A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

lord tubbington is allowed to eat cheese because he's on atkins.

Well, this was quite a week on Make It or Break It, was it not?  Let us jump right in.

We open with no frills, straight away to Emily getting her ultrasound.  At only 6 weeks, apparently she is one of the few women who can get an ultrasound the millisecond she finds out she's pregnant.  Most normal women, non-elite athletes, have to wait for weeks like shmoes.  But not our hero, the big-bellied Emily Kmetko.

I love how her stomach is already gigantic.  Andrea Zuckerman from 90210's hand totally gives it away that Kmetko is actually like a thousand weeks pregnant. 

Emily is desperately confused as to how she got knocked up, and Bitchface Chloe is horribly embarrassed by her daughter's stupidity.

Emily claims she, at a totally normal height and weight not just for gymnastics, but for humans, has only had one period in her whole entire life.  BULLSHIT.  Yes, there are super teeny tiny boylike gymnasts all over the world.  Emily is not one of them.  I mean, for crying out loud, her jugs are GIGANTIC in this episode!  She also appears to be about 25, and has since the pilot, so I really can't imagine that anyone is fooled here.  But whatever, all gymnasts are anorexic and 45 lbs and have no periods and are manipulated by their coaches. 

The scene is barely rescued by the dear, talented, and beautiful Bitchface Chloe.  She busts out one bitchface after another, each one more glorious than the last.  Also, she is, thus far, the only one who has the chops to be doing crying scenes in this series.

Maybe it's because I watched this and Glee back to back, but the vast difference in what we'll call the "emotional scenes" are painfully obvious.  In MIOBI, there are two emotions: happy, and break-down crying.  However, in Glee, there are characters who run the gamut of emotions.  You'll see characters on Glee trying NOT to cry, which can be as visual an emotion as crying.

The exception on this show, of course, is the brilliant Bitchface Chloe.  This scene is the first of many that she absolutely robs.  The show should be about her. 

Dr. Andrea Zuckerman gives Emily and Bitchface Chloe some pamphlets on the options, meaning of course, the Big Three: keeping the baby, adoption, or terminating the pregnancy.  Summer shockingly does not burst into the room with a pipe bomb.  Perhaps later. 

At the Rock, some girls are doing kips, and the other more shapely extras are just meandering around.

Sasha walks in, only to see this huge day show production going on, meant to interview the girls on their way to Worlds.  Meanwhile, the one real gymnast extra is on beam. 

Sasha asks Summer what the fuck is going on, and she plays all stupid, and has no idea why it might be a bad idea.  He explains that Emily will not be coming, and again, Summer doesn't seem to understand a word he is saying.  Emily breezes in late, as usual, and Sasha looks like he's about to have a stroke. 

The diminuative reporter pretty much only interviews Emily, and badgers her about totally choking in Hungary.  Emily attempts to act all charming and confident, and fools no one except for patented creepy smile Payson.

As Emily says she'll totes be ready for Worlds, Sasha looks like he's about to take off his shoe and throw it at her. 

Meanwhile, Kaylie and Demon are chumming it up in the Cryptkeeper's recording studio.  Demon is acting extra creepy, so Kaylie asks him what's up.  He informs her that the label loved their duet, and wants them to record it.

Back at the Rock, Sasha calls Emily into the office, chop chop.  She literally struts into the office, before turning around to sass Sasha like the punk ass kid that she is.

Sasha asks her what the fuck she's doing, and Emily snottily acts like nothing is happening.

Additionally, the poster seems to have been fixed.  Emily doesn't care, because she's too busy blowing off help from the many people who inexplicably want to help this young mess.  Even though he's known her since Day 1, Sasha is still for some reason shocked by Emily's disrespectful behavior.

Back at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie and Demon are singing their song AGAIN. 

They talk about feelings, blah blah blah, and eventually mention Emily.  Kaylie smiles hopefully as she asks if it's really over between the two of them.

But since Demon has realized that Emily is crazy, and that Kaylie is awesome, he's pretty much on Team Kaylie now.  She seems to dig it, but at the same time be horrified.

Finishing up at the Rock, Lauren and Daddy sit in the observation room, spying on Summer and Sasha.  They don't approve of the way that Summer is brazenly flirting with Sasha, so Lauren suggests that Daddy proposes yet again to Summer, and then does the "put a ring on it" dance.

Ok, so that was kind of cute.  The rest of the scene plummets downhill, as Lauren tries to be charming with her determination to manipulate every adult around her.  She then stares at Sasha's ass while he stares at Summer's ass. 

At home, Bitchface Chloe yet again tries to help out her insufferable daughter.  They discuss Emily's "options" while Emily makes shitty little brat faces.  They have a realistic discussion about ending the pregnancy, and yet, still no Summer.  Also, I'm not sure they actually say the word "abortion" throughout this entire episode.  Even still, they handled the topic much more tastefully than I had expected.  Especially the wonderful, vivacious Bitchface Chloe.  She explains to Emily that different people have different beliefs, and that is that.  Emily stomps away like a horrible little child, while Bitchface Chloe leaves us again with her world-class bitchfaces.

A jaunty ditty plays while Summer comes home from a long day of being judgmental at the Rock.  (note to self: find out details of that song.)  She opens the door to find the house bound by strings, with cute little notes that she feels the need to read out loud, even though she is alone, as far as she knows.  She follows the strings, until she winds up at the door to the closet, which she opens only to find this little scene looking back at her.

Daddy gets down on one knee, and proposes while Lauren mouths the words along with him.  Not surprisingly, Summer isn't 100% thrilled at the idea.  How could you say no to this face?

Summer begs off by telling them she needs to think about it.  You know Lauren will bring this up a year from now, after she does something terrible to someone.  She'll use the line "You told me you had to THINK about being my mother!"

The following day, Bitchface Chloe and Sasha are at the Rock, watching Emily as she attempts to stretch her enormous body.  This is especially obvious in comparison to the one real gymnast on set, who is ass up on beam. 

Bitchface Chloe asks Sasha if there is a chance that Emily could come back to elite gymnastics after having the baby, to which Sasha replies with an emphatic no.

Um, hi.  Have we not heard of Oksana Chusovitina?  If not, you could take a gander at the vaulting results from the Beijing Olympics.  Or most of the World/Olympic results for the past twenty years.  Not to mention a host of other gymnasts who have returned to elite and NCAA competition after having a child.  But I guess you're right, MIOBI.  All gymnasts must be itty bitty teeny tiny and period-free forever and ever in order to make it in the sport. 

Despite the fact that he's being an idiot, Bitchface Chloe begs Sasha to give Emily some advice.  He refuses, probably because he knows Emily is a horrible child who will blow off whatever he has to say anyway.  As usual.

At therapy, Kaylie is showing the googly-eyed counselor magic tricks, as she makes her journal jump from her left hand to her right hand between takes. 

She also tells him all about how she is becoming an artist, what with the label loving her and all.  She realizes that maybe she can do more with her life than just gymnastics.  But, she needn't bother, because Googly-Eyes tells her that she may return to the gym whenever she'd like.  Despite having thrown fits about her absence for months, Kaylie doesn't look entirely thrilled with the possibility of going back. 

Probably because she'd have to compete with this little nugget of awesomesauce.  Lauren is at the gym, actually doing gymnastics for a change.  She is working on a GINORMOUS pass of a 1.5 through to what is supposed to be a layout, but she keeps trying to twist it into a full.  Maybe it's because she keeps switching her lead leg in her roundoff?  Let's take a peek. 

You'll notice that Lauren is a leftie, and therefore leads with her left leg.  Her double, however, is clearly a righty.  I know it's kind of hard to see in these pics, but whatever, I can tell.

Dear lord.  Like, props for getting skinny, but buy a bigger leotard, woman!

Sasha diagnoses Lauren with a case of the "twisties."  Despite her constantly trying to ruin his life, he offers to meet with Lauren before practice every single day until she works this problem out.  If she ends up boning him too, I'm going to be pissed.

Up in the office, Payson's mom and Summer have a little girl chat.  Summer explains that she should marry Daddy, because she so desperately wants to discipline Lauren.  They decide that Summer should see if she still has feelings for Sasha.

Meanwhile, Emily is for some reason spotting Payson on a shaposhnikova, instead of having a real coach do it.  Emily marvels at how good Payson is.  Maybe it's because she actually comes to the gym and does gymnastics, instead of just wandering around all day.  Emily asks if Payson's broken back was just a little road bump on her way to the Olympics, and Payson's all FUCK NO, because she worked her ass off to come back from her injury.  Payson tells Emily to jump up on the bars, and Emily's all "Um, no, I don't do gymnastics this season.  Remember?"

At just that moment, the NGO asshole waltzes on into the gym, to present Emily with her world team jacket, since she is going to worlds!  She responds by waddling slowly out of the building. 

Payson finds Emily at MIOBI's favorite spot, the bench.  Payson walks like a linebacker over to said bench, and asks Emily what the fuck is going on.  Emily tells Payson that she is, in fact, with child.  The first time I watched, I was pretty ambo'd, so I wasn't sure what to make of Emily's laughing/crying.  But having watched it a few times now, I'm more into it.  Lord knows I do that ALL of the time, and every single time it makes my fiance think I'm nuts.  I think it's a very realistic response to the situation.  Also, even though I HATE her character with a passion fiery and true, Emily does well in this scene.  She's no Bitchface Chloe, that's for damn sure, but I must give credit where credit is due. 

In response to Emily's admission, Payson starts ripping her a new asshole.  Not entirely uncalled for, yet it still wasn't very satisfying.  Like, this is your chance to tell this bitch what's what, to call her out for being a huge selfish hag, and dragging you down with her!  Take this moment!  Payson just beefs it though, and totally caves in when Emily turns shit around, and accuses Payson of being too perfect.  They end up in this super awkward embrace, where Payson looks like an old schoolmarm. 

Inside of the Rock, Summer and Sasha are having an intimate moment in the office.  Sasha ruins it by confiding in Summer that Emily is up the spout.  Summer responds with the most insincere surprise ever.   Did she already know?  Is that why she's feigning such meager shock?  She gets over it quickly, and tells Sasha to make sure Emily knows that everyone is there for her and the baby, so that she may continue to walk all over everyone, and piss all of her support away.  Sasha tells her that he can't say that, because he doesn't want Emily to have the baby.  He wants Emily to make something of herself, and is fully aware that shit won't happen if Emily becomes the oldest looking teen mom ever.

Oh boy.  Here comes the pipe bomb.  Summer has a meltdown, and gets all judgmental with all of the crap we knew she'd get into a tizzy over.  Summer and her super high, archy eyebrows bust into a rage as she tears into Sasha. 

Sasha asks her to at least understand where he is coming from.  Obviously, she does not.  Cannot.  And WILL NOT. 

This was such a strange moment.  Things were fine, if not completely predictable, until that line.  The "and I won't!" eyeroll line.  That just sounded like a bad character of someone who was so closed-minded.  It almost seemed as though the show was making fun of her character, which would be entirely hard to believe since it is a) ABC Family but also b) Candace Cameron Bure's character, who is notorious for being exactly like Summer in real life.  I really don't think she'd be cool with a line intending to make her very staunch position a joke.  They just wrapped Summer's, and therefore ABC Family's portrayal of religious pro-lifers, beliefs up in a tight little package.  She WILL NOT ever be open to understanding a viewpoint that which she does not agree with.  And despite being my dad's hippy liberal daughter, even I know better.  I know that not every religious person pushes their beliefs on people the way Summer does.  I know that not all pro-lifers are completely unwilling and unable to accept another person's point of view.  But, this one line in this one episode of this one show tells a lot of people otherwise.  It's a real shame.

Since Sasha is once again a heathen destined for hell, Summer leaves the office and the Rock with a quickness.  She races over to the Tanner's, and says yes to Daddy.  Judgment: the magic all successful marriages are made of. 

At Casa de Cruz, Demon and Kaylie are wrapping up the recording of their little duet.  They share an illicit kiss, which is great because hopefully it solidifies the end of Emily.  But Kaylie puts the kibosh on it, since it's wrong, and she's just such a good friend to Emily.  Demon stands in the studio, alone, holding his blue balls. 

At home, Emily blames her mother for pregnancy-enduced super smell.  Bitchface Chloe jumps through hoops just to get Emily off of her back, and they are civil and hug for one hot minute.  That all ends when the NGO asshole shows up, who Bitchface Chloe called in an attempt to get some help with the situation.  He does seem genuinely helpful, and thanks Bitchface Chloe for confiding in him.  Emily erupts from the bathroom in an insane rage.  The NGO asshole tries to calm her down, telling her that other girls on the National team have been in her situation.  When he calmly explains the process to her, and like the rest of the episode, never even mentions the word abortion, she has a meltdown.

She freaks out, and says everyone tries to control her.  Oh, but not this time.  This time, she decides, she has a choice.  SHE gets to choose what she does with her own body.  Sorry dear, I think you mean old Republican men get to decide what you do with your body.  She then insinuates that something was happening between Bitchface Chloe and the NGO asshole, which is something, if you'll recall, that I had wished for some odd weeks back.  Both adults claim nothing happened, but I'm not convinced.  Neither is Emily.  She then decides that Demon is the only person that will understand her, and that he will surely race back into her arms after she blew him off for the billionth time.  So she's off to his place.

At the Rock, Lauren is working layout drills with Sasha.  She does layouts off of a mini tramp while he sits in a lawn chair eating cereal.  That's exactly how it started with Payson, too.  Lauren will be all over him shortly.  She tries her pass another time, and is successful, even though her wig almost falls off.

Lauren is immediately upset, because yet another person who she was a huge bitch to ended up supporting her in the end. 

Emily continues her parade of crazy by showing up at Demon's apartment above the rave.  She doesn't wait for an invite in, she just pushes her way into his place, and rants on about dreams, and being happy.  Understandably, he's not really buying it.  So, in order to expedite the process, Emily just busts out that she's pregnant.

She breathlessly adds to the cray cray by telling him that now they can move in together, get married, have a baby, and she can go on tour with him.  Isn't that great?!

No time for a response, because Emily is off to run home and pack her stuff, because she's moving in.   Lucky Demon! 

In a change of pace, Lauren is the sane one, for now.  She is at home, and is about to send the full DVD copy of the Sasha-Payson love story to the NGO, which will clear Sasha's name once and for all.  Despite her good deed, and her bedroom being all white and heavenly, we still all know that she is just keeping the brat bottled inside, until it's ready to come out later.

At Casa de Cruz, Kaylie tells the Cryptkeeper that she has something on her mind.  They both decide that she needs to be open and honest.  This means Kaylie needs to tell Emily about her kiss with Demon.  Kaylie shows up at Emily's, and Emily is immediately a little bitch to her.  She starts off by fishing for compliments, but Kaylie legit has no clue what Emily's talking about, since she doesn't know about the little bundle of joy yet.  Kaylie brushes it off, and instead apologizes to Emily for kissing Demon.  Emily says nothing, and Kaylie leaves.

Payson is at home, pouring over the latest gossip mag, which features one of the latest Teen Mom stars.  HA!  That is totally supposed to be Janelle. 

Payson gets all judgmental of Emily, and all teen moms.  Payson's mom admonishes her, and tells her she's not being a very good leader.  Payson seems to get it, because next thing we know, she and the other Rock girls show up at Emily's door to offer their support. 

Problem is, Emily isn't there.  She peaced out, taking the bus to Vegas to go stay with her Godmother.  Understandably, Bitchface Chloe is PISSED.  

She tearfully explains Emily's departure to the girls, and then slams the door in their faces.  Only to open it again, and tell them something.  I watched this part like 7 times, and I'm still not sure what she says here.  At first, I thought she told the girls they could "keep fighting now," which I liked.  But upon rewatching, I'm not entirely sure that's what she says.  So your guess is as good as mine. 

On the bus to Vegas, Emily drives up the 101 past Universal, and stares out the window, reliving some of her more memorable gymnastics moments.  Like that one time she competed a layout-layout pass with bent knees. 

Payson, Kaylie and Lauren wind up at gymnastics camp, and somehow create a bonfire.  They don't have any food, but they have lighters?  Sure, why not.  They are all corny, and discuss the meaning of a team, and share more feelings, blah blah blah.

The Rock parents are creepily lurking in the woods.  Whoa, Payson's dad is back in town?  Does she know that?

The parents descend on the creepy bonfire funeral, and inform the girls that Sasha is the new National team coach!  Everyone celebrates by eating, and Emily is quickly forgotten. 

I was right.  They never once said the word abortion in this entire episode.  Maybe that's why ABC Family was OK with it?  That's also probably why Summer never actually showed up with pipe bombs. 

And there we are.  Dare I hope that Emily is gone forever?  At first I was elated, but then quickly drew terrified, as I realized that no Emily might mean no Bitchface Chloe.  And a show without Bitchface Chloe is not a show worth watching at all.

Until next week, my friends, may your leotards fit, and your layouts be twist-free.


  1. I just love your writeups. Major chuckles as always.

    A few little pointers if you don't mind: "albeit" and "although" are not interchangeable. You can't say "albeit I was very ambo'ed." Use "although" in that sort of sentence.

    Also, you drive PAST something, not "passed." You seem to make that mistake a lot so I thought I'd point it out to you.

    Keep up the fab work though! I look forward to next week's episode.

  2. LOL, thanks. I do try to go through and edit after I post, as it's a bit easier to see.

  3. While we're on the subject, it's Bure, not Burre; not that it's important, but I'd think you'd know that what with your hockey obsession. Mind you, neither brother ever played for Minnesota. Is Candace Cameron really a religious nutjob? It's weird to imagine a bible thumper married to a former Soviet.

    And why do I keep changing the subject to Slavs?

    Anyways, great recap. Emily was spotting Payson because the "coaches" at the Rock don't spot. Spotting is not a job for coaches, it's a job for pregnant gymnasts. Duh. Did she do the "Jesus" spot like Dufournet's coach?

  4. Thank you Sasha, her name has been corrected! Now, I don't know that she's a nutjob, but she is pretty devout. I think it was her brother, actually, who made a stink on his show that he wouldn't be filmed kissing girls on dates, since it was so unsavory. It's not fair for me to lump them together, but I still kind of do.

  5. I could point out lots more errors, but it's the internet, and i'm not a dick. nice recap

  6. I wish I could say I cared much about the errors, but I don't. I care much more about capping shitty faces, and catching continuity errors.

  7. As always I loved your write up. A few of the things were almost identical to what I thought when I was watching the show. And seriously? Why was that "fuller figure" not wearing shorts...or pants...or anything not a leotard?

  8. Definitely noticed the "shapely" extras...

    Don't know how you notice all the little details like which hand Kaylie's journal is in and the stunt double's wig! Love your posts as always.

  9. i heard "you girls keep fighting now"

  10. So, do you think she meant like "Keep fighting for your dream!" or more like a "You're all a bunch of catty bitches, you can go back to fighting now since you drove my daughter out of town." I can't decide.

  11. hey mr. dictionary, dictionary.com and merriam-webster both use although in the definition of albeit

  12. I just woke up the dogs with my laughing and the house now sounds like a crazy kennel. Totally worth it!

  13. "Although" and "albeit" mean the same; they are just used differently. As Wiktionary says: Unlike "although," which can introduce a noun phrase, adjective phrase, or subordinate clause, "albeit" can introduce only a noun, adjective or adverbial phrase, BUT NOT A SUBORDINATE CLAUSE."


    She is a tiny girl, ALBEIT with huge tits.


    She is a tiny girl, ALTHOUGH she has very large tits.

    I hope that helps.

    Loved the left hand / right hand business, Spanny.

  14. Not watching this show and only watching recaps leaves me confused. Did they ever drop Emily's charges? And why did Sasha get reinstated as a national coach if the NGO thought he was kissing gymnasts and then he ran off to Romania. And why haven' they told anyone that Lauren sent in both videos? (oh yeah she's a vile manipulative twat and gets away with everything)

    Why did the NGO put Emily on the team if they knew she was pregnant? Was that their way of pressuring her to get an abortion? (which of course you can't say on an 8pm show or Glen Beck burns you in effigy)

  15. CCB is almost as nutso as her Bible-thumping bro who has his wife now stand in when he does anything remotely romantic because he thinks even when he's acting he'd be cheating on her.

    Loved the recap as usual. As a journalist, some of the misspellings and grammatical errors bothered me a little, but not enough to bring to your attention. :-)

  16. Did anyone notice the "coach" helping a larger girl do a pullover in the background?? She practically heaves her over the bar on her shoulder. Can't remember which scene it's in

  17. OMG, the "shapely extras" thing nearly killed me. Those ladies are NOT elite athletes.

  18. I wondered if anyone else noticed the "SHAPELY EXTRAS"........that is a very generous description by the way.........seriously, the one on the right has some junk in the trunk. I mean can't they find some crack ho's on the street to be extras? Those girls must be related to someone haha. Great job Spanny, and like many others I'm sure- perfect grammar is NOT something I'm concerned with when i read your blog haha.

  19. To Ms. Jess - to clarify your confusions, here are some answers.

    1) The charges against Emily have vanished into thin air. We don't know what happened to them either, but apparently she is now in the all-clear despite having had an ankle bracelet on only a few weeks ago.

    2) I believe Sasha was made national team coach because the video of the Payson/Sasha kiss was sent to the NGO, so that they would know the truth - that Sasha pushed Payson away and is not some pedophile. Lauren sent them the video anonymously. Probably the only decent thing she's done in her miserable little life.

    3) Sasha's back from Romania because, if you'll read last week's recap, the girls decided to detour to Romania on their way to their Hungary meet. They convinced Sasha to come back.

    4) The NGO put Emily on the Worlds team BEFORE they knew she was pregnant. After they found out, they offered to help with an abortion.

    Hope that clears things up for you.

    Spanny, fricken awesome recap. I too noticed the shapely extras - my god! - and my laugh-out-loud moment came when you said that while Emily was at the gyno's discussing the options, Summer did not magically waltz in with a pipe bomb, but maybe later. Hahaha!

    And from what I've heard, CCB is a total nut about Christianity. It's frankly nauseating. Growing up in MN I had enough of those bible-thumpers as friends (I'm sure you can relate), and I don't need any more of it. I'm all for freedom of religion, and I'm religious myself, but I can't stand the righteous Christian attitude you find in some people. Ewww.


  20. The girl that plays Lauren is actually pretty religious too. God is all over her twitter page.

    And I noticed the pullover! It was hilarious!

    And I think the mom is saying keep fighting in the sense - you go achieve your dreams since my bratty, bitchy, bad acting daughter won't achieve hers. But I think Emily is coming back - I vote miscarriage (even though she already has a baby bump)!!!

    And I'm surprised you didn't make fun of Emily when she told Payson she was "with child." What 16 yo (going on 25) talks like that?

    There's some really bad acting on the show. I thought of stopping but the preview for next week's episode looks pretty good. Thanks for the recap!

  21. Seriously. With child? Who talks like that?

    I love your blog Spanny. It brightens my week. You should post more often. :-)

  22. I watched this and Glee back-to-back also!

    Yes, the acting, staging, story line is terrible, but it's so bad, it's good! This show is so addicting!

    Thanks for the great recap...

  23. Look what I found Fishie! I thought of you when I saw sneak-peek pictures for the next show! It's a new buttshelf for you, Payson-style!



  24. Anon- The recaps made it seem like Sasha got reinstated when he arrived at the Hungary meet. Or did he just show up as the girls personal coach so he could deliver one of his trademarked Important Inspirational Speeches. Belov used to be all kinds of awesome but the lately he just bores me. Talk about badass decay.

    And yeah Lauren only sent in the full video because Sasha was nice to her and because he stopped dating Summer. I hope Summer and Payson find out what a manipulative little twat she really is.

    I bet tragic miscarriage so Emily can mope around a lot. Or she gives the baby up for adoption but is magically back to a size four in no time. Either way predict lots of moping from Emily.

  25. every week i cannot stop laughing

  26. oh yeah the "with child" was ridic... i seriously didn't even know what she meant for like 5 seconds

  27. laughed my ass off reading your blog today. especially since i cannot stand that whiny bitch with jiggly saddle bags, emily. gotta ask though, what is up with the porn shots in this blog though??

  28. I just rewatched this episode and paid close attention to what Chloe says to them. She did say "you girls keep fighting now, OK?".