIC of horrifying hair.  It concerns me that girls are waking up, walking over to the mirror, and thinking "Hmmm, how should I wear my hair for this nationally televised competition?  I KNOW!  I'll make it look like I just got banged by a pack of frat guys.  That will really accent my lovely lines."

Harsh?  Yes.  Necessary?  Also yes. 

Case in point:

Number one offender is and always has been Sac.

This is an interesting example.  I can't hate on her too much for this, because at least her hair isn't in her face.  But I do find myself asking WHY?  It looks like she has a bunch of spoons attached to her head via this white scrunchy. 

Some odd years later, we have found ourselves with this:

Again, I mean, to be fair her hair is out of her face.  I will give her that.  But WHAT is going on with the rest of this??  Her hair appears to be like a third the size of her actual head.  And it looks stabby.  But I am kind of digging on the little braid she had in there.

If I may get shallow for a minute, we can all admit that we live in a very visual world.  You are often judged on your appearance.  Especially in these corporate days, when everything is about what you can sell, and how much money you can make.

Sac is super marketable.  She has the complete package, and would make whatever sponsors a ton of money.  Hopefully once the media identifies more with her comeback, as opposed to the dreaded BEIJING BEAM FALL of 08, she'll rake in some corporate dough.

However, if it were me, and I'm in charge of some super profitable tween product and I'm paying Sac the big bucks to be the face of said product, I am FORCING her to fix her hair.  Apathy does not sell.  Complacency does not sell.  A girl who is beating the odds and doing everything she can to erase this negative experience she had shouldn't look like she just ... doesn't care.  She should look fierce and awesome and ball-busting.  The eagle's nest is not ball-busting.

Onward.

Our newest little sass queen, Miss Mattie Larson, fell victim to the wannabe bed head on the second night of Nationals.  (Visa Championships?  Tampax Championships?  Accutane Championships?  Bump It Classics?)

Here's my theory.  I say this only out of love, and because we've all been there.  You spend X amount of hours straightening your hair, and making it look awesome, which hers did, on the first night.

I love love LOVE this look.  Relaxed, yet natural.  Very flattering.  It is also secured tightly out of her face, while not being so pulled back and daring to succumb to the controlled cliche that is gymnastics.  Because we just couldn't have that. 

Anyway, we all know what it's like to spend all that time on your hair.  All night long, you get complimented on how awesome your hair looks.  So, what, you're just going to go home and RUIN your artwork by taking a hot shower and washing it?  I think not.

The best of us have mastered the art of getting in the shower, washing everything that needs to be washed, and not getting one hot drop of water in our hair.  Without a shower cap.  Do those things even exist?  I think they're like leprechauns.

Oh, the accomplishment you feel.  It's like defying the hair gods.  You will get away with wearing your newly straightened hair, come hell or high water.

But then the next day rolls around, and it's just... not the same.  You try to get it to look as awesome as it did before, but it just won't.  So, in desperation, we all resort to that ugly, flipped under ponytail look.  It happens to all of us.

Which is why I won't judge Mattie so harshly, not just yet.  We'll see how she looks come worlds.  If she, for some reason, finds worlds the appropriate venue to wear a rat's nest hairdo, then we will have issues.  


In all my hair harshness though, I'm surprised that I don't hate Sloan's hair.  I don't love it, but it doesn't bother me.

It's out of her face, priority number one.  Yeah, it's obvious she's spending a lot of time to make it look messy, ON PURPOSE, but it doesn't look bad.  It's an appropriately sized and shaped bun, and it creates a nice line.

And that's really what it's all about.

you can't feed a child sheet music. i suppose you could, but they'd be dead in a month.

The hair.

THE HAIR. 

I know I picked on mostly NCAA girls last time, but rest assured, the problem does not solely lay within the collegiate ranks.  It transcends borders.

Case in point:

Nicole Hibbert.

I'm not going to lie.  I teared up a little bit while watching the team final for this year's Euros.  GB was so excited, the commentators were so excited, I was excited.  It was one of the first exciting team finals in a long time, and they absolutely deserved their placement.

But this...

THIS!

I'm a Jew, I have a lot of hair.  So the difficulties involving thick buns are not lost on me (hint: LOTS of pins and scalp pain.) 

It's not the Parkette's cornrows.  They're tacky, but whatever, they work.  They keep hair out of the face, and that is always good.  What kills me is the mile-high bun on top of the head.  Aside from turning a very pretty girl (Hibbert is gorgeous, for the record) into one of my pre-makeover gymnastics barbies, doesn't it also, like, eff with her aerodynamics?  It's like if I tried to vault while wearing one of Lady Gaga's top hats on my head.

It would be significantly harder, I would think.

And that's all I have to say about that.

i thought i smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair...

Gym hair.

I am such a stickler for pretty presentation hair, and this weekend's NCAA finals just about gave me an aneurysm.

I mean whatever.  During workout, wear your hair however you want.  Just keep it out of your face, grips, and coach's face, and you'll be fine.  But during a meet... cmon girls.

I'm not saying get all China and hair clip yourselves to death.

But one or two clips and some hairspray never hurt anyone.

It's maddening.  It really is.  You know what else it is?  Karma.  Because when I was younger, I thought it was super cool to wear my hair in my face, and it drove my poor mother insane.  This is the universe's payback.  Make it "hip" to wear your hair all wackadoo and fro-y to these big meets.

I get it.  The "I don't give a crap" look is in.  People wake up two hours early so they can mold their hair into some mess that looks like they just rolled out of bed.  That's just fine.  But these girls... especially the NCAA ones, kind of defeat the whole look when they top their "I woke up seven minutes ago" look with a face tattoo and 70 hair ribbons.

I know you spent time to look like that.  I know you did.  To me, this is no different than the kids who wear their pants down to their butts, or have the Cousin It look that Justin Beiber kid made so popular.  You look like a tool.  In ten years, you're going to see pictures of yourself, and wonder "what the effing eff?"

Girls, this is the big show.  You have fans, parents, and supporters all watching you.  So why do you allow them to be distracted by your MESSY EFFING HAIR???

Example one.

ASac.  We all know you're cool.  You have as much street cred as any elite gymnast is ever going to have.  You punched a guy out on Youtube.  But does that really make you too cool to do your hair?

I'll give you a pass for the Brown hair, as you were probably just trying to fit in with the other "I think I look awesome" NCAA girls.

But at the Olympics??  Really??

"I'm just at the Olympics, yo.  I'll do what I want.  You tell Martha to take her full ponytail and stick it up her ankle-breaking ass."

Like, I am so not a fan of the Nastia hair poof.

But at least the girl tries.  And I actually quite love the side braid.  It shows that you don't need 400 hair clips and a gallon of glitter to show up for a meet.

Let's touch more on NCAA hair.  Now, if judges are allowed to deduct for leotards and bras and nailpolish, then they sure as shit should be able to deduct for distracting hair.  I'm not saying you should be able to deduct for a Silivas-style makeover.  It's not about preference.  But when the hair is in the gymnast's face, whipping around, I think it absolutely takes away from the overall performance.

Example two.

Kyndal Robarts.  My opinion of Robarts can be expressed best by Santana of the popular hit TV show, and my absolute life obsession, Glee.

"You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you."

She is so cute, it hurts my face.  I have no doubt that she just defecates sunshine and rainbows.  But the hair.  THE HAIR!!!!  Number one, it looks like she has sideburns.  Two, she's one gasp away from inhaling the ends of said sideburns.  She took the time to do a mini-poof, brand her face and even throw in a cute ribbon.  Did she take extra time to pull the ends out of her bun, and stick them every which way??  Yes she did.

This seems to be the trend.  I might shellac my hair back, but then I'll haphazardly tie an elastic in, and then see how poofy and stringy my hair can become. 

As seen here:

Here:

And here:

Yeah, Utah.  I'm talking to you.

Seriously.  Putting your hair in a bun is so NOT hard.  And if you care at all about body line, your hair should probably be in a bun.  A bun like this:

Not this:

Or this:

Or this:

Although I do give Sloan credit for trying.  She is the first in a long time in elite to stray away from the hair straightener and back towards the bun.  Maybe next time.

This is more than just my curmudgeonly old opinion.  If your hair isn't secured well, it could very well just flop out in the middle of a tumbling pass.  And then what are you going to do?

So girls, in summation, not giving a rat's ass = looking like a rat's nest.