Happy Un-Thanksgiving 2013

I'm fully aware that Thanksgiving was last week, but for this scatter-brained mom, five days late isn't that bad!  I haven't showered in a week.

Anyway, OMG, Thanksgiving!  Let's post about all the marvelous things we couldn't live without.  Psyche.  That's not how I roll.

WHAT I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT THANKFUL FOR

1. Valentina Rodionenko.

This basic bitch.  What is her deal?  She makes Martha seem like the Taylor Swift of gymnastics regimes.  Mustafina sucks, she will win zero medals.  Everyone is too fat.  Peace out, best coach we have.  Pavlova can't vault for us, instead, we'll offer you some Nabieva.  Enjoy.  

Speaking of Mustafina...

2. Mustapologists. 

I'll admit, it took me a few years to get on board with her because her batshit crazy gymternet fans clouded my usually impeccable perception.  However, her performance in London reminded me that she is so much more than some nutso fandom.

That said, the Mustapologists still have a LONG way to go.  Yes, she's a remarkable gymnast who will likely be remembered by the community for a very long time.  Yes, she did comeback from a garish knee injury that we all called months before it happened.  Yes, she has this uncanny ability to suck every ball during prelims, and then wipe the floor clean during finals.  Such is the Mustafina.  Learn it, love it.

But never in my life have I ever seen a gymnast more obsessed over.  This is coming from a girl who owned multiple Dominique Moceanu tour T-shirts.  You guys need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  She is an incredible competitor, and has a presence not seen since Boginskya, but she's a human, and you probably don't need to lose your damned mind if she doesn't win, or if, heaven forbid, she has a boyfriend.

Which leads me to my next topic. 

3. Creepy Shippers.

Yup, it's creepy.  There is nothing anyone can do or say to make me believe that it isn't creepy.  I understand reading erotica.  I read 50 Shades of Grey.  However, 50 Shades wasn't written about real people, let alone real teenage girls.  Real teenage girls who love social media and are very capable of searching their own names on Tumblr and reading pornographic stories about themselves, more often than not featuring a lover of the same sex from a different country.  Then, the people who write these stories go bananas when they learn that the very same teenage girl who loves social media who they've been writing erotica about has a boyfriend.

Luckily, slightly older women like Aly seem to understand the joke, and aren't horrified by it.  But for the younger kids?  What a sucky thing to worry about.  Ho hum, I'll just google myself, as one does.  Oh.  Says here I'm in a graphic sexual relationship with a 16 year old that I have never met.  I hope my dad reads it. 

4.  Carlotta Ferlito

So much has been said about this super classy young starlet's commentary.  I don't really care about social or European differences.  I care that Carlotta, and to a lesser extent Vanessa, are seemingly unable to put on their big girl panties and accept their repeated defeats.  You want to know why Simone beat you?  She's better.  Move on.

5. NBC Nastia

I think what bothers me about this is that the potential is there.  An Olympic champion who is not very far removed from her competitive days (or is?  Does 2012 count?) should be able to provide a wealth of information for both the Housecoat Sallys AND the hardcore gym fans.  Sadly, it is not to be.  Instead, Nastia literally repeats what my BFF Timothy Q. Daggett says like, thirty seconds after he says it. 

BFF Timmy:  She's actually capable of doing much harder difficulty than this. 

NBC Nastia:  *30 second pause* Did you know, she's actually capable of doing a harder routine than this?  

6. The Zam Bonus. 

Don't get me wrong.  I love UCLA, and I love Zam.  I'm human, after all.  But the Zam Bonus, or the ability to wobble here and there and still magically score a 9.95, was a tad egregious this past season.  VZ is a terrific gymnast, but as far as I remembered, bending at the hip and extra steps on dismounts were deductions, no?

7. The Utah Ten

I GUESS NOT.  

Oy.   Every team was the beneficiary of some home-cooking this year.  Such is life.  Death, taxes, and massive home overscores.  But Utah really stepped up their game this year.  It was embarrassing.  198.800's for everyone!  Oh, you bent over 90 degrees?  That's cool, it's artistic.  Wonderful choice.

8. The Corner Rule

The FIG really screwed the pooch on this one.  In theory, it works.  IN THEORY.  In theory, a gymnast doesn't spend 15 seconds panting in the corner (read: Mustafina) and instead, artfully launches into her pass.  Instead, a gymnast spends time panting in the corner, but while standing on one leg.  Or facing the other direction.  It also seems like a huge safety issue for me.  I don't like the idea of racing into a tumbling pass short of breath.  Grandi probably loves it.

9. Confessions. 

I don't even know what to say about these.  It really brings the collective IQ of the gymternet down by about a thousand points.  Maybe I'm just old.  That's it.  I'm old.  I'm so old and curmudgeonly that these make no sense to me.

Make It or Break It: Where Are They Now?

Since having my son, I notice that the TV is always on, but I'm never actually watching TV.  It's just always sort of there, perhaps so that I can listen to voices that aren't actively screaming at me while also spitting up and pooping on me.  Anyway, I'm cleaning up my son's spit up and poop when I hear a voice on Modern Family.  A voice I instantly recognize. 

IT WAS PAYSON'S MOM!  

Imagine my excitement. 

It got me to thinking, what is the rest of the Make It or Break It cast up to?  The results may surprise you.  Or not at all.  I have ranked them from most to least successful.  Of course, my idea of success consists of not getting peed on.  I have not been successful in a very long time. 

1. Lauren Tanner 

I feel like this sort of goes without saying.  Lauren Tanner in Sharknado was an instant classic, and is probably the only one of these kids who will see a sequel in her lifetime.  Sure, it was a TV movie with Tara Reid, but a win is a win.  Bitch chainsawed out of a shark. 

2. Steve Tanner

Look, I'm not going to pretend I've watched Shake It Up.  I haven't.  But I do know that one girl who beat Aly on Dancing With the Stars is on it, and it's on Disney (or Nickelodeon?)  One of those channels where a show runs forever.  So in terms of exposure and residual checks, he's high on our list.

3.  Adult Baby Kelly Parker. 

Lord that's an awful haircut.  How Theresa Kulikowski of her.  And that girl on the left totally looks like Ponor.  Anyway, this is a show called Beauty and the Beast, another one I've never watched (remember, I am on pee duty 24/7.)  But I have heard of it, so that constitutes some level of popularity in my book.  I also remember seeing her in a preview of some other ABC Family show that never saw the light of day, and I guess she was on Pretty Little Liars the other night.  So you go, ABKP. 

4. Austin Tucker. 

This isn't actually Austin Tucker.  But this guy kept popping up when I googled "Zane Holtz" and really, I like this guy better.  Holtz has weird teeth.  Despite that, he's been working since being axed from the men's Olympic team.  Two of the movies I have actually seen.  Perks of Being a Wallflower, which was atrocious, and the Lifetime hit Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret. 

 5. Payson's Dad

I've seen Devious Maids a handful of times, and in terms of Lifetime products, it's pretty good.  If you're working with Susan Lucci, you must be doing something right.  It also has Carla from Scrubs, so there's that.  

6. Coach Sasha

This is some British show called Lightfields.  Never seen it, don't plan to.  But the stills appear to be of high production value, and the nerds on IMDB seem to enjoy it.  He also did that beer commercial.  

7.  The Cryptkeeper

 

Something called the Thundermans?  At first I was like, wowzers, she's on a Nickelodeon show!  But then I realized it's been on for all of ten days.  But it's been picked up for 20 episodes, so that's like a years worth of work.  You go, Glen Cryptkeeper.  

 8.  Kaylie Cruz

A show called The Glades.  It's on A&E, which has to be better than Lifetime, right?  JUST KIDDING, nothing is better than Lifetime.  I'm willing to bet that no one poisons her smoothie in this one... or do they?

 9.  THE WONDERFUL AND DIVINE BITCHFACE CHLOE

It breaks my heart that she's so low on this list.  She is just too talented.  Aside from having a baby (super glorious) she did a show called Playdates.  When you need some advice on baby pee, you give me a call, Bitchface!

10.  Sister Mary Summer

Boring old Summer got a boring old part in a boring old movie. 

11.  Emily Kmetko

A Lifetime Original called The Trainer.  It's like this show just funneled their talent to the Lifetime Network.  Now, I haven't seen this yet, but I do have the film in its entirety waiting for me on Youtube.  You can thank me later.  It's also starring some girl that my college boyfriend is friends with, so there's that.  She's the crazy bitch who kills the other crazy bitch.  

 12. Princess Mothereffing Payson

OK, so I totally watched this movie.  I watched the SHIT out of this movie, and I have some things to say.  What the whaaaaaaaat???  So Princess Payson is starring in another role where she plays a spoiled bitchy little queen.  This time, 15 minutes after discovering she was adopted, she decides her parents are worthless assholes and runs screaming out the door.  Where to, you ask?  Why, the liquor store, where any young blonde high school student goes.  She's loitering outside with an unlit cigarette when she asks the first guy who walks by for a light.  Lucky for her, that guy happens to be one of those 35 year old college frat guys who lovingly brings her back to his place for the night.  He puts on some reggae, but only after kindly reassuring her that he "won't rape" her.  A true gentleman. 

So she's living with this loser for 2 days, her parents know where she is, and the movie is still called Missing at 17, so... I don't even care anymore.  

13. Demon

The little title card says it all.  What it doesn't say is Taryn Maroney which I totally thought it did say at first.  A zombie movie starring Taryn Maroney would make any zombie movie infinitely better.  Taryn Manning isn't all bad.  I'll just go ahead and assume you've seen Orange is the New Black, and she is fabulous in that.  

14.  Papa Cruz

Now, this show looks sort of awesome, or maybe I'm just looking at the arms on the second guy on the left.  But Papa is nowhere to be found in this image.  Or any other press stills, for that matter.  My guess is that it's an itty bitty role. 

15. Creepy Carter

He would be last.  UGH.  This isn't even from a real movie.  It's from one of those shorts that you make in college.  This is appropriately titled ONE'N'DONE.  They said it, not me.  

Really makes you appreciate Make It or Break It, doesn't it.  I miss it so.  Le sigh. 

Spanny's Fancy ABCs

As you may well know, I gave birth to a wonderful, sweet, perfect baby boy.  Having a child is amazing, a miracle, a real joy.  It's also a huge time suck leaving me with no ability whatsoever to take care of my daily basic needs, let alone maintain a blog.  Showering, taking a dump with the door closed, eating- all expendable.  You know what I have tons and tons of time for?  Reading baby books.  Over and over again.  Same books.  Again and again.  To the point of memorization.

So, as I'm reading Dr. Seuss's ABCs for the GODEFFINGZILLIONTH time, I thought to myself

"You know what would be so much better than this drivel?  A GYMNASTICS version!" 

And thus, a classic was born.


Without further adieu, I introduce to you

 Big A, little a, what begins with A?

American Amanar Attack! 

and Amy Chow, with her pak. 

Big B, little b, what begins with B?

Bela bites a baby when she doesn't do the beam. 

Big C, little c, what begins with C?

Courtney, Courtney, Carly

All crotching the BB.

Big D, little d, what begins with D?

Dominique does daring-doo

While Diva Khorky says boo hoo.

Big E, little e, what begins with E?

Eberle's exercises; pain the eyes can see. 

Big F, little f, what begins with F?

Four floaty Frenchies attempt to do a Def.

Big G, little g, what begins with G?

Grand Gabby gets her golds,

as you can clearly see. 

Big H, little h, what begins with H?

High bar hottie Hambuchen, 

and Henrietta with some taste. 

Big I, little i, what begins with I?

Inbar-stalders, inverts too,

Illusions and Igor, woo!

Big J, little j, what begins with J?

Johnson, Shawn or Brandy,

both were rather dandy. 

Big K, little k, what begins with K?

Khorkina 1, Khorkina 2,

Kohei and Kasamatsu

Big L, little l, what begins with L?

Lilia's lovely leaping

leaves current leap fans weeping.

Big M, little m, what begins with M?

Mckayla Maroney, Munteanu,

Mustafina, Moceanu

Big N, little n, what begins with N?

Nellie's nipping numbers for her new friends again. 

Big O, little o, what begins with O?

Out-of-bounds and overtime, 

tiny little bitch of crimes.

Big P, little p, what begins with P?

Patterson, Ponor too.

Paul made his cabby boo hoo.

Big Q, little q, what begins with Q?

The quick queen of Qatar

can't really do the bars. 

Big R, little r, what begins with R?

A red, regal leotard 

can take you very, very far. 

Big S, little s, what begins with S?

Silivas' sassy splits,

easily the best.

Big T, little t, what begins with T?

Terin turns up on the beams,

and now she's picking Martha's teams.

Big U, little u, what begins with U?

Ugly ugly turning leaps

and Uchimura too!

Big V, little v, what begins with V?

Vika's very victorious with the velocity on her vault.

NOT.

Big W, little w, what begins with W?

Yes.  Yes it does. 

Big X, little x, what begins with X?

X-rays, x-rays, x-rays,

every gymnast gets.

Big Y, little y, what begins with Y?

Big Yurchenko just like Mack

and not a Roche to your back.

Big Z, little z, what begins with Z?

Zamolodchikova.

And that's it.