A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

hello, tweedle stupid, tweedle fake boobs.

Make It or Break It.  Haven't you missed it?

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.  However, I am also known for liking the crappiest, shittiest shows on television.  Hello, Paradise Hotel?  I love trashy TV. 

So, recap from the first half of the season: Emily Kmetko was arrested at World Team Trials in a leotard because she janked some seizure meds from the pharmacy instead of calling 911 like normal people.  Lauren is, as usual, a huge snatch and pissed at her dad for lying about her mother.  Payson is aloof and only concerned about the whereabouts of her coach/lover, Sasha Belov.  And Kaylie's in rehab for developing the inevitable eating disorder and passing out, where else, but on beam during Trials. 

We open with a scene that proves I am far too old to be watching this show.  The girls show up at the Rock for midnight training, totally normal, and are bitching about having to work out so late.  Kaylie, in her new "team leader" role, reminds them that they've had to miss birthday parties and spring break, blah blah blah, so who cares about a little missed beauty sleep?  Lauren doesn't give a shit, because at least the boys have to be there too.
Cut to the guys doing insane stunts like jumping to the rafters, some twisty crap, and I'm pretty sure they show McClure doing a high bar routine in reverse.  Wowzers.  So the girls are all WTF, until they realize the guys are now suddenly vampires.

Well that's just great.  Since when are vampires bad?  I thought every young teen quivered with excitement every time a studly, young vampire walked by.  Whatever, these vampires aren't sparkling, so the girls spaz and jog slowly toward the exit.  Payson, being the... least fit of the group is naturally the first to go.  Lauren is seduced by that gross hag Carter, but Kaylie manages to escape the Rock.  It's probably because she's so thin and agile. 

So Kaylie is strolling leisurely through the foggy streets of Boulder/Los Angeles, when she sees another tall vampire approaching through the darkness. 

Do you ever see girls who are horribly frightened, but just scream and don't move a muscle?  Me neither.

I love how in real life, she's like 4 feet shorter than she is.  But then for the close ups, they must have her stand on a box or something, because she is magically taller.  That, or they make him stand in a ditch.  They had to do that for the brother in The Wonder Years you know.

Sasha then pulls up in some speedster, and whisks Kaylie to safety.  Except that now she's a vampire, and destroys him.


Turns out it was just a dream, which Kaylie was sharing with her therapy group at rehab.  Her group leader is trying to get all that mushy crap out of her, and Kaylie is just not having it.  She insists that she has no issue, and that she is just an intense athlete who needs to get the fuck out of dodge and back to training.  This is also our first introduction to Skinny Minny, who is Kaylie's roommate in rehab.

Back at the Rock, the girls are pulling up in whatever minivans their mothers happen to be driving that day.  Emily, again, chews the shit out of her mom, because all teenage girls are entitled to their parents doing everything for them flawlessly, and supporting their really expensive sports.  Girl, if your mom can do nothing right, MOVE THE FUCK OUT. 

Payson whines to her mother about losing her dream, yaddi yadda, and Lauren rolls up with Summer, because she's too mad at Daddy for lying to her about her druggie mom.  Well Lauren, maybe that's karma's way of paying you back for being such a huge ho to everyone else on the show.  Think about that.

The girls lounge around on the floor, eternally stretching, while some various extras do dip walks and full turns in the background.  Those crazy extras.  Since any and all official business happens at the gym, Emily's probation officer shows up to meet with some random "National Gymnastics Association" asshole, and various parents.  Her spot on the World's team is in jeopardy until this little committee snoops around enough and decides whether or not Emily's personal life is up to snuff with her athletic life.  The team is scheduled to go to Denver over the weekend for an exhibition showcasing local talent in order to support a Denver bid for the 2018 Olympics, and Em wants to be there.  They decide she can attend, but only IF she wears- GASP- an ankle monitoring bracelet.  Oh the shame.

Well hello, Miss Tasha!

The girls arrive in Denver, only to be greeted by that pesky Denver Gymnastics team, lead by that delightfully bitchy Kelly Parker.  Kelly lets the girls know that she is hell bent on jacking one of their World team spots, which will naturally be determined by who performs best at the exhibition.  Because that's TOTES how it works in real life. 

Austin shows up with a "hot" new friend named Max, who instantly gets creepy with Payson. 

Lauren, being the hormonal slut that she is, is all "HAIL NO" and is all over Max like white on rice.  The group tries to convince Max to choose Boulder over that cesspool Denver.

The girls visit Kaylie at rehab for 45 seconds, and then peace out of there.  But not before Emily compares having to wear a bracelet to Kaylie having a life-threatening eating disorder.  TOTALLY the same thing. 

Of course, there is the quintessential dance party scene.  Lauren is all slutted up, ready to get all up on Max.  So she's pumped when he shows up, wanting to take pictures.

Payson looks truly gorgeous, while Lauren throws up a duck face, and Emily looks homely.  I wonder which girl he'll go for?  But then, OH DRAMA, turns out Carter (Kaylie's ex-BF who stuck it in Lauren a while back, and mysteriously moved away from the Rock) is now training at Denver, and is probably sticking it in Kelly Parker now.  Lo is PISSED.  However does one solve such a dilemma?  One answer:  SLUT OFF.

For an ABC Family show, this is some awfully racy dancing.  The girls try to one-up each other, with Kelly tossing a Jersey Turnpike, and Lauren essentially just throwing a leg up on Max and riding him. 

To ruin the fun, Emily is sitting at a table all alone, until Austin throws her a bone and offers to dance with her.  Because she's just too damn moody, she says no, and explains to him how awful her life is, and how shitty her mom is.  Austin, in the first blip of reality in the whole show, tells Emily to fuck off, and to stop blaming her mom for everything.  FINALLY.  Enough of this whining teenage garbage. 

Back at Case de Kmetko, we see the lovely Chloe Kmetko getting dolled up for her cocktailing job at the strip club.  When who should knock on the door but that intrusive National Gymnastics Association asshole.  Dude, you're not social services.  He just thought he'd stop by late at night to check out the real haps on where Emily lives.  Chloe lets him know that she was just about to leave for work, and then ever the asshole, NGA guy is all "At 9pm??"  Bitch, some people have night jobs!  Get over it.  And then he discovers, in the horror of horrors, EMILY DOES NOT HAVE HER OWN ROOM.  Sweet Jesus no.  She'll never make it to the Olympics without her own bedroom, don't you see??  Chloe, being the one lovely, believable, endearing character on the show tells him what's what, and kicks him out.  But not before giving him a bitchface that puts Nastia/Bogi/Musty to shame.

Back at the raging party, Payson learns from Kelly Parker than Sasha is hiding in Denver, so her mom runs out to find him.  She locates him immediately at some boxing club, where he confirms that he's bailing, and going back to Romania.  Oh, that's right, Bela's his dad.  Lest we forget.

Time for the exhibition!  Emily is having a stroke because she's worried about people seeing her ankle bracelet, until Austin unpacks a bag full of the ugliest leg warmers I've ever seen.  So they're ALL covering their ankles, and not just Emily.  How sweet.

Denver begins their show, which involved a lot of back handsprings and twisting.  Have you ever noticed in this show how they always make a "whoosh whoosh woosh" noise whenever someone twists?  There was a lot of whooshing today. 

Following Denver is the Rock, with a considerably sassier number for all to see.  I'm having a hard time figuring out the setup for all this.  I see a tumble track, but are the mats just mats?  Or are they on top of a floor?  They're throwing full-ins and arabian double/half outs, so I have a hard time believing they're just some blue mats on top of grass.

The girls are sassing it up, having a jolly old time, until Emily, Payson, and Lauren get on beam.  Emily gets into a side handstand, when SHAME of all SHAME, her legwarmer slips down and the crowd sees her ankle bracelet!  Whatever will the children think????

Emily has a meltdown and bails off of beam, and runs off.  And just stands there.  After some painfully awkward moments, Max jumps on stage and starts throwing some flairs on the vaulting table.  The show is saved!  The crowd goes wild, and that misfit Emily is forgotten.  Oh, until she jumps back onstage and makes some wildly unwelcome speech about being such a failure and a disgrace and generally making everyone feel more uncomfortable than they did before.

After the exhibition, Austin Tucker finally comes to visit Kaylie at rehab.  She asks him point blank if he is really "falling for her," and when he says yes, she admits that she too is falling for him.  He tells her to back off, and focus on rehab.  She does not like this response. 

That is the face I make throughout most of the show.

The girls go back to Boulder, and Chloe, being the best person on the show, switches her room with Emily, so that brat can have her own room.  Lauren moves home to be with her creep ass dad, and Payson puts Sasha's medals in a drawer.  Maybe she's not obsessed with him anymore?  I don't know.

We end back at rehab with Kaylie and Skinny Minny.  Skinny reveals to Kaylie that she's not down with treatment at all, that she's just a model who's faking it so she can get out of that joint and get back to modeling ASAP.  Kaylie is thrilled with this info, and the girls plot their escape from rehab.

And thus, we end our first revisit back to the crazy world of the Rock.  Whatever will happen to these horrible teenagers?  Will Kaylie bust out of rehab, skinny as ever?  Probably.  Will Emily continue to be an intolerable bitch?  Most likely.  Will Lauren finally get an STD or something to result from her evil, slutty ways?  Also likely.  Will Payson continue to just be there, reminding us in every way that these girls are not real gymnasts?



  1. I think the thing that bothers me most about this show (although don't get me wrong, I still love watching it!) is that these girls are SO not gymnasts. The only one that comes close to looking somewhat like a gymnast in a leotard is Kaylie but the other 3 are just ridiculously unbelievable.

  2. Can we discuss how little effort this show puts into naming even their main characters? Especially the supposed "Romanians"? I don't care if Bela is his dad, SASHA BELOV is NOT Romanian in any way, shape or form. Also, and I've been hanging onto this one since that 1st-season ep where the "Romanian" girl won the AA, "Asta" is not only not a Romanian name, I'm pretty sure they made it up on the spot and were like "Sure this sounds Romanian." Except it doesn't. Assholes.
    *rant over

  3. I do not watch this show (I tried--I really did), but I will read your updates. They're far more interesting than the show itself.

    I snorted a little at "while some various extras do dip walks and full turns in the background." LOL

  4. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I am not even reading this post. Harrumph.

  5. ridiculous
    I was always like yeeah, let it be, it's just a tv show. But the last episode was a lot even for a flegmatic me... Urghfdas wtf

  6. I cackled through this entire garbage pile. I can't believe it, but this might actually be the worst episode yet, other than that whole 10-episode "OMG SHOULD PAYSON GET SURGERY OR NOT?!" BS that I skimmed through.

  7. Oh I can't lie- I still love watching the show....but I highly enjoy the plot summaries from Spanny- so true and funny. Well done!

    Btw- did anyone else notice that it looks like Emily is wearing a strapless bra under her leo? Even if it is not strapless, it is certainly not a sports bra. Of course real gymnasts wear the latest Victoria Secret number under thier leo....didn't you know? ;) (and I will clarify, I have seen some outrageous bra "situations" on some NCAA gals lately- but these are supposed to be Elite gymnasts). I just wish they would invest more time and money into getting Elite stunt doubles rather than college girls....however that might be difficult? Oh well, in sum- I'm still glad the show is back! :) xoxo -Holly-

  8. Spanny, you always have the best recaps! The first thing I thought of when the girls were dancing (and really, was there even dance music?) was "SLUT OFF!"

    In the make believe world that is MIOBI and the girls are actually around 17 years old, why would any of the much older male gymnasts even care about them? They are JAILBAIT! Dem men can get arrested for this.

    The pedometer...I mean ankle tracking device was stupid too. It looks like some sort of pedometer and how the hell does the entire audience know what it actually is? Was there an "ABC Afterschool Special" on this? I have never seen one (a real one) to this day, but I am pretty sure that it doesnt go around your ankle with velcro. Also, hasn't anyone heard of athletic TAPE to cover this up? Oh wait, that would be too believeable.

  9. I thought it was awesome that they were all wearing sneakers with their leotards. This was the biggest pile of crap ever, even for MIOBI.

  10. haha I too made that face especially at the 2018 Olympics and whooshing noises while flipping. And Emily running off during the show bc her sock slipped a little. horrors!!

  11. haha love you you're hilarious

  12. This show is stupid. I tried watching it at least once every season and it just makes me feel like I am wasting brain cells so I stop.

    I can't believe Greek gets cancelled and this shit stays on the air.

  13. OMG Spanny, this is the first review of yours I have ever read and I laughed my ass off! You're hilarious!

  14. Im officially a fan! Reading this makes watching MIOBI so much better.
    I haven't laughed so hard in a while, my roommates are starting to think im on crack:))

    B.T.Dubs I loved Paradise Hotel, to this day i don't know why but that was one of my favorite shows when it came out

  15. LOL. i watch this show , and i thought it was one of the worst by far. especially with those horrendous leos they wore. that is worse than anything the 90's leos cooked up.

  16. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.