i'm really worried people are gonna think your legs look thinner than my arms.

Another year, another horrible gymnastics and skating "spectacular."  And spectacular they are!  Spectacularly horrifying. 

This fall's show was no different than any other production that we've been subjected to.  Sub this tween pop singer for that, Nastia still flails about to whatever garbage that the kids are listening to these days.  A few back handsprings, nothing more, and that's your show.

I could end the recap there, but then you'd all miss out on all the delightful imagery from the show, and we just can't have that. 

We open up with three mannequins giving us a rundown of tonight's performance, which includes Nastia having a wardrobe malfunction while the talented Greyson Chance plays the piano. 

A piece of advice: if there is a huge black triangle where your crotch should be, your dress is too short. 

I have a lot of respect for gymnasts who do it all: elite, then NCAA, and finally pro.  That said... what is with "The Courtneys?"  Is this a thing?  Are they a package deal? 

It's hilarious to watch C. McCool flit about and do exhibition-level crap while C. Kupets just rips off elite level skills.  How does Kupets ALWAYS look like she could walk on to an Olympic Team? 

These lucky girls got tasked with performing on beam while some skinny kid warbled on about God knows what.  I'm sorry, I know I'm old, but is this what the kids are into these days?  Is this considered attractive?  Because I want to punch him.  He looks like a wiener.  It must be said. 

These routines cannot be professionally choreographed.  There is no way.  I'm pretty sure the C's rolled up like, the day before, and were all "Ok.  We need a routine.  Quick, make something up!" 

 It took them a good 400 minutes to even get on the beam.  For awhile it was a cross between a ballet barre and horizontal stripper pole.  They also prove to be 100% incapable of doing anything at all in unison.  Unless, of course, that was their intention, in which case I say GOOD JOB LADIES.  Well done.  Kupets does a Gator chomp while McCool reaches up like a teapot.  They didn't manage to do their switch side leaps together, but they did manage to bend over and stick their asses out as a team.  That was the only timing they got right.  For ex-teammates/BFFS with the twinsie names, they seem to have zero awareness of what the other is doing at all times.  It's very curious. 

 Following this was the second of Nastia's billion prancing around numbers.  This time, she was backed up by SNOTTY LITTLE BRAT GIRL WHO HAS MELTDOWNS IN RESTAURANTS WHEN THEY WON'T SERVE HER TEENAGE ASS PROSECCO.  Not to be outdone by this horrible little girl's outfit or singing, Nastia tries her hardest by wearing what can only be considered the Avril Lavigne of spandex outfits. 

Nastia is very hardcore with her torn pink shirt, and pink leg warmers.  Now, as someone who successfully rocked legwarmers for an amount of time, all I can say is that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

I give up.  She is clearly incapable of holding her arms like a human being.  I know I harp on this.  It's only because I care.  Nastia has it in her to produce BEAUTIFUL shapes and lines.

More this.

Less this.

And definitely no this. 

Nastia takes a break from her super high level back handsprings to play kicky face with a couple of the skaters.  

I thought that was as awkward as it could get, but then they had a brief infomercial where Nastia and Jared the Subway guy have lunch ON TOP OF THE BEAM, so yeah, that kind of maxes out the awkward meter.  

Nice Toddlers and Tiaras hair, Nast.  Continuing the HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWKWARD theme, the Courtneys are back with a hip hop (???) number on FX.  

Why is Kupets wearing a cape?  Giggles abound as McCool does some RO leaps while Kupets busts out huge double pikes.  

I know this was a thing that started at Georgia or whatever, but when did McCool become a dancer?  Was it uncomfortable when the real backup dancers showed up and danced behind the chicken legged wiener kid?  This is why I hate the SEC.  

Greyson Chance is so unbelievably talented, I can't get over it.  He does his little boy super genius thing while Nastia... does this.  

I can see your Bump It...

Heya Nast.  Whatcha wearing there?  What a cute headba-

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I felt that Nastia's beam performance was best depicted by including the images that come to mind while watching.  

There is really just nothing more to say.  What gymnastics did your current Olympic champion perform, you ask?  A few back handsprings, a front aerial to wobble.  She jumped off the beam to do an onodi on the floor, and then hopped back onto the beam to do more prancing.  So yeah.  

In conclusion, every moment spent watching these shows is a moment of my life I will never get back.  I want to die because my eyeballs and brain hurt so very much.  

Bring on the elite season.  Please.  Dear God please. 

they look like deep fried deep poop.

The Progressive Skating and Gymnastics "Spectacular" was not content to make us watch Nastia prance around in daisy-dukes.  Oh no.  We also had the privilege of watching the beautiful and talented Hollie Vise butcher a real Hollywood classic. 

Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is one of the most timeless performances in Hollywood history.  Even if you've never watched anything but Harry Potter your entire life, chances are you still somehow magically know the lyrics to this song.  This image is EVERYWHERE.  I have it as an ornament on my Christmas tree.  This is one of the most popular song-and-dance numbers of all time.

So imagine my excitement when I see Hollie sashay on the floor in a near replica of Marilyn's epic pink dress.

Seems fishy that Nastia would allow Hollie to wear pink in her show, but nevermind all that.  They really went all out, right down to the big ass-bow.  I'm guessing they couldn't find pink gloves, but the white gloves weren't so bad.  Especially compared to the lovely sheer hooker-pumps she got to walk around in.

Marilyn did not wear hooker shoes.  Even these faults did not calm my excitement to see Hollie pull off this iconic routine.  I mean, Marilyn had built-in WOGA choreo!  Buttshelves and everything!

And even WOGA wrists!

The easiest thing in the world for her to do would be to put on a super recognizable pink dress, flex her wrists, stick her ass out, and sashay about.  In other words, do a WOGA routine.  This is all Hollie had to do, and she would have NAILED this number. 

This did not happen.

Don't get me wrong.  We saw the wrists and the shelf.

We also saw Hollie giving what appeared to be a lap dance prior to mounting the beam. 

After which, she does some weird kicky-thing, while the guys stare at her jugs. 

That's not awkward at all.  Slowly but surely, Hollie does make her way onto the beam.  Upon which she busts out some classic Adi Pop choreography, which pretty much consists solely of choo-choo movements. 

And of course, throwing in the random military salute, the quality of which would get me tri-punched by my sister, brother, and fiance if I ever tried it. 

This is followed closely by some Chellsie Memmel inspired booty shaking from what has to be the most unflattering camera angle of all time. 

Hmm, what an interesting angle.  Why in the world would they choose to shoot from here?

Ahhh, you tricky editors!  I see what you did here.  See, in real life, Hollie fell on her front aerial.  But we couldn't have that on TV now could we?  So Hollie had to reshoot at least that portion of the routine, I'm assuming after the audience left.  Which is why she is shot from below, because you can't see that there is no audience.  Very very tricky.

Marilyn didn't get an audience-free reshoot when she faceplanted a curtain in the middle of her number. 

Thus ends my review of this horrible recreation gone wrong.  For the record, I don't blame Hollie, not for one second.  After watching the entirety of the show, it's obvious that choreography, costuming, and song choices were not top priorities.  I imagine it was some combination of artistic direction, who probably though that dressing a gymnast in pink and prancing around in hooker heels would constitute an acceptable number, and Adi Pop, who destroys everything she touches.