This is what I do when I'm called off of work at the last minute.
I am clearly growing delirious with boredom.
This reminds me that I think Dougie should add a super crazy high Hindorff to her routine.
That's a delightful headless double layout dismount.
So, I think I may have found this one Barbie on Ebay that I have spent the last year or so hunting for. This is the fucking MESSIAH of gymnastics Barbies. It's not actually a gymnastics Barbie, per say, but it is absolutely built for Spanny Tampson Barbie gymnastics glory. This isn't your 1996 Olympic Gymnast Barbie with the blonde hair and flat feet with ribbons. Oh no. This is something else. The auction is over in five days, so here's hoping my paltry bid wins. And if it does, WATCH OUT INTERNET! Vintage gymnastics Barbie is coming for you.
What WAS this?? I just... I don't even know. At first glance, it's a FX routine by your current world champion. While she's wearing pigtails. And little snow boots. I don't know what to say about that.
Actually, yes I do. I'll start with WHAT THE FUCK? Like, OK, I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't enjoy a cutesy routine from time to time, because I do. I was, after all, raised in the Moceanu generation. That said, cutesy heel-toe butt waggle routines are only charming when performed by children. Moceanu was a child when she got away with pounding the floor and sticking her ass out. At 14, it was brilliant and adorable. By 15 it was awkward and strange.
So when I see a classy, stunning TWENTY year old wearing pigtails and prancing around, I become concerned. As we get older, pigtails are found in four separate areas:
1. 1999 Britney Spears videos
2. College girls dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween
3. Anime
4. Porn
Now, I would never judge Ksenia for #2 (we've all done it, don't lie) I don't see her falling into the other categories. Notice, nowhere is "Doing a gala routine after winning a meet in Mexico," listed.
The boots. Word has it that this is some sort of homage to a traditional Russian dance, so OK, whatever. I highly doubt that this traditional dance involves ankle-high snow boots with little cat toy danglies on the back. Worn with no pants, a leotard, and a cape.
As any lady knows, poofy ankle boots worn WITHOUT PANTS creates a very stubby leg line. Now, to give the gorgeous Afan stubby legs is difficult, but these boots get the job done. Also, they really bring attention to that fact that she's not wearing any pants.
So, little girl hair: check. Horrible boots for the cold Mexico nights: check. What else could we add to this gem of a routine?
Yassss. Some buttoreography.
It's not entirely ladylike to bend over at the waist and stick your ass out. Again, if you're a junior and maybe using some clown music, it's doable. It is never OK for a 20 year old. Ever. Because you know what you end up with? This.
Unacceptable.
Taking a break from her busy ass-display schedule, Afan does make time for some calisthenics.
I want to make some snarky comment about the purposely flexed feet, but all I can think is that I wish Team USA would copy her a little bit. Even when looking like Jazzercize Barbie, Afan looks fab. There is no denying that.
Oop, we have to get back to sticking our butts out and shrugging our shoulders. Because we're just so CUTE.
Amid all of the horrifying assstickouttery, Afan did manage to throw in one of THESE. So I can't hate. Too much.
Heaven. Only if everyone in heaven wore tacky little boots, in which case it would actually be hell.
Ksenia wraps up this little mindfuck with a tribute to Michelle Tanner.
"You got it, dude!"
Also, she flashes us her crotch while keeping her foot flexed, in a stunning display of hamstring flexibility.
A few gala routines that were slightly less horrifying than this one:
In summation, I really hate galas. For the most part, they are a mockery of gymnastics. And I'm sorry, but who would ever pay money to watch an elite level gymnast prance around and do a few back handsprings? I mean, yeah, I totally sat front row to the 1996 Mag 7 tour, but that was a different time. Moceanu totally did a double back on FX, and Dawes did 4 LOSOs on BB. FOUR MOTHERFUCKING LAYOUT STEPOUTS. They don't make them like that anymore. And until they do, stop doing galas.
STOP THE PRESSES!!!!
We have found one. It's blurry, it's far away, but it uses the Hockey Night in Canada music and that's all I need to know to deem it AMAZING!
So, from both the above video, as well as Afan's nightmare, one could deduce that the teams were given a small about of time to create a routine based on the team they're competing for. So for Afan, the horrible Russian ass show. For the Canucks, brilliant wonderful Hockey Night music. My second mission: find better video of that routine!
Also, like, would this not make one HELL of a reality show? Kind of like SYTYCD. The teams get a random theme, and then have to create a gymnastics routine around it. In one hour. Now THAT'S TV!
OK, so I thought the recent USOC London photoshoot pictures were super cute. So, so, so much better than those creepy mask pictures from pre-Beijing.
Now, that said, I seriously question the professional ability of the photographer of this latest bunch. Or the hair and makeup team (if there even was one?) And the artistic director. That said, I'm no expert, so who am I to judge? But you know what I am an expert on? BENT FUCKING WRISTS.
I mean REALLY? Does that not HURT? I'm tempted to photoshop a basketball on her hand and have her slam dunking. Do the kids still call it that, slam dunking? Because unless you are carrying a ball, or spooning up water or something, there is no reason to ever have your wrist in that position. Ever.
I will give Nastia credit for not wearing pink, a Bump-It, or a pink Bump-It. Also, I love the lovely arabesque position. The wrists, however, make it look like she's trying to fly home. You are not a bird, Nastia Godzilla Liukin. So stop it.
Sigh. I have been defending Jordyn's leaps for some time now. This is a fine leap, marred by hands that look like they're putting on a puppet show. You know, one of those shadow puppets you'd make on the wall when you had nothing better to do at a sleepover. The left hand is a duck, while the right hand is an old man walking.
Now, surely you're asking
"But Spanny, you seem to hate everything about gymnastics. Are there any wrist positions that you DO like?"
Yes, there are!
BAM
LIKE THAT
Oh yeah girl, that's some good wrist right there.
One day, when I become NTC, I'm going to devise a contraption that prevents girls from flexing their wrists. A fancy splint of some sort. It would bend backwards to allow for back handsprings and such, but it would not bend forwards. Imagine the lines, IMAGINE THEM!!! It's only a matter of time...
