please don't pull all of my teeth. when i smile, i'll look like an adult baby, but with boobs.

Success!

Since Youtube is being a huge jerk about it, I tried upload my montage to Facebook instead.  And it worked- for now.  So go forth, enjoy! 

Super awesome montage.

On another note, I am so strapped for montage ideas.  I just have nothing.  I'm trying to do a similar beam montage, and it's just not happening.  Our potential beam medalists this year are SO BORING.  So if you have an idea, share away.  Help a girl out.  

people thought i went on vacation but i really spent the summer lost in the sewers

Well, in what is the Sydney AA of montaging experiences, I had to take down my latest video.  Apparently, one Mr. Kanye West does not want his music in gymnastics montages.  Whatever.  To be fair, I don't think the song is even released yet (I just downloaded the music video, and then split the audio from there.)  So, once his album comes out, I'll try re-uploading it.

For those who really, really care, I'll post the link for you to download.

Super Awesome Montage!!

It's just a preview of the potential FX medalists at worlds this year.  I really liked it, for whatever it's worth.  Not much, I suppose. 

i'm the captain of the u.s.s. kick ass, not the u.s.s. back talk.

So, I know I just focused on this like a week ago, but in the name of fairness, I thought it only right to highlight the HORRID WRISTS from girls around the world.  

Clearly, this is an issue that travels far beyond our domestic borders.

Some consider it ARTISTIC.

I do not. 

I give this one to Romania, in that there are TWO busted wrists as opposed to just one.

Romania, and by Romania I mean Sofronie, had some SERIOUS wrists going on.  I have to ask, at what point does it warping your joints like that start to hurt?

But make no mistake.  Romania is not alone in their faults.  (I mean, obviously, I did a whole post on gnarly American wrists.  But I digress.)

Hello Spain!

Whaaa???  Those aren't even hands/wrists anymore.  They're FLIPPERS.  Those have got to be the biggest hands I have ever seen. 

So there you have it.  While Romania and Spain are closely tied at second, the American girls win this round.  They truly write the book on angled, busted wrists. 

no one's pure evil! i mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

A gymnastics cold war is coming.  Do you hear it?

"Ugh, but Bross isn't ARTISTIC!"

"Have you SEEN Nabieva's vault?  BARF CITY!"

"Dude, once Komova and Grishina become legal, ho boy, you don't even know.  You don't even KNOW!"

"Whatever, you dumb Commies.  Have fun crying while your team blows the gold medal, AGAIN." 

"Whatever DUDE.  The Americans have blown the last two Olympics golds, IDIOT."

 All countries have their strengths and weaknesses, their stars and their headcases.  Some are what we like to call "code-whores" and win all of the time, and then there are those who are beautiful and unique, but never win, because beautiful and unique doesn't really mean shit anymore in gymnastics.  With all of these CRAZY differences, will there ever be one universal issue that spans all countries equally?  That all fans can bash each other over in fairness?

Yes, my friends.  And that issue is

BUTT SHELVES. 

Obviously, the Americans are HUGE offenders of the butt shelf.  

 But how do the other countries stack up?

The Russians have come into some shelving of their own.  Semy, our own saucy little bitch of a minx, has quite the butt shelf.  

They seem to have a quite literal interpretation of the word "shelf."  I could literally stack a bunch of books on Semy's ass.

The other girls seem to have gotten the memo.  Here we see different levels of assstickouttitude.

The Americans and the Russians are frequent offenders of the butt shelf rule, it's true.  However....

The Romanians wrote the BOOK on butt shelves.

These are your more traditional examples of the butt shelf.  The Romanians, however, have an even more aggressive model-

The bend over.

I just, I don't even know what to say about that.  I suppose we've seen stranger poses on beam.  Or Bross' floor.  To each their own.

As always, there seems to be a little Romanian influence on our wee Chinese ones.

So there you have it.  International butt shelves, the universal issue.

maybe i should have covered my mouth when i sneezed blood the second time

I spend a lot of time on the internet, it's no secret.  Much of that time is spent chatting on gym boards, or catching up on the latest and greatest gym vids.  So, if you're as much of an obsessed follower as I am, there is  no avoiding the endless debate going round and round and round.  Russia vs. America.  Think about it.  Gutsu vs. Miller.  Mag 7 vs. the crying silver medal Russian team.  Patterson vs. Khorkina.  Weiber vs. Komova.  And of course, Bross vs. Mustafina.

Now, the general consensus is while the Americans are more powerful and consistent, the Russians are clearly more artistic.  There's no argument on floor.  The Russians are obviously on the fast track to awesome town, while, short of Mattie Larson, the Americans need serious help.  But, the tables turn on vault.  Aside from one stuck Amanar that we've seen, the Russians are... how to say this politely... iffy.  Meanwhile, the US has some monsters on the event.  Good monsters, like Lady Gaga monsters.

But then there's beam.  Good old beam, who separates the winners from the losers.  However, what if the two gymnasts in question are EXACTLY THE SAME on beam?

Take Bross and Mustafina.  People argue that Bross has no artistry, while Musty is the pillar of Russian beauty.  People marvel that Bross is the pinnacle of consistency, while Musty is hit or miss.  Execution, form, fall, stick, BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

Hasn't anyone else noticed that they do essentially the same routine?

I mean, let this be a testament to modern gymnastics.  We thought Romania circa 1993-2000 had cookie cutter routines?  WRONG.  Those are creative masterpieces compared to what we've got today. 

So yeah, fight to the death over who will emerge victorious come this year's worlds.  But I think they're kind of exactly alike.





*I got the idea from this awesome Cata v Patterson montage.  We need more comparison videos!

this is not "bring your problems to work day", this is just "work day".

Now, today's rant is a topic near and dear to my heart.

BUTT SHELVES. 

Thank you to Spastia for starting me off on my journey to find all recent butt shelf offenders.  Which took me about 15 minutes, because they are fucking EVERYWHERE.

What is a butt shelf, you ask?  A butt shelf is the hottest beam pose in America.  You see it a lot on floor too, but for time's sake, we'll just focus on beam for today.

Still don't know which pose I'm talking about?  C'mon, you've seen it...  think legs crossed like you have to pee (thanks again Spastia!), thrusting your chest out, and of course, creating a shelf with your butt.  About 90% of the time, arms will jut out at random angles. 

Ah yes, the butt shelf.

This does not begin nor end with our current national team.  This has been an issue for the ages.

Example given: the 2004 Olympic Team.  And I even threw Annia Hatch on beam, for good measure.

Chellsie, although tragically left off of the 04 team, was also doing some shelf in 03.  It stayed all the way until 09.

Shelves are abused across club lines.  From GAGE to WOGA-

- and even NCAA too!

World and Olympic teams:

From veterans to newcomers...

And finally, the hopes for the future.

The butt shelf.

Now, I was able to find a butt shelf on EVERY SINGLE GIRL I looked for... sans one.

Rebecca Bross has no butt shelf.

I know, right?!  It's crazy.  Everyone bags on her for being from WOGA (threepeat ROMG) and for not being artistic enough.  Well, she gets bonus points from one Spanny F. Tampson, because she is artistic enough NOT to do a butt shelf. 

Hopefully, one day we will emerge from the shadows of butt shelves.  A day when [real] choreography will be prevalent in all routines, and we'll be bitching because we see too many pretty moves and not enough "skills."  One day...

*** I got most of my photos from John Cheng, who is a bomb gym photographer.  You should jump over to his site {http://cheng.photoshelter.com/gallery-list} and just look through all of his pics.  That's what I did, and it was AWESOME.

oh my god! I care so little, i almost passed out.

It's WTF WEDNESDAY!

My, has it been so long?  It has.  So I had a ton of garbage to wade through, but I did manage to find a few gems.  

I don't know that this example really warrants an explanation.  Anyone who has played soccer in a 40 degree Minnesota fall can tell you that getting hit in the jugs by a somewhat solid object HURTS.  So when Brossie got slugged in the rack by the UB in 09, I imagine it was something like getting kicked in the nuts.  

 Impending doom: 

Actual doom:

Moving on.

To be fair, Amy was amazing at many things.  Farting being the least of them, I'm sure.

Oh come on.  Her dismount wasn't THAT bad....

Dude, that is so exactly how I feel when I watch Maroney's vault from USAs.  A new day truly has come.  It would be worth her while to do a FX to the vocal stylings of the great Celine Dion, I might add.  If Ferrari can have grunts and moans in her FX, then Maroney can have the lovely Dion in hers.  That's all I'm saying. 

More gymnasts need to associate themselves with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I didn't even know they made a music video!  God I'm old.  I want to say Aly would be the Donatello of the group, but I don't know that she's so much a brilliant scientist.  Maybe she is, I don't know.  Alicia is totally Michelangelo though.  That I know.  

Dude, what is with Amy Chow?  She pulled up a bunch of wacky hits.  

It's so true.  I always laugh.  

i hate [wrists] like i hate the nazis.

Wrists. 

Remember when I said that sloppy fake bed head hair was the most annoying trend in gymnastics?  I lied. 

FLEXED WRISTS

are so much worse.  Like, I hate them with a passion fiery and true. 

Now, it's not fair to say that this is a crisis solely within USA gymnastics.  It's not.  There are many foreign offenders as well.  However, for time and my eyeball's sake, let's focus on the pretty little Americans.

And their horrible fucking wrists. 

Now, while some might believe that Nastia invented gymnastics, this is not actually true.  Nor did she invent flexed wrists, although she certainly does try the hardest.  Let's go back, shall we?

The year is 1992. 

While Kim Zmeskal and her normal wrists were falling off of beam, a waify little blonde with one crazy coach and two flexed wrists was staying on it.

I haven't done much research, but in my head, this is where it started.

Shannon Miller, ye of much difficulty, good extension, and HORRIBLE FREAKING WRISTS.  Who in their right mind a) taught this "technique" and b) thought that it looked ok?  Shannon went to the Soviet Union, she should have known better.


Things only got worst for Miller and the gang.  Did she ever wonder why she had massive tendinitis in her wrists?  I'm just asking, because it seems really fucking obvious.  By 1996, they were pretty much just lobster claws. 

So pretty.  So artistic.

And thus, a trend was born.  Even the seemingly perfect (until she got older and kind of media hungry) Dominique Moceanu was not immune to BUI (beaming under the influence.) 

Well, a needle scale must be impossible to do without the support of unflinchingly rigid hands, am I right?

Good thing we always have the "other" Dominique to save us.  Notice the pleasing line that draws from side to side.  Light and elegant, betraying the skill as simple.  As it should be. 

But this is not a post about nice, pretty hands.  It is about line-ruining, lightbulb turning man hands.  And so we move on.

The 1997-2000 quad, in itself, was pretty much an affront to gymnastics.  This was a time when a beat jump-rulfova was considered a "good combination."  Super pretty.  Flowed really well.

The USA had come off of this mind-blowing Olympic win, complete with compulsories and everything.  So naturally, yeah, maybe the next generation kind of had their work cut out for them.  But that is NOT an excuse for this-

I mean, yikes yikes.  What killed me about Maloney is that one wrist was more flexed than the other.  One was bad, and then the other was just worse.  When the hand cuts off into this stump-like form, as seen in the second picture, then it is time to ease up on the flexing. 

Even those gifted with "good form" (I use the term loosely) have been cursed with the wrists.

Jesus.  Ray looks like a teapot.  And McCool looks like someone when they do the "oogy boogy" thing with their hands.  Someone out there (Armine) thinks that this looks awesome. 

It can destroy even the prettiest of gymnasts. 

I am not shy with my Hollie love.  I have Hollie fever.  Always have.  However, her wrists cannot be ignored. 

She did that shit ON PURPOSE.  Seemingly just to ruin my love for gymnastics.  Wonderful gorgeous pose, gonna point my toes, and then accent my skill with *CRICK* a nice stumpy arm. 

This is when shit really got bad.  Rescue 911 Crisis Level Midnight.  From here on out, we have seen bent wrists on pretty much every American gymnast, sans a very few.

There is no excuse for this.  Girls aren't even pretending to have a dance background anymore.  And even the worst dancer with zero ballet training can grasp the concept of extending your extremities.  A three year old can understand how to point her toes.  Yet fifteen years later, we cannot expect girls to get how to point their wrists, essentially. 

Like I mentioned, there are the exceptions.  A lovely, simple body line is GLORIOUS, even with the most basic of skills.  Because we so very rarely ever see them.

Again, nothing fancy.  No flair.  Just a simple, straight line from here to there.  Making the skill look more light and graceful, and not so much beastly. 

But then we have to go ruin it with ass poses, and more bent wrists. 

I just don't get it.  When did this become cool?  Who in the world thinks it's pretty?  Why isn't it deducted the same way flexed feet are?  So many questions...

In conclusion, MAN I hate flexed wrists.  They are unnecessary, unsightly, and probably damaging to the joints as well. 

 We must ERADICATE this disease before it is too late!