This is what I do when I'm called off of work at the last minute.
I am clearly growing delirious with boredom.
This reminds me that I think Dougie should add a super crazy high Hindorff to her routine.
That's a delightful headless double layout dismount.
So, I think I may have found this one Barbie on Ebay that I have spent the last year or so hunting for. This is the fucking MESSIAH of gymnastics Barbies. It's not actually a gymnastics Barbie, per say, but it is absolutely built for Spanny Tampson Barbie gymnastics glory. This isn't your 1996 Olympic Gymnast Barbie with the blonde hair and flat feet with ribbons. Oh no. This is something else. The auction is over in five days, so here's hoping my paltry bid wins. And if it does, WATCH OUT INTERNET! Vintage gymnastics Barbie is coming for you.
What WAS this?? I just... I don't even know. At first glance, it's a FX routine by your current world champion. While she's wearing pigtails. And little snow boots. I don't know what to say about that.
Actually, yes I do. I'll start with WHAT THE FUCK? Like, OK, I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't enjoy a cutesy routine from time to time, because I do. I was, after all, raised in the Moceanu generation. That said, cutesy heel-toe butt waggle routines are only charming when performed by children. Moceanu was a child when she got away with pounding the floor and sticking her ass out. At 14, it was brilliant and adorable. By 15 it was awkward and strange.
So when I see a classy, stunning TWENTY year old wearing pigtails and prancing around, I become concerned. As we get older, pigtails are found in four separate areas:
1. 1999 Britney Spears videos
2. College girls dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween
3. Anime
4. Porn
Now, I would never judge Ksenia for #2 (we've all done it, don't lie) I don't see her falling into the other categories. Notice, nowhere is "Doing a gala routine after winning a meet in Mexico," listed.
The boots. Word has it that this is some sort of homage to a traditional Russian dance, so OK, whatever. I highly doubt that this traditional dance involves ankle-high snow boots with little cat toy danglies on the back. Worn with no pants, a leotard, and a cape.
As any lady knows, poofy ankle boots worn WITHOUT PANTS creates a very stubby leg line. Now, to give the gorgeous Afan stubby legs is difficult, but these boots get the job done. Also, they really bring attention to that fact that she's not wearing any pants.
So, little girl hair: check. Horrible boots for the cold Mexico nights: check. What else could we add to this gem of a routine?
Yassss. Some buttoreography.
It's not entirely ladylike to bend over at the waist and stick your ass out. Again, if you're a junior and maybe using some clown music, it's doable. It is never OK for a 20 year old. Ever. Because you know what you end up with? This.
Unacceptable.
Taking a break from her busy ass-display schedule, Afan does make time for some calisthenics.
I want to make some snarky comment about the purposely flexed feet, but all I can think is that I wish Team USA would copy her a little bit. Even when looking like Jazzercize Barbie, Afan looks fab. There is no denying that.
Oop, we have to get back to sticking our butts out and shrugging our shoulders. Because we're just so CUTE.
Amid all of the horrifying assstickouttery, Afan did manage to throw in one of THESE. So I can't hate. Too much.
Heaven. Only if everyone in heaven wore tacky little boots, in which case it would actually be hell.
Ksenia wraps up this little mindfuck with a tribute to Michelle Tanner.
"You got it, dude!"
Also, she flashes us her crotch while keeping her foot flexed, in a stunning display of hamstring flexibility.
A few gala routines that were slightly less horrifying than this one:
In summation, I really hate galas. For the most part, they are a mockery of gymnastics. And I'm sorry, but who would ever pay money to watch an elite level gymnast prance around and do a few back handsprings? I mean, yeah, I totally sat front row to the 1996 Mag 7 tour, but that was a different time. Moceanu totally did a double back on FX, and Dawes did 4 LOSOs on BB. FOUR MOTHERFUCKING LAYOUT STEPOUTS. They don't make them like that anymore. And until they do, stop doing galas.
STOP THE PRESSES!!!!
We have found one. It's blurry, it's far away, but it uses the Hockey Night in Canada music and that's all I need to know to deem it AMAZING!
So, from both the above video, as well as Afan's nightmare, one could deduce that the teams were given a small about of time to create a routine based on the team they're competing for. So for Afan, the horrible Russian ass show. For the Canucks, brilliant wonderful Hockey Night music. My second mission: find better video of that routine!
Also, like, would this not make one HELL of a reality show? Kind of like SYTYCD. The teams get a random theme, and then have to create a gymnastics routine around it. In one hour. Now THAT'S TV!
OK, so I thought the recent USOC London photoshoot pictures were super cute. So, so, so much better than those creepy mask pictures from pre-Beijing.
Now, that said, I seriously question the professional ability of the photographer of this latest bunch. Or the hair and makeup team (if there even was one?) And the artistic director. That said, I'm no expert, so who am I to judge? But you know what I am an expert on? BENT FUCKING WRISTS.
I mean REALLY? Does that not HURT? I'm tempted to photoshop a basketball on her hand and have her slam dunking. Do the kids still call it that, slam dunking? Because unless you are carrying a ball, or spooning up water or something, there is no reason to ever have your wrist in that position. Ever.
I will give Nastia credit for not wearing pink, a Bump-It, or a pink Bump-It. Also, I love the lovely arabesque position. The wrists, however, make it look like she's trying to fly home. You are not a bird, Nastia Godzilla Liukin. So stop it.
Sigh. I have been defending Jordyn's leaps for some time now. This is a fine leap, marred by hands that look like they're putting on a puppet show. You know, one of those shadow puppets you'd make on the wall when you had nothing better to do at a sleepover. The left hand is a duck, while the right hand is an old man walking.
Now, surely you're asking
"But Spanny, you seem to hate everything about gymnastics. Are there any wrist positions that you DO like?"
Yes, there are!
BAM
LIKE THAT
Oh yeah girl, that's some good wrist right there.
One day, when I become NTC, I'm going to devise a contraption that prevents girls from flexing their wrists. A fancy splint of some sort. It would bend backwards to allow for back handsprings and such, but it would not bend forwards. Imagine the lines, IMAGINE THEM!!! It's only a matter of time...
Will it never end?? I will admit, some of these were tricky. They almost looked like different leotards. Then, upon closer inspection, I realized that THEY ARE ALL THE SAME DESIGN, and GK seriously needs to brainstorm a few new ideas.
Here are the top three most obnoxiously overused leotards currently in rotation.
1. The Freaking Pinwheel.
I touched on this back in September (before everyone else started jacking the topic.) I am over the pinwheel. It could have been cute, but everyone and their mother decided to use it, so hipster leotard critic judges their choices.
This is how you know it's time to move on.
2. The Ugly Starfish
Woof. This isn't even a cute leotard, like the Freaking Pinwheel. It is overused AND ugly. It looks like they all really suck at paintball.
3. Pube Curls
This was another one that I touched on in September. Obviously, most people remember Mustafina for wearing this during her dominating win in Rotterdam.
However, just about every other single girl on the planet has also worn this leotard.
The earliest exposure appears to be from Ivana Hong back in 2007, where she wore like 7 different versions of this leotard. I believe Bross also wore it that year (is that pic from Pan Ams?) It's all gone downhill since then.
Joining The Freaking Pinwheel, The Ugly Starfish, and Pube Curls is Surf Boob. While Jordyn and Sam wear the exact same version, GAGE and MLT make a few more... artistic choices. And by artistic I mean horrifying.
Clearly due to heavy Australian influence, Fucking Swirlies are as popular as ever.
I imagine this was the phone call that was made in designing Macko's leotard.
Jiani Wu: "I see everyone has been enjoying this Fucking Swirlies leotard. You know what would look great? #Hotpink and neon green! GK, can you help me?"
GK Rep: "We sure can!"
Now, these are Different Fucking Swirlies. While the actual swirls are smaller, they're still there, and that's annoying.
Now, our next example is special, as it is overused in THREE different continents. Continental Fucking Swirlies.
AOGC, consider yourself on leotard watch. Four AOGC leotards have been repeat offenders. FOUR.
***OMG. I am literally finding these faster than I can write about them. I looked up a Youtube video of Sloan for reference on a different leotard, and BLAMMO. Continental Fucking Swirlies.***
The following leotards, while not as violently overused, still have a match somewhere in the world. And that's pretty embarrassing.
I call this one The Fugly Jacket.
Next, we have Stringy Fucking Swirlies.
Kyla and Sabrina, both repeat offenders, are modeling what I like to callthe JACKKNIFE!
Is there a GK outlet in Moscow or something? As Cher Horowitz would say...
"Do you prefer 'fashion victim' or 'ensembly challenged'"?
It is that time of year again. The time when every single blogger writes about the same thing. So instead of just ripping off other people's blog ideas and trying to pretend they're brand new, I'm going to do my Thanksgiving post a little differently this year.
These are the things that I am most definitely NOT thankful for. I am thankful for all things in the world, sans these few.
1. Nastia's black heels.
These need to die. Black heels with pink dress? Check. Black heels with torn up acid wash jeans? Check. Black heels with shorts? Check. I'm sure these are super expensive fancy heels (we know this because she tweets pictures with brand names included) but that doesn't explain the fact that I have the EXACT same pair, and I got mine for $19.99 at Forever 21. I wore mine one time, and then forgot about them FOREVER, as Nastia needs to do.
2. Terrifying vaults.
I am really tired of holding my breath while watching vault. I do not want to be terrified while watching a sport I am supposed to enjoy. This is the same reason I don't watch horror movies. I do not find terror entertaining.
3. Code-whore leaps at the end of tumbling passes.
Just bring back the fucking LUNGE already! Someone in charge thought it would be super divine if we got rid of those icky-poo artistic lunges at the end of passes. So now, everyone is forced to do one of two options: either smash your feet as hard as possible into the mat and hop forward a bunch of times until you stop moving, or leap whichever way gravity allows. Clearly the concept of a rebound is far outside the WTC's mental capacity. Would I be upset about more routines having an Atler-esque double stag out of a huge pass? Absolutely not. Am I upset about 4 popped half-jumps being muscled after shoddy tumbles? Yes I am.
4. Pink leotards and 5. Bent wrists and 6. Butt shelves.
I must not be a #hotpink diva. Let's just chalk it up to that. I liked Nastia's light pink leotard from beam finals in 2007. I thought her 2008 AA leotard worked for her, on that one night. I have hated every single one I have seen since then. PINK IS OVER. It is done. Let it die.
She looks like a tree. This is why we don't have bent wrists.
7. Sixteen year old temper tantrums.
Just everything about this. Not cute.
8. Mesh leotards
I have no interest in seeing your bra straps. Ever. Why can't they just make that color of fabric without making it see through? I don't understand this at all.
So there you have it. Sometimes we can't be thankful for all of the things.
Motivated by the hilarious Full In Full Out, I decided to check out what search terms people are using to randomly end up on my blog. Most results are pretty expected. "Spanny Tampson" "Big Fake Smile" "Girl Gymnast With Big Butt"
Come again?
If the internet has taught us anything, it's that the majority of people are huge perverts. I have no idea who the huge pink-assed gymnast everyone is searching for is, but I do know some of the other search terms are kind of hilarious.
(click to enlarge)
So, a few things. Enough with the gymnastics ass, seriously. And WHY GOD WHY did TWO PEOPLE search for a hot Mary Lou Retton??? I can't even... I pray that it was not MLR our British friend was looking for when he searched for this:
I understand that I must take some of the blame for these disturbing searches, due to the nature of what I write. For example, if I call Kelly Parker an adult baby, then it only makes sense that this would be one of the search terms:
I'm not even a little sure about what those are. Is that what they call the people who are obsessed with being babies? I watched a My Strange Obsession episode about that once. They didn't mention anything about Princess Pull Ups.
Again, a few issues here. Is there really a strip search technique? If so, how am I suddenly the expert on such a technique? I have never been on the receiving or giving end of a strip search, so I'm really at a loss here.
Additionally, I don't know one single person who calls it "lovemaking."
Moving on to some less perverted, but equally laughable results.
Now every time I see Nastia on beam, I'm going to be thinking about Just Jack. Just Nastia!
It's no longer Britney. It's Nabieva, bitch.
Me too, random googler. I too am "so jealos." Did the searcher think that Google was a close gal pal with whom she could confide in that she was "so jealos" of Jordyn Wieber, thus needing pictures? The youth of today scare me.
Steve Nunno also scares me. And apparently I'm not the only one.
