you wanna party? it's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.

The Olympic year.  So many arguments to have.  Who will win team gold?  What about the AA?  Is Romania screwed now that they've seemed to forgo bars entirely?  How many legs will be broken this year on our way to trials?

As we all know, I prefer to focus on the more superficial aspects of the sport.  Like hair and outfits.  And in my opinion, it is never too early to start trashing discussing leotards. 

Let's start with a controversial topic: #hotpinknation.  I have a very long list of shit I think is stupid.  This is near the top.

Nastia, I will give you credit.  This worked.  FOR YOU.  Back in 2008.  OMG, she won the AA in stunning fashion while wearing her signature color!  It really was a great moment, and probably made you a shitton of money.  But now it is time to let it die.  It was uncomfortable to watch every USAG girl in the following years be washed out while wearing the apparently now patriotic pink.

"Look at me!  I'm the new Nastia!"

Oh my god.  Let it die.  I think I can speak for the entire planet when I say 

STOP TRYING TO MAKE #HOTPINKNATION HAPPEN.  IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

What with Nastia on the selection committee, and for all we know in the UB lineup, expect to see more horrid #hotpinkgarbage with a huge picture of Nastia's face on it.  

Now, one might argue that Nastia isn't in charge of what leotards USAG wears.  I'd say you're wrong, but that's a different argument for a different day.  Let's say Martha was in charge?

Bitch and complain about Martha and #hotpinknation as I will, nothing compares to the atrocities that countries like Italy has rained upon us.  What kind of pornographic nightmare will they lay on us this year?

So completely appropriate.  That said, there are ways to wear a completely fugly leotard without displaying all of your lady bits.  Or prepubescent teenage girl bits, whatever.  One word: sparkles.

Nothing says "I hate fashion" like a forest of bedazzled sparkles. No country is immune from this shit.  It's never a question of "Do you want sparkles on your leotard?"  It's always "Where can I put MILLIONS of sparkles on this thing?!" 

Some countries take all of the guesswork out of leotards, and just wear whatever other countries wore a few years earlier.  For example, Russia seems to just LOVE old American leotards.  We're lucky, for the most part, in that they take old American designs and make them a little less garish, a little more tasteful.  But I still wonder if there's a GK outlet somewhere near Round Lake. 

"Oh Spanny.  You hate ALL the leotards.  Will there ever be one that you approve of??" 

Yes.  Yes there is one I would approve of.

Now THAT'S a leotard!  It would look stunning on everyone, really.  We need to make this happen.


I do enjoy when leotards make a statement.  Do I like it when that statement is "Come and see how great my jugs look in this bedazzled mesh!"  No.  I hate that.  I like leotards that show how athletic and artistic the sport is.  However, if a powerful statement must be made via leotard, then I hope it's this one:

i've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.

Welcome back!  Aren't you excited?!  These girls are very excited.  Especially Kaylie, probably because she gets to wear a Nastia Liukin leotard.

I'd love to waste time and explain why I haven't blogged for a million years, but no one gives a crap.  So on with the recap!

If you'll recall, we left with Lauren being a hoebag and boning Creepy Carter after the "big kegger" the girls used to rebel against their new coach, Sasha from Romania with the British accent.

Ok, so Creepy Carter stuck it in Lauren, and now Lauren feels bad because Kaylie is her friend, but she's still going to go after Creepy with everything she's got.  So you know, fuck the friendship.  Despite being an evil little girl, Lauren inexplicably feels some guilt, which leads us into our first scene of the day.  Lauren being remorseful at church, co-starring Sister Mary Summer.

"Let me be pure again."  Fat chance, Slutty McSlutterton.  Also feeling a tad regretful is Kaylie, who is hungover out of her mind.  Funny what two beers will do to you.

Daddy Tanner slut-shames his daughter while the pastor rains praise upon Sister Mary Summer.  Lauren has little time to be a bitch about it, because Sasha is calling in the Main Four for a little extra workout.  Emily flips out because she is scheduled to work a double at the Pizza Shack.  Oh noes!  The gracious Bitchface Chloe offers to solve everything by heading down to the Shack herself to sweet talk Emily's meth-head boss.

At the Rock, Kaylie is totally Captain Obvious, and makes sure the whole world knows about her hangover.

Just barf already, jeez.  The girls fear that Sasha knows all about their party, which of course he does, because he's the all knowing Sasha.  He tosses the girls some beers, and then pounds one.  A beer, not a girl.

It is taking all of my might to keep from photoshopping this picture.

Sasha lectures the girls for attending a party, which is obviously the worst thing in the entire world they could possibly do, second only to having a part time job at the Pizza Shack.  He decides to punish them by making them condition, possibly for the first time in their lives.

Over at the Pizza Shack, Bitchface tries to have a word with Emily's meth-head boss, but is brutally rebuffed when Methy tells her that if Emily doesn't show up, she's fired.  So, Bitchface does what I'm sure any restaurant would totally let her do, and starts working for Emily.  I love how anyone and everyone can and will work for the Pizza Shack on a moment's notice.  No training?  No problem.  Just jump right in!

Over at Casa de Cruz, Creepy Carter shows up to stalk Kaylie.  WHILST WEARING FLIP FLOPS.  OMG, there is nothing, NOTHING, nastier than nasty guys showing off their nasty feet.  Absolutely nothing.

Oh, I have also decided that I hate Creepy's face so much, that from now on I will replacing it with a face that I happen to like very much.  And that face is of current LA King Willie Mitchell.  It really just makes everyone's experience much more pleasant.  Especially mine.

Ahhhhhhhh.  Much better.  Anyway, Leo tells Creepy that Sasha called the girls in for this brand new thing called conditioning.  Creepy flips out, because he knows Lauren has a fat mouth and will be telling Kaylie about their boner-thon at any moment.

At the gym, the girls are laying on their backs, with their legs straight in the air.  Not at an angle, but 90 degrees straight toward the sky.  Nice try, but that's not real conditioning.

Bring your legs down a little, then MAYBE you'll get something out of it.  This is clearly too much for Kaylie, however, because as soon as Lauren mentions Creepy Carter, Kaylie folds.

Back at Casa de Cruz, Creepy Carter is for some reason confessing everything to Kaylie's brother Leo.  Leo tells Creepy to keep his fucking mouth shut to Kaylie, and then punches him in his fat gut.

At the Rock, the girls are climbing the ropes.  They are really struggling, aren't they?  Daddy Tanner comes in to lecture Sasha about something or another, and Lauren assumes this means she's free to jet.

Daddy Tanner is up Sasha's butt to get the board to re-hire him.  Sasha clearly doesn't give a fuck.  The girls take Sasha's absence as an opportunity to heckle each other some more about that stupid party.

Sasha is outside gathering a trash can, when Creepy rolls up trying to get into the gym.  Sasha isn't fucking stupid, and tells Creepy to bounce.  Sasha comes back inside, and has the girls stop doing these stupid, fake, modified pull up things on the LB.  Good thing too, because they're just so tired!

I don't know why Payson looks like a duck.  Sasha tells the girls to sit their asses down, and hands them paper to write down all of their secrets.  He encourages them to write all sorts of horrible things about one another, with the promise that he'll torch all of the paper.

Who in the world wears their hair down to a workout, by the way?  Kaylie quickly gets to work.

Is her arm broken?  That looks like it hurts.  The girls finish writing, and put their papers into the trash can.  But before he lights them on fire, Sasha insists on reading them.  Asshole move, dude.

Payson bitches about how she's better than everyone else.  Kaylie complains about Lauren being a slut, and Lauren moans about Emily beating her.  Emily cries about being alone, and about how all of the other girls are evil.  The girls survive this, and think that they're through for the day, but Sasha has other plans.  It's time to clean the gym!  But not before bitching at each other for a little while first.

Emily finally puts the kabosh in this little pity party.  She reminds the girls that she has to work a real job, which is the hardest and worst thing anyone could ever have to do ever.  This gets the girls in gear, and they finally start to clean. 

Back at the Pizza Shack, Bitchface Chloe is still covering for Emily.  While working, she manages to dump all of Emily's secret information to Demon.  I'm not sure why this is a big deal, but it is.  Methy breaks up the party over cheese sticks, or some such.

Over at the Rock, the girls are scrubbing away.  Kaylie tells Emily to sneak out and go to work, but the other girls are a bunch of pusses and don't want her to.

But Kaylie gives one of her little speeches, and suddenly everyone is on board.  But since the girls are essentially locked in (again, totally legal) they debate how to get her out of the gym.  And really, there is only one solution.

This is a fail-proof plan.  Emily's little chicken arms are going to climb the rope, vault out of the window, shimmy down the other side, and she'll totally find a way back in after her shift at the Pizza Shack.  Fail-proof plan. 

Sasha momentarily wonders where Emily is, but easily buys the "She's been in the bathroom for 3 hours" excuse.  He's got other things to worry about, like who to have run the gym.  Payson's mom shows up, and bitches him out for stealing her family away on Family Day.  In turn, he offers her the management position at the Rock.

At the Pizza Shack, where anything goes, Bitchface Chloe and Demon are starting to wonder where Emily is.

Those pizzas look really good right now.  I need to eat something.  Emily rolls into the Shack at the exact moment that Bitchface tells Demon that Emily has never been kissed.  HORROR!

Over at the Rock, the girls are bored with cleaning, and thus start to divulge more secrets.  Lauren first: she's no longer a virgin.  Like she was one before.  Bitch, please.

Kaylie is as skeptical as I am.  Payson is horrified.  She is very wise, and knows that boning a guy will stimulate your hormones, and make you grow huge boobs and an ass.  Homeschool.

What is it with ABC Family, and their singular use of the term "have sex."  There is no other way to phrase it, they only use the words "HAVE SEX" over and over and over again.  Bone, screw, bang, hook up, put it in, do the horizontal mambo, I don't know.  TRY ANY OF THOSE. 

Lauren's confession leads to Kaylie confessing that she has a boyfriend, and then suddenly everyone is all BFFs again and they have a big, nasty gym-water fight.

So either they're squirting dirty water at each other, or they're spraying cleaning chemicals.  I'm not really happy with either option.  Creepy Carter managed to wrangle his way into the gym, finally, and Kaylie sprints over to make out with him in front of everyone.

Kaylie reassures him that it's OK because everyone knows about their nasty little love affair.  Lauren is simply thrilled.

Back at the Pizza Shack, Demon is harassing Emily about her secret life as a gymnast.  Super secret information.  She just wants to get out of there, so she can go back to doing fake conditioning at the Rock, but Demon won't cover for her until she does a standing back tuck.  She is very impressed by Demon's extensive knowledge of gymnastics.

Yeah, I totally bought that.  The crowd politely claps, and she races off to rejoin the sluts at the Rock.  She just barely makes it back in time before Sasha is onto them.  Is he the stupidest person on the planet or what?

He gives them some nonsense about lighting each other's candles, which seems overtly sexual to me, but whatever.   The girls giggle and laugh and are best friends FOREVER now.  Emily is naturally confused as fuck.

She doesn't have a whole lot of time to mull over it, because Kaylie dumps a huge bucket full of nasty, dirty, chemical-filled water all over her.

Oh hoo hoo haa haa hee hee, so much fun!  I would be suing a bitch, that's all I'm going to say.  But these girls don't care, because they're the very best of friends that ever were!

The girls finally get to escape the Rock.  Everyone's respective parents pick them up, and everyone seems happy, more or less.  Even Emily is almost kind of civil to her sweet, vivacious mother.  After everyone leaves, Creepy saunters up to Lauren, and apologizes for boning her when he doesn't even like her.  Lauren plays it cool, and acts like this isn't crushing her soul.

I've asked it before, and I'll ask it again: why in God's name does anyone give a fuck about this Creepy Carter?  He is absolutely the worst thing in all of television.  I enjoy knowing that he is a non-issue in the second season, and God willing, he doesn't exist in the third.

Until next week, friends, may your best friends be slutty and your leotards ill-fitting!

i'm really worried people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms.

Another year, another horrible gymnastics and skating "spectacular."  And spectacular they are!  Spectacularly horrifying. 

This fall's show was no different than any other production that we've been subjected to.  Sub this tween pop singer for that, Nastia still flails about to whatever garbage that the kids are listening to these days.  A few back handsprings, nothing more, and that's your show.

I could end the recap there, but then you'd all miss out on all the delightful imagery from the show, and we just can't have that. 

We open up with three mannequins giving us a rundown of tonight's performance, which includes Nastia having a wardrobe malfunction while the talented Greyson Chance plays the piano. 

A piece of advice: if there is a huge black triangle where your crotch should be, your dress is too short. 

I have a lot of respect for gymnasts who do it all: elite, then NCAA, and finally pro.  That said... what is with "The Courtneys?"  Is this a thing?  Are they a package deal? 

It's hilarious to watch C. McCool flit about and do exhibition-level crap while C. Kupets just rips off elite level skills.  How does Kupets ALWAYS look like she could walk on to an Olympic Team? 

These lucky girls got tasked with performing on beam while some skinny kid warbled on about God knows what.  I'm sorry, I know I'm old, but is this what the kids are into these days?  Is this considered attractive?  Because I want to punch him.  He looks like a wiener.  It must be said. 

These routines cannot be professionally choreographed.  There is no way.  I'm pretty sure the C's rolled up like, the day before, and were all "Ok.  We need a routine.  Quick, make something up!" 

 It took them a good 400 minutes to even get on the beam.  For awhile it was a cross between a ballet barre and horizontal stripper pole.  They also prove to be 100% incapable of doing anything at all in unison.  Unless, of course, that was their intention, in which case I say GOOD JOB LADIES.  Well done.  Kupets does a Gator chomp while McCool reaches up like a teapot.  They didn't manage to do their switch side leaps together, but they did manage to bend over and stick their asses out as a team.  That was the only timing they got right.  For ex-teammates/BFFS with the twinsie names, they seem to have zero awareness of what the other is doing at all times.  It's very curious. 

 Following this was the second of Nastia's billion prancing around numbers.  This time, she was backed up by SNOTTY LITTLE BRAT GIRL WHO HAS MELTDOWNS IN RESTAURANTS WHEN THEY WON'T SERVE HER TEENAGE ASS PROSECCO.  Not to be outdone by this horrible little girl's outfit or singing, Nastia tries her hardest by wearing what can only be considered the Avril Lavigne of spandex outfits. 

Nastia is very hardcore with her torn pink shirt, and pink leg warmers.  Now, as someone who successfully rocked legwarmers for an amount of time, all I can say is that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

I give up.  She is clearly incapable of holding her arms like a human being.  I know I harp on this.  It's only because I care.  Nastia has it in her to produce BEAUTIFUL shapes and lines.

More this.

Less this.

And definitely no this. 

Nastia takes a break from her super high level back handsprings to play kicky face with a couple of the skaters.  

I thought that was as awkward as it could get, but then they had a brief infomercial where Nastia and Jared the Subway guy have lunch ON TOP OF THE BEAM, so yeah, that kind of maxes out the awkward meter.  

Nice Toddlers and Tiaras hair, Nast.  Continuing the HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWKWARD theme, the Courtneys are back with a hip hop (???) number on FX.  

Why is Kupets wearing a cape?  Giggles abound as McCool does some RO leaps while Kupets busts out huge double pikes.  

I know this was a thing that started at Georgia or whatever, but when did McCool become a dancer?  Was it uncomfortable when the real backup dancers showed up and danced behind the chicken legged wiener kid?  This is why I hate the SEC.  

Greyson Chance is so unbelievably talented, I can't get over it.  He does his little boy super genius thing while Nastia... does this.  

I can see your Bump It...

Heya Nast.  Whatcha wearing there?  What a cute headba-

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I felt that Nastia's beam performance was best depicted by including the images that come to mind while watching.  

There is really just nothing more to say.  What gymnastics did your current Olympic champion perform, you ask?  A few back handsprings, a front aerial to wobble.  She jumped off the beam to do an onodi on the floor, and then hopped back onto the beam to do more prancing.  So yeah.  

In conclusion, every moment spent watching these shows is a moment of my life I will never get back.  I want to die because my eyeballs and brain hurt so very much.  

Bring on the elite season.  Please.  Dear God please.