you wanna party? it's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.

The Olympic year.  So many arguments to have.  Who will win team gold?  What about the AA?  Is Romania screwed now that they've seemed to forgo bars entirely?  How many legs will be broken this year on our way to trials?

As we all know, I prefer to focus on the more superficial aspects of the sport.  Like hair and outfits.  And in my opinion, it is never too early to start trashing discussing leotards. 

Let's start with a controversial topic: #hotpinknation.  I have a very long list of shit I think is stupid.  This is near the top.

Nastia, I will give you credit.  This worked.  FOR YOU.  Back in 2008.  OMG, she won the AA in stunning fashion while wearing her signature color!  It really was a great moment, and probably made you a shitton of money.  But now it is time to let it die.  It was uncomfortable to watch every USAG girl in the following years be washed out while wearing the apparently now patriotic pink.

"Look at me!  I'm the new Nastia!"

Oh my god.  Let it die.  I think I can speak for the entire planet when I say 

STOP TRYING TO MAKE #HOTPINKNATION HAPPEN.  IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

What with Nastia on the selection committee, and for all we know in the UB lineup, expect to see more horrid #hotpinkgarbage with a huge picture of Nastia's face on it.  

Now, one might argue that Nastia isn't in charge of what leotards USAG wears.  I'd say you're wrong, but that's a different argument for a different day.  Let's say Martha was in charge?

Bitch and complain about Martha and #hotpinknation as I will, nothing compares to the atrocities that countries like Italy has rained upon us.  What kind of pornographic nightmare will they lay on us this year?

So completely appropriate.  That said, there are ways to wear a completely fugly leotard without displaying all of your lady bits.  Or prepubescent teenage girl bits, whatever.  One word: sparkles.

Nothing says "I hate fashion" like a forest of bedazzled sparkles. No country is immune from this shit.  It's never a question of "Do you want sparkles on your leotard?"  It's always "Where can I put MILLIONS of sparkles on this thing?!" 

Some countries take all of the guesswork out of leotards, and just wear whatever other countries wore a few years earlier.  For example, Russia seems to just LOVE old American leotards.  We're lucky, for the most part, in that they take old American designs and make them a little less garish, a little more tasteful.  But I still wonder if there's a GK outlet somewhere near Round Lake. 

"Oh Spanny.  You hate ALL the leotards.  Will there ever be one that you approve of??" 

Yes.  Yes there is one I would approve of.

Now THAT'S a leotard!  It would look stunning on everyone, really.  We need to make this happen.


I do enjoy when leotards make a statement.  Do I like it when that statement is "Come and see how great my jugs look in this bedazzled mesh!"  No.  I hate that.  I like leotards that show how athletic and artistic the sport is.  However, if a powerful statement must be made via leotard, then I hope it's this one: