i’ve had mono so many times I’ve turned into stereo.

Men's Gymnastics.

It's a subject that I am woefully uneducated about.  That's not to say I don't enjoy it, it's just more that I don't totally follow it.

But the news about Cal losing their men's NCAA team has got me all salty.

It's a shame that NCAA is cutting their men's teams so drastically.  But this is nothing if not old news.  These teams have been on the chopping block for almost two decades.  Some teams just take the cut, and fade into oblivion.  Others fight back.

Arizona State used to have a wildly popular NCAA team.  Started back in 1969, this team peaked with crowds upwards of 10,000 in the early 80s, before being cut in 1993.  After being axed, a few of the starters headed off for greener pastures.  But the rest of the team stayed. 

Under the wonderful leadership of a fantastic man, and my old boss, Scott Barclay, the team registered as a club sport.  Despite being a club, they still competed against many NCAA teams, and ended up winning the USA Collegiate Club National Championships their first year.  Not a shabby feat for a team that had been axed a year prior.

Almost 20 years later, this club team is still very much in action.  The question is, without the NCAA funding them, however did they make this happen?

So much of the credit goes to Scott Barclay.  I had the privilege of working for Scott back in the day, so I saw first hand how much hard work went into not only owning a recreational gym, but also leading and maintaining a men's club gymnastics team.

Per www.sundevilgymnastics.com:

"As a club, all operating expenses for the each season are raised through three sources: 1) through Booster club memberships and donations, 2) Corporate sponsorships and 3) Team fundraising events. Of these three, the team members themselves raise over 60% of the needed funds each year by hosting junior meets and clinics, setting up equipment for local junior competitions, building competition floors for local gyms and scoring junior competitions. These fund-raising activities keep the team busy throughout the school year. On top of that, they remain active in doing school and promotional shows whenever they have the chance."

These guys do not mess around.

I personally saw these guys all over town at different events.  They supported the community, and in turn, the community supported them.  Attending a home meet, large crowds would consist of people from all walks of life.  Little girls would come to watch their coaches compete, and looked up to them as idols.  Little boys participated in contests, trying to emulate the big strong guys they were watching.  It was an all-around good time, and only a drop in the bucket of hard work that these guys did in order to maintain this team.

It never ceased to amaze me that restaurants on the campus of a notoriously slutty party school would sponser a men's gymnastics team, and hold successful events for them.  But they would and they did.  And people showed up.

The ASU women's team was the NCAA sanctioned team, so they got the big arena with all the bells and whistles.  And at most home meets, you would see the men's team setting up, and helping tear down the equipment afterward.  They didn't just help out the local women's team.  A year after I moved to LA, at the Olympic Trials in Anaheim, I ran into these same guys, helping tear down the arena after the meet was over.  They were everywhere, using their able and quite muscular bodies to make money to support the team they loved.

My question is, what is keeping the Cal men's team from doing the same thing?  I understand that not every team is blessed with a Scott Barclay, and that's unfortunate.  But surely there is one person, one person who is either on or involved with that team with the drive or determination to keep the team alive.  And it will suck, because scholarships are lost, and funding disappears.  But isn't keeping the tradition alive worth it?

I understand how overwhelming it seems, and I would be one of those thinking it's impossible, had I not seen the ASU men's team survive in front of my own eyes.

that's my man and his legs don't work!

It was announced yesterday that Nastia Liukin would be starring on the "hit" CW show "Hellcats."

 
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't watched every episode since the pilot.

So imagine my excitement when I heard the news.

"Hooray!" I thought.  "Nastia, being a former elite level gymnast, will surely be able to pull off some awesome gymnastics-themed plotline on the show!" 

The possibilities are endless!  Maybe she would play a rich, bitchy rival cheerleader.  Or at least be one of the nameless background cheerleaders, I don't know.  I'm either given her too much credit, or the show not enough, but I think Nastia would be able to pull off a number of characters.

So why does she always get stuck playing herself??

If she's only on the show for five seconds to hawk sandwiches, I'm going to lose it. 

I felt the same way when she "starred" on Make It or Break It.  Let me start by saying that you could cast the entire show with real gymnasts, and it would be infinitely better than it is now.

Tell me Alicia wouldn't make a fabulous bitch.  The producers don't know what they're missing by not doing this.  And with Jade as Kaylie, you would be able to have all sorts of emotional scenes.  It's win-win.

But no.  They drag Nastia in to play Elfi Schlegel.

How flattering.  An announcer in a Barney suit hawking more sandwiches.  It's downright shameful.

Which is why I think Nastia, and her creeper agent, need to get her in some real roles ASAP.  Here are a few she has already missed out on.

Again, she could have been a real gymnast on Make It or Break It.

And sticking with the gymnast/cheerleader theme, she would have been a fine pre-Britney on Glee.

Or Bring It On.

She could easily pass as a slutty college student

Plus, if she finds scripted characters too difficult, there is always the option of reality television.

She already has a bigger poof than Snooki

And I think she'd be a real hit on The Real Housewives of Plano.

So many possibilities!  So Nastia, Creepy Agent, producers.  Get on this.  Bags of money are waiting.

students that ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shot should see the school nurse immediately.

I know it's a day late, but whatever, it still counts.  This is as big of a WTF as any. 

This is frightening on several levels. 

First of which, this comes from a seemingly professional, legitimate publication.  It's the Gymnastika magazine, which in itself is awesome because lord knows I'd love for the US to come out with an in-depth gymnastics magazine that was more about gymnastics and less about Chellsie Memmel brand mats or whatever stupid ads the pages are filled with.  This picture was included above a calendar, which leads us to ask

Why does a seemingly professional have a bunch of teenage girls trying to pull off a sexy calendar look? 

If this was, in fact, the goal, then they missed it.  Big time.  The exception of course being Kurbatova.  She's just divine.  I love her dress, and the heels.  She looks like a classy Macy's business suit model. 

The other girls though, YIKES YIKES.  We've all seen them dressed up in their classiest club wear before.  It seems to be the Russian Facebook photo de-jour.  And if you put on your tightest blackest dress, then obviously you need the heels to match.  But why in the world are they on the beam in these things?  Mary Lee Tracy won't even let her girls put chalk on the beam, let alone stomp around in their clod-hoppers.  This is all sorts of wrong.

I'm going to play Tyra for a moment, as a female is who older and therefore much, much wiser.

Musty- Do you have a bellyache?  Unless this is the case, do not pose like that.  Legs together missy. 

Semy- Burn that hat.  I've seen it several times now, and it is not acceptable.  Also, the thick straps on your shoes make your legs look stumpy.

Nabs- I like the bangs pulled back.  Do this more often.  Why are you leaning forward and sticking your rump out?  You don't do this in gym, and you shouldn't do it in real life.  Also, white shoes do not go with a black and red dress. 

Demy- Sigh. 

Afan-  You need to stay away from strapless.  When you shrug your shoulders all the way up to your ears, it makes them look even bigger.  The black tights together with those horrible strappy shoes really cut off the leg line. 

Kurbs- You are perfect and I love you. 

Hopefully some real gymnastics news comes out soon so I have something to do other than rip on teenage girls for their terrible fashion choices. 

suzanne somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.

Let's say, hypothetically, I coached at a gym.  And let's say, hypothetically, a certain World vault gold medal winning Olympian was coming to visit next week.  Hypothetically.  My question is, at what point does it become totally creepy that the coach is coming to you with more questions than the kids?

Of course, the right thing to do would be to not be a creepy adult stalker-face.  But since when am I about doing the right thing?  I was under the assumption that the whole reason for Visas being held in my home state was so that I, Spanny Tampson, might have the opportunity to ask the athletes weirdo questions that go above and beyond the "Um... how do you like gymnastics?" questions. 

So if this all hypothetically happens, say, next week, I'll update you all on the super innovative and fascinating questions I ask.

at least i didn't fall and break my talent.

Chellsie freaking Memmel. 

Instead of blowing up Twitter and having Johnny R. "steal" her training videos to post online, Chellsie has decided to use actual competition as a steppingstone for her comeback.  She has put her money where her mouth is, and is actually out there doing shit, as opposed to just yacking about it.

Respect.

And not only that, she then gives the best interview that I've seen in a long time.  I know she said other things, but all I heard was "Eff you USAG, eff you Marta.  You need shit done?  Well, I'm the poo so take a big whiff."

Word.

The Chinese and Russians know it.  Marta, are you listening?

That has yet to be seen, but you go Glen Coco Chellsie.

Not training 8 hours a day 6 days a week?  No, Marta would not approve.

ZING!

My fear is that she will still end up in a boot sooner rather than later, but whatever.  That was a ballsy interview, and I dug it.  Enough of the "Oh, you know, I just wanted to hit four for four and that's what I did!" 

I get more excited about these "comebacks" as they actually happen.  It's all fine and dandy to whip up the press by SAYING you're doing all of these fabulous things, but I'm more impressed when it actually happens.

they look like deep fried deep poop.

The Progressive Skating and Gymnastics "Spectacular" was not content to make us watch Nastia prance around in daisy-dukes.  Oh no.  We also had the privilege of watching the beautiful and talented Hollie Vise butcher a real Hollywood classic. 

Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is one of the most timeless performances in Hollywood history.  Even if you've never watched anything but Harry Potter your entire life, chances are you still somehow magically know the lyrics to this song.  This image is EVERYWHERE.  I have it as an ornament on my Christmas tree.  This is one of the most popular song-and-dance numbers of all time.

So imagine my excitement when I see Hollie sashay on the floor in a near replica of Marilyn's epic pink dress.

Seems fishy that Nastia would allow Hollie to wear pink in her show, but nevermind all that.  They really went all out, right down to the big ass-bow.  I'm guessing they couldn't find pink gloves, but the white gloves weren't so bad.  Especially compared to the lovely sheer hooker-pumps she got to walk around in.

Marilyn did not wear hooker shoes.  Even these faults did not calm my excitement to see Hollie pull off this iconic routine.  I mean, Marilyn had built-in WOGA choreo!  Buttshelves and everything!

And even WOGA wrists!

The easiest thing in the world for her to do would be to put on a super recognizable pink dress, flex her wrists, stick her ass out, and sashay about.  In other words, do a WOGA routine.  This is all Hollie had to do, and she would have NAILED this number. 

This did not happen.

Don't get me wrong.  We saw the wrists and the shelf.

We also saw Hollie giving what appeared to be a lap dance prior to mounting the beam. 

After which, she does some weird kicky-thing, while the guys stare at her jugs. 

That's not awkward at all.  Slowly but surely, Hollie does make her way onto the beam.  Upon which she busts out some classic Adi Pop choreography, which pretty much consists solely of choo-choo movements. 

And of course, throwing in the random military salute, the quality of which would get me tri-punched by my sister, brother, and fiance if I ever tried it. 

This is followed closely by some Chellsie Memmel inspired booty shaking from what has to be the most unflattering camera angle of all time. 

Hmm, what an interesting angle.  Why in the world would they choose to shoot from here?

Ahhh, you tricky editors!  I see what you did here.  See, in real life, Hollie fell on her front aerial.  But we couldn't have that on TV now could we?  So Hollie had to reshoot at least that portion of the routine, I'm assuming after the audience left.  Which is why she is shot from below, because you can't see that there is no audience.  Very very tricky.

Marilyn didn't get an audience-free reshoot when she faceplanted a curtain in the middle of her number. 

Thus ends my review of this horrible recreation gone wrong.  For the record, I don't blame Hollie, not for one second.  After watching the entirety of the show, it's obvious that choreography, costuming, and song choices were not top priorities.  I imagine it was some combination of artistic direction, who probably though that dressing a gymnast in pink and prancing around in hooker heels would constitute an acceptable number, and Adi Pop, who destroys everything she touches.

you make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when i used to rub them with poison sumac.

Who among us doesn't totally love gymnastics and skating exhibition shows?  What a treat to watch our favorite athletes don skimpy outfits and prance around to butchered versions of today's Top 40 hits.  I, for one, have no problem paying to watch Olympic caliber gymnasts do back handsprings and walkovers. 

The Progressive Skating and Gymnastics "Spectacular" (irony much?) gave one Miss Nastia Liukin an opportunity to debut her new super secret Twitter guessing-game floor exercise.  Using music a bunch of girls have used before, Nastia put before us an aggressive display of butt-shelves and side boob.

Nastia has always been a posey gymnast.  Some people love it, some people hate it.  I never minded it, as it seemed to suit her.  She had fluid movement between poses, and dammit, they were HER poses.  No one could pull off a WOGA-posey routine quite the way Nastia did.  Although Lord knows they tried.  Oh, how did they try.

Her latest routine does not disappoint.  That is, if you really love ass, side boob, and wrists.

Oh, and skating dresses.  With a whole bunch of mesh cutouts.

This little number was ripped right the Vanessa Ferrari book, How to Succeed at Making Viewers Really Uncomfortable.  And successful she was.  She also seemed to be channeling a bit of the Gutsu here, wasn't she?  

The armbands are something, aren't they?  I wonder why they're there.  Not to be outdone, the high-cut neck really brings attention to her Lauren Tanner hair. 

But nevermind all that.  The real star of the show is the fantastic choreography.  It's like Nastia took her old poses, and just thrusted them into overdrive.

They're the old poses, just done a lot slower, and a whole lot deeper. 

One of my favorites, and a real classic, is the time-tested flamingo pose. 

Outstanding. 

In all fairness, she does hit a few really nice shapes.  This one never gets old.

And while this is still rather posey, I still like it. 

See, it's not all bad.  But for the most part, it was really, really bad.  There is still time, perhaps she will mellow out before/if she ever competes this routine.