B*itches Get Stuff Done: the Sarah and Suzanne Story

Sarah and Suzanne.  Suzanne and Sarah.  Did we all catch this little gem on ESPN?

As a close friend described, it was a "wiffle ball piece of shit."  All of the good stuff was chacked under the threat of defamation lawsuits, so we were left with an 80s fashion show while being repeatedly beaten with the "Bama good/Georgia evil" stick, sponsored by Chick-fil-A.

It is fascinating to take a look back at the early days of collegiate gymnastics, when girls didn't get to travel on private jets (*cough* Florida) and instead got to train in run down chalky barns.

Why is she standing so close to the camera?  Now she looks like a giant.  Bama kept axing coaches after consecutive losing seasons.  Eventually they stumbled upon Sarah, who was offered the head coaching position after applying to be an assistant.

After starting with an audience of 30 people, Sarah had dreams of filling an auditorium with fans of her "ladies."  Bama girls were to conduct themselves with the utmost class.  Now, admittedly, I have only been following NCAA for 4-5 years, but... when did the whole lady thing change?  The first word that comes to mind when I think of Bama is not "ladies."

Cut to shots of Georgia generally sucking 10 years after their start.  Per Suzanne, she was offered a job she had never even applied for.  She mentions several times how she was so awesome and so incredible that she didn't even have to try to get a job, people just submitted for her.  MANY people.  SO MANY PEOPLE. 

She totally wasn't going to take the job.  I mean, she didn't even know what college gymnastics WAS.  But so many people begged and begged her to do it that she eventually gave in.  Starting with a meager audience of only 200 people, Suzanne became such a ball-buster that the bigwigs on campus just had to give her what she wanted.

Interesting narrative going on here: when men say gymnasts should win at all costs, it's power-grubbing abuse.  When women say their gymnasts should win at all costs- it's just giving them the confidence they need to succeed.

By 1984, both teams were at the top of their game.  Fashion game, that is.  Georgia had caught up to the Tide not by being hard working athletes, but because of their "win whatever it takes" attitude.  (I feel like it should go without saying that this is not my personal belief, but I'm sure I'll still get angry emails.) 

That's a lovely dog sweater you have on there, Suze.

We're 14 minutes into this thing, and we've already seen more double backs off of beam than we've seen in the past five years.

On and on they go about how specific it is to these women that they had desires to build the sport's attendance, and make it super popular.  Um, hi, have you heard of Greg Marsden?  That guy like created gymnastics marketing. 

But yes, we get to hear more about how S&S invented marketing, and how special that was because they were fragile little women.

Yikes yikes.  These were some classy adverts, what with the middle gal casually thrusting the ground and all.  I've always asked myself "Spanny, why isn't there more floor thrusting in collegiate gymnastics?"  This program also makes sure we remember that the only way a female athlete can be popular and successful is if she's promoted sexually.

"It's all about getting the next person in........ the door with a ticket."  

Speaking of sexual...

The proper Patterson vs. "open and honest" (read: cocky) Yoculan.

At the 1986 SECs, both Bama and UGA were set to bring down billion-time defending champs Florida (who knew?)  Suzanne felt the need to wear a maternity gown.

They just don't make comfortable muu-muus like that anymore.  That hipster in the front row knows what I'm talking about.  UGA's last competitor nails FX for a 9.5 to win the meet (LOLOLOL????) In fact, they won that sucker with a 185.15.  CAN YOU EVEN BECAUSE I CANNOT.

We hear all about the gloriousness of winning SECs, with nary a mention of a little team called Utah.  Now, we all know I'm not a huge Utah fan by any stretch of the imagination, but let's not pretend that they weren't, I don't know, the most important team of the 80s?  Eventually someone actually beat Utah, and that someone was UGA.  And then Bama did it.  And the SEC continues to pretend that no other teams even exist, while Bama and UGA alternate super divine and might I say classy team posters.

I love how everyone's like "We're #1!" and then these two random bitches are like "You got it, dude!"

Ew, all of a sudden we hear this thumb-head guy go on about Georgia's big muscled physiques versus Bama's slim, petite, pixie bodies.  Shut that shit down, Blondie.

We learn that Georgia was known for super tough routines, while Bama was known for clean and consistent ones.  What universe is this?  We can listen to any number of UGA alumni who all seem equally brainwashed.  Oh, you think the more difficult routines automatically get the benefit of the  doubt?  SINCE WHEN.  Seriously, we get a parade of alumni smiling creepily and trash-talking Bama, like 100 years later.  TIME TO GET OVER IT LADIES.  

Wait, what?  YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE.  Thanks Al for explaining to us that the beam is hard.  God knows how I would comprehend that factoid without you breaking it down for me.

During the 1991 SECs, seemingly the only meet of the year that mattered, Bama was nailing it on beam while UGA was up on bars.  The only Dawg (I want to junk punch myself for referring to them as such) who isn't a total bot, Kelly Macy Roberson, divulges that Suzanne only had one piece of advice for her: "DON'T. FALL."  She even mimics Suze's crazy eyes.  She returns later to tell us how Suzanne made them practice immediately following a bad meet, because that's what crazy bitches do.  Seriously though, minor league hockey coaches get fired for that shit.  But it's OK when Suze does it because she's just that passionate?  Sure.  

I wonder if Macy was one who shared a little more than either Sarah or Suzanne was comfortable with.  I'm not at liberty to go on, but these coaches have some skeletons.

The next chapter is dedicated to the voluntary dual-meets that the two teams hosted.  These women weren't stupid; they knew that filling the stands with each others classless fans was their ticket to making bank.

Their fans weren't abusive or distracting, they were just passionate.  Cheering when someone falls off of beam is a very passionate thing to do.

This is relevant, as per reports from NCAAs this year, as in the year 2014, Bama fans are still quite passionate.  Enough so that they took on the heavy burden of aiming laser pens at the Florida gymnasts while they were competing on beam.  If that doesn't scream dedication, I don't know what does.

Ah, not to be outdone, Georgia fans also had some passion of their own.  The Cheeks (tee hee, their name is The Cheeks) were none to happy about their precious snowflake Lindsey losing to that abhorrent Taylor Spears on beam, and they made sure Taylor knew it.  When Beam Champion Taylor Spears was announced, the Classy Cheeks (*SNICKER*) made their way to the front row to boo Taylor.  Shame on you Spears for beating their daughter.  SHAME. ON. YOU. 

Back to the early 90s, Kathy Johnson (was she Clarke'd yet?  Not sure.) was rightfully aghast by the crude displays of poor sportsmanship at the time.  Kathy is a national treasure.  Then and now.

Agreeing with Kathy is the GORGEOUS Ashley Miles.  Oh my God.  She is stunning.

More alumni testify that the Bama marching band would crash and clang their cymbals during beam routines.  I'm totally feeling the Gym Dogs' (no more DAWG bullshit) plight until Suzanne pops up, saying that the athletes would say "Well, when I went to Georgia, they threw ice at us.  When I went to Bama, they held up signs that said 'Dirty Dog.'"

Um, ok.  This is just me, but methinks throwing ice at an athlete is a slightly worse offense than making a poster that says Dirty Dog.  Like, you don't have to read the posters, but you might have to run away to avoid the FLYING ICE.  Just a thought.

That Suzanne though, she "thought it was all hysterical.  I loved it."  I'm sure you did, Suze.

Both coaches agreed that fans did come for more than just gymnastics.  Some came for the ice-throwing, while some came for fireworks and heavily edited opening montages.

God I love this picture.  This is the 90s summed up in one picture.

Kristi Lichey explains to us that Georgia invented putting sparkles on leotards.  So can you even believe that Bama totally copied them and put sparkles on THEIR leotards too?  The nerve.

Another universeal trend was goose-stepping into the arena.

Suzanne tells a riveting story about how she had fireworks and Sarah wanted fireworks but the fire marshal said Sarah couldn't have the fireworks even though Suzanne had fireworks and Sarah really really wanted the fireworks. 

In case you were wondering how the story ended, and I know I was, Sarah eventually got her fireworks.  I will sleep soundly tonight. (JUST KIDDING, I HAVE A BABY LOLOL JOKE'S ON ME)

Now, the real reason that any true gym fan watched this ESPN "film" was, of course, for the outfits.  When all the good stuff is edited away under threats of litigious annihilation, it's clear that the only thing left is the OUTFITS.

Turn to the left (#teamNastiaFan101.)  "Battle of the Wardrobes."  I mean really.  We're to believe that Patterson dressed like it was more of a "business affair," (um, see above?) while Suzanne was more outfitted for a "cocktail party."  OK, so maybe I'm just focusing on the above picture too much, but I feel that Phyllis Nefler wore seemingly this exact same outfit at some point in the film.

*If you don't know what film I'm referring to, you should just stop reading because you and I will never be friends.*

So close.  While wearing Giorgio fashions, Sarah P makes her "ladies" wear this super-tasteful totally not a thong leotard.

More UGA alumni trash Bama's clean and neat routines, because everyone hates clean, neat routines.  Kristi Lichey brags that UGA would show up in black and red leotards because they were fierce and dangerous, not because those were the school colors.  She then talks up Suzanne's designer clothes, because we all know that designer clothes make you a better coach.  Some random informs us that Georgia was the leather jackets of gymnastics, but not literally.  Thank you for letting us know that the gymnasts were not literally leather jackets.  I thought Lichey was a jacket.

Suzanne and Co. pretend that they invented sexualizing collegiate gymnasts (again, see Greg Marsden.)  Suzanne says she was "smart enough to capitalize on clothing and attire."  Way to go, Suzanne.

Instead of giving us the real drama, we get to hear about how desperate each coach was to out-sell the other one.  UGA sold out their building of 10,000 seats while Bama sold out theirs with 14,000 seats.  "Who thought that could ever happen?"  Um, I don't know, GREG MARSDEN AND UTAH LIKE TEN YEARS EARLIER??  The Utes had crowds of over 15,000 people by 1991.  So really, SEC, EABFD.

We're told of a dual meet between the two teams where allegedly Suzanne purposely used narrower uneven bars than all the other teams were used to.  Naturally the Tide sucked it up on bars, and Sarah blamed Suzanne.  Suzanne then infamously replied "Losers make excuses, while winners make adjustments."  

The SEC hammered Yoculan for being a snotty bitch, and Suzanne wasn't a bit happy about it.

Suzanne continues to try to defend herself, some 100 years later, still insisting that she did nothing wrong.  She then accuses Sarah of using all of Suzanne's trash talking to build up Bama's fan-base.  

Suzanne doesn't like that her "words are being used."  I love that.  I just love it when people verbally vomit from their mouths, and then get mad when people react to those words.  She was upset because the Bama crowd would boo her.  Remember, she thought it was awesome and fun when her athletes would get booed.  When it happens to her personally?  Not so much.

The Crimson Tide (who came up with this nickname anyway?  I can't be the only one who associates this with a woman's monthly) eventually began to upgrade their routines, which gave Yoculan another opportunity to flap her gums and congratulate the team on finally doing "real gymnastics."  

The Bama alumni were a little confused, seeing as how they beat Georgia repeatedly with their apparently fake gymnastics.  Some years later, there was another supposed scandal regarding an out of order deduction being contested with Alabama.  Suze is super vague about it, and the deduction wasn't even taken in the end, so I don't get what all the fuss was about.  But Sarah was super pissed so Suzanne got super pissed and shut the whole thing down.  There would be no more voluntary dual meets, she declared.  Then she took her toys and went home.

Fast forward to the 2003 SECs.  Georgia nailed vault, ending with a 10 by Chelsea Byrd.  Suzanne and the team jumped around and celebrated because they had OBVIOUSLY won the meet, even though Alabama had yet to finish up on floor.  The fabulous Ashley Miles told everyone "Sit down bitches, I got this."  And she did get it.  Bama beat UGA by "...just half a point."  Um, that's actually a lot, isn't it? 

Bama didn't get to enjoy their success for long, because in 2005 Georgia took over.  Like, took over EVERYTHING.

You'll have to remember that teams outside of the SEC, such as UCLA, did not exist.

Even the seemingly normal Courtney Kupets has a case of the bots going on as she classily informs us that she "doesn't know what it's like to lose a National Championship."  

Ok so maybe she can get away with saying that, but even then just barely.  In Kupets' last year, and coincidentally Georgia's last year of success, Suzanne decided she was going to retire, and made herself a part of the senior class.  Part of me thinks "Oh, that's nice.  What a nice way to enjoy her final year of coaching."  The other part of me thinks "You were so obsessed with your mega-successful graduating class that now you're trying to be one of them."  It's like when moms try to live vicariously through their children.  Not that I know anything about that.  I totally do not attempt to coach my year old son.  Totally.

Of course we all know how the legend goes, with UGA taking 53895380 National Team titles in a row, and Yoculan ending her epic career with yet another win.  We hear more garbage about the this particular rivalry being the sole reason for any success the sport may have now.  Then we get close ups of Suzanne and Sarah/Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday's various gaudy jewelry depicting how many times they won. 

Finally, we're reminded that UCLA and Oklahoma are merely figments of our collective imaginations.

The powers that be have decided to allow Florida a speck of attention, but only because they are a part of the exclusive South Eastern Conference.

In summation, this truly was a wiffle ball of shit.  I know that fans of both Georgia and Bama will read this, and say "Spanny you fool, why are you so biased and hate my favorite team SO MUCH?"  Truth be told, I despise Bama and Georgia equally.  Utah too.  I am equally unimpressed with all of them.  But credit where credit is due: Utah was groundbreaking when it came to marketing the sport.  Georgia was entirely dominant for years.  And I'm sure Bama has some redeeming qualities that I'm unaware of. 

The narrative was ESPN's and ESPN's alone.  Though my distaste is spread equally amongst the teams, I still could sense that the producers seemed to be pushing the Bama agenda with this film.  Yes I'm snarky, but they made it entirely too easy to rip Suzanne apart.  So maybe this was Patterson's final blow, who knows.  But I think the real question is, who really cares?