A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

her chagrin is limited only by the fact that she has a brain the size of a toddler's fist.

Another week, another chance for the girls to do anything other than their Olympic routines a month before the Olympics.  Let's get to it.

Coach Mac is going through some headshots of old legendary gymnasts, comparing them to his current crop of girls.

Lauren, wearing Mattie/Bross' Fake Starfish leo, is apparently doing shitty leaps ala Olga Korbut.  Could they not find a bigger wig for Lauren's double, holy balls.  She looks like a bobblehead.

Payson is supposed to be Khorkina.  *pauses for Russian artistry trolls' mind explosion*  Slightly more blasphemous, in my opinion, is Jordan as Nadia.   

Here we can see Jordan landing her/Nadia's full twisting BHS with stunning grace.  I'm assuming she borrowed Kristen Maloney's baked potato leo from 2000.

We learn that all if this is to prepare for the Family Weekend exhibition, which yes, does hold priority over the actual Olympics.  After having a little pow-wow with the team, Coach Mac asks Jordan why she's sucking so much during her Nadia FX.  She explains "This routine is way more artistic than I'm used to.  I'm still struggling with those tumbling moves."


Poor Jordan doesn't have any friends or family to invite to the gala, so Coach Mac starts to take pity on her.  If it's not pity, then it's something else, and that gives me the Uh-Oh feeling (term lovingly stolen from Full In Full Out.) 

Kaylie and ABKP are having a BFF chat about their broken homes.  ABKP has dumped her mother as manager, it seems.  Kaylie asks about her dad, and ABKP explains that she never really sees him since he got remarried and started his second family.  Kaylie thinks about her own dad, and is all "Oh shit." 

Our other BFFs, Lauren and Payson, are having a chat over by the beam.  I feel like there are a lot of beam chats this episode.  Beam = the new bench?  Perhaps.  Payson's giving Lauren shit because she hasn't gone to the doctor yet, and Lauren's all "Bitch, I will go after the Olympics, get off of my case."  So Payson's all "Girl, I knew you would play me, so I made an appointment for you next door.  Be there or be square."  Lauren freaks out, because DUH, she can't go to a USATC doctor, because she'll be turned in to Coach for going to the doctor... yeah.   She promises Lauren that she'll find a doctor off campus the next day.

Kaylie and Austin are back in the dorms, and Kaylie's having a meltdown because there's just so much pressure on her.  Is there really?  Yeah, she's training for the Games, but so is everyone else.  She was asked to say something at the gala, but fuck's sake woman, get it together.  She asks Austin to come to dinner with her and her parents.  Since he's completely pussy-whipped now, he eagerly agrees. 

I am becoming increasingly bored with the Kaylie/Austin storyline.  I just couldn't care less about the two of them as a couple.

Back at the gym, Miss Peggy Hill shows up in Coach Mac's office.  She makes up some sob story about how she has no place to stay during the gala, and he invites her to stay the night.  Her plan, you see, is to get in close with Coach so she can convince him to make ABKP captain of the team.  At least someone's being a raging bitch up in here.

 ABKP, and her ADORABLE hair, is all "WTF Mom???"  Even she realizes how creepy that is.  Peggy Hill explains that, in return for a place to stay, she offered to make Coach a home-cooked meal.  So she's going to make him a meal in his own house?  That's weird.

In their own dorm room, Lauren shows Payson her fake ID.

Payson's all "Are we buying booze now?" and Lauren explains that she's going to use it at the doctor's office.  She'll use a fake name, and then pay with a shitton of Daddy's cash.  Daddy's going to be PISSED, because trust me, a billion random tests to figure out what's wrong with you costs GAZILLIONS OF DOLLARS.   Lauren wants to go tomorrow, but Payson freaks out and demands that they go that day.  She says that she'll jank her dad's car and then blow him off for lunch.  Oh, the things that BFFs do for one another!

Payson's dad and the Cryptkeeper walk alone in the hotel hallway, which immediately provokes me to tune out.  The parent scenes are just so boring.  They are on about mystery situations that Payson's dad needs to tell Payson about, which had me thinking that maybe he was boning the Cryptkeeper.  Now that would be interesting!

Back on campus, and who do we see....


That outfit has got to be getting pretty smelly at this point.  Lauren and Payson head off to the doctor, while Jordan's inside the gym, working out overtime.  She works on her FHS-front full, which I'm pretty sure was not in Nadia's FX.  She complains to Coach Mac, and pretty much sums up the sad state of gymnastics in one breath:

"This stupid, old school routine requires so many dance elements!  I'm a power tumbler, I don't even understand the point of making me do this!"

And that's all I have to say about that.  

Coach Mac macks on Jordan, and asks her to dinner that night.  

Or at least that's the vibe I get.  He explains that his wife is out of town. *cue porn music*  He's not looking forward to dinner with ABKP and Peggy Hill, so he really wants Jordan there to make him more comfortable...

Lauren, aka Rachel Martin, is at the doctor, while other people's xrays are prominently displayed in the room.  Have you ever even tried to view your own xrays?  They keep those fuckers on LOCK DOWN.  Some sort of HIPPA crap, who knows.  She's trying to explain her symptoms to the doctor, while Payson keeps butting in.  The doctor's all "Um, who are you again?" and Payson's all "Her partner," which of course the doctor assumes to mean lesbian lover.  Payson's cool with it.  

The doctor says she doesn't judge, which I know is a lie coming from ABC Family.  Sure, they try to be cool with the bisexuals and now lesbian partners, but you know what show is on after this one?  The 700 Club.  And God help me if I watch my tivo'd recording of Dance Moms, and accidentally leave the actual tuner on during the 700 Club.  I can't change the channel fast enough.  I will never give that show ratings, not even for the tiniest second.  Fuck you, 700 club.  

Anyway, back to the show that doesn't send me into a blind rage (well, sometimes,) Lauren is hooked up for an EKG.  Apparently, one month before the Olympics actually means January of 2012.  

That glitch aside, this scene actually kind of gets to me.  I spent too much time in Lauren's position, so I get that moment where you kind of spazz out.  After her checkup, while Payson's in the hallway, all we see is Lauren in the exam room crying.  She cleans up, and grabs a random pamphlet from the wall.  As she leaves the room, she shows the pamphlet to Payson, and is all "See bitch, no worries."  Payson buys it, and off they go.  

Back at the dorms, in an attempt to make up for bailing on lunch, Payson is cooking her dad dinner.  I love how their rooms are stocked with EVERYTHING, like cooking spices and shit.  I can 100% guarantee that none of the rooms I lived in during college had anything more than salt and pepper in them.  Kaylie comes bouncing into the kitchen, and tries to make small talk with Payson.  Payson's being a bitch about it, so Kaylie calls her out.  

This here is a scene that, I think you'll agree, repeats itself like 30 times this week.  Person A says something, then reacts with a worried stank face.  Person B reacts with her own worried stank.  Finally, Person A responds with the final and longest of the stanks.  

In this case, Kaylie is bemoaning the loss of her friendship with Payson, and Pay just says "Things change."  In walks ABKP, and it's like, yeah bitch, things HAVE changed.  Kaylie finally has a friend who actually seems to care about her, for once.  ABKP struts in wearing a super cute, and may I say classy, anti-Nastia outfit.  After she learns that Austin is going to dinner with Kaylie and her folks, ABKP is all nice and supportive of her friend.  She thinks it's a huge deal, while Kaylie's all "Nah, no biggie."  But then Austin shows up in a seriously mismatched suit and tie, so Kaylie's all "FML."  

After Kaylie leaves to meet up with her folks, ABKP heads over to Coach Mac's for a family dinner of her own.  As was agreed upon, Peggy Hill is in wandering about in Coach Mac's kitchen while he's not there, which is weird weird weird.  Of course she can't cook, so she just bought a bunch of shitty take out, and is just trying to make it look home cooked.  

She also intends to offer Coach Mac a "piece of her sweet potato pie," if you know what I mean.  Coach rolls up just as the girls are finishing up, and Peggy Hill welcomes him to his own house.  Weird.  Then she presents all of the fried chicken she made for the elite gymnasts, because I'm sure they've totally tasted that in their lifetimes.  

Oh yeah, and Jordan's there.  *cue more stanks*

Austin and Kaylie arrive to the Olive Garden, where Kaylie's parents are waiting.  

I don't know why Papa Cruz is leaning like a cholo, but we are to understand that he is very unhappy.  Recall that he and the Cryptkeeper are separated (divorced?) and cannot be civil with one another.  Kaylie tries to make small talk about the USATC starving them, but Austin cuts in and works on buttering up Papa Cruz by discussing his dead baseball career.  It works.  

Back at Coach Mac's, Peggy Hill is dominating the conversation by talking up her daughter, and about how smart and beautiful and talented she is (I'm beginning to agree.)  They toast to ABKP's success, but Jordan is totally snubbed in the toasting.  


 Peggy Hill goes on about ABKP's crowning achievement, bringing home the gold medal from the non-existent Junior Worlds.  ABKP informs her mother that this never happened, and Peggy Hill is all "Then who the fuck am I thinking about?" Jordan chimes in, because uh, she won the gold medal at the non-existent Junior Worlds. 

Back to the Olive Garden.  The table is discussing how Kaylie and Austin should market themselves as the "Golden Couple."  Two things:  1) Kaylie needs to actually win gold and 2) are we to understand that the only way Kaylie can be popular or likeable is if she is partnered with a man?  I do not like the life lessons on this show.  Papa Cruz wants Austin to become a partner at her marketing firm, and like that, Kaylie's future is sealed.  

At our final family dinner (did Daddy just totally bail on Lauren this week?) Payson and Payson's dad are wrapping things up.  He finally tells her what he and the Cryptkeeper were discussing earlier.  As it turns out, they weren't boning.  Damn.  Instead, he was offered this amazing job back in Minnesota (HOLLER) and he wants to move the whole family back home.  Payson is immediately all "But... the Rock???" but Payson's dad already has it all figured out.  Payson's worried because she'll "need to train before the Olympics!"  WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW??  Do they go home for like, one day, and then head to London?  I am so confused.  But Payson's dad made arraignments for her to stay with Kaylie during her one day of training at the Rock. 

He must not have gotten the new BFF memo.  Payson is a huge brat, and storms off to her room and slams the door. 

Austin is walking Kaylie to her room as she explains why she is super pissed.  She wisely doesn't agree with this whole Golden Couple bullshit.  But not for the same reasons as myself.  She doesn't like it because it was more or less done without her consent (even though I swear it's been happening for the past few episodes?) and it puts more of that darned pressure on her.  Kaylie's all snotty, and Austin responds by telling Kaylie that he loves her.  Yawn.  Kaylie's all weirded out, and totally avoids saying it back or kissing him.  

*Worried stank face as she hugs him instead*  Back in the hotel, Papa Cruz is all smitten with Austin, and tells the Cypterkeeper as much as he walks her to her room.  Before saying goodnight, the two creepy adults start making out and that's all I can handle for right now.  

Back in the dorms, Kaylie is replaying the night's events for her real BFF, ABKP.  Kaylie explains that she couldn't tell Austin that she loves him because she doesn't want to get married just yet.  Wait, I thought this was ABC Family?  I thought all teens wanted to get married...  ABKP, ever the wise one, explains that telling someone you love them does not mean you're going to get married.  She mentions Creepy Carter, and it is only then that I remember that they both boned the same guy.  So you know they shared notes.  Kaylie explains that she most certainly never told Creepy Carter that she loved him.  Cause that shiz nasty.  

Peggy Hill is waiting up for Coach Mac back at his place.  He tries to run off to his bedroom, but Peggy Hill pins him down with a "piece of her pie."  

Peggy Hill rubs up on Coach Mac as she explains that he could make the big bucks with that handsome mug of his.  All he needs to do is make ABKP the captain of the Olympic team.  

Payson returns to her room from a shower, and finds Lauren praying at the end of her bed.  

I see what you did there.  Payson's confused, but Lauren tries to cover it up by pretending that she was looking for something.  Payson uses the is opportunity to bitch about her family's selfish decision to do what's best for the family for once, instead of just focusing on Queen Payson.  Lauren, the smart one of the season, is all "Haven't they been catering to your shit for long enough?  They're the parents, you're not.  Deal with it."  She leaves to go to the store, so Payson calls the doctor and pretends that she's Lauren/Rachel.  She's all "Uh, what's wrong with me again?" and the doctor's totally OK with that and tells her everything.  I know I can call up my doctor and speak with her directly at any time.  

GROSS.  So, needless to say, Papa Cruz and the Cryptkeeper did a little boning, and Kaylie walks in and sees this and dies.


Payson's dad is on the phone with Payson's mom, discussing how maybe they shouldn't take the super amazing job and move to Minnesota (HOLLER) because Princess motherfucking Payson isn't happy about it.  No time for chatting, because the show is about to start!  

Before the show, Payson corners Lauren and admits that she knows everything about her mysterious condition.  She warns Lauren to back out of the gala, but Lauren's all "Fuck no!  Payson, you are not the boss of everybody, so STFU!" 

No, seriously, the show needs to start.  Coach Mac is on the mic, and tells a lovely tale about the past legends of gymnastics.  

Lauren's face looks super-imposed on her body, but I'll take it.  I kind of love the replica leotards in the episode.  If they're GK, they should totally sell them.  They'd be a hit.  Also, props to whoever's in charge for knowing what a Korbut is on beam.  

Nice face. 

Next, we have Kaylie as Mary Lou Retton.  Again, cute leotard, but the whole planet including my dad knows that Mary Lou earned her ten on a Tsuk full.  So why the fuck is Kaylie doing a round off into her vault, which sure as shit, does turns into a tusk?

Now we have the treat of seeing Payson as Svetlana Khorkina, who Coach Mac lovingly calls "Core-keena."  *mind explosion*  

I'm fairly certain that Payson was just jumping on a trampoline to get this shot, because we see this before she grabs the bar.  

It may just look like funky legs to the untrained eye, but most of us are painfully aware that this bitch is not doing a release.  They do show her double doing a nice full in dismount, so credit for trying.  

Last, and again most blasphemous, is Jordan as Nadia.  They get some of her spastic Geza Pozar choreography down, but most importantly, they got the finishing pose correct.  And don't tell me you didn't get a little chill when you saw it, because I know you're lying.  

That is the only busted wrist I will ever accept.  After the show, everyone is meeting and greeting with their parents.  Austin shows up, and Kaylie runs to him and tells him that she loves him.  And I just don't care.  More interestingly, Peggy Hill is telling ABKP that she can't do lunch, because she needs to meet with Coach Mac over business.  ABKP is all "Fine.  I'll just go sit with the other girls without mothers."  

Burn.  Coach Mac walks over the Peggy Hill, and tells her that she should be ashamed for trying to bribe him, even though he does have a handsome face.  Of course, as always with Make It or Break It, there will be no sort of punishment, and everyone lives happily ever after.  

Finally, we see Payson chatting with Payson's dad.  I guess she is finally relenting, and will allow the family to move back to Minnesota (HOLLER.)  Well isn't that kind of Princess Payson.  The only thing is that she wants to stay with Lauren during her one day of training at the Rock instead of with Kaylie.  Payson and Payson's dad bounce out of the gym, in the latest in a series of extra cheesy endings for this show.  I miss the dramatic endings.  It's too boring when everything wraps up in a neat little package at the very end.  

Hmmmm.  Wouldn't it be something if this episode hinted towards the Olympic results?  Jordan wins AA, Kaylie clinches team gold, Payson falls during AA but wins an event gold, and Lauren falls spectacularly but becomes a media darling.  Seems feasible, although sometimes I worry that the show will never actually get to the Olympics, and that we'll end with them just making the stupid team.  

Next week promises that someone will be voted out of the USATC, dun dun DUNNNNN.  Probably Wendy Capshaw, seeing as how she didn't exist at all in this episode. 

Until next week, Spanfans, may your faces be stanky and wigs super big!


  1. I just watched the episode while following along with this and it was fab. Thanks for the recap!

  2. Maybe "Jan-2012" was counting the number of times Jan shows up. Not sure why the doctor would be counting, but I guess I'm not sure why most of the stuff that happens on the show happens.

  3. Laughed out loud when you pointed out that Kaylie's dad was leaning like a cholo.

    Great re-cap! Also, I don't give a damn about the golden couple storyline either. Yawn.

  4. I personally appreciated Lauren's Casual Friday hooker outfit at the doctor's office.

    If a Dance Moms recap ever happened on this blog...that would be pure magic.

  5. What got me was KP's mom offering the coach "soul food" and then he turns to Jordan and is like, "check out this white lady." Seriously, isn't it kind of questionable to assume that the African-American man's food of choice is fried chicken and sweet potato pie?

  6. Awesome recap this week. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed but at one point "Peggy Hill" was calling someone on her iPhone and her iPhone was upside down. Oye.

  7. I thought the leo recreations were adorable, loved the Soviet leos in the early '7s with that ballet neck.

    They should've done Olga on bars so someone could've thrown the Korbut flip on bars--love that move! So what if it's illegal? :)

    And I cringed at the coach's mispronunciation of Sveta's last name--who doesn't know how to pronounce Khorkina?! She's not exactly a shrinking violet, if you're in gymnastics (even if you've only coached the men), you've probably heard of her!

    And when Kaylie was approaching the vault I was all "But didn't Mary Lou do a..." and then magically that's what Kaylie did! *headdesk*

    Lauren's praying was sweet. But couldn't Lauren just go to an outside doctor but use her real name (and charge it to Daddy)? An outside doctor wouldn't have to report it to the NGO, correct? Loved Lauren's "Friday casual hooker" look, as someone wrote above.

    Moar recaps!!! :)

  8. I've only ever heard Khorkina pronounced as 'Core-keena' in my area... perhaps its a regional thing?

  9. everyone knows: throw a terbin on kaylies dad and give him a floating table and crystal ball he could be a physic hes got the beard down and everything!

  10. Gotta say this as well--shouldn't Kaylie have done the Nadia routine and Jordan the vault? Jordan's the power gymnast and Kaylie is the performer--she even did something similarly cutesy waaaay back in the very first episode, IIRC.

  11. Is anyone else even slightly worried that the second coach Montel Mac's (whom I'm calling coach M&M from now on) wife is out of town he invites another woman (ok, questionable) to a sleepover? I'm worried that the sexy nutritionist will discover leftovers from the fried chicken feast - then she'll be really upset, it's like double cheating on her....

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  13. Omg, I always love your comments! :) I was wondering though if you've ever written a recap on Stick it? Cause I was looking for it but couldn't find it...

  14. I don't know jack about gymnastics (other than that I developed a really unhealthy little fixation on Mary Lou Retton back in the day...yes, I'm that old, so go ahead & roll out the creepy meter). I only heard of the Make It Or Blow Me show because my niece wants the DVDs for her birthday (and found your blog via Wikipedia for MIOBM). I don't understand, oh, about 50% of what you write because I don't know any gymnastics terminology much more technical than, say, 'jump', 'leotard', or 'chalk'.

    All that notwithstanding...you are *seriously* fucking funny. Please tell me that you're being approached by....somebody...with job offers. The Onion? The 30 Rock writing staff? Whoever Matt Taibbi writes for?

    You are really, really good. Thanks for 20+ minutes of half-comprehending laughs.

  15. It occurs to me that in MIOBI world the top 6 US girls might be on the team and each win an individual gold medal. STranger things have happened on MIOBI.

  16. i can't wait for the next recap- their routines this week had ZERO continuity. ZERO!!!!!!!

  17. regina george, like in mean girls....make it or break it you are just great

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