Have you missed us?
London is history, my mind is blurry from those horrible FIG elections, and NCAA is like a hundred months away. What is one to do?
Recap a show from almost four year ago, obviously.
Let us waste no time. If you're keeping track, and I sure as hell wasn't, this would be the fifth episode of the first season. To recap, Lauren and Kaylie just became super BFFs again, because Kaylie fessed up to being in LOOOVE with Creepy Carter, who of course Lauren had recently boned. Emily Kmetko is busy with Demon and the Pizza Shack, and if you'll recall Bitchface Chloe was super awesome and covered her shift for her, so Emily repaid her by being a huge bitch.
We open with our typical establishing montage of every gymnast except for the main Rock Girls doing gymnastics. Emily is late, as usual, and storms in with the fabulous Bitchface Chloe in tow. OMG, I forgot how much I loved her.
BFC is all pumped for the newly established Rock Moms meeting. Seems kind of sexist to me. Again, we notice that the rest of the gym has been working out for some time, but the Rock Girls are slowly stretching, getting ready for a long day of standing by beam and then walking to the water cooler.
Lauren dives for Kaylie while Kaylie is on about how Lauren HAD SEX. For shame. Kaylie is trying to pity Lauren because it was a one night stand and the nasty chump never even called her, but Lauren insists that it was the way SHE wanted it. It wasn't about making love to some pimply teen, it was about liberating herself. She proves her point by running over to the beam and nailing a seemingly new punch front mount.
Lesson learned: getting laid means you will get a brand new mount on beam.
Inside of the Rock office, the moms, and ONLY THE MOMS (no boys allowed!) are meeting about fundraising for Nationals. Kaylie's mom, the Cryptkeeper, suggests a fashion show, fashion show, fashion show at lunch, and everyone jumps on board. Everyone except for Payson's Mom, who is just too down to Earth and normal to enjoy such things.
Likewise, boring old Payson is working on floor with Coach Sasha. He actually used to coach these girls, who knew.
He blathers on about how despite doing a perfect routine, it meant shit because she wasn't smiling. Perfection means smiling, and there are no other applicable ways to emote anything in gymnastics other than smiling. Expression is only attainable being being either cute, or sexy, or some combination of both. Payson reminds Sasha that, hello, her things are strength and power moves. She can't be a, gasp, beautiful gymnast. It's impossible!
Meanwhile, this is happening.
The moms emerge from their mom-cave, and announce that the gym will be having a fashion show in order to raise the tens of thousands of dollars needed for Nationals. Everyone's like "Fuck yeah! Slutty dresses!" and Payson's like "But, ermahgerd, I have to train for Nationals!"
The girls take a break from sitting around to stand around a little.
Payson's still moaning about how gross dresses and boys are, while Kaylie is making googily eyes at that nasty Creepy Carter. Lauren's upset because she won't be able to walk the runway with her mother, since her mother is rescuing drug addicted orphans in Darfur. Emily's all "Ugh, that's better than MY mom, who is always in my way and trying to help me and be involved in my life." The girls convince Lauren to ask Sister Mary Summer to be her fake mom for the fashion show, which of course Sister Mary is thrilled to do. Now, you'll have to remember that this was when Lauren hated Sister Mary Summer, well before she started stalking her and begging her to because Lauren's new mother.
Sasha is busy actually conditioning with another nameless girl, something we will never see again on this show, and Payson interrupts him and the real gymnast so that she can whine more about the fashion show.
The work day is done, and without having done anything really, the Rock Girls leave. Creepy Carter gets into his jeep only to find Lauren already there, in waiting.
Lauren just wants to talk to him, you know, since they boned the other night and all. Creepy tries to beg out of it, saying it was a mistake and that he loves Kaylie. Lauren's like whatever, and let's Creepy know that if he needs a fuckbuddy, that he knows where to find her.
It's the next day, and we're back at the gym. At first I thought Sasha was coaching yet ANOTHER girl, but turns out it was supposed to be Kaylie. My bad.
I don't know why there's some girl halfway undressed waiting for her turn on beam. Kaylie finishes her passes, walks to the end of the beam, jumps off, and makes a big deal about sticking and saluting that stick. Sasha's all "Well, that was a very cute performance, but you're 16. Try being sexy like Lauren's handspring front vault."
Payson's Mom is busy licking things inside of the Rock office. Sasha asks her what she's so worked up about, and she explains how Payson is just so worried about this dumb fashion show. I mean, she performs all the time, so why is she so worried now?
"(She performs) as an athlete. Not a girl."
You can't make this up, people.
Then Sasha goes on to give Payson's Mom a lecture about femininity in the modern woman, and how if a child isn't a girlie girl, it's probably her mother's fault.
Meanwhile, Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer are at some bastard version of the Spruce Moose. Daddy eats actual food while Sister Mary plays with her coffee mug. If she's especially nice, he feeds her a bite of his food. How kind of him.
Emily is busy at the Pizza Shack with Demon. They BS about nonsense, and he finds an excuse to kiss her. And I just don't care. She stomps home and bitches to her mom about this and that.
At Casa de Cruz, Kaylie is trying to have a sex talk with her mom, but the Cryptkeeper is too busy scoping mags to find hot outfits for them to pimp out at the fashion show.
Lauren stops over and vents to Kaylie about how awful Sister Mary Summer is. Kaylie's like "That's great. But you know what will make you feel better? Talking about my sex life. I think I'm going to bone Creepy Carter after the fashion show."
The following day, the fashion show participants are gathering at the Casa de Cruz to select their outfits for the show. It's basically a montage of the various Rock Girls being shitheads to their mothers.
Lauren's mad because non of the outfits are slutty enough, and Payson's mad because THERE ARE ONLY FIVE WEEKS UNTIL NATIONALS! Emily's pissed that her mother exists at all, even though she's beautiful and perfect and awesome. Bitchface Chloe picks Emily out a sassy little purple number, and Lauren gets all pissed that the cute outfits are gone. She bitches to Sister Mary about turtlenecks, and then stomps off. Sister Mary chases her, and they have a deep conversation about how slutty Sister Mary Summer used to be in high school.
One Dirty Summer.
And of course, no Make It or Break It scene is complete without a single, lonely tear dripping down a cheek.
Payson and her mom have their own mother-daughter moment that ends up with them fake walking down the fashion show runway.
And now Payson embraces her femininity. OK.
It's finally time for the real fashion show.
Kaylie is all sassy with the Cryptkeeper, and Payson and Payson's Mom embrace their girly sides and have fun. Emily wears two polo shirts with the collars popped, and I remember this is 2009. Lauren decides that her original outfit wasn't slutty enough, and steals Emily's purple number. Sister Mary Summer tells her that it's a sin to steal, but Lauren gives no fucks. She marches out there and puts on a show, mostly for Creepy Carter. This leaves Emily with no outfit to wear for her second number. She packs up her shit, ready to bail, but not without first berating her mother for a little bit. This is, after all, her fault in some way.
There it is. How I have missed that bitchface! Despite her daughter being a little snot, she improvises an outfit for Emily to wear.
Sasha is thrilled!
Hooray! Sixteen year old finally understanding how sexy they can be!
Oh, so I guess this whole thing was an auction, and wouldn't you know it, Emily's totally appropriate jacket-dress procures the most money for the auction. That money could have come from any number of dirty old men, but turns out, it was just Demon, who magically has enough money to throw billions down for a used jacket. Lauren's upset because her slutty purple dress didn't generate the most money. So when Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary confront her about stealing the dress, she is none too thrilled. Sister Mary asks Lauren what her mother would say about such rule-breaking, and Lauren's all "Um, how about nothing? My mother's a drunk and an addict who gives zero shits about me. Bu-bye."
Upon hearing this shocking revelation, Sister Mary becomes very upset. Is it because she's worried about poor neglected Lauren? Is she worried about the pressure Daddy Tanner is under to keep his daughter stable despite having an absent mother? No. It's clear that the #1 offense here has been that no one told Sister Mary Summer about such a deep, dark secret.
Lauren's still pissy, so she decides to muck up someone else's life real quick. She runs over to the Cryptkeeper, and tells her that Kaylie is having Creepy Carter sneak into her room tonight so that they can bone.
As Lauren promised, Kaylie is at home, primping for what is sure to be a magical night of hymen busting. Creepy Carter falls in through the window, seemingly unaware of what a teenager with all the candles lit and romantic music playing could possible have in mind. He freaks out, but then is saved by a knock at the door. Kaylie shoves him into a closet, which is covered by some awesome posters.
Kaylie answers the door, and her mother comes in and gives sex talk that Kaylie had always dreamed of. Aww. Finally satisfied with her mother's answer, she no longer needs Creepy to bone her, at least not immediately. He tucks her into bed, and then escapes out the window. And I'm not supposed to find that creepy at all?
I have learned so many valuable lessons this week. Gymnasts must be sexy, because if you're sexy, you'll become more confident on beam and vault. If you don't adequately express your femininity, it's probably because of your deep self-esteem problems, which you can blame your mother for. But a little hair and makeup will fix ALL of that! That way, you can learn to perform as a girl, and not an athlete. Two mutually exclusive things.
It's been real, kiddies. Until next week, may your toes be pointed and your punch fronts be sexy!