i even had a sex dream about a shrub that was in the shape of a person.

Happy Make It or Break It Recap Day!  Did you get to spend a nice hour feeling sufficiently uncomfortable?  I know I did. 

Every week, I like to think that this show could not possibly get any worse, any more awkward or any more ass backwards, and every week I am proven wrong. 

Speaking of ass, this week starts us off with Lauren checking out yet another one of the guys ABC Family tries to convince us is attractive.  He ain't.

That doesn't keep Lauren from staring at his good stuff while participating in one of those "compliment circles."  Payson is in the middle, and everyone is blowing smoke up her butt about how STRONG she is, and how talented she is.  She doesn't give a crap, and neither do we.  So she also takes a moment to check out the unattractive new boy on the rings. 

The exercise turns into a huge bust when Lauren gets in the middle, and everyone calls her out for being a huge homewrecking slut.  Fake Dawes decides to switch things up a bit by starting a NEW time-wasting exercise.  This time, she wants all the girls to buddy up, and switch routines.  Switch skills, choreography, everything.  Well that sounds like a fine idea.  I'm sure it's very wise to pretend to be someone else and chuck a bunch of skills you've never done before.  Of course, Payson and Lauren are paired up, so Payson will have to learn to be slutty, and Lauren will have to learn to not be a horrible snatch every minute of every day. 

Emily doesn't even bother trying to pair up with anyone, she just immediately waddles over to Fake Dawes and complains about not having a partner.  Never fear, because Emily can partner with Coach Fake Dawes herself!  After all, part of her job description is to play on the equipment and rehash her glory days.  And she DID win the Pacific Coast Classic, whatever the fuck that is, about ten years ago.  So wowee.  Emily, being Emily, begins to bitch and moan, until Fake Dawes shuts her up by saying she needs to sit down and STFU, because she's running out of chances.  That Emily is just such a rabble rouser! 

Next, we find ourselves attending some sort of recovery meeting with Kaylie, and a host of other misfits.  One particular misfit is giving a cliched monologue about wanting to be perfect.  I am bored, and Kaylie is too. 

We need some Skinny Minny on the scene, STAT, because I pretty much hate every other person on this show.  Especially the monologue misfit, who stalks Kaylie after the meeting, and tells her how much she loves gymnastics.  She/Joan Ryan asks if all gymnasts really have eating disorders, and Kaylie shuts her down by telling her how fucking stupid it is to assume that. 

Thankfully, for Kaylie and myself, the Minnster shows up at that exact moment, fresh out of rehab.  She kidnaps Kaylie so they can go work off some of that rehab fat.

We're back at the Rock, and in the first of many, many ass/crotch shots in this episode, we see that Lauren has taken a note from Carly Patterson and purchased herself a child's leotard that is seven sizes too small.  The girls are still whining about having to do this routine swap thing, which I would be doing too, since it is pretty fucking stupid.  Lauren admonishes Payson because she hasn't yet learned how to approach the sport as a grown woman.  This is when the episode shows heavy signs of Bruno Grandi-ism, in that it seems to be pushing for these high school girls to be as sexy as possible. 

The unattractive new boy saunters up to the girls, and after Lauren pretty much sprays herself on him, Payson gives us one of her patented creepy smiles.

Lauren's not about to let some creepy smile steal her new man, so she calls dibs on the kid, so that she may continue her quest to bone every single thing in sight.

Back at the Tanner household, Daddy finds the full DVD of Payson kissing Sasha and burns a copy, while flaring his nostrils a bunch of times.

Kaylie and Skinny Minny attempt to sweat off some of that rehab fat they gained.  Skinny Minny explains how the clock is ticking, as professional models have a very limited window of opportunity in which to make the big bucks.  Kaylie can definitely relate, and worries about wasting time while her parents are keeping her out of the gym.  Skinny Minny, in a subtle, realistic way offers Kaylie some over-the-counter asthma medication, which keeps her energized, and "not munchy." 

I actually quite loved this moment.  I mean, not for what it's saying.  Jacking other people's drugs is bad.  But the nonchalance, the every-day reality of being offered someone's medication seemed pretty accurate to me.  This, coming after the whole "Payson's gonna stab herself in the back with street cortisone" fiasco, was rather refreshing. 

Kaylie is a champ though, and politely declines the meds.  They briefly discuss Austin Tucker, and how sad it is that his sister had a "real" eating disorder.  Kaylie regrets fake-admitting that she had a problem, because now her parents think she, in fact, has a real problem.  Skinny Minny, ever the friend, tells her to turn her parents against her therapist, and she'll be back at the gym in no time. 

Speaking of the Rock, we get back just in time to see Fake Dawes reliving her glory days by showing Emily her horrifically cheesy floor routine from the 2002 Pacific Coast Classic, whatever the fuck that is. 

Props to the actress though, for showing us her own leap, although I have no idea what that leap would actually be called.  I love how in the background, the random extras are lounging on the beams, as the kids at the Rock are inclined to do.  Then, a half second later, a different girl is mid-routine on the beam, and another girl is doing some weird squat position that we see several other times in the episode.  FAIL, editors.  It's called continuity. 

Over by the beams, we see someone who is very obviously NOT Payson do some back handsprings.

Lauren is on her beam, showing Payson her "sexy" routine, which includes moments such as the body roll (which is actually quite nice, done by the actress herself,) the excessive butt shaking, some bending forward, and then a horrible split on the beam with unsquare hips. 

Payson tries to mimic the routine, but just isn't sexy enough!  Whatever will she do?

Lauren notices the boys watching, so she shows them, and us, her crotch a couple of times. 

Austin Tucker moseys on over to Payson, and gives her some creep ass schpiel about her being afraid of being sexy, and how he can totally help her with that.  Again, I'm pretty fuzzy with ages in this show, but I'm pretty sure he's like 21, and she's about 16. 

Emily stomps home, late from practice, and greets her awesome mother full of piss and vinegar.  She stalks Demon's webpage, and then cries about how horrible her life is.  Bitchface Chloe tries to make her feel better, but Emily is a huge snotty brat, and takes everything her mother says the wrong way, until Bitchface Chloe snaps and gives her an awesome bitchface. 

As if she can't figure out why Emily is *just now* becoming a huge insufferable bitch.  Oh, yeah, it's totally the pregnancy hormones doing this.  Like she wasn't a horrible child before all that.  I'm going to be pissed if they blame her whole attitude, the one she's had since the beginning of the show, on being knocked up. 

Over at Case de Cruz real quick, Kaylie attempts to turn her parents against her therapist, while the Crypt Keeper wears a fur vest. 

At the Tanner household, Daddy is sitting on the couch, staring at the DVD he burned, which proves that Sasha was right all along, and that his daughter is a horrible human being.  Lauren comes home, and freaks at Daddy for stealing the DVD.  He threatens to tell on her, but Lauren calls his bluff, because telling on her would mean telling Summer, and Summer freaks out and runs off at any situation which is less than Godly and perfect.  So pretty much, Daddy yet again gets the shit manipulated out of him.  

Payson gets home, and practices being "sexy" in front of the mirror in her bedroom.  I love how she has pics of the 2007 World team taped up there.  Also, what appears to be Sam P. comforting ASac after she fell in 2008?  What an odd moment to have taped on your mirror.  Payson asks her mom about being "sexy," to which her mother replies that yeah, she's just not sexy.  Then she checks out her own ass in the mirror, and walks off.  Payson places a 911 call to who we find out is Austin, finally asking him for that "sexy" help he had so kindly offered earlier. 

Payson and Austin meet up alone at the gym after hours, which I'm sure is normal and totally allowed.  Payson gets on beam, and attempts to do Lauren's routine, which obviously she totally fails at.  She did get the crotch shot in there though. 

Creepy Austin Tucker asks Payson what turns her on.  You cannot make this stuff up, people.  He has her smell a couple of random viles that he must carry around with him, and then makes some judgments based off of her liking the smell of cider, but not vanilla. 

He then continues the creepiness by asking her to focus on her "second chakra," ie, her crotch. 

According to the wise and molestery Austin Tucker, the "second chakra" holds the center for sexuality, creativity, and self worth. 

Lemme make sure I have this straight.  My creativity and self worth come from my crotch?  I do hope children are watching this. 

Austin then suddenly becomes Miss Jay, and tries to teach Payson to walk like the sexy beast every 16 year old should be.

Austin finishes up by telling Payson to get down on all fours.  Um, for future reference Austin, most girls need a little talking into before they drop down like a dog.  But not Payson here.  They both get on all fours, and act like cats until Payson catches on that this is creepy as hell and gets the fuck out of dodge.  She admits that she will never be sexy like Lauren, and if that means she doesn't win, then so be it.  You go Glen Coco Payson. 

Back for some Skinny Minny time at Casa de Cruz.  Skinny is visiting for dinner, during which she and Kaylie manage to pick at their food and never really eat any of it.  She shmoozes with Papa and the Crypt Keeper, convincing them that the therapist is full of crap, and Kaylie needs to return to the gym ASAP. 

Also having a lovely family dinner, the Tanners plus Summer are discussing whatever it is rich people blather on about over dinner.  Wine vintages, probably.  Summer asks Daddy what he's so uptight about, and he moans that he raised a horrible excuse for a daughter, and wonders how Summer is so perfect and amazing.  God, obviously. 

The following day, we're at the Kmetko's, where Emily (blech) is being a snotty little teenager and snooping through her mother's purse for no apparent reason other than just to be a horrible child.  She stumbles upon Bitchface Chloe's "Bambi" nametag, and a napkin for "Bodacious Boulders," the *gasp* STRIP CLUB that her mother works at.  OHNOES! 

At the Rock, Lauren is going to just throw Payson's UB routine, as elite gymnasts do from time to time.  You know, chuck some high difficulty dismounts that they don't normally work on.  Notice how when Lauren's double does the full-in, she flings it way out and just about falls forward.  But when Lauren "sticks" it, she's just a hop away from the high bar.  Funny how that works.  Also, notice the extras in the background.  I'm pretty sure the guy in the red turned into a chick. 

Austin again approaches Payson, but this time admits that he was a perverted scumbag, and tells Payson that she is, in fact, sexy.  She admits that she's not, but will "fake" being sexy Lauren with military precision.  They talk about Kaylie for a hot second, when behold, Kaylie walks into the gym.  She and Austin have some little bitch fit, and then she marches back outside to tell Skinny Minny all about it.  Skinny tells Kaylie to go for Austin, go for her dreams, remember to not eat, etc and so on.  No time for dilly dallying, because Skinny is off to Milan!  And as she drives off, Kaylie reaches out one hand, and lets the tip of her fingers remember the feel of her best friend's car as she slowly drives away.  Yeah, I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen to that friend.  Jeez, give it away much. 

Emily, who has not been seen doing gymnastics once in the past three episodes, blows off practice because she absolutely MUST find out where her mother is working.  She somehow gets into the strip club, in the middle of the day, I might add.  I thought Bitchface Chloe worked at night?  I know it's daytime because she just left the gym, and also there are some BEAT strippers working the poles. 

Bitchface Chloe, who is BARTENDING and not even stripping, sees Emily and just about shits herself.  Emily has the typical bitch fit, and whines and moans how this somehow affects HER, as if her mother got some low rent bartending job just to piss her daughter off. 

This scene here just brought Emily to the top of my most-hated characters list, maybe tied with Lauren.  I don't know, I might actually hate Emily more.

If her mother was a hooker, then *maybe* I could see where Emily would get off as being concerned.  However, that isn't the case.  She's a bartender who shows off her jugs in order to support her whiny ass daughter's stupid dream that she's going to throw away by getting knocked up anyway.  She then has the AUDACITY to sass off, and guilt trip the talented, vivacious Bitchface Chloe, who is working tirelessly to support her daughter's shitty little lifestyle.  I hate Emily.  Yup, she is my #1 hated right now. 

I also love how the show is too cheap to pay to use the liquor brands on the show, so they erased to "O" in Stoli, and turned the other bottles around.  Check it in the second pic.

Meanwhile, the gym goes on with their stupid "copy my routine" bullshit in the name of team building.  Lauren performs Payson's UB routine, without much in it, other than the fab hecht 1/2 transition from the 1989-1992 compulsory routine.  I do wish we'd see more of that skill these days. 

Next, it is Payson's turn to do Lauren's beam routine.  Everyone wonders where Payson is, until we hear the "sexy" music start.  Here comes Payson, all dolled up like Lauren, with the Nastia high ponytail and everything. 

She struts over to beam, and even I have to admit, she doesn't look bad.  Lauren looks like a tool when she wears the ponytail and makeup, while Payson looks super cute. 

Payson gets on beam, and does all the sassy, "sexy" things that Lauren does, but just a lot better.  I love the head kick, which proves that the actress who plays Payson might have actually been some sort of ballerina, as was widely reported.  I was kind of digging her cute routine, until she tossed in the most massive butt shelf I have ever seen.  That pretty much ruined it for me.

That's probably what I looked like as I was watching.  Or maybe like this.

Despite being totally embarrassed, Payson is pretty pumped by her ability to slut it up as needed.  She is rewarded when the unattractive new guy asked her to go with him to Moose Juice.  She declines, mentioning she has to go visit a friend, but offers to take a rain check.

Daddy comes into the gym with the forbidden DVD with the intent of finally telling Summer and ruining that bitch Lauren's life, once and for all.  Lauren freaks the fuck out, and cries and moans and further manipulates her father, until he once again caves in like the pussy he is.  Lauren cries it up real nice, in the first of what I like to call our "Crying Trifecta."

Next on the list is Emily.  Gross, she is the "friend" Payson was talking about.  Payson, being a good friend, comes over so that Emily can piss and whine about how her life is SO horrible, and how absolutely dreadful it is that her mother got such an unsavory job.   Payson tells her to STFU, and that most people deal with having some fucked up lives.  She mentions herself, never getting to see her Dad because he works in Minnesota (HEYO!) so that he can pay for her back surgery.  Oh remember that?  Yeah, snapping your back might be a tad worse than your mom having a job you don't approve of.  Next, Payson mentions Kaylie, who is also kind of messed up right now.  Emily waves that off, saying it's different, because Kaylie doesn't matter and Emily does.  Emily then breaks down, in what is shockingly a rather honest moment.  She admits that she boinked Demon, and that she's in love with him.  What was a nice moment evaporates immediately and Emily again becomes the self-centered bitch that she normally is.  Payson tries to dumb it down for her, and explains yet again that they are special kids who are giving up their lives in order to achieve their dreams.  How many times is Emily going to need to hear that before the DUMB BITCH UNDERSTANDS??  I swear, it's like Groundhog's Day in the Kmetko household. 

And wrapping up our Trifecta of Tears, Kaylie has another meltdown after her parents maintain that she is not allowed to return to training.  She tries to call Skinny Minny for support, but learns that, in the shocker of all shockers, Skinny Minny up and died in the middle of the Denver airport.  Dammit.  Go figure they'd kill off the one person I like.  If they do anything to Bitchface Chloe, I will stop watching this show. 

And there you have it.  Lots of tears, even more crotch, and so little gymnastics.  Now I'm off to take a hot shower, as I'm feeling pretty dirty for having watched this episode at all.