i hate [wrists] like i hate the nazis.

Wrists. 

Remember when I said that sloppy fake bed head hair was the most annoying trend in gymnastics?  I lied. 

FLEXED WRISTS

are so much worse.  Like, I hate them with a passion fiery and true. 

Now, it's not fair to say that this is a crisis solely within USA gymnastics.  It's not.  There are many foreign offenders as well.  However, for time and my eyeball's sake, let's focus on the pretty little Americans.

And their horrible fucking wrists. 

Now, while some might believe that Nastia invented gymnastics, this is not actually true.  Nor did she invent flexed wrists, although she certainly does try the hardest.  Let's go back, shall we?

The year is 1992. 

While Kim Zmeskal and her normal wrists were falling off of beam, a waify little blonde with one crazy coach and two flexed wrists was staying on it.

I haven't done much research, but in my head, this is where it started.

Shannon Miller, ye of much difficulty, good extension, and HORRIBLE FREAKING WRISTS.  Who in their right mind a) taught this "technique" and b) thought that it looked ok?  Shannon went to the Soviet Union, she should have known better.


Things only got worst for Miller and the gang.  Did she ever wonder why she had massive tendinitis in her wrists?  I'm just asking, because it seems really fucking obvious.  By 1996, they were pretty much just lobster claws. 

So pretty.  So artistic.

And thus, a trend was born.  Even the seemingly perfect (until she got older and kind of media hungry) Dominique Moceanu was not immune to BUI (beaming under the influence.) 

Well, a needle scale must be impossible to do without the support of unflinchingly rigid hands, am I right?

Good thing we always have the "other" Dominique to save us.  Notice the pleasing line that draws from side to side.  Light and elegant, betraying the skill as simple.  As it should be. 

But this is not a post about nice, pretty hands.  It is about line-ruining, lightbulb turning man hands.  And so we move on.

The 1997-2000 quad, in itself, was pretty much an affront to gymnastics.  This was a time when a beat jump-rulfova was considered a "good combination."  Super pretty.  Flowed really well.

The USA had come off of this mind-blowing Olympic win, complete with compulsories and everything.  So naturally, yeah, maybe the next generation kind of had their work cut out for them.  But that is NOT an excuse for this-

I mean, yikes yikes.  What killed me about Maloney is that one wrist was more flexed than the other.  One was bad, and then the other was just worse.  When the hand cuts off into this stump-like form, as seen in the second picture, then it is time to ease up on the flexing. 

Even those gifted with "good form" (I use the term loosely) have been cursed with the wrists.

Jesus.  Ray looks like a teapot.  And McCool looks like someone when they do the "oogy boogy" thing with their hands.  Someone out there (Armine) thinks that this looks awesome. 

It can destroy even the prettiest of gymnasts. 

I am not shy with my Hollie love.  I have Hollie fever.  Always have.  However, her wrists cannot be ignored. 

She did that shit ON PURPOSE.  Seemingly just to ruin my love for gymnastics.  Wonderful gorgeous pose, gonna point my toes, and then accent my skill with *CRICK* a nice stumpy arm. 

This is when shit really got bad.  Rescue 911 Crisis Level Midnight.  From here on out, we have seen bent wrists on pretty much every American gymnast, sans a very few.

There is no excuse for this.  Girls aren't even pretending to have a dance background anymore.  And even the worst dancer with zero ballet training can grasp the concept of extending your extremities.  A three year old can understand how to point her toes.  Yet fifteen years later, we cannot expect girls to get how to point their wrists, essentially. 

Like I mentioned, there are the exceptions.  A lovely, simple body line is GLORIOUS, even with the most basic of skills.  Because we so very rarely ever see them.

Again, nothing fancy.  No flair.  Just a simple, straight line from here to there.  Making the skill look more light and graceful, and not so much beastly. 

But then we have to go ruin it with ass poses, and more bent wrists. 

I just don't get it.  When did this become cool?  Who in the world thinks it's pretty?  Why isn't it deducted the same way flexed feet are?  So many questions...

In conclusion, MAN I hate flexed wrists.  They are unnecessary, unsightly, and probably damaging to the joints as well. 

 We must ERADICATE this disease before it is too late!

i'm all about finding a freakish depressed kid and showing them what winning's all about.

Hey guys!  Sorry for the painfully long absence.  I've just been... busy.  With drama.  Well, and a new job, but mostly just uninspired drama.  But, I find myself with a day off, so why not write about what I know best: bad hair!

You'd think that with a few major competitions having passed, that I would have something of value to talk about.  This is not the case.  I could tell you who I enjoyed (Mattie!) or who I am sad about (Sami and her poor knees), who scared the crap out of me (Aly's Amanar) and who had the best butt shake (MLT.)  That stuff is all boring.

What needs to be discussed is this EPIDEMIC of horrifying hair.  It concerns me that girls are waking up, walking over to the mirror, and thinking "Hmmm, how should I wear my hair for this nationally televised competition?  I KNOW!  I'll make it look like I just got banged by a pack of frat guys.  That will really accent my lovely lines."

Harsh?  Yes.  Necessary?  Also yes. 

Case in point:

Number one offender is and always has been Sac.

This is an interesting example.  I can't hate on her too much for this, because at least her hair isn't in her face.  But I do find myself asking WHY?  It looks like she has a bunch of spoons attached to her head via this white scrunchy. 

Some odd years later, we have found ourselves with this:

Again, I mean, to be fair her hair is out of her face.  I will give her that.  But WHAT is going on with the rest of this??  Her hair appears to be like a third the size of her actual head.  And it looks stabby.  But I am kind of digging on the little braid she had in there.

If I may get shallow for a minute, we can all admit that we live in a very visual world.  You are often judged on your appearance.  Especially in these corporate days, when everything is about what you can sell, and how much money you can make.

Sac is super marketable.  She has the complete package, and would make whatever sponsors a ton of money.  Hopefully once the media identifies more with her comeback, as opposed to the dreaded BEIJING BEAM FALL of 08, she'll rake in some corporate dough.

However, if it were me, and I'm in charge of some super profitable tween product and I'm paying Sac the big bucks to be the face of said product, I am FORCING her to fix her hair.  Apathy does not sell.  Complacency does not sell.  A girl who is beating the odds and doing everything she can to erase this negative experience she had shouldn't look like she just ... doesn't care.  She should look fierce and awesome and ball-busting.  The eagle's nest is not ball-busting.

Onward.

Our newest little sass queen, Miss Mattie Larson, fell victim to the wannabe bed head on the second night of Nationals.  (Visa Championships?  Tampax Championships?  Accutane Championships?  Bump It Classics?)

Here's my theory.  I say this only out of love, and because we've all been there.  You spend X amount of hours straightening your hair, and making it look awesome, which hers did, on the first night.

I love love LOVE this look.  Relaxed, yet natural.  Very flattering.  It is also secured tightly out of her face, while not being so pulled back and daring to succumb to the controlled cliche that is gymnastics.  Because we just couldn't have that. 

Anyway, we all know what it's like to spend all that time on your hair.  All night long, you get complimented on how awesome your hair looks.  So, what, you're just going to go home and RUIN your artwork by taking a hot shower and washing it?  I think not.

The best of us have mastered the art of getting in the shower, washing everything that needs to be washed, and not getting one hot drop of water in our hair.  Without a shower cap.  Do those things even exist?  I think they're like leprechauns.

Oh, the accomplishment you feel.  It's like defying the hair gods.  You will get away with wearing your newly straightened hair, come hell or high water.

But then the next day rolls around, and it's just... not the same.  You try to get it to look as awesome as it did before, but it just won't.  So, in desperation, we all resort to that ugly, flipped under ponytail look.  It happens to all of us.

Which is why I won't judge Mattie so harshly, not just yet.  We'll see how she looks come worlds.  If she, for some reason, finds worlds the appropriate venue to wear a rat's nest hairdo, then we will have issues.  


In all my hair harshness though, I'm surprised that I don't hate Sloan's hair.  I don't love it, but it doesn't bother me.

It's out of her face, priority number one.  Yeah, it's obvious she's spending a lot of time to make it look messy, ON PURPOSE, but it doesn't look bad.  It's an appropriately sized and shaped bun, and it creates a nice line.

And that's really what it's all about.

i realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality. but, face it, i'm legend. it's happened.

Work, then off to CHICAGO for CLASSICS!!  I'm driving in with my dear, thoughtful fiance who informed me I would be spending the weekend alone because he's going to get trashed with his Navy buddies.  Eh, what can you do.  I've got better things to focus on, like an all-day gymnastics BONANZA. 

This was the photo that came up when I googled "gymnastics bonanza."  Again, I won't argue this.  It's going to be a good day...

brunettes have no place in show business.

This is about a week late, but sue me.  I've been so into this book I'm reading, The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  All I've wanted to do is read, and not melt my brain away in front of my computer.  But, I finished the book, so now I'm back to brain melting.

So last week's Make It or Break It.  Now, I've gone on record saying this was a much better episode than we've seen in the past, but mind you that's not saying much.  Maybe it's just my brain already melting, but moments in this episode almost seemed a teeny tiny bit real.  Like Emily in the hotel room.

Aside from the useless clips in her hair (seriously, I use a million of these clips a day.  And they are not used for whatever she's doing with them), this was a cute moment.  I still do handstands all of the time, everywhere I go.  It's obnoxious.  But it's not like I can just NOT do them.  It's stress-relieving, it's mindless.  It just needs to be done. 

But that's about it as far as reality goes for this show.  Because soon we are inundated with sandwiches, Romanians in pink leotards, and dudes wearing sunglasses while doing pommels. 

So Nastia.  Yeah...  what the hell?  I'm not going to lie and pretend like I wasn't excited for her appearance on the show.  Despite all the evidence proving otherwise, the producers seem to actually know who real gymnasts are.  And Nastia doing commentary didn't seem like such a bad gig.  Right?

Wrong.  Turns out Nastia needed to hawk some Subway sandwiches instead.

Oy.  First of all, and I know this isn't news, but the wardrobe people on this show need to be fired.  Like NOW.  Poor Nastia.  The entire gymternet rips apart her physical appearance every day, and this outfit isn't going to help that.  The sad thing is, this outfit really is the culprit here.  First of all, purple = Barney.  Everyone knows that.  And how is her dress too big and too small at the same time?  That doesn't even make sense.  Thirdly, why do all gymnasts insist on wearing clothes that cinch their non-existent waists? 

 "Hiya Champ!!"

Where is her waist?  Oh, I don't know, right below her boobs, I guess.  And is she stuffing her bra?  Why is the top of her dress like a size XXXXL?  Or was that a ploy to make her look thinner? 

I just wish girls knew how to dress.  Flatter what you've got, and hide what you don't.  We all know Nastia is still skinny as hell, according to normal people standards.  She just needs to stop wearing such horrible, horrible things. 

The gymnastics in the episode, by and large, was very MIOBI-ish.  I don't understand how Courtney Kupets can play every single character. 

Also, I didn't know this, but apparently guys wear sunglasses while doing events inside. 

Also, they might want to be careful with the whole reflective sunwear thing.  You can see the camera man in his glasses.


See, I look at those sort of things.  I look in the background.  Now, warning, once things have been seen, they cannot be unseen.

Why, it's just a picture of Lauren, her ugly braid, and her super high Barbie ponytail.  Nothing to see here...

Oh wait. 

There it is.  Such a lovely, fine piece of gymnastics.  It should be noted too that this was the apex of the "leap."  It didn't get any higher, or splittier. 

So that's that.  What happens next?  Will we see real gymnastics?  Will we see more of Lauren's fugly hair?  Oh, the possibilities...  

i recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because i had a very satisfying dream that i once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts.

And I'm back! 

To be fair, I've actually been back for a few days now, but I just needed some time to recoup from such a "fun" trip.  And by fun I mean horrible.  But nevermind all that.  I have my internets back!

Too bad there is NOTHING even remotely related to gymnastics going on right now.  Aside from the Japan Cup, which I admittedly don't know much about, and this weekend's camp that had absolutely zero news come out of it.  The most interesting thing I saw was a group photo with all the girls in their workout leos. 

Something about Becca's leo is so wrong, it's right. 

Make It or Break It should have some of these on their show instead of those weird Nastia collection ones.  I know Nastia has designed some cute leos, but also some duds.  And the duds are all on MIOBI.  I would need sunglasses just to walk into that gym.  Which is totally possible, by the way.  At the Rock, people can just walk right in and stand on the floor, if they'd like.

Let's discuss the season premier of our favorite show, shall we?  There are too many other sites that are great at recapping, so I won't bother with all that.  I'll just point out some of the most noticeable WTFs. 

Obviously, the opening sequence was a huge WTF.  Yeah, you're the big bad Rock girls, we get it.  That said, I'm not sure why they were doing a photo shoot in 80's glam hooker wear. 

It's fair to say the Lauren looks like a tranny here, right?  Colored streaks in your hair and bright red lipstick obviously means you're a rebel.  Ugh, but why purple?  It totally clashes with rust colored "leotard" she has on.  And they couldn't find a slutty ensemble that fits, at least?  This looks bulky on Lauren in all the wrong places. 

Obviously, fit was not the number one priority for the wardrobe staff.

Poor Emily.  Yeeshk.  And poor stunt double.  How are you supposed to tumble with 1/2 of your ass hanging out??  The wedgies that must have produced, ugh. 

Lauren's double doesn't have it much better. 

Oh, another thing we've learned this week: gymnasts love to work out in the dark.  It's way easier. 

I've collected many, many IG mags in my day.  And never once have I see three scantily clad girls on the cover.  Ever.

Like, hi, can we not sexualize gymnasts?  Nevermind that they're supposedly only sixteen in this show.  We all know that you can't respect a female athlete unless she's HOT.

It's not all for nothing, however.  Lauren does a ROCKING scale on beam.  All funning aside, I do like her hands.  Everything else about this picture cracks me up though.  

MIOBI is still the authority on gymnastics accuracy, obviously.  From the super-realistic rips that totally don't look like  grape Kool Aid spots-

-to Lauren doing some barre work on the beam while another girl is seemingly working out on it. 

I'm sure this happens at gyms all around the world.  Such beautiful ballet work...

I had a picture of Lauren flashing Creepy Carter, but the picture bored me.  She's not even wearing a cute outfit.  Pink ruffly boy shorts are so out.  That does not mean, however, that rust colored, buttcheek exposing leotards are in.  Because they're not. 

Give me Bross's leotard any day. 

from fort wayne, indiana, the not-at-all stupidly named, aural intensity!

Hi my old friends!  I have not left for good, I promise.  Just have to get through this NIGHTMARE trip to Alaska, and then we're all good.  So just two more full days and a wake up, and I will be coming home.  Thank you Jeebus. 

I have nothing to write, because my brain is literally just turned into mush.  I have mush brain.  A lot has happened over the last two weeks, and it's enough to even make me forget about gymnastics.  That's how much has been going down.

But never fear, Spanny F. Tampson will return, triumphant and  heralded.  Obvs.

So in lieu of anything important, you get a picture that makes me laugh.  A gigglepic.

even your breath stinks of mediocrity.

Britney effing Spears.  How come it's so awesome to montages to her music, but so horrifying to do FX routines to them?  Seriously, Bama.  Horrifying.

But never mind all that.  Here is yet another training montage.  These girls are so militant, it's awesome.  How come Ferrari is the only one to have gone into the military?  OMG, perfect movie idea.  A former world champion gymnast gets recruited into the service.  It would be like Stick It, but better.  Twists and tumbles into the terrorist's FACE.  We'll call it The Hitch-Kick Assassin. 

Just because I'm sure you'll all be oh so concerned in my absence, I'm leaving town for a week.  Road trip.  Yay.  Totally need a sarcasm font right now.