i realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality. but, face it, i'm legend. it's happened.

Work, then off to CHICAGO for CLASSICS!!  I'm driving in with my dear, thoughtful fiance who informed me I would be spending the weekend alone because he's going to get trashed with his Navy buddies.  Eh, what can you do.  I've got better things to focus on, like an all-day gymnastics BONANZA. 

This was the photo that came up when I googled "gymnastics bonanza."  Again, I won't argue this.  It's going to be a good day...

brunettes have no place in show business.

This is about a week late, but sue me.  I've been so into this book I'm reading, The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  All I've wanted to do is read, and not melt my brain away in front of my computer.  But, I finished the book, so now I'm back to brain melting.

So last week's Make It or Break It.  Now, I've gone on record saying this was a much better episode than we've seen in the past, but mind you that's not saying much.  Maybe it's just my brain already melting, but moments in this episode almost seemed a teeny tiny bit real.  Like Emily in the hotel room.

Aside from the useless clips in her hair (seriously, I use a million of these clips a day.  And they are not used for whatever she's doing with them), this was a cute moment.  I still do handstands all of the time, everywhere I go.  It's obnoxious.  But it's not like I can just NOT do them.  It's stress-relieving, it's mindless.  It just needs to be done. 

But that's about it as far as reality goes for this show.  Because soon we are inundated with sandwiches, Romanians in pink leotards, and dudes wearing sunglasses while doing pommels. 

So Nastia.  Yeah...  what the hell?  I'm not going to lie and pretend like I wasn't excited for her appearance on the show.  Despite all the evidence proving otherwise, the producers seem to actually know who real gymnasts are.  And Nastia doing commentary didn't seem like such a bad gig.  Right?

Wrong.  Turns out Nastia needed to hawk some Subway sandwiches instead.

Oy.  First of all, and I know this isn't news, but the wardrobe people on this show need to be fired.  Like NOW.  Poor Nastia.  The entire gymternet rips apart her physical appearance every day, and this outfit isn't going to help that.  The sad thing is, this outfit really is the culprit here.  First of all, purple = Barney.  Everyone knows that.  And how is her dress too big and too small at the same time?  That doesn't even make sense.  Thirdly, why do all gymnasts insist on wearing clothes that cinch their non-existent waists? 

 "Hiya Champ!!"

Where is her waist?  Oh, I don't know, right below her boobs, I guess.  And is she stuffing her bra?  Why is the top of her dress like a size XXXXL?  Or was that a ploy to make her look thinner? 

I just wish girls knew how to dress.  Flatter what you've got, and hide what you don't.  We all know Nastia is still skinny as hell, according to normal people standards.  She just needs to stop wearing such horrible, horrible things. 

The gymnastics in the episode, by and large, was very MIOBI-ish.  I don't understand how Courtney Kupets can play every single character. 

Also, I didn't know this, but apparently guys wear sunglasses while doing events inside. 

Also, they might want to be careful with the whole reflective sunwear thing.  You can see the camera man in his glasses.


See, I look at those sort of things.  I look in the background.  Now, warning, once things have been seen, they cannot be unseen.

Why, it's just a picture of Lauren, her ugly braid, and her super high Barbie ponytail.  Nothing to see here...

Oh wait. 

There it is.  Such a lovely, fine piece of gymnastics.  It should be noted too that this was the apex of the "leap."  It didn't get any higher, or splittier. 

So that's that.  What happens next?  Will we see real gymnastics?  Will we see more of Lauren's fugly hair?  Oh, the possibilities...  

i recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because i had a very satisfying dream that i once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts.

And I'm back! 

To be fair, I've actually been back for a few days now, but I just needed some time to recoup from such a "fun" trip.  And by fun I mean horrible.  But nevermind all that.  I have my internets back!

Too bad there is NOTHING even remotely related to gymnastics going on right now.  Aside from the Japan Cup, which I admittedly don't know much about, and this weekend's camp that had absolutely zero news come out of it.  The most interesting thing I saw was a group photo with all the girls in their workout leos. 

Something about Becca's leo is so wrong, it's right. 

Make It or Break It should have some of these on their show instead of those weird Nastia collection ones.  I know Nastia has designed some cute leos, but also some duds.  And the duds are all on MIOBI.  I would need sunglasses just to walk into that gym.  Which is totally possible, by the way.  At the Rock, people can just walk right in and stand on the floor, if they'd like.

Let's discuss the season premier of our favorite show, shall we?  There are too many other sites that are great at recapping, so I won't bother with all that.  I'll just point out some of the most noticeable WTFs. 

Obviously, the opening sequence was a huge WTF.  Yeah, you're the big bad Rock girls, we get it.  That said, I'm not sure why they were doing a photo shoot in 80's glam hooker wear. 

It's fair to say the Lauren looks like a tranny here, right?  Colored streaks in your hair and bright red lipstick obviously means you're a rebel.  Ugh, but why purple?  It totally clashes with rust colored "leotard" she has on.  And they couldn't find a slutty ensemble that fits, at least?  This looks bulky on Lauren in all the wrong places. 

Obviously, fit was not the number one priority for the wardrobe staff.

Poor Emily.  Yeeshk.  And poor stunt double.  How are you supposed to tumble with 1/2 of your ass hanging out??  The wedgies that must have produced, ugh. 

Lauren's double doesn't have it much better. 

Oh, another thing we've learned this week: gymnasts love to work out in the dark.  It's way easier. 

I've collected many, many IG mags in my day.  And never once have I see three scantily clad girls on the cover.  Ever.

Like, hi, can we not sexualize gymnasts?  Nevermind that they're supposedly only sixteen in this show.  We all know that you can't respect a female athlete unless she's HOT.

It's not all for nothing, however.  Lauren does a ROCKING scale on beam.  All funning aside, I do like her hands.  Everything else about this picture cracks me up though.  

MIOBI is still the authority on gymnastics accuracy, obviously.  From the super-realistic rips that totally don't look like  grape Kool Aid spots-

-to Lauren doing some barre work on the beam while another girl is seemingly working out on it. 

I'm sure this happens at gyms all around the world.  Such beautiful ballet work...

I had a picture of Lauren flashing Creepy Carter, but the picture bored me.  She's not even wearing a cute outfit.  Pink ruffly boy shorts are so out.  That does not mean, however, that rust colored, buttcheek exposing leotards are in.  Because they're not. 

Give me Bross's leotard any day.