A random girl's random gymnastics ramblings.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

you're hunky and i'm what they call predatory gay.

Alas, it is our favorite time of the week.  And you know what that means... MAKE IT OR BREAK IT HOUR

Can I just start by saying how hard it was NOT to photoshop a dong into Emily's hand right there?

Nevermind all that.  For now.  We begin this excellent adventure with Kaylie, who is sitting in her room, reading articles about how Skinny Minny died.

Fuckers.  I am still butthurt over the death of Skinny.  I loved her.  The only beef I have with her is, why does she look like she's 30?  And why God why is she leaning over suggestively on the cover of what appears to be Insatiable magazine?  Whatever happened to good old Seventeen magazine?  Are 17 year olds really insatiable?  And no, Lauren doesn't count.

Whilst Kaylie sees her reflection in her friend's images, Bitchface Chloe and that scag Emily are pulling up to the gym.  The beautiful and talented Bitchface Chloe notices the banners promoting an upcoming dual meet between the Rock and Dallas, and I'm just going to assume they mean WOGA.  Because the best club in the country isn't in Dallas, I'll just say that much.  Bitchface wonders why Emily never mentioned the meet, and Emily uses this is as the first of MANY opportunities to guilt her mother for *egads* bartending in a strip club.  "Why did I/didn't I do/say that thing?  Because you work at a strip club."  Stupid entitled brat.  Bitchface Chloe explains, yet again, that it's not like she's STRIPPING, and that Emily should just drop it, because Emily's the one the NGO assholes are watching, not her.  If Emily could stop being a bratty cooze for like 5 seconds, and focus on, oh I don't know, gymnastics, then maybe they could both get the NGO off of their backs.  Emily stomps off in her snot ass child way.

Inside the gym, Lauren is getting her ho on with the new guy who we're supposed to think is attractive but isn't.  He's trying to take pictures of Payson vaulting, with a lovely bright flash which I'm sure won't bother her at all during her skills, as Fake Dawes had asked him to get action shots of the girls for the meet program with WOGA Dallas.  I wish they did that in real life.  They don't, for the record.  Lauren doesn't give a shit about the meet, and immediately starts rubbing up on New Guy.

"I hope you're saving some room on your memory stick for me..." 

Gasp!  What would Summer say?  No wonder no one can love this child.  New Guy tells her to show him something worth sticking his stick in, and so she prances off to steal the beam from Emily, who is pretending to use it by stretching one leg.  But we all know Emily hasn't done gymnastics in like, two seasons now, so it's really not a shock when Lauren easily connives her way onto the beam. 

Slut.  Next, we find ourselves at Casa de Cruz's in-home recording studio, which if you'll recall, Kaylie had offered Demon to use so that he can finish recording his album.  He's down there, playing the same three chords over and over and over again, trying to write a song about Emily.  Kaylie, bored and reeling from the lost of her friend, peeks in the studio. 

There is always, admittedly, something about guys playing guitar that draws in even the most unlikely of audiences.  It's like wearing a pair of guitar goggles.  You can take the biggest loser of all time, put a guitar in his hands, and then all of a sudden he's marginally more attractive.  That seems to be the case here.  Kaylie oozes her way further into the studio, eavesdropping on Demon's rockin' song.  After he's finished, she apologizes for having interrupted him, and starts busting out better verses to his song.  He's totes thrilled, because he's actually a pretty shitty writer, and now he has someone to do the hard stuff for him.  

Back at the gym, Payson is rocking out a Shapashnikova/Double Twist dismount off of UB.  She's being watched by Emily, as opposed to an actual coach, but that's probably because Emily is looking for any excuse in the world to not work out, ever.  Payson starts shit-talking Fake Dawes, until of course, who should happen upon them at that exact moment?  Fake Dawes takes the opportunity to tell the girls that, unfortunately, WOGA Dallas has withdrawn from the meet.  However, due to some handiwork, she was able to get a replacement team last minute.  The Rock Rebels will now be competing against Pinewood Gymnastics from Davenport, Iowa!  Everyone immediately bitches and groans, since Pinewood is like, the WORST gym in the country!

Oh hail no.  They did not just pit a Texas team against an Iowa team.  OMG IT IS NOT 2008 ANYMORE PEOPLE.  Time to move on.  Fake Dawes reassures the girls that it'll just be an easy meet,  and it'll be nice to have a win before Worlds.  Everyone looks at, and treats Fake Dawes like she's the dumbest piece of shit on the planet.  The kids, the moms, everyone.  She figures the best way to combat this is to suck up to Payson, who everyone does respect, somewhat.  Coach asks her what vault she's doing, despite just having seen it, and Payson explains that it's a front handspring onto the horse (where the fuck else would the handspring go?) into a front tuck half.  To prepare for such an incredible vault, Payson is using a mini tramp instead of a beat board in order to do her "front handspring onto the horse."  Fake Dawes is totally wowed, because that is just such a huge POWER VAULT.  Right.  She suggests to Payson that they could up her D score to a WHOPPING 5.5 if they add a 1/1 to her vault.  And, if my memory serves me correctly, a 5.5 start score will totally win her vault at Worlds.  Payson is intrigued, and responds with the one and only super creepy Payson smile.  

In the office, Payson's mom and Summer are griping about how stupid Fake Dawes is.  Um, you want to talk about stupid for a moment?  There is a poster hanging on the walls of this office, and it has been UPSIDE DOWN for like, two years now.

There was one episode, maybe early last season, where it had been fixed, but now it's back to being wrong.  But since poster accuracy means very little to the Rock, they go on with whatever dumb discussion they were having.  Lauren comes prancing in, asking Summer/Mom if she can go shopping today after workout.  Um, no, because she's a little slut and a horrible person.  But also because she needs to stay home and finish her homework, and clean her room.  Payson's mom stares at Summer, and she's all like "Bitch, it's called DISCIPLINE." 

On the floor, Lauren is yet again whoring it up to New Guy, begging him to take new headshots of her for the Rock lobby.  Gymnasts need headshots now? 

Meanwhile, Demon and Kaylie are still chumming it up, playing guitar, singing songs, and pretty much eye-fucking each other.  That is, until Kaylie get's a call from Skinny Minny's mother, asking her to say a few words at Minny's funeral.  Kaylie starts to freak out, and Demon offers to go with her.  But not before telling her to write her feelings down in the Burn Book, I mean his notepad.  

Before running off to slut it up with Lauren, New Guy is at Payson's house to take some "necessary" headshots.  She looks like a total goober in every picture, until he can get her to smile naturally, which of course produces beautiful pictures. 

They have a lovely time, but he must run off quickly, so that he may go bone Lauren. 

Emily is spending her night off stalking Demon's webpage, and learning that he is playing a show at the Pizza Shack soon.  This guy looks like such an asshole on his web page, it's not even funny.  He also happens to be online, so the two start a secret IM session.  They talk about absolutely nothing of importance, until Bitchface Chloe walks in.  Emily deftly closes the IM, but leaves Demon's web site up.  Bitchface sees it, and reminds Emily that she only needs to be a slightly less horrible daughter for a little while longer, and then she can see Demon again.  Emily attempts to turn things around, blaming her mother yet again for daring to work in a strip club.  Bitchface Chloe is classy, and doesn't take the bait.  But she does rock off another one of her classic bitch faces.

Kaylie is at home, adding to the Burn Book, when Demon pops in real quick to grab his jacket.  They discuss Skinny's death a little bit, and decide that he will, in fact, accompany Kaylie to the funeral. 

Finally, we learn what that scag Lauren is up to this evening.  New Guy has brought his camera, and is taking scandalous pictures while Lauren sluts it up. 

Why do girls always think that biting your finger in pictures is sexy?  It's not.  And bitch, you aren't Baby Spice, so don't be giving me no shush face.  That's HER face, not yours. 

Summer comes home, and happens upon this little scene.  Obviously, she freaks the fuck out, pushes New Guy out the door, and covers Lauren up with a silk robe.  She threatens to tell Daddy, until Lauren cries and moans, and wonders why no one loves her.  I think it's pretty obvious.  More people would love you if you weren't such a horrible excuse for a daughter.  Summer caves, just like Lauren's pussy dad, and life goes on. 

The next day at the gym, Emily is putting up fliers for Christian Summer Camp.  Or Demon's show.  One of the two. 

Payson tells her to wake the fuck up, and stop obsessing over some dude.  Emily's all whatever, and goes back to pimping out Christian camp. 

Lauren waits until Summer leaves, and further proves she's the brat daughter from hell by disobeying Summer and waltzing up to New Guy, and asking him to come to the Pizza Shack with her to see Demon's show.  She also wants to see the slutty pictures he took, but since even New Guy is frightened by the wrath of Summer, he says he'll just email them to her.  He follows up by asking if Payson will be at the Pizza Shack, and Lauren tells him that Pay's a lesbian, so don't bother.

This has been a running joke for a few weeks now, and I'm unsure whether or not to take it seriously.  That said, if Payson mysteriously becomes a lesbian just because she keeps striking out with boys, I am going to be pissier than I've ever been pissed.  Ugh, and can you IMAGINE the preaching?  Summer would have a field day.  

Speaking of Payson, she's practicing her new 5.5 super duper power difficulty vault.  However, she's still using the trampoline instead of the beatboard.  We see her double doing a handspring front, and despite all of the whoosh-whoosh noises, she throws neither the 1/2 nor the 1/1.  Fake Dawes doesn't seem to notice, and waxes on about how great the "new" vault is.  Payson's mom is lording over the gym though, and she's downright pissed about her daughter throwing such a difficult "power" vault.  She didn't seem to care when Payson was throwing a bunch of power crap that she hadn't warmed up in years during the little buddy meet two weeks ago...  Her mother seems to think that she's five, and unable to make decisions regarding her abilities.  Payson's just too stupid to know what she, and her body can handle.  I'm sure her mother and coach know much better, since they're always around and totally spotting her and shit.  Fake Dawes tries to be the coach, but she is yet again shot down, this time by Payson's mom.  Why even hire a coach when no one gives a fuck about what she says and thinks?  Oh, and I forgot, only mean, scary coaches are effective. 

Fake Dawes listens to Payson's mom's threats, and tells Payson not to do the vault, since it might eff up her back.  Payson spazzes, and tells Fake Dawes how much she sucks, how much this upcoming meet sucks, and how much everything sucks.  As she stomps away, Fake Dawes takes a look at her motley crew of girls, and realizes that non of them give a shit.

She gathers the girls together, and I have to admit, I was totally hoping she'd become this huge, bad ass bitch and whip the girls into shape.  But alas, it was not to be.  Instead, she politely tells the girls that in order to get ready for the big meet the following day, they will be spending the night at the gym. 

I fail to see how this would help in any way.  For me personally, I cannot even function if I don't sleep in my own bed every single night.  I can't imagine how sleeping on the floor, or even on a pit would be good for anyone's back, let alone Payson's.  She's not concerned, however, since Lauren just dropped the bomb that she was supposed to have a date with New Guy tonight, and now poor Payson is heartbroken, because she had her awkward little heart set on the photographer. 

Free from the hassle of having to sleep at the Rock, Kaylie is instead attending poor Skinny Minny's funeral with Demon.  Skinny's mother approaches Kaylie, and asks her to talk about how healthy Skinny was, and how she was totally on the path to recovery.  Kaylie has a meltdown, because she knows it's all a huge fat lie (no pun intended) and slowly jogs out of the church and over to the conveniently placed bench on the lawn.  How many scenes does Kaylie have with benches? 

At the meltdown bench, Kaylie admits to Demon that she is lying, Skinny was lying, everyone is lying, and that she doesn't want to become like Skinny and die.  Demon is there for her, and as he holds her, we see what I can only hope is the beginning of the end for Emily...

As someone who attended a highly respected acting conservatory, I will say that the actress did a passable job here.  She seemed to really have it in one or two of the takes, and not so much the others.  I blame editing, because it seemed that she was honestly teared up in the beginning, and just kind of faking it from there on. 

At the Rock, everyone is sitting in the Corn Circle, or whatever Fake Dawes calls it.  The idea is that the girls will pass around a huge tub of popcorn, and as you eat some, if you have to air your grievances.  Payson is first, and after she grabs a handful of corn, she admits that she would rather be at home.  She gobbles the corn.  Lauren janks the bowl next, and admits that she would rather be at the Pizza Shack with New Guy, attending Demon's concert.  Something about this confuses Fake Dawes, so she asks for more information.  Emily explains that even though he's been supportive of everything she's done, and been to all of her meets, she hasn't done shit for Demon, so now she feels bad and thinks they should go to his show.  Lauren agrees, and thinks they should take a field trip to the Pizza Shack, because maybe some team bonding would help them.  Also, Emily wouldn't be breaking any of the stupid NGO rules if they all went together as a team.  Fake Dawes is like "Fuck it," and agrees.  Payson, bewildered for a moment, just grabs some more popcorn and leaves the gym with the team.

At the Shack, Demon is singing, and Emily starts to smile like a goofy lovesick teenager who is obsessed with her boyfriend in the most unhealthy way.  Lauren takes a moment to show Payson the scandalous pictures that New Guy took of her, which upsets poor Payson, because she thought he was only taking pictures of HER.  This kid's memory stick gets around. 

Before his next song, Demon tells the crowd that a great friend helped him write this next song, and invites her to come on stage and sing with him.  Emily is all "THE FUCK???" and doesn't feel any better when she sees that Kaylie is the one being brought on stage. 

Demon and Kaylie sing their little diddy, again while essentially eye-fucking each other.  Emily is NOT happy.  Well, that's what you get for being such a miserable person. 

Summer decides to pop in at the Rock real quick, and check on everyone, since no one is capable of doing anything at all without her supervision.  Perhaps rightly so, since neither Fake Dawes nor anyone on that team was smart enough to even lock the doors after they left, because not only did Summer waltz on in, but so did that asshole NGO dude who is stalking Emily.  Is that this guys job, just to randomly follow teenage girls and see what they're up to?  Again, he's not her parole officer or anything.  Summer, probably thrilled to know she was right yet again, and that no one other than herself is to be trusted, happily tells the NGO asshole that Emily isn't at the gym, like her mother said she would be.  In fact, no one is at the gym at all.  The NGO asshole immediately knows where Emily is- the Pizza Shack. 

Summer and the NGO asshole show up at the Pizza Shack, where Summer happens upon Lauren hooching it up with New Guy.  She unleashes on Lauren, admitting that she is an idiot for ever believing anything Lauren says ever.  

She drags Lauren away, but not before telling Emily and the gang to hightail it out of there, because the asshole is on his way.  Summer and the girls head for the back door, while Payson stays to cover for Emily.  Payson tells the NGO asshole that Emily never came with them, that she went directly home after the gym just like she is supposed to.  The asshole seems appeased, until Fake Dawes comes over, chugging a beer, and telling Payson what an awesome idea this was.  The asshole does not seem happy.  

It's time for the dual meet with Pinewood Gymnastics, and the Rock girls are trying to get pumped up.  Pinewood looks a little tougher than they have in the past, and some of the girls are worried.  Payson gives her team a pep talk (I thought Lauren was co-captain?  Where is that bitch?) and they're off.  

Pinewood starts with a lovely mount on the beam, and despite the lack of split, I appreciate the originality and the toepoint. 

The girls share worried glances before Payson gets up on beam.  She stumbles on a front tuck, but manages to hang on.  I forgot that in Make It or Break It world, the teams alternate routines, but on the same apparatus.  A girl from Pinewood tumbles on FX, and sticks a nice double, and that's the end of her routine.  Don't people have end poses anymore?  Fake Dawes did the same thing with her FX.  Just whoosh-whoosh, stick, end of routine.  

Lauren does a nice double pike, but takes a glorified step out of bounds, both of which Summer seem very excited about.

Pinewood sticks a cowboyed double back off of UB, and up next is Emily Kmetko.  Seeing as how she hasn't done any sort of gymnastics in like a year, this promises to be good.  Emily immediately belly flops her jaeger, which hurt to even watch, because all I could think was "WHAT ABOUT THE BABY??

It all comes down to Payson.  Fake Dawes tells her that in order to win, and they absolutely have to win, Payson needs to throw the new handspring full vault that she's never done without a trampoline.  That's a fine idea.  In fact, it's quite en vogue currently to throw vaults you're not capable of doing, all with the prayer that it'll get credited and you'll win.  I mean, it worked for Russia.  Surely it will work for the Rock too.  Payson's mom walks onto the floor, again as is allowed at the Rock, and bitches out Fake Dawes for talking to Payson before her vault.  Fake Dawes tells her to STFU, and that she doesn't need mouthy gym moms telling her what to do during a meet.  Both just stand there as Payson throws a vault that she is wildly unprepared to do.  Of course, she flops it to her back.  I will give credit where credit is due, at least they showed her double doing the correct vault.  Payson's not hurt, she's just embarrassed.  The Rock watches as Pinewood celebrates their win with a massive trophy.  

Fake Dawes tries to console her losing team, but Payson and her huge camel toe cannot keep her mouth shut, and blames Fake Dawes for the team losing.  Like it's her fault that the girls suck, are out of shape, don't listen, and don't ever do anything.  Fake Dawes looks at her squad of losers, and then walks out of the gym.  Lauren makes some barb about a real coach not walking out like that.  No, a real coach would have kicked all of your fat asses out of the gym a long time ago.  A real coach would have a crew of bitty 10 year olds in line ready to take your place.  And bitch, get used to it, because people will be walking out of your life for a long, long time.  

We end our hour of fun with Kaylie, who is in bed, writing in her own Burn Book, of sorts.  Except hers was a calorie journal, which she is giving up because she doesn't want to end up dead like Skinny Minny.  Instead, she begins to write with handwriting that would give my second grade teacher an aneurysm.  

And that, my friends, is that.  I'm excited to see if/when Demon leaves that trash Emily, or if maybe Summer and Daddy will leave Lauren at the pound, since she's so very useless.  Regardless, I think the good stuff is upon us in the upcoming weeks, and I, for one, cannot wait. 


  1. Thank you for once again making my week.

    Never noticed the upside-down poster in the gym office, or the "Insatiable" mag that Skinny Minny was on. You have quite the eye!

  2. I'm sorry--Calvin Spade? Skinny was a CALVIN SPADE model?

    This show hurts my soul.

  3. I literally just had to shut my office door because I was laughing so much! Again, the MIOBI recaps are my fav time of the week!

  4. I just sent this blog link to MIOBI. I hope they take some of your suggestions to heart....like killing Emily off the show. Goodbye Miss grouchy pants saddlebags!!

  5. I impatiently waited all day for this. Love, as usual. The upside down poster, calling him Demon and of course, "WHAT ABOUT THE BABY??" hilarious stuff as always.

  6. Thank you for once again making watching this Godforsaken show bearable.

  7. OMG you crack me up.

    Serious question, though, ONLY out of curiosity. Who in your mind is the best club in the nation right now? A year or two ago, I would've said WOGA hands-down, but now I'm not so sure. And this is coming from somebody who drives past the place almost everyday.

  8. How dare the coach speak to her gymnast before she competes vault! What do she think she is, a coach?? Thank god Payson's mom stepped in and put a stop to that indecency.

  9. bitting the fingernail can be sexy, but not when mixed with a big toothy grin

  10. Loved it, as always!

    Just wanted to chime in with something that I just noticed:

    Comment @ 8:03:


    lol. but seriously. I love how they pretty much let Sasha have free reign and speak to the girls whenever, but as soon as 'Darbs' tries to advise the girls, Mama Keel-[U] steps in with her panties in a wad and stops that right then.
    "Oh, Sasha, you want my girl, who has not competed bars since her injury to compete bars against the CHINESE?? Why, Sure!"

    "Darby, you better not be training my kid to do a power vault when she fo sho is definitely not a or Iza gon keeel u." (LOL had to get the accent right)

    But yeah. Talk about double standard. They just need to kill of the entire cast on a plane ride to worlds and start over. Just Sayin. (and with all due respect to the 1961 tragedy. I'm not trying to insult their memory at all. They can actually be like, we did this in memory of those lost. But yeah.)

  11. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.