A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

honey badger i am lactating with rage!

Has it already been another week?  It has, which means only one thing.  It's recap time, motherfuckers.

We start our week out at the park that looks like the one over on Coldwater Canyon.  Payson and the New Guy are going for a jog, you know, since they're such good pals now and all.  Payson tries to out-jock him in a race, but really, she just cheats and takes a shortcut to the bench picnic tables.

The duo is joined by a roughed up young mut, who they obviously fall in love with immediately.  This is exactly like the Brady Bunch.  When all else fails, add a really cute dog to the mix.

Without any tags or ID chips, the couple takes it upon themselves to figure out where this cute little monster came from.

At the Rock, Payson's mom rolls up to see this huge tour bus parked smack in the middle of the parking lot.  A tour bus that happens to be the office/home to Kelly Parker, and her mom/manager, heretofore referred to as Peggy Hill. 

AS IF.  Mary Lou never even had her own tour bus.  Have you seen the behind-the-scenes photos of the Mag 7 during their tour?  They were practically sleeping on top of each other.  Vanessa Ferarri was world champion.  Does she have her own bus?

Peggy Hill is busy hanging huge banners announcing the presence of her bratty daughter, former world champion Kelly Parker.  Payson's mom just about has a stroke, because everyone knows SHE runs this gym.  Not this new Peggy Hill bitch.  She runs to go tattle to Sasha, but he's actually totally cool with it.  He mumbles something about a left hook, or some such boxing reference.

Wait, is Peggy Hill Jewish?  Which means Kelly Parker is chosen???  Well, now she has to win Worlds.  I knew I liked her.

Payson and the New Guy try to figure out what to do about their new puppy.  They know better than to bring him into the gym, or else Sasha will flip his shit.  I'm pretty sure that dog will end up in that gym before the day is done.

Inside the gym, Kelly Parker is trying valiantly to get some cat leaps around.  Such a good try, honey.  Really... A+ for effort. 

While Kelly Parker is actually working out, Kaylie and Lauren just stand around shit-talking her.  That is, until she takes a break from her splendid cat leaps, so that she can come over and psych out the girls.  She reminds Lauren that a new slut is in town, and that she's been getting with Carter on the regular.  Lauren doesn't give a shit, because she's with the New Guy now.  Officially.

Given this little proclamation, she feels pretty stupid when the New Guy and Payson enter the room, in the midst of canoodling.  In real life, they're just discussing more cute dog stuff, but it sure looks like they're being all lovey dovey.

Sasha calls his bitches over to the mat.  There, he tells them that only after a mock meet will he choose the final competitor for Worlds.  So I'm guessing this is the Make It or Break It version of death camp?  Maybe Junior will break her leg on an illusion.  We'll just have to wait and see.  Until then, she and Kelly Parker give each other a really weak high five.  Here's a hint ladies: stare at the elbows.  You'll connect hands every time.

The Rock girls lament the chances of Junior being named to the team.  Probably because she's under-aged, which would lead to the US federation getting sanctioned and then probably banned from the Olympics, ala North Korea.  But also because Kelly Parker would be named captain, and we just can't have that!

Speaking of Kelly Parker (I can't call her KP, because that's what we called Kitchen Patrol at camp, and it reminds me of doing dirty dishes,) she's in the viewing room with Peggy Hill, shit-talking Kaylie.  Peggy Hill is worried about Kaylie's presence on the team, because with her astounding beauty, charm, and talent, she simply outshines the ratty, plain Kelly Parker.  They're both worried that Kaylie will snag all of the lucrative endorsements, leaving precious little for Kelly Parker and Peggy Hill.

Kelly Parker tries to convince her mother that since Kaylie just the other day came back from a 6 week "ACL tear," that there's no way she'll be ready in time to compete all around at death camp.  Peggy Hill doesn't give a shit, because she's not stupid and knows that if given the chance, Sasha will pick one of his own girls.  She wisely points out that Kelly Parker is an old, washed up load, and therefore not exactly marketable anymore.  God, I love you, Peggy Hill.  She is just DELICIOUS in this role.  That's the only way I can describe her. 

Meanwhile, Lauren saunters over to the chalk bucket, in order to have a little chat with the New Guy.  He asks her what's going on with Payson, and he reminds her that they're just friends.  Lauren then takes her nasty, chalked up finger nails, and touches the New Guy's nasty, chalked up fingernails.

GROOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Those of us who have had chalk on our hands know that it feels disgusting to touch anything at all.  So the idea, the CONCEPT of touching someone else's hands, both while chalky, in an attempt to be sexy is absolutely horrendous.  I can't even handle this. 

I missed the rest of the scene, because I had to go wash my hands.  But we return to Kaylie, striking a lovely pose on the beam.

Now that's some carriage, if I've ever seen it.  Kelly Parker takes it upon herself to talk Kaylie through her routine, which of course means psyching her out.  She reminds Kaylie that it will be super hard to get competition-ready on all four events.  Good thing she gets to compete on the super jumbo Big Betty beam!

Kaylie wraps up her routine by appearing to land her double full dismount, but it turns out she actually face-planted instead. 

Woof.  When these girls fall, they fall HARD.  Austin comes over, and consoles Kaylie.  She explains that she's just stressed, so Austin offers to stay late with her so they can bone so she can get some extra training in.  She brushes his offer off, and walks away.  Typical.

Payson and the New Guy are yet AGAIN yacking about this stupid dog.  I am already bored with the dog.  Even though their conversations are strictly dog-related, all Lauren sees is the two of them spending time together, so she sets out to ruin it.  In her mind, what will solve her problem is to make Payson question whether or not her dad is having an affair in Minnesota (woot!)

And that solves your problem how, exactly?  It doesn't matter, Lauren seems pretty happy with herself.

Over at the world's worst strip club, Bodacious Boulders (why do I have a BB theme song stuck in my head?  I made it up myself.  It kind of has the same hook as the In Living Color theme song,) we see two of the most covered up strippers I have ever seen.  How many strip clubs have their girls wear robes while dancing?

I would ask for my money back.  Luckily, there are some weird ass patrons who decide to visit the strip club during the day.  So, being the awesome, talented, and pert bartender that she is, Bitchface Chloe delivers some scotch to the miserable daytime patrons.  But who would visit such an establishment at like, 4pm on a weekday?  Why, it's Payson's dad!  Dun dun DUNNNNNN

He stares at Bitchface Chloe's jugs while she sets down his drink.  The two have that awkward "Hey... I know you" sort of recognition moment that I have had one too many times in my lifetime.  He races home just in time for dinner after the strip club.  What, no buffet?  The folks tell Payson to beat it, and to go find her sister.  You know, the one who has been missing for like a year.  But guess what.  I found her.  She's over in the movie Bridesmaids, being fucking HILARIOUS!  Who knew?!  She actually holds her own against my very favorite actress/comedian/person at the moment, one Miss Kristen Wiig.  Well done, Becka who we'll probably never see again on this show.  Well done.

Payson's parents have a downer conversation, where it's revealed that Payson's dad was let go from his job in Minnesota (woot!) and is looking for a job in Boulder.  Which somehow explains why he was at the strip club staring at Bitchface Chloe's jugs in the middle of the day.  Seems his potential boss likes to party, and wants his employees to indulge as well.  Makes enough sense to me.  Payson's mom tries to throw herself a pity party because she's married to an unemployed yokel, but he informs her that someone has it even harder than they do: Bitchface Chloe.  You know, the one who was poor to start with, but supported her horrible slutty daughter in the pursuit of her dream, only to watch her throw it all away by spreading her legs for the first boy who paid her a lick of attention.  AND she also supports her handi-capable son who, like the hilarious Becka, has not been seen or heard from in some odd months.  Now there's a real woman.

Back at the gym, Austin literally, not figuratively, but literally moseys over to Sasha to ask him if he can stay late to train Kaylie.  I've seen that awkward bounce before.  It's the walk that guy actors do when they're trying to play "cool and confident."  You know, sometimes I can't tell if I really miss my theatre school years, or seriously regret them. 

Austin reminds Sasha that he'll have to avoid looking like he's giving Kaylie preferential treatment by giving her the extra attention that she needs.  He also tells Sasha that he knows about her anorexia, which apparently makes it all OK, because Sasha agrees to even more late-night training sessions.  But he warns the cocky athlete: no surprises.

It's almost bedtime, but that doesn't keep the New Guy from showing up at Payson's door.  She meets him outside, so they can talk about the dog some more.  I am so bored with this dog plotline, but damned if she's not super cute.

Back at the Rock, Kaylie is working out on FX.  She throws a 2.5, and once again face-plants.

Ooh, they've got all of the good extras in the background.  Is that Jordan Schweikert with the flexibility bomb on beam?  And I'm digging the great handstand in the back there. 

Austin tells Kaylie that he cleared it with Sasha, and that he's OK with the two of them training one on one.  Kaylie is somehow offended by this, and says a bunch of tasteless stuff about Austin's sister before walking away.  Kelly Parker, ever the eavesdropper, takes this opportunity to waltz on over and tell Austin to convince Kaylie to bow out now, before she embarrasses herself.  He tells her to shut her face, and go back to shacking up with her little minion, Junior.  Bitchfaces all around.

In the parent's viewing room, Lauren is talking Daddy's ear off about the wedding.  Why hasn't Summer picked a date yet?  Um, maybe because she wants to get naked with Sasha?  Just a thought.  When who should enter the gym but the LOVELY Bitchface Chloe!  Be still my heart.  She walks into the office to have a chat with that frigid bitch, Summer.

Being the classy woman that she is, Bitchface Chloe offers to pay off whatever she might owe for Emily's dues.  Summer gives her a half-assed "No, that's not necessary," but Bitchface Chloe is a woman of pride, and insists anyway.  She knows Summer judges the hell out of her, and tells her so.

Summer says she's so proud of Emily for deciding to keep the baby.  But Bitchface Chloe isn't.  OH HAIL NO.  Here come the pipe bombs.

Bitchface Chloe ignores the death stare, and reiterates that she tried as a mother.  She really tried.  As she leaves, she tells Summer that her engagement ring is beautiful.  Classy classy classy. 

Payson and the New Guy discuss going to the park for a run with their new puppy after the gym.  Lauren gets a whiff of this, and sets out to invade their plans.

Austin is busy working out his frustrations by rocking back and forth on the pommel horse.  Kaylie comes over to apologize, which Austin graciously accepts before telling her that he has a plan.  Instead of competing on all four events, Kaylie is just going to specialize on one event.  Since Emily's departure left a huge gaping hole in the vault lineup (her 1.5Y will be missed,) it would be wise for Kaylie to focus on stealing that vault spot.  But vault is Kaylie's WORST event.  Never fear though.  I'm sure two days of training will really solve that problem. 

Payson and the New Guy are back at it, this time posting Lost and Found signs up for their new puppy.  He keeps on harassing her about being friends with benefits, a proposition every girl just LOVES to receive.  Because she's not a trashy ho, Payson tells the New Guy that if all he's looking for is a little buttered muffin, then he might as well go try Lauren.

At the gym, Austin is helping Kaylie with her vault.  Has she been wearing the same leotard for like three days now?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I actually like that leo a lot.  But that's pretty disgusting.  Maybe it's her lucky leotard, because in one day, she has already upgraded from a FTY to a DTY, which is pretty remarkable.  It's good, but not good enough.  What she really needs is an Amanar.  Which she could totally get with just one additional day of training.  This is really going to happen, isn't it?

Meanwhile, Payson and the New Guy are attempting to sneak the dog into the gym, since they have nowhere else for her to stay for the day.  The New Guy attempts to bring her upstairs without anyone noticing.

A fool proof plan.  At home, Payson's parents talk about money, and other boring stuff.  Payson's none the wiser, because she's too busy policing Kaylie's workouts at the Rock.  She mentions to Kaylie that she's spent an awful lot of time at vault, as if she wasn't aware.  Then she drops that Junior just got a RO-LO-LO mount on beam.  Interesting?  I guess.  All the same, it freaks Kaylie out.  Payson walks over to the water cooler, maybe because water bottles are banned at the Rock?  I've never been to a gym without bottles scattered everywhere.  The New Guy runs up to her, explaining that he had to move the puppy to a new location.  All Lauren sees that these two are yet again having an intimate conversation, and she looks pissed.  Unfortunately, Kelly Parker also sees this, and rubs it in Lauren's face.  She also gives Lauren a very wise piece of advice.  Don't put out so soon, ho.  That was the gist of it.

Something about this clicks with Lauren, so she approaches the New Guy and pretends that she's not all slutty by challenging him to a game of basketball.

He accepts, right before the puppy, who escaped her cage, runs out into the gym floor.  Sasha demands to know who this adorable puppy belongs to, and both Payson and the New Guy claim it as theirs, which sends Lauren into a tizzy.  Her line legit made me laugh.

At home, Payson tries to convince her miserable parents to let her keep the dog.  They're super worried about money, so they say no, and admonish her for even asking.  While she's upset about losing her new dog, the New Guy is meeting up with Lauren at what appears to be an abandoned barn that has been outfitted with spotlights for a little one-on-one basketball.  She shows up in this number.

OMG, why don't the shorts match the shirt??  That's going to drive me nuts.  Cute shoes though.  The New Guy makes some corny joke about being shirts or skins, and while she manages to keep her raging sluttiness in check, Lauren tells him she'll be shirts.  So he takes off his.

He should probably just walk around like this for the rest of the show.  Turns out, Lauren's actually really good at basketball.  Underneath what looks like disco lighting, the two flirt and sweat all over each other while the New Guy misses a phone call from Payson.

At the Rock, Austin is still working with Kaylie on her vault.  In what can only be described as Make It or Break It magic, we see Kaylie landing her vault facing one way, and then sitting it down facing a whole other direction.

She keeps at it though, and despite developing some serious Mustafina legs, she gets the vault around.  We know this because it appears to have been caught on the security camera?  That's my best guess.

Joining in on the "training after hours with no coaches or spotters" trend are adult baby Kelly Parker and real baby Junior.

In this shot you can see not only how much Junior resembles Mustafina, but also how FUCKING HUGE that beam is compared to the real beam. 

The following day, we're once again in the parent's veiwing room, where Peggy Hill is again lecturing Kelly Parker about the threat that Kaylie presents to their endorsement opportunities.  Kelly Parker tells her mother that Kaylie has spent the last two days doing nothing but attempting Amanar vaults, which when she says it, it DOES sound pretty ridiculous.  The two rest assured knowing that Kaylie won't make the team, and Junior will. 

The time for the death camp mock meet has come, and first up is Junior.  She mounts the gigantic Big Betty beam with a RO-LO-LO, which she sticks easily, because it's a huge ass beam.  She then goes into some sort of side aerial-aerial pass, which sounds great in theory, but doesn't really work as a connection in reality.  But A for effort.

She follows up with a split leap, where we can really see either a) how skinny she is or b) how BIG THAT FUCKING BEAM IS.  She wraps it up with a gainer full off of the end.  It is hilarious to see how her foot takes up a mere half of the beam, maybe even like a third. 

Because girls like to just jump from event to event at the Rock, next up is the random extra on vault.  And what a vault she does!  A GINORMOUS RO-1/2 on handspring.  That's it.  Just a handspring.

That said, she does her handspring with lovely form.  Team Russia, take note.  Junior is up on bars, and does a jaeger before her full out dismount.  Only after the other girls have done several events does Sasha ask Kaylie to do even one.  She tells him that she won't be doing bars, beam or floor.  Sasha is not amused.  But she butters him up by telling him that she decided to take this risk, because it was what Sasha would do.  WWSBD?  Everyone is pretty confused by this point, especially the girl in the background.

In a massive and lengthy whoosh-whoosh moment, Kaylie spins in the air for an hour, and then lands her Amanar.  Perfectly.  Jordan Schweikert and random extra are stunned.

But the other girls are thrilled.  Hooray!

I would be too, if I had just witnessed someone previously capable of only a FTY miraculously learn an Amanar in two days.

Here come the bitchfaces.  Junior is PISSED.

So is Peggy Hill.  Adult baby Kelly Parker knows she's in trouble.

It is an impressive bitchface, but it's no Bitchface Chloe bitchface.  She's still #1 in my heart.

Sasha again calls his bitches to the mat.  Without further ado, he names Kaylie Cruz to the team.

At home, Payson's parents ruin the vibe by discussing their lack of money, and how they're sucking the life out of everything.  Saying no to the dog was the last straw.  It's time to buckle down, and stop being afraid of life.

Bitchface Puppy.

Back at the Rock, Peggy Hill is having a meltdown over Kaylie making the team.  She reveals that Kelly Parker is only 16, which leaves me confused as to how she could have won a world championships previously.  Now the US will be sanctioned twice, damnit.  The two plot against Kaylie, deciding that outing her anorexia is the only way to deal with her once and for all.  Kelly Parker isn't stupid though, and knows that no one is going to take her word for it.  Peggy Hill tells her she'd better get some fucking proof then.  Or else, sigh, she just might have to drop her as her client.  She stomps onto the bus, and either has a driver waiting, or she drove that bitch herself.  I prefer the latter.

Kelly Parker runs back to the Rock in tears, but is stopped by Kaylie, who is trying to be genuinely nice and comfort her.  She spews some therapy bullshit, blaming the sport for crazy ass gym/stage moms.  Dude, it's not the sport that creates these monsters.  It's people with unfulfilled dreams who want to live vicariously through their children.

The New Guy stops over by Payson's to say goodbye to the puppy.  But PSYCH, Payson gets to keep the puppy after all!  I told you, this is just like Tiger in the Brady Bunch.  Payson suggests going for a family run, but the New Guy tells her he has a date with Lauren.  They have an awkward friends moment, and after he leaves, Payson leans against the wall and sighs.  Slutty Lauren wins again.

In an act of kindness, Kaylie invites Kelly Parker over to her house, even asking her to stay for dinner.   That seems super nice, but then she makes this totally backhanded dig at Kelly Parker for having no friends.  Ouchie.  So as Kaylie goes to tell her mother to set another plate at the table, Kelly Parker wanders aimlessly around the room.  She happens upon some pictures of the Rock girls, including that bitch Emily, and eventually finds Kaylie's journal.  She opens it up to find some freaky Sarah Palin shit, like drawings of Genji Cho in fucking crosshairs.  Jesus, girl.  Crosshairs??

Perhaps Kaylie also uses this book to practice her handwriting, because it is significantly better than when we saw it the first time.  This is what she wrote some odd weeks ago.

And here it is tonight.

Maybe they were supposed to have been written on different days, who knows.  All the same, Kelly Parker happens upon this shit, and is all like JACKPOT.

She grabs the book, stuffs it in her gym bag, and sits back down as if nothing happened.  End scene.

You know I hate to admit it, but this show really is getting better.  I mostly attribute this to having no Emily or Demon.  Plus, more Kelly Parker and the addition of Peggy Hill?  Now all I need is WAY more Bitchface Chloe, and I'd be set. 

I'm starting to have panic attacks, because I realize that next week is the season finale.  The show hasn't been picked up for a third season YET, but there is still time.  There is still hope.  I mean, this is the channel that airs Secret Life of a Teenage Prego, or some such shit.  There is absolutely room for this gem.  I know we rag on this series a lot, but it's not like we're swimming in gymnastics shows.  And the fact of the matter is, there isn't going to be another gymnastics-themed TV series around the corner.  Probably not ever.  So if this is all we can get, I'll take it.  And I'll like it. 

Until next weeks super-sized finale, maybe your Amanars be learned swiftly, and your faces be bitchy!


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  2. My Lord, two hours next week? How are you going to contain yourself, Spanny? :)P

  3. Well, now I want an Amanar!

    *runs outside, sets up cushions to vault height, practices for ten minutes*

    Sweet, I've got it. Now I just have to ask Valeri Liukin if I can be on the World's team this fall.

  4. Hahahahaha Kaylie learning an Amanar was so ridiculously unrealistic.

    I snorted with laughter at Kelly Parker's fugly attempt at dance at the beginning of the episode.

    Most definitely noticed how Kaylie ended up falling facing away from the vault when she landed facing it...such bad editing!

    Those beam were extremely obvious in this episode. They really need to hide them better!

  5. bitchface puppy... awesome!

  6. Please tell me that someone else noticed the shots from above of vault...there is no mat under the big betty beam!

  7. what i loved most, aside from kelly parker's awesome cheesetastic pose on the side of that bus, was realizing that kaylie's amanar is most likely some stunt double's beam dismount or standing full/1.5 off the horse. that arch does not lie, and kudos to a creative editing idea.

  8. hahaha that was my fave quote from glee this week as well!
    also, i keep forgetting to mention this- WHY THE FUCK in the title sequence does kaylie tap the high bar with her hands then fall down?!!!! it's so reminiscent of 'scratching' in Stick It! I'm guessing they did coz the actress playing kaylie couldn't swing forwards on the bar and they couldn't have a stunt double do it coz her face would be different to kaylie's but like... i know five year olds who can swing on a high bar

  9. great post. "Her line legit made me laugh." - ditto, i laughed out loud at lauren re: the dog comment. good stuff as usual.

  10. I've also wondered about the tapping of the bar in the opening, and my guess has always been that the cinematographer believed it looked exciting to make a bunch of chalk fly into the title.

    Tampson, you slay me.

  11. In the puppy running through the gym pic of Lauren/Sasha/Summer, the extra at the door in the leo looks 7 months pregnant are cradling the belly. WTF?

    Great recap as usual! Thanks for the laughs :o)

  12. I absolutely love this show and would be devastated if they cancelled it. I think the ratings are pretty good though (not that those mean anything). I wouldn't be surprised if they do end up cancelling, because ABC is known for not giving TV series enough time to develop a fan base.

  13. i'm not going to lie, i look forward to these recaps as much as the show itself. also, i'm impressed the extra did a handspring (snort), but when i first saw i just saw the end and thought it was a half on half off...so handspring is along the right lines at least, haha.

  14. Just getting around to wasting the required 45 minutes of my life watching this. WHY THE FUCK do they keep saying "all four apparatuses"? If one more person says "apparatuses" I WILL send them to gymnastics terminology bootcamp. Rawr.

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