i want lord tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.

These girls are as excited as I am. My apologies for being oh so late, but this week has been hellish.  Let's move on.  

It's 4am at the USATC, and Lowly Assistant Coach wakes everyone up to tell us that the Big O is very stressful.  Girl, don't I know it.  The girls stumble their way to the gym.  Inside, Wendy is on about something or other, demonstrating this episode's use of "hip" lingo.  "Pre-brekky"??  What does that even mean?  I feel like this is a very failed attempt at writing some Juno-type shit.  "It's totes bonding!"  That's not even English.  

No one warms up, but Kaylie goes to vault and rips out a FTY.  We know this because everyone stands around and watches her.  I guess at the USATC, everyone works out one at a time. 

Jordan and Kaylie have a cute little chat, where Jordan asks Kaylie about her folks.  I don't know why I liked that, but I did.  I actually buy that these two have a history and some tension.  The way Kaylie refers to "Coach Ray" gives me the booboo-jeebees.  I bet he's a molester.  Next, Lauren's double rips off what appears to be a HS front with a half?  I love the juxtaposition of Lauren and her double, the first of many obvious double shots that we'll see today.

Coach Mac (I can't be bothered to type McIntire over and over again) informs the group that from now on, they'll be paired up.  They'll have to train, eat, sleep, and shit with their partner.  Wendy's with Jordan, Kaylie's with the returning adult baby Kelly Parker, and Payson is stuck with... gulp... Lauren!

Big fucking deal.  Additionally, that picture of Nastia in the background is TOTES distracting.  Did I use that correctly?  Kelly's fucking PUMPED to be rooming with Kaylie.  She's super single white female now, instead of being the intense bitch we knew and loved.  Also, her hair is GIGANTIC. 

Unbelievable.  No way that hair would hold up in any sort of training situation.  They've also added some sort of Elvis bang sweep?  Whatever.  She theorizes that Coach Mac put them together because they're the top two.  Kaylie buys it.  Kelly asks about Jordan, and Kaylie explains that story that she and Jordan used to be BFF.  But somewhere down the line, Coach Ray liked Jordan more than Kaylie... MOLESTER!!!!  So creepy. 

Speaking of creepy, every episode there seems to be one scene that is just Coach Mac and his science-y wife being all creepy.  I don't get it.  

Back in the gym, Coach Mac reveals his grand plan for the girls.  Instead of training their planned routines, as there are only 8 weeks until the Olympics, each girl is to create a routine for her partner that caters to her strengths.  Surely, this is a more apt training plan than actual training.  After this challenge, one group of girls will be voted/kicked off the team. Not unlike America's Next Top Model.  

The girls break for "brekky" (THE FUCK??)  Austin struts as he strolls with Kaylie, and informs her that he signed them both up for a on-camera commentator class, also held at the USATC.  I guess this is college and not an Olympic training center.  I will say, this show does win some Spanny Tampson bonus points by name-dropping Bart Connor, instead of that awful drip Tim Daggett.  

Kaylie explains the whole new partnering situation, and Austin reminds her that "KP is one low-down slippery chick."  WHAT DECADE IS THIS???  Kaylie gets back to her room, and Kelly Parker is just sitting there, waiting for her, and calls her "Roomsy."  The. Fuck.  For whatever reason, Kaylie feels safe taking a shower, so after she leaves, Kelly goes rummaging through Kaylie's gym bag.  There's the adult baby we know and love!

Back at the gym, Kaylie is demonstrating some very difficult jumps.  Otherwise known as jump full turns.  

Look at that glorious form.  Lauren is trying to get Payson pumped over her new FX, but Payson just doesn't give a fuck anymore.  Not since she was dumped by a boy.  Oh good, I'm glad that's a lesson we're teaching kids.  Olympic dreams don't matter if you don't have a boyfriend, kids! 

Kaylie's double

VS Kaylie.  I love how she lands every stunt she does with her ass sticking out and her arms in front of her.  I get that's what you teach your preschool rec kids, but one really needn't do so after a Popa.  Oh, and ending with a triple turn into a Popa is "simple" in MIOBI-land.  But a FTY or whoosh-whoosh DM off of beam is very difficult.  

Kaylie has big dreams for Kelly, and assigns her to open her FX with a "double twisting front punch front."  It sounds pretty tough, so Kaylie offers to help her, since coaches do not exist.  Also, it's a fine idea to introduce new skills 8 weeks before the "Big O."  

There is a confrontation between Jordan and Kelly, but all I hear are random words that make no sense: Snoopy, mole, Teamy, bestie.  

Meanwhile, Lauren is pissed because she doesn't want to be dragged down by "Poopy Payson."  See, now that's my kind of dialogue.  All ages understand that.  Lauren easily figures out how to fix Payson: find her another boy!  Because a girl cannot live without a man in her life.  Remember that.  

After this comes our first appearance of a new MIOBI character: The Stalker.  We'll call her Jan.  Jan just LOVES the Rock girls, she loves running, she loves headbands, and she just loves life! 

Jan is in the background of every single scene.  

Once you see Jan, she cannot be unseen.  

Also taking a stroll outside is Lauren, who is dressed to the nines.  Seems a little strange for a walk in between workouts, but whatever.  

She is on the prowl for a replacement boyfriend for her sad loser-friend Payson.  She finds some short stubby kid, and goes for him, but he inexplicably has a super tall girlfriend.  

Lauren's next try is with Brad and Rigo, the biking boys from the last episode.  

Lauren's probably thinking of the Big O while she calls Brad "Braddy-kins."  Rigo is not amused.  

It's in this scene we see another background gaffe.  Or miracle.  Jan has a friend, we'll call him Peter.  In one shot, Peter is next to Jan, happily stretching away, which is all anyone seems to do on this campus. 

Peter with his blue shirt and green pants, next to crazy old Jan.  

But wait!  Who is in front of them, standing next to Payson's energy bar vending machine?  (Sidenote:  energy bar vending machine??  Really.)

What's up, Peter?  Well, maybe he just ran over there very fast.  This an Olympic training center, after all.  

Nope.  Now he's back with Jan.  Spanny Tampson: 1, Continuity Person: 0.

Lauren talks Brad into secretly bumping into Payson, so they can meet and fall in love.  He asks "Is she a paparazzi?  Because that would be awesome," and I don't understand what that means at all.  I feel so old.  I don't get the jokes in this episode.  

Also taking a break between workouts are Kaylie and Austin, who both appear to be wearing normal workout clothes.  While I have no clue what kind of dance she's doing, I appreciate the concept here.  Any current/former gymnast knows that it's impossible so stand on a ledge/curb/line/side of the pool and not do parts of your real/made up beam routine.  So to see Kaylie walking through hers was kind of cute.  Austin is actually quite hilarious, and trying out some of his made-up tag lines for their on-camera broadcasting class.  Among some of the options was "The chicken is in the pot!" which was obviously the best choice.  

Back at the gym, Lauren (in the same leotard as earlier?  Gross) and her double are doing a 1.5 into a double full, complete with full whoosh-whoosh noises.  Lauren is convinced that Payson is a genius, because she "never would have put my tumbling combination with a dance move ending."  Ah, a world where doing shitty leaps out of a pass doesn't exist.  And in this moment, I envy MIOBI-land.  But the Payson ruins my dream by detailing a plan to add a Shushunova to the 2.5.  Can you imagine the faceplants!  I might like that.  

Coach Mac calls for attention, but Jordan either ignores him or doesn't hear him, because she doesn't stop buttshelving on beam.  Coach gets pissed, and assigns an extra hour of conditioning for everyone.  

Does his belt have an M for McIntire?!

He's such a badass, but he lets Lauren go to the bathroom instead of doing windsprints like everyone else.  Why doesn't everyone just go to the bathroom right then?  Jesus.  Lauren uses her bathroom break to race out to the quad so she can tell Brad that they'll have to reschedule their scheduled bump-in with Payson to 4pm.  Jan is there.  Lauren tells Rigo to pass the message along to Brad, because who knows where he is.  

After conditioning, creepy Kelly finds Kaylie and gives her a present: almost matching GK leos.  Kelly actually says "FYI" (do people actually say that outloud??  Like, the actual letters) and tells Kaylie that the leo is customed, just like the ones she's used to.   She got Kaylie's measurements by going into her duffel bag, obvs.  See, that's disappointing to me.  I was hoping that Kelly was still a bitch, but turns out she's just a psycho instead.  All the psychotic behavior aside, Kaylie is kind of a snatch in this episode.  What should be disdain or distrust comes across as just being a staunchy bitch. 

When Jordan comes around the corner to taunt Kelly, I thought for sure that the old sassy bitch side of Kelly would emerge.  Nope.  Instead, we get this kind of dialogue: "Listen, you gypsy gymnast jerkface."  Oooh, that'll teach her.  

Also, her hair is still fucking huge. 

Payson is waiting in line for her post-workout coffee when Rigo comes racing down the stairs on his bike.  I didn't know BMX was an Olympic sport?  I guess it is now.  Some skinny bitches are falling all over themselves, and Payson, because that Rigo is just such a hot stud.  Jan is there.  Everyone's party is over when Rigo stops right at Payson's feet, and starts wooing her.  They sit down together for some coffee, and talk about stuff but I can't pay attention to what they're saying because all I see is Jan running back and forth in the background.  I do hear Payson mention that the wrestlers called the girls "Barbies" and Rigo laughs as if it's the most hilarious thing he's ever heard.  He really is trying to get laid.  Payson tries to jet, but Rigo insists on giving her a ride home.  Cue sappy montage of them being cute and nerdy.  

Jan is there.  

She is there IN THE REFLECTION OF THE DORM DOORS.  She is obviously waiting for Payson. 

Lauren, who changed back out of her leo into the same outfit she was wearing before (gross), is having a follow up meeting with the sexy team nutritionist regarding her dizzy spells from last week.  

Shoulder pads, really?  

Lauren lies and says that there haven't been any more spells, and that she feels just great.  Sexy Nutritionist goes ahead and cancels the full body scan (?????) that she had planned for Lauren.  

Back in the dorms, Kaylie is trying on the customed leo that Kelly bought for her.  She hates it, and snarls and makes faces just like the entitled ungrateful bitch that she has become.  

After trying on her leo, she meets up with Lauren and Payson at the quad, or wherever it is that these hip young athletes hang out at night.  Payson gets up to get a beverage, while Lauren informs Kaylie that she went ahead and found Payson a replacement boy, and now everything was better.  

Turns out Lauren knows Payson better than Kaylie does, which really frosts Kaylie's cookies.  Instead of being BFFs, Kaylie's stuck with that psycho Kelly Parker who does nothing but buys her expensive leotards as gifts.  But you guys, those spendy leos are 3/4 sleeves, which get stuck in Kaylie's hairy arms, so that's just the worst thing ever!! 

Wendy overhears all of this, and skips over to Jordan, who abandons her immediately.  

Why are people on this show so rude?  Jeez.  

Following dinner is one of the best scenes MIOBI has ever produced.  I am dead serious.  Kaylie and Austin roll up to their camera class, where Austin admits to Kaylie that he lost his Cobalt endorsement.  Something about not being slutty enough.  That's why he's so anal about this hosting business, because he's got to pay the bills somehow.  It's a good thing that he's fucking BRILLIANT at it!

OMG, his face.  I can't even.  He sucks so so so so bad, and Kaylie's all natural and good at it, so of course the teacher offers her a job from ESPN (??) right in front of Austin.  He's all butthurt and runs off. 

 The next day at the gym, Kelly is attempting, and failing, at her opening 2.5 pass.  I guess they're ditching the front 2/1 punch front?

She plants, and I guess the floor is directly on top of the UB mats.  Good thing no one was dismounting from bars.  Kaylie offers to help her on the move, since coaches don't exist, but Kelly insists that she totally has the move, she just doesn't have it right NOW.  

 OMG, her hair is getting BIGGER. Kelly's dialogue is just so weird and unbelievable in this episode.  "And you and I are winners, girl!"  It's like she's not even the same character.  

Lauren is back in the dorms, looking at porn while wearing a negligee.  

Payson walks in, fresh from a shower, and Lauren is all pumped to give her a makeover.  Payson blows her off, with what seems to be a recurring reaction this episode.  Kelly is genuinely nice to Kaylie, Kaylie's a bitch.  Wendy is genuinely nice to Jordan, Jordan's a bitch.  Lauren is for the first time ever genuinely nice to Payson, and Payson's a bitch. 

Lauren is oblivious, and insists on giving Payson that makeover.  Plus, she has a top that will look "mad sexy" on Payson.  IS THIS 1991????

Payson is actually pretty thrilled with her makeover, as she should be, and casually mentions that Rigo has a bike.  Lauren is confused, because Payson was supposed to be boning Brad, not that riff raff Rigo.  She lets it slip that the whole thing was a setup, so Payson flips out and smears Lauren's head with what I am hoping is hair gel.  A dumb fight ensues, where Lauren looks like she's trying her hardest just not to crack up.  

Payson storms off to find Rigo, and chews him out, all the while looking like a clown sim.  He calms her down with some hip lingo stolen right from the script of Bill and Ted.  "... a chance to meet one of the fieriest babes I have ever come across."  Fiery babe?  Stud?  Chicks?  WHAT IS THIS??? 

All is well now, so when Payson returns to the dorm, she apologizes to Lauren, and they're BFFs again.  Lauren seems so genuinely happy for Payson, which is sweet, and I'm sure it means Lauren will at some point be boning Rigo.  

It's finally "Show Everyone Your Fake Mini FX Routine" day at the gym.  Kelly is yelling at her "teamy" to hurry up, because they'll be late to the shitshow.  Kaylie comes racing out in a normal leotard, and not the hot pink mess that Kelly bought her.

That bitch.  Is there anything worse than being the only one at workout wearing a competition leo?  It reminds me of being young, and being the one kid stuck wearing snow boots all day at school because you forgot to bring your tennis shoes. 

At the gym, Coach Mac explains how this'll all be going down.  At the end of the day, he'll rank the girls as teams, and one team will be sent home.  This is just like Paradise Hotel.  

Lauren and Payson are up first.  Payson reminds Lauren "not to lose your shimmer on turn sequence," whatever that means.  Oh, and also to "Bring it, sister!"  What teenagers call each other sister?  Did a 70 year old woman write this episode?  

First up: Lauren.  Notice Lauren vs. her double.  It's not obvious or anything. 

From what I can tell, these routines consist of one tumbling pass, some leaps, and may or may not have choreography.  None have starting poses, I don't think.  

Up next is Payson. 

Nice wig there.  Wowzers, Payson does not one, not two, but THREE illusions in a row, HOLY FUCKING MOLY.  She runs off the floor and hugs Lauren, which totally rubs Kaylie the wrong way.  She's so left out, boo hoo.  

Jordan is next in line, and shows us some dancing that makes Aly Raisman look like freaking Khorkina. 

Those are some fine disco arms you have there.  I love seeing all of the girls lined up in the background, and how all of their leotards fit.  They don't have them cut up to their armpits the way real elites do.  Except Lauren.  For whatever reason, hers is still cut like a stripper.  

Jordan is followed by Wendy, who confuses me.  I almost think she might have some sort of a dance background, evidenced by her finish here.  But I'm not entirely sure.  

She also seems able to hit a real cat leap position, whereas everyone else's looks filthy, so who knows?

Now it's Kelly's turn.  No starting pose, she just sprints into her 2.5, which she faceplants.  

It was probably the hair.  She follows up with leaps so horrid, I thought she was trying to blow the routine in order to bring down Kaylie, as like a plot point.  

Nope.  They were just legitimately bad.  Kelly finishes, and no one says a word as Kaylie begins her FX. 

I love how Kaylie bulks up and gains about 15 lbs every time she steps onto the floor.  Apparently, Kaylie blew off the planned routine Kelly made up for her, and just started doing her own thing, which pisses the coaches off.  

Following the atrocious floor routines, Coach Mac reveals the new rankings.  Team Random Extras is first, followed by Lauren and Payson.  Below them is Jordan and Wendy, while Kaylie and Kelly are third to last. 

Jordan runs up to Coach Mac to ask if she can stay, and he's all "Look at the fucking board.  You're on it.  Obviously you're staying."  Then it's Kaylie's turn to whine to Coach Mac, as she asks how she could possibly be so low on the pyramid.  He calls Kelly over, and tells them to stop being whiny brats and start trusting each other.  Trust, not skills, makes Olympians.  Kaylie longingly looks over at Lauren and Payson, who haven't a care in the world.  Kelly's not stupid, and tells Kaylie that she knows she'll never be one of those stupid Rock girls.  She also calls Kaylie out for being such a bitch about the two of them being paired up, when Kelly was so excited about it.  

Kaylie opens about about the hairy arms leotard thing, they laugh, and everything's all better.  Oh, but not before ending with the phrase "It's you and me, girl.  All the way."  No.  Just no.  

Lessons learned this week?

1. Boys make the world go 'round.  You cannot be a happy, successful woman without a boy in your life. 

2. Be a huge bitch to those who try to do nice things for you. 

3. It's actually the 90s, and we should speak to each other as such. 

4.  Jan is there.  She is always there.  

Until next week (which is actually tonight) may your arms be hairy and your 2.5s faceplant-free!