i am literally horny with fear.

This week on Make It or Break It: little girls with misplaced star boob pasty leotards.

Hilarious.  This week, we start at the Rock, in what is realistically the only bit of gymnastics we'll see in the entire episode.

Lovely splits, Kaylie.  Really.  It's not totally obvious you were a cheerleader.  Not that I hate cheerleaders, or whatever, but as such, your splits suck.  It's just the rule of cheerleading.  Also, your back handsprings have to be terrifying.  That is the second rule. 

Creepy Carter starts us off by staring at Kaylie while she bends over.  Filthy.  Every thing about this kid gives me the booboo-jeebees.  He makes me think I'm watching some Lifetime movie about the I-5 Killer (which was an AWESOME movie, btw) instead of a show about elite level gymnastics.  It's a good thing he eventually moved to Denver, because it's clear that he was about *thisclose* to slaying every girl from the Rock.

In lieu of actual communication, Creepy Carter and Kaylie have resorting to drawing each other messages in the chalk bin.  That grosses me out on so many levels.  Fingers in the chalk bin freak me out.  They just do.  Like, I just imagine chalky fingernails scraping against the plastic, and that upsets me.  Why can't he send her a million text messages like he normally does?  Kaylie, eager to read whatever fascinating message Creepy has left her, tries to run off to the chalk box, but is stopped by her dad, Shiny.  He could totally pass as Daddy Warbucks.

Kaylie explains that she needs to go across the gym to that one specific chalk bin first.  The Rock probably has just that one chalk bin.  Alas, she is too late, because some slut who was actually doing gymnastics had the audacity to chalk up before her, therefore ruining Creepy's precious message.  That whore.  The couple initiate Plan B, which is to meet by the water cooler instead.  So Kaylie stretches, chalks up, just so she can go get a drink?  Winners at the Rock.  Creepy chews her out for not immediately responding to his chalk message.  If you guys can easily just stand around and chit chat by the water cooler, then why bother with the chalk box?  Kaylie, with her surplus of controlling men, leaves Creepy hanging when Shiny demands she come and finish/start her workout.  I guess he's coaching her now.

She starts on FX, and performs her cheerleader pass of front handspring- front handspring- roundoff-Shushunova.   She's totally going to make it to the Olympics with that pass.  Her dad tries to give her some shitty International Gymnast Forum critique, which she rightly blows off as being useless.  Payson, totally blown away by such strict, demanding coaching, compares Shiny to Bela Karolyi. Nice name check, writers. Kaylie is totally over her dad being a hardass, while Payson and Emily stand around and do nothing.

In order to remedy the coaching situation, we see Daddy Tanner driving out to Bumfuck, California.  He rolls up to this super isolated cabin and happens upon a handsome young gentleman.

Daddy Tanner apologizes for showing up out of the blue, but it was because Handsome Young Gentlemen, who we learn is one Sasha Belov, wouldn't return his phone calls.  Sasha calmly explains that, despite what most of Boulder seems to think, it is not OK to stalk and harass other people.  No means no.

Not to Daddy Tanner it doesn't.  He infodumps that Sasha has been AWOL for 5 years.  I'm confused, and have been for some time now.  So, we learn in this episode, and from others, that Sasha won the Olympics in 1996, then went off to coach Romania (???) to an Olympic gold.  He also managed to "reinvent the sport."  Now he's been AWOL for 5 years.  How old is he supposed to be??  I mean, he cannot be more than mid-thirties, tops.  I don't get this at all.

Daddy tries to buy him off, but it doesn't work.  Sasha explains to Daddy that the only way he would have been even a little bit interested was if the Rock team was intact.  Why bother coaching the losers in Denver when one could coach the ROCK GIRLS??  All that said with a straight face.

On the beam, Kaylie does the funniest little fake switch leap thingie I've ever seen.  Then we see Kaylie's stunt double do like 5 more real switch leaps, which I guess Shiny is appalled by.

I am too, a little bit.  It's not until Shiny yells at her to smile more, that Kaylie finally loses it and freaks out at her dad for being such a horrible coach.  Good thing Daddy Tanner shows up at that exact moment with a remedy.  He rolls up with Skanky Lauren, and immediately turns into Smarmy Daddy by telling the Rock kids that they're going to want to buy what he's selling, while refusing to tell them what that is exactly.  Shiny and the girls are all "Fuck that" and tell Daddy, in no uncertain terms, that he is a piece of shit. 

When who should walk in through the garage door of drama but Sasha Belov.  GASP!  Payson starts panting, while everyone stares in disbelief. 

The adults race up to the Rock office to bitch about it.  Shiny is telling Daddy to GTFO, but Daddy seems to think that since he brought Sasha that everyone should kiss his ass.

Kaylie is also unhappy with the presented offer.  She'd rather have her dad make her occasionally do gymnastics than have to spend her time at the gym with Lauren.  Payson reminds them that they're currently coach-less and are on the fast-track to gaining like 50 lbs, because no one ever seems to work out anymore.

The adults are still fighting, so Sasha peaces out and exits the office.  Meanwhile, Lauren is sucking up to some random SAG 5-worder.  Ooh, that'll show Kaylie.  Which it totally does, because Kaylie is all butthurt that Lauren, the girl she hates, is talking to another girl.  BOULDER ASSHOLES ARE SO POSSESSIVE.  Lauren then hits on Creepy, which he kind of goes along with because he's pissed at Kaylie because she won't give him head in the middle of the gym with her dad watching.  That poor girl.

Payson freaks out when she sees that Sasha is leaving.  She sprints out the door after him, and begs him to stay.

How could you possibly say no to this gang of freaks? 

Sasha takes pity on these wayward girls, and asks them to get their parents to stop being such dipshits.  Immediately, we see the results, when the parents are relegated to the observation room.  OH NOES! 

"No parents on the floor.  That's a new one," whines Shiny.  IT SHOULDN'T BE.  It should be a very, very old one.  

Sasha gives a speech to the gym about how from here on out, they're going to eat, breathe, shit, and sleep gymnastics.  Payson's thrilled, Emily's all "poor me, what about my job?" while Kaylie wonders when she'll have time to stand around and draw messages in the chalk bin with Creepy Carter.  Poor thing.  Kaylie's pissed, and concludes that the only way to feel better is to go chug a huge, calorie-laden smoothie from the Moose Juice, or whatever the fuck it's called.  Lauren, being a ho, audibly invites her new SAG friends to accompany HER to the Moose Moose.  That'll piss Kaylie off alright.  But Kaylie has an excellent plan.  She loudly invites Emily to the Loose Moose, which she rightly assumes will give Lauren a rage stroke.  It does.  

Kaylie, Payson and Emily show up to the Juicy Moose.  Emily tells Kaylie that she knows the only reason she was invited was to piss off Lauren, but that she's cool with it.  The other girls meekly deny it, but Emily's not stupid.  Well, kind of.  But in this case, she's aware of the situation.  Lauren and her new SAG friends roll up and sit at a nearby table.  One of the SAG girls loudly wishes Lauren a happy birthday, and for a hot second, Payson and Kaylie feel bad.  Lauren and the SAGs continue to speak very loudly about Lauren's dinner plans that evening.  She's totally pumped about having a one-on-one dinner with Daddy at some fancy French place.  A little too pumped.  She seems obsessed with her father in the way that most Boulder residents need to be creepy and obsessed with someone.  

Kaylie continues to bitch about Lauren, but also mentions that she's maxed out in the stress department.  Which is totally understandable, seeing as how her life is filled with insane people.  Lauren is trying to ruin her life, her dad is a psycho slave driver, and her boyfriend is some stalker who wants to do her in the chalk bin.  So naturally, when some random hot guy hands her a flyer to the upcoming keg party, she's excited to oblige.  

The Blast Off Keg Party?  Really?  Who calls it a "keg party?"  Kaylie, never having been to a party before, isn't aware that this looks totally lame, and therefore gets super excited to go.  She begs Payson to come with her, but Payson's too good for that shit and says no.  She turns to Emily, and asks if she's ever been to a party before.  Emily says yes, and while sometimes they're fun, sometimes they're stupid.  SAME WITH YOU.  I miss when Emily was cool.  Payson still isn't down with it, so Kaylie cuntily asks Emily to attend with her instead. Jesus, Kaylie is kind of a bitch in this episode.  I like it.  

Payson, not one to be left out, finally caves and decides to go to this stupid party.  The homely women sitting between their table and Lauren's is thrilled.  

Lauren obviously overhears all of this, and isn't happy.  Emily, aware of her position in this new group, delivers her own version of a delightful bitchface.  

Watching only this scene, one would think Emily was tolerable and cool.  That facade is quickly dropped as soon as Emily walks through the door of her apartment.  Without even saying hi to Sometimes There Brian, she immediately begins to rant about how hard her life is.  Brian meekly mentions that their phone was cut off, which means HORROR OF ALL HORRORS, the internet has also been shut off.  That is the worst thing that could possibly happen.  I'm not even being sarcastic.  You do not want to see me when there is a glitch in internet service.  I do not handle it well. 

At that moment, Bitchface Chloe waltzes through the door bearing gifts.  Emily immediately berates her mother for thoughtfully buying her a new dress.

Over at the Keelor's, Payson's parents are reading Sasha's book, and continue to infodump that Sasha beat Marty at the Olympics, and that he became the greatest coach ever, blah blah blah blah.  Apparently, Sasha is supposed to be the "James Bond version of Bela Karolyi."  Ooh, the writers must TOTALLY know about gymnastics, because they know who Bela Karolyi is.  My dad knows who Bela Karolyi is.  And yeah, he calls him Bera Carol, but all the same, it does not take a gymnastics enthusiast to know who the man is.  Payson's mom continues the epic Wikipedia fail when she bitches about Bela forcing Kerri to vault on her broken ankle.  WRONG WRONG SO WRONG. 

Payson's parents wish their daughter was normal, as opposed to being a total weirdo.  At that exact moment, Payson walks in, and informs her parents that she will be attending a party that evening.  She won't drink, won't drive, probably won't have any fun.  Her parents are just thrilled. 

Seriously, be happy that your daughter isn't "normal."  The normal ones have boys sneaking into their laundry rooms, are banging everything in sight, or getting preggo by some loser wannabe artist.  Be grateful that she's just plain weird old Payson. 

At Kaylie's place, Leo storms into Kaylie's bedroom, seeking refuge from their insane father.  Kaylie is busy getting ready for the evening's slutfest, aka the keg party.  She asks her brother for outfit advice, which is uncomfortable.  He dutifully explains to her that keg parties are for losers, and that she'll only be surrounded by drunk guys who want to get in her pants.  You know, totally unlike her everyday life.

Speaking of out-of-control freaks, Kaylie gets a text from Creepy Carter.

Obviously, by window he means vagina.  Filthy.  Kaylie rightly lies to him, and texts back that she's stuck at home for the night.  She and Leo get into a sex talk, which he is appropriately horrified by.

At the Kmetko's, Emily comes back from... wherever she was, and wonders where her mother is.  Sometimes There Brian explains that Bitchface Chloe was slut-shamed into returning the items.  All of them, except for the gifts she bought for her children.  What a horrible mother.  Brian gets to keep his DVD, while Emily gets to keep her blue parachute dress.

When Bitchface Chloe gets home, Brian informs her that Emily has been in bathroom for hours.  Bitchface concludes that the only possible explanation is that Emily finally got her period. 

Brian immediately corrects his mother, and informs her that gymnasts don't get their periods.  "Not enough body fat."

ORLY?  Ok, while that might be true of a small, ever-decreasing number of athletes, these girls obviously do not qualify.  I don't even know what else to say, other than this bit made me want to break my TV. 

Emily finally exits the bathroom, all dolled up with makeup and everything.  Her brother tells her that she looks "smokin' hot!" and that just weirds me out to pieces. 

Bitchface Chloe gets all verklempt, and races off to find lip gloss for her ungrateful daughter.

At the party, the three girls stand around, totally unaware of what they're supposed to do.  Kaylie wants beer, pronto.  She doesn't, however, want to wait in line for beer with all the normal losers.  She asks if they have more than one keg.  I'm sure the coverless, "all you can drink!" kegger has just that one.

Lauren and her jugs sit down for a fancy dinner with Daddy Tanner.  She orders the maitre d to remove the mysterious third setting at their table.  Whoever is it there for?  Daddy explains that Sister Mary Summer will be joining them, and Lauren has a meltdown.

Back at the Val-party, I mean keg party, Emily stands around all alone, waiting for someone to approach her.  She asks some random dude if she "looks like a freak."  Well, now you do.  He stares at her rack until that weiner kid Razor shows up to save her.

Emily can sense the creepiness, so she wisely covers up with her shawl.  Who wears a black shawl with a blue dress?  She's all modest until another fellow joins the group.

Emily thrusts open her shawl for what is our introduction to Demon, who is a friend/bandmate of Razor's.  We sit through some painfully awkward dialogue, where we can gather that Razor has been telling all of his friends about Emily.  That's not weird at all.

Back at dinner, Daddy Tanner presents Lauren with a really fancy expensive charm, which she in no way deserves.  She moans and groans as if it were an engagement ring.

I love her hair in this episode.  Daddy fucks up, and tells Lauren that Summer was the one who picked out all of her gifts.  Like any teenage girl, let alone the insane ones, is going to be OK with that?  Lauren obviously is not, and storms out of the restaurant.  But not before giving her spendy ass bracelet to the maitre d, encouraging him to use it to get laid.  And that sums up our dinner of inappropriate awkwardness.

At the party, Kaylie is getting loaded.  She is totally one of those annoying drunks who gets all handsy and thinks everyone is her BFF.

She gets all excited about the band, which consists of Razor, Demon, and the Creepies.  It's not an ABC Family show without the requisite concert scene.

While Payson admonishes Emily for being a total groupie, Kaylie is off being AWESOME.  She's surrounded by a circle of drunks, who are cheering her on as she does a drunken press kegstand.

Like, don't even front.  If you are a gymnast, and you tell me you HAVEN'T done this, you are lying.  So stop being a liar.  Drunken gymnastics is a true staple of any party.

Kaylie is having a gay old time, until that loser assface Creepy Carter shows up.  Naturally, he's upset that she left her cage and is having any sort of social interaction without him.

I just don't want to see his face anymore. 

Creepy continues to be an obsessive, possessive nutbag, and takes all of Kaylie's rational explanations and uses them against her.  She says she needs to have fun, and he takes that to mean that she doesn't have any fun at all with him, ever.  Which is probably true, but still.  In a fit, he suggests that they take a break.  GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE.  Poor Kaylie.  It's not her fault that everyone in her life is nuts. 

As the party wraps up, everyone dumps into Leo's car.  Razor and Demon stare as Emily gets into the front seat, and wonder who the fuck Leo is.  Razor tells Demon that he's off to do some roadie gig for awhile, and asks if he'll cover for him at the Pizza Shack.  As someone who has worked in the restaurant industry for a long, long, long, long, long, long time, I am fairly certain that in order to have someone cover for you at work, they must actually be employed by said restaurant.  Whatever.  He also asks Demon to keep an eye on Emily, because that's what all men in Boulder do: they keep track of their women.  

In the car, Kaylie is pretty close to blowing chunks in the backseat.  Poor Payson is stuck back there with her while Emily enjoys her luxurious ride in the front seat.

Among the stragglers at the party are Lauren and Creepy Carter.  Oh yeah, Lauren's there now.  I suppose since she was so upset about Daddy, she felt the need to drive off and be super destructive.  Lauren spots Creepy sitting all alone, and saunters up to him.  They sit together and obsess over Kaylie. 

They bitch about how Kaylie is just "all about herself."  This coming from the girl who ruined everyone's lives because she didn't place in the top 3, and the guy who takes Kaylie being stressed about her dad really super personally.  Assholes.  They decide that in order to share their misery, they should just bone.  And they do.

Kaylie passes out in the car while Leo drops the girls off.  He insists on walking Emily to her door, while I wonder what the hell every boy in Boulder sees in her.  After dropping everyone off, he dutifully helps Kaylie into her bed.  She moans about how she doesn't deserve her brother (yes) or Creepy Carter (no.)  Leo tells her to chill out, and reassures her that Creepy is fucking obsessed with her.  She should just text him in the morning, and everything will be just fine.  Kaylie assumes that "in the morning" actually means "right now" and texts Creepy immediately.  

At the party, Lauren and Creepy wrap up their boning.  Creepy just wants to get the fuck out of dodge, and Lauren fronts like she's OK with that.  Aww, poor slutty Lauren.  That's what you get for boning your BFF's BF.  After he leaves, she hears a mysterious cell phone go off, and hunts madly for the source of the ringing.  Smashed way down between the couch cushions is Creepy Carter's phone, which has a brand new text from Kaylie on it, saying that she's sorry.  Lauren, being insane, obviously plans to keep Creepy's cell phone forever.  Lauren sits there with her jugs hanging out, looking pathetic and lonely.  End scene.  

What a boring episode.  Teen girls get drunk, boys fight over teen girls.  This is some revolutionary stuff.  

Until next time, may your kegs be full and your jugs hang free!