Best. Leo. Ever.

you wanna party? it's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.

The Olympic year.  So many arguments to have.  Who will win team gold?  What about the AA?  Is Romania screwed now that they've seemed to forgo bars entirely?  How many legs will be broken this year on our way to trials?

As we all know, I prefer to focus on the more superficial aspects of the sport.  Like hair and outfits.  And in my opinion, it is never too early to start trashing discussing leotards. 

Let's start with a controversial topic: #hotpinknation.  I have a very long list of shit I think is stupid.  This is near the top.

Nastia, I will give you credit.  This worked.  FOR YOU.  Back in 2008.  OMG, she won the AA in stunning fashion while wearing her signature color!  It really was a great moment, and probably made you a shitton of money.  But now it is time to let it die.  It was uncomfortable to watch every USAG girl in the following years be washed out while wearing the apparently now patriotic pink.

"Look at me!  I'm the new Nastia!"

Oh my god.  Let it die.  I think I can speak for the entire planet when I say 

STOP TRYING TO MAKE #HOTPINKNATION HAPPEN.  IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

What with Nastia on the selection committee, and for all we know in the UB lineup, expect to see more horrid #hotpinkgarbage with a huge picture of Nastia's face on it.  

Now, one might argue that Nastia isn't in charge of what leotards USAG wears.  I'd say you're wrong, but that's a different argument for a different day.  Let's say Martha was in charge?

Bitch and complain about Martha and #hotpinknation as I will, nothing compares to the atrocities that countries like Italy has rained upon us.  What kind of pornographic nightmare will they lay on us this year?

So completely appropriate.  That said, there are ways to wear a completely fugly leotard without displaying all of your lady bits.  Or prepubescent teenage girl bits, whatever.  One word: sparkles.

Nothing says "I hate fashion" like a forest of bedazzled sparkles. No country is immune from this shit.  It's never a question of "Do you want sparkles on your leotard?"  It's always "Where can I put MILLIONS of sparkles on this thing?!" 

Some countries take all of the guesswork out of leotards, and just wear whatever other countries wore a few years earlier.  For example, Russia seems to just LOVE old American leotards.  We're lucky, for the most part, in that they take old American designs and make them a little less garish, a little more tasteful.  But I still wonder if there's a GK outlet somewhere near Round Lake. 

"Oh Spanny.  You hate ALL the leotards.  Will there ever be one that you approve of??" 

Yes.  Yes there is one I would approve of.

Now THAT'S a leotard!  It would look stunning on everyone, really.  We need to make this happen.


I do enjoy when leotards make a statement.  Do I like it when that statement is "Come and see how great my jugs look in this bedazzled mesh!"  No.  I hate that.  I like leotards that show how athletic and artistic the sport is.  However, if a powerful statement must be made via leotard, then I hope it's this one:

your dreams are not dead. you've just grown out of them.

LEOTARD MADNESS!!!

Will it never end??

When Mother Russia is janking leotards from Make It or Break It, it's time for a new design. 

That said, I do quite like this leotard.  It's just that my senses are confused by seeing Aliya wearing a super American Make It or Break It-y leotard.   

you smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!

Oh, Visa Nationals.  What a stupid name.  Therefore, it will only be referred to as "nationals" or "nats" from now on. 

Now, while I will be doing a full "nats" recap like a month after the fact, the more pressing issue is obviously that of the twinsie leotards.  

Who does this?  Everyone, apparently.  With the million different ways you could patch together a bunch of colors and fabric, like half of the national team manages to pick the exact same combinations?  Unreal.  I blame GK.

We'll start with the most obvious offender, Miss Chellsie effing Memmel.  While she did not match anyone in the actual competition, she still wore a replica of Mustafina's worlds leo.  You know, the one where she knocked out that huge, commanding performance and won the AA?  That's like wearing a copy of Lilia's winning leotard.  Or Nastia's.  OH WAIT, everyone wore Nastia's trademark for like two years.  Silly me.

Just, come on.  It's not even some super gorgeous leotard that looks amazing and flatters everyone.  It's a totally generic, swirly-filled thing.  Didn't China wear one of these too?  Shameful. 

Next, we'll focus on the first of Jordyn Wieber's offenses.

I remember seeing this in person on day two, and wondering where I had seen that leo before.  After struggling to piece it together, I chalked it up to it being the sort of leotard that I would draw if I were to make a cartoon making fun of swirly leotards.  Like, two boob swirls?  Check.  Visible swirls on the arms?  Check.  It was only after some research that I found the initial boob swirl leotard in question.  In both this case, and the aforementioned Memmel mishap, we have instances of girls wearing last year's crap.  Not so with our final example.

Woof.  Let me start by saying that I actually really like the leotard.  ESPECIALLY Maroney's.  I LOVED hers.  It's so different, I didn't initially group it together with the rest of the bunch.  It wasn't until later that I even realized it was the same one we saw like five times at Classics.  But alas, it was the GK "pinwheel" leotard.  Is it embarassing to show up to a meet with the same leo as one of your competitors?  I would assume so.  Again, I blame GK.

GK, you really can't think up of just a few more designs, so that out of the 20 girls competing, 5 of them won't be wearing the exact same thing?  Absolutely ridiculous. 

I hate to say this, but it makes one think that maybe the GAGE girls are better off.  Rest assured you will be the only one at the ball wearing THAT ensemble...

i recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because i had a very satisfying dream that i once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts.

And I'm back! 

To be fair, I've actually been back for a few days now, but I just needed some time to recoup from such a "fun" trip.  And by fun I mean horrible.  But nevermind all that.  I have my internets back!

Too bad there is NOTHING even remotely related to gymnastics going on right now.  Aside from the Japan Cup, which I admittedly don't know much about, and this weekend's camp that had absolutely zero news come out of it.  The most interesting thing I saw was a group photo with all the girls in their workout leos. 

Something about Becca's leo is so wrong, it's right. 

Make It or Break It should have some of these on their show instead of those weird Nastia collection ones.  I know Nastia has designed some cute leos, but also some duds.  And the duds are all on MIOBI.  I would need sunglasses just to walk into that gym.  Which is totally possible, by the way.  At the Rock, people can just walk right in and stand on the floor, if they'd like.

Let's discuss the season premier of our favorite show, shall we?  There are too many other sites that are great at recapping, so I won't bother with all that.  I'll just point out some of the most noticeable WTFs. 

Obviously, the opening sequence was a huge WTF.  Yeah, you're the big bad Rock girls, we get it.  That said, I'm not sure why they were doing a photo shoot in 80's glam hooker wear. 

It's fair to say the Lauren looks like a tranny here, right?  Colored streaks in your hair and bright red lipstick obviously means you're a rebel.  Ugh, but why purple?  It totally clashes with rust colored "leotard" she has on.  And they couldn't find a slutty ensemble that fits, at least?  This looks bulky on Lauren in all the wrong places. 

Obviously, fit was not the number one priority for the wardrobe staff.

Poor Emily.  Yeeshk.  And poor stunt double.  How are you supposed to tumble with 1/2 of your ass hanging out??  The wedgies that must have produced, ugh. 

Lauren's double doesn't have it much better. 

Oh, another thing we've learned this week: gymnasts love to work out in the dark.  It's way easier. 

I've collected many, many IG mags in my day.  And never once have I see three scantily clad girls on the cover.  Ever.

Like, hi, can we not sexualize gymnasts?  Nevermind that they're supposedly only sixteen in this show.  We all know that you can't respect a female athlete unless she's HOT.

It's not all for nothing, however.  Lauren does a ROCKING scale on beam.  All funning aside, I do like her hands.  Everything else about this picture cracks me up though.  

MIOBI is still the authority on gymnastics accuracy, obviously.  From the super-realistic rips that totally don't look like  grape Kool Aid spots-

-to Lauren doing some barre work on the beam while another girl is seemingly working out on it. 

I'm sure this happens at gyms all around the world.  Such beautiful ballet work...

I had a picture of Lauren flashing Creepy Carter, but the picture bored me.  She's not even wearing a cute outfit.  Pink ruffly boy shorts are so out.  That does not mean, however, that rust colored, buttcheek exposing leotards are in.  Because they're not. 

Give me Bross's leotard any day.