Four elite girls standing around doing nothing at the gym. Sounds like another week at the Rock!
If you'll recall from last week, we enjoyed a mother-daughter fashion show instead of, you know, training, FIVE WEEKS BEFORE NATIONALS! Nothing of importance happened at all, except the Cryptkeeper finding out about Kaylie and Carter, which I don't think she gives two shits about. Emily had more forgettable moments with Demon, and Lauren terorrized Sister Mary Summer. That's pretty much all you need to know.
We open the show with Lauren learning a BHS-LOSO, which bumps her DOD, or degree of difficulty, to 6.8. I know, right? If only more girls did BHS-LOSOs! Then we'd have teams full of huge D-score beamers.
The other girls are like, "Oh shit. That massive new tumbling pass totally makes her beam routine as hard as Payson's! Payson, aren't you just so super upset about that?!" and Payson's just like "Nationals is three weeks away. I give no fucks," but you can tell that deep down, she does give a few fucks.
Sasha is legit in the middle of coaching another girl, but Emily finds it necessary to scream for his attention while climbing on top of the low bar.
She chucks a dumpy full-in, and Sasha calls her out for chucking a dumpy full-in. Proving that this is not real life, he orders her to stick with the easier double tuck, and forgo a higher start value. But Emily is all "But Bruno Grandi demands that I do the hardest routine possible, execution be damned! Now I'll never make the top ten!" and Sasha is all "Um, yeah, about that. No chance in hell you're making the top ten anyway." Emily interrupts to talk about Marty, when behold, who should walk in the doors but Marty.
The two coaches meet up in the office, and give each other some gentle ribbing. The boys decide that the Rock will host Marty's gym, Denver Elite, for a friendly invitational.
Sasha tries to rally the troops by pretending that there is a team competition at Nationals. Everyone is more or less on board, until Marty casually informs Sasha that, oh, yeah, Kelly Parker competes for Denver now. Oh, don't know who Kelly Parker, or heretofore known as ABKP (Adult Baby Kelly Parker) is? You will. She is the reigning world and national champion, and has a buttload of endorsements. So FEAR HER.
The girls stand around and gossip while other gymnasts do real stuff. Emily bitches that Sasha doesn't love her enough, and Lauren is like "Well, that's because you suck." Kaylie reminds Lauren that Emily didn't seem to suck that one time she beat Lauren, even though Lauren tried to kill her on vault. So Lauren brings up Creepy Carter, which prompts Kaylie to immediately start talking about sex, because really, what else is there? Lauren's all "Oh, he's pretending that he doesn't care about boning you. That's probably because he's getting it from somewhere else. Duh." and Kaylie's like "My, how cunty of you." Kaylie reassures Lauren that if Creepy ever did cheat on her, it would be the end of them. BING! This gives Lauren an idea...
Marty is lurking out in the parking lot, waiting for the Cryptkeeper. If you'll recall from the pilot episode, they had previously been boning.
He asks the Cryptkeeper if she'd like to "hang out," and she politely declines. He plots to kill her as he opens her car door.
Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer are just chilling down by the beams, as one does, when Lauren excitedly races over to them to tell them about her new super hard beam routine. This is our first glimpse of Sister Mary Bitchface, and I kind of love her. Lauren is gushing about her routine, so Sister Mary Bitchface rolls her eyes and walks away. And I love it.
Creepy Carter is eternally chalking up at the chalk bowl, so Kaylie takes a break from doing nothing to come flirt with him.
They clasp nasty chalky hands in the chalkbowl, which Sasha witnesses, and he is none to happy about that.
Lauren is having a little pow-wow with Daddy Tanner, discussing their Olympic ambitions. Yes, THEIR. While Daddy totally wants it, Lauren isn't happy with his level of commitment to her. It's kind of creepy. We have so many cheating storylines this episode, and this feels like another one. As if her father is cheating on her with his new girlfriend. I saw a Lifetime movie like this once. I think the daughter ended up killing the dad. Daddy Tanner assures Lauren that he would never marry Sister Mary Summer, which makes Lauren happy so they fist bump.
Meanwhile, over on vault, Courtney Kupets reassures us that it doesn't matter that Denver has Kelly Parker, because the Rock has PAYSON KEELER.
This is the first of many, many impossible appearances by Ms. Kupets this week. Unfortunately, this is the only time she plays herself.
The juxtaposition between Kupets and Payson is intense. One is America's supergymnast, and the other is... Payson. Also, THAT is how you do messy hair. Not Payson's fake half-pony nonsense.
Payson trots slowly toward vault, and does a laid out yurchenko, which totally fucks her back up.
There is a scene between Emily and Demon at the Pizza Shack, but it's so boring that I don't pay attention.
More importantly, Payson's Mom catches Payson laying on the couch with an ice pack, and treats the ice pack like it's drugs.
Payson informs her mom that injuries are a part of the sport, because Payson's Mom probably wasn't aware of that.
We find ourselves back at the Rock, with Sasha coaching Emily on bars. He reminds her to do her double back dismount, which she does, but not without her bitching that it's too easy. Later on, he calls Payson into his office, wanting to discuss her little back injury. She begs off, saying it's no big deal at all, but it would be great if she could just have a cortisone shot. She lies to Sasha, telling him that it's been six whole months since she had one. Of course, Payson's Mom happens to walk in just then, and points out that it's only been two months since her last shot. She goes into some whiny teenage bullshit about how other parents let their kids do whatever, and pretty much guilt trips her mother for being a good mother.
That sounds like some Emily Kmetko shit right there. As she walks outside, Lauren is confronted by Sister Mary Bitchface about her new DOD.
It's totally bitchy, and it's totally delicious. She then rails on Lauren for being a mad little brat who lost her mother and is butthurt that her dad found someone else. Lauren's all, "Tough shit for you, my dad's never going to marry you. He told me last night." And that seems to shut Sister Mary Bitchface right up.
Speaking of awkward confrontations, Sasha calls Creepy Carter over to his parking lot camper for a little sitdown. He tells Creepy to back off of his girls, and if he doesn't, Sasha will see to it that his career is ruined. Sounds good to me.
Over at the Casa de Cruz, Kaylie's crazy ass dad is weighing her in the middle of the living room on one of those archaic doctor's scales.
Her dad berates her for gaining two pounds. Could it really be a show about gymnastics without the obligatory weigh ins? I wonder which girl ends up with the eating disorder... Luckily, the Cryptkeeper walks in, and is like "What is this fuckery?" and Kaylie's dad warbles on about hopes and dreams. The Cryptkeeper reminds him that Kaylie is a teenage girl, and maybe wants to live like one sometime. But Papa Cruz doesn't like that noise, so he's all "No, our daughter isn't a worthless loser like you."
Daddy Tanner has taken Sister Mary Bitchface out for a fancy dinner. They seem to dine out often, and never with Lauren. No wonder she's insane. Sister Mary Bitchface calls Daddy out for telling Lauren that he would never ever marry her. Also, for letting a sixteen year old call the shots in his life. Preach on, Sister Mary! Sister Mary makes an attempt to march out of dinner, but Daddy stops her, and proposes. Because that solves everything.
Oh everyone is so thrilled. Back at Casa de Cruz, the Cryptkeeper is distraught by Papa Cruz's comments, so she calls up her "friend" Marty, and loudly proclaims that she wants to bone him. And she keeps saying the word "soppy." What is "soppy?" Anyway, of course Kaylie is standing around the corner eavesdropping.
Kaylie confronts her mother, and freaks out about telling her dad. The Cryptkeeper reminds Kaylie that there are a lot of things her dad doesn't know about, like her dating Creepy Carter. Kaylie gets pissed and hip-checks her mother.
So naturally, Kaylie runs off and jumps into Creepy Carter's creepy jeep. She cries and admits that Creepy is the only person in her life that she can trust. Instead of fessing up to having boned her best friend, Creepy busts out an old necklace that belonged to his mother. He gives it to her, and suddenly, she's not upset anymore. Lesson: if a woman is upset, give her jewelry.
It's finally time for the invitational. There is an announcer, which is weird. Payson lets Sasha know that she is good to go. Instead of being cleared by a trainer, Sasha pokes her back, and is satisfied with the result. He lets her compete.
Sister Mary Bitchface rolls up and psychs Lauren out right before she competes by telling her that Daddy proposed last night. God I wish Sister Mary would stay like this forever. But alas, I know that she does not. Le sigh.
The girls do some totally normal warming up before the meet. I know I always choose to stretch as close to the bar rigs as possible. Marty walks in with his team, including Adult Baby Kelly Parker, and Emily is immediately overcome with his amazing and beautiful their foe is. Adult Baby immediately seeks out Payson for a little pre-meet shit-talking. A lion usually does seek the weakest of the pack first. Lauren won't stand for that, and bravely comes to her friend's defense from the stunningly beautiful ABKP.
Now that we got all of the trash talking out of the way, let's make with the competition! First up on beam is Lauren, who does nothing, as far as we can see. First up on vault is ABKP/Courtney Kupets.
Make It or Break It editing: I have missed you. We start with the normal yurchenko entry, we see some back flips, then some front flips, and then she lands facing the vault table. So, it's clear to me that she did the new KuParker vault.
Next we have Emily Kmetko doing a lovely split mount (this is what the necessary announcer was telling us) Her routine consists of one illusion turn, and then a surprisingly non-whoosh whoosh double full dismount.
Next up is Payson, who is obviously Queen of the Beam. Such artistry. She shows us a BHS-BHS-LOSO, and dismounts with a very whoosh-whoosh double full.
At least we're still of a time where one team does one event at a time. The Rock marches to floor, and Kaylie's up first.
She's got some hot moves alright. She ends in her little cutesy pose, and everyone cheers. We're also treated to a Jordan Schwikert uneven bar routine, compliments of Denver Elite. Creepy is thrilled.
But believe it or not, Jordan's not their ringer on bars. Oh no, that would be one Adult Baby Kelly Parker aka Courtney Kupets.
The best part about this is that the powers that be don't even serve us a bunch of butchery and expect us to believe it's gymnastics. Hell no. This is Ms. Kupets we're talking about. We see a good chunk of her NCAA routine, and it's performed to the fucking HILT. Hop full into monster tkatchev? Why not?? This is an invitational with the Rock! She should be the star of every show. And then she caps it off with the most delightful, sky high double layout ever. What show am I even watching??
Oh. Right. Back to reality, we get a couple of slow motion shots of Payson's stellar leaps. Yawn. I thought she was a POWER GYMNAST?? Then we see her do a roundoff- layout 1/2?- front full like a million times. Oh but she steps out of bounds, and the entire gymnasium groans. Cue Debby Downer noise.
The only one bothering to vault for the Rock is of course Miss Payson. The dramatic music starts up. Oh, but will her back hold up? I simply do not know. Except that I do, and it does. Well, sort of. She does her yurchenko full, and takes a few steps on the landing. She expresses her pain by scrunching her face up and balling her hands into fists. Because remember, Payson's a tough girl. Don't you ever, ever forget that.
Paysons' Mom finds it appropriate to race onto the competition floor to check on Payson herself. Payson guilts her for a bit until she gives in, and allows Payson to get her precious cortisone shot. For a gym that has zero trainers, I wonder who on Earth will give her that shot. She'll probably administer it herself.
But she's back in time for the final event. First up on floor for Denver Elite is ABKP/Courtney Kupets. They just flat out show Courtney doing her 2009 NCAA routine.
Fffft. AS IF ABKP could pull off Kupets' hand wavy choreography. But that doesn't stop her from trying. Courtney Kupets races over after her floor routine, puts on a blonde wig, and hops onto the bars to do Payson's routine. Which is also, funny enough, Courtney's NCAA routine. Best stunt double ever? I'd say perhaps so. And with that, Courtney Kupets' Payson routines beat out Courtney Kupets' ABKP routines for the AA title. Hot dog. Meanwhile, there's that pesky team title that Payson pretended to care about before.
Lauren is up on bars, and after taking a lasting look at Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Bitchface, she decides there's only one way to remedy this: blow her routine. She gives up on a transition, and while the announcer considers it "a fairly routine move," I consider that announcer stupid, because I haven't seen that particular move since 1992. And I miss it so.
For whatever reason, Emily is inexplicably anchoring the UB lineup. Sasha reminds her not to chuck a bunch of shit, just do the routine that won't kill her. ABKP taunts her a bit, and we're to believe that this is what influences Emily to not listen to Sasha, but really, does she ever listen to him? To anyone? Is this not The Emily Show all of the time?
She doesn't even bother with a routine. She just does about six or seven giants, and then really gears up for her dismount. But which will she do?? The chucked full in, or the boring old Sasha-prescribed double back?
I think this face says it all.
And then there's this.
Instead of getting up, she just lingers on all fours for awhile.
How could you not be so pissed at that face? She ever so slowly gets up, and just sort of walks around as Denver Elite's narrow win is announced. Sasha murders her a million times with his eyes.
After everyone clears out, Emily finds Sasha in the office. She apologized for being a heady bitch, and swears that she's totally not going to chuck shit at Nationals. Sasha's like "Uh, no, you won't. Because you're not GOING to Nationals. Peace."
Emily storms out of the office, and in a rage, Sasha tosses a sole piece of paper against the wall. That THAT, piece of paper!
I want to say that was the end of the episode, but there's one final scene between Emily and Demon that I couldn't care less about. So for all intents and purposes, let's just say the episode is over.
If only all shows could have this much Courtney Kupets in them. Le sigh. Well, until next week friends, maybe your faces be bitchy and your dismounts remain chuck-free!
