you think wonder woman hugs the cheetah before the amazonian smackdown?

I have been meaning to write a million different things regarding Worlds for the past week, but I have been far too drugged up to focus on the computer screen for minutes at a time, let alone write strings of words.  However, one week post-op has left me feeling fine, and with a clear head I can say:

WHAT THE FUDGE? 

Seriously.  Now, I may have been hallucinating on and off, but even in the grip of my hallucination, I was able to understand that the American girls absolutely destroyed the team competition.  From prelims to finals, those six girls (yes, six.  #teamannali) annihilated every other country on the planet.  With a 100% hit record, I thought it was pretty obvious that the best team won.  For once, we had a drama-free competition where the champions won because they were the best, not because of meltdowns or shady scoring. 

Despite such a great competition, somehow the internet still managed to explode with people who lost their minds. 

To be fair, the insanity started well before the competition, with the untimely leg-busting from Alicia Sacramone.  Sigh.  It just shouldn't have happened.  What else is there to say?  Apparently, a whole lot, because the gym world lost its marbles.  I do not like Martha Karolyi.  I do not support Martha Karolyi.  I think the selection procedures are out of whack, and are the direct cause of many injuries.  Her system is outdated, and if not for a seemingly bottomless pool of depth, USAG would be so very screwed. 

That said, I don't think Martha is evil.  I don't think she wakes up every morning, and asks herself "Hmmm.  How can I destroy a little girl's dreams today?"  Rumor ran rampant in the days following Alicia's injury, where nameless sources claimed Martha, upon seeing Alicia crumple on the floor, told her she hated her, and to stop acting like a baby.  They claim that Martha said, verbatim, "I hate you."

A couple of things here.  I can't understand what Martha says, ever.  I don't understand how she has been in the country for 30 years and still manages to speak with the thickest accent imaginable.  Despite that, we're to believe that our unnamed source was able to not only hear Martha, but able to decipher what she said during the intense moments following Alicia's injury.  I don't buy it. 

But I get it, it's fun to hate on Martha.  Certain gymnastics communities are calling for Martha's head, all but predicting her impending arrest, and subsequent burning down of the ranch.  I wish I could say I was being funny and facetious, but I'm not.  They really believe that the police are coming to Tokyo to get Martha, and will award the defunct ranch to the members of the gymnastics community.  Whatever.

I can't pretend to know how selection works, especially when it comes to lineups and such.  What I do know is Anna Li got fucked.  And I'm not happy about it.  It's not surprising, however, that despite bending over and taking it from Martha, Anna composed herself in the classiest way possible.  Seriously, I can't get over how composed this girl has been, and how well she has handled herself.  The effect she has had over Gabby Douglas alone is immeasurable. 

I am thrilled that Anna was on the podium, and accepted HER medal.  I think Alicia being kept on the team was... weird, but if USAG wants to give her a medal, then that's great.  Sac has busted her ass for this country, so it's the least they could do.  However, I desperately hope that they give the "extra" 7th medal to Alicia, and allow Anna to keep hers.  I imagine Sac doesn't give a crap about which medal she gets. 

Despite the lack of Anna, prelims were AMAZING.  Gabby freaking Douglas, 5th place AA!  I totally thought that was the drugs, but nope, that was real life.  In real life, all 5 girls nailed the shit out of the AA.  Unbelievable. 

What a weird meet though.  I can't accept that only ONE medalist from 2010 has the chance to win another medal.  No Porgras, no Tweddle, no Mitchell?  Again, this is real life. 

The all around competition is in roughly seven hours.  Words cannot describe how pumped I am.  For the first time in a long while, we have two super legit contenders for the gold.  Komova destroyed prelims, beating an off Wieber with "only" a DTY.  I am so endlessly happy that Vika has not chucked that Amanar.  I can only pray that she does not choose to do so tonight, because I fear for her life/knee if she does.  Russia doesn't really have the best track record when it comes to chucking.  After her meltdown in TF, I would hope that the team realizes that she's not physically ready for this vault.  And she's already proven that she can do well without it.

This fact has been another source of internet insanity.  The entire gymnastics world loves Komova, as well they should.  She embodies everything beautiful and lovely about the sport.  Her first place qualification gave fuel to artistry trolls all over the world.  Yes, she was amazing, and she had the meet of her life. 

What people don't seem to understand is that while Komova had the meet of her life, Wieber had a few small misses.  Misses that she already took care of in team finals.  In order to win, Komova will have to repeat her perfect meet, while Jordyn really only needs to fix up a few things.  Also, team finals showed us that Vika is certainly not invincible.  As of right now, I give the edge to Jordyn. 

The same people who belittle Jordyn because she's just not Soviet are in arms because John Geddert has the audacity to post openly on his private blog.  He accurately pointed out that despite being touched by her coach, the judges decided not to deduct for it.  He called out the judges.  Given the reaction on the internet, you'd think that he called up Komova personally and called her fat.  How dare he say anything about Russia at all, seeing as how his team wiped up the floor with theirs.  He's just keeping it real.  I have a hard time imagining that any of the actual Russians would be half as butthurt as some of the Russian fans. 

The Russian loss has really brought out the soreness in the gymnastics community.  Yes, Vika is clearly operating at a fraction of her potential, and yes, Demy is sick with a seemingly life-threatening 103 fever.  Yes, Mustafina busted her ACL seven months ago.  None of that changes that fact that the Americans hit every single routine they put out there.  People are desperate to rationalize such an extraordinary win. 

I don't understand how, as fans of gymnastics, people can't appreciate that this meet was won with hit routines.  It was not won by who fell the least, or who was able to chuck the most.  Is this not what we have been begging for for years?

We can only hope for the same level of greatness for the AA.  As long as the scores are fair and the Amanars are not chucked, I will be happy with whoever comes out on top. 

That said, #teamwieber

students that ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shot should see the school nurse immediately.

I know it's a day late, but whatever, it still counts.  This is as big of a WTF as any. 

This is frightening on several levels. 

First of which, this comes from a seemingly professional, legitimate publication.  It's the Gymnastika magazine, which in itself is awesome because lord knows I'd love for the US to come out with an in-depth gymnastics magazine that was more about gymnastics and less about Chellsie Memmel brand mats or whatever stupid ads the pages are filled with.  This picture was included above a calendar, which leads us to ask

Why does a seemingly professional have a bunch of teenage girls trying to pull off a sexy calendar look? 

If this was, in fact, the goal, then they missed it.  Big time.  The exception of course being Kurbatova.  She's just divine.  I love her dress, and the heels.  She looks like a classy Macy's business suit model. 

The other girls though, YIKES YIKES.  We've all seen them dressed up in their classiest club wear before.  It seems to be the Russian Facebook photo de-jour.  And if you put on your tightest blackest dress, then obviously you need the heels to match.  But why in the world are they on the beam in these things?  Mary Lee Tracy won't even let her girls put chalk on the beam, let alone stomp around in their clod-hoppers.  This is all sorts of wrong.

I'm going to play Tyra for a moment, as a female is who older and therefore much, much wiser.

Musty- Do you have a bellyache?  Unless this is the case, do not pose like that.  Legs together missy. 

Semy- Burn that hat.  I've seen it several times now, and it is not acceptable.  Also, the thick straps on your shoes make your legs look stumpy.

Nabs- I like the bangs pulled back.  Do this more often.  Why are you leaning forward and sticking your rump out?  You don't do this in gym, and you shouldn't do it in real life.  Also, white shoes do not go with a black and red dress. 

Demy- Sigh. 

Afan-  You need to stay away from strapless.  When you shrug your shoulders all the way up to your ears, it makes them look even bigger.  The black tights together with those horrible strappy shoes really cut off the leg line. 

Kurbs- You are perfect and I love you. 

Hopefully some real gymnastics news comes out soon so I have something to do other than rip on teenage girls for their terrible fashion choices. 

i'm like a lizard. i need something warm beneath me or else i can't digest my food.

Worlds need to happen like, NOW.  Or else I'm going to keep plugging out Bring It On themed montages. 

You've been warned. 

no one's pure evil! i mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

A gymnastics cold war is coming.  Do you hear it?

"Ugh, but Bross isn't ARTISTIC!"

"Have you SEEN Nabieva's vault?  BARF CITY!"

"Dude, once Komova and Grishina become legal, ho boy, you don't even know.  You don't even KNOW!"

"Whatever, you dumb Commies.  Have fun crying while your team blows the gold medal, AGAIN." 

"Whatever DUDE.  The Americans have blown the last two Olympics golds, IDIOT."

 All countries have their strengths and weaknesses, their stars and their headcases.  Some are what we like to call "code-whores" and win all of the time, and then there are those who are beautiful and unique, but never win, because beautiful and unique doesn't really mean shit anymore in gymnastics.  With all of these CRAZY differences, will there ever be one universal issue that spans all countries equally?  That all fans can bash each other over in fairness?

Yes, my friends.  And that issue is

BUTT SHELVES. 

Obviously, the Americans are HUGE offenders of the butt shelf.  

 But how do the other countries stack up?

The Russians have come into some shelving of their own.  Semy, our own saucy little bitch of a minx, has quite the butt shelf.  

They seem to have a quite literal interpretation of the word "shelf."  I could literally stack a bunch of books on Semy's ass.

The other girls seem to have gotten the memo.  Here we see different levels of assstickouttitude.

The Americans and the Russians are frequent offenders of the butt shelf rule, it's true.  However....

The Romanians wrote the BOOK on butt shelves.

These are your more traditional examples of the butt shelf.  The Romanians, however, have an even more aggressive model-

The bend over.

I just, I don't even know what to say about that.  I suppose we've seen stranger poses on beam.  Or Bross' floor.  To each their own.

As always, there seems to be a little Romanian influence on our wee Chinese ones.

So there you have it.  International butt shelves, the universal issue.

maybe i should have covered my mouth when i sneezed blood the second time

I spend a lot of time on the internet, it's no secret.  Much of that time is spent chatting on gym boards, or catching up on the latest and greatest gym vids.  So, if you're as much of an obsessed follower as I am, there is  no avoiding the endless debate going round and round and round.  Russia vs. America.  Think about it.  Gutsu vs. Miller.  Mag 7 vs. the crying silver medal Russian team.  Patterson vs. Khorkina.  Weiber vs. Komova.  And of course, Bross vs. Mustafina.

Now, the general consensus is while the Americans are more powerful and consistent, the Russians are clearly more artistic.  There's no argument on floor.  The Russians are obviously on the fast track to awesome town, while, short of Mattie Larson, the Americans need serious help.  But, the tables turn on vault.  Aside from one stuck Amanar that we've seen, the Russians are... how to say this politely... iffy.  Meanwhile, the US has some monsters on the event.  Good monsters, like Lady Gaga monsters.

But then there's beam.  Good old beam, who separates the winners from the losers.  However, what if the two gymnasts in question are EXACTLY THE SAME on beam?

Take Bross and Mustafina.  People argue that Bross has no artistry, while Musty is the pillar of Russian beauty.  People marvel that Bross is the pinnacle of consistency, while Musty is hit or miss.  Execution, form, fall, stick, BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

Hasn't anyone else noticed that they do essentially the same routine?

I mean, let this be a testament to modern gymnastics.  We thought Romania circa 1993-2000 had cookie cutter routines?  WRONG.  Those are creative masterpieces compared to what we've got today. 

So yeah, fight to the death over who will emerge victorious come this year's worlds.  But I think they're kind of exactly alike.





*I got the idea from this awesome Cata v Patterson montage.  We need more comparison videos!