A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

the only straight i am is straight up bitch.


Hello friends!  Sorry for the delay, but two days and one new DirecTV box later (peace out Comcast, you price-gouging assholes) we are here, ready to relive the GLORY that is Make It or Break It. 

Let us not wait.  If you'll remember, last week left us with Payson sassing off to Fake Dawes, which resulted in her stomping away from the team.  All has been forgotten though, as Fake Dawes prepares to take her team to Worlds/mysterious pre-Worlds meet.  We find out that this pre-meet is an Eastern European Invite, which the USA is inexplicably invited to.  Prior to leaving, Payson is hunting for her mother in the Rock office, where she happens upon a letter addressed to Sasha in *gasp* Romania!  Payson quickly memorizes the address. 

Fake Dawes is getting chewed out by Daddy, who for some reason blames the coach for his daughter being a lousy gymnast, and almost always blowing away her chances to succeed in the sport.  Something clicks in Fake Dawes, and she immediately turns into a mega-bitch super coach.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about it.

Running late, per usual, are the Kmetkos.  Bitchface Chloe, in all of her glory, is about to run out the door when who should appear but Demon, who is wondering why Emily is ignoring him.  Since this kid is ruining all of our lives, Bitchface Chloe tosses him an awesome bitchface.


Emily immediately becomes an irrational bitch, and asks Demon what is up with Kaylie.  She tells him he'd better not say "Nothing," even though nothing has happened.  He looks confused, as do I, because as of yet, exactly nothing has happened. 


Emily's all butthurt because Kaylie didn't come to her with any of her problems.  Um, maybe that's because you compared having to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet to having a life threatening mental illness, I don't know.  This cooze throws out the sex card, to which Demon replies with his best William Shatner impression.

"I love........you."

They break up, thank God, and Demon retreats to his apartment above the rave, while Emily is off to the airport.  At the airport, Daddy gives Lauren a credit card, and of course Summer admonishes him for doing so, since she is now aware the Lauren is a conniving little slut. 

Bitchface Chloe rolls up with Emily, drops her off, and doesn't even turn around to say goodbye.  She runs off to the car ASAP, probably so she can get away from her miserable daughter. 

Now that the girls are all present, Fake Dawes gives them her new "mean coach" speech.  She tells the to shape up or ship out, and immediately Emily has beef with it, probably because she thinks she's entitled to be treated differently than every other gymnast in the country.  Payson's mom is all like "WHOA!" and acts surprised.


Payson reassures the girls that they don't have to deal with mean Fake Dawes much longer.  Lauren claps to herself, and Emily continues to look all emotional and pissy.

Missing out on the meet is Kaylie, who is in the midst of recovery.  Since she's now terrified of dying like poor Skinny Minny, she is finally taking therapy seriously, and spilling her guts to the googly-eyed therapist. 


Googly-eyes asks her point blank, why did she stop eating?  Kaylie has no clue, so Googly tells her to write down EVERY thought and emotion she has, and eventually she'll come up with the answer.

The girls are on the first leg of their flight to Budapest.  Emily sits alone, of course, loudly sniffling to herself.


Payson, always being up in everyone's business, asks Emily if she's ok, and Emily responds with that typical "Oh yeah, my life's just great," bullshit that is so annoying.  In a strange, out-of-character moment, she asks Payson what she's doing, instead of just being obsessed with her own life at all times.  Payson lets Emily in on the secret, that she knows where Sasha lives, and she's going to go AWOL on this trip, and stalk him.


Payson's plan is to switch flights last second, which is totally realistic and legal, fly to Bumfuck, Romania, find Sasha, and drag him to Hungary with her, so that he might lead the team to glory.  Now, even though the page she pulled up shows their return flight leaving the next day, she seems to think that they'll have about two hours to hunt Sasha down, convince him, hop on a train back to Hungary, and be back in time for PM registration.  My geography is iffy, so forgive me, but if a trip takes almost four hours by plane, would it not take slightly longer by train??  But whatever, Payson has totally done all the research, so she's pretty set on this.

Being the voice of reason, Lauren asks her how the hell is she going to afford a last minute ticket, and Payson reminds Lauren that she's a spoiled little bitch, and has Daddy's credit card.  She then reminds the girls that without Sasha, they will remain a pathetic loser team.  Emily chimes in with some more anecdotes about herself, and I guess that's all Lauren needs to hear.  She agrees to hand over the credit card, but also demands that all three of them go on this wacky little trip.

At the airport, Payson is trying to figure out where to catch her illicit flight to BFE, Romania, while Emily looks positively engaged in whatever's going on.


In an attempt to get Summer and Fake Dawes off of their backs, Lauren has Summer paged over the courtesy phone.  They then tell Fake Dawes that they're going to use the ladies room real quick, which Fake Dawes almost buys, but then she decides that she needs to go with them.  So the girls are again fucked.  They have a Friends-esque impromptu meeting above the stalls in the bathroom. 


Oh for the love of Pete.  Whoever uploaded this episode on Youtube titled it "The One Wear Chandler Wears Panties."  SO WRONG!  Everyone knows that this was "The One After the Superbowl."  Idiots. 


Lauren signals for the girls to crawl out of the stalls (NASTY) and make a run for the gate.


The girls are making a break for it when they run into that ho Kelly Parker.  Seems she's the defacto alternate for the meet, since Kaylie has not been seen or heard from in some time.  Usually this would provoke some constipated worry faces from the girls, but they have no time to worry about such petty nonsense.  They need to hop their flight to Romania!

Fake Dawes returns from the bathroom, and asks Summer if she knows where the girls are.  They're missing, so Fake Dawes has a meltdown, and admits that she is aware that the girls are terrible little brats, and are out to make her life hell.  She threatens to tell the NGO, in an attempt to save her own ass, until Summer tells her to STFU.  They'll just tell the NGO that the girls missed their flights, but will somehow be in Budapest in time for registration.


I love how ever since she's gotten back together with Daddy and Lauren, Summer has developed some major rage issues.  I hope she stays bitchy.  Payson has the wherewithal to text her mother, who I'm guessing will have to pay those international text message rates, and tells her not to worry, that they'll be back in time for the meet.  Payson's mom calls Summer and updates her on the whereabouts of their little misfits.

On the flight to Bumfuck, Romania, the girls discuss their plans to find Sasha in the middle of nowhere, and in a timely manner convince him to return to the Rock so that he can coach their worthless, unfocused asses.  Emily somehow produces a gigantic can of something, which turns out to be some sort of international energy drink.  Payson starts to flip out, because apparently they put cocaine and pseudoephedrine in energy drinks now.  Doesn't Emily know that these things are banned?  Emily, obviously, doesn't know shit about shit, and apologizes, saying she didn't know.  That's because she's useless, which Payson calls her out on.  She tells Emily to grow the fuck up, and focus on what's important in life, not starving artist losers like Demon.  Emily tells her not to worry, since she and Demon broke up.  Lauren, who I guess is trying to be a decent human in this episode, tries to make Emily feel better by reminding her that hey, at least she didn't give Demon her flower.  Um, except that she totally did.  Emily tells the girls that it was all because of that whore Kaylie, who is totally trying to steal her boyfriend.  They tell Emily that she's being a paranoid bitch, which she totally is.

 
Speaking of Kaylie, she pops in to the studio to have a little chat with Demon.  He tells her that he and Emily and broke up, and Kaylie acts surprised.  Then they both somehow blame the sport of gymnastics for making everyone on this show stupid and annoying.  For the record, gymnastics is not dangerous.  Stupid people doing gymnastics is dangerous.


The girls arrive in BFE, Romania, where the first homely local just so happens to speak fluent English.  She claims that no Sasha Belov lives in this town, and the girls immediately buy it.  Game over.  Might as well drink their sorrows away in the aptly named Olympia bar.  Lauren bemoans the loss of her/Daddy's thousand bucks, which seems like a pretty fair price for three super last minute round trip flights.


Payson immediately begins to pour over the bar menu, which pretty much features only borscht, which I guess is sort of like a beet soup?  When, shock of all shockers, who should be behind the bar ready to serve these girls, but Sasha himself.  The girls are thrilled, but he looks pissed and annoyed as shit.  Payson tells him that they've come to bring him home, not unlike a missing puppy, and Sasha tells her to shut up, and get back to her team and coach.

Emily takes it upon herself to try and convince Sasha to come home.  But since he, and everyone else, hates her, it doesn't fly. 

Back at home, Miss Bitchface Chloe is also painfully aware that everyone hates her daughter.  She mentions this to Payson's mom and Daddy.  Daddy reassures her that it is not Emily's fault, that it's that stupid Fake Dawes' fault!  Dude, weren't you the one that bought her?  Why do you now suddenly hate her?  Again, it is not the coach's fault that your daughters SUCK AT GYMNASTICS.  Bitchface responds with the best bitchface in the game.


Back in Wherever, Romania, Payson tells Lauren and Emily to head on back to Hungary.  She'll stay, and manipulate Sasha into coming back with her. 

At home, Kaylie and Demon are sharing emotional words and thoughts at the Juicy Moose.  Demon is reciting Kaylie's words to her, as if she wasn't the one who had written them.  Kaylie contradicts what everyone else on this show says, and admits that she is crazy, not because of gymnastics, but because that is just who she is.

Jumping back to the Olympia bar, Payson is stuffing her face with some borscht, while Sasha watches on painfully.


Summer magically finds this random bar in the middle of nowhere, and shows up to drag Payson's ass home.  She agrees to go, but not before returning Sasha's cheap Olympic medals to him.  They represent failure to her now, as opposed to representing her hot, talented coach who had promised her the moon and stars.

Back in Boulder, Payson's mom and Daddy are simultaneously on their phones, reassuring various people that the girls are OK.  The parents have a weird bonding moment over how similar and annoying their daughters are.  They decide to have a cozy viewing party for the meet tomorrow.  They will probably end up boning sooner rather than later.  It's only a matter of time.  Everyone on this show bones. 

Payson arrives in Budapest, and immediately Fake Dawes barks at her to sign in.  The girls are all miserable and disappointed that they were rejected by yet another adult in their lives, in this case, Sasha.

Meanwhile, Kaylie is still macking on Demon while at the studio.  He hands her a piece of paper, and asks her to sing.  At first, I was all "Wow, for someone who has zero music experience, she sure did learn how to sight read sheet music super fast.  Good for her!"  But then I realized there was no music, just words, and Kaylie magically knows how to sing them.


No dude, save ME.  Kaylie sings the song written from her own lyrics.  She becomes overwhelmed, because they are just so very touching.  Demon just knows EXACTLY how she feels. 

At 3:04am, Payson and Emily hear a knock on their door.  Am I the only paranoid one here?  Like hell I would ever answer the door at 3am without a bat in my hand.  Emily prepares for the intrusion by practicing her birth-giving position. 


The girls are blown away when Sasha appears at their door.  He's there to tell them that they are horrible girls, and that if he was in charge, he would have sent them home like, yesterday.  Despite that, he will try one more time to coach these fat, lazy chumps.  The girls ignore any criticism, as usual, and jump for joy that they again successfully managed to manipulate all of the adults in their lives. 

The time has finally come for this random pre-Worlds meet.  The Russians march in with these horrid green warm ups, featuring their secret weapon, Ivanka, who appears to be a Mustafina/Afanesyeva drag queen hybrid.  Wannabe Tim and Elfi inform us that NO ONE has ever heard of her, because Youtube has yet to be invented, and we're all still relying on quarterly updates from International Gymnast magazine.


While the other teams march in, Sasha gives his team a pep talk, and they end their huddle with a WHOA BUNDY!


It's nice to know that the Rock girls and Team USA are so close and chummy that they can't even be in the same huddle prior to a meet.  Wannabe Tim and Elfi shit their pants when they realize that Sasha is once again the head coach at the Rock.

At home, Daddy and Payson's mom crack open a bottle of wine, part to celebrate Sasha's return, part to loosen up for what is sure to be the next scandal at the Rock.

I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't happy and surprised to see a nice, complete split leap in this meet.  It's like they hired girls who actually knew how to do real gymnastics to be in the background of this show.


Watching this beautiful leap are the Rock girls, wearing what would be an acceptable super shiny blue leotard, IF one of the girls wasn't visibly knocked up.   Shiny colors really seem to accentuate baby bumps. 


Lauren, one of our few un-sperminated girls, is first up on beam.  Her split mount is better, maybe slightly less awkward.  No crotch moves so far.  She does do a nice sort of head kick, even though Payson's was much better.  She then moves into a series of Nastia brand buttshelves, and a BHS, LOSO, into a Korbut.


She wraps up this impressive series by crawling onto the Big Betty beam like a frog, and dismounts with a GINORMOUS gainer full.  Welcome to the NCAA. 

Remember, in Make It or Break It world, teams alternate routines on the same apparatus, so up next is the Russian Ivanka.  She also gets to compete on a gigantic Big Betty beam.  She is so very stoic, and therefore must obviously be Russian.  No smiles for Russians.  And like the Russians, most Russians, she also does a lovely split leap on the beam, so I really can't dislike her all that much. 


Ugggh, but then she goes and ruins it with FREAKUM WRISTS!!!!


Blech.  She wraps it up with a whoosh-whoosh single/double full.  Sometimes they show a single, sometimes a double.  Hard to tell.

Emily is inexplicably up next on UB.  Sasha feeds her some BS about being the best, which we all know she is not.  She proves this by promptly smashing both heels on her tkatchev, and once again putting her baby's life in jeopardy.  She, like Lauren some odd weeks ago, declines to do the rest of her routine.  She simply salutes, and walks away.  This terrible routine forces the new head coach, who I think was an extra on Saved By the Bell about 400 years ago, to tell Sasha that he's pulling Emily out of the meet, and putting Kelly Parker in.  Totally feasible.  If only teams were allowed to pull girls mid-meet due to shitty performances , we would have seen some vastly different teams over the years, that's all I'm saying. 

So right away, because who needs warmups, Kelly is on vault.  She vaults a FTY about an 3 inches from the table, and then shoves her ass way out, in order to feign a stick.  Was I the only one who was told repeatedly NOT to stick my ass out on landings?


With this "perfect" vault, Kelly has propped the US back into medal contention.  But first, both the USA and Russia need to have one more girl compete on FX.  OK.  First up, Ivanka.

It seems the producers cast a girl with an obvious dance background, which is fantastic.  The character has no lines, so why not go all out and hire a real gymnast?  I was almost, ALMOST fooled into thinking this was the case, and then I looked a little closer.  And then I saw it.  I know one Miss Tarah Chellevold when I see her. 


Was it not this same very station that brought us the 2000 US Classic?  As if we weren't going to notice.  Regardless, Ivanka shows a few nice shapes, and a more complete routine than we're used to seeing on this little gem of a show. 


Credit where credit is due, it sure seems like the real Ivanka is the one doing the high kick.  I'll take it.  But are there no corners on this floor mat?  Also, are the photographers standing on the mat during the routines?  And the flashes.  All of the flash photography.  Finally, let us not forget the spotlights.  Why does every shitty gym show/movie always insist on the FUCKING SPOTLIGHTS???? 

Immediately following the Russian anchor position is Payson, in the American anchor position.  Sure.  She does her Swan Lake routine, with remarkably more (read: any) tumbling than during World team trials. 


Despite that lovely performance, after tabulating the scores for the Eastern European Invitational, Russia comes out on top by .15.  The girls don't even try to fake being happy with silver, and are immediately overcome with tears. 


Of course Emily is crying, since she was the one who blew the meet, AGAIN.  Fake Dawes confronts Sasha, but he blows her off so that he can tell Emily that the Hungarian chairman/Wizard of Oz would like to speak with her. 


Sasha accompanies Emily to speak with the scary chairman, who informs the two that they've found some questionable results within Emily's piss test.  She immediately assumes it was that stupid cocaine energy drink, and begs off with more excuses.  The chairman explains that they're not concerned about banned substances.  They're concerned because she's pregnant.  End scene.


A couple of things: why does this guy look like an elderly Wayne Gretzky?  Do they seriously piss test you for pregnancy in elite athletics?  Do they also test you for AIDS and maybe your blood sugar levels?  Why does Sasha look at her with a newfound interest, instead of just punching her in the face?

Whatever, violence is not the answer.  And neither are condoms, I guess.  It'll be very interesting to see where this goes.  No way in hell is Summer going to let Emily do anything but keep the baby.  What I really want to know is what will become of the actress on this show.  I know that accidents happen, but when your job is to look like a teenaged gymnast, you really don't leave the producers a lot of options.  She really screwed the pooch on this one.  That's not to say that there are no real-life examples of mothers who exceed at gymnastics.  One need only to look at the grand dame Chusovitina to see that.  I'd like to say they'd have Emily head in that direction, but the truth is that as a whiny, punk ass, shitty little girl, Emily would never have the guts and determination to make a comeback after giving birth, ala Chuso. 

And there you have it.  What is to come?  Summer having a stroke over premarital sex, obviously.  Bitchface Chloe being all cool and awesome and understanding, while Emily is shitty and tries to blame her pregnancy on her mother's strip club job.  Maybe a little boning between Daddy and Payson's mom.  And of course, spotlights. 

19 comments:

  1. I love it. This show is almost as outrageous as [un]reality tv!

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  2. What kind of midwesterner doesn't know about borscht? Aren't you stocked to the gills with Slavs, or am I confusing you with Saskatchewan?

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  3. I wish you wrote for the show!!!

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  4. Sasha - We Minnesotans have lots of Scandinavians around. Lots of blond-haired, blue-eyed Swedes, Danes and Norwegians. Not a lot of Slavs, I don't think. Proof is that I've never heard of borscht in my life and grew up in MN.

    Anyway, Spanny, highly enjoyable recap. My favorite line was "everyone on this show bones". I laughed out loud - ain't it the truth!

    Question on Tara Chellevold and the picture of her with her bra strap showing - totally didn't get that - ?

    Couldn't believe you passed up the chance to dig on Ginger Musty's bangs. They were begging for ridicule.

    -Gymfan1079

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  5. You guys are the best! Thank you so much, I'm glad you're all enjoying the recaps.

    @Sasha, like Gymfan mentioned, we def have more Swedes, blondes, all that. Never heard of borscht, but have had my fair share of experiences with gefilte fish, unfortunately.

    @gymfan- I'm pissed I forgot the bangs! Was she a pinup Russian??? I might have to add that in. The Tarah business is from Stick It, but also, she is the gym coordinator for the show. So you see her from time to time doing random stunt work. At that moment, you could totally see it was her face, that same kind of smirky face that you saw a lot of in Stick It.

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  6. Ah! I get it on the Tarah thing now, thanks for explaining that. Thought of another thing that was screaming for a comment - those poses that Ivanka did before each tumbling pass. They were pretty authentic - lord knows our gymnasts now throw in those random poses to give them another moment to breathe. But I believe Ivanka did the same pose twice (maybe they just duplicated the shot?) - and it was a pretty pose at that. I wanted to laugh!

    -Gymfan

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  7. *pretty LAME pose I meant

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  8. "The character has no lines, so why not go all out and hire a real gymnast? "
    Exactly!! How ridiculous... the one time they don't need an actress and could have hired an actual gymnast, they don't!! Still, a plus that she could dance. As "coordinator," couldn't Tarah maybe explain about rotations, flash photography, floor corners and spotlights?!

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  9. I would just like to point out that even if you know nothing about the technicalities of gymnastics, this show is still awful. Addictive and hilarious, but awful.

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  10. im a little concerned with this whole baby thing. i thought emily couldn't get her period cuz she works out SO hard, suddenly shes preggo (either the last five weeks of emily not working out really caught up to her or demon's more of a man than i thought)...

    karma, maybe emily should blame her life on that

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  11. Huh, no Slavs then? That's too bad; in my experience their food is much better than the Scandinavians'.

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  12. my favorite part of this entry was the "emily prepares by getting into the birthing position" HAHA

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  13. oh and i loved the friends episode reference. i totally was thinking of that too

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  14. This blog needs to change its name to a blog about the TV show make it or fall asleep

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  15. So is Emily still on parole or whatever? It was a few episode ago she had to wear an ankle bracelet to compete at a dinky exhibition but now she can travel out of the country without an issue? And not just travel of the country but go AWOL in Romania.

    Are they ever going to compete at Worlds? I can't figure out the timeline of this show. I am guessing Worlds will be at the end of the season with kaylie having recovered in time to replace Emily.

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  16. I agree with you on answering the door at 3 a.m. - I wouldn't even answer it, I would hide! At least Payson checked through the peephole before she opened it.

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  17. Not to mention the fact that most hotels don't even allow visitors to walk straight to guests' rooms, least of all in the middle of the night. Instead they'll phone the room and tell whoever answers the phone that so-and-so is waiting for them downstairs, and would they please come and pick them up? I also doubt a coach like Sasha would wake his girls up in the middle of the night on the eve of an international competition. Surely he wouldn't want to rob them of their precious sleep!

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    1. They seem to think Romanians and Russians are the same thing! Romanians actually speak a language closer to Italian and as far as I know don't eat borscht. That would be the Russians who are also Slavic. But whatever...this show never gets anything right anyways...so what's simultaneously insulting two nationalities when they are already insulting every gymnast and fan in the world by the crap on this show!

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  18. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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