Friday, January 31, 2014
That's right. This folder of screencaps has only been sitting on my desktop since December of 2012, so I figure maybe it's time to recap what is admittedly a super boring episode of MIOBI.
We open up with the lovely Emily Kmetko, and by lovely I mean horrible. She's listening to her super hip alternative rock CD in her oldschool boombox (full disclosure: I had the exact same one about ten years ago) which we quickly learn is also her floor music. Emily is too immature and irresponsible to keep track of her own clothing, so she throws a fit about a missing hoodie. Meanwhile, the glorious and divine Bitchface Chloe makes inappropriate sex jokes about Sasha.
Emily thinks that her super awesome new floor music will make Sasha forget about her face-planting stunt. If you'll recall, she was strictly forbidden to do the full in double back dismount off of bars, so what did she do? The full in double back dismount. To her face.
I am shuddering just looking at this picture. Creepy Carter eats his hands while Kaylie wonders how the Cryptkeeper could possibly pork her old coach Marty. On cue, Papa Cruz rolls up, so Creepy Carter forces Kaylie's head down, seemingly to give him road head? The purpose is unclear here.
On floor, Emily does some whoosh whoosh double fulls into some stellar choreography, to go with her awesome-sauce music that has a ton of lyrics.
Super hot body wave.
Sasha stops this brilliant masterpiece, and yanks her super radical music out of the CD player. He's explains to her that there is no way in hell he's letting her perform to that crap, probably because you're not allowed to have lyrics. Just maybe. He replaces it with some classical music, explaining that the judges will never take her seriously without some classical music. How Steve Nunno of him.
Next up is Princess Payson, whose wigs almost falls off on her double arabian. She salutes with one fist grinding into her lower back, and when Sasha asks her what's wrong, she of course is like "NOTHING!" One of those bitches. Sasha is like "I'm not stupid, you're making it very obvious that your back hurts. You need to sit out the rest of the today and maybe tomorrow." But that shit doesn't fly with Payson, because she is just that hardcore and such a hard worker. For now.
She sulks off the mat to grab a drink from the water cooler, which is basically like the bench for inside the gym, as far as scenes go in this show.
It is at said water cooler that Payson chats with Nicky Russo, the only attractive guy to have ever been on the show, in my opinion. He's the male version of Payson, apparently, except not a huge spoiled brat. She's all "Wah wah, I have to miss training before Nationals!" and he's all "Suck it up, manage the pain." Seems the only pain management option at the Rock is cortisone. Not physical therapy, no alternative medicine. Only cortisone shots. But Payson's stupid mom won't let her get any more stupid cortisone shots! What a conundrum! Lucky for all of us, Nicky's dad is a surgeon, and can "get it." Nicky can get it, so far as I'm concerned. Maybe cortisone is code word for REAL DRUGS, for the conservative ABC Family crew. He can "score it" for Payson.
Just to refresh, in case anyone isn't aware. Cortisone comes in a shot. A long needle has to go in between the bones into the area where the inflammation is. I have had roughly 457897484299 cortisone shots in my knee, and the needle isn't pretty. So, to recap, Payson is going to stab herself in the middle of her back with a shot of cortisone.
Nicky caps off the conversation by doing some pommely pommel pommels on the pommel horse (help me out here, Uncle Tim,) and Payson is lusting thusly.
Kaylie and Lauren are not working out, as per the usual, but instead talking about boys. Kaylie is all "Holy moly, my dad almost caught me giving Creepy Carter road head!" and Lauren is like "Cool, don't be so stupid next time." Kaylie goes on to explain that if Papa Cruz ever caught them, they would be dunzo. There is an audible *BING* over Lauren's head as the lightbulb turns on.
In the meantime, Lauren heads up to the office, where she finds Sister Mary Summer and Payson's Mom (her name is Kim?!?! I just realized that right now.) The gals are taking a gander at Sister Mary Summer's wedding book, so Sister asks Lauren her opinion on this beauty.
Maybe it's a Disney themed wedding. Lauren's all "I thought brides wore white? Although given your massively slutty past, I guess this Belle themed dress really makes more sense." Sister Mary, ever a glutton for punishment, is all "Ha ha. Actually, it's for you, and I want you to be my maid of honor. Accept me. ACCEPT ME!!!" Lauren pretends to care, but then she's like "I actually really don't care. DIAF."
She peaces out, but not before informing the ladies that she's going to stay at Kaylie's place, because there's no drama over there. No foreshadowing either.
Kaylie is at home, where there is no drama, chewing out the Cryptkeeper for sleeping with her old coach. I mean, yeah, I agree with her, but at the same time, as a mom, I want to punch her in the throat.
The other girls are at the gym, so I don't know why Kaylie is at home, but whatever. Lauren is training, seemingly for the first time ever, and she's hitting beam, so of course Payson's getting all pissy about it. She asks her drug dealer, aka Nicky, about the street price of cortisone. $100 for a shot of the sweet sweet stuff. She's like "The deal goes down at Kaylie's tonight." So gangster.
Emily is hard at work on her new floor routine, set to some generic classical music. Demon walks his ass right into the gym, which Emily understandably freaks out about. In typical stalker fashion, he wants to know why she called in sick to work. Then he guilt trips her, in the middle of her workout mind you, about the two of them being "just friends." Eat a dick, dude.
Payson heads up to the office to scam some money off of her mom so she can score her drugs from Nicky. She pretends that she needs the money for a new dress, which thrills Payson's Mom because that means Payson is a normal girl, sort of.
Lauren and Kaylie are getting ready for the party, when Lauren throws in this really weird plug for Kohls. I mean, I like Kohls as much as the next person, but was there ever a MIOBI Candies ad campaign? I really feel like that's something I would have known about. Kaylie leaves the room to go help her dad, so Lauren takes out Creepy Carter's cell phone, the one she stole some odd episodes ago, and stares at it. Creepily.
Emily comes home to see her brother and Bitchface Chloe selling stuff on Ebay. They freak out about money, Emily stalks off to get ready for the party, and Bitchface starts mysteriously texting someone.
The other Rock girls are at Kaylie's, when Payson asks Kaylie if she can borrow one of her spendier looking dresses. Sister Mary Summer shows up, and Lauren is surprised, but I don't know why.
Sister Mary furthers her attempt to suck up to Lauren by breaking it off with Daddy Tanner. Or rather, that's her plan. She tells a few more sob stories, which Lauren may or may not be buying.
The Cryptkeeper burns the lasagna that Sister Mary brought (really? The thing isn't catered?) and has a huge meltdown. Bitchface Chloe is there, and she's like "Bitch, let's get drunk."
Creepy Carter steps outside to find both Kaylie and Lauren. That's not awkward at all. Lauren gracefully tries to step back inside, but Kaylie stops her, arguing that she needs to stay out there and watch her and Creepy bang, because otherwise Papa Cruz will know something's up. I'm usually on Kaylie's side, but bitch has this coming to her now. Lauren psychs the pervy couple out by asking Creepy if he remembers when they kissed.... you know, at gymnastics camp, silly. Creepy is not amused. Then Kaylie makes fun of her for having been in love with Creepy since they were kids. So Lauren is all "Yes and you knew I liked him for 100 years, and yet here you are, not boning him." Kaylie's a little bitch and is all "Tee hee, all is fair in love and war." so Lauren is like "YUP. It really is." I'm sure she isn't plotting murder at all.
The gym moms are getting hammered in the kitchen. The Cryptkeeper mentions how adorable Payson looks in Kaylie's dress, and Payson's Mom is a smidge confused. Bitchface Chloe admits to Emily that she had to borrow some money from "Joe," whoever that is. Emily freaks out and berates her mother, yet again, for not being able to shake the magical money tree and make it rain dolla dolla bills.
Lauren's like "TIME FOR SHENANIGANS!!" and slyly sneaks Creepy Carter's cell phone into Papa Cruz's bathroom, right by the necklace he was planning to give to Kaylie to buy her love.
Payson and Nicky are off to the side, discussing their illicit and very scandalous drug deal. Payson's Mom comes over to confront her about the dress, so Payson is like "I lost it.... in Nicky's pants." Sasha interrupts by informing Payson that he has decided to rank her #1 at the Rock for Nationals, because I guess that matters. It matters so much.
Emily is standing alone outside, as one does, when who should tap her on the shoulder but Demon. She instantly flips out and is all "WTFFF WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME?!" Demon's like "Chill, bitch. I'm delivering pizzas."
Bitchface Chloe is still in the kitchen getting sloshed. Sasha offers to bring her home, which is kind of him and all but I'm really thinking he and Bitchface need to bang already.
Payson and Nicky are bonding not only over their shared lust for street drugs, but also their love of training. Neither can really understand why anyone needs to do anything other than train. Why eat, sleep or piss when you can train? I don't know guys, I just don't know.
That really is the ugliest effing dress. Not to forget the real reason for their tryst, Nicky busts out the SUPER BIG BAD DRUGS.
Lauren waits until Papa Cruz goes to get the fancy necklace he bought for Kaylie, then she asks Kaylie if she can borrow her cell phone to call Daddy Tanner. Kaylie's like "Whatever, I got boys to bone here." Lauren skitters off to Kaylie's room and uses her cell to call Creepy Carter's phone, which if you'll recall is hidden right next to the fancy pants necklace that Papa Cruz got to buy his daughter's love.
Ring a ling, bitches.
Papa Cruz sees the phone, has a heart attack and dies. Actually he runs into the living room so he can punch out a teenaged boy. He slut-shames Kaylie, and basically treats her the same as any scorned obsessive controlling boyfriend would. Which isn't creepy at all. Speaking of creepy, Creepy Carter tries to play the hero, but just ends up pissing everyone off.
Remember, I capped these pictures over a year ago. I have no idea why I took this one, but I feel like it belongs here.
Creepy Carter is storming off as Lauren catches up with him. She begs him to take her with him, but I don't know where they're going? He's like "Um, as if. You are insane. Legitimately insane, and you need to be in jail."
Ouchie. Unfortunately for them, Bitchface Chloe and Sasha had to miss all the exciting fun. Back at her place, totally not boning, they have some coffee and chit chat about boring adult stuff. Sasha leaves and some guy, presumably Random Joe, calls her. Dun dun DUNNN.
Emily runs off to the Pizza Shack to apologize to Demon for being such a huge bitch to him. He's like "That's great. I'm getting a record deal and am off to LA. Peace. Out."
Kaylie cries about Creepy Carter, and I could not care less.
Finally, we end up with a tearful Lauren, who has finally succumbed and runs off to cry to Sister Mary Summer.
Boo hoo indeed.
Welp. That's that. I'd like to say until next week, but you know me, that might be tomorrow, next week, next year...
But until whenever that is, maybe your beams be fat and your dresses be fugly!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Another year, another shitty gymnastics and skating "spectacular" to enjoy on a balmy January Sunday, sandwiched in between golf and probably more golf.
Couple of random teeny-bopper pop stars, the eternal Bart Connor and Nadia Comaneci, and of course, Nastia.
Oh, and Subway sandwiches.
So our super awesome, totally not annoying show starts with the inevitable dressing up of the gymnasts like bizarre little Avril Lavigne penguins.
Nastia was there.
The gentlemen were wearing some stunning mustard yellow pants. Whoever the costume designer was for this really needs a raise. I mean, pink fringe bikinis in 2008, and now this? Pure genius.
We'll see the first of much pointing in this show, hereto referred as pointography. It is the central theme. The gymnasts point to the figure skaters, the skaters point back to the gymnasts. Really compelling stuff.
Everyone does the limbo underneath Catalina Ponor's crotch, and all gather to pose and do some more pointing.
Oh yeah. That is some aggressive pointing right there. Without wasting any time, the Nastia Show finally begins.
This highly touted routine, choreographed by the great Travis Wall, begins with Nastia taking a snooze on the floor.
She wakes up, rolls around a little, and begins her morning stretches.
If Travis Wall can't get this bitch to fix her wrists, I should probably just give up on life.
I will say that Nastia hits some lovely shapes in the routine, and really has the hairography down. In terms of actual gymnastics, our princess caps out at some backhandsprings, an onodi, and a cartwheel. You just know even Travis was a little butthurt by this. He's like
Travis: "Yes! An Olympic champion, doing MY choreography! I can't wait to create a masterpiece!
OK Nast. Here I'd like to see you do a twirly jump (ed. note: He probably knows the name for this. I do not.) into a side aerial."
Travis: "Balls. OK, what will you do?"
Nastia: "I will give you a cartwheel."
I'm sure that's exactly how it went down. Speaking of getting down, someone who knows a thing or two about it is Miss Beth Tweddle.
This lovely young lady is singing a song about something or another, when Beth comes strutting out. And by strutting I mean doing some sort of caveman thing.
I wish I could figure out the gif thing, because this was really too majestic for pictures to do justice.
But Beth quickly gets things back on track by really being on her pointing game.
She wraps up her performance with a little grape-vining, and really, who doesn't love grape-vining?
Then she stumbles on the corner of the floor. We've all been there.
Jordyn freshens up our palates a bit by busting out some classic Miss Val choreo on beam. A couple of fancy wrist twirlies, some sassy snapping-
The popular hand slide-
And lest we forget, the POINTING!
I feel as though this routine had a lot of Zamography in it. Jordyn also had the cajones to actually do gymnastics on the beam. A back tuck, and a side aerial? Not too shabby.
Now it's time for a quick break from all that GYMNASTICS. Nastia tries to make us believe that she eats Subway for breakfast and lunch every single day of her life. I would eat my hat if I had solid proof of her eating at Subway once, ever. And actually eating a sandwich from Subway, not bringing sushi to Subway and eating it there.
Next up on beam is the divine Catalina Ponor. Clad in an overcoat and Nastia-heels.
You know Nastia was totally upset that she didn't think of this routine. Brandon Wynn stars as the Mike Canales to Catalina's Dominique, and Cata saucily strips him down.
Nothing screams "Oxytrol for Women" like a man wearing a bow tie with no shirt. Ponor takes a cue from Jordyn and actually does gymnastics, by mounting with an impressive press handstand. I'll take one of those any day, Progressive shitshow or not. She does a few leaps, two front aerials, which hey, is better than no front aerials. She seduces Brandon/Mike Canales by lustfully groping the beam.
Then Cata and Brandon walk off to the hotel together. Again, I'm sure that's exactly how it happened.
Then a tragedy is thrust upon us all.
Apparently, there is an I Love Lucy museum in whatever town this show was filmed in. That's just fine. I happen to be a big I Love Lucy fan. Lucille Ball was THE comedian of the century. She was a very physical comedian, back in a day when all the studios were stuffed with pretty women doing pretty women things. Lucy wasn't afraid to not be pretty, and in that, she was gorgeous.
So imagine my horror when Nastia shows up, dolled up in some cheap Lucy-wannabe garb. SHE'S NOT EVEN WEARING A RED WIG. I cannot even. I'm going to go ahead and assume that Nastia did not bother to watch even a minute of I Love Lucy, and just figured it was a 50's show about a nice 50's couple. Hence the skipping around and blowing kisses to her ice-skating Ricky. AS IF LUCY WOULD BLOW KISSES TO RICKY.
Fake ass Lucy does some pretty poses on beam, and then races off to the floor to do not one, but two cartwheels in a row. This is what your tickets paid for, people.
Well isn't that just spit-on-your-face, kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?
The show mercifully ends with everyone clad in white all pointing at each other. But not before Nastia, Catalina, and Jordyn rip off Cher's move in Clueless, while wearing white nighties.
And there you have it, folks. Fine Craptacular entertainment.