A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

i've put plastic on your chair, so feel free to wet yourself with excitement.

Ugh.  Worlds and Pan Ams are finished.  There is always a post-Worlds lull, and usually we just bide our time until Scam.  Not this year.  Oh no.  THIS year, we've got a little thing called THE RETURN OF MAKE IT OR BREAK IT to look forward to!  Although I have no clue when that is actually happening.  Whatever.  Until then, we continue with our first season recaps.  For those following along, we are about to embark on what was the second episode of the first season.  Ready?  OK.

We start inside of the Kmetko household, where the lovely and divine Bitchface Chloe is frantically tearing up the apartment, in search of her resumes.  Emily, long before her demonic transformation, is all chill and tells her mother to relax, because she's totally going to find a job soon.

On the car ride to the Rock, Bitchface Chloe apologizes to Emily for being kind of a spaz, but Emily reassures her and is all "It's coo, yo.  By the way, I may not have a scholarship, which is like all of our income right now."  Understandably, Bitchface is all like "WTF??" but Emily is still super calm and collected and nice to her mother.  These were the good days. 

Workout is in full swing at the Rock.  Some girls are swinging giants, that one pot-bellied girl is doing the L5 beam routine in the background, and we even see a Bross-stand.

Despite a few hard workers, for the most part, everyone is just dicking around in what appears to be one huge open gym.  Ugh, those terrify me.  You'd go to Open Gym with like 400 kids, and they'd be sprinting all around, not unlike the kids at the Rock.  It was too dangerous to tumble or vault, because sure as shit, as soon as you took off, some ten year old chunker would come running in front of you and totally ruin everything.

Kaylie and Creepy Carter are on opposite ends of the gym texting each other, while one of the SAG coaches stupidly asks for a spotter.  Two things: 1. Why can't you spot?  And 2. Silly man, there are no spotters at the Rock!  I think Payson spots the team throughout most of the second season.

More random extras comment on what a shit-show the gym has become in the one day since Marty left to go coach Lauren and the other hoes over in Denver.  Kaylie's dad and her mother, the Cryptkeeper, are in the office trying to sort things out.  Why is that guy in charge?  And how is his head so shiny?  It's like he put his melon in the Shine-O-Ball-O from the Simpsons.  Anyway, the Cryptkeeper and Shiny wonder who the hell they're going to get to coach all of these misfits.

On beam, poor Payson is being coached by some random guy, who sounds like he's been reading the International Gymnast message board.  All he can manage to do is bark at her about squaring her hips.

Oh, and Payson's parents are totally just chilling, having a discussion while rambling around the gym, only stopping directly in front of the beam.  On the mats.  In their shoes.  And no one cares.  They stand there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM to talk about how they're finally being invited to board meetings.  Meanwhile, after Payson wobbles after a side somi, IGF coach says "You did it again!" but never says what IT is.  After she botches a tuck jump, he again yells "SQUARE YOUR HIPS!" and then Payson flips her shit at him.  She freaks out that IGF coach isn't Marty, and then runs out of the gym.  Kaylie follows her, so we are left with some girl in a floral leotard that is seriously too high cut.  

No bueno.  The girls run outside, and lament over the current state of the gym.  Payson is distraught, being left by a coach she had been with for two years (doesn't she say later in the season that she moved to Rock when she was 12?  Is she supposed to be 14 here?  The fudge?)  The girls brainstorm, and decide to go to Denver themselves to figure out what the hell Marty is doing with that scag Lauren.

Back in the gym, we're treated to a quick little montage of happenings around the gym, which I'm guess was spliced together using shots from the pilot episode, because I see Lauren just sitting around (isn't that bitch supposed to be in Denver??)

And Emily putting on her robe before retreating to her trailer. 

What would this show do without me?  Sigh.  Next, we see Kaylie's older brother Leo strut into the rock.   A gaggle of underaged girls come to swarm him.

What happened to the Leo from the first episode?

I don't even... whatever.  What matters is that Leo is back at the Rock, and the gaggle of girls shows us that he is desired and attractive.  Just so we know.  Emily marches into the office, wondering WTF is up with her scholarship now that Marty bailed.  Shiny is a dick to her, and simply cannot be bothered with the problems of poor people.  He jets out of the office, right as Leo walks in.  He and Emily have a moment, as all boys in Boulder are inexplicably drawn to that girl. 

Over in Denver, Lauren and the hoes are working out at a real gym.  Like, with a pit and everything.

TWO sets of bars?  And chalk?  Get real.  Lauren is on beam, while all of the real Denver gymnasts marvel about how FABULOUS she is.

Of course, this means they're also intimidated by her, and choose to ignore her, not unlike what she did to Emily.  Because if there's one thing we know, it's that all girls are huge bitches, and cannot ever be nice to or support one another.

Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer have some lame discussion about going public with their relationship.  As if anyone other than Lauren cares.  We don't.

At the Cruz's gigantic compound, Kaylie receives a cell phone call from inside her own house.  My mom used to do that all of the time.  In Kaylie's case, it's Creepy Carter being a huge stalker, and calling her from inside the laundry room. 

Isn't this how the movie Scream started?  So fucking creepy.  He convinces her to come down to the laundry room so he can molest her.

While Kaylie and the Rock girls are at home, the Denver Elite hoes are still at practice, which explains why they're better.  Tarah Paige Chellevold hides in the background, as if we're not going to see her, while Lauren continues to be ignored by the other hoes.

Lauren stomps off to look for Daddy, who she finds in a steamy embrace with Sister Mary Summer.  GASP!

Lauren calls Sister Mary out for being a slut and a gold-digger, and walks out.  Simple as that.

Ugh, now we have to see Kaylie and Creepy Carter make out all over the laundry room.  Fucking disgusting.  Like, I don't think it's cute.  I do not find it flattering or romantic when guys become obsessed with girls, which Creepy Carter is, let's be realistic.  He stalks her at her house, and gets mad when she explains to him that right now, her family and her sport come first.  The girl is in high school, leave her the fuck ALONE.  He then continues his abuse by turning it around on her, and accusing her of making excuses not to be with him.  PSYCHO.  And she reacts as such, so good for her.  But then they take turns grabbing each others heads, so I guess everything is all better now.  Gross.  Thank goodness Shiny comes home, and demands to know where his daughter is.  This girl must have so many daddy-creepy stalker boyfriend issues, it's not even funny.

Creepy Carter hides from Shiny in the laundry room, only to be discovered by Leo.  Leo doesn't seem weirded out at all that his friend is stalking his little sister. 

Over at the Pizza Shack, Emily is having some meaningless conversation with that weasel Razor.  Something about super powers, I don't even know.  Lucky for us, Bitchface Chloe comes racing into the Shack, and pulls Emily out of work so she can attend the last minute, super important Rock meeting being held at the Cruz's. 

The Keelor's also thought to bring the children to the meeting, which pisses off the Cryptkeeper.  Payson and her awesome sister Becca from Bridesmaids go up to visit Kaylie in her room.  Kaylie is paging through some old gymnastics magazine, and lands upon the most horribly photoshopped picture of all time.

*****Thanks to Senor Nico, we know the source of this little Photoshop horror!*****

Speaking of Marty, the girls remember their plan to go ambush him down in Denver.  Downstairs, Shiny is busy reliving his glory days of being some baseball player.  He stops only to ask the Keelors if they know any rich people to be on the Rock board.  Naturally, the Keelors are butthurt, because they assumed that they were going to be invited to the board.  Not so.  They're too poor, and poor people can't make decisions at the gym.

Speaking of poor, the Kmetkos show up to the Cruz's.  The Cryptkeeper is again all pissed because Emily is there, and there just simply is not enough shrimp dip for all of these CHILDREN.  When Kaylie and Payson come downstairs to say that they're going to head out to Moose Juice, the Cryptkeeper makes sure that they take awesome Becca from Bridesmaids and Emily with them. 

But this doesn't fly with Kaylie and Payson.  Once they get outside, they explain that it's nothing personal, but Emily and awesome Becca from Bridesmaids should just wait in the cars outside for the next few hours, which Emily happily does.

I want Payson's jacket.  And what is happening to that wall in the background??  Anyway, Becca from Bridesmaids is not as content as Emily to be left out, so the other girls explain to her that they need to go see Marty.  Emily hears this, and is all "Oh hail no, not without me!" because she needs him to sign her scholarship papers.  So all four of them end up in the car on the way to Denver.

I love how they make it seem like Denver is a million miles away, and that this is some grand road trip.  Isn't it like a half hour drive?

It does seem a lot longer, because they won't stop jabbering about loser guys they'd want to kiss.  Meanwhile, back at the Rock meeting, Bitchface Chloe is snooping through the house, and lands on one of the Cryptkeeper's platinum records hanging on the walls.  Oh yeah, she was a recording artist back in the 70s, I guess.  Bitchface gets super excited, and then the two of them make some joke about being born in the 70s, which I didn't get at all.  Moving on, the Keelors are still butthurt about being blown off for the Rock board.  They trash Shiny and the Cryptkeeper, but since they're such good parents, they decide to keep mum about other gyms trying to recruit Payson.

Shiny stands up, and informs the crowd that since he is the only adult there with experience as a professional athlete, this somehow makes him qualified to replace not only Daddy Tanner, but Marty as well.  Who actually owns this gym?  Shiny is under the impression that no one knows about Marty's defection, but guess what, motherfucking HOUSTON knows, and they're trying to recruit Payson, per Payson's mom.  The Cruzs are alternately shocked and freaked out because their daughter isn't getting phone calls yet.  Payson's mom uses this as a chance to assert her position in the Rock.  Perhaps, as the parents of the #1 girl at the gym, they know a little something about how things should be handled.  As if any of this shit matters.

Back in Denver, Lauren is swinging bars, and oh yeah, she's brunette now.

She looks like Aly up in there.  She's back the blonde by the dismount though, just in time to see Payson and Co. walk in.  Payson marches directly up to Marty, and has a word with him.  If you hadn't watched the first episode, one would think that it was a lover's quarrel.  Payson's beef with him is disturbingly personal.

Ugh, I like the Denver Elite warmups too!  If someone in props should send me one, I would love you forever and ever.

Payson's meltdown causes the entire gym to stop what they're doing, which is unacceptable, so Marty drags her into the office.  Lauren takes this opportunity to call out Kaylie for her romance with that nasty Creepy Carter.  When Kaylie doesn't give her the response she wants, she then turns on Emily, and blames her for everything that is wrong in her life.  But Emily doesn't bite either, and just reminds Lauren that she beat her.

Back in the office, Payson starts talking like William Shatner, and keeps.... pausing while she... wonders why Marty left.... her.  In order to protect her feelings, and to motivate the shit out of her, Marty lies and says he left to coach the Denver hoes because, frankly, they're better gymnasts than Payson is.  His plan works like a charm, and Payson immediately gets off of his back and vows to be the best gymnast EVER just to prove him wrong.  She doesn't need to see him... EVER again.  Problem solved.

Because Payson's all ballsy now, she grabs Emily's scholarship paperwork and brings it to Marty to be signed.  Again, problem solved.

After the girls leave, Lauren is stopped by Sister Mary Summer on her way to the car.  Summer kindly asks Lauren to grow up and stop spazzing about her relationship with Daddy Tanner.  Lauren gives us, almost verbatim, the exact same speech that she gives Bitchface Chloe later on in the series.  You're just gold-digging, my dad goes through hoes like crazy, etc and so forth.  And Sister Mary Summer responds with the exact same line that Bitchface Chloe uses: "Don't underestimate me."

The girls are on their way home, and stop at the gas station to get gas.  Naturally, they pick the shadiest gas station ever, the Zippystop.

And of course, where there is a shady gas station, there is a gang of ruffians.

Extremely cliched ruffians.  Baggy pants: check.  Booze in a paper bag: check.  Backwards hat: check.  They all start cat calling the girls, and being generally creepy.  Not as creepy as Creepy Carter, but still threatening.  Payson isn't about to put up with this bullshit, so she does what any girl would do when she's about to get raped: a bunch of layout stepouts!

This was the moment that I knew I would love this show forever.

The ruffians are terrified by such ninja action.  The girls turn their backs to the gang of thugs, and strut away.  They get in the car, and everyone has a good chuckle.  They arrive home like 40 hours later, despite Denver being like 20 miles away, and Shiny is pissed.  Leo offers to drive the girls home, probably because he wants to bang Emily.  He and Emily chat in the car about not using grips, even though I'm pretty sure Emily actually uses grips.  Afterwards, Emily walks inside, and Bitchface Chloe is so excited about how the Rock meeting went that she decides to go pick up some ice cream to celebrate.  Emily and her sometimes-there brother discuss how long it will take for their mother to get lost.  Answer: not very long.

Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper is on a mission of her own.  She rolls up to Marty's place, and tells him that they can no longer bone.  SCANDAL!  She apologizes for their affair ruining his life, and lets him know that should the information go public, that she'll be fine.  Aww, such a nice Cryptkeeper.  Then they start to bang. 

Bitchface Chloe, lost as all hell, of course rolls up at this exact moment.

Next, we see a montage of the four girls, each in their various beds.  First is Payson, who sits up, and begins to do what one would assume is her beam routine.

She is obviously OCD and needs help from a therapist, STAT.  Emily just lays there and plays with her callouses, while Kaylie texts with Creepy Carter.  Being an overbearing stalker, he wants to know where she was all night.  Lauren is on her laptop, looking through old pictures.  Most are of her and the girls, back when they were all BFFs.  However, she lingers on a picture of her and Creepy Carter.  For fuck's sake.  What do people see in this guy?!  Disgusting.

Daddy Tanner is awoken in bed by a phone call from Marty.  Marty tells Daddy to go to hell, and that he's done being pushed around.  Daddy tries to blackmail him, but it doesn't work.  Dun dun DUNNN.  Whatever will Daddy and Lauren do now?  Find out next week/whenever I do the next recap.

Until then, my friends, maybe your scores be unbiased, and your gas stations be ruffian-free!


  1. 1. I think they made that floral leotard from some curtains my grandma gave to Goodwill in the mid-nineties.

    2. I'll tell you what this show would do without you--FAIL. It would FAIL.

    3. I need to learn a LOSO so I can defend my home and family from intruders with bad intentions. Thanks, Spanny!

  2. Obviously USAG is a more useful organization than NRA to encourage American citizens to protect themselves.

  3. These posts crack me up Spanny. I knew MIOBI was awful, but I never knew HOW awful until these posts. :)

  4. You totally just made my day. I'm so happy you're doing this!

  5. this was the best recap ever!!!!!!

  6. its called dedication not ocd. most olympic gymnasts visualize their routines just like Payson does.

  7. Depends on where you're going in Denver. From Boulder to the western most suburbs like Westminster or Thornton, it's about 15-20 minutes, from Boulder to downtown is about 30 minutes. To Boulder to the Southern burbs like Littleton, Englewood and the ever yuppieish Highlands Ranch is about 45 minutes. Assuming they went there and straight back, they would have been gone tops an hour and a half.

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