Sunday, December 2, 2012
Welcome back friends! Let's refresh from last time. Emily totally screwed everyone by performing an UB to her liking, smashed her face on the mat, and lost the meet for the team. Sasha told her to eff off, and that she was no longer going to Nationals. Creepy Carter gave Kaylie a necklace, hot dog, and Payson did more annoying shit.
We open with every other girl at the gym already well into their workouts. Everyone, of course, except for the top four. Shit, Emily isn't even THERE yet. She slowly rolls into the gym while Lauren is busy ogling Kaylie's new necklace. Lauren damn near loses her mind when she hears it's from Creepy Carter, and makes a mental note of where Kaylie puts the necklace in her gym bag.
There are some dreadful scenes between Sasha and another British woman, but they're just too boring to detail. I gather she's some sort of media something or another from some agency, and wants to poach girls for her own greedy gain. What an exciting plot point.
Sasha takes a break from awkwardly flirting with the British lady to introduce her to the girls. Apparently she's there to film some "Sizzle Pieces," which I'm going to assume is Make It or Break It-eeze for fluff pieces.
Missing from this pow-wow is one Emily Kmekto, who has been chalking up on bars for about 20 minutes. Remember back in the first episode, she made a huge deal in Kaylie's brother's car about NOT wearing grips? She wears them now. As she longingly stares from the chalk bowl, Sasha catches her eye, and stomps over to yell at her.
Immediately she turns into teenage brat mode, and starts sassing at her coach. Not a good idea when you know you screwed the man over, and he's likely totally pissed at you.
Sasha gives her a speech about how he came to the Rock to coach only the girls "who can compete at the highest level." He says this with a straight face as some girl does a 45 degree split jump on beam in the background. All the same, Emily is not up to that standard, so she is not welcome at the Rock. Oh, well, huh. You being a huge bitch to your coach didn't work out in your favor? I'm so surprised.
Emily wastes no time, and is soon working the day shift at the Pizza Shack with Demon. She spills her woes to him, and explains that she'll keep training that dismount, oh, she'll keep training it alright. Then Sasha will HAVE to take her back! Demon's like "Cool, we'll just break into the gym at night," which I'm sure will have no consequences whatsoever.
In walk the Rock girls, who we are to believe came right from the gym. Which explains why Lauren has sex kitten hair. They make small talk about Emily getting her ass kicked from the gym, when a mysterious old delivery man comes in with the latest beer shipment. But who is the old man??
Egads! This begins one of the recurring themes we see during this show, which is "Poor me, my parent has taken an unsavory job just to sustain my impossible dream!" Payson is, of course, horrified.
Payson's Mom is also pissed. I get it, ok, so the guy has been keeping a secret. But a job's a job's a job, and he's doing it for good reasons. But sure, let's just keep berating the man who is trying to support his family.
Over at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie is busy tearing apart her gym bag because she can't find the necklace that Creepy Carter so lovingly gave her. You know, after her boned her best friend. She's on the phone with Lauren who is of course at home, wearing the very necklace that Kaylie is missing.
Lauren's psychotic episode is interrupted by Sister Mary Summer, who is apparently babysitting Lauren while Daddy Tanner is away. OK. She brings Master Lauren her supper, and notices her pretty new necklace.
Emily is busy with Demon, doing a little breaking and entering. This show is so full of good lessons. I mean, Lauren can steal and attempt to murder with no backlash whatsoever. Now Emily is going to break into the Rock, and I'm sure it will totally work out for her.
Demon is super excited by the fact that there are springs under the floor. I'm not going to lie, it's kind of cute. Isn't that how everyone is the first time they step into a gym? He asks Emily to jump with him, which she does. Of course they somehow end up on the floor, seductively laying together.
Oh, ABC Family, don't ever change. Demon reminds Emily that she wasn't here to work on HIS mount. A BOOM CHHHHHH. That was all mine, folks. She regretfully climbs from underneath the sweaty teen's body, and sulks over to the uneven bars. She explains to Demon what daring move she will be doing this evening, which is, of course, the "full in back out dismount." I have never once heard that skill referred to as such, but whatever. I don't train at the Rock, I guess.
Back at the gym, during the day, Sasha is still painfully flirting with this British woman while trying to explain her "Sizzle Pieces."
Those are your stars! Just take your pick! Such artistry, such athleticism. How is one to choose?
Since she's banned from the gym, Emily is stomping through her apartment, getting ready to go somewhere else. I don't care about her. I care deeply about the dear, divine Miss Bitchface Chloe!
Bitchface Chloe devises the perfect plan to get Emily back into the gym. Seduce her coach. Was there every really another option?
Back at the Rock, Kaylie gives zero shits about her training, but gives many shits about her lost necklace. She is outside, digging in the flowers, as if perchance they lept out of her gym bag and walked outside to freedom, not unlike a scene from Toy Story. Payson comes out to help her, so Lauren joins the fun by taunting poor Kaylie. They all three start to talk about the British agent lady, and how many millions of billions of dollars she's made for Kelly Parker. Payson's ears perk. She has a plan...
... and so does Bitchface Chloe. She struts into the Rock office wearing a hot red number, and is all over Sasha. How he refuses, I simply do not know. Nor do I care to know. He shuffles her outside of the gym, and he re-enters his office in horny silence.
Payson meets up with the British Agent in the parking lot, and lets her know that she absolutely wants to be represented by her. BA is all "Well that's great! Talk to your parents." and Payson's all "Oh, right, no, they totally want this too. Totally. TOTALLY." BA takes that as parental consent, and shakes Payson's hand, seemingly unaware that underage children are not able to make deals such as these.
Sister Mary Summer rolls up to the gym, only to catch Kaylie sobbing inside of her car.
Sister Mary asks what the tears are about, so Kaylie explains the necklace. Sister asks her what the necklace looks like, maybe she can help look? Kaylie describes the necklace, and a lightbulb flashes over Sister Mary's head. And she's off.
Back at Payson's place, Payson's Dad has so kindly offered to maintain his family's lifestyle by taking a job back in Minnesota (HOLLER.) He'll commute, and yes it sucks, but man what a great sacrifice for a parent to make for his family, right? WRONG. Unacceptable, says Payson, but never fear. She has supposedly signed on with British Secret Agent, and will be making bazillions of dollars from here on out. No fuss, no muss. Except her parents are normal, and tell her that she's insane. They won't forgo her chances at an NCAA scholarship just because she might do well at Nationals during a non-Olympic year. I would like to dedicate this entire episode to Jana Bieger. Princess Payson throws a fit, because her parents obviously don't give a shit about her, and storms off.
Back in the dark gym, because I'm sure turning on the lights would totally kill everyone, Demon is busy dicking around on beam.
Wearing socks on beam is a total recipe for disaster. Someone should have told him. Emily lands a few more dismounts, and decides it's time to kick it up a notch. And what better way to upgrade your dismount by adding a release move in the middle of the routine? She determines that a Jaeger will do just fine. Hell, why not? Throw whatever releases you'd like in a dark gym being spotted by some horny pizza boy. Good decisions all around.
By the next day, Emily is totally confident in her abilities, and struts into the gym so she can show off her new moves.
No pants, no shoes, only grips. Get it. Everyone is silent as Emily rudely cuts across the gym, and pushes ahead on the bars. I'm sure no one was using those. A crowd gathers to see the spectacle.
The music swells as she performs her routine seemingly consisting of only the Jaeger and dismount. What was her routine before? She receives some polite applause, and greedily turns to Sasha waiting for an apology and heaps of praise.
Instead of that, Sasha calls her a dog, and tells her he's fresh out of biscuits. Ouchie. He tries to end it at that, but Emily continues to scream in front of everyone at the gym. He calmly walks over to her, and tells her she's a worthless piece of shit. I'd think it was harsh if I didn't agree with him. He refers to her as a dog a few more times before she finally takes the hint and hightails it out of the gym.
One of those songs that MIOBI uses incessantly plays as Emily runs away from the gym. She's going for a lively jog, and heads to the one place where she can leave her troubles behind.
Oh yes! Remember, Emily learned all of her hot skills at the playground. Just like Nadia. So it makes sense that she runs back to her original place of learning. Now excuse me while I sing "Playground" by Another Bad Creation softly to myself for a few minutes.
Done. Emily has a gay old time romping around the playground.
Emily finally tuckers herself out, and is chilling on the swings as her mother joins her. Seems Bitchface Chloe pretty much always left Emily at the playground as a child. She tries to have a nice moment with her daughter, but instead Emily is a huge bitch and runs off.
Back at the gym, Sister Mary Summer storms in to gather Lauren. Lauren freaks out, because Sister Mary is wearing HER Olympic rings necklace! The audacity!
Sister Mary is all like "Oh, I thought that was what the kids did now, jack each others prized posessions." She threatens to tell Kaylie about the whole thing, but Lauren gets it. Man I miss cool Sister Mary Summer.
It's nighttime, and Emily has apparently been running around aimlessly in the rain for a good amount of time. She finds herself soaking wet and banging on Sasha's trailer door.
She really does resemble a wet dog. She continues to beg and plead to Sasha, and he's still not buying it. She cries a little more, becoming increasingly more pathetic, and finally Sasha's all "Jesus, OK! I'll meet you in the gym."
Emily is in the gym, miraculously bone dry, doing some basic skills on beam at Sasha's command. He instructs her to fall off the beam, and Emily looks at him like he's on so much crack. He yells at her to just listen to the fucking words he says for once, and she sasses at him because he's just another man, and every man in her life is horrible and abusive and will leave her. I would leave her too. This is when shit starts to get weird. Sasha starts yelling at her about submission, and I start to get the uh-oh feeling.
He goes on about "letting him in," and "letting him guide her." This sounds like porn dialogue to me. Emily continues to bounce back and forth between sobbing and freaking out at Sasha. She needs some bipolar meds, like, yesterday. But now she's back to being nice, and moans to Sasha that she needs him. "I need you more than I've ever needed anyone in my whole life." I just barfed in my mouth.
She's ready to submit to her coach, probably sexually, when he tells her to be at practice in the morning. She's all "WAIT! Catch me." She climbs on the the beam, and waits for her beloved to spot her.
I'm sorry, and Payson was the one to go crazy and smooch her adult coach? As if.
Back at Keelor household, Payson is laying in bed as her dad comes in to say goodbye. He gives this heartfelt speech, and she keeps her back to him the entire time. Dumb brat. He says goodbye, and walks out. He says goodbye to Becca and his wife, when Payson finally wises up and runs out to hug him goodbye. The real scene stealer is Payson's Mom. She does a great job being both stoic and yet really expressing the pain of watching your spouse head out the door to support your family while you're left at home to keep that family together. There is a good 4 seconds where Payson seems to understand that she's not the only one dealing with the pain, and the Keelor girls all hug.
The following day, everyone's back at the Rock. Lauren surprises Kaylie by explaining that she "found" her missing necklace. Kaylie orgasms on the spot and lavishes Lauren in all the praise befitting of a best friend.
I love Kaylie, but seriously, that's what you get for wearing your baubles to the gym. That just screams safety hazard to me.
Smarmy British Secret Agent is still lurking around the Rock, filming "Sizzle Pieces" when she approaches Emily for one. Emily's all "Sigh, those are just for girls going to Nationals." Smarmy Agent is like "No duh. Sasha said you're one of them. Now do flips for me." Cue more sappy music.
Emily races over the Pizza Shack to brag to Demon about her regained Nationals status. More awkward sexual tension. Does this girl have a platonic relationship with any man ever? I think not.
And that is that, friends. Oh the fun we've had.
Until next week. May your necklaces be gaudy and your grips be chalky!