i need to catch up on my strange addiction episodes and your voice has this nasally quality i can only take so much of.

This is just the first of what I'm anticipating will be several AA recap blogs from yours truly.  There is just too much to say for one entry.  I have about 70 pics to post, but for tonight, I'm just going to rant.

Now, be forewarned, I am biased.  I don't think it's appropriate for a 16 year old teenager, or the entire internet, to have a complete meltdown when things don't quite go as planned.  So if this offends your delicate sensibilities, I'd suggest reading something else for awhile.

People are assholes.

I have never read such biased, uneducated nonsense in all my life.  Adults, children, fans, coaches.  Everyone seemed to take a bite of the asshole pie.  It was offensive and EMBARRASSING to the sport of gymnastics. 

A 16 year old beat another 16 year old by a very slight margin.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  Now, I know everyone was previously wishing for a close, exciting race, but what I think they meant to say is "I hope it's a close, exciting race, as long as who I like wins.  Or else I will LOSE MY FUCKING MIND!!!" 

It's great to have a rivalry.  It's fun to choose sides.  It's great for the sport for people to get involved, and to get so invested in the results.

It is not cool, however, for people to sit and trash a bunch of teenagers.  To discredit their hard work.  To bitch to whoever will listen that Gymnast X WUZROBBED and that the judges are a bunch of lousy, blind cheats. 

Let's start there.  Now, I know I started with a preface that I was a bit turned off by Vika's temper tantrum on the podium.  Yes, I thought it was inappropriate, and yes, I thought it was immature and tasteless.  That said, about 99% of 16 year olds are inappropriate, immature and tasteless.  I do not see her reaction as being the definition of who she is.  When I think of Viktoria Komova, I won't think "Oh, she's that little brat who had a meltdown on the podium because she lost."  Because I don't think that's what happened.  She was very understandably shocked, disappointed, and upset.  Watching her, and likewise, Jordyn cry was such a refreshing and honest moment.  Girl, get it out.  Let those tears flow.

Disappointment is not, however, a free pass to go all emo and stomp and pout in front of the world.  People will surely counter and ask "Well, how would YOU like it if you were 16 and all the cameras were in your face?!"  To which I reply, that's what elite gymnasts sign up for.  They are very aware that they are performing in front of the world, hence the name World Gymnastics Championships.

So you're disappointed.  You've had a good cry.  Now it's time to pull up your big girl panties and finish the rest of the meet, which YES, does include obligatory handshakes and standing on a medal podium.

Congratulating your opponents certainly is not something that is specific to gymnastics.  Pretty much every sport all over the world offers some sort of post-game "Way to go!" from pee-wee up to the Stanley Cup.  We teach our children that after a game, regardless of result, you shake hands and acknowledge your opponent, because it is, after all, only a game.

No one wants to lose.  Every girl out there has dedicated her entire life to this sport.  A medal does not mean more to one girl than it does to another.  Some of the girls were defending their titles...

And other were expected to take them. 

With the rare exception, this year's field consisted mostly of teenagers.  For years, that dried up old assmunch Bruno Grandi has been grumbling that sixteen is simply too young to be able to handle high level gymnastics.  This year's crop of girls proved that Grandi is still completely insane, and more importantly, wrong.

Except for one.

Despite being nearly a year older than the meet's youngest competitor, Viktoria Komova handled her loss with the maturity and grace of a slender, Soviet Kanye West.  Upon receiving the news of her second place finish, Vika crumpled into tears, stopping only to ignore every other athlete in the building. 

Prior to her score being flashed, when Vika assumed she had won, she did manage to allow Jordyn to touch her knuckles. 

How kind.

Afterwards, however, she could not muster up the courage or class to congratulate the new world champion.  Or anyone else. 

Despite my lofty expectations for young adults to handle themselves with grace even in the throes of loss, I can still cut Vika some slack, up to this point.  The loss is still fresh, she's emotional, she's tired.  I get it.  As I mentioned earlier, this sort of honest reaction if refreshing in a sport full of "I just wanted to try my best, and hit 4-for-4" crap. 

But then she continued her little pity party throughout the rest of the festivities.

She pouted as she marched in.  She pouted as the medalists were announced.  She pouted as she walked onto the medal stand.  She pouted as she received her medal.  She pouted as the anthem played.  She pouted for all of the pictures.  She pouted as she walked off of the medal stand.  Then, she made not one, but two shows of taking off her tainted silver medal.

After pouting and taking it off once, she was asked to put it back on for more pictures, which she pouted throughout.  Finally, she took it off yet again, and finished it off by pouting some more. 

It wasn't cute when Khorkina did it, and it was NOT cute when Komova did it. 

All that said, she's sixteen.  She's a tremendous athlete, and meltdown aside, she will always be respected for being one of the best in the world.

The real shame is not her reaction, but those of the adults in her life.  Her coaches, her mother, and Russian journalists are not sixteen.  I have never in all my years of being a creepy gymnastics freak seen such uneducated, mean-spirited, and offensive responses to a loss.  It wasn't enough to blame the judging, or the current code.  No.  These people, these "adults" felt the need to come out swinging and discredit the winner.  They made it personal.  It's one thing to say "My girl should have won."  It's quite another to say "That girl shouldn't have won."

And the funny thing is, Vika blamed no one but herself.  She didn't come out and blame the judges, or Jordyn.  She acknowledged that she gave it away on beam and floor.  She took responsibility for her own performances, and for that she deserves a good deal of respect.  I wish I could say the same for those around her.

I hope that, in time, the gymnastics community settles the fuck down, accepts and appreciates that our current world champion won her title fair and square.  No controversy, no shenanigans.  Yes, it was a desperately close race, and it could have gone either way.

Such is the thrill of gymnastics, and sports in general.

you think wonder woman hugs the cheetah before the amazonian smackdown?

I have been meaning to write a million different things regarding Worlds for the past week, but I have been far too drugged up to focus on the computer screen for minutes at a time, let alone write strings of words.  However, one week post-op has left me feeling fine, and with a clear head I can say:

WHAT THE FUDGE? 

Seriously.  Now, I may have been hallucinating on and off, but even in the grip of my hallucination, I was able to understand that the American girls absolutely destroyed the team competition.  From prelims to finals, those six girls (yes, six.  #teamannali) annihilated every other country on the planet.  With a 100% hit record, I thought it was pretty obvious that the best team won.  For once, we had a drama-free competition where the champions won because they were the best, not because of meltdowns or shady scoring. 

Despite such a great competition, somehow the internet still managed to explode with people who lost their minds. 

To be fair, the insanity started well before the competition, with the untimely leg-busting from Alicia Sacramone.  Sigh.  It just shouldn't have happened.  What else is there to say?  Apparently, a whole lot, because the gym world lost its marbles.  I do not like Martha Karolyi.  I do not support Martha Karolyi.  I think the selection procedures are out of whack, and are the direct cause of many injuries.  Her system is outdated, and if not for a seemingly bottomless pool of depth, USAG would be so very screwed. 

That said, I don't think Martha is evil.  I don't think she wakes up every morning, and asks herself "Hmmm.  How can I destroy a little girl's dreams today?"  Rumor ran rampant in the days following Alicia's injury, where nameless sources claimed Martha, upon seeing Alicia crumple on the floor, told her she hated her, and to stop acting like a baby.  They claim that Martha said, verbatim, "I hate you."

A couple of things here.  I can't understand what Martha says, ever.  I don't understand how she has been in the country for 30 years and still manages to speak with the thickest accent imaginable.  Despite that, we're to believe that our unnamed source was able to not only hear Martha, but able to decipher what she said during the intense moments following Alicia's injury.  I don't buy it. 

But I get it, it's fun to hate on Martha.  Certain gymnastics communities are calling for Martha's head, all but predicting her impending arrest, and subsequent burning down of the ranch.  I wish I could say I was being funny and facetious, but I'm not.  They really believe that the police are coming to Tokyo to get Martha, and will award the defunct ranch to the members of the gymnastics community.  Whatever.

I can't pretend to know how selection works, especially when it comes to lineups and such.  What I do know is Anna Li got fucked.  And I'm not happy about it.  It's not surprising, however, that despite bending over and taking it from Martha, Anna composed herself in the classiest way possible.  Seriously, I can't get over how composed this girl has been, and how well she has handled herself.  The effect she has had over Gabby Douglas alone is immeasurable. 

I am thrilled that Anna was on the podium, and accepted HER medal.  I think Alicia being kept on the team was... weird, but if USAG wants to give her a medal, then that's great.  Sac has busted her ass for this country, so it's the least they could do.  However, I desperately hope that they give the "extra" 7th medal to Alicia, and allow Anna to keep hers.  I imagine Sac doesn't give a crap about which medal she gets. 

Despite the lack of Anna, prelims were AMAZING.  Gabby freaking Douglas, 5th place AA!  I totally thought that was the drugs, but nope, that was real life.  In real life, all 5 girls nailed the shit out of the AA.  Unbelievable. 

What a weird meet though.  I can't accept that only ONE medalist from 2010 has the chance to win another medal.  No Porgras, no Tweddle, no Mitchell?  Again, this is real life. 

The all around competition is in roughly seven hours.  Words cannot describe how pumped I am.  For the first time in a long while, we have two super legit contenders for the gold.  Komova destroyed prelims, beating an off Wieber with "only" a DTY.  I am so endlessly happy that Vika has not chucked that Amanar.  I can only pray that she does not choose to do so tonight, because I fear for her life/knee if she does.  Russia doesn't really have the best track record when it comes to chucking.  After her meltdown in TF, I would hope that the team realizes that she's not physically ready for this vault.  And she's already proven that she can do well without it.

This fact has been another source of internet insanity.  The entire gymnastics world loves Komova, as well they should.  She embodies everything beautiful and lovely about the sport.  Her first place qualification gave fuel to artistry trolls all over the world.  Yes, she was amazing, and she had the meet of her life. 

What people don't seem to understand is that while Komova had the meet of her life, Wieber had a few small misses.  Misses that she already took care of in team finals.  In order to win, Komova will have to repeat her perfect meet, while Jordyn really only needs to fix up a few things.  Also, team finals showed us that Vika is certainly not invincible.  As of right now, I give the edge to Jordyn. 

The same people who belittle Jordyn because she's just not Soviet are in arms because John Geddert has the audacity to post openly on his private blog.  He accurately pointed out that despite being touched by her coach, the judges decided not to deduct for it.  He called out the judges.  Given the reaction on the internet, you'd think that he called up Komova personally and called her fat.  How dare he say anything about Russia at all, seeing as how his team wiped up the floor with theirs.  He's just keeping it real.  I have a hard time imagining that any of the actual Russians would be half as butthurt as some of the Russian fans. 

The Russian loss has really brought out the soreness in the gymnastics community.  Yes, Vika is clearly operating at a fraction of her potential, and yes, Demy is sick with a seemingly life-threatening 103 fever.  Yes, Mustafina busted her ACL seven months ago.  None of that changes that fact that the Americans hit every single routine they put out there.  People are desperate to rationalize such an extraordinary win. 

I don't understand how, as fans of gymnastics, people can't appreciate that this meet was won with hit routines.  It was not won by who fell the least, or who was able to chuck the most.  Is this not what we have been begging for for years?

We can only hope for the same level of greatness for the AA.  As long as the scores are fair and the Amanars are not chucked, I will be happy with whoever comes out on top. 

That said, #teamwieber

you smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!

Oh, Visa Nationals.  What a stupid name.  Therefore, it will only be referred to as "nationals" or "nats" from now on. 

Now, while I will be doing a full "nats" recap like a month after the fact, the more pressing issue is obviously that of the twinsie leotards.  

Who does this?  Everyone, apparently.  With the million different ways you could patch together a bunch of colors and fabric, like half of the national team manages to pick the exact same combinations?  Unreal.  I blame GK.

We'll start with the most obvious offender, Miss Chellsie effing Memmel.  While she did not match anyone in the actual competition, she still wore a replica of Mustafina's worlds leo.  You know, the one where she knocked out that huge, commanding performance and won the AA?  That's like wearing a copy of Lilia's winning leotard.  Or Nastia's.  OH WAIT, everyone wore Nastia's trademark for like two years.  Silly me.

Just, come on.  It's not even some super gorgeous leotard that looks amazing and flatters everyone.  It's a totally generic, swirly-filled thing.  Didn't China wear one of these too?  Shameful. 

Next, we'll focus on the first of Jordyn Wieber's offenses.

I remember seeing this in person on day two, and wondering where I had seen that leo before.  After struggling to piece it together, I chalked it up to it being the sort of leotard that I would draw if I were to make a cartoon making fun of swirly leotards.  Like, two boob swirls?  Check.  Visible swirls on the arms?  Check.  It was only after some research that I found the initial boob swirl leotard in question.  In both this case, and the aforementioned Memmel mishap, we have instances of girls wearing last year's crap.  Not so with our final example.

Woof.  Let me start by saying that I actually really like the leotard.  ESPECIALLY Maroney's.  I LOVED hers.  It's so different, I didn't initially group it together with the rest of the bunch.  It wasn't until later that I even realized it was the same one we saw like five times at Classics.  But alas, it was the GK "pinwheel" leotard.  Is it embarassing to show up to a meet with the same leo as one of your competitors?  I would assume so.  Again, I blame GK.

GK, you really can't think up of just a few more designs, so that out of the 20 girls competing, 5 of them won't be wearing the exact same thing?  Absolutely ridiculous. 

I hate to say this, but it makes one think that maybe the GAGE girls are better off.  Rest assured you will be the only one at the ball wearing THAT ensemble...

this should be open. it's civil rights.

Well balls.  My blog keeps getting linked to, and I have no posts!  I have some coming, I swear.

In the meantime, enjoy this video.  I have wanted to use this song since they used it this season on SYTYCD.  Japanese, reference to tens, I mean, the song is totally about gymnastics, right?  Totally.  I included most of those who I thought might be making a trip to Japan, which explains the heartless lack of Bross.  I felt like such an asshole even making this video, and skipping over every one of her routines.  Which is why I want to clarify that this is more about the upcoming worlds, as opposed to a nationals recap, where I just pretend that Bross and her vault don't exist.  Enjoy!

did you know new york city was built on top of old york city?

Well, it has been nearly a week since out first foray into the gymnastics season.  And it has taken me damned near a week to recover from such excitement.  Well, a combination of excitement and tired nerves.  I am not built to travel. 

Anyway, thanks to Universal Sports, which just magically appeared on my TV about two days ago, I have been able to rewatch the Covergirl Classic.  (Stupid name.) 

Alright, let me start by saying that TV is so unflattering.  This channel makes everyone look like cows.  In real life, even Shawn and Alicia are so fricking itty bitty.  I mean, we all know that, especially if you've seen them compete live before.  But from about three rows up, Shawn looked as fit as a fiddle. 

As always, the junior meet was more exciting than the senior meet.  Because there were four billion girls competing, the meet seemed to go on forever, but I didn't mind.  Al Fong was especially creepy, sporting a gigantic bright yellow t-shirt to the big event.  Mary Lee Tracy did exactly zero things for her juniors while her assistant (her daughter?) did everything. 

Kyla was Kyla.  People bitch and moan because she is "boring" and doesn't stand out enough, but you know what?  She is clean and she has lovely presentation.  For these two reasons, I support her.  When I think "flashy" I think of Nabieva, so maybe I don't like flashy so much. 

Ohashi appeared to be on suicide watch.  The poor thing looked miserable.  Her faceplant on FX was eerily Karpenko-ish.  And I'm sure it didn't help things when the entire audience got up and moved closer to beam before Ohashi went up.  Oh, and she was last.  The entire arena huddled around beam and stared at it.  It was uncomfortable. 

I kind of love Simone Biles.  Her DLO on FX is what dreams are made of.  She just had that indescribable sass and fire that this old timer just loves. 

Few of the senior girls possess that same sass that I so crave.  Perhaps Gabby Douglass, who might be my number one favorite at the moment.  Like, just to see her is to love her.  She really does have everything you would want in a gymnast.  That, on top of her being a military kid.  I want for her all the good things. 

Her training partner, Shawn Johnson, perhaps you've heard of her, was not that bad.  I was pleasantly surprised when I saw her.  Maybe it's the wide-screen on my TV, but she looks huge compared to what she looks like in real life.  The girl looked super nervous.  And who could blame her?  Gym mothers were huddled behind her on UB, screaming and pushing their kids down toward the railing.  The cameras were up her ass the entire time.  After she put her hands down on UB, she walked away, red in the face, and immediately started walking through her beam routine.  Which happened to give the gym moms a group coronary.  Kids were just about flipping over the railings while their mothers took pictures with Shawn looking seriously disturbed in the background.

Shawn kept repeating this one part of her routine, it was just some choreo, but it looked so pretty when she was doing it on floor.  No wrist flicks or anything.  But it didn't come across the same way on beam. 

Another thing I noticed is that they didn't announce Shawn before she went up on UB.  Probably to save the poor girl on FX from an Atlanta-stlye deafening scream. 

People can hate on Jordyn Wieber all they want.  I love that bitch.  Again, why are we complaining about clean, difficult gymnastics?  There is this attitude these days that if you're not Aurelia Dobre, then you're a terrible gymnast.  I disagree.  There is a place for clean, solid gymnastics, and that place is in team finals at the Olympics.

Aly's bar... experience... was even more hilarious in real life.  She must have stayed up there for at least four minutes.  And I'm pretty sure she made eye contact with the audience while she was up there.  Her vault was something else.  I never saw her land it in warmups, so I imagine everyone was pretty nervous when she competed it.  I know I was.  I was sitting directly in front of vault, only a few rows back, so I was privy to all of this.  She landed the vault, took a billion steps back, and then smiled.  It was this odd look of amusement and relief.  I probably had the same look on my face. 

This vault was far less horrifying than Keely McNeer's Pak.  No joke, she caught the Pak with her jugular.  Her neck.  Not her face, not her collarbone.  She caught it with her windpipe.  And her coach was all "Meh.  Real athletes keep going," and just let her go on with her routine, which she botched probably because she couldn't breathe.  I get, like, pulling a Kerri Strug and competing with a sore ankle or whatever.  But your neck is something else.  If you smash the tube in which you use to breathe, maybe you don't need to go on with the meaningless Covergirl Classic.  Just something to think about. 

Alicia was Alicia.  Oh, but there was a super cute moment before Aly's FX.  Alicia gave Aly a hug and a kiss, and then Aly pointed out a corner to Alicia.  It was the corner where Aly would land her Arabian-punch front.  Alicia hauled ass around the floor, which meant about ten out-of-shape camera guys were also running, trying to keep up with her.  She stayed in that corner until Aly landed her pass, after which she clapped, and walked away. 

We happened to be sitting behind the Jetters.  Let me tell you, Amanda's dad is the cutest/funniest thing.  He got up, and stood right next to the railing during her beam.  He was more animated than an on-camera Bela Karolyi.  He was jumping, grabbing, hugging himself, and cheering.  It was really cute to see. 

Sabrina Vega was more impressive in person than I thought she would be.  I hadn't really formed an opinion of her before.  I had only seen random youtube videos of random meets.  But she has that little something extra when you see her live.  Really a beautiful girl. 

I know I'm in the minority, but I'm not as in love with Alicia's FX as everyone else.  I love the first 2/3s of the music.  Very epic.  But then it goes in to the Step Up crap.  What's that about??  While I'm happy that there was little-to-no thigh rubbing, it still seemed to be a lot of angle hips and booty thrusts.  I do love when she does the double arabian, and the music goes silent, and all you can hear is her blast the landing. 

What else, what else... ok.  Aly's FX.  Again, maybe it's Opposite Day, but I didn't HATE it.  It's not a masterpiece or anything, but it was appropriately insane.  Watching it live, it didn't seem nearly as awkward.  The down-to-the-floor bit was cute. 

That's all I have, for now.  If anything else jumps into my head, you'll find it here.  Now it's time to get geared up for Visas, which is all but one block from my apartment. 

whereas i'm spending my summer composing pip pip hooray, the broadway musical about pippa middleton.

Guess which bitch just won two free tickets to Day One of Nationals this August?  THIS BITCH DID.  I did so by retweeting @XcelEnergyCtr last night.  They just happened to pick one Miss Spanny Tampson for their free tickets.  I mean, it's gymnastics, so it's not like these tickets are going to be sold out or anything like that.  But free tickets are free tickets.  I would imagine that the Xcel will have similar contests in the upcoming months, so everyone should follow them post haste.

I should also add that the Xcel is the best arena of all time.  I know this because I live about a block away.  Also, I've been going there for about a dozen hockey games a year since 2000.  It has continually been rated the best arena by Sports Illustrated for a reason.  Because it's awesome. 

So come one, come all.  Let's go to Nationals this summer!

Oh yeah, that pesky Make It or Break It show.  Following a disturbing dream I had, where I busted adult baby Kelly Parker for stealing my Vicodin, I decided that I should probably recap the first season of our favorite trainwreck.  I'm kind of enjoying the break right now, but I'm hoping to start again next week.  I am downloading the first season now, so after that's all taken care of, it's time to recap this shit.

Miss you all!

he charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.

Part Two of this season's absolutely riveting Make It or Break It finale.  If you'll recall, we left off with Lauren and the New Guy getting T-boned in the intersection, because Lauren thought it was a fine idea to stop there.  It kind of sucks that we didn't really get to experience that as a cliff hanger.  Instead, we see Sister Mary Summer (copyright: Kitty) race into the hospital, to check up on the wayward teenager that she had disowned some 40 minutes earlier.

Sister Mary Summer and her eyebrows demand to know what happened to her dear, sweet Lauren.  Turns out she is just fine, only suffering from what seems to be some sort of zombification.

The New Guy, however, didn't fare so well.  He suffered a concussion as well as a fractured collar bone.  Lauren managed to avoid being pulverized by the car probably because she is a gymnast, and was able to flip out of the way of danger.  All of that is meaningless though, because all Lauren cares about is that her "mother" came to get her at the hospital.  True to form, she pretends that nothing prior to this moment has happened at all.  She feeds Sister Mary Summer a bunch of needy bullshit, until Sasha walks in.  He chews her out for being a dumb bitch, and warns her not to do it again.  Lesson learned.  The lesson being that there are never any consequences for our friend Lauren.  Sister Mary threatens Lauren that she had better come clean about the Payson-Sasha DVD.  So very threatening.

Kaylie, Payson, and Austin all show up to check up on their friends.  Payson wants to know what the fuck Lauren was doing with the New Guy, which Lauren obviously assumes is an opportunity to antagonize her a little bit.  She implies that they were doing something a whole lot sexier than just listening to her sob about her fake mother.  Austin is the only one who seems to understand the implications of Lauren pretty much ruining the New Guy's athletic season.  That, or he's the only one who cares.

A nurse comes over to let the group know that the New Guy is asking for a hot blonde.  Lauren assumes he means her, and off she goes.  Payson is butthurt, and confesses to Kaylie that she told the New Guy that she loved him.  Adult baby Kelly Parker catches up with the crew, and asks about Lauren.  Kaylie hates her guts though, and puts on this huge bitch fit about her coming.  AB KP reminds Kaylie that she gave the stupid journal back, and that she could have done a lot worse with it.  Kaylie ignores her like a little brat, so AB KP says fine, they'll go back to being snatchy enemies.

Zombie Lauren goes in to see the New Guy.  He's doped up to the nines, and apparently doesn't know who the fuck she is, because he starts moaning Payson's name.  Cue more pouty grunty faces. 

The next morning, Payson makes a last minute effort to start packing.  She's all emotional about being shunned by the New Guy.  Payson's parents are confused at best.  What is the hilarious Becka Keilor supposed to be doing while everyone else is out of town?  I'm surprised they mentioned her name at all.  I thought she was off at boarding school with Brian Kmetko or something.  The Debbie Downer parents moan about having gone through all of Payson's endorsement money already, having had paid their mortgage and all that.

At Casa de Cruz, the NGO asshole shows up to let Kaylie know that she is the de facto team captain.  He briefs her on what to say to the press regarding her "ACL tear."  He reiterates that they can't come out about her anorexia, because the judges have free reign to assign scores however they please, and there are standing "has an ED" deductions on the books.  I think admitting to anorexia is something like a .5 deduction.  Per person on the team, of course, if the perpetrator is team captain.   

Finally, we are in Rio, where we get to see the girls march up the stairs to the arena on their requisite matching outfits.  China marches in like Nazis, while Russia looks all cool and slutty.  Team USA, in wannabe Ralph Lauren gear, stumbles around, unsure of where to go and who to speak to.  Sasha gives them explicit directions to speak to no one, which of course Lauren quickly ignores.  After hearing Fake Musty tell the reporters that she's not worried about Genji Cho or Kelly Parker, Lauren decides that it's a good time to interrupt, and tell everyone how she is totes going to win beam gold.  Kaylie then gets whisked away, and is asked about her ACL tear.  She flubs, and admits that she never had surgery.  The NGO asshole is PISSED.  He forbids Kaylie to speak to any press.

Meanwhile, Payson's parents are accepting foo-foo umbrella drinks on their daughter's dime.  They are riddled with angst regarding Payson tossing her NCAA eligibility away, when who should show up in fucking RIO but the head coach of Stanford gymnastics.  Apparently, she doesn't have a phone or an email account, because this bitch came all the way to RIO to recruit Payson to compete for Stanford when she injures out of the Olympics.  Her parents are devastated, natch.

Outside, Austin is doing some sort of publicity-laced sluttery in the pool.  He's surrounded by chicks while reporters ask him about the sunglasses he's hawking.  I'm sure this exact scenario happens with Nastia, but instead she lays on floaty beds while eating sandwiches.  Then she falls in the pool.  

The reporters ask about his love life, and whether or not he has a girlfriend.  To prove that he does not, in fact, have a girlfriend, he makes out with a bunch of sluts in a row.

Even the girl watching them is happy.  Kaylie, also watching them, not so much.  She storms off, and Austin runs after her.  He explains to her that it is all an act that he needs to put on in order to hawk his glasses.  She's all pissy, until he reminds her that she's a fakey-fakerton too, since she's been lying about her eating disorder.

The time has come for prelims.  No podium training necessary, because no one here competes on a podium.  Continuing what seems like Make It or Break It's obsession with stairs, the teams' march in involves them all cascading down a flight of stairs.

We see that tonight's announcers are none other than Nadia Comaneci and Bart Conner.

Didn't catch that?  BART MOTHERFUCKING CONNER!!!!

Be still my heart!  He immediately gives this entire sham meet an air of reality.  His voice also soothes me into a calm dream-like state.  If I close my eyes, it's almost as if I'm watching real gymnastics...

The illusion of reality explodes once Bart explains the format of the meet.  44 teams compete in two days of prelims, and the top 4 from each session moves on to finals.

First up on beam, in kind of a cute leotard, is Lauren.

Hate the blue pattern.  Is it snakeskin?  Also not a fan of the throwback jersey neckline.  The rest though isn't half bad.  For whatever reason, Sister Mary Summer is also on the floor.  Sasha reminds Lauren that she is not to do any of her slutty choreography.  Just boring, clean gymnastics.  Which explains why she's already ditched her Garrison mount, as she prepares to mount the gigantic Big Betty beam from the side.  The beam also has a camera attached.  Which I'm sure meets FIG regulations.

Obviously, the camera is needed to catch these stunning crotch shots.

If any one shot in the whole show was totally necessary, this was it.  Sasha, having instructed Lauren to ditch anything interesting at all in her routine, watches while wearing the best warmup jacket ever.

I'm not even kidding.  I love this jacket.  I happen to collect various athletic jackets, and even though this is a fake one, I want it.  So if anyone out is out there reading this who has the ability to find me this jacket, please let me know with a quickness.

Lauren continues to take all of the good stuff out her routines, and stuffs it with a front aerial, a wobbly illusion, and a really squatty 1/4 dive to handstand.

She wraps her shitty routine up with a whoosh-whoosh double full, while she takes a step to the side and off of the landing mat.  Sasha says not to worry, even though we do seem to be dealing with a 6-1-1 format.

Next up is Fake Musty on UB.  She dangles on the bar in order to mimic a kip.

I mean, props for the bitchface, but those armpits won't be seeing a real kip anytime soon.  She goes into a bail, toe-on hecht to the high bar.  Also watching Fake Musty's routine is Team USA, who is also flashed with a great leap bomb in the foreground.

Somebody get me Sasha's jacket!  Fake Musty wraps it up with, what else, but a whoosh-whoosh double full dismount in front of some spotlights.  The bars also seem to be adorned with little clip-on cameras.

The girls rotate to vault, where the only competitor will be Kaylie Cruz.  AB KP wishes her good luck, but Kaylie tells her to fuck off.  Kaylie lines up to throw the miraculous Amanar that she learned in only two days.

She makes it around, Musty-style, but takes a large step forward.

Now, in a total change of pace, Make It or Break It gets it totally right, when the real FIG gets it totally wrong.  Nadia points out that such a sloppy vault, with its resulting large step, will incur a large deduction.  Imagine that.  A DEDUCTION for a shitty Amanar.  However, whatever credibility that was gained is immediately lost when Kaylie heads back to throw her second vault. 

One might argue that she was throwing her second vault in order to qualify for event finals, but come on.  We all know better.  Kaylie proves this by throwing a 1.5Y for her second vault, which the announcers admit was supposed to be another Amanar.  So there you go.

The only person cheering at all, and being a good team member is AB KP.  Everyone else is snatchy and quiet.  Meanwhile, Fake Musty is up on beam.

Can't argue with a split leap, now can we?

She does some of her weird hyper-extended elbow choreography, and catches a glimpse of Payson warming up for floor.

Ooooh, girl, you are gonna SCURRRR her with that flexibility.  Fake Musty blows it off, and dismounts with... wait for it... a whoosh-whoosh double full.  Her creepy coach approves.

Before walking off, Fake Musty winks at Payson, which unnerves her.  Her parents can tell from the get go that Payson is going to fuck up her FX.

Using the only music without vocals in the competition, Payson starts her Swan Lake routine.  She starts with steps and wobbles on her big opening pass of a piked double back.  She follows with a 2.5, which she sits down.  The first time we see her, she appears to under rotate, and take a step back.  The second shot, however, shows her having over rotated and stepping forward. 

Payson's parents sit in the stands, pretty much kissing all of that endorsement money goodbye.

Again, following the 6-1-1 format, and also stepping away from the traditional Olympic rotation, the girls have moved over to UB.  First, and only one up is Kelly Parker.  Her teammates don't give a shit, until Sasha rips them a new one for being shitty little girls.

Jordan Schweikert listens on as Sasha tells them to drop the bullshit, and act like a real team.  The girls are in 5th, and only the top 4 move on to finals, so they have to get their shit together.  Kaylie leads the charge, and begins the slow clap for Kelly Parker.

Sure enough, everyone else joins her, and before you know it, everyone is clapping, almost like a real team.  Kelly, being human after all, is pumped on by her teammate's cheers.  She starts with one of her two squat on transitions, and does a nice tkatchev right into a blind change jaeger.  Does anyone do that in real life?  That would be kind of neat.  She does a bail, and goes into her second squat on of the routine.  Bad girl.  She dismounts with a full in double back, which seems to be done over some random shit on the mats.

Which doesn't matter, because she sticks the landing.

Her teammates clap politely.  That routine eeks the girls into fourth place, which barely gets them into the finals.  This is so very 2000. 

The main four girls ditch their two teammates, and go up to their hotel room, where they each march to their assigned seating position for the upcoming lecture.  Coach is PISSED.  These are a bunch of snotty teenagers, and they each almost blew their chances at advancing to the finals.  So, in punishment, Sasha orders them all to stay in the room until they get their shit figured out. 

Kaylie makes an attempt to start a real discussion, but Lauren immediately butts in with all of her drama, and whining about all of this shit that she's at fault for anyway.  This just opens the floodgates for all of the girls to bitch about everything.

Kaylie is pissed at AB KP for stealing her journal, while Payson is pissed at Lauren for being a ho.  Kelly's pissed at Kaylie for having been named captain.  I thought they were supposed to vote on that shit?  Whatever.  After they've all had a moment to calm down, Payson apologizes for having let boys get to her head, like the rest of these dumb bitches.

AB KP puts an end to this shit, and tells the girls that she knew they were all fake cheering for her.  But she didn't care, because it was nice to belong to a team, for once.  She guilt trips the shit out of them, admitting that she has been jealous of the Rock girls this whole time.  That is, until she saw how stupid and catty they are all.  This prompts emotional teary faces from the entire quartet.

Payson cries about giving up her NCAA eligibility, until AB KP comforts her, telling her at least she has parents who care about her.  Payson continues sobbing, admitting that dumb slut Lauren won, and that she can keep the New Guy.  Lauren pipes up, admitting that he was was actually calling Payson's name in the hospital.  

Ahh, reflection.  The girls realize that they've all been super stupid, and all become BFFs.

Kaylie gets kind of salty, because everyone's confessing their sins, yet she can't.  All she wants to do is come clean about her ED, but everyone knows that the NGO asshole will be up her ass if she does.

The girls decide to hold an impromptu press conference, where Kaylie tells the crowd that she has an ED.

No one gives a flying fuck, except for the NGO asshole, who believes that she, and the entire team, is dunzo.

The girls are in the locker room, prepping for finals.  In what may well be the creepiest scene I've ever seen on TV, the girls pass around this ceremonial lipstick while listening to the Flowers in the Attic soundtrack.

Not only are they sharing one tube of lipstick, but hell if it isn't the ugliest shade on the planet.

The four girls once again ignore the remaining two members, and have a small team huddle.

Leading off on beam, or perhaps the only one competing on it at all, is Lauren.  Sasha comes over to give her a pep talk, but she interrupts him with the admission that she was the one who edited the Payson-Sasha make-out DVD and sent it to Ellen Beals.  She tries her damned hardest to break down during her confession, but it just comes across as fakey as ever.  Sasha absorbs this information, and walks away.  Summer, pleased with Lauren's confession, watches from the stands.  A few moments later, Sasha returns, and tells Lauren to forget the whole clean-gymnastics thing, and just go for her slutty routine.

All is forgiving, once again proving that Lauren can do whatever the hell she wants, and she will never be punished, ever.  Do you think Martha forgives her gymnasts once she's been scorned?  HAIL NO.  Lauren again clings onto her coach, all while wearing her thong leotard and standing next to the oversized beam. 

Lauren once again mounts the gigantic Big Betty beam, complete with attached crotch cam. 

She continues on with her inappropriate choreography, and does an Okino before stepping into the requisite butt shelf.

She throws the front aerial, but this time, instead of the illusion, she does this prolonged penguin butt waggle thing.

That goes on for about 8 seconds too long, and is wildly inappropriate.  She ends with her compulsory whoosh whoosh double full dismount, but not before running past a whole bunch of shit on the ground underneath the beam.  What was that shit?

 The girls rotate from beam to vault, which is totally normal.  I guess Kaylie is passing on vault today, because Payson is vaulting in her place.  She barrels down the runway, and sticks her 1/2 on tucked front cold.  Despite sticking it, she manages to do something to her ankle.

Oh gee, an ankle injury on vault.  I've never seen one of those before.  Whatever will happen?  Oh no.

After determining that it is both numb and hurts like hell, Payson tells Sasha that she absolutely must do her second vault (???)  Despite barely being able to walk back to the top of the runway, neither her coach, teammates, or parents stop her from attempting to perform her second vault on one foot.

She stands at the top of the runway on one foot.  She hurdles with one foot.  I have to admit, there was a good 5 seconds or so that I thought she might bounce on one foot down the entire length of the runway.  But no, she eventually uses two feet to do her vault, which she shockingly upgraded from a 1/2 on front tuck to a Khorkina II.  She, of course, sticks it on one foot.

I feel as though I have seen this before.  No longer in pain, Payson winks at Fake Musty.

Next, we find ourselves on FX, where Genji Cho is performing her homage to Jiang Yuyuan.

Since Payson busted her ankle, Sasha decides that he's putting AB KP in on FX instead.  Kelly Parker decides that, meh, she's just not feeling it today.  Instead, Kaylie should anchor floor instead.  I'm sure putting in the girl who hasn't done floor in 6+ weeks is a fine idea.  Sasha says whatever, and puts her in. 

Kaylie opens with a wild double arabian, and then swings her hair around for awhile.  She follows with a 2.5 into a 1/1.  Two passes is all you need, really.  Especially when you have this BEAUTIFUL sheep jump to end the routine!

Blame me all you want for picking a shitty picture, but this is where they decided to freeze frame this jump.  We got to see this glorious jump at this position for a good 5 seconds.  Everyone stares at the scoreboard while waiting for the scores to come out.  Chants of USA-USA start to pop up.  Eventually, the board is updated, and the USA comes out on top.

Russia must have bombed, because their scores did not budge from their 3rd rotation to the 4th.  That, or they just somehow scored 50 points less than China and the US.

I am such a nerd.  Even while watching a fake team win fake Worlds, I still get chills watching them listen to the national anthem.  Good thing the organizers had red, white, and blue balloons and confetti all set to go!  Would have sucked for China if they won.

This scene reminds me of the 2000 Olympic Trials.  After the meet, everyone is hugging and congratulating.  Sister Mary Summer, having forgotten every shitty thing Lauren has done in the past, runs up and hugs the little shit.

The moral of this story is, do whatever the fuck you want.  Everyone will forgive you every time, as long as you crash your car and then win Worlds.

Payson is shocked when the New Guy somehow manages to break out of the hospital to come see her in Rio.  He tells her that he loves her, and when he tries to tell her that he's bisexual, she tells him to shut up.  I'm excited to see how that storyline plays out next season.  And there had BETTER be a next season.... 

Austin and Kaylie are being all huggy, and when the reporters ask him if Kaylie is his new girlfriend, he says why yes, yes she is.  Then he makes out with her, which is uncomfortable for everyone involved.  Before they can get it on further in public, Kaylie is whisked away by Payson and Lauren, so that they can go back into the arena, and reflect over their win.

That really is a nice picture, seeing as how Emily isn't in it.  I thought for sure she'd pop up in this episode, maybe watching the girls win team gold without her on TV.  I will say though, that without Emily, there was ZERO BITCHFACE CHLOE in this episode, and that is simply unacceptable. 

So that's that.  The girls won Worlds.  Everything may be wrapped up in a neat little package, and yet, there is so much yet to be explored in the next season!  Will Payson freak out when she learns that the New Guy likes boys?  Will Sister Mary Summer flip her shit when someone with such loose morals is invading her gym?  If she forgave Lauren, does that mean she forgives Daddy too, and that the wedding is back on?  Will Sasha and Bitchface Chloe PLEASE hook up already???

I need this show to be renewed.  Do you hear me, powers that be?  LISTEN TO ME! 

Until next season, which will happen, I MAY decide to recap the first season.  No promises.  But there is just so much untapped gold, that it would be a shame if someone didn't rip it all to shreds. 

Until then, friends, may you all pass your lipstick on your way to gold!