A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Make It or Break It 1.6

Four elite girls standing around doing nothing at the gym.  Sounds like another week at the Rock!

If you'll recall from last week, we enjoyed a mother-daughter fashion show instead of, you know, training, FIVE WEEKS BEFORE NATIONALS!  Nothing of importance happened at all, except the Cryptkeeper finding out about Kaylie and Carter, which I don't think she gives two shits about.  Emily had more forgettable moments with Demon, and Lauren terorrized Sister Mary Summer.  That's pretty much all you need to know.

We open the show with Lauren learning a BHS-LOSO, which bumps her DOD, or degree of difficulty, to 6.8.  I know, right?  If only more girls did BHS-LOSOs!  Then we'd have teams full of huge D-score beamers.

The other girls are like, "Oh shit.  That massive new tumbling pass totally makes her beam routine as hard as Payson's!  Payson, aren't you just so super upset about that?!"  and Payson's just like "Nationals is three weeks away.  I give no fucks," but you can tell that deep down, she does give a few fucks. 

Sasha is legit in the middle of coaching another girl, but Emily finds it necessary to scream for his attention while climbing on top of the low bar.

She chucks a dumpy full-in, and Sasha calls her out for chucking a dumpy full-in.  Proving that this is not real life, he orders her to stick with the easier double tuck, and forgo a higher start value.  But Emily is all "But Bruno Grandi demands that I do the hardest routine possible, execution be damned!  Now I'll never make the top ten!" and Sasha is all "Um, yeah, about that.  No chance in hell you're making the top ten anyway."   Emily interrupts to talk about Marty, when behold, who should walk in the doors but Marty.

The two coaches meet up in the office, and give each other some gentle ribbing.  The boys decide that the Rock will host Marty's gym, Denver Elite, for a friendly invitational. 

Sasha tries to rally the troops by pretending that there is a team competition at Nationals.  Everyone is more or less on board, until Marty casually informs Sasha that, oh, yeah, Kelly Parker competes for Denver now.  Oh, don't know who Kelly Parker, or heretofore known as ABKP (Adult Baby Kelly Parker) is?  You will.  She is the reigning world and national champion, and has a buttload of endorsements.  So FEAR HER.  

The girls stand around and gossip while other gymnasts do real stuff.  Emily bitches that Sasha doesn't love her enough, and Lauren is like "Well, that's because you suck."   Kaylie reminds Lauren that Emily didn't seem to suck that one time she beat Lauren, even though Lauren tried to kill her on vault.  So Lauren brings up Creepy Carter, which prompts Kaylie to immediately start talking about sex, because really, what else is there?  Lauren's all "Oh, he's pretending that he doesn't care about boning you.  That's probably because he's getting it from somewhere else.  Duh." and Kaylie's like "My, how cunty of you."  Kaylie reassures Lauren that if Creepy ever did cheat on her, it would be the end of them. BING!  This gives Lauren an idea...

Marty is lurking out in the parking lot, waiting for the Cryptkeeper.  If you'll recall from the pilot episode, they had previously been boning.

He asks the Cryptkeeper if she'd like to "hang out," and she politely declines.  He plots to kill her as he opens her car door.

Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer are just chilling down by the beams, as one does, when Lauren excitedly races over to them to tell them about her new super hard beam routine.  This is our first glimpse of Sister Mary Bitchface, and I kind of love her.  Lauren is gushing about her routine, so Sister Mary Bitchface rolls her eyes and walks away.  And I love it.

Creepy Carter is eternally chalking up at the chalk bowl, so Kaylie takes a break from doing nothing to come flirt with him. 

They clasp nasty chalky hands in the chalkbowl, which Sasha witnesses, and he is none to happy about that.

Lauren is having a little pow-wow with Daddy Tanner, discussing their Olympic ambitions.  Yes, THEIR.  While Daddy totally wants it, Lauren isn't happy with his level of commitment to her.  It's kind of creepy.  We have so many cheating storylines this episode, and this feels like another one.  As if her father is cheating on her with his new girlfriend.  I saw a Lifetime movie like this once.  I think the daughter ended up killing the dad.  Daddy Tanner assures Lauren that he would never marry Sister Mary Summer, which makes Lauren happy so they fist bump.

Meanwhile, over on vault, Courtney Kupets reassures us that it doesn't matter that Denver has Kelly Parker, because the Rock has PAYSON KEELER.

This is the first of many, many impossible appearances by Ms. Kupets this week.  Unfortunately, this is the only time she plays herself.

The juxtaposition between Kupets and Payson is intense.  One is America's supergymnast, and the other is... Payson.  Also, THAT is how you do messy hair.  Not Payson's fake half-pony nonsense.

Payson trots slowly toward vault, and does a laid out yurchenko, which totally fucks her back up.

There is a scene between Emily and Demon at the Pizza Shack, but it's so boring that I don't pay attention.

More importantly, Payson's Mom catches Payson laying on the couch with an ice pack, and treats the ice pack like it's drugs.

Payson informs her mom that injuries are a part of the sport, because Payson's Mom probably wasn't aware of that. 

We find ourselves back at the Rock, with Sasha coaching Emily on bars.  He reminds her to do her double back dismount, which she does, but not without her bitching that it's too easy.  Later on, he calls Payson into his office, wanting to discuss her little back injury.  She begs off, saying it's no big deal at all, but it would be great if she could just have a cortisone shot.  She lies to Sasha, telling him that it's been six whole months since she had one.  Of course, Payson's Mom happens to walk in just then, and points out that it's only been two months since her last shot.  She goes into some whiny teenage bullshit about how other parents let their kids do whatever, and pretty much guilt trips her mother for being a good mother.

That sounds like some Emily Kmetko shit right there.  As she walks outside, Lauren is confronted by Sister Mary Bitchface about her new DOD. 

It's totally bitchy, and it's totally delicious.  She then rails on Lauren for being a mad little brat who lost her mother and is butthurt that her dad found someone else.  Lauren's all, "Tough shit for you, my dad's never going to marry you.  He told me last night."  And that seems to shut Sister Mary Bitchface right up. 

Speaking of awkward confrontations, Sasha calls Creepy Carter over to his parking lot camper for a little sitdown.  He tells Creepy to back off of his girls, and if he doesn't, Sasha will see to it that his career is ruined.  Sounds good to me.

Over at the Casa de Cruz, Kaylie's crazy ass dad is weighing her in the middle of the living room on one of those archaic doctor's scales.

Her dad berates her for gaining two pounds.  Could it really be a show about gymnastics without the obligatory weigh ins?  I wonder which girl ends up with the eating disorder...  Luckily, the Cryptkeeper walks in, and is like "What is this fuckery?" and Kaylie's dad warbles on about hopes and dreams.  The Cryptkeeper reminds him that Kaylie is a teenage girl, and maybe wants to live like one sometime.  But Papa Cruz doesn't like that noise, so he's all "No, our daughter isn't a worthless loser like you." 

Daddy Tanner has taken Sister Mary Bitchface out for a fancy dinner.  They seem to dine out often, and never with Lauren.  No wonder she's insane.  Sister Mary Bitchface calls Daddy out for telling Lauren that he would never ever marry her.  Also, for letting a sixteen year old call the shots in his life.  Preach on, Sister Mary!  Sister Mary makes an attempt to march out of dinner, but Daddy stops her, and proposes.  Because that solves everything.

Oh everyone is so thrilled.  Back at Casa de Cruz, the Cryptkeeper is distraught by Papa Cruz's comments, so she calls up her "friend" Marty, and loudly proclaims that she wants to bone him.  And she keeps saying the word "soppy."  What is "soppy?" Anyway, of course Kaylie is standing around the corner eavesdropping.

Kaylie confronts her mother, and freaks out about telling her dad.  The Cryptkeeper reminds Kaylie that there are a lot of things her dad doesn't know about, like her dating Creepy Carter.  Kaylie gets pissed and hip-checks her mother. 

So naturally, Kaylie runs off and jumps into Creepy Carter's creepy jeep.  She cries and admits that Creepy is the only person in her life that she can trust.  Instead of fessing up to having boned her best friend, Creepy busts out an old necklace that belonged to his mother.  He gives it to her, and suddenly, she's not upset anymore.  Lesson: if a woman is upset, give her jewelry.

It's finally time for the invitational.  There is an announcer, which is weird.  Payson lets Sasha know that she is good to go.  Instead of being cleared by a trainer, Sasha pokes her back, and is satisfied with the result.  He lets her compete. 

Sister Mary Bitchface rolls up and psychs Lauren out right before she competes by telling her that Daddy proposed last night.  God I wish Sister Mary would stay like this forever.  But alas, I know that she does not.  Le sigh. 

The girls do some totally normal warming up before the meet.  I know I always choose to stretch as close to the bar rigs as possible.  Marty walks in with his team, including Adult Baby Kelly Parker, and Emily is immediately overcome with his amazing and beautiful their foe is.  Adult Baby immediately seeks out Payson for a little pre-meet shit-talking.  A lion usually does seek the weakest of the pack first.  Lauren won't stand for that, and bravely comes to her friend's defense from the stunningly beautiful ABKP.

Now that we got all of the trash talking out of the way, let's make with the competition!  First up on beam is Lauren, who does nothing, as far as we can see.  First up on vault is ABKP/Courtney Kupets.

Make It or Break It editing: I have missed you.  We start with the normal yurchenko entry, we see some back flips, then some front flips, and then she lands facing the vault table.  So, it's clear to me that she did the new KuParker vault. 

Next we have Emily Kmetko doing a lovely split mount (this is what the necessary announcer was telling us)  Her routine consists of one illusion turn, and then a surprisingly non-whoosh whoosh double full dismount. 

Next up is Payson, who is obviously Queen of the Beam.  Such artistry.  She shows us a BHS-BHS-LOSO, and dismounts with a very whoosh-whoosh double full. 

At least we're still of a time where one team does one event at a time.  The Rock marches to floor, and Kaylie's up first.

She's got some hot moves alright.  She ends in her little cutesy pose, and everyone cheers.  We're also treated to a Jordan Schwikert uneven bar routine, compliments of Denver Elite.  Creepy is thrilled.

But believe it or not, Jordan's not their ringer on bars.  Oh no, that would be one Adult Baby Kelly Parker aka Courtney Kupets.

The best part about this is that the powers that be don't even serve us a bunch of butchery and expect us to believe it's gymnastics.  Hell no.  This is Ms. Kupets we're talking about.  We see a good chunk of her NCAA routine, and it's performed to the fucking HILT.  Hop full into monster tkatchev?  Why not??  This is an invitational with the Rock!  She should be the star of every show.  And then she caps it off with the most delightful, sky high double layout ever.  What show am I even watching??

Oh.  Right.  Back to reality, we get a couple of slow motion shots of Payson's stellar leaps.  Yawn.  I thought she was a POWER GYMNAST?? Then we see her do a roundoff- layout 1/2?- front full like a million times.  Oh but she steps out of bounds, and the entire gymnasium groans.  Cue Debby Downer noise. 

The only one bothering to vault for the Rock is of course Miss Payson.  The dramatic music starts up.  Oh, but will her back hold up?  I simply do not know.  Except that I do, and it does.  Well, sort of.  She does her yurchenko full, and takes a few steps on the landing.  She expresses her pain by scrunching her face up and balling her hands into fists.  Because remember, Payson's a tough girl. Don't you ever, ever forget that. 

Paysons' Mom finds it appropriate to race onto the competition floor to check on Payson herself.  Payson guilts her for a bit until she gives in, and allows Payson to get her precious cortisone shot.  For a gym that has zero trainers, I wonder who on Earth will give her that shot.  She'll probably administer it herself. 

But she's back in time for the final event.  First up on floor for Denver Elite is ABKP/Courtney Kupets.  They just flat out show Courtney doing her 2009 NCAA routine.

Fffft.  AS IF ABKP could pull off Kupets' hand wavy choreography.  But that doesn't stop her from trying.  Courtney Kupets races over after her floor routine, puts on a blonde wig, and hops onto the bars to do Payson's routine.  Which is also, funny enough, Courtney's NCAA routine.  Best stunt double ever?  I'd say perhaps so.    And with that, Courtney Kupets' Payson routines beat out Courtney Kupets' ABKP routines for the AA title.  Hot dog.  Meanwhile, there's that pesky team title that Payson pretended to care about before. 

Lauren is up on bars, and after taking a lasting look at Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Bitchface, she decides there's only one way to remedy this: blow her routine.  She gives up on a transition, and while the announcer considers it "a fairly routine move," I consider that announcer stupid, because I haven't seen that particular move since 1992.  And I miss it so. 

For whatever reason, Emily is inexplicably anchoring the UB lineup.  Sasha reminds her not to chuck a bunch of shit, just do the routine that won't kill her.  ABKP taunts her a bit, and we're to believe that this is what influences Emily to not listen to Sasha, but really, does she ever listen to him?  To anyone?  Is this not The Emily Show all of the time? 

She doesn't even bother with a routine.  She just does about six or seven giants, and then really gears up for her dismount.  But which will she do??  The chucked full in, or the boring old Sasha-prescribed double back?

I think this face says it all.

 And then there's this.

Instead of getting up, she just lingers on all fours for awhile.

How could you not be so pissed at that face?  She ever so slowly gets up, and just sort of walks around as Denver Elite's narrow win is announced.  Sasha murders her a million times with his eyes. 

After everyone clears out, Emily finds Sasha in the office.  She apologized for being a heady bitch, and swears that she's totally not going to chuck shit at Nationals.  Sasha's like "Uh, no, you won't.  Because you're not GOING to Nationals.  Peace." 

Emily storms out of the office, and in a rage, Sasha tosses a sole piece of paper against the wall.  That THAT, piece of paper!

I want to say that was the end of the episode, but there's one final scene between Emily and Demon that I couldn't care less about.  So for all intents and purposes, let's just say the episode is over.

If only all shows could have this much Courtney Kupets in them.  Le sigh.  Well, until next week friends, maybe your faces be bitchy and your dismounts remain chuck-free!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Make It or Break It: 1.5

Have you missed us?

London is history, my mind is blurry from those horrible FIG elections, and NCAA is like a hundred months away.  What is one to do? 

Recap a show from almost four year ago, obviously.

Let us waste no time.  If you're keeping track, and I sure as hell wasn't, this would be the fifth episode of the first season.  To recap, Lauren and Kaylie just became super BFFs again, because Kaylie fessed up to being in LOOOVE with Creepy Carter, who of course Lauren had recently boned.  Emily Kmetko is busy with Demon and the Pizza Shack, and if you'll recall Bitchface Chloe was super awesome and covered her shift for her, so Emily repaid her by being a huge bitch. 

Moving along.

We open with our typical establishing montage of every gymnast except for the main Rock Girls doing gymnastics.  Emily is late, as usual, and storms in with the fabulous Bitchface Chloe in tow.  OMG, I forgot how much I loved her. 

BFC is all pumped for the newly established Rock Moms meeting.  Seems kind of sexist to me.  Again, we notice that the rest of the gym has been working out for some time, but the Rock Girls are slowly stretching, getting ready for a long day of standing by beam and then walking to the water cooler. 

Lauren dives for Kaylie while Kaylie is on about how Lauren HAD SEX.  For shame.  Kaylie is trying to pity Lauren because it was a one night stand and the nasty chump never even called her, but Lauren insists that it was the way SHE wanted it.  It wasn't about making love to some pimply teen, it was about liberating herself.  She proves her point by running over to the beam and nailing a seemingly new punch front mount. 

Lesson learned: getting laid means you will get a brand new mount on beam. 

Inside of the Rock office, the moms, and ONLY THE MOMS (no boys allowed!) are meeting about fundraising for Nationals.  Kaylie's mom, the Cryptkeeper, suggests a fashion show, fashion show, fashion show at lunch, and everyone jumps on board.  Everyone except for Payson's Mom, who is just too down to Earth and normal to enjoy such things. 

Likewise, boring old Payson is working on floor with Coach Sasha.  He actually used to coach these girls, who knew. 

He blathers on about how despite doing a perfect routine, it meant shit because she wasn't smiling.  Perfection means smiling, and there are no other applicable ways to emote anything in gymnastics other than smiling.  Expression is only attainable being being either cute, or sexy, or some combination of both.  Payson reminds Sasha that, hello, her things are strength and power moves.  She can't be a, gasp, beautiful gymnast.  It's impossible!

Meanwhile, this is happening.

The moms emerge from their mom-cave, and announce that the gym will be having a fashion show in order to raise the tens of thousands of dollars needed for Nationals.  Everyone's like "Fuck yeah!  Slutty dresses!" and Payson's like "But, ermahgerd, I have to train for Nationals!

The girls take a break from sitting around to stand around a little. 

Payson's still moaning about how gross dresses and boys are, while Kaylie is making googily eyes at that nasty Creepy Carter.  Lauren's upset because she won't be able to walk the runway with her mother, since her mother is rescuing drug addicted orphans in Darfur.  Emily's all "Ugh, that's better than MY mom, who is always in my way and trying to help me and be involved in my life."  The girls convince Lauren to ask Sister Mary Summer to be her fake mom for the fashion show, which of course Sister Mary is thrilled to do.  Now, you'll have to remember that this was when Lauren hated Sister Mary Summer, well before she started stalking her and begging her to because Lauren's new mother. 

Sasha is busy actually conditioning with another nameless girl, something we will never see again on this show, and Payson interrupts him and the real gymnast so that she can whine more about the fashion show. 

The work day is done, and without having done anything really, the Rock Girls leave.  Creepy Carter gets into his jeep only to find Lauren already there, in waiting.

Lauren just wants to talk to him, you know, since they boned the other night and all.  Creepy tries to beg out of it, saying it was a mistake and that he loves Kaylie.  Lauren's like whatever, and let's Creepy know that if he needs a fuckbuddy, that he knows where to find her. 

It's the next day, and we're back at the gym.  At first I thought Sasha was coaching yet ANOTHER girl, but turns out it was supposed to be Kaylie.  My bad. 

I don't know why there's some girl halfway undressed waiting for her turn on beam.  Kaylie finishes her passes, walks to the end of the beam, jumps off, and makes a big deal about sticking and saluting that stick.  Sasha's all "Well, that was a very cute performance, but you're 16.  Try being sexy like Lauren's handspring front vault." 

Payson's Mom is busy licking things inside of the Rock office.  Sasha asks her what she's so worked up about, and she explains how Payson is just so worried about this dumb fashion show.  I mean, she performs all the time, so why is she so worried now?

"(She performs) as an athlete.  Not a girl."  

You can't make this up, people.  

Then Sasha goes on to give Payson's Mom a lecture about femininity in the modern woman, and how if a child isn't a girlie girl, it's probably her mother's fault. 

Meanwhile, Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer are at some bastard version of the Spruce Moose.  Daddy eats actual food while Sister Mary plays with her coffee mug.  If she's especially nice, he feeds her a bite of his food.  How kind of him. 

Emily is busy at the Pizza Shack with Demon.  They BS about nonsense, and he finds an excuse to kiss her.  And I just don't care.  She stomps home and bitches to her mom about this and that. 

At Casa de Cruz, Kaylie is trying to have a sex talk with her mom, but the Cryptkeeper is too busy scoping mags to find hot outfits for them to pimp out at the fashion show. 

Lauren stops over and vents to Kaylie about how awful Sister Mary Summer is.  Kaylie's like "That's great.  But you know what will make you feel better?  Talking about my sex life.  I think I'm going to bone Creepy Carter after the fashion show."  

The following day, the fashion show participants are gathering at the Casa de Cruz to select their outfits for the show.   It's basically a montage of the various Rock Girls being shitheads to their mothers.

Lauren's mad because non of the outfits are slutty enough, and Payson's mad because THERE ARE ONLY FIVE WEEKS UNTIL NATIONALS!  Emily's pissed that her mother exists at all, even though she's beautiful and perfect and awesome.  Bitchface Chloe picks Emily out a sassy little purple number, and Lauren gets all pissed that the cute outfits are gone.  She bitches to Sister Mary about turtlenecks, and then stomps off.  Sister Mary chases her, and they have a deep conversation about how slutty Sister Mary Summer used to be in high school. 

One Dirty Summer.

And of course, no Make It or Break It scene is complete without a single, lonely tear dripping down a cheek. 

Payson and her mom have their own mother-daughter moment that ends up with them fake walking down the fashion show runway.  

And now Payson embraces her femininity.  OK.  

It's finally time for the real fashion show. 

Kaylie is all sassy with the Cryptkeeper, and Payson and Payson's Mom embrace their girly sides and have fun.  Emily wears two polo shirts with the collars popped, and I remember this is 2009.  Lauren decides that her original outfit wasn't slutty enough, and steals Emily's purple number.  Sister Mary Summer tells her that it's a sin to steal, but Lauren gives no fucks.  She marches out there and puts on a show, mostly for Creepy Carter.  This leaves Emily with no outfit to wear for her second number. She packs up her shit, ready to bail, but not without first berating her mother for a little bit.  This is, after all, her fault in some way.  

There it is.  How I have missed that bitchface!  Despite her daughter being a little snot, she improvises an outfit for Emily to wear.

Sasha is thrilled!

Hooray!  Sixteen year old finally understanding how sexy they can be!

Oh, so I guess this whole thing was an auction, and wouldn't you know it, Emily's totally appropriate jacket-dress procures the most money for the auction.  That money could have come from any number of dirty old men, but turns out, it was just Demon, who magically has enough money to throw billions down for a used jacket.  Lauren's upset because her slutty purple dress didn't generate the most money.  So when Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary confront her about stealing the dress, she is none too thrilled.  Sister Mary asks Lauren what her mother would say about such rule-breaking, and Lauren's all "Um, how about nothing?  My mother's a drunk and an addict who gives zero shits about me.  Bu-bye."  

 Upon hearing this shocking revelation, Sister Mary becomes very upset.  Is it because she's worried about poor neglected Lauren?  Is she worried about the pressure Daddy Tanner is under to keep his daughter stable despite having an absent mother?  No.  It's clear that the #1 offense here has been that no one told Sister Mary Summer about such a deep, dark secret.  

Lauren's still pissy, so she decides to muck up someone else's life real quick.  She runs over to the Cryptkeeper, and tells her that Kaylie is having Creepy Carter sneak into her room tonight so that they can bone.  

Oh noes!

As Lauren promised, Kaylie is at home, primping for what is sure to be a magical night of hymen busting.  Creepy Carter falls in through the window, seemingly unaware of what a teenager with all the candles lit and romantic music playing could possible have in mind.  He freaks out, but then is saved by a knock at the door.  Kaylie shoves him into a closet, which is covered by some awesome posters.  

Kaylie answers the door, and her mother comes in and gives sex talk that Kaylie had always dreamed of.  Aww.  Finally satisfied with her mother's answer, she no longer needs Creepy to bone her, at least not immediately.  He tucks her into bed, and then escapes out the window.  And I'm not supposed to find that creepy at all? 

I have learned so many valuable lessons this week.  Gymnasts must be sexy, because if you're sexy, you'll become more confident on beam and vault.  If you don't adequately express your femininity, it's probably because of your deep self-esteem problems, which you can blame your mother for.  But a little hair and makeup will fix ALL of that!  That way, you can learn to perform as a girl, and not an athlete.  Two mutually exclusive things.  

It's been real, kiddies.  Until next week, may your toes be pointed and your punch fronts be sexy!