Folks, we are only two weeks away from the selection of the Olympic team. No time to waste!
We open up with a shot of Wendy Batshit looking particularly crazy.
I'm over the hashtag bullshit that we keep seeing. The ABC Family logo also makes her look like she has a tiny white mustache. Instead of working out, like everyone else, Wendy is surveying her competition in the gym. She is in a paltry third place on the pyramid, and that simply will not do.
Instead of working out, Kaylie and Princess Payson are staring at Jordan, who is actually practicing on beam. She does a whopping 1 1/2 dismount off of the Big Betty beam, so Kaylie and PP are super blown away by how "fierce" she is.
In an attempt to make amends, PP demands that she and Kaylie suck up to Jordan, since she thinks they'll all be on the team together. The girls make a half-assed attempt at an apology, but Jordan pretty much blows them off. Kaylie is like "Whatever, she always does this shit to me," and Princess, looking for any excuse to talk about herself, is all "Ugh, that's just like me and Lauren. She's so mad at me, and I can't handle anyone being mad at me, no matter how badly I destroyed their life!" Wendy overhears all this shit, and gives more demon face.
Lauren and her horrible fur slipper boots are still stuck in the USATC hospital, where she is finally given a diagnosis of her weird heart issue thing. Something called SVT. And it's so bad, she's going to need open heart surgery. Now, I'm not going to pretend I know anything about anything, but from what I understand, open heart surgery for this condition is like amputating the entire leg for a sprained ankle. Oh, and not only does she have to have super risky open heart surgery, but it's also going to take her months and months and months to be able to do even the most mundane of activities. Naturally, Lauren has a bit of a meltdown.
Back at the dorms, Wendy Batshit is doing the annoying innocent thing, and tearing up some lettuce for Jordan's pet bunny, which is actually pretty fucking cute. She shit talks Lauren and her unnecessary heart surgery while also managing to trash Kaylie. Even Jordan doesn't really care, and is all "Fuck this bitch, I'm outta here," and takes her cute bunny friend with her. After Jordan leaves, Wendy turns back into psycho demonface Wendy.
She activates the sprinklers and floods the entire joint. And like every other character in this universe, I'm sure there will never be any punishment for her insane behavior.
Kaylie and Austin are taking a stroll in the rain while Austin discusses how flashy, super difficult and original his iron cross is. An iron cross is his plan for gold. Very well. I guess the way things work at the USATC is that you don't really have to practice any set routines. You just make up whatever you want, and perform what you feel like on the "elimination day." Coaches have no say in anything, nor do they spot, so I'm not sure why they're there at all. Austin admits that his FX isn't up to par, but he's not worried because he has like a day left, and that's plenty of time to create and perfect a FX routine.
Austin and Kaylie notice all of the fire trucks outside of the dorms, so they race inside to find out what's going on. The fire chief explains to Coach Mac that everything is trashed, so some of the girls will have to share rooms. Wendy suggests that she and Jordan move in with Princess and Kaylie, which Coach eagerly agrees to. Wendy moves in with Princess, and of course, Jordan with Kaylie. Everyone is just thrilled with this arraignment.
Daddy Tanner is in Princess Payson's room, packing up the rest of Lauren's things. Princess is, of course, lamenting about how Lauren won't forgive her, or let her up into her hospital room.
Never once does Princess say "Gee, how is Lauren holding up? Is she OK? How is she feeling?" No. All we hear from this bitch is "But why is she so mad at MEEEE? I was just trying to help! She's mad at me for all the wrong reasons!" Who gives a fuck WHY she's mad at you?! Her dreams were just crushed, give the girl a little bit of time. Fuck's sake. Princess takes this opportunity to remind everyone about her back surgery, and how not long ago she was the one everyone cared so much about. Oh yes, I do remember that. You had a crippling injury, had miraculous surgery, and were able to run a 5k like a week later.
Daddy explains that there is this one special hippy doctor who does have the ability to fix Lauren's heart using this fancy new non-invasive technique, but won't consider doing the procedure on high level athletes. This does not compute for Miss Princess. She figures that since athletes' hearts are generally healthier, then why wouldn't this doctor be chomping at the bit to chop them open? I mean, repairing a Lamborghini is probably exactly like repairing a Volvo. Same thing.
After dealing with the insufferable Princess, Daddy makes his way back to the hospital to see his daughter. He brings Lauren her childhood toy, which is apparently an untouched sock monkey that looks like it was bought from Walmart a day prior. You know what my childhood toy (stuffed Grumpy Bear) looks like now? Death. He's hanging together by threads.
Lauren is not impressed. So Daddy brings out his second surprise. Sister Mary Summer. FML. Sister Mary Summer's all "Hey Lauren, I'm back! I know I told you that I would never leave you, but I did. Sorry about that. Hey, do you know what would make you feel so much better and solve all of your problems? Praying!"
Lauren is all "OMG Summer, I don't feel like fucking PRAYING right now! Leave me alone."
Back at the dorms, Princess and Kaylie are sitting in some sort of luxurious lobby, surfing the internets. Princess explains to Kaylie that she's searching for this hippy doctor who stupidly refuses to operate on athletes.
I mean, it's not like surgeons have to worry about malpractice suits or being sued for other shit. He's an "out of the box" thinker, so why wouldn't he want to jeopardize his career to operate on a gymnast? Who cares that he's not confident enough to do so? Who cares if Lauren dies under the knife? At least Princess would feel better because she tried. And really, isn't that all that matters?
Kaylie reminds Princess that Daddy already tried to convince Hippy Doctor, but Princess is all "Well, yeah, but he hasn't heard it from ME. Hearing it from ME, Payson Keelor, will make all the difference." So she stalks him. She finds out that he's at a retreat where any sort of technology or communication is forbidden. The retreat is right outside of Santa Fe, which is "only three and a half hours away!"
We catch up with the girls the next day at the gym. Instead of working out, Jordan is in the office having a chat with Coach Mac. He's all "You're good, but you're a shitty teammate. Fix that."
Kaylie is skipping practice entirely, and is instead hiding out in Austin's room, giving him a shitty massage.
If I ever went into a guy's room, and saw that he had a bunch of framed pictures of himself topless on the wall, I would run. I would run very fast. Poor Austin's flashy iron cross has stressed his delicate shoulders. Are there no trainers or therapists at this place? They have billion dollar dorms, but can't afford a masseuse? Austin theorizes that if he waters down his FX, then his shoulder will be healed and he'll have no problem performing his flashy iron cross. Kaylie is all "Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you come into the gym after hours with me? I will help you design a new FX, since coaches don't exist. It's one day until your elimination, so now is a good time to redo your routine." Austin's totally down for it.
Princess Payson has also ditched practice, and is instead going on a forbidden road trip with that stalker, Rigo. She insists that Kaylie cover up for her, and lie to the coach, putting both of their Olympic bids in danger. She got Lauren into trouble this way, so it's only fair that Kaylie get the same kind of treatment.
Kaylie goes back to her room, and has it out with Jordan. She explains that she's still butthurt that their coach from when they were 12 paid more attention to Jordan than to her. Probably because he was molesting her. Jordan fights back, and mentions that one time Kaylie freaked out because she couldn't get ice cream with Jordan and the coach. I'm assuming ice cream is code word for molesting. They blow up, calm down, and realize that they're actually still friends. Kaylie is relieved, because she needs to tell someone about Princess Payson's illicit road trip. She confides in Jordan, who agrees to help cover for Princess. Princess gets what Princess wants.
Wendy Batshit comes into the room, and Jordan jumps up to prevent her from discovering that Princess is gone. They make up some bullshit about Princess being sick, so they should all leave her alone.
I like that Lauren looks like shit for once. Instead of parading around a hospital in Uggs and nightgowns, she looks like she's actually been in a hospital for awhile. Sister Mary Summer tries to get Lauren to go on a walk with her, but Lauren is all "Good try. I know you just want me to walk my ass down to the chapel." Sister Mary responds "No, I wasn't trying to do that. But now that you mentioned it... talking to God about this would totally fix everything." Lauren gets pissed. "You know what? I've asked God for a shitton of stuff, and he never gave me shit!"
Sister Mary tells Lauren that "It doesn't work that way," and it is the one and only time I have ever agreed with her ever. That simple sentence says more than all of her preachy tirades ever could have.
Kaylie and Austin are having a late night workout, just like back in the Rock days. Now, Austin's old pass was a RO-BHS-whip-2.5. But, if he changed it to a RO-1.5-front full, that would totally save his shoulder. Because less twisting is easier on your shoulders, I guess. Austin acknowledges that the 2.5 is much flashier than the 1.5, and that is what he's going for. Flash flash flash. Kaylie reminds him that he could totally blow his shoulder out doing the 2.5, and then wouldn't even be able to do his flashy iron cross. Then where would he be? Whatever Kaylie says goes, so he gets up to show off his new pass.
Totally the same guy. One pass is enough practice for tonight, so Kaylie takes a moment to give Austin a gift: a framed page from her journal detailing the night she told Austin that she loves him. Awww. I don't give a fuck.
Rigo and Princess have been riding all day, and stop about an hour outside of Santa Fe. So by all day, I mean two hours. It's getting dark, so they set up camp. Apparently there is room for a tent and a change of clothes in Princess' tiny backpack.
Stalker Rigo suggests that they zip their sleeping bags together and bone. Princess explains that she's saving herself for a gold medal. As she explained to us in Season One, boning will give you hips and boobs, which Princess doesn't already have. So Stalker Rigo is all "OK." but Princess still wants to tease him by insisting they zip their sleeping bags together.
It's the next morning, and Jordan is hiding out in Princess Payson's bed, pretending to be Princess so Wendy Batshit won't discover their little scheme. Wendy is insane, but not stupid, so she acts as if she's talking to Princess and shittalks Jordan.
Sister Mary Summer explains to Daddy that Lauren is in a bad place.
Instead of working out, Kaylie is chillaxing, waiting for Austin to show up and tell her how he did at his elimination day.
He shows up, and immediately goes on about how awesome he was. He nailed his not-so-flashy 1.5, but it was so awesome that he didn't even have to do rings or show off his flashy iron cross.
Hmmm, yes. I'm sure this turns out well. We'll find out for sure when the list goes up at 4pm.
Lauren wakes up from a nap, and finds that weird wrestling kid staring at her, watching her sleep.
But he brought Otis, so it's OK. It's actually kind of a cute scene, creepy as it may be. So I won't make too much fun.
Stalker Rigo and Princess Payson are finally riding up to the retreat where Hippy Doctor is staying. They run into a guard at the gate, who asks them if they have a reservation. Princess is all "No, but I'm Princess motherfucking Payson. I need to talk to a guy." The guard calmly informs them that the whole point of a retreat is to GET THE FUCK AWAY from crazy bitches like Princess. In fact, Hippy Doctor spent a shitton of money for a little bit of time to himself. Princess is all "Um... I'm Payson. Can't you just call him?" and the guard is all "OMG, you dumb bitch. I just said that there's no talking in the whole joint. Thus, I cannot call him. Good day."
Well, Princess Payson has never let someone's wishes or requests get in her way before. She devises a plan to break into the Marilyn Manson compound. It's easy peasy.
She'll just vault her ass over the stone wall. Sounds about right. This is an exact conversation between Princess and Stalker Rigo.
Rigo: "And if he says no, do we burn the place down?"
Princess: "He's not going to say no!"
Rigo: "I hope you're right..."
Princess: *snatchy tone* "I know I'm right!"
Could she be any worse? She lands on the other side of the wall, and starts hunting around the Manson compound like she's Katniss fucking Everdeen.
Back at the hospital, Daddy and Lauren have a touching conversation about how he loves her unconditionally, Olympian or not. It's one of those given things, but it's always nice to hear.
When did Lauren become the stud of this show? I don't know, but I like it.
Back at the Manson ranch, Princess enters Hippy Doctor's shack, uninvited, of course. She just stares at him until her acknowledges her grand presence. She explains why she's there, and instead of having her arrested for trespassing, he quickly explains why he is refusing to do the procedure on Lauren. Princess is all "Well, how do you know for sure that it won't work?" and he's all "It's not that I don't know that it won't work. It's more that I don't know that I won't kill her. I am not comfortable doing this. Accept that."
So Princess continues to question him. "How could her heart be that different? She's just an elite athlete, after all. Why won't you do this extremely risky procedure? Are you so concerned about ruining your average? I know you're a renowned doctor and all, but I'm Princess motherfucking Payson. I think you should do this surgery. Otherwise you're a coward. A handsome, British coward. I googled you, and I thought you were amazing. But you're not very brave at all."
She goes on to insult the one man who could help her. She really is so delusional, and so entitled that she thinks her own beliefs and convictions outweigh those of a man who is highly skilled at what he does. Her faith in a man that she googled will surely be enough to will him through this risky heart surgery.
I hate this bitch with the heat of a thousand suns.
Back at the hospital, Lauren finally breaks down and prays, and the sun comes out from behind the clouds and life is all good again.
Princess and Stalker Rigo are back at the dorms, unfortunately, and Kaylie wants Princess to dish on her illicit night with the stalker.
She admits that she didn't bone Rigo, but she wishes she had. I wonder where this is going. Daddy shows up at the room, and asks for Princess to come see Lauren.
It's 4pm, and you know what the means: Austin's elimination list is up. And bitch looks pissed. He got cut, so he flips out and blames everything on Kaylie. He realized that a pathetic 1.5 probably wasn't enough to make an Olympic team. Yes, it's insane that he blames her, but at the same time, it's so satisfying. Maybe because it's the first time this season that he's shown an ounce of personality.
Of course, Wendy Batshit witnesses this whole thing, so she runs back to the room to tell Jordan all about it. Jordan tells her to shut her face and stop shittalking, because they're a team, there's no I in team, blah blah blah.
Princess shows up to the hospital, and Lauren apologizes for everything. Happy music plays. Lauren explains that she's accepted that sometimes God's answer is no, and that she's OK with not making the Olympics. But then, guess who shows up? Hippy Doctor! Of fucking course. He was totally convinced/threatened by Princess Payson's bullshit stalking thing, so now he agrees to at least examine her. And I'm sure he'll do the procedure and everything will be fine, and Princess will again get whatever she wants. Again, I feel like none of this was done for Lauren's benefit. This was done so that Lauren couldn't have a reason to be mad at Princess anymore. Now Lauren will owe Princess Payson for the rest of time.
Kaylie shows up with an "I'm sorry you didn't make the Olympic team" cupcake for Austin, but it's clear that he has packed up all of his shit and cleared out. He did leave a box of crap for Kaylie, including the framed journal page that Kaylie had so lovingly given him.
Poor Kaylie. On the opposite side of the love spectrum, Princess Payson is celebrating her latest victory by boning Stalker Rigo inside of a tent which is inside of a dorm room. Trashy. Not flashy.
Now she's going to have hips and boobs AND a front tuck mount on beam.
What a waste of an episode. There are only two left, we don't have TIME for this bullshit. One would think that mere weeks away from selection that the girls would be doing, oh, I don't know, GYMNASTICS. Not once did we see Kaylie, Wendy, or Princess work out. Jordan did one front tuck on beam. One front tuck does not a gold medal team make.
If there really is a God, or a magical wishing statue named Otis, then Princess will not make this team. I hate her worse than Emily, I really do. I would rather a pregnant Emily be on this team than stupid old Payson. I hate that bitch.
Until next week, friends, may your beams be fat!