you gave me a dead pig for christmas

Sweet Jesus. 

What WAS this??  I just... I don't even know.  At first glance, it's a FX routine by your current world champion.  While she's wearing pigtails.  And little snow boots.  I don't know what to say about that.

Afan Gala Horror  (Thanks to Between The Olympics for the upload!)

Actually, yes I do.  I'll start with WHAT THE FUCK?   Like, OK, I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't enjoy a cutesy routine from time to time, because I do.  I was, after all, raised in the Moceanu generation.  That said, cutesy heel-toe butt waggle routines are only charming when performed by children.  Moceanu was a child when she got away with pounding the floor and sticking her ass out.  At 14, it was brilliant and adorable.  By 15 it was awkward and strange. 

So when I see a classy, stunning TWENTY year old wearing pigtails and prancing around, I become concerned.  As we get older, pigtails are found in four separate areas:

1. 1999 Britney Spears videos 

2. College girls dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween

3. Anime

4. Porn

Now, I would never judge Ksenia for #2 (we've all done it, don't lie) I don't see her falling into the other categories.  Notice, nowhere is "Doing a gala routine after winning a meet in Mexico," listed. 

The boots.  Word has it that this is some sort of homage to a traditional Russian dance, so OK, whatever.  I highly doubt that this traditional dance involves ankle-high snow boots with little cat toy danglies on the back.  Worn with no pants, a leotard, and a cape.  

As any lady knows, poofy ankle boots worn WITHOUT PANTS creates a very stubby leg line.  Now, to give the gorgeous Afan stubby legs is difficult, but these boots get the job done.  Also, they really bring attention to that fact that she's not wearing any pants. 

So, little girl hair: check.  Horrible boots for the cold Mexico nights: check.  What else could we add to this gem of a routine?

Yassss.  Some buttoreography. 

It's not entirely ladylike to bend over at the waist and stick your ass out.  Again, if you're a junior and maybe using some clown music, it's doable.  It is never OK for a 20 year old.  Ever.  Because you know what you end up with?  This.  

Unacceptable.  

Taking a break from her busy ass-display schedule, Afan does make time for some calisthenics.

I want to make some snarky comment about the purposely flexed feet, but all I can think is that I wish Team USA would copy her a little bit.  Even when looking like Jazzercize Barbie, Afan looks fab.  There is no denying that.  

Oop, we have to get back to sticking our butts out and shrugging our shoulders.  Because we're just so CUTE. 

Amid all of the horrifying assstickouttery, Afan did manage to throw in one of THESE.  So I can't hate.  Too much. 

Heaven.  Only if everyone in heaven wore tacky little boots, in which case it would actually be hell.  

Ksenia wraps up this little mindfuck with a tribute to Michelle Tanner.  

"You got it, dude!"

Also, she flashes us her crotch while keeping her foot flexed, in a stunning display of hamstring flexibility.  

A few gala routines that were slightly less horrifying than this one:

1. The Mag 7 does the Macerena.

2. Hollie Vise butchers Marilyn. . (also see THIS.)

3. Dominique Moceanu copies Catalina Ponor's BB routine skill for skill (FIND ME THIS VIDEO!!!)

4. The Courtneys think they're HOOD while dancing to AOL sign on sounds.

5. Nastia does UB in her underpants.

In summation, I really hate galas.  For the most part, they are a mockery of gymnastics.  And I'm sorry, but who would ever pay money to watch an elite level gymnast prance around and do a few back handsprings?  I mean, yeah, I totally sat front row to the 1996 Mag 7 tour, but that was a different time.  Moceanu totally did a double back on FX, and Dawes did 4 LOSOs on BB.  FOUR MOTHERFUCKING LAYOUT STEPOUTS.   They don't make them like that anymore.  And until they do, stop doing galas.

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!

We have found one.  It's blurry, it's far away, but it uses the Hockey Night in Canada music and that's all I need to know to deem it AMAZING!

So, from both the above video, as well as Afan's nightmare, one could deduce that the teams were given a small about of time to create a routine based on the team they're competing for.  So for Afan, the horrible Russian ass show.  For the Canucks, brilliant wonderful Hockey Night music.  My second mission: find better video of that routine!

Also, like, would this not make one HELL of a reality show?  Kind of like SYTYCD.  The teams get a random theme, and then have to create a gymnastics routine around it.  In one hour.  Now THAT'S TV!