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STUMPY WRISTS, DIE DIE DIE

OK, so I thought the recent USOC London photoshoot pictures were super cute.  So, so, so much better than those creepy mask pictures from pre-Beijing.  

Now, that said, I seriously question the professional ability of the photographer of this latest bunch.  Or the hair and makeup team (if there even was one?)  And the artistic director.  That said, I'm no expert, so who am I to judge?  But you know what I am an expert on?  BENT FUCKING WRISTS.  

I mean REALLY?  Does that not HURT?  I'm tempted to photoshop a basketball on her hand and have her slam dunking.  Do the kids still call it that, slam dunking?  Because unless you are carrying a ball, or spooning up water or something, there is no reason to ever have your wrist in that position.  Ever.

I will give Nastia credit for not wearing pink, a Bump-It, or a pink Bump-It.  Also, I love the lovely arabesque position.  The wrists, however, make it look like she's trying to fly home.  You are not a bird, Nastia Godzilla Liukin.  So stop it. 

Sigh.  I have been defending Jordyn's leaps for some time now.  This is a fine leap, marred by hands that look like they're putting on a puppet show.  You know, one of those shadow puppets you'd make on the wall when you had nothing better to do at a sleepover.  The left hand is a duck, while the right hand is an old man walking.

Now, surely you're asking  

"But Spanny, you seem to hate everything about gymnastics.  Are there any wrist positions that you DO like?" 

Yes, there are!

BAM

LIKE THAT

Oh yeah girl, that's some good wrist right there. 

One day, when I become NTC, I'm going to devise a contraption that prevents girls from flexing their wrists.  A fancy splint of some sort.  It would bend backwards to allow for back handsprings and such, but it would not bend forwards.  Imagine the lines, IMAGINE THEM!!!  It's only a matter of time...  

i'm the captain of the u.s.s. kick ass, not the u.s.s. back talk.

So, I know I just focused on this like a week ago, but in the name of fairness, I thought it only right to highlight the HORRID WRISTS from girls around the world.  

Clearly, this is an issue that travels far beyond our domestic borders.

Some consider it ARTISTIC.

I do not. 

I give this one to Romania, in that there are TWO busted wrists as opposed to just one.

Romania, and by Romania I mean Sofronie, had some SERIOUS wrists going on.  I have to ask, at what point does it warping your joints like that start to hurt?

But make no mistake.  Romania is not alone in their faults.  (I mean, obviously, I did a whole post on gnarly American wrists.  But I digress.)

Hello Spain!

Whaaa???  Those aren't even hands/wrists anymore.  They're FLIPPERS.  Those have got to be the biggest hands I have ever seen. 

So there you have it.  While Romania and Spain are closely tied at second, the American girls win this round.  They truly write the book on angled, busted wrists. 

i hate [wrists] like i hate the nazis.

Wrists. 

Remember when I said that sloppy fake bed head hair was the most annoying trend in gymnastics?  I lied. 

FLEXED WRISTS

are so much worse.  Like, I hate them with a passion fiery and true. 

Now, it's not fair to say that this is a crisis solely within USA gymnastics.  It's not.  There are many foreign offenders as well.  However, for time and my eyeball's sake, let's focus on the pretty little Americans.

And their horrible fucking wrists. 

Now, while some might believe that Nastia invented gymnastics, this is not actually true.  Nor did she invent flexed wrists, although she certainly does try the hardest.  Let's go back, shall we?

The year is 1992. 

While Kim Zmeskal and her normal wrists were falling off of beam, a waify little blonde with one crazy coach and two flexed wrists was staying on it.

I haven't done much research, but in my head, this is where it started.

Shannon Miller, ye of much difficulty, good extension, and HORRIBLE FREAKING WRISTS.  Who in their right mind a) taught this "technique" and b) thought that it looked ok?  Shannon went to the Soviet Union, she should have known better.


Things only got worst for Miller and the gang.  Did she ever wonder why she had massive tendinitis in her wrists?  I'm just asking, because it seems really fucking obvious.  By 1996, they were pretty much just lobster claws. 

So pretty.  So artistic.

And thus, a trend was born.  Even the seemingly perfect (until she got older and kind of media hungry) Dominique Moceanu was not immune to BUI (beaming under the influence.) 

Well, a needle scale must be impossible to do without the support of unflinchingly rigid hands, am I right?

Good thing we always have the "other" Dominique to save us.  Notice the pleasing line that draws from side to side.  Light and elegant, betraying the skill as simple.  As it should be. 

But this is not a post about nice, pretty hands.  It is about line-ruining, lightbulb turning man hands.  And so we move on.

The 1997-2000 quad, in itself, was pretty much an affront to gymnastics.  This was a time when a beat jump-rulfova was considered a "good combination."  Super pretty.  Flowed really well.

The USA had come off of this mind-blowing Olympic win, complete with compulsories and everything.  So naturally, yeah, maybe the next generation kind of had their work cut out for them.  But that is NOT an excuse for this-

I mean, yikes yikes.  What killed me about Maloney is that one wrist was more flexed than the other.  One was bad, and then the other was just worse.  When the hand cuts off into this stump-like form, as seen in the second picture, then it is time to ease up on the flexing. 

Even those gifted with "good form" (I use the term loosely) have been cursed with the wrists.

Jesus.  Ray looks like a teapot.  And McCool looks like someone when they do the "oogy boogy" thing with their hands.  Someone out there (Armine) thinks that this looks awesome. 

It can destroy even the prettiest of gymnasts. 

I am not shy with my Hollie love.  I have Hollie fever.  Always have.  However, her wrists cannot be ignored. 

She did that shit ON PURPOSE.  Seemingly just to ruin my love for gymnastics.  Wonderful gorgeous pose, gonna point my toes, and then accent my skill with *CRICK* a nice stumpy arm. 

This is when shit really got bad.  Rescue 911 Crisis Level Midnight.  From here on out, we have seen bent wrists on pretty much every American gymnast, sans a very few.

There is no excuse for this.  Girls aren't even pretending to have a dance background anymore.  And even the worst dancer with zero ballet training can grasp the concept of extending your extremities.  A three year old can understand how to point her toes.  Yet fifteen years later, we cannot expect girls to get how to point their wrists, essentially. 

Like I mentioned, there are the exceptions.  A lovely, simple body line is GLORIOUS, even with the most basic of skills.  Because we so very rarely ever see them.

Again, nothing fancy.  No flair.  Just a simple, straight line from here to there.  Making the skill look more light and graceful, and not so much beastly. 

But then we have to go ruin it with ass poses, and more bent wrists. 

I just don't get it.  When did this become cool?  Who in the world thinks it's pretty?  Why isn't it deducted the same way flexed feet are?  So many questions...

In conclusion, MAN I hate flexed wrists.  They are unnecessary, unsightly, and probably damaging to the joints as well. 

 We must ERADICATE this disease before it is too late!