Nastia's Big Announcement!

DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS???

Shawn's going to make sure you have heard the fucking news.  Just because it's been four years since your last competitive success doesn't mean you can't plaster your name and face all over the media.  And what better time to remind everyone of your exploits than the Olympic Games in which you are not competing?

Now, there are few things we can be certain of in this world.  Death, taxes, and Nastia trying to one-up Shawn with her own grand announcement.

I'm aware that Nastia just announced some partnership with some shitty hair care line, don't care.  Think BIGGER, people.

That's more like it.  Mark my words. 

Four Year Fans: Shawn Johnson Edition: 892352490mailbox999

At least some fans are kind of hilarious. 

You Totally Look Like Shawn Johnson

Sometimes I am blown away by the reach that Olympic gymnastics has into the lives of normal, everyday people.  I'm still shocked that people know who Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin are, because I am so accustomed to being the only freak on the block who really cares about gymnastics.  But then I remember that once every four years, the likes of Al Trautwig and Tim Daggett visit our homes and poison the minds of children. 

I'm always surprised to see a mainstream Shawn Johnson.  I mean, I know she's a scrappy bitch who is working HARD for every minute of fame, but it's still weird to me that Sally Housewife knows who she is.  Also, Sally Housewife's kids.  Sally Housewife's kids with access to Twitter.

I guess the way kids gain self esteem these days is not by participating in sports, or the theatre club, or bydoing well in school.  Nope, the better, faster way to get it is to post on Twitter endlessly about how you TOTALLY  look like Shawn Johnson. 

Let's remind ourselves what Shawn Johnson *actually looks like.

There appears to be three separate types of girls who truly believe they look like Shawn Johnson. 

1.  Ugh, EVERYONE tells me I look like Shawn Johnson.  As if!  I am so insulted that people are supposedly saying I look like a girl that everyone says is hot.  

2. People say I look like Shawn Johnson.  I acknowledge that.  Please look at all my pictures and tell me what you think about them. 

3.  I was told I look like Shawn Johnson.  Boys think she's hot.  I understand that, by proxy, that also makes me hot.  Success!

It should be noted that none of the above appear to resemble Shawn at all. 

If I ever have kids, they're not touching the internet until they're 21.

*might not actually look like that.

Best of Twitter: Shawn Johnson Edition Part Two

Oh Shawn Johnson.  Will your wonders never end? 

Who Did It Best?

WHO DID IT BEST?

A. The sultry and shoeless Aliya Mustafina.

Pardon the watermark, as it is quite fugly. 

B. The lithe and extension-clad Nastia Liukin.

C. The virginal, nuggety Shawn Johnson.

D. Our newest entrant, totally not a vampire Catalina Ponor.

If you answered any of the above, you would be wrong.  The correct response is secret answer E.  I have no clue who this is, but she's doing it right. 

Best of Twitter: Shawn Johnson Edition

Oh Twitter.  Oh teenagers.  Oh teenagers with Twitter.

Shawn Johnson's super surprising not at all foreseen retirement has spawned a large number of reactions, most of which range from "No shit, we're not fucking stupid" to "Meh" to "OMGGGG no metals for America nowww!"  Here are some of my personal favorites.

As always, click to enlarge.  That's what she said. 

So yeah.  Shawn Johnson retired.  Team USA remains exactly the same.  The end. 

this is not happening. the cruel, slow motion laughter is just a figment of your imagination.

Obviously, the big news of the week is the return of Shawn "Rocky" Johnson.  I gave her the nickname, by the way.  This will be a comeback of epic proportions.

Personally, I am a Shawn fan.  I always have been.  I was lucky enough to see her compete live in 2006.  She was, what, 14 then?  And even at that age, she managed to out-PERFORM almost everyone, junior or senior.  Yes, I said perform.  Why, you ask?  Because gymnastics is a PERFORMANCE. 

It's hard to define stage presence, and it's even harder to convey that concept to a young girl.  But I don't think anyone ever had to do that with Shawn.  She just got it.

Some jerks in the gymworld are spazzing their faces off.  Yes, Shawn has been out of training for a year and a half.  Yes, she walked out of a handstand in a 5 second video that everyone saw.  No, she is not in competitive shape right now.

People are obviously obsessed with Shawn's body shape.  She's a gymnast, so whatever.  But it makes me sad to see so many people just tear her to shreds, based on her physical appearance.  People need to relax with the whole judgment thing.

Coming from someone who has had two separate knee surgeries, I can personally tell you that you gain weight in like a day.  I'm not some obese monster who has McDonalds hooked up to her veins, either.  I eat well, I'm in decent shape.  And yet I gained weight with both of my surgeries.

So heaven forbid Shawn isn't a fucking waif a few months out from her operation.  And I know we're all just going to DIE if she walks out of a handstand, or doesn't have an Amanar in 6 weeks from now.

I'm excited.  I think it bodes well for the sport.  Regardless of what happens, I'll be proud of her for giving it a shot.  Having regrets sucks worse than dealing with a few lame internet losers.