this is not happening. the cruel, slow motion laughter is just a figment of your imagination.

Obviously, the big news of the week is the return of Shawn "Rocky" Johnson.  I gave her the nickname, by the way.  This will be a comeback of epic proportions.

Personally, I am a Shawn fan.  I always have been.  I was lucky enough to see her compete live in 2006.  She was, what, 14 then?  And even at that age, she managed to out-PERFORM almost everyone, junior or senior.  Yes, I said perform.  Why, you ask?  Because gymnastics is a PERFORMANCE. 

It's hard to define stage presence, and it's even harder to convey that concept to a young girl.  But I don't think anyone ever had to do that with Shawn.  She just got it.

Some jerks in the gymworld are spazzing their faces off.  Yes, Shawn has been out of training for a year and a half.  Yes, she walked out of a handstand in a 5 second video that everyone saw.  No, she is not in competitive shape right now.

People are obviously obsessed with Shawn's body shape.  She's a gymnast, so whatever.  But it makes me sad to see so many people just tear her to shreds, based on her physical appearance.  People need to relax with the whole judgment thing.

Coming from someone who has had two separate knee surgeries, I can personally tell you that you gain weight in like a day.  I'm not some obese monster who has McDonalds hooked up to her veins, either.  I eat well, I'm in decent shape.  And yet I gained weight with both of my surgeries.

So heaven forbid Shawn isn't a fucking waif a few months out from her operation.  And I know we're all just going to DIE if she walks out of a handstand, or doesn't have an Amanar in 6 weeks from now.

I'm excited.  I think it bodes well for the sport.  Regardless of what happens, I'll be proud of her for giving it a shot.  Having regrets sucks worse than dealing with a few lame internet losers.

you two should be wetting yourselves with shame.

And now, it's time for another edition of what I like to call

WTF WEDNESDAY. 

Sometimes, you see things that just make you cock your head to the side, and stare awkwardly.

Let us begin.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that Komova is just one of those young kids that mindlessly accepts every Facebook request that she gets.  If that's not the case, then... I think we know why the Russians have better expression than the rest of us.

So, speaking of Komova, that girl brings up the weirdest suggestions on Youtube.

If you'll remember, a few weeks ago I noted that Youtube is one big conspiracy that tries to get you to watch videos about sleep walking dogs, when all you really want to see are the latest Pac routines.

Because I enjoyed a few routines from the tiny Russian, Youtube believes that would also enjoy these:

Ok, the guns I get, because of the guns in her latest FX.  But the air crash investigation?  Not too sure what that's about.  But the one that really gets me is the one about the tank.  Some gymnasts truly do remind me of tanks.  Vika is not one of them.

The one gymnast who seems to draw more bizarre YT recommendations than even Komova is our dear He Kexin.

To start, unzipping anything and having it in your face is bad.  So we'll move on.  Brain damage and, what I believe goes on to say triple colon cancer??  I'd love to know what correlation that has with He Kexin's UB.  The "lies" and the lame one about being too old I get.  Yes yes, she's underage, that's old news.  What I don't understand is how Kexin = Joe Jonas.  Maybe teenage girls really like her.

Jordyn Wieber pulls up some weird ones.  Such as:

A little young to be a legend, perhaps.  No longer a myth after Pac, that's for sure.  But what she has to do with Akon, I have absolutely no clue.

This one, while kind of mind-boggling, actually makes a lot of sense.

As does this.

But not so much this.

Finally, we have these poor Chinese girls.  I for one would love to believe that there is some relation between Tan Sexin and super galactic beat manipulators.

But the biggest WTF in all the WTFs is this: what does some little boy bending over and checking out his junk complete with creepy smiley face have to do with a Chinese gymnast?  I'm ok never knowing the answer to that.

I'm sure we all have WTFs in our lives.  But if you're watching videos of Komova or Kexin, then you probably have a few extra ones.

i don't know how to turn on my computer.

 First of all, this is just about the catchiest diddy of all time. 

Now, because the original commercial happened to play during last week's Glee, I may have rewatched it 700 times in the past week.  Rough estimate.  And every time I would think to myself

Well WTF.  What sport has evolved more than gymnastics? 

I also thought Gatorade was cool because they put Chellsie in their last commercial, but apparently I was wrong.  WHAT THE HELL GATORADE?

So I took matters into my own hands.

Behold: the new and improved Gatorade commercial ala Spanny F. Tampson. 

You're welcome.

i'm engorged with venom, and triumph.

I posted awhile back about fancy gymnastics-themed cakes, right?  Well, maybe the bakers read my blog (right) because all of a sudden, the cakes got SO much better!

Some are just adorable.  Like, this one makes me want to have kids just so I can throw them parties with cake.

Yeah, the bars are a little wonky.  And blue.  And the beam is a nice shade of maroon.  I don't even care, because little Precious Moments kids are wearing leos and headbands.   The fondant is shiny and awkward, but I don't give a crap.  Headbands.

This involves rhythmic gym, but OMG.  My cuteness meter just exploded.

WHAAAT???  How would you even cut that?  I would cry if I even tried.  That is so cute, it freaks me out.

I love the colors in this one.

The doll is so 60s-70s, I love it.  Small deductions for the flexed feet and short sleeved leo.  Other than that, a perfect 16.725.

This is where we start our descent into what I call "Not So Much."

The bars were a nice effort, even if the girl is just humongous.  And I'm digging the poofy 80s rolled down socks.  Reminds me of DJ Tanner.  The beam is where it starts to get sketchy.  The gymnast looks like she's going through an exorcism, another victim of head-on-backwards disease.  The beam also appears to be a tree trunk.  While matching the pommel horse, which also looks like a home for the Keebler Elves.  Also, you can't see it entirely in this pic, but there's also some inexplicable round thing by the pommels.  Just an orange round thing. 

This one's just... what???  Like, I checked, it wasn't for a yoga party.  It was for a gymnastics party.

Just a girl, face down in the mats.  I mean, yes, I guess you could feasibly see this position at some point in time, but really?  Of ALL the positions in the world, you choose FACEPLANT?

I, for one, am not a huge fan of polyester hair in my food.  That's just me.

Still kind of cute though.  I'd like to think that that's Alicia on the trampoline, Nastia on floor, and Bross on beam.

This girl's just dangling her leg off of the side.  OK.

Nice handstand position though.  And the kid... is he doing a bridge??  Or some weird crabwalk?

And last, but not least, we have.... this.

I don't really even know what's going on here.  The air traffic controller/rhythmic dancer.  The kid in the red's either doing a bridge or some sort of Bogi dance.  The bumblebee splits are the only thing that even kind of make sense in this picture.  Throw in some shiny rust colored flesh, and a few random flowers, and voila.

Gymnastics cake.

i'm about to projectile express myself all over your hush puppies.

So, in light of my rant regarding internet bulldogs, I thought it would be beneficial to figure out if this was a recent development in gymnastics, or if this has, in fact, been a part of the sport all along.

I decided to travel back in time to October of 1996.  I brought the internet with me.

And what I found was a world not unlike today's.  People still had beef, fans still had their faves, and there was plenty of healthy speculation.

Let's have a look, shall we?

*So, the pics are super small.  Crud.  Just click on them, and you should be able to see them up close. 

Wow.  I had no idea how many people cared about Peggy Liddick leaving.  Perhaps it was the scandal of its time. 

Seems like no one gave a crap about those tours... that can't be right.  I LOVED the "real" tour starring the "Super Six."  Oh, and these two nameless extras... who were they again?  Oh.  That's right.  Kim Zmeskal and Lilia Podkopayeva.  Just them.  

Seems like the Shannon thread had a lot of looky loos, but not a lot of posters.  I imagine people were weary of igniting yet another Shannon vs. Gutsu/Moceanu/Dawes/More Gutsu debate. 

Hmm.  This one looks familiar...

And I swear I've seen this before.

Yup.  Fourteen years later, and Khorkina fans haven't changed one bit. 

I'd love to go even further back, and see what effect Barcelona would have had on the ol' message boards.  I'm pretty sure the whole internet would have just exploded. 

So, turns out that gym fans have been psychotic all along.  Now I know.

i'm so sorry. i fully understand if you want to beat me up. just avoid my nose.

Ladies and gentlemen, today's topic is a little something I like to call

Internetiquette.

Etiquette (pronounced [,eti'ket])- a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group.

Internetiquette- doing that on the internet.

Seriously.  What is it about big meets that just brings the freakshow out of gym fans?  Things tend to calm down a bit, and become more civil between meets.  But then you have a weekend with both Euros and Pac, and it's like, people lose their shiz over it!

Message boards, in general, can be a scary place.  In theory, they are places to gather, and politely discuss common interests.

In reality, they're terrifying.  I remember being thrilled when I first found a gym board, back in 2005.  None of my real life friends gave a crap about gymnastics, so the idea of discussing my favorite sport with other fans was really enticing to me.

Until I realized how MEAN PEOPLE ARE.

Holy balls, you guys, it's gymnastics!  On what planet can you justify just tearing other people apart for daring to like a gymnast?  You're not 100% up to speed with the current code and all of its rules and deductions?  You're fucking stupid.  You happen to like a B-team gymnast who doesn't win medals every day?  Good luck with those D-scores, chump.

Just the veracity and hate that some people write with blows my mind.  I always thought you were a fan of something because you LIKED that thing.  These people seem to ultimately hate gymnastics.  Focus is solely on deductions, lack of artistry, and fugly toes.  No one ever says anything good about anyone.

I think it's cool to share your opinion.  You likes what you likes.  No one's going to change that.  But it is not a DISCUSSION when you instantly shoot down other people's opinions. 

Message boards are a hotbed for this kind of behavior.  These posters, and I have to believe that they are not entirely socially adjusted, hide behind their computer screens and just trash what anyone else has to say.  Trashing opinions.  If I'm wrong about a score or deduction, then by all means, correct me.  I'll be the first to admit that I am no code guru.  But I am not "wrong" for liking a gymnast that you don't care for.

I thank Madonna every day that I wasn't active on any boards during 2008.  I was blissfully unaware that there was anything known as "Nastia vs. Shawn." 

I happily rooted for both girls, appreciating them both for their fine gymnastics.  It wasn't until later, when I joined a new board, that I realized that I had committed a cardinal sin: I liked both Shawn AND Nastia.

Since then, I have realized that the internet is full of HATE.  We seemingly exist just to criticize gymnastics.  Bent knees, flexed wrists, too posey, dead hangs, flingy layout, low chest, fat butt.  Yes, all of these things are bad, but why don't we ever stop and point out "WOW.  That was really nice to watch.  Good job."

I'm not suggesting we get all Stick It and pretend that deductions don't exist.  This sport is meant to be judged.  But it is exhausting to read over and over all of these horrible, negative things about a sport that we're supposed to like.

So you disagree with another poster on the internet.  I'm cool with that.  However, it is the way that difference is expressed that grinds my gears.

Have some fucking common courtesy.  Do not berate, or talk down to someone just because they have different tastes.  If it is a technical issue, such as a code score, do not flip your shit if someone else gets it wrong.  Calmly explain to them the correction.  And then, who knows, someone might actually learn something. 

This goes back to my rant about Youtube judges.  Don't watch three videos, read the comments, and then go online and freak out at everyone who doesn't know what bonus D+D+C gets.

I don't know why I'm ranting about this.  I feel as though this weekend has really brought out the worst in people.  Like, is it not OK just to enjoy the gymnasts?  Watch a routine without writing a 6 page dissertation about ALLLLLLLL of the deductions?  Compliment a certain gymnast without having to fight to the death with everyone else?

If I'm a coach, or a parent of a gymnast, I FORBID my girls to ever get on these boards.

So people, can we act as if we're actually FANS of the sport?  Or are we doomed to forever use the internet as some douchey mask for our deep, severely troubled personal issues?

not everyone is gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance. but i will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.

OMG.  Somebody needs to buy this before I do.

Your very own team of Barbie gymnasts.

Obviously, these ones aren't as cool as mine.  Note the unitards.  But you could own your very own for significantly less than I paid.  Frick. 

The real Barbie on the left is useless, but the other four with their equipment would so be worth it.  Take it from me, having them do Amy Chow-style straddle paks on the bars is really fun. 

I'll write something more wonderful and fascinating later.  I also just want to say how cool it is to see people from all over the world reading this blog, thanks largely to Coach Rick over at http://gymnasticscoaching.com.  I'd by lying if I said I didn't feel some pressure now to actually write something interesting.   Don't hold your breath, but I'll try.