Friends, we are at the second to last episode ever. EVER. I'm just positive we'll see a ton of gymnastics, and things that totally pertain to the actual selection of an Olympic team.
You know it's going to be a good episode when we open with shots of Jan. Not one, but TWO shots of Jan. We see Jan, go inside the doctor's office to hear about how super unique and risky Lauren's totally not-unique heart condition is, and then BAM, more Jan!
Jan is very popular, so she likes to run with new friends every 5 minutes or so. Back to Lauren and Hippy Doctor, we're learning how very special this brand new procedure is. Per PattyMelt on IGF:
"I really enjoyed this 'crazy, experimental technique' that the hippie doctor used on Lauren is something called an ablation, and is done every day in hospitals to treat SVT (and a myriad of other ectopic heart rhythms)."
"Ablations were considered mildly risky in the 90s, but not recently. And the spikes! THE WORST. How does that show a fast heartbeat (tachycardia)? Even without the spikes, the EKG made NO SENSE. The waves were not even the right shape. How hard is it to find a basic SVT rhythm?"
It warms the cockles of my heart when the nerds of the world unite with a singular cause: to tear this show to pieces.
While Lauren and Princess Payson are busy not working out, Kaylie and Jordan are also away from the gym, strolling around in the camp uniform, which consists of skinny jeans and high heeled boots. These is what every single one of the girls wears every single time they're outside of the gym. And sometimes while they're in the gym.
Jordan and Kaylie practice their catwalks, discussing Kaylie's "full twist dismount on vault" when they are happened upon by Creepy Coach Ray from Florida Rhythmic Gymnastics Camp, which I guess is a thing. Rhythmic camp is where Jordan learned her "Layout Jordan," so just try to keep that fact in mind. Kaylie's all pumped by the return of her old coach, but Jordan is obviously remembering all of the times he molested the shit out of her, so you know, she's not as cool with it.
Lauren is in the hospital with that weird wrestler kid who scammed her but then brought her Otis. He's a weirdo, but for whatever reason I don't hate him. Yet. But for fuck's sake, why is having a boyfriend so fucking IMPORTANT in this show? Like, you can't possibly make the Olympics unless you have a man boning you every step of the way. It's really upsetting. But Lauren isn't completely insane over him yet, which is good. Because most girls on this show meet a boy one time and fall in love. I kind of like him because he makes fun of Lauren's Nastia/Peggy Bundy outfit.
Lauren sends him away once Kaylie and Princess Payson show up. Princess Payson is totally a Cosmo girl now that she got laid, so she asks Lauren about the new guy. Lauren's not really an attention whore anymore, so she turns around and asks Princess about her little ratfaced boyfriend instead.
Princess loves to talk about herself, so she quickly spills all the details.
Lauren is fucking disgusting by this. She vomits wildly all over the room, and then asks Princess about letting boys into her fold. Kaylie stands around awkwardly, because as far as I remember, she never actually boned Austin before they broke up. Not like the Golden Couple would have boned in a tent in a dorm room anyway.
Back at the gym, Wendy is personally handing Sexy Nutritionist her pee cup from her drug test. Sexy Nutritionist is all "Um, Wendy, most people leave these in the bathroom. This shit is nasty." So Wendy is all "Well, most drug testing is done by the USADA, not the wife of the coach."
Sexy Nutritionist is all "Touche." Wendy uses the opportunity to grill Sexy Nutritionist about the currently banned substances. She goes into the whole pseudoephedrine thing, and everyone who has ever watched gymnastics ever groaned and collectively sighed. My first response was to strike the TV and scream about how that wasn't even a banned substance anymore, but I guess it is now? But in certain amounts. Whatever, I have no fucks to give about the scandal that makes people think Simona Amanar is an Olympic AA champion. Sexy Nutritionist raps up her little speech by reminding Wendy that she's 15, so she's totally allowed to buy and take whatever drugs she'd like, just so long as she reads the label first.
Princess motherfucking Payson rolls up late to practice, as usual. Probably too busy boning her stalker boyfriend in a tent in a dorm room. I was pleasantly surprised that the girls were doing a legit warm up, as opposed to their usual sitting on the floor and gossiping. Princess just wiggles in place and yammers on about Creepy Coach Ray.
Apparently he's an "expert choreographer" so I'm immediately flooded with a combination of Geza/Martha choreography. Which is confusing, because I was under the impression that the girls created their routines themselves. Creepy Coach takes a liking to Wendy immediately, so it looks like the rest of the girls are on their own. Kaylie chalks up for UB, but the other random gym hoes are too busy sitting on the beam and gawking at her.
Apparently her break up with Austin is a huge deal and everyone cares so very much. Jordan stomps over and tells them to "Beat it, unless you want one," and I honestly don't know what that even means. But they scatter, so I guess it works.
Wendy is on FX wowing us with her glorious jumps. Now, I have to be fair, and acknowledge that for MIOBI actor standards, this half leap thing is miles better than what the other girls can do. I appreciate that the producers found a girl who, lisp and all, clearly had even the smallest bit of a dance background. The Creepy Coach is still an idiot though, because not only does he wear his pants up to his armpits, but he also thinks the issue with Wendy's leap is that her legs are bent. This is the first time in all of MIOBI that the legs are actually NOT bent. This issue is that it's a hair over 90 degrees and about an inch off of the ground.
It looks like she has a belly tumor. Creepy Coach is quick to step in and give her a fix.
OK, so while I appreciate what they were going for with this demonstration, I'm quite horrified. Creepy Coach is all "You should feel this while you leap," as he juts his boner into her hip. Now, it's a decent arabesque position, I guess, but no, you should not feel that position while you leap.
Coach Mac informs Jordan that it's her turn to work with Creepy Coach, but she quickly opts out by saying her shoulder needs work, and that she needs to go see the physical therapist STAT. So they do have therapists there? That has yet to be seen.
I love how we're starting to see the exact same establishing shots in each episode. We are quite obviously back at the USATC hospital, with the doctor and his nurse strolling into the building. Kaylie and Princess Payson catch up to Lauren just as she's being rolled into surgery. They sit around bored in the waiting room until Hippy Doctor comes out and tells them that everything went well. He explains that while the procedure was successful, Lauren still does have some abnormalities on her EKG, which in itself is pretty normal. Princess Payson keeps butting in, because apparently she has her doctorate and knows more than Hippy Doctor himself.
Wendy is busy cruising the internet for pills.
So, a few things. Now, having never purchased drugs online, I'm not 100% on this. But I want to say that buying pills with pseudoephedrine in them at least requires an ID, online or not. Have you ever tried to buy Sudafed at the pharmacy in person? You basically have to sign away your life before they let you take any of that shit home. Second, does that box in the picture not say "DOES NOT CONTAIN PSEUDOEPHEDRINE" on it? Or am I making that up? I feel like Wendy isn't going to get very far with her whole drugging scheme this way. All the same, she buys the pills.
The next day, we're at the gym, and we see Princess Payson working out for the first time in weeks. She's doing her lame old ballet shit on FX, and Creepy Coach tells her that her routine is just OK, and that she'll make a great table setter in London.
Now, most girls would be thrilled with a verbal confirmation that they are being seriously considered for a five-person Olympic team. Especially if said girl is clearly not in shape and works out the least out of everyone. But not Princess Payson. She has a meltdown, and gives a variety of snotty faces.
She reminds us that she's the anchor, the best, the one who is counted on to bring home the gold. BITCH, SINCE WHEN? Since the show has started, have we ever seen her win anything? I remember her eating mat at Nationals, failing her petition to the National team, sucking it up at Worlds, and messing up her latest "Elimination Day" test on beam. Why in the world does she think she's the best on this team, worthy of a spot at all, let alone the anchor spot on any event?!
Coach Mac tries to explain this to her, that her best has not been good enough. She insists that he train her harder. No, how about you SHOW UP TO TRAINING ONCE IN AWHILE? Then maybe you won't suck so much and have to go first. Yes, weeks before the Olympic Trials is a great time to realize that you're not that great, and to think about making adjustments. Coach Mac is way too nice to her, and explains that team gold comes first. Not in Princess Payson's world. No sir.
Princess takes out her rage on some celery and carrots, which she is inexplicably chopping in the middle of the gym. She is insulted, and STUNNED that Coach Mac doesn't see her "as the star of the team!" Which she says to Kaylie, who is arguably the star of the team. Kaylie is also way too nice to her, and calmly explains that she should be thrilled that she was more or less told she would make the team. Princess Payson is super condescending and is all "Yeah, great, whatever. I mean, I know Lauren would sell her hair if it meant she could be in my position. But I want GOLD. Individual GOLD. And I want it more than you, more than Lauren, more than anyone. ME. I want, nay, DESERVE that medal more than everyone else! Including you."
Princess reminds us that "There's only one gold medal." And here I thought that there were six. Silly me.
Lauren rolls up to the gym totally pumped to practice. Princess should take note, but instead, she gets all obnoxiously excited when Stalker Rigo texts her. Then she looks at Kaylie and is all "Don't worry, Kaylie. One day, if you're lucky, you'll find true love, just like me."
Even Kaylie, ever the calm one, is all "Thanks Payson, you dumb bitch."
Lauren is in the office getting her ass chewed by Coach Mac. He doesn't want her working out until she's cleared by her doctor. He explains that sometimes injuries happen, and that sucks.
While Lauren's Olympic life hangs in the balance, Princess fucking Payson is romping outside with that stalker Rigo. He wants to talk about their relationship, but she manages to parlay that into Coach Mac considering her a lead off gymnast. Does she ever ever ever not talk about herself?
While Kaylie is in her room having a meltdown over Austin, Wendy is busy making a pseudoephedrine smoothie.
Another thing that someone in MIOBI-ville will do that could possibly kill another person. But she'll never be caught or punished, I'm sure.
The following day, Lauren and her weird wrestler friend are trying to relax so that she can pass her stress test.
Later on, Princess accompanies Lauren to her stress test with Hippy Doctor. He explains to Lauren that while she's recovering extraordinarily fast, she's still not well enough to handle the stress of training. Well, not if Princess has anything to say about it. She continually questions and attempts to correct Hippy Doctor. She suggests that Lauren train and compete her elite level routines while he stands there and monitors her. You know, forever. And I mean, since you have wireless phones and wireless computers, why couldn't you quickly invent some sort of device that could wirelessly monitor her? Thank God for Princess Payson and her quick thinking.
Princess is burnt out from all her thinking, so she takes a break to slow dance with Rigo next to a bonfire on campus. Some music comes on, and she suddenly becomes Britney Spears. A really shitty, narcissistic Britney Spears. She does this really horrible and uncomfortable dance for Rigo.
I don't what it is about this scene that makes me cringe so very much. Maybe it's that she went from virginal, innocent Payson to Slut Princess in like a week. Maybe it's because I don't understand when she had the time to take dance lessons. It's possibly the fact that she doesn't break eye contact with Rigo during this entire dance, and that makes me think she's about to kill him. He's clearly uncomfortable, but when Princess asks if her dance was stupid, he says no (yes) and tells her that's what her FX should look like. All fucking righty then.
Lauren gets to try her wireless monitoring device the next day at workout. I don't know why she has her leotard pulled halfway off in front of her father, but she does.
Everyone is gathered around to see how her heart will handle a beam routine. Everyone except for Creepy Coach and Wendy, who are busy in the background doing God knows what.
Lauren mounts the beam, and does a smattering of skills.
"Point yo' toes."
Creepy Coach is busy working with Wendy while Jordan looks on nervously.
Lauren shares with Princess that for the first time, she was actually kind of scared while she was on beam. Princess immediately reminds us of her back injury, and shares the story of how she made it back.
"I'm Princess motherfucking Payson. I'd say it worked."
Keeping up with the Rock tradition, Lauren is in the gym after hours with that wrestler kid. They are sitting on the floor, visualizing her beam routine.
He walks her through her routine, which he happens to know by heart.
My, that's a lovely dismount. Princess Payson shows up to break up the party. Lauren is kind and helps her with her new slutty choreography that will totally bump her up from table setter to anchor, because she's such a STAR.
Jordan is in the dorm room knitting, as awesome people are want to do. Kaylie tries to talk to her, but gets that Jordan just isn't in the mood to chat. Wendy comes barreling into the room, bragging about how Creepy Coach invited her out to eat, over to his place, and calls her the next Shawn Johnson. This enrages Jordan, and Wendy accuses her of being jealous. Jordan stomps out in her skinny jeans and heels. Kaylie follows in her skinny jeans and heels. Jordan marches out to the parking lot and finds Creepy Coach's car. Then she unleashes the badass.
She grabs a pipe and beats the shit out of his car. Kaylie weakly yells at her to stop, but Jordan just keeps going to town. As she goes on, she breaks down, and goes from badass to sobbing mess.
Jordan's character has been pretty one dimensional up until this point. I was shocked to see her freak out as well as she did. In a series full of crummy wannabe crying, she really knocked this out of the park.
Of course, she tells Kaylie that she was molested by Creepy Coach, which is BRAND NEW INFORMATION and nobody could see that coming at all for the past six episodes. Predictable as it was, Jordan still did a huge service to the scene. Kaylie, not so much.
I couldn't tell if Kaylie was laughing or crying. But she is supportive, and tells Jordan that she believes her, which is what she needed to hear.
Here is my huge, huge huge huge beef with this scenario. It's cool if ABC Family wants to touch this sort of situation. Maybe it will help someone out there. But if this whole thing is wrapped up neatly in the next episode, which it will have to be because it's the last episode ever, then that pisses me off. I mean, that pisses me off to my core. If there is any resolution OTHER than Creepy Coach getting hauled off to jail, I will be seriously pissed off. There is no other option. Adults need to be told, and the molester needs to go to jail. If we spend the entirety of the last episode watching Kaylie convince Jordan to tell, but then Jordan never does, I'm going to be pissed off. If the man is not in jail by the end of the episode, I'm going to have a rage stroke.
I guess the cops were on watch, because they show up and the girls run off. If they waste any of the new episode having Jordan get arrested for window smashing while wearing a leotard or some shit, I will be seriously pissed off.
Only one episode left. One sad little episode. Just one.
Until next week, friends, may your legs be straight and your leaps be 90 degrees!