But in the 70s, ho boy, that was a different time. One could race home after school to catch this after school delight.
That's probably the actual title, "70s TV Show with Gymnast."
Anyway, welcome to Le Club Gymnastics! Oui oui!
Running Le Club is Coach Virginia Heart, who sometimes wears her sweatpants tucked into her socks. I do that sometimes if I'm going out into the woods in the summer, but I also have a deadly fear of ticks. I'm assuming Virginia Heart does it to be very fashionable.
Virginia walks through her empty gym, making sure there are no mats beneath any of the equipment, and heads towards her office. Now, if she was Mary Lee Tracy, she'd be compiling motivational quotes or organizing her zebra folders. Not Miss Heart. Coach Heart beelines for her medicine cabinet, unlocks a bunch of locks, and takes out the very best of her pills. Do do do do music plays. Is she good, is she bad?? We don't know!
Over at Le High School, two random 70s dudes are wearing hilarious outfits and making chit chat about the hottest chicks at school. These guys look about ten years older than I do, but whatever, I'm sure they're just 17 year old boys wearing ridiculously tight pants.
"At this school, a real nerd could get a date."
They just don't write dialogue like that anymore. Bob Saget and Cameltoe warble on about getting hot dates, with Cameltoe letting us know he's already asked out Sally Peters. Bob Saget is all
"Sally Peters is untouchable. She knows other girls on the gymnasts team."
No, I did not misspell that quote. Sally knows other girls on the gymnasts team. What?
On the off chance you were unaware, gymnasts at Le High School are the effing PLASTICS of the joint. I mean, crowds part for them and clap as they walk by. Sally's stubby blonde friend explains it to us.
"It's because we're special and they're not. Miss Heart said that the ordinary people can't help but resent the elite. Miss Heart said that winning isn't the point at all. It's dedication. Dedication and making a commitment to something worthwhile. We're committed and they're not. And that's why we're special."
We're treated to our first scene with the magnetic Dr. Quincy. He appears to be a doctor, detective, and coroner, among other professions. Dr. Quincy is happened upon by a slight man who scopes out his bottom.
Mr. Piedro of Beverly Hills informs Dr. Q that he is the recipient of a brand new tailored suit as the prize of a raffle. I assume this entire bit is supposed to be a comedic break, but it's not so much funny as it is super bizarre. Whatever. Back to gymnastics!
Sally and her stubby friend Brenda are getting ready for practice. They pull on their leos, tie up their hair, and scope out their stash of pills from the top of a shelf. Normal everyday stuff.
Nothing like a little speed before practice, I always say. The girls stroll out onto the floor at their own pace, much like the Rock girls used to do. Sigh. I miss that show. Miss Heart sort of chastises them for being late, but not really, because they're obviously the stars of this "elite" team, and thus get special treatment. Miss Heart, while her pants alternate between being tucked into her socks and being left out, asks to see Brenda in her office.
Miss Heart wants to examine and discuss Brenda's busted foot.
"Your heel's improving... physically, that is."
Yes, but how is your heel doing MENTALLY, is the obvious question. Miss Heart points out that it's still hurting Brenda, which I assume Brenda is aware of, but what do I know? Miss H explains that she's still hesitating because of the pain. Brenda jumps at the chance to ask to take something for said pain. Miss Heart pretends that she doesn't generally approve of medication, AS SHE SITS IN FRONT OF HER LOCKED STOCKED MEDICINE CABINET. But of course she'll give Brenda pills! Pills for everyone!
A freshly doped up Brenda sprints out of the office and loudly cheers "GO SALLY GO!!!!" as Sally rips through her UB routine, sans mats, of course.
These two basic bitches are haphazardly stretching by the beams, while everyone else does real stuff. Where have I seen this before? They stand around and do nothing while wishing injury on Sally because Sally can actually do gymnastics.
We go back to Dr. Quincy for another one of these painful scenes. Dr. Q's boss comes in, and laughs hysterically because apparently it's hilarious that Q would win a suit in a raffle. He laughs and laughs and laughs, and I guess we're supposed to laugh? Maybe I just don't get it. Back to gymnastics!
Miss Heart gathers her girls, and gives them a rousing speech about having a small mock meet before the State Finals. These girls are very, very excited. They seem easily excitable in general.
There's a quick scene with Dr. Quinn and his obnoxious creepy clown laughter boss, but before we know it, we're back at Le Club for Le Mock Meet. Sally is up and racing, while slapping Brenda's ass.
She just feels SO GOOD and wishes this was the real meet SO BAD. Brenda just doesn't have the enthusiasm that Sally does, so Sally goes to grab her trusty pills from the shelf. She hands one to Brenda, but pulls out two for herself. Brenda's a little worried about her friend taking two, but Sally explains it thusly
"I know, but I'm really gonna show'em a little something today.... I got this new move I'm going to try today. It's really going to blow Miss Heart's mind!"
If there's anything I know, it's that getting stoned right before a meet and then trying a skill for the first time is absolutely a good idea. I don't know what dumb old Brenda is worried about.
Brenda and Sally are chalking up before the meet, which I'll have to assume is protocol at Le Club. They chalk up, and then go sit on the bleachers to wait their turn to compete. It should also be noted that Brenda is wearing pants with stirrups under her leotard. So there's that.
Up first is some random girl who is wearing a pink leotard with some very sheer black pants. Sally is near shitting her pants in the stands, so anxious for her turn to compete.
Sally's making crazy eyes, so Miss Heart sighs with love, and calls her up to the UB. Sally races up to the bars, and begins as we hear more do do do do music. The Basic Bitches are consoling themselves because Sally is just so awesome. Sally is rocking her routine, until THIS happens:
She lands with a loud BONG, not unlike the sound of some pots and pans clanking together. Sounds appropriate. As the pictures show, this is clearly a life-threatening injury.
What could it be? Was she knocked out? Did she break her neck? Oh no, she effing DIED. Falling onto your shoulder while dangling from the high bar can totally kill you.
Dr. Quincy has the task of handling Mr. and Mrs. Sally while they identify the body. They are appropriately horrified, and are honestly a real damper on the hilarity of this show. I'm expecting Piedro to come busting in for comedic relief.
Mr. and Mrs. Sally bicker with the doctors about the mandatory autopsy. Mrs. Sally goes into a monologue about her daughter, which I'm sure is the piece she auditioned with. It's all very dramatic, in a 1970s after school special PSA about drugs sort of way. Eventually, they agree to the autopsy, as if they had a say in it anyway.
Dr. Quinn notices that Sally did not, in fact, die of a broken neck, as everyone had assumed until now. You know, a broken neck from falling on her shoulder while dangling from the high bar. Well then how did this perfectly muscled 17 year old specimen die? Dr. Q's going to find out.
Miss Heart has already found out, it seems, and races to her little lock box of death, and empties it of all the pills.
It's the next day, and the Elémentaire Bitches are stoked at the new possibility of one of them becoming the State Champion. They head for the old pill stash under the shelf, which is a full team stash, we're learning, only to discover that it is gone. GONE. The Basics race over to Miss Heart to alert her of the robbery. To which Miss Heart replies,
Scary do do doooo music.
Brenda's all salty when she overhears the Basics trash talking Sally, so she goes home and cries to her mother. Her mom's all "Well, your best friend died yesterday, and you went back to the building where she just died doing gymnastics so you could go do more gymnastics. I'm so shocked you are upset."
Dr. Q is working in one of his many offices, when he is happened upon by an extra from a porn movie. The results of the toxicology test are in: Sally was doped to the nines. Dr. Q races to the old school phone to inform Mr. and Mrs. Sally.
They come in for a meeting, and are immediately butthurt because their perfect angel daughter was a "speedfreak."
The entire scene is basically Mr. and Mrs. Sally volleying back with Dr. Q about how none of this could possibly be Sally's fault. Her parents blame it on everyone else, maybe even the girls at the gym, and Dr. Q blames it on whoever got her into the pills. Sally is not at fault at all, obviously.
So Dr. Q's on his way to Le Club. He speaks with Miss Heart about Sally's druggie ways, and asks to grill the girls about it. Miss Heart is totally cool with it.
Once he mentions the drugs, they all shuffle around guiltily. He asks them to do his job and find out who her dealer is. Again, totally normal stuff.
But that's not his only plan. After heading back to one of his offices, he asks some random man who owes him a favor to stalk the teenage girls at high school. All normal behavior, guys. Nothing to worry about here.
Miss Heart has a pow-wow with the girls in her office. She reminds them that Dr. Q is not the police, and even if he was, it wouldn't matter because WHAT PILLS? Brenda's about to lose her shiz though, because suddenly she is not really buying into the Miss Heart Cult business. She's clearly the weak link, and the Basics have had quite enough of all that.
The Basics meet outside of the gym to discuss that nosy bitch Brenda. She's obviously too weak, and is *this* close to ratting out the entire team. Luckily for the team, Basic Bitch #Un knows how to handle this.
There is nothing more clever than chilling in the parking lot before you meet your dealer to buy drugs. BB Un explains to her lacky that once they find Brenda stoned out of her face with a "locker full of speed," no one will believe a word she says anyway. But no time for small talk, their sexy dealer has arrived! The Basics stroll over to their dealer, but wait! Who is that in the background creepily watching them???
GASP! I know I judge a lot of things unfairly, but I am seriously judging this clown's ability to exchange merchandise in public. Get real.
All the same, the deal serves its purpose, and girls roll back to the gym with two MASSIVE bag of pills. They want to make sure Brenda is really messed up, so they dump an entire bag worth of amphetamines into a jug of orange juice. Just normal psychotic business that seems par the course for gymnastics shows. Brenda rolls up to the locker room, and the other girls are so super nice to her as they hand her the mandatory paper cup of orange juice, per Miss Heart's new rules. A girl dies on bars, it's time to get a little more vitamin C in your diet, you know?
Dr. Quincy is on the job, and his spy updates him on his stalking mission, confirming that two teenage gymnasts bought a shitton of speed in the parking lot. Dr. Q hangs up the phone, and not 2 seconds later the phone rings again. This time, it's Basic Bitch Un, calling the Dr. to rat on Brenda for stashing drugs in her locker. Dr. Q races off to the gym to get to the bottom of all this.
Part of the plan was not only to get Brenda stoned, but to stand around and cheer her on, I guess. She falls on her ass out of a rebound, and the other girls are just thrilled.
But she isn't dead yet, so the other girls aren't quite satisfied.
Brenda wobbles her way onto the beam, so SURELY she'll die now. Nope. She does a side handstand, and plops off onto the springboard.
Now that's a good fall. But she's still not done. She attacks the beam like a rabid dog, while the homely Basic is screaming at her to do a "tucked back! Do a tucked back!" Brenda opts for a scale instead, which is enough to throw her wildly off balance, where she finally falls and lands in a clump on the floor.
Dr. Quincy just happened to show up as this was happening, and he is naturally horrified by what he's seeing. Even though the girls were screaming the entire time, Miss Heart is totally unaware of what's happening. Dr. Q chew out the main Basic Bitch, spelling out her entire plan. Basic Bitch is in tears, sobbing that she did it all for Miss Heart. They are so effing obsessed with her, it's really bizarre. Miss Heart's like, "No, bitch. I did it for YOU." So basically no one is at fault here, because they were all homicidal with the best of intentions. Miss Heart finally fesses up to Dr. Quincy, but claims that she never knew it would hurt anyone. Sure.
Crabby old Dr. Q is dressed up as Gilligan, meeting up with the gang at the local pub. They ask him for updates on Brenda, which gives him the opportunity to wrap up all of the loose ends. Brenda will be just fine, of course. ODs never kill people. Except for Sally. The girls are all super nice to her now, probably because of her awesome scale. Miss Heart is out on bail, but mark my words, she'll never teach again! All those girls will have to find a new Charles Manson to worship. But the most important question that I know you're all asking is what happened to Piedro and the new suit?? Well, Piedro's piece was so horrifying on Dr. Quincy that the tailor paid him never to wear it ever. *cymbals crash*
Cue hysterical laughter. And that, my friends, is the end of that.
Did you all love it? Were you horrified? Did you love it because of the horror? Did you learn so many things about the perils of doing drugs before beam? Or maybe you just learned to mask the taste of speed by masking it with orange juice.
OH. I guess this isn't a movie at all??? It's an episode of some show called Quincy, M.E. HILARIOUS.