Who Did It Best?

WHO DID IT BEST?

A. The sultry and shoeless Aliya Mustafina.

Pardon the watermark, as it is quite fugly. 

B. The lithe and extension-clad Nastia Liukin.

C. The virginal, nuggety Shawn Johnson.

D. Our newest entrant, totally not a vampire Catalina Ponor.

If you answered any of the above, you would be wrong.  The correct response is secret answer E.  I have no clue who this is, but she's doing it right. 

that's my man and his legs don't work!

It was announced yesterday that Nastia Liukin would be starring on the "hit" CW show "Hellcats."

 
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't watched every episode since the pilot.

So imagine my excitement when I heard the news.

"Hooray!" I thought.  "Nastia, being a former elite level gymnast, will surely be able to pull off some awesome gymnastics-themed plotline on the show!" 

The possibilities are endless!  Maybe she would play a rich, bitchy rival cheerleader.  Or at least be one of the nameless background cheerleaders, I don't know.  I'm either given her too much credit, or the show not enough, but I think Nastia would be able to pull off a number of characters.

So why does she always get stuck playing herself??

If she's only on the show for five seconds to hawk sandwiches, I'm going to lose it. 

I felt the same way when she "starred" on Make It or Break It.  Let me start by saying that you could cast the entire show with real gymnasts, and it would be infinitely better than it is now.

Tell me Alicia wouldn't make a fabulous bitch.  The producers don't know what they're missing by not doing this.  And with Jade as Kaylie, you would be able to have all sorts of emotional scenes.  It's win-win.

But no.  They drag Nastia in to play Elfi Schlegel.

How flattering.  An announcer in a Barney suit hawking more sandwiches.  It's downright shameful.

Which is why I think Nastia, and her creeper agent, need to get her in some real roles ASAP.  Here are a few she has already missed out on.

Again, she could have been a real gymnast on Make It or Break It.

And sticking with the gymnast/cheerleader theme, she would have been a fine pre-Britney on Glee.

Or Bring It On.

She could easily pass as a slutty college student

Plus, if she finds scripted characters too difficult, there is always the option of reality television.

She already has a bigger poof than Snooki

And I think she'd be a real hit on The Real Housewives of Plano.

So many possibilities!  So Nastia, Creepy Agent, producers.  Get on this.  Bags of money are waiting.

you make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when i used to rub them with poison sumac.

Who among us doesn't totally love gymnastics and skating exhibition shows?  What a treat to watch our favorite athletes don skimpy outfits and prance around to butchered versions of today's Top 40 hits.  I, for one, have no problem paying to watch Olympic caliber gymnasts do back handsprings and walkovers. 

The Progressive Skating and Gymnastics "Spectacular" (irony much?) gave one Miss Nastia Liukin an opportunity to debut her new super secret Twitter guessing-game floor exercise.  Using music a bunch of girls have used before, Nastia put before us an aggressive display of butt-shelves and side boob.

Nastia has always been a posey gymnast.  Some people love it, some people hate it.  I never minded it, as it seemed to suit her.  She had fluid movement between poses, and dammit, they were HER poses.  No one could pull off a WOGA-posey routine quite the way Nastia did.  Although Lord knows they tried.  Oh, how did they try.

Her latest routine does not disappoint.  That is, if you really love ass, side boob, and wrists.

Oh, and skating dresses.  With a whole bunch of mesh cutouts.

This little number was ripped right the Vanessa Ferrari book, How to Succeed at Making Viewers Really Uncomfortable.  And successful she was.  She also seemed to be channeling a bit of the Gutsu here, wasn't she?  

The armbands are something, aren't they?  I wonder why they're there.  Not to be outdone, the high-cut neck really brings attention to her Lauren Tanner hair. 

But nevermind all that.  The real star of the show is the fantastic choreography.  It's like Nastia took her old poses, and just thrusted them into overdrive.

They're the old poses, just done a lot slower, and a whole lot deeper. 

One of my favorites, and a real classic, is the time-tested flamingo pose. 

Outstanding. 

In all fairness, she does hit a few really nice shapes.  This one never gets old.

And while this is still rather posey, I still like it. 

See, it's not all bad.  But for the most part, it was really, really bad.  There is still time, perhaps she will mellow out before/if she ever competes this routine.