A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

i'm really worried people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms.


Another year, another horrible gymnastics and skating "spectacular."  And spectacular they are!  Spectacularly horrifying. 

This fall's show was no different than any other production that we've been subjected to.  Sub this tween pop singer for that, Nastia still flails about to whatever garbage that the kids are listening to these days.  A few back handsprings, nothing more, and that's your show.

I could end the recap there, but then you'd all miss out on all the delightful imagery from the show, and we just can't have that. 


We open up with three mannequins giving us a rundown of tonight's performance, which includes Nastia having a wardrobe malfunction while the talented Greyson Chance plays the piano. 

A piece of advice: if there is a huge black triangle where your crotch should be, your dress is too short. 

I have a lot of respect for gymnasts who do it all: elite, then NCAA, and finally pro.  That said... what is with "The Courtneys?"  Is this a thing?  Are they a package deal? 

It's hilarious to watch C. McCool flit about and do exhibition-level crap while C. Kupets just rips off elite level skills.  How does Kupets ALWAYS look like she could walk on to an Olympic Team? 


These lucky girls got tasked with performing on beam while some skinny kid warbled on about God knows what.  I'm sorry, I know I'm old, but is this what the kids are into these days?  Is this considered attractive?  Because I want to punch him.  He looks like a wiener.  It must be said. 


These routines cannot be professionally choreographed.  There is no way.  I'm pretty sure the C's rolled up like, the day before, and were all "Ok.  We need a routine.  Quick, make something up!" 

 It took them a good 400 minutes to even get on the beam.  For awhile it was a cross between a ballet barre and horizontal stripper pole.  They also prove to be 100% incapable of doing anything at all in unison.  Unless, of course, that was their intention, in which case I say GOOD JOB LADIES.  Well done.  Kupets does a Gator chomp while McCool reaches up like a teapot.  They didn't manage to do their switch side leaps together, but they did manage to bend over and stick their asses out as a team.  That was the only timing they got right.  For ex-teammates/BFFS with the twinsie names, they seem to have zero awareness of what the other is doing at all times.  It's very curious. 

 Following this was the second of Nastia's billion prancing around numbers.  This time, she was backed up by SNOTTY LITTLE BRAT GIRL WHO HAS MELTDOWNS IN RESTAURANTS WHEN THEY WON'T SERVE HER TEENAGE ASS PROSECCO.  Not to be outdone by this horrible little girl's outfit or singing, Nastia tries her hardest by wearing what can only be considered the Avril Lavigne of spandex outfits. 


Nastia is very hardcore with her torn pink shirt, and pink leg warmers.  Now, as someone who successfully rocked legwarmers for an amount of time, all I can say is that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.


I give up.  She is clearly incapable of holding her arms like a human being.  I know I harp on this.  It's only because I care.  Nastia has it in her to produce BEAUTIFUL shapes and lines.

More this.

Less this.

And definitely no this. 
Nastia takes a break from her super high level back handsprings to play kicky face with a couple of the skaters.  

I thought that was as awkward as it could get, but then they had a brief infomercial where Nastia and Jared the Subway guy have lunch ON TOP OF THE BEAM, so yeah, that kind of maxes out the awkward meter.  


Nice Toddlers and Tiaras hair, Nast.  Continuing the HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWKWARD theme, the Courtneys are back with a hip hop (???) number on FX.  


Why is Kupets wearing a cape?  Giggles abound as McCool does some RO leaps while Kupets busts out huge double pikes.  


I know this was a thing that started at Georgia or whatever, but when did McCool become a dancer?  Was it uncomfortable when the real backup dancers showed up and danced behind the chicken legged wiener kid?  This is why I hate the SEC.  

Greyson Chance is so unbelievably talented, I can't get over it.  He does his little boy super genius thing while Nastia... does this.  

I can see your Bump It...

Heya Nast.  Whatcha wearing there?  What a cute headba-


AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I felt that Nastia's beam performance was best depicted by including the images that come to mind while watching.  






There is really just nothing more to say.  What gymnastics did your current Olympic champion perform, you ask?  A few back handsprings, a front aerial to wobble.  She jumped off the beam to do an onodi on the floor, and then hopped back onto the beam to do more prancing.  So yeah.  

In conclusion, every moment spent watching these shows is a moment of my life I will never get back.  I want to die because my eyeballs and brain hurt so very much.  

Bring on the elite season.  Please.  Dear God please. 

25 comments:

  1. It was so horrible, I can no longer speak.

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  2. I agree with all of the above! I am more concerned that the next crop is getting excited about next summers tour..... the tweets and retweets by nastia aly etc about it just makes me sad!

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    1. JOHNNY BRAVO!

      Someone tell Nastia wearing black does not make her look skinny.

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  3. The Gymnastics Craptacular did not disappoint. Just as awkward and pointless as last year. Why not bring in some unknown junior gymnasts to do some REAL gymnastics? Oh wait, then we would miss Nastia's stellar performances. Right.

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  4. Omg I freaking love your posts!!! They make me laugh do hard!! :) This show was an embarrassment and I was embarrassed watching it and I wasn't even in it!!

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  5. Oh, dear GOD, Spanny. When I saw you had a new post, I went and got a piece of birthday cake to enjoy while I read it. That proved to be a poor decision, as I nearly choked to death on it when I saw Nastia's MOTHERFUCKING BUMP-IT. I will never, ever be able to thank you enough for posting that cap.

    And the ones with the cartoons during her beam "routine"...holy shit, dude. She looks like some sort of Xanadu/Karate Kid film hybrid.

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  6. So awful. Butt shelves, tree poses and a bit of thrashing about between does not constitute choreography. I would love a ballet choreographer to make her a floor routine. She has such an elegant body she really ought to move it more musically. It would be so divine if she did. Maybe that's the real reason her mum won't watch her compete!

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  7. I survived until the image depictions on Nastia's horrific beam

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  8. That was awesome. These people are insane! They look like fools. Id love to see Kupets in an elite comp. She'd probably have a good shot!

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  9. Best thing ever. Nastia has SO MUCH potential to be a beautiful gymnast but all this "fame" has gone straight to her head. She needs the bumpit to conceal her extremely large ego (which is a lot larger than her bump it). She was graceful when she was 10 then she adopted a body and those god awful hands, double chin face, and "I think I'm so beautiful when I'm doing this choreo" (evidence: the god awful floating cape routine). She needs to get knocked off her pedestal and fast

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  10. This made me laugh so so so much.

    It really is appalling. Obviously any gymnastics fan would hate this crap but I think being a Brit makes it all the worse in a way. It is just so far removed from anything I can ever imagine happening (never mind people actually parting with money for).

    She just looks awful. I saw a few clips. Worst bit for me was getting off the beam for the onodi. Just don't do it! Even if I knew nothing whatsoever about gymnastics I would still think that was completely weird and disjointed.

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  11. Hey Spanny, remember the gym spectacular back in.... '93? '94? After the '92 Olympics. It had Shannon Miller and Tatiana Gutsu and they did ACTUAL gymnastics. A little watered down but I remember seeing Shannon's actual bar routine and a beautiful compulsory floor routine with Shannon and Tatiana together. Why can we not have this again??? Why must we be subjected to the horrors you just posted about? :(

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  12. Sigh. I miss the Reese's Cup days when they would put on a costume, find some matching theme music, and then bust out a competition routine. Remember that gymnastics clown guy? Even he threw more difficult skills than these bitches.

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  13. Take a chill pill spanny: your post makes no sence. The only one that could sing,is: Ariana. And I would watch nastia anyday over komova or a musty. You must be a bitter person.

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  14. Bring on the MIOBI recaps! I mean, bring them back. Please.

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  15. I loved this post and I was relieved to see you were still posting !! Thank you for making me laugh !

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  16. Realization. There are Nastia-sponsored TigerPaws. Meaning, if she wore them, nasty wrists wouldn't be able to exist. How can someone with THOSE wrists sponsor TigerPaws? Does she own a pair? Has she ever tried them on?

    http://www.gymsupply.com/wristsupportsnastiatigerpaw.aspx

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  17. Spanny, I found this clip today: http://www.youtube.com/user/thegymnasticminute#p/u/123/uihmjvKHHRo

    of course girls are going to have crappy hands when this type of stuff is teaching them how to make those hands :(

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  18. It's a pity you don't live in Northwestern Europe, as they do end-of-year galas there which are actually worth watching (most of the time, anyway), featuring all forms of gymnastics: artistic, rhythmic, acro, tumbling, trampolining, the works. Lots of fun on a rainy evening...

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  19. I was so amused by this the first time, I read it again.
    Hey, "front aerial to wobble" is probably gets you a connection bonus these days =P

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  20. funny but uhhh where did you go? you haven't posted in like, a month!!!

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  21. spanny where ARE you???

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  22. just wondering do you ever plan on posting again?

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  23. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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