It's a beautiful, 75 degree day in Minnesota today, which is why I've decided to spend it inside watching YouTube videos.
I randomly ended up on this video. So, this has to be like, the coolest gym on the planet. Why? Because, while they make these movies, they combine two of my most favorite things: gymnastics (duh) and The Office!
From what I gather in the comments, a bunch of level 9s film these parodies during their gym-hosted birthday parties. Which sounds kind of awesome. They've also made two other spoofs, it seems. "Gym of the Dead", which involves a bunch of gymnasts-turned-zombies, and "1970s Gym," which includes Rocky, Star Wars, and Jaws. I'd like to add that the dude playing Jabba the Hut crawling out of his mat-cave is pretty impressive.
But the best of the bunch was by far their Office spoof. It's not much plot-wise, but it seems to be that they're training for regionals (WHAT'S WITH REGIONALS???) Their head coach stars as the Michael, the idiot who has no idea how to lead his group. But he's the coach, so he knows best. First, he throws in the seriously inappropriate-in-this-setting
"That's not going by my mouth" "That's what she said!" bit.
Now, while I totally appreciate its inclusion, and would probably make the joke myself, this dialogue seems highly inappropriate given how it is being said to a bunch of tweens alone in a room with some older male dude. But who am I to judge?
Then, in some wacky drill, he flings a girl onto the ground, and then covers her up with a jacket once she fails to get up.
"She's just had such a good workout... she needs a rest."
The girl who plays Stanley is awesome.
"I gave up on us winning anything a long time ago.
Now, I just stay in the back, I do my puzzles, and wait for a time out."
I'm also really digging this girl's portrayal of Kevin. First of all, the squinty face is spot on.
And her monologue was cute too. "I am really, really excited about regionals. I bet a whole bunch of money on the other team to win. Bad coach is going to pay off BIG."
Not quite sure what happens here, but suddenly GymDwight barfs all over the opposing team, causing them to forfeit the meet (since they were barfed on?) Sure. Why not?
Then we're randomly left with Kevin pulling candy out of her top and eating it.
Again, why not?
Yes, it's silly, but it looks like it was a ton of fun to do. That's my kind of fun too. And I'll always encourage new ways to have fun in the gym. Maybe it's the fun breaks like this that keeps girls from burnout, you know?
So yeah. Weird as it may be, this film gets Spanny Tampson's two big thumbs up.
I mean really. What else is there to say? This girl is the poo, and everyone knows it. It is like the one thing the entire gymnastics universe can agree on. You've got Shawn vs. Nastia, Miller vs Gutsu, and then Chellsie vs NOTHING. She's so awesome she doesn't even need to compete. She just wins automatically.
She's the Chuck Norris of gymnastics.
So, friends, enjoy the stunning awesomeness that is Chellsie Effing Memmel.
So, I was over at Full In Full Out, because I'm obsessed with her blog and read it like every day, and she had written asking for some gymnastics-themed cake suggestions. Apparently, she is very into gymnastics and cake. I too, am very into in gymnastics and cake. Another hint that we're probably internet soul mates. So naturally, I had to rip off her gym cake post idea.
Anyhoo, I went over to Cake Central, because they have absolute buttloads of user-submitted cake photos, and it's the best place to pilfer ideas. Since they're awesome, they had a good number of really neat gym cakes!
Let's have a look-see.
This one is hands down my favorite.
They're monkeys!! On the bars! Monkey bars!! Get it?? Look at their little headbands! I think the detail is great, and according to the baker, the monkeys, bananas, and balls were all made out of gumpaste. I have some paste, but I haven't tried working with it yet. Looks tricky.
Seriously, what a rad cake to have at your gym party.
Now, I like this one, even though it features rhythmic gym as opposed to artistic gym. Maybe it's just my penchant for extraordinarily long legs.
I'm not a huge fan of the girl doing the back walkover. Obviously, that position is just kind of fug, and the leotard, while accurate, is offensively shiny. But she does have good hand placement. So there's that. The girl in the red has a very Romanian seeming leo, which is cute. They all three have good toepoint, and those medals are precious.
This one isn't as gym-themed, but I still really like it. Maybe it's the little chunky kid on the beam. I also like the homage to the "perfect 10."
I miss you, perfect 10.
Now, I'm not a gigantic fan of men's gymnastics, and even less of a fan of the stupid pommels, but this is a seriously cute cake.
Fondant and gumpaste over a stacked cake. I'm always in awe of carved cakes.
I like this one because it includes the whole gym. Except, mind you, the vault. But close enough.
Paige is a beast though, holy balls.
Not all of the cakes were awesome, unfortunately. Like, this one, in theory, should be totally cute.
Pink and brown can be ok, and the ribbons are a nice touch. The structure is a little strange... like, is the rectangular piece supposed to be a beam? But what really threw me off here was the placing of the toppers. Call me a perv, but the first thing I see here is 69. It took me a second to realize that was a 6, and then a gymnast.
This one is just lumps. Brightly colored lumps. Cool idea for the bars, but the rest... why is there a red car??
And finally, we have a very special cake. It's just... special.
Where to start? The beam looks like it's made out of cookie dough, which now that I think of it, actually sounds pretty tasty. The brownness of the frosting skeeves me out. All cracking and bubbling. You really couldn't make it go all the way to the bottom? And I don't know what those little colored shards are for, but they don't look very appealing either. Last but not least, the gymnast. I think her head's on backwards, or at least, I hope it is. And I'm sure there was a way to not give her ape arms. I'm sure of it.
So yes. Many gymnastics cakes to behold. Should I ever have kids, and let's be honest, that will probably never happen, they are getting gymnastics themed birthday cakes every single year. Unless they're boys, in which case they get hockey cakes.
Now, in light of other more horrifying, craptastic gymnastics-themed after school specials, what we're about to see here isn't that bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's BAD, but not as disturbing as the previous one. This one actually had Cathy Rigby as a consultant, and it shows, however slightly. I don't know what was going on during the 80-84 quad to make people think that the public needed to be enlightened to the atrocities in gymnastics, but there seemed to be this epidemic of hating the sport.
Well, perhaps this video will explain to us just why training in gymnastics is the worst thing you could ever allow your children to do, ever.
As always, let's start at the beginning.
The first thing we see is a vibrant, young couple frolicking on the beach. The girl steals her boyfriend's hat, and then jumps on his back, because that's not annoying at all. Since he's a bitty guy, he plummets to the sand, and naturally he lands nearly on top of her, as all teenage boys tend to do.*
It is seemingly the only way writers know to get their actors close enough to each other to convey that awkward, OMG WE'RE TOUCHING experience.
She rolls away from him, and teeters off to this branch/log of wood thing. Which obviously becomes a beam to her, and she starts showing us some of her rocking gym moves. I'm not going to lie, that's really corny, but kind of cute. I mean, who of us didn't do that ALL OF THE TIME? Plus, she has pretty hands, which I am quite the stickler for. So already, I'm liking this show much more than the previous ASS (after school special, you sickos.)
So, am I on glue, or is this actress actually doing her own stunts? According to IMDB, she was some sort of soap star by the age of 18, but I don't care about that crap. I wanted to find out if she had any gym background. Doesn't say. They also don't have any stunt people listed. And let's be honest... this doesn't look like a film with a budget big enough to hire doubles. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part. Just the concept if using real gymnasts blows my mind.
OH MY FRICKING FRICK. This actress also played Mary Angela on Friends!
Heck yeah.
I knew I liked her.
Back to the real stuff. She does a pretty front walkover on her driftwood before bowing to her boyfriend. Cue conversation about how excited she is to train at "Wade's," which I'm assuming is the Karolyi's of their world. Why, if she does well at Wade's, she could make it all the way to Nationals, maybe even the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS. But... she's worried because at this gym, she won't be the grand poobah anymore. Small fish in a big pond, and all that. They share a steamy smooch, and then it's time to go. Like, right then. No use wasting time, I suppose...
We pull up to the ranch, I mean Wade's. Her parents do her bitch work while she runs off to check out the gym. In one roundoff backhandspring, they show more feasible gymnastics than an entire episode of MIOBI. This gym actually resembles a real gym, albeit a tiny 1970's one. I mean, it actually has mats on the ground. Same safety issues though, it seems, as Ginny (her name is Ginny, btw) sidles up right next to the beam while another girl is using it.
Ginny awkwardly stares at a young blonde girl on bars, who is obviously the HBIC. She does some decent skills, for the 80s. She does a toe-front dismount, and then hops right on beam. Yup, seems like the ranch to me. Miss Wade comes over to introduce herself, and brag about how good all of her girls are. Ginny mentions that she's caught off guard, because she knew the other girls would be good, but not this good... I wonder where this is going.
They cut to a busty girl on beam, who's doing her business. However, when they show her going into her dismount, it's quite obviously a much smaller, younger girl. Whatever. I'm still impressed by the girls they found who could do gym. Apparently Ginny knows this girl, Carla with the Boobs. I'm sure they'll be fast friends. Wade whisks Ginny off to check out the dorms, while the blonde HBIC gives her best Nastia bitchface.
It's not bad, for a young thing. When asked who the new girl is, Carla with the Boobs tells HBIC that Ginny was last year's Oregon state champ, and she should be considered competition. We get a cool "we'll see" from HBIC. She's so cool. Yes, we will see, won't we, HBIC. We will see...
So Ginny's chilling in her room, unpacking, when the other girls start sprinting down the hall (I know that's the first thing I did after a nice, long workout. Ran like a MF down a hallway.) We overhear HBIC and Carla with the Boobs talking about Ginny. Naturally, being girls, they have to yell while they gossip, so Ginny also hears everything they have to say. I can't really even understand it, but I think it's just the same crap they were saying at the gym. HBIC comes in, and introduces herself, and is all fake-nice, as is the style in girl-world. Ginny is just as catty back, and tells her "I'm Ginny Coker... from Oregon." Bitch. Dun dun DUNNN.
Next, we're shown the girls grubbing at lunch. They even have real gym posters in the background, unlike the wacky, upside-down posters over at The Rock...
Some girl rudely asks Ginny to pass the salad, and Ginny hesitates... because she ate it all. Girl, I have SO been there. Now, what kind of gymnastics show would this be without the inevitable MUST LOSE WEIGHT conversation? The salad bitch lets us know that if you're even a few ounces over competition weight "the great dictator" will put you on a green and beets diet. I think that's what she said. HBIC totally starts to troll Ginny, asking her if she thinks she can "make it all the way" this year, and "how old are you, Coker?" I knew I liked this bitch.
"Sixteen, almost...seventeen."
"Really?? THAT old?"
This girl has game.
Miss Wade barges in to inform us that since they have a very important regional meet (again, what's with the regionals??) coming up, so the "overweights" will have to be up one hour early, no breakfasts, morning runs and workouts instead, and only exercise, vitamins and lettuce for dinner.
OK.
It's shit like this that chaps my ass about gymnastics shows. Assume all you want that that's how every evil coach in the real world really handled things. Maybe it was, how would I know? But if they wanted to teach us about unsafe dieting, or the pressures on athletes to stay thin, then talk about it! Suggest a healthier way to do it! Don't just buy in to the scandalous lives of gymnasts and how they only eat lettuce and vitamins. Furthermore, this film makes it seem pretty ok to implement those rules, and to refer to the girls as "overweights." /rant.
Back to the show, Ginny is immediately added to the overweight list, because, well, she is rather busty. And she ate all that salad. Now there will be no lettuce left over for the other girls at dinner, humpf. Back in the dorms, Ginny and Carla with the Boobs get into some competitive situps, because that's what girls who are put on the overweight list do.
At the next session, Ginny has to show her beam and bars to everyone in the gym. She does alright, but she's lacking a bit in the difficulty department. HBIC, the Bruno Grandi of the group, if you will, tells it like it is.
"She couldn't have won much with that simple routine..."
Miss Wade confirms HBIC's opinion, telling Ginny that with the low difficulty, that pesky weight problem, and being almost seventeen, well... they've got a lot of work to do.
Cue montage of the girls struggling during workout. Miss Wade does some conditioning on the track with the girls, and runs like a banshee. Do you remember that episode of Friends where Rachel is too embarrassed to run with Phoebe? It's something like that. Back at the gym, Miss Wade stands around with her clipboard, which seems to be the thing to do in these shows. This part made me chuckle. Ginny, while repeating this one transition she just can't seem to get, falls on her back JUST LIKE in the first ASS we saw. Did it break her back? No. She just got up and tried it again. Just like in the real world. Ouch, and to rub salt in the wound, Miss Wade brings HBIC over to show Ginny how to really do the skill. Poor HBIC, she had to get off of her perch.
A totally realistic spot for any girl to be chilling in the gym.
I'm sure Martha totally lets Bross just hang out on beam all day.
Ginny tries the skill yet again, but still can't get it. Miss Wade suggests that she drop the skill, at least until after regionals (because it is such an important meet...) Ginny doesn't like this idea one bit, because they were totally just telling her how she absolutely needed to up her difficulty. But, whatever, what Miss Wade says goes.
Next, we're shown Ginny trying to bust into the gym late at night. Miss Wade, seemingly with no other life, is hovering right outside of the gym, so she hustles over to inform Ginny that the doors are always locked at night, so that crazy bitches don't go in there to work out alone and then hurt themselves. And then somehow Ginny gets sucked into helping Miss Wade clean the gym, so that blows.
Finally, we're back at workout. The girls are doing some wackadoodle vault drill where they run over elevated blocks and use a trampoline instead of a springboard. Ginny starts off with a handspring, but tells Miss Wade that she'd like to try a tsuk. Because you don't need to do drills or anything for a tsuk. Just throw that shit. Carla with the Boobs throws a handspring front, and lands on her ass. Miss Wade bitches at her, telling her that her pre-flight is way too high. SHE'S ON A TRAMPOLINE!!! Of course it's high.
Then comes the random Asian girl...
This gif doesn't even do this fall justice. The scream needs to be heard in order to really be appreciated.
As we all know, all injuries are career ending, if not life threatening, so this poor girl is out of REGIONALS. This will remind the rest of the girls to be careful, because if they get hurt, then who will compete at REGIONALS??
Maybe this is in Ginny's head while she's getting ready to throw her back tuck on beam. Or it could be that she's watching HBIC do her awesome beam series of 3X BHS. I love her so much. Whatever it is, she's psyched out because she keeps missing her tuck. This is all made worse by AGAIN overhearing all the girls gossiping about her back in the dorms. HBIC is just telling it like it is, what with Ginny missing her dismount a dozen times, well, she won't even place at REGIONALS, let alone nationals or worlds. Ginny, being all lurky, comes out from behind the corner and confronts HBIC about all this. HBIC, being both bitchy and genuine, tells her that she's pretty good on floor, but she needs the back tuck to place on beam.
Ginny's not putting up with that shit. She somehow jacks the key to the gym, and busts in. Bring on the creepy music. Miss Wade somehow hears the key turn from like a mile away, and runs off to find out who's breaking into her gym. The Ginnster throws one back tuck before Miss Wade is there to freak out at her. Rightly so. That's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Wade grounds her, puts her on the overweight list forever, and takes away the back tuck for REGIONALS. Oh noes! That's the final straw. Ginny flips out at Miss Wade for being so tough and so mean. What's a girl to do? Run away to the nearest burger joint, of course.
The next morning, Ginny has her boyfriend pick her up from the burger shack. She's already downing some fries before she even gets in the car. She has a heart-to-heart in the car with her boyfriend, all the while stuffing her face with cheeseburgers. Then, right after she gets home, we see her heaping piles and piles of mashed potatoes onto her plate at dinner. Her parents look concerned, but eh... not really.
After dinner, Ginny waddles on down to the beach, and hops up on that old piece of driftwood. She does a couple of moves, and then balks before throwing her back tuck. She must just not love gymnastics anymore.
As she gets back to the house, she notices Carla with the Boobs, who has shown up inexplicably. They see each other and start to scream, as girls are apt to do. Seems Carla with the Boobs got booted from the gym, so she assumed she could commiserate with Ginny. Seeing as how she quit and all. Carla with the Boobs is stressing because her parents are going to think she's a failure, and that gymnastics is all she wants out of life. Ginny starts to compare her having a bitch-fit and walking out to Carla with the Boobs' being cut, and we all know how annoying that shit is. She lets Ginny have it, calling her out for being intimidated by HBIC, and for being a little wiener because she's not the best girl in the gym. She ends her little speech with a "and now you'll never know, you dumb jerk." It is literally the most random delivery of any line in the history of anything.
Motivated by her recent ass-chewing, Ginny goes out to the ole' piece of driftwood to work out. And just like how Emily Kmetko can do her full bar routines on the monkey bars at the playground: this girl can throw back tucks on pieces of lumber on the beach!
Well wowee. This is all it takes to remind her that she actually loves gymnastics, and she runs off to beg Miss Wade to take her back.
Miss Wade has no words, other than to tell Ginny that she's put on some weight. She tells Wade she only gained a couple pounds (in like two days?? I feel you sister...) which only gives Wade the opportunity to put her on the overweight list for another billion years.
Cue really long training montage. Ginny is shown getting better, and more importantly, thinner, while HBIC stews and gets all worried. Ginny gets a rip and *snort* has to stay off the bars for the rest of the day. Ok. Sure.
During this whole montage, I was trying to figure out if they were using stunt doubles or not. If they are, then it is effing SEAMLESS, and MIOBI should be ashamed.
Finally, we're at REGIONALS. Or on the bus to regionals. Miss Wade gives a weak little pep talk to both HBIC and Ginny, as they are the only two that matter. Once they arrive at the meet, there's an establishing shot of the gym, and I have to admit I was relieved to see that they were doing real vaulting, as opposed to whatever trampoline nonsense they were doing back at home.
Cue yet another really long montage of the competition. They pretty much just show HBIC and Ginny nailing all of their routines. And by nailing, I mean landing their vaults Khorkina-styley.
Ginny sticks her final dismount, off of beam, and they immediately cut to HBIC being awarded her medal. But wait... which podium is she on?? Why, she's on the 2nd place podium, which means Ginny wins! Shocking. After being awarded the world's tiniest medals, HBIC looks up to Ginny and tells her that she did alright... for an old lady.
See, I knew all along that HBIC was actually awesome. She should have won too, in my opinion. But that's neither here nor there. The point is... well, I don't know what the point of all this was. While entertaining, this ASS was especially pointless. Just seemed to be yet another film made to purport the theory that gymnastics is horrible to all involved... unless they win. Then everything is cool beans.
Oh, Svetlana Khorkina, you crafty bitch. The eternal nemesis to my Dominique Moceanu. See, in my eyes, anyone who competed against Domi was evil. So you had Sveta, Atler, and Shannon Miller, all three who would be played by the tallest, nastiest, grubbiest barbies I had laying around. We actually used to have an old Peggy Fleming barbie, who was quite androgynous. We gave her an even worse haircut than she already came with, and renamed her Tranzie. Tranzie would often be cast as Khorkina. Domi, on the other hand, would always be played by Stacie, this awesome, flexible doll, who was one of Barbies many little sisters. Bitch had some busy parents.
Stacie was the poo. She had flexible joints, INCLUDING bendy ankles and a bendy back. She came clad in this awful full-body outfit... just like Julianne McNamara in the world's best ASS (after school special, you pervs.) Naturally, she needed a makeover.
Old Stacie/Domi:
New, Awesome Makeover Stacie/Domi!
The short hair allows her to balance, and no longer throws off her twists. What? A 28 year old woman altering her old dolls in order to give them quicker rotation weirds you out? Well eff you.
Where was I going with this... oh yes. Khorkina. I made a montage of our dear, sweet Sveta. I don't still hate her... well, kind of. OK, so I don't hate her, I'm just unimpressed. I respect her originality, and I truly wish more girls would try the Khorkina transition. But that's about it. I never saw her toe-dragging as choreography, and her landings constantly made my knees hurt.
So this montage emanates from the idea that maybe Svetlana Khorkina was not the greatest, most fanstastic, fault-less gymnast of all time.
So, I was being especially nerdy the other day, and was particularly bored.
The result?
Gym Sims!!
Real ASac
Sim ASac
Real Shawn Johnson
Sim Shawn Johnson
Real Bridget Sloan
Sim Bridget Sloan
Real Nastia Liukin
Sim Nastia Liukin
Real Samantha Peszek
Sim Samantha Peszek
Real Chellsie Memmel
Sim Chellsie Memmel
I'm happy about how Alicia, Shawn, and Bridget turned out. Nastia and Sam came out alright, and Chellsie isn't even close. Oh well. It was a fantastic waste of time.
A few more samples of awesomeness...
Sims with the "childish" trait do this annoying autonomous thing where they make faces in the mirror. But in this instance, I thought it was cute, so I allowed it...
Nastia is shown here rocking the bitchface. It looks like Chellsie is honking at Alicia, but I'm not too sure as to why...
Alicia just being awesome
Again, I don't know why the Sims do what they do. But it looks funny, so I dig it.
Nastia planning to overthrow the WORLD
Sim Shawn reminds me of someone else... like maybe a cartoon character? I can't put my finger on it...
I had to put them in bathingsuits, as they were the only thing that resembled leos. And I guess if ASU can get away with bathingsuit style leos, then so can my girls. After all, they do have the figures to pull it off.
So yeah. This is how I spend my time. I'll post more pics if I get around to it. I'm also thinking about making some other gymnasts, like maybe Khorkina or someone high-profile like that.
What's extra fun is that I put these girls in the same town as my bachelor sim. My goal was to have him knock up as many women as possible, and therefore become a baby daddy as many times as possible.
He has way more now, like 20 kids. Anywho, I'll have to keep him away from these girls... maybe not Asac. They might make cute sim babies.
