once on a dare, i swallowed a thumbtack. and i'm about 90% sure it's still there.

Aren't you as excited as these three are?  You should be, because we've got another SUPER AWESOME episode of Make It or Break It for you!  Seriously.  SUPER awesome. 

Let us waste no time.  We begin with Kaylie in rehab, learning she has gained, *gulp*, three pounds.  Yeah, she's real thrilled about that.  If you'll recall, she's faking her recovery with the aid of Skinny Minny, her supermodel roommate.  I happen to love Skinny Minny, because she is one of the very few subtle, enjoyable characters on the show at the moment.  Isn't she supposed to be the bad influence?  That sucks, because I love her.  She commiserates with Kaylie, because Fashion Week is next month, and asks if she hears the thunder, because it's her thighs.  The boring recovery leader babbles on about how "Art therapy is a way to express oneself authentically and spontaneously," to which Skinny Minny whispers to Kaylie, "So is purging." 

Don't pretend you didn't laugh.  I know I did.  The girls BS some analysis of their "art therapy" doodles, and Kaylie continues her education from Skinny Minny on how to fool those stupid counselors.

Back at the Rock, we see the few real gymnasts throwing some random skills around the gym.  Oh yes, everything is random because after Sasha's departure, there is no coach at the Rock.  In the interim,  Payson has assumed the role of head coach, and seems to get off on bossing little girls around.  She also bosses Emily and Lauren around, and leads their conditioning.  And by leads, I mean stands above them and barks orders.  She's not actually doing conditioning with them, which... girl, cmon.  You need conditioning.  Sit down and do a sit up or two.  Alas, she cannot, because she's off to help some little girl with her roundoff.

Lauren hates this shit, because she hates anything that doesn't service her personally, so naturally she's whining about Payson's leadership abilities.  But it doesn't matter anymore, because Daddy bought her, I mean the gym, a brand NEW coach!

Darby Conrad, heretofore referred to as Fake Dawes, is a hip, young two-time Olympian (So stupid.  Dawes went THREE times, assholes.)  Daddy hired her due to all the "qualified" coaches already being on contract to other gyms.  Oh, also because Fake Dawes was Lauren's big sister or some such at gymnastics camp, so they already know each other and are super tight.  Whatever makes that poor Lauren's life easier. 

Payson's pissed, because she knows that this is some dumb shit.  Fake Dawes walks into the gym, and she and Lauren have one of those really annoying, high-pitched, squealy reunions.  Daddy and Lauren then parade their new coach to the middle of the gym, where she can give an opening speech about how awesome everyone is, and how amazing this is, and how empowered all women should be. 

She lets the group know that she's too cool too impose any rules, like in-times or dating.  The girls are just such powerful goddesses, and should be able to make those decisions themselves.  Summer becomes a tad ruffled, because we all know how much she hates the idea of teenage girls dating and having any sort of control over their lives.  But THEN, Fake Dawes finishes her speech with a calm "Namaste."  Summer is PISSED.  Because she, like the rest of us, knows that namaste yoga crap is basically voodoo for saying "I pray to something/someone else other than God."  HAIL TO THE NO. 

In the office, Summer and Daddy remind Fake Dawes that this gym lives by rules, and by oppression.  Fake Dawes says eff you, as Summer and Daddy take turns rolling their eyes. 

THIS NEXT CHUNK IS A SPOILER.  IF YOU ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO HASN'T READ THESE SPOILERS YET, DO NOT CONTINUE ON.  OR READ FOR THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO.

As most of us have read, SOMEONE in this cast gets knocked up.  Whoever could it be?  Lauren, the raging slut who has never seen one consequence result from her actions?  Payson, who tried to hook up with her coach?  Or Emily, the emo, depressed teenager who would do anything to just make all the pain go away?  Wonder no longer. 

Are they even trying to hide her baby bump?  Either that, or she has terrible posture.  Lauren must not notice her belly, because she gives Emily a hard time about not putting out for Damon.  Girl, I would not either.  The kid looks like a hobbit.  Emily explains it away by reminding us, AGAIN, that Damon is in Los Angeles to record an album.  We get it.  Your boyfriend's in LA trying to make it big.  The good news is, even though she doesn't get to hook up with her starving artist boyfriend, at least her parole officer dropped her house arrest.  That, plus the Rock no longer having any rules, means PAR-TAY!  Lauren reminds Emily that Damon's not going to sit and be her emotional crutch forever, and that she'd better put out ASAP.  Message received. 

Fake Dawes joins the cool group, because she's just so young and hip.  Lauren tries to convince her new coach/BFF that she's actually the team captain, and as such, she'd like to make a few changes around the gym.  Such as changing the gym colors to pink and purple.  Um, bitch, have you not HEARD of Nastia Liukin?  I don't think she'd be down with you creating a pink gym, that's all I'm saying.  Payson and Lauren squabble about who the actual team captain is, until Fake Dawes decides that the girls will compete for the title. 

OMG, Emily finds out that Damon is back in Boulder.  Couldn't hack it in LA, huh?  Payson responds with one of her patented creepy smiles. 

Emily's thrilled, since she can now go bone her boyfriend without getting arrested or breaking any rules.  I'm a little fuzzy on ages here, but I'm pretty sure HE can still be arrested, so just something to think about, Em. 

It's the end of workout, but Fake Dawes is putting on some grips, and about to show off on UB.  She doesn't show much, aside from some bent-arm giants and a toe-on front dismount.  It's funny watching the guest stars try to fake the skills, because we've grown so accustomed to our lead cast faking their skills.  You almost take their ability to fake a glide swing for granted, until you see someone who hasn't been on the show for awhile try. 

Lauren agrees, that's going to be a lovely glide.

 

Back at rehab, Kaylie pulls off a stellar performance and convinces her parents and counselors that she is on her path to recovery.  With such, she is allowed to go home, but only on the condition that she'll attend an out-patient treatment six days a week.  Which doesn't sit will with Kaylie, because, um, when is she going to train?  Everyone decides that it is in her best interest not to train for awhile, which naturally, Kaylie freaks at.    

Ugh, time for some more Emily-Damon crap.  They're at the Spruce-Moose, or whatever it's called, having juices and discussing how much they love each other and how awesome it is that Emily is now allowed hang out and bang Damon.  

Fake Dawes is apparently staying with the Tanners, which is weird.  FD comes in to say thanks to Lauren for letting her stay, as if it's Lauren's house and Lauren hired her.  No wonder she feels so entitled.  Lauren takes this opportunity to tell Fake Dawes that Payson hates her and thinks she's a lousy coach. 

Out in the living room, Summer and Daddy have some wine, and wonder who leaked the picture of Payson kissing Sasha.  They have a lover's quarrel about Sasha, and end up making their relationship official.  They tell Lauren, who is thrilled that she'll finally have a mom. 

Damon is so creepy, I can't even stand it.  I've decided, he is from now on referred to as Demon. 

The lovebirds look up at some fake stars, and talk about wishes.  Except neither of them have any, because all they want is to be together and in love, which they are.  Emily, being the cold bitch that she is, ups and runs before they can get to any good stuff. 

Emily comes home, only to find that asshole NGO guy sitting on her couch.  Now, given how dolled up Chloe was, and how smarmy this guy looked, I was kind of hoping that maybe Chloe had persuaded him, if you will, to keep Emily on the national team.  You know what I mean.  Unfortunately, that was not the case, and now the asshole NGO guy wants Emily to sign a contract saying she'll continue to be a loser and never get a life.  That's the only way she'll prove that she can be a successful gymnast, is if she doesn't break all of those RULES and complies.  

The first stipulation is that Emily WON'T WORK.  Nothing is worse than a teenage girl having a part time job.  NOTHING.  Chloe busts out another one of the best bitchfaces in the game. 

No time for all that, we have to get to the Rock, and compete for the title of TEAM CAPTAIN!  But not before we warm up with a little yoga, led by Fake Dawes herself.

Despite being centered, Emily's having a meltdown because she has to abide by rules again.  Payson shuts her down, and congratulates her on following the same rules everyone else has been following all along.  Normally such a response would provoke one of those constipated worry faces from Emily, but she gets over it right away, and tells Payson she just HAS to beat Lauren.  Payson tells Emily not to sweat it, because she is SO motivated. 

See that motivated face?  I know I'm convinced.   

Before we can enjoy this meet, we first must jump back to the Cruz household, where Mama Cruz is marching Kaylie down to her in-home recording studio, in an attempt to get Kaylie into singing as a new hobby.  It's obviously a shrine to her own younger years, and Kaylie is not down with this idea at all.  

I'm pretty sure her mom is actually the Crypt-Keeper.  Kaylie continues to get more agitated that she's not allowed to train at the Rock, and begs her dad to let her go to the gym.  Papa Cruz repeats that they're just trying to help her get well, to which Kaylie responds by chucking the nearest object at one of her mother's wall plaques.  She's obviously quite well. 

Back at the Rock, we see Payson visualizing her vault.  What complex trickery, show editors!   

Here's where things get fun, and all Make It or Break It-y.  You'll notice in her visualized vault, her double does a handspring front with a half twist, so that she ends up facing the vault.  Lovely vault.  When Payson competes, however, we see her double do a handspring front, very obviously without the twist, therefore facing away from the table.  So imagine my surprise when Payson sticks her vault facing the vault.  This is the fine work from Make It or Break It that we have grown to love. 

Lauren follows with a full twisting yurchenko ("Chenko", as Payson would say) that is full of whoosh-whoosh noises, but not before some dialogue about showing Payson some "power moves."  Oh yes, Payson is now exclusively an artistic gymnast, and not a power gymnast.  Because you cannot be both. 

Lauren is up on UB, with a forgettable routine, sans a nice piked jaeger.  But she nails her dismount, so Payson decides that in order to follow such a "powerful" routine, she'll need to do the... wait for it.... shaposhnikova.  Egads!  Emily reminds her that she hasn't performed the "power move" (??????) since she broke her back on it at Nationals, but Payson doesn't give a shit.  She's in it to win it. 

The entire Shap business would be laughable enough on its own, but Emily has to go and make it even better by gulping with a "Here it comes..." not before the transition move, but before the dismount, which is a double twisting flyaway.  Good try there, editors. 

Lauren's all whatever, don't you forget I'm queen of the beam, which I would be too, if I got to compete on

BIG BETTY BEAMS

That ain't no four inches wide!!  What would Tim Daggett say?  That's the widest beam I've ever seen.  We used to call these Big Betty beams back in my day, and we weren't even allowed to go on them.  So why the girls are working out and competing on them is beyond me. 

In an attempt to scare Lauren, Payson mentions that she has a double arabian dismount now.  Lauren calls BS, because, um, that's a power move.  And Payson does NOT do power moves.  Nevertheless, Lauren lets Payson know that she'll be doing a tuck full mount, so suck on THAT. 

Emily and Payson worry that such a mount will pretty much kill her, so they beg her not to do it.  Payson even offers to concede the title to Lauren, but Lauren does not accept.  She wants to win by showing off all of her hot moves.  She starts by nailing the mount, and then proceeds to flick a few wrists before launching into a BHS LOSO LOSO LOSO <3<3<3<3.  Not hearting the wrist flicks, but the pass. 

Too bad that she misses a foot on her last LOSO, and in a result FUCKING SPLATS onto the mats. 

Jesus, even Kerri Strug never splatted so hard.  Get yourself together.  She does not finish the routine, she just gets up and walks away. 

Payson follows with a short, boring routine, featuring a nice RO LOSO, a couple of leaps that we can't see, and a front full dismount.  It was a clean, if not a great L8 routine. 

Fake Dawes, who has been overseeing this little "meet," decides that in order to empower everyone, that the girls will be co-captains.  Lauren immediate flies into bitch mode, and stomps off. 

Back at Moose-Juice, Emily relays all of the new gym gossip to Kaylie, who then has to listen to Emily whine ON and ON about Demon.  Kaylie, being the normal, rational girl tries to convince Emily that maybe she should hold off on hooking up with the creep.  Ever the classy lady, Emily responds with "I love him!" to which Kaylie answers with a covered up chortle, which is what I do throughout most of this show.  

But because Kayie's cool like that, she listens to Emily, and then offers to help Demon out with a recording studio.  He can just use the one in her house.  That way, she can just hang out down there with him, and her parents will think she's partaking in some "art therapy." 

Lauren, still raging from not being given the sole team captain position, stomps up to Daddy and bitches him out.  He explains that he didn't buy HER a coach, she's a coach for the whole gym.  Lauren, ever the ungrateful little bitch, cries and threatens to tell everyone what she did, which of course was leak the Payson-Sasha pictures to that hoe Ellen Beals.  Lauren then sums up her entire existence by moaning

"You owe me everything, and I owe you NOTHING!" 

I hate that bitch so much.  Meanwhile, Kaylie shows Demon around her studio, and is all cool and awesome, while his girlfriend Emily is all stupid and lame.  I'm excited to see where this goes. 

Finally, Emily shows up at Demon's, who I'm assuming lives on top of a rave or something, because why are there flashing pink and purple lights?  Does Nastia know about this?  She runs over to his bed, and tells Demon that she is ready to hit the sheets, rules be damned.  Oh, and also that they can't date anymore, because that asshole NGO guy made her sign some contract.  Demon doesn't give a fuck, he gets ready to bone her anyway. 

And that, friends, is where my favorite weekly drama leaves us.  Whoever knows what we might find next week?  Bigger beams, bigger bellies?  The sky's the limit!