A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

they're hideous. my kids are at least attractive. yours look like they haven't been baked properly.

Guys, I am in depression mode.  Make It or Break It is over for the season.  And is it over for good?  I don't even know.  All I know is that I need this nightmare in my life.

But what a sendoff it was!  Let's start with the first hour of our spectacular finale, shall we?

Our epic evening begins in the Rock parking lot, which is the only feasible place for a team photo shoot.  The girls give cheeky smiles while bitching each others ears off.  Lauren is trying to brag about the send off party that she's throwing, but adult baby Kelly Parker doesn't give a shit about it.  Not that she's invited or anything.  Kaylie reminds Kelly Parker that she's part of the team now, but AB KP makes it clear that team means very little to her, when the AA gold is where all the big bucks are at.  At this very moment, of course, the photo shoot director asks Kelly Parker to move on back so that Kaylie can be front and center.  She is the current national champion, after all.

Peggy Hills gets a whiff of this, and begins to berate everyone accordingly.  She also takes a moment to tell that NGO asshole about Kaylie's anorexia.

He's pretty nonplussed, because the NGO is suddenly all righteous and awesome and doesn't listen to rumors.  As a witness to this snatchiness, Payson's dad asks who that horrible woman is.  Payson's mom and Summer explain that it's just Peggy Hill: Kelly Parker's horrible bitch mom/manager.  They all bond knowing they would NEVER sell their daughters out like that.  Never.

The girls are still flapping their gums, this time about how they all know Fake Musty and Genji Cho are going to kick their asses anyway.  Lauren reiterates the whole "team means shit" theme because all she cares about is medaling on beam, which Sasha totally thinks she can do.  He gives her all sorts of special attention now, which of course will feed mightily into her obvious daddy issues.  She takes a moment to cling on to her coach inappropriately.

Press Day continues inside of the Rock, where Payson is painfully attempting to film a small promo in Portuguese.  

She sucks at it, and no one is pretending otherwise.  Even the semi-attractive cameraman is not amused.

Finally, they just let the dumb girl say it in English.  Meanwhile, Peggy Hill confronts her daughter, and blames her when she finds out that Kaylie got the Healthy Bar endorsement.  As she sees it, Kelly Parker let Kaylie beat her at Nationals, so she is to blame for this whole mess.

However, since Kelly Parker is almost becoming kind of human, she's conflicted about trying to sabotage Kaylie's career.  She tries to calm her mother down, but she's not having it.  Kelly is called up to shoot her promo, but first goes to her gym bag, which happens to be holding Kaylie's journal.  She stares at it, debates, and then stuffs it back in there.

I just want to say that in this, oh, 60 seconds or so, adult baby Kelly Parker has shown more character development than Emily Kmetko has in the past two seasons.  Brava!

Kelly Parker jumps up to do her spot, and of course knocks it out of the park.  She finishes with the kind of smile that a kindergartener has on her first day of school.

Adult baby.  Up in the Rock office, the NGO asshole hands the unedited Sasha-Payson DVD over to Payson's mom.  He explains that it will completely exonerate Sasha from any wrongdoing.  Payson's mom tells the NGO asshole that she and Payson's dad won't be able to afford the trip to worlds, and while he seems genuinely sorry for them, Summer doesn't give two shits about their financial problems.  She just wants to know who tried to fuck with Sasha's career.  Both women try their best to come across as threatening, because they're both just so mad about the DVD, but that really fails.  The only thing scary about Summer is her eyebrows.

In the gym, Sasha is actually coaching the girls, for a change.  He works with Lauren on beam, while she wears the same leotard that everyone's been sporting for the past few weeks or so.  Gross.  She starts with a lovely Garrison mount, which awards her four billion points from Spanny Tampson's bank of awesomeness.  Wasn't she mounting with a split a few weeks back?  Now the full is a mount I can get on board with.  Then, as if someone had been reading my dream routine journal (which doesn't really exist... or does it?) she goes into her pass of BHS-LO-LO-LO!  I don't care that this pass is useless in today's code.  It's a real flight series, and I love it.  I always will.

I don't know who that is.  It's not Lauren, I know that much.  But I don't even care, because I love that pass so much.  She wraps up her awesome pass, and goes into all of her slutty butt-shelfy choreography.  Sasha puts the kabosh in that immediately.

He explains that she's looks like an idiot, and no one will take her seriously at Worlds.  He tells her to go into a ten second arabesque, which she does.

Meh, I've seen worse.  Kaylie and Payson decline to work out, and instead gossip about Lauren's being lobotomized on beam.  The New Guy comes over to flirt with Payson, which of course Lauren sees.

She holds onto her craziness though, and continues her routine.  She throws a side aerial, and works right into what they call a kick front flip (???) but really it's a Portocarrero.  Dear God, she lands on her ass hard.  But never fear, the beam is about two feet wide, so she easily hangs on.  Next, she throws a nice arabian, before going into her double back dismount, which I'm surprised this show has ever heard about.  I thought the only dismount available to the show was a double full.  Possibly a single with extra whoosh-whoosh noises.  Lauren eats it on her double back, and hurries over to Sasha to whine about not being good enough.  He asks her to trust him, because we haven't had a good awkward trust moment since Emily did a trust fall into her coach's arms last season.  Princess Inappropriate again clings onto her coach for dear life. 

Kaylie is taking her turn in front of the cameras, being all charming and speaking fluent Spanish with the reporters.  She talks about how her choice for team captain would be Kelly Parker, as she's had the most international experience.

While wearing what appears to be her micraphone pack under her leotard, all Kelly Parker hears is "Kelly Parker," so she runs over to the NGO asshole to translate.  She seems stunned to know that Kaylie is so classy, and not a huge crazy bitch like the rest of these hormonal teens.

After her interview, Kaylie is at home with her dad, while they speak to the reps from Healthy Bar about her potential endorsement.  They offer her 250k, which could lead to more if she medals at Worlds.  Kaylie and dad seem happy, until the reps pull out the Healthy Bar box, which looks like a box of tampons.

The reps go on about how Kaylie would be the perfect face for the product, since she is so super healthy, and there is NO way she would ever starve herself to reach her goals.  After their pitch, the reps escort themselves out, while Kaylie and her dad blame the sport of gymnastics for every issue in the world.  They rationalize that if anyone knew about her disorder, that she would be low-balled at Worlds.  So best to lie about it for a bit longer.

Over at Denver Elite, Peggy Hill and adult baby Kelly Parker are meeting with *gasp* that hoe Ellen Beals.

Peggy Hill is under the impression that Kaylie is stealing the endorsements that rightly belong to Kelly Parker, so she tattles to Beals about the eating disorder, as if she didn't already know.  They pretend that they're worried about Kaylie's ED sullying the good name of all American athletes, or some such shit.  They needn't pretend, however, because all Ellen Beals cares about is destroying her nemesis, Sasha Belov.  She's salty because everyone is blaming her for the edited video of Sasha and Payson.  She tells the Parkers to remain cool, and that she'll see them at the Tanners' send off party tonight.  Nevermind that none of them were invited.

While those evil bitches are plotting everyone's demise, Kaylie and Austin are at Bruce's Juice, discussing Kaylie's potential endorsement.  You can already tell that she wants nothing to do with it, because she doesn't want to lie to a boatload of people.  They are interrupted by Payson and the New Guy.  Payson is all grumpy because her parents can't afford to go to the biggest meet of her life.  She bemoans the loss of all of the potential endorsements she had before she broke her back at Nationals.  Aha!!  Kaylie has a brilliant plan.

Since Payson is the Comeback Kid and all, then why shouldn't SHE be the spokesperson for Healthy Tampons?  That, and she doesn't have an eating disorder or anything.  Payson appreciates the help, but she knows her parents won't let her accept any endorsements, lest she lose her NCAA eligibility.  Kaylie reminds her that this deal could be worth 500k, which would pay for college.  Creepy smiles all around!

The New Guy tells her to convince her parents, and let him worry about about convincing the Healthy Bar reps. 

The next day, the New Guy is at the Rock, taking pictures of Payson for his pitch to the ad reps.  Lauren is obviously bitter about this attention, and tells the New Guy as much.  Payson runs awkwardly into her double full.

She finishes with a very intense lunge.  Lauren is not impressed.

She then hops around to salute to the New Guy and the camera, which is oddly reminiscent of current Russian vaulting.

The New Guy walks away, so Lauren takes the opportunity to tell Payson to back the fuck off.  Payson tells Lauren that she knows the two of them aren't boning, because the New Guy told her so.

Lauren has a stroke, which paralyzes half of her face, and asks Payson why the hell would he tell her shit like that?  She explains it's probably because he wants to make sure Payson knows that Lauren is way more into it than he is.  She struts off, and Lauren makes grunty pouty faces. 

Over on vault, we see Kaylie bust ass down the runway into her slow-mo whoosh-whoosh Amanar vault that she learned in two days.  She sticks it, but only manages to travel about four inches away from the table.

Kelly Parker makes some small talk about the vault to Kaylie, before asking if she really meant it when Kaylie told the reporter that Kelly should be team captain.  Kaylie admits that she meant it, which Kelly has a hard time accepting, because the only people in her life are insane, evil bitches.  Kaylie invites the adult baby to be her +1 for Lauren's party that night, so that the rest of the girls can see that she's a totally normal girl.

After their workout, Kaylie heads home with the New Guy, so that they can pitch Payson so the Healthy Bar Tampon reps.  The New Guy shows them his demo, which features the shots he took of Payson, and a few more of her recovery from her injury.

I appreciate this leap, but it's weird.  It has zero value in gymnastics.  But the reps don't care.  After Payson slowly enters the room dressed as Laura Ingalls, no one says anything, while everyone just smiles creepily.  Turns out it worked, because next thing we see is Payson telling her parents that the reps are offering her 25k to be the face of Healthy Bar Tampons.  They'll give her an additional 250k if she medals at Worlds, which is a fraction of what Kaylie was offered, but who cares because that's some decent bank.  Her parents clearly don't think she'll medal at Worlds, because they don't want her to accept this endorsement at all.  She begs them to just keep an open mind, or else she'll throw a fit and quit gymnastics.  They agree to consider it.

Wrapping up at the Rock, Sasha is in the office, looking at the edited DVD that almost ruined his life.  Speaking of life-ruiners, Summer comes in and tries to make small talk.  In a total surprise, Summer gets all confrontational and bitchy about something.  Because there cannot be a Summer scene without it, the two have a discussion about her values.  Which is exactly why she could never be with Sasha, because he doesn't agree with her VALUES.  He respects them, but does not agree with them.

Bitch, there is a difference between beliefs and values.  So he doesn't believe the exact same shit you believe?!  I guess that makes him a bad person, and unworthy of your love.  Fine, good riddance.  For whatever reason, he still gets close to her, and they almost kiss.  Gross.

Next, we find ourselves inside of Kelly Parker's weird ass tour bus.  Aside from the mirrored ceilings, the walls are covered in pictures of various real life National team members, and then super creepy shots of Kelly Parker herself.

That one in the middle creeps me out so bad.  In the creepy gymnastics shrine, Peggy Hill warns Kelly Parker not to get too comfortable with her new "friends" at this party.  She still needs to focus on bringing down Kaylie, who is her competition.  Kelly Parker makes the mistake of arguing to Peggy Hill that Kaylie is also her teammate.  Peggy Hill lays on this glorious guilt trip, blaming Kelly for her parents' divorce, and everything else wrong in the world. 

As a result, Kelly Parker finally gives in, and tells her mom about the journal she stole from Kaylie.  Peggy Hill is THRILLED.  She immediately assumes that Kelly is now the Healthy Bar Tampon spokesperson, all because of this journal.  She then tells her daughter that she is so pretty, which would be nice, but then she takes credit for that too. 

That night, Payson and her folks show up to the Tanners' send off party.  Her parents race to the buffet, probably because they are so very poor and need to eat.  Lauren and Payson are shocked when Kaylie shows up with Kelly Parker in tow.  Kaylie explains to them that they are all teammates, so shut up and give her a tour.  Lauren grudgingly does so.  Austin shows up, and creates this wonderful little awkward moment between the three of them, where he and Payson are kind of dancing around Kaylie.

For what it's worth, this episode has had several witty moments and one-liners.  I'll take it.  Payson understands her cue to leave, and joins her parents over at the buffet.  The New Guy shows up and looks for Payson, but is dragged upstairs by that slut Lauren before he gets a chance to find her.  She brings him up to her "meditation room," which just so happens to have a bed and a bunch of lit candles.  They immediately go at it.

Downstairs, Daddy has a talk with that judgmental bitch, Summer, about getting married in Rio.  I do like her hair though.  I need to learn how to do that with my hair.  She says yes, and before we know it, we're back in the meditation room, watching these two horny teens make out.  The camera pans up Lauren's leg, which is just about the creepiest thing I have seen all day, second only to that whack-ass picture of Kelly Parker on the tour bus.

The New Guy pushes Lauren away, telling her that he's not ready to bone yet.  Lauren points out that he is, ahem, physically ready, if you know what I mean.  Then she flips out about Payson, and tells him to stop fucking with her head.  Fair enough.  She storms out of the room.

Downstairs, Payson's parents stuff their faces with free food, and further discuss accepting the Healthy Bar Tampon endorsement money.  Papa Cruz shows up, and reminds them that they gambled on their daughter's future the minute they decided to let her pursue elite level gymnastics.  That shut them up real quick.

Ellen Beals shows up to crash the party, which sends everyone in a tizzy.  Lauren freaks out to Daddy, because she knows that Ellen has the capability to tell everyone that she was the one who edited the Sasha-Payson video and sent it to the NGO.  He tells her to calm the fuck down, and to go mingle.

Summer sprints full blast over to Sasha to warn him that Ellen Beals is at the party.  He, like Daddy, doesn't give a shit, and tells Summer that the only thing he cares about is finding a drink.  Drinking is probably against her "values," so she stands there looking all butthurt and offended. 

After talking to her parents, Payson pulls the New Guy into a room to tell him that her parents made a decision about the Healthy Bar Tampon endorsement.  After fooling him, she gleefully tells him that they're going to let her take the money!  Hooray.  In her happiness, she tells the New Guy that she loves him, and that since he did something for her, she can totally be his girlfriend now.  Looking seriously confused, he doesn't immediately pounce on her, which Payson accepts as his turning her down.  She runs away in tears.

Lauren is pacing the party floor, looking for the New Guy.  Austin devilishly tells her that the New Guy went off with Payson, which provokes another series of grunty, pouty faces. 

Meanwhile, poor Kelly Parker has been standing by herself over by the wall for like five hours now.  She waves to Ellen Beals, and heads over in her direction.  She walks in super slow motion while clutching her purse, which carries Kaylie's journal.  But instead of heading over to talk to Ellen Beals, Kelly Parker approaches Kaylie instead.  She asks if the two of them can go outside to talk.

Daddy makes one of those big speeches that he loves to make, and tells the crowd that he and Summer will be tying the knot in Rio, and that they are all invited.  Lauren jumps on this moment, and tells everyone that after the wedding, Summer will become her new mommy, which is totally necessary for this 17 year old.  Sasha hears all of this, and storms out.

Outside, Kelly Parker tells Kaylie that it means a lot that she was invited to this party.  Kaylie tells her it's all cool, because they are teammates and friends, even.  Overcome with guilt, Kelly Parker gives Kaylie her stolen journal back.  She admits to taking it because it had all of the juicy anorexia details.

I just want to interrupt to say how much I liked this moment, especially with Kelly Parker.  The way she almost smiled, while tearing up and saying "because it's all about your being anorexic" with guilty shame in her eyes, that's some classy shit right there.  That kind of subtlety, in my opinion, is so much more effective than the fake break-down tears that we normally see in this show.  Then, as Kaylie chews her ass out, we see her continue to fight tears, instead of just bawling her face off, ala Lauren.  I don't even know what else to say about it, other than her reaction was the most realistic one of anyone on this whole show thus far.  I say replace that bitch Emily with Kelly Parker full time, stat.

Back inside, we see the New Guy drowning his sorrows with some of Daddy Tanner's 20 year old scotch, which he still manages to swig like it's a fucking silver bullet.  Austin finds him, and asks him what's up.  The New Guy explains that he just turned down two hot blondes who were throwing themselves all over him.  So why did he say no to both?  Austin grabs his hand to pull him off of the couch, and as he stands up, the New Guy lays a big wet one on him.

SCANDAL!  After my initial shock, I waited for Summer to storm into the room, her traditional values warning system in full alert mode.  But alas, she never showed.  Austin, however, is reasonably shocked.

Back on the dance floor, Ellen Beals approaches Summer, which is probably why Summer couldn't make it into the room to judge the New Guy.  Ellen tells Summer to ask her fiance who edited the Sasha-Payson video.  Cue the really high eyebrows from Summer.

Back in the room, Austin is desperately trying to figure out his buddy.  The New Guy explains that he is bisexual, which Austin has a hard time understanding, but he eventually accepts it.  The New Guy is stressing, because he knows that Payson will freak if she finds out that he's also attracted to boys.  Austin tries to calm him down, and offers to get him out of there.

But first, we need to see the brewing argument between judgmental bitch Summer and Daddy Tanner.  He finally admits that he knows who sent the video.  She has a meltdown, because Daddy promised never to lie to her about something that she has nothing to do with (see Lauren's mom backstory) ever again.

Could you lie to that face?  Summer demands to know who did this, and Lauren enters the scene in full out bawling mode, and admits that she was the one who sent the video.

They really shouldn't have aired this scene after Kelly Parker's.  It just makes Lauren seem extra inadequate.  You don't feel sorry for her, you just think that she's pathetic.  Summer agrees, and appears to be disgusting by the girl who is do desperate to have a new mother.

Now there's a judgmental face if I've ever seen one.  She asks Lauren if she has any awareness at all about how much pain she has caused.  Which, duh, of course she doesn't.  Why would she?  She has done terrible shit for two years now, and has never once been punished.  So, in an empty threat, Summer breaks it off with Steve, and tells Lauren that she wants nothing to do with her.  But never fear, Daddy will fix this.  I'm sure that in a day or two, Summer will be back in Lauren's manipulative arms.

The New Guy happens upon Lauren in her messed up state, so Lauren asks him to leave with her.  Since he's piss drunk, he agrees to it.

They drive away, and Lauren rants crazy about her mother forgiving her.  The New Guy is confused, since as far as he knew, her mom was dead.  When he asks her about it, she plays dumb, like she never had a mother before.  In her deranged state, she blows a stop sign, and then stops in the middle of the intersection.  Good idea.

They are of course smashed into by a huge car. 

Part Two tomorrow!  There is just too much goodness to deal with in one day, so the rest will have to wait.  Until tomorrow, may your smiles be creepy, and your faces be grunty!


  1. Laura Ingalls -- YES!

    This episode was 100x better without Emily and her mildly concerned faces.

    I look forward to Part 2!

  2. Down with Emily! Up with AB KP!

  3. Brilliant, as always. And might I suggest that Bitchface Chloe adopt AB KP? It's win-win.

    Also, I loved, "her traditional values warning system in full alert mode." *snort*

  4. Candace Cameron needs to stop it with the Botox already! Her best judgemental face is almost ruined by her frozen forehead and creepy high-arched eyebrows!

  5. hahahahahah "Healthy Tampons"!!!

  6. I only found your site just last week, but I have to thank you for being so awesome. I don't think I could handle it if the show is cancelled because I don't know which I would miss more: the actual show or your hilariously accurate recaps. Long live MIOBI! :)

  7. Don't forget the other BB dismount of gainer full!

  8. hahaha "healthy tampons." hilarious

  9. I'm making grunty faces right now in anticipation of part 2! Also the occasional woosh-woosh noise, just for shits and giggles.

  10. Can I just say that was my absolute favorite quote from Glee this week. Brilliant, as always

  11. i.love.you. end of story
    anyone else notice how the girls are supposed to speak spanish for their commercials but they speak Portuguese in brazil (where worlds are) ?

  12. Noooooo! You can't stop there!!!!!

  13. Hilarious as usual. This blog makes my week, every week. 1. you need to post more! 2. if make it or break it ends, you need to find something else to make fun of because you are hysterical

  14. `That night, Payson and her folks show up to the Tanners' send off party. Her parents race to the buffet, probably because they are so very poor and need to eat.`

    LMAO funniest thing I`ve read all week.

  15. So glad you like KP/Nicole Anderson! I've known Nic since she was 10 years old and it's amazing to see how far she's come. She actually used to be a competitive gymnast. Quit at level 7 because of chronic injuries.